Author Archive for M. Toole

Black Bear Have Right to Eat Hikers says Supreme Quart

(Washington DC) The nation’s highest court today decided in favor of bears over humans when it comes to dining manners and culinary survival in the forest. Voting unanimously in favor of Black Bear, Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bear the justices handed down the determination with little fanfare despite a barrage of media attention attached to what many are calling a bloodless coup.

It was a dazzling victory for the bruins who, although always hungry, prefer other delicacies such as honey, berries and the rotting carcasses of cows buried to sel in the flavor for down the road feasts. Despite a sad status down the food chain humans remain as potential meals on the run since they are often slower and less evasive than other game.

Controversies such as this one, classified as domestic in nature, are often blamed for slowing down the judicial system, leaving more pressing matters to take a back seat in an already backlogged system. The bear question, however has been on the docket for over three months and, with human-bear contact season aproaching, it cried out for answers.

The ruling is aimed at clearing up misinformation and presumptions long held by people recreating within the vast domain of bear. It did not undress dangers from mountain lions or moose, two species deemed more aggressive toward traditional habitat.

Most Americans have never even seen a bear much less been eaten by one but the issue made it to the Supreme Court anyway. Experts confirm tht there are more bear in the Rockies than people. Elusive and shy the animals are rarely observed in the wilds unless a hair-raising confrontation develops. People who hope to see a bear up close are often sorry for their wish.

“I guess the verdict is quite important to people who spend a good deal of time out in the woods,” said Al Pine, a wildlife biologist working in the Northern Rockies. “It’s also important to the bear who have been in limbo on the subject for centuries.It’s kind of their Make My Day law.”

Favoring wildlife over humans could open up a whole new can of worms according to Pine.

“If a bear is in the mood to eat someone or some thing he/she will probably not feel more entitled or ethical with legality on their side,” quaffed Pine. ‘He will just chomp.”

Recent lower court opinions protecting Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bears served as precedent in the monumental decision. Urban and high population density districts are more likely to support the legislation than are people living in bear country, co-existing with the protected bruins.

– Small Mouth Bess

Bake sale to fund snow removal

(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion building in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.

GAZA HOAs Suspend Codes

Gaza HOAs that have miraculously survived the ongoing Israeli genocide have released “a more responsive and protective blueprint” more responsive to new parameters. Longstanding codes, statutes, ordinances, decrees, and edicts that dictated who could build what, appear headed for the bomb crater.

Once loose Palestinian building codes are enduring an overnight shift in response to the famine there and continued bombing of the Gaza Strip by Israeli warplanes.

It was not clear if the miles of underground tunnels favored by Hamas would be effected since over 85% of its membership rent (alarmingly 90 and 95% of Hezbollah and Houthi proxies do not own their own homes either). Most still live with their parents or roast under sparse bridges in the region.

Not surprisingly, serious analysis by the surviving population as to how the abrupt relaxing of these long held stipulations will benefit the blackened community was muted. Statistics as to the level of compliance with existing state and national regulations were blown up.

“They’re buried around here somewhere,” said a former mayor of Rafah, who was traveling to yet another safe zone with his family on Wednesday.

Enforcement, maintaining tranquility and  sustaining financial stability are still the priority of the HOAs, while such bothersome labyrinths as ancient grandfather clauses, cultural bylaws, kiboshed feuds and suspended covenants are on the chopping block

Persons who defy the new HOA rules could face ridicule, harrying, neighborly aggression, internment, deportation and/or physical harm by whomever is in charge on a given day.

-Melvin Bedwetter Toole

Top Ten Summer Reads

Too stoned to do yard work

by Thorazeen F. Puffinghouse

What is the plural of synopsis?

An elitist grammar pocket primer

Long-in-the-Tooth  “Self-contained at 102″

by Cowboy Earl MacAdoo

Cherry-picking the Bible without migrant labor

Pickin’ Fruit, Eating’ Beans Trilogy

How Denisovans played video games in night skies

Chronicles on the Discovery of Indirect Lighting

The King and I

Shedding Unwanted Weight by Stormy Daniels

Petroleum Menagerie

by Tennessee Walker’s Defense of Fracking Orchestra

Making The Apocalypse work for you 

Persian Crossword Destinies from Mohammad Mosaddeq 

When Yes means No and Maybe means Never

40 Double Talk Dinner Ideas

Vladimir Putin – Bullied at Leningrad High?

by Mary Trump

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the reading of the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.*

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

ROX Not Deported as Reported

Apology: Many Rockies “were demoted” not deported as yesterday’s sportswriters mistakenly promulgated. This website regrets any confusion, pain or inconvenience, to a dwindling fan base, that may have resulted from our poor “at bat” herein.

Bi-lingual response from baseball operations in Greeley was muted as agents from ICE donned masks and wild pitches for yet another mindless sweep that nets the innocent with the illegal. Perhaps the most notable surprise herein is that not one of the dumped players possesses a Spanish surname.

The furloughed athletes are mostly pitchers and infielders, making way for a radical approach to the remainder of the season: Beginning after the All Star game the team will field one pitcher, one catcher and seven outfielders in an attempt to deprive competitors of a self-described “unfair advantage” that has left the team some 30 games out of first place. Stiff fines will be levied for strikeouts.

Sources say it is unlikely that the moves will spawn lower beer prices at Coors Field.

Keystone refugees, currently housed in so many dugouts, are already on the trading block or are primed to play minor league ball at Albuquerque. Reaction all over the league was disbelief in that a “brash basement dweller” was attempting to so radically change the game of baseball.

From the Rockpile

“We are relieved that our gov’ment is protecting us from the international criminal faction but are thousands of deported babies really perpetrators?” asked Penelope Spotcheque, a retired social worker who now roams the post-game Blake Street bleachers looking for coins and valuables.

“It appears that anyone who even looks Latino is a target of gangs of authorized bullies who continue stumblebum raids and illegal detainments of American citizens. We thought the feds were looking to pinch murderers and rapists. Maybe not, heh?”

Our website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, takes full responsibility for our journalistic blunder but not for the poor workmanship of a one-dimensional, money-driven, unsportsmanlike front office of 2025 Colorado Rockies.

Let’s lose 120 in 2025!

– Rory Lyons

Don’t forget: This year’s Lodo Homeless Golf Tournament, to be held in Setember, has achieved approval and permission of the Denver City Council. The 2-day event will raise funds toward purchasing the Colorado Rockies Major League franchise in 2026.