Author Archive for M. Toole
Banks to close yesterday
The more than 41,874 banks within the political confines of the United States have closed their doors forever starting yesterday morning. An exact time was not forthcoming as an air of secrecy permeated the scene, one of panic and despair, in most cities and towns across the continent.
There will be no epic run on the banks like in other manipulated crashes in the past. A run is impossible since there is no one at the teller post, and no inside the buildings at all. They have gone.
“We have most of the money so why should we open our doors to the public? They just come in and distract us from counting our money.” said Sycamore Sycophantee, the latest nincompoop in a line of Federal Reserve lackeys, and son of Reynaldo Preacher Sycophantee, the avowed patriarch of bankings’ most notable family tree, the Arepa Birch.
In the unprecedented action all savings accounts and checking accounts will be frozen and drained. ATM machines will not function and all CDs have been sucked dry. The status of other more substantial investments will be determined by the client-banker relationship forged over time.
A spokesman for the Federal Reserve told reporters, “We’re as surprised by all of this as you are. Give us a little time to sort things out. We’ll get back to you.”
The source echoed prior threats that persons engaged in unsympathetic behavior toward the money institutions could face prosecution.
“It’s still your money, folks,” said one banker. “You just can’t use it.”
The now deserted office buildings will house the homeless while automatic teller booths will be turned back into fuzzy caterpillars.
– Susie Compost
Heard this from somebody else
A metaphor for something misguided, absurd, ultra ridiculous:
This is the equivalent of pooping in your pants then going home and changing your shirt.
Antifa Cells Under Reflecting Pool
Seeking global solidarity, a radical wing of Antifacista is allegedly acquiring an unsettling number of war elephants to use to attack Orange Donald before the midterm elections in November. ICE Agents searching for the elephants, that reportedly number 4000, say that countless Antifa fighters are hiding them under the waters of Washington’s Reflecting Pool . Political analysts continue to determine how this is connected to the poorly received Chung King and LaChoy jokes spewed by Chump during his recent summit with Xi Jinping In Beijing
The anti-facists, honored by trump as the first homegrown American terrorist group in 250 years. Earlier trump has designated sativa as a terrorist organization only to discover it is a strain of cannabis (aka cannabis sativa).
“We’re digging like madmen,” said one excavationist. “We’ll find them and when we do there’ll be hell to pay.”
Administration sources, detecting yet another opportunity to misguide the American people, told reporters today that the massive $13 million remodel of the Reflecting Pool was being conducted simply to improve the ambience of the place.
And if that’s not enough to ruin their morning coffee, many of the union ballroom builders on the East Wing are registered as Antifa operatives, even though there is no visible infrastructure or indication of a central power base.
When we finish the excavation we’ll know more,” said a sweating White House architect.
“An alarming number of subversive workers on the legacy White House Ballroom are currently sabotaging the basement of Congressional chambers,” gasped the source. “One aging double-agent sous chef allegedly voted for Adlai Stevenson in 1956 while the pastry chef’s ghost uncle served with the Abraham Lincoln Brigade in Spain. (1936-1939) . These commies hate America. We’re watching them closely. We hope to neutralize them.”
It is clear that Antifa is after Trump. One kidnapping was thwarted by FBI, foiled because no one wanted to baby sit the Orange Whale. Antifa scuttlebutt? Maybe not.
“I never really ever saw one of these Antifas but I am sure they are everywhere,” said a trump supporter.
“This is a sophisticated cell hates America”. These bloodthirsty mega-terrorists are hell bent on fighting the same fascism that the Allies fought in 1942-45. Doesn’t anyone connect the dots? It’s all quite laughable,” said a spokesman for the Democrats.
In other stumblings, Elon Musk admitted that showcase Nazi, Stephen Miller was an AI foul up from the beginning – The empty net affect did not mix well with bone spurs, bibles or bullies. Our little experiment has gone way wrong, and like AI (and Covid) is very difficult to harness once it gets loose in the lab.
-Small Mouth Bess
Wow. The things you miss while you’re out on a bender – editor
Chinese Pondered Hostage Advantages
(Bejing) President Xi Jinping of China considered leaning on the traditional and often methodical hostage taking of the antiquity during the recent Bejing Summit, but decided his American guests would be of more useful to China if allowed to continue in their positions in the United States government.
According to unreliable sources in Shanghai high party officials discussed the matter but came to the same conclusion. Called a “no brainer” by the military the decision to leave the pieces in place was seen as the path of least resistance.
“All this pageantry and flamboyance is simply a facade,” said noted economist Moon Yat-sen. “This is about money.”
Besides Trump, Xi could have nailed and jailed top tier MAGA boosters Marco Rubio, Elon Musk, Scott Bessent, Stephen Miller, and Pete Hegseth as well as Eric and Lara Trump, all of whom are quite wealthy and could have easily paid reasonable ransom requests to their Chinese hosts for catch and release issues often associated with diplomacy of this type. Insiders here strongly suggest that if the administration leaders were seized as pawns in the greater picture, the president would simply throw them to the wolves and get more toadies to do his bidding.
Back in January the current administration attempted to trade former Head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem for Chinese dissident journalist Jimmy Lai, calling his incarceration a “provocation and vexation of his freedom of speech”. This sneak preview allegedly went down in January while ICE simultaneously attacked and arrested people in Minneapolis for exercising their freedom of speech on the streets of Minneapolis.
-Fred Zeppelin
Horseshoe to sponsor Rwandan mountain gorillas
(Kigali) An American publishing concern, the San Juan Horseshoe, has agreed to provide funding for the migration of some 80 mountain gorillas to the United States. The animals, long-time residents of the endangered list, have become threatened due to the continuing conflicts there between rival tribes, the Hutus and Tutsis.
Although generally residing in the northern, more remote areas of the country the gorillas have been the victims of poaching as well as stray bullets for the last six months. Outsiders, who have been attempting to protect the animals have also become the target of both the desperate rebel faction and the blood-thirsty government militias.
“These gorillas should be considered a national treasure in a country that has become morally bankrupt,” said news honcho, General Kashmir Horseshoe, from his temporary offices in Bukavu, Zaire. “It’s bad enough that these people insist on killing each other at such an impressive rate, but did they have to drag everyone else into their squabble as well? The gorillas are totally apolitical and got along just as well with the French Colonials as they do with the native tribes.”
Speaking of the French, another contingent of troops arrived yesterday in an attempt to protect this city from advancing rebels. All the while, during the slow advance, government militias have murdered refugees by the thousands and created a reign of terror throughout the countryside.
“We can’t really say much, due to the sensitive nature of the current diplomacy,” said Horseshoe. “I haven’t observed the fighting myself but from the number of displaced persons I have seen at the border I wouldn’t recommend Rwanda as a summer vacation destination. I knew a girl named Rwanda in high school, I think that was her name. She was a bit wild, too, but a real lamb compared to these folks.”
The gorillas are being lodged in a downtown hotel until an airlift can be arranged. They are accompanied by a host of French and American biologists and several Swiss veterinarians. There have been no complaints regarding the immediate accommodations, although the room service bill grows higher every day.
“Once we get these animals back to the states the saga will take a turn for the better,” said Horseshoe. “We intend to put them to work writing, selling advertising and as collection agents. This is no charity case here,” he continued.
“Once they get their typing skills back up, we’ll have an incredible pool of secretarial workers, too, and maybe we can get things organized for once. Other ethnic and political groups have managed to assimilate and so will these gorillas who, with the blessing of the Colorado Division of Wildlife, will be housed in the San Juan Mountains along with other new arrivals, the moose, the Grizzly Bear and the Timber Wolf. I hope they all get along as it hasn’t been an easy decade for anyone.”
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole
Panty Hose Great Found Strangled
The aknowledged inventor of pantyhose, 95-year-old Melvin Toole, found strangled in an unidentified library restroom this morning.
A final investigation was put to rest today after yielding little on the violent episode. Authorities admit that they have not determined if the matter as a homicide, a suicide, a hate crime or even an accident.
“More accidents happen in the bathrooms than in any other part of the house,” squibbed a visibly shaken librarian. “Toole was no spring chicken either.”
“He was in there for quite some time but, you know, but I was reluctant to knock, what with privacy laws and all,” gasped an attending staff member.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Reporter Gored in Collision with Bulls
(Pamplona, Spain) American news jockey, Melvin Toole, who was slightly injured during the annual San Fermin running of the bulls April 15, was released from a Madrid hospital this morning. Toole, who along with his trusty dingo Marlboro, was trampled by at least six bulls as he reportedly became disoriented and ran the wrong way during the event. Onlookers say he then panicked, attempted to stare down the rampaging herd and was flattened like a Colombian arepa.
“A person just can’t run against the grain all the time and expect to survive,” said Toole who admitted that he participated in the festival so as to become more like Ernest Hemingway. “I just thank my lucky stars that Marlboro has recovered.”
The Scribe/daredevil received a barrage of media attention just last month as he scaled three New York banks, wearing only a sun bonnet, giant suction cups and discount yoga pants . These dangerous feats were part of a general protest against interest rates and just hours later leaped from a soaring crop duster to bring attention to the plight of farmers in the wake of mindless Trump nincompoops.
“This is the most serious injury I’ve suffered in more than 20 years of performing these kinds of stunts,” said Toole. “It kind of reminds me of the time I got my tongue caught in a state highway road painter in 1967 while demonstrating against federally imposed speed limits.”
-Rocky Flats
