Author Archive for M. Toole

El tamaño no es importante, dice la mayoría de las mujeres.

(Chalmette, LA) El tamaño de un par de zapatos no siempre es la primera consideración antes de una compra, según la mayoría de las mujeres encuestadas esta semana. El setenta y cinco por ciento de las compradoras encuestadas aquí dicen que otras variables, como el estilo, el color y el precio, son mucho más importantes que el ajuste.

      “Por supuesto, uno debe darse cuenta de que esta respuesta fue precedida por calzado/ligeramente apretado  a suelto/sin restricciones de ninguna manera implica que las mujeres andarían con zapatos que cortaban la circulación o se caían constantemente.

      “La mujer de hoy busca hacer una declaración de moda de pies a cabeza”, dijo Margot Rotweiller, presidenta de Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, una empresa de panaderos y zapateros de Nueva Inglaterra que fabricó su primer zapato de cuero en 1703. “Si el estilo es cierto que ella puede crecer en ello. Si el precio es correcto, podrá arreglárselas”.

      Los armarios a menudo están llenos de zapatos que les quedan perfectamente bien pero que “simplemente no funcionan”, según quienes respondieron al cuestionario, que circuló por todo el centro comercial Irish Channel de Marie LaVeau este fin de semana. La mujer bien vestida prefiere un poco de incomodidad inicial a los choques de colores y a la versión monótona o pasada de moda del año pasado.

      En el lado masculino de la moneda, datos secundarios, recopilados subliminalmente en pabellones gratuitos de salchichas y queso, sugieren que a la mayoría de los hombres les importa un carajo su apariencia, siempre y cuando estén cómodos. El mantra para el hombre promedio, al menos en Luisiana, es: si tiene cordones, hágalo.

First Test Tube Cell Phone Stable

(Denver) The nation’s first artificially bred cell phone is alive and doing well in incubation here. What this could do to the already burgeoning over-tech industry is anyone’s assessment.

In a prepared statement the proxy parents, God and Country Electronics, of Little Rock, expect that their off-spring phone will “relieve the blur between reality and fantasy, but not too much.”

“We don’t want any of our clients to start thinking,” smiled Dude Hectare, who has most of his teeth still. People who think realize they don’t need our crap and before you know it they stop laying out thousands to satisfy their pop culture egos. They think flashy cell phones make them cool and we don’t want to tip the turnip cart on this one.”

Critics of the entire biological explosion conclude that maters are definitely out of hand.

“Things started to go south around the time the Sumerians learned to talk with strings and tin cans,” said the Hectare…or was it when Napoleon discovered s party line in place at Waterloo? I can’t recall the GPS coordinates.”

Readers may recall that these same inventors recently patented a wooden, windowed comfort station that would in theory grace Scenic Views all over Colorado. The Pee-And-See is self-contained and never needs emptying. Custom ocean and night sky views are available. Flat terrain, night travel, chuckhole consultation and epic highway construction are in the sights of a bevy of planners.

Sadly these innovative boobs took a cowardly night flight to avoid creditors, social ostracism and banishment from the local chamber of commerce.

“Another failure won’t stop us!” said a principle as he did mobile gymnastics on main street before skidding across the border into the abyss.

-Tommy Middlefinger

“A deeper comprehension of the ocean’s waves cannot be ascertained with one’s head in the sand.”  – Dag Katz

Civics primer

World Bank – an organization that lends money to the current leaders of a country to be used as they see fit and to the military to control the people. Demands for payback of loans can often scrap social programs for the poor. Despite changes in leadership and/or political direction, the people are still responsible for the debt. Some get spiffy fountain pens and a ham at Christmas.

Debtor Nation – One where the Brahman banks have robbed the coffers blind causing them to have to borrow huge sums of money to keep the charade in motion.

Consumer / Mass Corporation: An invisible screen (legally with the same rights as an individual but not the responsibilities of same) that concerns itself solely with profits for itself and its shareholders at the expense of workers who are paid substancially less for their labor. Multiplied, this system will create great fiscal disharmony and destroy the middle class while creating a nation of ignorant sheep.

Boogeyman Gets Chair

(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.

     He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.

     Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders. 

     Survived by close associates Ms Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!

     Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.

     Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday. His enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.” 

     Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2022.

– Bunny Trimble

AUTUMN RECESS AGENDA

United States Congress

October to December, 2023

The following issues, bills, concerns are slated for the combined floors (walls and ceilings) of the House and Senate unless those legislative bodies vote on an extension of seasonal adjournments, more vacations, further fact finding trips and acceptable absenteeism.

1. If California falls into the ocean would it be the Pacific? Should we send lifeboats or just let survivors swim to the beaches of Nevada?

2. Which are the best French Restaurants in the Virginia and Maryland suburbs?

3. What should we buy each other for Christmas? What are the lobbyists giving? When is the gift exchange? Will it conflict with campaigning?

4. Are there that many of us that are millionaires?

5. What are the merits of a proposed 60-cent stamp? Will the great unwashed be able to afford such luxuries?

6. What’s Hillary doing tonight?

7. Should we allow a Taco Bell to be built on the Capitol steps? Will it help determine serious immigration policies?

8. Should next year’s limos be black or white? What about the drivers?

9. Should we limit terms for Congressional caterers?

10. Is there a market for recreational vehicles in Mainland China? Should we subsidize that industry in hopes of exporting our culture to the less fortunate Yellow Peril?

11. How did all these Irish get elected?

12. Should HMOs be responsible for cleaning up after themselves like we do?

Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year

(Washington) Someone’s federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.

     In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.

     “It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.

     “Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.

     Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.

     “These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”

     Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.

     “We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”  

– Melvin Toole