Author Archive for M. Toole
Trump Tours, on the brink of another bankruptcy, expands VIP treks and cruises
Readers are hereby informed that red-eyed Trump Tours will offer discount all-inclusive journeys to include: Caracas, Tehran, Havana, Greenland. The Vatican, Kiev, Ottowa and Minneapolis this month. With Beirut, Yemen and Lagos stints and expansions coming this fall. Trump Tours has struggled of late in that most potential clients do not want to travel to these environs with red caps and do not trust the operators to provide sufficient security in these hot spots.
QUEBEC CLAIMS ROCKIES OFF WAIVERS
The city of Quebec has recovered its NHL honor a la hockey, by raiding a poorly performing Major League Baseball franchise, it was confirmed this morning.
Although details are sketchy, a cash and players to be named later arrangement is already in place. The Tit-for-Tat move takes advantage of the Colorado Rockies’ dismal start, its continued poor performances and its comfort zone in the basement. It was a squad quite well on its way to losing 100 games again this season.
The long defunct Quebec Nordiques, under extreme financial pressure back in 1995, were sold and moved to Denver where the well-loved Canadian troupe became the Colorado Avalanche. Now the stumblebum Rox are likely headed north.
The Nordiques played in the NHL. 1979 – 1995
The Nordiques, in their heralded red fleur-de-lis jerseys, played at the Colisée de Québec and were intense rivals with the Montreal Canadiens. Stars included Michel Goulet, Peter Stastny, and Joe Sakic.
The near-total lack of English-language media limited the Nordiques’ marketability even in their best years, and made many non-French-speaking players wary of playing for them.
May 1975 The team relocated to Denver where it won the Stanley the first year there. 1976 & again in 2001
- Standouts included Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, Owen Nolan, Mike Ricci, Wendel Clark, Andrei Kovalenko, Adam Deadmarsh, Martin Rucinsky, Scott Young, Bob Bassen, Claude Lapointe, Chris Simon, Rene Corbet
- Defense: Adam Foote,
Then the final piece, Hall of Fame goalie Patrick Roy, was acquired by the Colorado Avalanche in a blockbuster trade with the Montreal Canadiens on December 6, 1995
The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup in their first season (1995-1996) in the Mile High City after moving west from Quebec.
“Rockies like a wounded animal that needs love”
Upon hearing that Canada had adopted the professional baseball team, the entire country prepared a gala welcome.
“We aren’t expecting miracles up here considering the past few years in Denver but maybe the team can cut its losses at 80 or even 75?” whistled a front-tooth warrior from Montreal.
The familiar cap logo CR will soon be QG with fleur de lis in place. The former Colorado Rockies will now be known as Quebec Grand-peres after a popular Quebecois dessert.
“What are we going to do for a goalie?” Asked one Rockies’ outfielder. We have one of the best catchers in the league in Hunter Goodman. While many of our younger players look forward to slamming others into the boards we must learn to play the full three quarters from face-off to final.”
Meanwhile the new ownership has undressed concerns of players and fans. Will skates or spikes dominate the locker room floors? Will the team pull the infield in to prevent a power play? How would extra innings be handled? Just how hard is it to complete a hit-and-run in French? How might sliding into second on thin ice affect one’s penalty minutes?
As expected, skating lessons will replace batting practice and high sticking is now encouraged, delegated to aggressive performance at the plate. Catcher’s chest protectors, chewing sunflower seeds, sliding into the net, stealing bases, off-sides, blue lines, penalty boxes, dugouts, foul balls and bases on balls will be prioritized, provisioned, often hand-fed to the Canadian fan base.
“Due to the success and popularity of our Toronto Blue Jays we have educated followers and a savvy throng of enthusiasts up here,” said another hockey puck collector from Laval.
Over on Blake Street, Coors Field will be demolished and quickly replaced by rough and ready apartment houses that look like old warehouses and industrial depots ——- like Denver’s good old days before the Lo-Do hype.
“We Canadians will never forget that you stole our team and look forward to meeting these high altitude interlopers on the ice real soon,” spat an anxious Nordiques supporter who said he felt betrayed and predicted that the first Avalanche squad to play here would get an icy response.
-Fred Zeppelin
(t)rumpclips
Pinocchio Law Back on Book
The United States Senate has enacted the long-ignored and aberrant Pinocchio Law in response to “mistruths and exaggerations common to the current administration”. Falling short of calling the misleading statements and unfounded accusations lies, the legislative body said the law as exhumed so as to “hold unnamed persons accountable for declarations and to discourage disruption, hoodwinking and falsification on matters imperative in governance”. Whether any of this will alleviate future problems will depend greatly on the intelligence level of the American public.
Homeland Security falls short on apology for attack on Royal Caribbean
Official White House position statement:
re: Attack on Cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.
“Clearly terrorists aboard/pirates and maybe Democrats too.”
The federal agency appears to be having trouble admitting collateral damage had occurred among the large, credit card gringos playing shuffleboard and eating five meals per day. “We do not know anything about this,” dismissed a White House spokesperson.
Dems Force GOP concessions on ICE
1. ICE will no longer play Richard Wagner compositions to cover mysterious whistle sounds.
2. MAGA Republicans will wear red underwear to work so they are more easily recognized for what they may be.
The short meeting was called to order and terminated before any one could determine the coordinates of the location and detain offending participants who hate America..
***Vance pushes, poses with new trump products New this spring: Trumpathy like empathy only bigger and better. When it seems like empathy but it’s not, it’s Trumpathy says the catchy jingle. Former allies are said to be appalled by the shameless mercantilism encouraged by a sitting President.
Make America Go Away caps in Greenland selling far better than MAGA religious relics in the Bible Belt. Why does this madman want colonies in the 21st Century? They are not cost effective Don.
Vatican on edge as Pope threatens to ex-communicate Vice President J.D. Vance.
“Why couldn’t he have stayed a Pentecostal like good hillbillies.” said one Cardinal from his perch at the Vatican. “His anger and lack or tolerance makes my hair stand on end, and speaking of hair, Orange Don remains in seclusion reportedly growing a Stalinesque mustache. “It will be big and beautiful” Meanwhile Trumps boxers and his ideas about the economy were called highly inelastic by leading economists.
Magabuse approved by FDA
Despite GOP recusals the antidote Megabuse is gaining fans nationwide
The experimental antidote for MAGA does not effectively embrace the prevention ignorance, racism, violence and xenophobia but it’s a start.
Despite a possible risk factor (about the same as spending an hour with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)
Liar’s bench, gold panning, petroleum exhibit to grace South Lawn.
A highly anticipated White House World Wrestling Review may premier at shuttered trump-Kennedy center to make room for gala 250-year anniversary celebrations elsewhere.
In a related development many Proud Boys and will serve as temporary prosecutors at DOJ** (Don’s Optional Justice) due to problems recruiting new lawyers to such a dirty career.
*****
Child: But mommy where does all the money go that trumpies have kept from health care, childcare, federal worker’s salaries Nato, Ukraine, and tariffs?
Mother: Well sweetie, they spend it on bombs and keep the change for themselves as the federal debt soars out of control. So much for conservative values.
Ropas Sucias (Leftovers)
MATH 611:
How many kids that go hungry in these US would it take to build trump’s arch? How many of the Trump minions would fit into his bomb-proof bunker. How many times did Trump’s father say I love you to Donald?
Terrorists call terrorists terrorists
Pointing the finger has never been more popular in world circles as was painfully clear today.
Congratulations Antifa: Anti-Fascist group recently awarded domestic terror designation by the American shadow gov’ment.
Tips to be worldly # 611: Never eat borscht in Russian when the dictators’ last name ends in an n.
New video games doing well . “Ballistic Dart” game sales up 45% with “Hit Vladimir’s Houses”and “Hit Bibi’s Bathroom” holding on as bullseyes, shredding all previous records for political action videos.
Is trump, the reincarnation of Paraguayan leader Francisco Solano López? Solano’s diary (illegally confiscated from library) was diwcovered by Kurdish carpenters in an unfinished White House bunker next to the only book in the place, Mein Kamph. He won’t need a GPS to find the gates of hell.
Apology: Gray whales not gay whales are visiting San Francisco Bay in great numbers this spring.
Looks like former U.S. Attorney General, Pam Bondo wasn’t really the glue that held the trump card together. When she uttered “You should apologize to President Trump – was she speaking rhetorically? Did she actually say “What was not to like, under the bus”?
Win three rounds in the ring with White House
Deputy Chief of staff Steven Miller
Just answer a few simple questions
on our Enough is Enough Survey
1. Correctly guess the most likely source of Tom Homan’s next bribe. Location? Amount?
2. Where do former ICE agents go for fun?
3. Who is the next Administration official to be fired by the Orange Donald?
4. Why do the majority of MAGA lovers not know the definition of dystopia?
Boner Question: Who will pay for the bad blood created by Donald Trump? Will other countries ever forgive us?
Correction: We wrote that a Texas university will no longer teach Plano when it was supposed to read Texas university will no longer teach Plato. Sorry for the oversight.
– compiled by Susie Compost
TV Dinners Preserved in Idarado Tunnels
(Red Mountain) Skeleton crews monitoring activity underground have discovered a large cache of TV dinners stored far below the rocky surface here. Stashed in the mine’s miles of tunnels, the self-contained fare is believed to have been left their by retreating workers when the mine closed down in 1978.
“Although not particularly astounding, the find indicates that TV dinners might survive for years even centuries in a controlled environment,” said Marcia Mollyore, head of Gentle Geology, a local firm. “Prior to this disclosure we thought Velveta cheese and Spam were the most sustainable substances yet invented. The importance herein is the alteration in thinking, the modification of philosophies on the classic shelf lives of what we consume.”
Despite the discovery Mollyore confirmed that she would continue embracing a strict diet of chicken livers, red lettuce and diet soda in hopes of achieving immortality.
“What may be important now is the glimpse of eating habits that this has afforded us. With a little luck we can put together another piece of the puzzle as to preferred foods of the 20th Century.”
Mollyore went on to explain that geologists had grown to accept that miners carried pie cans filled with sandwiches and hardboiled eggs and drank black coffee. Mounds of carefully chronicled statistics on the subject will have to be destroyed she said so as to make room for new data.
“Our thinking has been wrong…wrong…wrong!” explained a now visibly upset Mollyore. “How could we have been so stupid with the truth lurking at our fingertips, just below ground all this time!”
Further snooping has begun to indicate that miners may have had primitive heating methodology as well as access to a wide selection of tools as well as random television reception in narrow shafts and doghouses way down below.
– Gabby Haze
7,000 pound yellow carp pulled from Blue Mesa
(Iola) A massive yellow carp was hauled in by local man, Melvin Testline Toole, Saturday. The exotic garbage fish weighed in at just over 7,000 pounds making it the largest fish ever caught in the free world. Toole was quickly surrounded by an adoring public and is expected to be offered lucrative endorsement contracts due to his feat.
“Hell, it ain’t nothin’,” spat the angler when interviewed by The Horseshoe. “Just look at the diminished water level in the lake without this baby swimming around in there. Carp tastes like carp. I’d throw the damn thing back but I’m afraid the sudden surge in the water level would wash out the dam and flood Delta!”
-Tommy Middlefinger
