RSSAuthor Archive for M. Toole

Strange monoliths continue to spring up

Monoliths like this one continue to show up all over the Rockies. The refined pillars of stone, or sometimes brick, arrive with no baggage or clear origin. NASA and more clandestine federal agencies have remained closed mouthed on the issue blaming incendiary artists, sculptural anarchists and hermits who live in caves for the odd, vertical monuments. Local residents are warned to check their yards and pastures for intrusions or suspicious behavior on the part of neighbors or livestock.

RASPUTIN HELD IN DANBURY PRISON

RASPUTIN HELD IN DANBURY PRISON

A modern day Grigori Rasputin is lurking in one of the nation’s finest prisons tonight in Danbury Connecticut. Stephen K. Bannon arrived at his new digs yesterday with a four-month all-inclusive reservation compliments of the United States government.

Like a recharged mafia bagman he continues to elevate his chosen gods while denouncing those who do not follow his prescription for a better world, with a newly forged America in the driver’s seat. Other convicts say he dictates to minions from his cell, using Rasterschlüssel 44, a cipher the Nazis successfully employed in world War II.

Rasputin at least washed his hair every six months in Lake Ladoga, breaking the ice for his vernal rinse.

For those who don’t recognize the name, Rasputin was the mysterious “Mad Monk” who surfaced during the twilight of Czar Nicholas II, in the shadows of the Russian Revolution. History tells us he had critical influence at the royal court in St. Petersburg especially with the Czarina Alexandra. He was the royal healer turned political confidant.

Rasputin cemented his relationship with the czar and czarina by supposedly alleviating the suffering of their only son and heir, Alexei, who had hemophilia, a rare disorder in which blood doesn’t properly clot.

While we realize most most MAGAs don’t know that name, we are compelled to draw stark similarities of the two personalities, behavior exhibited on and off stage. These same persons are quite familiar with Stephen K..

Bannon was sentenced to 4-months for defying a Congressional Subpoena with regards to the January 6 Trump-induced insurrection. He is loyal for now, a lot like Rasputin had been.

The pilgrim holy man was murdered by wealthy Russian nobles concerned that his sway with the Romanovs, and his continued presence was a threat to the Empire. Although the details of his foggy surmise are sketchy historians recount more than five attempts on his life before he was found floating, badly battered, in the Neva River.

His death enraged the peasantry, heralding in the Russian Revolution and eventually the Bolshevik takeover by Lenin and his cronies. His spooky prediction, that if the royal family deserted him the Czar and his family would soon be gone, came true.

Bannon has never washed his hair fearing that it will affect his genius and threaten the macho image he has tried so hard to create.

Bannon, for his part has had remarkable clout with the orange-haired, Czar Wannabe. He is equally as creepy as Rasputin and needs shampooing. He is defiant at every turn, his real motivation often clouded and suspicious even to allies, who see him as a savior on his mighty steed ready to lead the charge.

“There’s not a prison built or jail built that will ever shut me up,” he bragged recently.

Bannon is also facing criminal charges in New York state court alleging he duped donors who gave money to build a wall along the U.S. southern border. He has pleaded not guilty to money laundering, conspiracy, fraud and other charges. That trial has been postponed until at least the end of September.

“The holy man is he who takes your soul and will and makes them his. When you choose your holy man, you surrender your will. You give it to him in utter submission, in full renunciation.”    –Fyodor DostoyevskyThe Brothers Karamazov

 

Happy Bastille Day!

Churches, Liquor Stores Competing for Salvation

(Manapew) Local churches and liquor stores remain neck-in-neck when it comes to implied comforts and financial profits in the salvation business. Although the economic horizon remains clouded, profits are up for both parties who offer distinctly different paths toward eternal peace.

According to the most recent figures, people here in the big ol’ buckle of the Bible Belt are still spending more money in the church pews than in the liquor aisles, but only slightly. With the summer raging on, a shift toward what sociologists call creeping recreational thirst may have a major impact on seasonal statistics. Whether these otherwise right field stats are hinged to morality or simply a matter of convenience no one knows.

A large control group, comprised of boozers in the pews, has yet to be introduced into the equation, making most conclusions irrelevant anyway.

Sources in the liquor industry as well as those affiliated with the temples of good news refused comment when tallied. Pagan groups have yet to return our surveys.

“Data is streaming out the window and head counts replace science,” explained one surly bean counter from her cubicle Thursday. Get everyone whatever they are drinking and let’s get down to some good ol’ preachin’.”

Social scientists contend that human nature can be chronicled through good and bad times by daily activity that seeks release and meaning. They add that providing simple answers to the eternal questions regarding metaphysics and sobriety are often enough to herd frightened people into camps that offer temporary relief from life’s stressful moments.

Many say that a combination of philosophies might do the trick while others see the two roads as highly incompatible.

“Often the guilt associated with organized religion propels the sinner toward the sin,” said another controversial study. “Too much Coors Lite and too much Jesus generally set the stage for disaster.”

“Moderation is the key,” say the experts. “The problem is that most of us can’t even find the door.”

-Alfalfa Romero

“Give us all a short, tall one.”

– G. Roscoe Lovingood, No Delay Bar, Montrose, CO July, 1978.

AYN RAND RETURNS?

A woman claiming to be the author, Ayn Rand allegedly appeared to shepherds on Corkscrew Pass this morning asking for water and directions to Ouray. She was accompanied by a Russian Wolfhound and wearing an ill-fitting pair of bib overalls said to be the property of John Galt, a character in one of her novels.

“We didn’t know what to make of the visit since none of us knew who she was and what she looked like,” said one herdsman. “She shrugged it off and explained her connection to Red Mountain and Saint Germain in particular.

Later, half-way through a bottle of plum wine she referenced shark-barrel economics through the rose-colored glasses of objectivism and encouraged the shepherds to invest their money wisely, since personal credibility is strongly linked to one’s financial success.

“She claims to have returned from the dead, continued the herdsman. She told us there is no heaven and certainly no hell.”

“They are here inside your punkin head,” she had laughed. “The afterlife is is very disappointing even to an atheist. There is not much, only miles and miles of empty handicapped parking spaces.”

Inmates in a nearby Trump camp have come out to support Ayn…MAGA sheep too are big fans of her selfish and debauched philosophies… that hoard while negating the big picture. Many even see her as a viable running mate for their beloved.

Meanwhile local Democrats worry that President Biden cannot even beat a failed gangster who, if elected, may have to rely on work release so as to come visit the Oval Office.

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Yeah,  just make up the bed, get rid of these bottles and send the boy for another jug of rum.” 

– Fred Zeppelin, waking up in a strange hotel room sumultaneously surviving the mid-day heat at Praia Criacao, Trancoso, Bahia, Brasil

Ancient Chicken or The Egg Controversy Turns Ugly

(East Egg Yolk) What was once a friendly discussion as to the origins of a species has turned into a loony turf battle pitting armed gangs of bandy roosters bent on ruffling feathers, clucking away as to the beginnings of the speicies.

A historically conservative and hesitant agriculture corner has always remained off the grid when it comes to tedious questions and answers about origins, destinations and organic fertilizers The cyclical nature of all that grows and prospers has always dominated thought down on the farm, but now old wounds and resentments are forefront.

“These disturbances indicate much more serious cracks in the system,” said Isa Brown, a Rhode Island Red from Beak Peek Poultry in Pinkyville. “Frankly I’m shocked at the behavior of many of our birds. I thought they didn’t give a hoot about highbrow primitive theories and technical aspects of the order of evolution.”

With even the opinionated hen houses (read: female gangs) joining in the fray, turning over cars, starting fires, and refusing to sit for the long hours of incubation, they avoid direct conflict preferring to engage in a clucking guerrilla war. Already small cadres have left calling cards at grocery stores, fast food locations and petting zoos. These radicals are threatening to shut down the egg industry unless the grand question (chicken or egg arrival) is answered.

The two armed camps appear to be licking wounds this afternoon preparing for more disturbances after dark. Both groups are demanding that their school of thought be the acknowledged explanation for the arrival of the chicken or the egg . No chicken wants to hear from other chickens unless they are of comparable thought.

“One must understand that this ain’t no Penny Penny drama here,” continued Brown, face contorted, eyes in fear. We have surpassed the smoothing feathers phase, cackling for an end to the ancient controversy. “Ain’t nobody brooding with all these distractions. Consumers will be paying more for eggs unless there is some solution acceptable to all sides,” he winced. 

Hardboiled elements on both sides of the yolk claim that the only way to decide the issue is by force. They insist that the hapless chicken population would undoubtedly continue to wallow in ignorance unless jolted severely.

“This entire mismanagement of science makes us look stupid,” said Red Jungle-Fowl, a genetically altered  “I don’t recall this controversy rising with in the herds, primates or even the lizards, and we’re not asking the proverbial question as to why anyone (man or chicken) crossed any road. That’s another issue altogether,” he smiled.

An estimated 16,000 eggs have been peeled since the gangs charged out of the coop last year. Over 200,000 have been displaced and the troubles appear to be idling in the infant stages. Meanwhile principals complain that they are reduced to walking on egg shells.

– Tommy Middlefinger