Author Archive for M. Toole
Giants on the Subway
(New York – November, 1955)
It was a perfect day for football. The two New York Giants who ducked their hulking heads hopping the Bronx train at 34th Street knew that. It would be bloody, bone-crushing. It was the Bears coming to town.
Al Donovan and Billy Macheski were linemen. They played both ways…offensive and defensive. As the signed autographs for little kids they talked about the afternoon’s competition.
“I don’t like playing this team,” said Macheski. “Last year Lane bit off a piece of my earlobe after a recovered his fumble. Then later in the game Switzer kicked me when the ref wasn’t lookin’.”
“You’re a stitch!” laughed Donovan. “Who was it that was voted Mr. Doom at the team dinner last year? Wasn’t it something like Machewly…Macherny…oh, yes, Macheski!”
“That was for my performance on defense,” barked Macheski. “When I’m on offense I’m really quite polite. After I drive their helmets into the turf I help them up. Rather gallant, I think. Before and after the game I tip my hat to the ladies, whether at home or away, and always send my mom a birthday card.”
“A virtual saint he is,” smiled Donovan. “The Polish prince himself! I’m just glad I don’t have to play against you on Sundays. Tuesday and Thursday practices are bad enough.”
“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me, Al,” quipped Macheski rubbing away an imaginary tear.
A small boy in a Dodger hat toddled up to the two offering them a bite of his apple.
“Why sure, son,” said Donovan biting off a small piece from the uneaten side of the apple. “How about you, Billy?”
“Oh, I’m not hungry…”
“Have a bite of the kid’s apple,” said Donovan.
“Sure, Al,” frowned Macheski taking a small chomp.
The giant hauled the kid up onto his lap and asked him the particulars. He told him he lived in Brooklyn too. His young mother sat across the aisle beaming at the two bruins.
“Are you going to the game today, son?” asked Macheski.
“No, sir,” answered the kid. “We’re going to see my dad. He’s in jail.”
At that the mother grimaced.
“Don’t bore these nice men with your stories, Billy,” she said.
“Billy, huh,” smiled Macheski. “We’re both Billies…”
The subway screeched to a halt and the mother and son got off the train. The kids waved good-bye and the monsters smiled back.
“The kid’s dad in jail, heh. That’s a corker. I remember getting thrown in jail back in 1950 after we beat California in the Rose Bowl.”
The subway rolled through Harlem, stopping at various points for passengers to enter and depart. Several of those recognized the two Giants and wished them well on the afternoon’s game.
“You’ll cream those Bears today,” said one man.
“You’ll smash ’em,” shouted two boys who tossed a football back and forth in their seats.
“I wonder if you could sign last week’s program for my daughter,” asked another rider who said she lived in Chelsea. “She’s a big fan of yours, Billy.”
The train reached the Bronx, just as an elderly fan completed his appraisal of the team’s chances for the remainder of the season.
“Almost there,” whispered Al to himself. “I’m glad I have tomorrow off. I’ll need it to soak this knee. Then I’ll take Saturday to go over the offense for next week’s game in Green Bay.”
“Oh, hell, we’re going up to that ice box? The $3,000 they pay me to play football just ain’t enough. Frostbite is worth $4,000 at least.”
“Yeah, and you’ve got two kids to send to college someday,” said Macheski.
“Why do you think I have a day jog down at the Brooklyn Ship Yards. Longshoremen are still paid better than the heroes of the gridiron,” said Donovan sarcastically, “besides they pay a pension.”
The train pulled up across from Yankee stadium and the two threw their spikes over their shoulders and departed.
“No matter how many games I play I still get butterflies,” said Macheski, “but I love it.”
“Sissy,” chided Donovan. “It’s a grand day for football.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Cattle Cars Block Gates, Delay Flights
(DFW) Lines of worn out railroad cars, originally designed for livestock, have wrecked havoc at many of the nation’s airports, blocking airplane access, limiting normal passenger boarding procedures and slowing down what has long been a dehumanizing experience. Critics of the industry contend that humans are routinely delivered to departure points by these less than pristine land yachts.
And that says nothing about understaffed and currently unpaid air traffic controllers.
“Hordes of flights have been delayed and some even cancelled,” said consumer protection advocate Abbey Wingseat. Airports have become less and less user friendly and now these persistent traffic jams in front of gates have created an intolerable almost noxious environment for pilots, flight crews baggage personnel and. Lest we forget…passengers who have paid to fly.”
Cattle cars are often backed up across runways making parking of planes a lengthy disaster, especially for those with tight connecting flights. It appears to be a problem only with US carriers. Despite all the slogans and promises these U.S. based airlines have continued their descent.
“How are we supposed to load the increased throng of passengers if we don’t improvise?” Asked Fardt, of of American Airlines. “Sure, people are unhappy with the conditions right now but they will soon forget about the trials of boarding once they are on the plane.”
Spokesman for United Airlines chipped in saying that what goes on on the tarmac stays on the tarmac. She reiterated that most planes reach their destinations safely and without incident., adding that only malcontents find that the use of this bucolic transportation (provided to passengers at no extra charge) dilutes the flying experience, is dirty and causes anxiety.
“We are not livestock,” said one frequent flyer of Southwest. He then promised that his next trip would be by bus. He then broke into a chorus of moos, baaas, low bellows, snorts and grunts, supported by other quasi-stranded travelers, a chorus of the disaffected. Many wonder what happened to what was once a pleasant experience in the air.
“But we offer more leg room,” chimed in the airline source.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Is it more secure to surround oneself with unread books or books that you have read 100 times? What about even once?” – Dolores Alegria
Medicine Wagon in Ashes
Special from the Ouray Solid Muldoon
(Uncompahgre City –1880) The sale of more than 200 bottles of alleged cure-all elixir has resulted in the destruction of a gypsy medicine wagon and the near tar and feathering of one Doctor Orwadd Chestnut. According to local marshals Chestnut sold his self-heralded mixture to naive townspeople with the promise that it would relieve rheumatism, prevent small pox, treat bunions, prevent pregnancy, fade freckles, improve hearing, reduce stress, and attract the opposite sex. It also proved to be an effective meat marinade and intoxicant according to the doctor, who concocted the juice up in his clandestine Gladstone laboratory last summer.
Of the 200 persons who paid $2 per bottle for the stuff, about 195 were severely displeased. When the subject came up at the weekly town meeting and continued over at the Blind Horse Tavern it was decided that actions speak far louder than words. That night, under cover of January darkness, an angry mob approached the medicine wagon, parked illegally, we might mention, in the heart of the red light zone on 2nd Street.
A spokesman for the group, Al Utter, who had purchased two bottles of the elixir, demanded that Chestnut return the money spent on the cure-all. The doctor agreed saying that he would gladly accept unopened bottles in that they were legitimate returns. That would be impossible, said Utter since everyone tried “the worthless potion” and only then did they realize they had been hoodwinked.
Chestnut smiled nervously and said he could do nothing for them He then attempted to terminate the discussion by slamming the door of his wagon when Utter, aided by a size 13 shoe, blocked his evasive tactics. He grabbed the doctor by the collar and attempted to shake the money out of him.
“We heard a few coins drop on the wooden floor knowing that this charlatan had stashed or spent the cash,” said Sam Murphy, local undertaker a leading member of the vigilantes. “It was at that moment when somebody yelled Burn him out! and torches appeared. In moments the brightly colored gypsy wagon was in flames.”
After watching helplessly while his establishment fried Doctor Chestnut decided that discretion was in fact the better part of valor and that ill gotten gains could cost him his neck. He relented and gave back the $400 (a handsome sum to say the least), spouting apologies, quoting the moralists and begging for mercy. The mob then returned the remaining elixir, those bottles that had not been smashed against the burning wagon. Several eye witnesses insist that they saw evidence of tar and feathers in the wings and that Chestnut was smart to leave town.
“People just don’t like strangers coming into town fast talking them out of their hard earned money,” said one marshal. “It’s a long winter up here. We’ll just save the tar and feathering for another day,” he smiled.
Meanwhile up in Highland Mary residents report a severe drop in small pox, freckles and general stress. In addition they informed this reporter that rheumatism was under control and that everyone in town could hear much better after a week taking Chestnut’s recipe. Bunions, too, had miraculously disappeared from the toes of the miners.
“We don’t know how the stuff works with regards to the opposite sex since we don’t have any women currently residing here,” said one satisfied customer.
Mercenaries Win World Series
(Toronto) The Los Angeles Mercenaries defeated the Toronto Blue Jays last night 5 – 4 in the 11th inning. A mostly copped squad, the Mercenaries have the largest payroll in baseball. There was a time when the LA franchise had the finest minor league programs in the sport. Now traditional modes have made way for cash.
The absence of an established salary cap in baseball is the culprit here. Until that matter is settled we will watch as the Dodgers along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs and Mets continue to buy instead of develop. The big markets dictate everything including lucrative TV contracts. Meanwhile the fan pays the freight.
Or will these smaller market fans get tired of the imbalances and choose not follow their teams at all? When a backup shortstop makes millions and many workers struggle on $15 per hour the hardball precipice is quaking and shaking, primed for a fall of some magnitude.
2026 would be a splendid time to boycott Major League Baseball until it comes to its collective sense and saves the National Sport from moolah mode. Maybe then salaries might level off and Americans can enjoy more competitive baseball played on level playing fields and not bags of gold and ledger sheets.
-Pepper Salte
Joint Military Maneuvers Target Canada
Decades ago in the San Juan Horseshoe
(Washington) The Clinton Administration today confirmed rumors that the planned U.S.-Russian joint military maneuvers may involve a little more than summer war games. The exercise will be held on American soil sometime in July or August.
“Yeah, it’s true. We’re planning to invade Canada,” said one Pentagon/White House liaison. “Hell, it’s just sitting there.”
The surprise attack will most likely come early in the morning, and feature assaults by land and from the sea, with both American and Russian units employed over strategic points along the more than 3,500-mile border.
“We have pinpointed certain objectives, such as the locks on the St. Lawrence River, a brewery in Montreal, government buildings in Ottawa, a salmon canning plant on Vancouver Island and the rail yards at Winnipeg,” said the liaison, who is a recognized expert on polar bear, munitions and ice hockey.
Insiders say that the U.S. government has been planning the punitive invasion since 1993, when the Toronto Blue Jays last won the World Series. According to a high source, they simply needed the Russian commitment to disguise the assault as some sort of a United Nations (allied) effort.
“Hell, we’ve been lusting after Canada since the days of Benedict Arnold,” said one paratrooper, “and the Russians are game. They haven’t had a good brawl since they left Afghanistan.”
The White House refused to comment on reports that Alaska might be returned to Russia in the event of a successful campaign, or that the Blue Jays could be moved to Havana.
-Signelle de Bushe
US Residents Can Rely on PSC
(Toronto) Imagine the relief in the lower 48 with the announcement that US citizens, legal residents and even undocumented aliens can employ the Canadian version of FEMA called Public Safety Canada to help the prepare for bad weather and even offer premonitory disaster response.
Canada serves its population through collaborative efforts of the Government Operations Centre, several provincial agencies, PSC and a host of NGOs. With the near-dismantling of the US counterpart, FEMA, many in the United States fear for the worse during hurricane season and the effects of climate changes that have arrived angry and extreme over the past decade.
The current leadership down south has all but shattered and shuttered the very effective agency with layoffs, pilfering and lies while extending lucrative tax cuts to the already wealthy. Access to often life-saving information is no longer available or has been severely derailed by reduction of staff and the flight experts he see a fascist future in full regalia.
“Our neighbors are welcome to use weather stats and data as well as emergency disaster forecasts since FEMA has been hobbled by Il Douche,” said Paul Galaski, of PSC. “Preparation is imperative to survival in many cases. Hurricane monitoring (not directly affecting our Commonwealth) has been in place for almost a century. We seek to prevent natural and man-made catastrophes, calamities and debacles wherever they occur.”
The White House has accused Canada of furthering global warming propaganda calling the on its base to decipher fake news from real news with a sip of kool aid news. It further claims that blue states will be given preference from the “left-leaning land” up north. Canadian chat suggests that no one is working at FEMA apart from janitors and an expanded security force to keep nosy citizens away from the formerly functioning facility.
“We will offer a helping hand even to red states such as Texas and Florida to prepare for the worse and build resilience against future events,” said Galaski. Canada will serve as the preventative wheel and not the after-the-storm response.”
Meanwhile the average American is at risk despite the kind offer of brotherhood exhibited herein.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
