Author Archive for M. Toole
Brunot Agreement Rescinded
After more than 150 years courting appeals and petitioning higher powers the Blue Sky People have won an unprecedented legal battle which effectively negates the Brunot Treaty and returning some 3.5 million acres of land to its rightful owners. The questionable agreement, signed in 1873 under blatantly false pretense, called for the removal of all Utes from the area of mines, which included all of the San Juans, most of the foothills and everything else that wasn’t tied down..
Even though a previous Treaty (1868) guaranteed that the land “would be theirs forever” the newer entente, hatched by newcomers such as Governor Frederick Pitkin, called for the expulsion of the seven Ute bands to reservations along the New Mexico and Utah borders.
At the time the Utes did not understand what the government had done. It had been their understanding during negotiations that they would give up land on which the mines were actually located, not all the land that contained mines. The situation was further clouded by a government decree recognizing Ouray (of the Uncompahgre Band) as chief of all Colorado Utes. This designation allegedly helped grease the smooth transfer of lands to white settlers.
“If Ouray was chief of the Utes then my ass chews gum,” said one Ute sheep herder living near Ignacio. “He was never elected to anything. I was all a giant hoax to grab our land, which we feel cannot be owned in the first place.”
During the last few days of hearings, Supreme Quart justices apologized to the Blue Sky People for “unparalleled grievances, rampant violence and methodical racism”. Saying that the land in question was stolen they declared all treaties starting with the Calhoun Treaty of 1850 to be null and void.
“We can’t give these native peoples back their culture, their murdered families or their way of life but we can damn sure give them back their land.
In keeping with the ruling, the town of Ouray will be renamed Colorow and the city of Gunnison to Tomichi. Colorow was a real chief and Gunnison had been named after early white explorer John Gunnison, a man of questionable moral fiber.
“Tomichi sounds better,” continued the herder.
“We expect it will take about 100 years for the land to return to its more natural state,” explained one Ute councilman from what was once called Cortez, and will now be named Weeminuche City.
The white folks currently residing on the effected acreage will have until Friday to vacate the premises or be forcibly moved to reservations in the desert.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Electoral college eyeballs Montrose
The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant, the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.
After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.
Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2035. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.
The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.
Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.
– Hopper “Flash” Floode
(We) “could be court-martialed… and condemned to take a walk up Ladder Lane and down Hemp Street.” – conversation among castaway discussing the dangers of mutiny in The Wager by David Grann. Ladder Lane refers to the steps up the scaffold and Hemp Street is the hangman’s rope.
Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter
(Lake Ontario) Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates in the next few years should be aware of imperfections ever there said Rev. Price Bullwhistle at a meeting of The Privileged Christians here.
The group is meeting again this morning to decide on how to eliminate political foes and to execute a mandate requiring forced adherence to its moral statutes in the region.
Yesterday Rev. Bullwhistle blamed a number of non-christians and underprivileged ethnic groups for the state of affairs in the Great Beyond. He assured the faithful that if the tow the line these inconveniences as well as their associated groups would be eliminate. Quoting from the Book of Moammar, the proverbial Bad Angel, Bullwhistle noted several of the more serious shortages:
1. Fuel is in short supply up there. Myths about 29 cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more.
2. Fast food outlets are on the brink of collapse due to a return to good health practices by the populace. Shortages of lettuce and ketchup have pushed the situation into the emergency corner.
3. Moses does not drive a red Cadillac anymore but has opted for a Toyota wagon.
4.Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are a quarter in most places if you can find one that works at all. A phone call from heaven to say, Purgatory often costs up to $1.50 for three minutes and the price is expected to go up again this fall.
5. Lift tickets are not still $10 at major ski areas but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world as well.
Bullwhistle went on to tell the faithful of other myths associated with eternal living. His biggest concern seemed to be of a political nature.
“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag draped pulpit. “He was never elected Governor of California in paradise either.”
According to Bullwhistle the black and white film of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not and never has showed Adolph Hitler shaking hands repeatedly with Jesse Owens either. Hitler, now residing “on the other side of the tracks” as it were, is a popular after dinner speaker in there netting in the neighborhood of 120,000 induls (from indulgences) heaven’s main form of currency.
Socially Bullwhistle warned of such common myths as “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I want” and “Forget about personal hygiene- I’m a spirit now and no one can smell me anyway.
“Imagine if you will,” offered Bullwhistle, “a slow moving elevator crammed with the fat and righteous who haven’t been investing in deodorant or tooth paste. Hell may indeed have its fury but we would have smelled heaven’s wrath,” he wailed.
The Reverend continued by verifying rumors that the New York Times Book Review was available in the hereafter and that 138,000 heavenians were injured by falling through clouds in 2017 alone. He concluded on a disheartening note, however, telling the assembled multitude that time spent judging their neighbor while on earth did not transfer into graduate credits up there.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
“The initial American strategy failed, the war with Iran is consuming the entire region, Iran and Ukraine are risking a face-off, there is evidence that both Russia and China are escalating their military commitments, American munitions stocks are dwindling and Trump is raging. – David French, New York Times
Plan to create more land gets commissioner approval
(Almont) A sweeping new blueprint which would effectively create more land in Gunnison County got by a major stumbling block Thursday as the Gunnison Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to give the plan a go.
The concept, brainchild of Tiera Tiera Tiera, a Gothic-based geophysical consulting firm, calls for the expansion of current acreage some 10% each year over the next few years resulting in an additional 145,000 acres at the end of the program, which is expected to be concluded before 2030.
Cold to the idea for years, the commissioners warmed up when told that the additional expansion would be comprised of 40% wetlands and another 35% dark timber contemporary, comparable to the Ohio Pass region and lands above Crested Butte. The remaining 25% of the new land would be alpine and sub-alpine tundra.
Environmentalists reportedly have reserved final comments until a public hearing, slated for early March. Although cynical at first, many seem to have adopted the idea from a custodial standpoint allowing potential conservation measures to overcome preliminary fantasies and physical laws.
“We can envision acres of greenbelt, surrounded by Nature Conservatory parcels dotting the landscape,” said one HCCA source. “We know what these people are up to and it has to do with feeding the building boom. Sure, we can tolerate a few more trophy homes just so long as at least half of the land is protected from development for all time.
Someday soon working families will be able to afford to build a house on a piece of this newly generated soil according to TTT, alluding to endless longitudes and latitudes. This synthetic sagebrush and sediment will soon host top soil and healthy trees allowing more of the comforts wage earners deserve and economic security —an embrace of a more functional family life amid the chaos of 2026.
If the land expansion goes as proposed, Gunnison County officials will be hard pressed to find enough wildlife to fill the newly created vacuum. Expanding the current deer and elk herds won’t be much of a chore but attracting more of the right kind of exotic predators such as wolves, cougars, moose, bruins, trout and twice the eagle population could take decades. All parties agree that preserving the food chain, regarding people remains a top priority.
“People take the elements of living here for granted,” said one commissioner. “Do they think all of these animals just showed up last night? And what of the trees and plants? It took generations for these intricate elements to meld as one ecosystem. If we are going to pursue this exiting experiment with space we want to do things right. Rushing into a poorly conceived notion at this point could cause the mountains to flatten out and the rivers to overflow. It will spell trouble down the road.”
Already the largest county in Colorado, the newly emerging landscape could, in a few years, represent a mass larger than several New England states and the District of Columbia combined.
“We’re not map snobs,” said a spokesman for Tiera Tiera Tiera, “or megalomaniacs intent on expanding our reality for the sake of power or profit. We just want to offer rural counties the option of positive growth beneficial to everyone, you know, more elbow room. When the first pioneers arrived they didn’t have to deal with land use codes, covenants or easements. Why? Because there was more than enough room for everyone, except of course uncooperative residents like the Utes and the Grizzly Bear.”
Whether the existing population centers will expand has not been discussed at press time nor was the necessary construction of new roads connecting old land with new. Percentages of vertical to horizontal parcels likewise has not been undressed.
“We’d like to see more people able to buy land, more animals grazing, more water, said one commissioner, “and, yes, even more sagebrush. Let’s not forget the sagebrush.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“You will never find peace with these fascists
You’ll never find friends such as we
So remember that valley of Jarama
And the people that’ll set that valley free.
From this valley they say we are going
Do not hasten to bid us adieu
Even though we lost the battle at Jarama
We’ll set this valley before we’re through.
All this world is like this valley called Jarama
So green and so bright and so fair
No fascists can dwell in our valley
Nor breathe in our new freedoms air.”
BATS, BEARS AND BUTTERFLIES
It’s Getting Crowded in the Great Outdoors
(Oh-Be-Joyful) The place is overrun. Just the other night while camping out under a newly installed municipal street light up the Slate we watched in horror as thousands, well hundreds, of fruit bats circled our tent with lord knows what intent. They are nothing more than little rats with wings. I don’t care if they are blind and operate on radar. They don’t bathe regularly and can carry rabies (in their back pockets?)
Then it was the bears. Damn, the bats finally got tired of their mindless orbit and the fury beasts emerge. Damn, I strung all the Spam up in the tree like Mr. Ranger said to do, but bears can climb trees! I banked the fire and now they want marshmallows. Wow, that bruin just ripped the lid off my cooler and he doesn’t appear to have thumbs! I hope he doesn’t come into the tent — that’s where I’ve hidden the rum. I’ve been informed that the animals are most active at dawn and at dusk so I guess we should just sleep in the daytime and hike at night. Are flashlights legal in a pristine, wilderness area? I’ll have to consult my Nashville Forest brochure written by uniformed men over in Denver. They manage the land, you know.
Hey, the reason we are out in the forest in the first place is to observe butterflies in their natural habitat but I think the bats and bears have scared them off. We wait all year for the weather to turn warm so we can drink a glass of wine and munch on some overpriced exotic cheese and we have to share this time warp with pests. Wait. There’s a butterfly now. Where’s my net?
Do people collect butterflies due to some sadistic flaw or because they can’t stand to see a being so very colorful cruising the skies at peace all day? What eats butterflies and how did they get tagged with such a dreadful label?
At least they aren’t like bats. Despite the fact that bats eat mosquitoes they still swoop. That’s it. That’s what gets under my skin. It’s the swooping. In Mexico bats don’t tend to swoop as much as the peso. In Costa Rica someone left the bats out all night and they were stolen. In the jungles of South America they have vampire bats which is one reason travelers are subjected to all those barely pubescent soldiers standing around with machine guns. It’s bat control. That’s all. If you have a problem just call the American Embassy.
If one comes in contact with a bat, waving at it does little good. They just wave back. Flies, oh thou little bat of snot, will go away for a while. Bats, on the other hand, seem to think that if you are so intent on driving them away there must be something you are attempting to protect, like mosquitoes, rum, mosquitoes or some other treasure. They don’t know. They are like the IRS with wings.
The best way to handle a bat is to grip the bat at the bottom with both hands, spread you feet, don’t crowd the plate and keep your eye on the ball. Take a few practice swings in the on-deck circle. At the last moment of contact squeeze and swing through the ball. When reaching first base you are on your own.
I had a friend once who fashioned himself quite the mountain man. He tried this conventional approach to handling a bear, grabbing low and squeezing. He is buried in our backyard under a Russian olive tree.
Long before the native cape buffalo were run off by the high winds the butterfly and the bear were compatible. Most likely this mutual toleration resulted from the primary reality that neither had anything the other needed. Instinctually any bear will tell you that butterflies don’t generate honey. Likewise butterflies aren’t hot on eating parasites (even with béarnaise sauce) off their shaggy counterparts nor do they enjoy munching on a rotten cow that has been buried by a member of the Ursidae clan so as to create the ultimate gourmet treat. Both are generally omnivorous but, like the Epicureans of the Pacific Rim, will consume an assortment of canned meats if they have access to a can opener. Bats hate Spam, often picking at it, then feeding it to the family dog when no one is looking.
If you encounter a bat in the wilds you probably won’t notice the intrusion since they are nocturnal and hard to see in the dark. Bears on the other hand are up all the time due to their fascinating habit of sleeping all winter. In truth, bears can do without folks and usually retreat unless food, cubs, or harsh political differences are apparent.
Responding to a bear encounter is simple enough, unless it doesn’t work well. First of all, stay calm. This may be difficult considering the fact that a 300-pound prowler has just entered your domain. Make noise so that the bear knows you are around. Pretend you haven’t seen the beast and he/she may retreat. If you are wearing aftershave or perfume that smells like honey or dead cows, dispense with all logical thought and make a run for the truck. There is little truth to the rumor that bears eat Californians and Texans on sight. Statistics lie.
If you find yourself toe-to-toe with a bear back away slowly and avoid direct eye contact as the animal may perceive your stare as a threat. Give the animal an escape route, like the state of Montana. Don’t run. That bear may look chubby but he ran track in college. You can’t outrun a bear. Sudden movements (even those associated with the bowels) can provoke an attack. Speak softly. Reassure the bruin that no harm is meant. Most bears speak American. Just flip out a couple of fifties and, miraculously, most will understand you.
Try not to show fear. That’s what it says in the brochure. Fight back. If you are attacked hit the bear with a rock or a stick. Chainsaws are effective and so are child-proof cigarette lighters, Swiss Army knives, political opinions and last night’s pot of beans. Most likely the bear will tire of the struggle and go back into the woods where he belongs. If not there’s a plot next to our mountain man friend. Biting, kicking and grabbing the bear by his privates is considered dirty fighting by most animals of the forest.
If you are attacked by bats you are probably dreaming or drinking too much cheap gin. If you are attacked by a butterfly you should probably spend your next outing at the dog track, the bowling alley or the local mall.
The outdoors isn’t for everyone although this time of the year it sure seems like it.
– Uncle Pahgre
MOST BLACK BEAR LIVE BELOW POVERTY LINE
(Denver) A majority of Colorado’s 20,000 black bear are indigent, penniless and otherwise destitute according to Division of Fur, Scales, and Feathers here. The Office of FSF, a division of the Colorado SOW, says the problem is increasing with sub-substandard snow pack yielding less food and fewer acres of ample ground cover in which to hide from burgeoning human occupiers.
The black bear, the smallest and most numerous of the overall species, has been living hand to mouth, trudging through the milenniums long before statistics as to fiscal well being were collected. In the years when worth was measured not in material wealth but in spirit, this did not present such a gaping problem but today the disparity runs rampant like a hungry child with his bum hanging out.
Although the bear is inquisitive, very adaptive, bright and social, he is up against the wall of progress. Despite the inequality he is remarkably tolerant of humans. A shy omnivore, the bear will eat just about anything plant or animal. Chronic problems emerge when the animals get used to eating human garbage and thus have more contact with the main predator, which, of corpse, is you and I.
Able to run in bursts exceeding 35 miles per hour and climb trees like nobody’s business, black bear are great swimmers. Often living up to 25 years in the wild, the bear exhibits incredible smell, sight and hearing.
“The bear may be proud beasts but are basically stinky deadbeats, like most other forest mammals,” said Durango biologist Lexy Brooine, head of the Fur and Feathers segment of SOW, a state component of Boneland Security.
“If you give a bear a fish you create dependency. If you teach a bear to fish you create a functional creature who embraces independence. With cuts over at welfare and unpredictable gov’ment assistance qualification (compliments of the incompetent trumpies currently in power), it is difficult to cater to our wards even with the above mentioned free-lance, expansion of the traditional bruin cusine ,” she explained. “There is only so much honey to give away.”
Often considered reasonably affluent in comparison to smaller mammals as well as fish and flying things, the black bear have fallen onto hard times due to bad investments, outsourcing, lack of leadership and a gradual departure from scrupulous survival instincts that have served them well since the species began to evolve.
“Sounds a lot like the current human quagmire,” said Brooine.
“In addition to human garbage and abandoned cars, ski areas and mountain golf resorts have mercilessly killed traditional habitat leaving the animals reliant on the gov’ment,” added Brooine. “Think of all the money diverted into already deep pockets on these endeavors, and it’s easy to see why the bear are where they are, at least in a financial sense.”
– Uncle Pahgre
For more on this sad subject see Indian, Buffalo and Bear: Subtle Suburban Genocide by Melvin Bedwetter Toole, Testosterone Bros., Boston.
