All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts
(Washington — Wishing for a Piggly Wiggly — January 13, 2015)
The nation’s burgeoning homeless here will be held responsible for damages done to corporate grocery carts according to an investigative wing of the Department of Justice. The federal fairness bureau then reminded all Americans that the wire and wheel push wagons are the privacy of the giant food cartels that feed the populace.
“Those carts are not yours, people,” said Evenkeel Canasta, of the Department of Final Affairs, a sub-contractor of the Committee of Accidental Impartiality. “They are provided only through the kindness of the supermarket barons. When one goes missing or is destroyed we all pay!”
Canasta went on to describe how the ruthless street poor misuse the grocery carts which are often stored unlocked, outside and accessible. Her voice, dropping off in manufactured despair, quavered when she spoke of homeless thugs trashing the steerage mechanism and then abandoning the provender carriages under bridges, in meth alleys and bad neighborhoods all over the city.
“We may all see the day when there are no workable grocery carts anywhere in the country. Then what will the productive segment of society do?
Already top grocers are considering loyalty carts and earned award use of push/pull devices for collecting groceries and hauling purchases to their cars. They say the expense of the operation would be staggering and that grocery prices would have to go up to pay for the privilege.
“Grocery carts are not an entitlement,” quacked Canasta, an outspoken critic of Social Security and Medicare but firm supporter of tax breaks for the petroleum industry. “Far too many Americans think they deserve free grocery carts and they favor helping the homeless with a handful of gimme and a mouthful of much obliged.”
An urban advocate for the homeless called Canasta’s comments cruel and callous, adding that government officials should learn how to keep their mouths shut on social issues that do not directly concern them.
“Does Ms. Canasta suggest that the homeless rent storage units to keep their belongings safe? Maybe they could form a cardboard owners association. If a homeless person wrecks a grocery cart and an oil tanker dumps oil all over a beach who are we going to prosecute?” she asked.
Canasta, undeterred by mounting criticism of the Department of Final Affairs as well as the Committee of Accidental Impartiality, continued to bash street people saying that even when they steal a cart they don’t take care of it.
“They abuse the cart then trade it in on a new one when nobody’s watching. Victual consumers and poorly motivated grocery personnel should be more careful, more attentive when employing this technology or we might forfeit conveniences like value cards and plastic bags at checkout,” she said.
“The only reason these great unwashed don’t steal the parking lots is that they are nailed down and difficult to store,” she roared. “I do not like the homeless.”
Canasta discounted the claims of human rights’ groups that the misuse of grocery carts are only a symptom of a far greater problem of desperation caused in part by corporate greed and the unfair distribution of opportunity in this country.
“I am so tired of listening to high-strung liberals whining,” said Canasta. “If you can’t cut it here in my America you should be deported.”
– Heather Hoffbrau
US Out of Bombs
(Cheyenne Mountain — Refried News — January 12, 2016)
In a surprising and somewhat embarrassing news release, the United States gov’ment announced today that it is out of bombs. Although nobody in purchasing has taken responsibility for the depletion of the said weaponry, the inexcusable oversight has been classified as a Level One Security Breach (Official Color Code unavailable) and will be seriously investigated by bureaucrats standing around with their hands in their pockets.
Sources at NORAD say the snafu was not linked to terrorist activity.
“Heads will roll,” stammered one official wearing a bright blue hat designating an upper position in the chain of command.
At present the shortage has been racked up to operator error that bodes unfavorably to the other hierarchies involved in manufacturing, storing and delivery of arsenal inventories all over the globe.
“Clearly someone has failed to communicate or to fill out a simple reorder form,” said the blue hat.
Another chief, this one with green hat, blamed the people in red hats down at production and the yellow hats in shipping. The blue hat was not amused by this buck passing and wondered aloud who else was not paying sufficient attention to the matters of weapons of mass destruction.
“We’re not playing marbles here,” quipped the blue hat. “Someone is in hot water and we will get to the bottom of the gross failure in security system,” he said. “We need to know how far these miscalculations extend and who is not following up on procedures.”
NORAD officials admitted that the gov’emt has been dropping bombs “at a frantic pace” on radical groups in Iraq and Syria, and that stockpiles run the risk of depletion. Estimates suggest that one bomb has been dropped for every 3 ISIS fighters on the ground with less than sparkling results.
“This a more serious security breakdown than all the hacking and undetected messaging among terrorist groups since the beginning of the Syrian civil war,” said the source. “We’ve had some people out on vacation but this is becoming ridiculous.”
– Susie Compost
Horseshoe Seeking Verbs, Adjectives
(Colona, CO — Snob’s Grammar Review — January 12, 2016)
The San Juan Horseshoe has begun its annual drive to acquire new and used verbs, at-risk adjectives plus a few goof participles for use in their media empire this summer.
Paralleling last year, the crisper adjectives and drawn out participles are attracting strong interest at market levels not seen since the inception of the King James edition of Robert’s Rules of Order (1702) and Papal-induced Break Neck Grammar For the Masses (1999).
The second anthology, published in South America under the title Hablar Adecuado o Pasar a Infierno (Talk Right Or Go To Hell) was pulled from the shelves after censors found evidence that corporal punishment and other masochistic rituals were repeatedly employed while studying grammar. Many of the atrocities were committed by nuns, the damage still apparent in some of our reporters who, it spite of it all, did learn to speak English correctly.
Smokey rooms tell the tale of discarded proper nouns, multi-syllabic verbs and dangling participles expecting a welcome committee.
Although there appears to be a glut in common nouns, articles, adjectives and the fleeting adverb or two the Horseshoe might consider accepting a paragraph or two of the hapless subjects and modifiers.
Anyone wishing to negotiated the procurement of said pieces of the language should call the paper between the hours of 10 am and noon before the May deadline. All prospective adjectives should be over 21 and have a spotless criminal record while any qualifying verb must produce a clean bill of health. Some experience in sentences and phrases is preferred. Yes, all will be tested for drugs and misspellings.
– Small Mouth Bess
Boulder Snubbed on Mao Statue Transfer
China had decided not to sell a giant Mao statue to The People’s Republic Boulder (with respect to the late Ed Quillen) due to the preponderance of Free Tibet bumper stickers displayed in the city. “These people have been brainwashed by the capitalist system,” said a government source, “but at least most of the population there can find Tibet or he Himalayas on a map of the world. I’ll give them that.” As most of our readers already know the statue has since been destroyed since it did not have the approval of the rulers of the world’s most populous nation. “A Boulder resident said it best: “We’ve pissed off China.” (Boxer Photo)
Ruins Are Ancient Racquetball Court
(Delta – Noah’s Archeology – November 25, 2015)
After almost hours of research, archeologists and people in sunbonnets at the University of Downtown Delta have determined that unearthed ruins here are a remote wing of Fort Uncompahgre and not those of a Stone Age civilization.
The tunnels and halls, stumbled upon only last year during a cleanup exercise, stretch some 900 feet in all directions and housed a rather lavish athletic complex designed by none other than Antoine Roubideau, Western Colorado’s first trapper/merchant.
Known all along the Old Spanish Trail as a fur trapper who liked to stay in shape, Roubideau built Fort Uncompahgre in 1828 sans amenities like a lap pool and climbing wall. Those came later. During the first year it was quite enough to fight off Indians, cure meats for the winter and solidify the weight room and sweat lodge. The next summer saw a further expansion that included mud baths and a full-time masseuse.
The racquetball court was constructed of discarded lumber then next fall.
It all came crashing down when local Utes, who had been secretly working out deep in the forest, attacked the fort and killed everyone twice. It is surmised that they carried off what was then state-of-the-art exercise equipment. To this day only a few free weights have been recovered.
During the world wars Fort Uncompahgre was part of an elaborate defense network and then used to house livestock. More recently it has been refurbished and is drawing many visitors keen on touring Roubideau’s racquetball court.
Dr. Ardmore Diggins, Head of the Tail and Posterior Department at UDD says the startling discovery of the massive workout arena is only the tip of the iceberg.
“If we simply dig up the surrounding mesas and river bottoms there’s no telling what we’ll find,” he offered. “Why just last week we happened upon a rusty ankle weight like the kind worn by Father Silvestre Escalante while he searched for an overland route from Santa Fe to Monterey in 1776.
“He liked to pump iron too,” said Diggins.
Diggins, a magnificent ruin in his own right, has been instrumental in exhuming Forts Crawford, Monroe, Hepburn and Garbo in the Uncompahgre Valley. He is recognized as the first white man to prune the Ute Council Tree (circa 1969).
His doctoral thesis, stored on small rolls in each of the fort’s privies, presents evidence that aliens built the forts and taught primitive man to trap beaver and shell pistachios. He operates the nation’s largest ringworm farm is an avid collector of old bottles.
– Dinty Moore
