Author Archive for M. Toole
More “TOOLE escapes”
Continued from page 2
and fell through the heavy brush. tool was then debriefed and deloused then flown to Airububi, in the western corridor of this dirty, sniveling little republic. Unfortunately a malfunction in the bar car of the helicopter caused it to plummet to earth delivering the hapless Toole into the mouths of swarthy cannibals and into the hands of their long-time allies, the British. It was at this time that a British officer backhandedly introduced Toole to the lovely Princess Irm Peawit, “Mistress of the Nile” and heir to the Oscar Meyer meat fortune. Peawit had run away to Africa after the Cubs lost the play-offs in 1985 and had married several chieftains before falling into slavery in July of 1986. Peawit and Toole immediately began planning their escape.
Upon his arrival to Airububi, Toole had noticed a system of microwave towers strategically placed at nondescript intervals throughout the region. If he and his exotic runaway could just reach the first tower undetected they had a chance. It would be all worthwhile if he could deliver the unsuspecting Peawit to her parents in Lake Forest, Illinois and collect a handsome reward of $30,000 pounds of bacon.
(continued on page 67)
SUPER MOSQUITO DEVELOPED
Special from The Juneau What
(Skagway AK) It will take more than a SWAT team to get rid of pesky mosquitoes in the future, according to Dr. Ralph “Needlenose” Schtinkter, a researcher at the King Albino Crab Laboratory here, who claims to have developed the first repellent-resistant mosquito.
We’ve been working day and night to cross-breed over 37 different gnats, deer flies, mosquito and hornets to come up with a buzzing parasite one simply can’t kill,” said the doctor.
“Normal pesticides and sprays have little or no effect plus we’ve even quasi-engineered their flimsy little bodies so they can literally bounce back after being slapped flat by a swat or a newspaper,” he continued.
The laboratory has been running three shifts daily so as to be ready by the start of summer tourist season. Schtinkter complimented his staff on its work under extreme pressure saying that dedication like this is rare.
“But the best thing about all this is that our super mosquito no longer needs to breed in standing water. Now the little sucker can breed anywhere!”
According to fellow scientists in Alaska the new breed will also boast a lifespan of over 150 years, close to double that of your everyday human.
“If he’d only used his genius for good instead of experimental insect cloning we might be seeing an enormous wheat harvest, expanded rice reserves or larger sheep,” said one critic, “but that is not the case. It is clear that the chemical companies have him in their back pockets.”
If final numbers match up the bionic mosquito crop will be disbursed southward, thanks to a system of industrial fans stretching from Yakutat Bay to the Aleutian Islands. They are expected to mate with the existing population, adopting genetic superiority and thriving on the plethora of unprotected mammal victims.
“What their presence could do to the killer bees, or the price of petrol is anyone’s guess,” said one researcher.
“Less than a quarter of Americans expect A.I. to have a positive impact on K-12 education, arts and entertainment, how people do their jobs, the economy, personal relationships or happiness over the next 20 years.” – Oren Cass, NY Times
Who’s been eating my tomatoes?
Rogue raiders are munching on my garden by moonlight while I snore away just feet from the crime scene. I never had this problem when I grew cannabis.
People tell me it’s raccoons, which makes sense considering the fact that the tomatoes were surgically removed with no sign of a struggle. The prize was stolen without upsetting so much as a leaf but I noticed some chewed stalk ends.
Nothing else has been taken. My peppers are fine and my green onions are untouched. They just want my tomatoes. I even left them some Olathe Sweet Corn that had been nibbled down to the stalk but still had the aroma. They ignored it. May they burn in raccoon hell, if in fact they are raccoons at all. It could be marauding badgers.
Last night I slept in a lawn chair with shotgun across my lap, then at 3 am I heard something creeping around but it was only a mule deer quite content to eat from my apple trees. I need to get some sleep tonight.
I wrapped floodlights around a nearby tree and poured cayenne around the plot. Now I have bad hip-hop music set to go on at the smallest provocation. It will wake up my neighbors but I don’t like them anyway. There the hoses are rigged, buckets in the trees and baited traps everywhere.
Maybe a hand grenade strung up with concertina wire? That would probably only get the attention of the sheriff’s department.
And they were still green, still babes on the vine, little green innocents who had never been able to experience adult life. Cannibals! Murderers! Show yourselves!
Birds wouldn’t eat the many and they’d leave white poop tracers everywhere. Mice wouldn’t make it past the cat patrols. My neighbors’ chickens aren’t capable of the multi-tasking required to land a tomato. It’s got to be those reintroduced wolves! Damn liberals – We told them the wolves and tomatoes did not mix.
Someone suggested I trap the culprits, haul them off and leave them to their own devices up on the Uncompahgre Plateau. That could work if I knew the approximate size of the bandits. I guess I could use tomatoes as bait but that would seem counter-productive.
I had about 50 in tight little clusters, still quite green but growing bigger in the Rocky Mountain sunshine. Hot weather stunted them.
I don’t care if the mule deer eat my apples. I am not upset by the elk nibbling on my lawn and mosquitoes making their last stand eating me. These ruffians dragged off my mail order scarecrow from last year. The few tomatoes I have enjoyed are among the best I have ever tasted. Nice, big and juicy. Wait a little longer for the salsa, wait for the stews, and wait for the BLT. Deprived of my crowning harvest…
Now I’ve come to find out that my neighbor’s garden has been invaded as well. How dare they put the entire community at risk just for their selfish stomachs. At this altitude it can be taxing to grow anything much besides weeds like cannabis. Have they no empathy? Who would think it? This backstabbing wildlife crime, this vile trespass.
Now the victim has become the hunter. It’s not the coyotes out in their pasture dens. They don’t at tomatoes. It’s not the Cat Lady’s crew from next door. It’s not the neighbor’s dumb, barking dogs or the cattle that call this place home. It’s not the local mountain lions or even the bear that would make a lot of racket and leave a mess behind.
“It’s not my responsibility to see that these little intruders go to bed happy with a full tummy”.
I even bought bad boy bacon that I realize will kill me but tastes so good with homegrown tomatoes. Next year peppers, zucchini squash, green onions, cannabis and yes, more tomatoes.
Then on the third night out in the lawn chair something frightening happened. A space ship appeared and several floating, transparent beings exited the craft. I stayed as quiet as I could. They were there for my tomatoes. Could not believe my eyes when…
To be continued
Kissinger escapes from Hell
Henry Kissinger made a daring escape from hell last night in a preposterous lunge through the main gate while security demons were busy tormenting other lost souls.
Kissinger reportedly jumped three stories to the river Acheron where a small craft waited for him. Dark angels followed him to the Cocytus and across the Styx before giving up the chase.
The former Secretary of State is allegedly the first condemned soul to ever to accomplish the feat. Unreliable sources in Hades say he had a desperate plan and accomplices.
“We got a last look at him emerging from the Styx with with former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet Ugarte under one arm and Jorge Rafael Videla, his Argentine genocidal buddy under the other.
“This is not some drama, some dress rehearsal, some illusionary truth. He is gone,” said the fallen angel.
– Bernardo O’Higgins
Mideast Earthquake Could Seal Peace
(Tel Aviv) A major earthquake which has completely severed large chunks of Palestine and Lebanon from Israel may be the first real step toward lasting peace in the region. According to scientists on the scene, volcanic action centered some 150 miles out in the Mediterranean Sea has completely manipulated geologic faults from Syria to Egypt.
As seismic information becomes available it appears that the West Bank and Gaza, two locations of extreme dispute since 1948, have been surgically removed from Asia Minor and are now floating out toward Cyprus taking millions of Palestinians for the ride of their lives. While some are in shock as to the acute transformation others see it as the best chance for a distinct homeland, apart from Israel.
Although many of the uprooted populace still works in Israel most feel the space will alleviate pressure and allow the peace process to thrive. Many view the break as a chance to create a new economy and solve chronic problems such as burgeoning refugee camps, genocidal attacks, land grabs and outright murder by Israeli settlers.
“We are not taking responsibility for any faults associated with our methods of diplomacy,” said a spokeswoman for the Palestinian Chamber of Commerce in Gaza City. “Our weekly kareoke and the kosher barbecues were a step in the right direction, but only in a cultural sense. Politically we were still enemies even though we were singing and eating together, and getting to know each other on a personal basis. The complete geologic break may be just what we needed. Only time will tell.”
– Melvin Toole
“When push comes to shove, there’s not much Christianity in Christian nationalism.”
– David French, New York Times
APOLOGY
We mistakenly printed a story entitled “Perhaps your mistress needs cleaning” when I should have read “Perhaps your mattress needs cleaning”. We are sorry for this insensitive, mysogynistic and mindless mistake. We sincerely hope that no long lasting damage has occurred within the already vulnerable social strata of the modern west.
