RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Bad Writers Thriving on Mindless Internet

Bad Writers Thriving on Mindless Internet

Sadly, sparse conditions remain at an unidentified tropical writer’s detention camp somewhere in South America. Despite expended markets on the internet these scribes often cannot make ends meet. They generally end up in places like this awaiting traial or sentencing. Most are forgotten. 

Bottle Shoot Canned

(Lake City) The popular wine bottle shoot, traditionally held the day following the Lake City Wine and Music Festival will not take place this year due to concerns that it conflicts with the image of clean living and gourmet wine tasting. For the past three years the apres-festival target practice has entertained clean-up crews and titillated the general public.

“We’re not saying we won’t hold the event we’re just saying we won’t hold it on the day after our festival,” said promoters. “Most likely we’ll just save all the bottles and shoot them at the annual Hunter’s Ball in the autumn.”

Concerns that a massive target practice in Town Park is not in keeping with the image of a legitimate wine event, organizers have sought to distance themselves from what is seen as barbarian in some circles.

“Most of our friends turn out for the shoot and we feel it might be in the interest of the festival to distance ourselves from them too,” the principles went on.

“A lot of us are pretty darned disappointed in the cancellation,” said one Spar City marksman, “but we’ll get over it over time.”  

– Merv Ditchwater 

(editor’s comment: The creatrors of this website have no information on whether or not this event is still slated and why. There is questionble value and quite possibly minimal truth in the above news piece. We just liked the headline.)

Cigar Smoking Not Hobby

(Moline) The practice or habit of cigar smoking does not deserve hobby status according to the North American Diversion Consortium and marginal Entertainment here. The committee, manned by people with nothing else to do all day, reversed a previous decision made back in March and reported by this newspaper.

During an emotionally charged meeting several proponents of cigar smoking lit up and then stormed out of the hall.

The final vote of 5-0 refused to recognize cigar smoking as a legitimate hobby. In further action the group did a crisp about-face on the status of stamp collecting which was deemed immoral almost three months ago as well. Butterfly mounting was not discussed leading experts to conclude that that some hobbies remain sacred in the face of creeping political correctiveness.

“There is nothing obscene about placing stamps in a scrapbook and then forgetting about them,” said the group. “The problems begin with constant vigils over stamp books and the very way some collectors acquire their goods.”

As expected the announcement skirted comment on the use of airplane glue in close quarters and the raising of dangerous herbs. A harsh response on the part of cigar chompers and the National Brotherhood of Humidors is not expected.

-Pepper Salte

STRANGER THAN THE HORSESHOE

This month’s Man of the Hour is none other than Frank “Hard Rock” Gimlett, who spent the majority of his adult life guarding the ice and snow up on Monarch Pass. The last remaining resident  of the all but deserted mining camp of Arbour-Villa, Gimlett could be seen patrolling the region on a daily basis atop his sure-footed mule, which legend has it he named after Queen Victoria.   

In addition to preserving the sacred ice and snow stash at 12,000 feet Gimlett went about the work of renaming most local peaks after the movie starlets of the Forties. Grable, Lombard, Bogart, and O’Sullivan Peaks still stand today as testimony to his creative dedication. 

Claiming that not so much as a snowball was ever stolen during his tenure, he had methodically forwarded an annual bill to the federal government in the sum of $50,000 for his services.

Pepper Salte

Commuters Camp Bird Mine to Ouray 1886

Commuters Camp Bird Mine to Ouray 1886

Commuting from Camop Bird Mine to the town of Ouray in the late 1880s

POLICE REPORT

Gunnison police units arrested Enselmo DesPlants, 88, in connection with the theft of a case of “hot” generic picante sauce from a local grocery. The elderly felon was placed in Gunnison County Jail for his own protection. He told officers that he was desperate and that he had been living on dog food and onions since last Cattlemen’s Days. He reportedly absconded with the picante sauce so as to spice up his otherwise drab lifestyle. He will be placed on work release as soon as he comes up with the $45 per day fee.

Zorro DesPlants, a noted Olympic bagpipe artist, was detained early Friday morning suspected of painting mustaches on political billboards throughout Hinsdale County. After 20 minutes of interrogation DesPlants was released on the advice of the arresting officer who felt that the suspect did not have artistic ability enough to have committed the said crime.

Amanda DesPlants was picked up by Montrose County authorities and charged with littering the parking lot at the former Louisiana-Pacific waferboard plant near Olathe. Upon further investigation police discovered a pickup full of organic vegetables allegedly bound for the same location. DesPlants was fined and released after promising never to set foot on the property again. She has vowed to blow up the facility on the 4th of July.

Ruthie Roosterson, (formerly Ruthie DesPlants) was hauled into San Juan County Court Tuesday and charged with over 60 dog-at-large violations. Upon further investigation it was confirmed that the “dog-at-large” was none other than Efram, Roosterson’s foul-mouthed son. The case was dismissed on the grounds that Efram had not done any real damage. He will undergo a series of shots tomorrow as well as a battery of intelligence tests aimed at verifying his exact species.

Police followed up on an anonymous tip and arrived at 21 Bleu Cheese Parkway in Placerville Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily at work on his home computer. Officials at the Tri-State Electric Co-op in Montrose may press charges in connection with alleged transferal of bank funds from Tri-State to the 15-year-old boy’s account in Norwood. While in the home, officers repeatedly broke up fist fights between the boy’s parents Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that had apparently started over what television show the family would view next Wednesday night.

Muriel DesPlants of Silverton was fined $25 for entering a hot tub fully clothed. Charged with trespass, general menacing and public nuisance raps, DesPlants has threatened to move her trailer to “the more civilized environs of Hermosa.” More than 80 Silverton residents showed up bright and early the next morning to help her move.

Montrose police nabbed Anwar DesPlants, accusing him of engaging in Peeping Tom activities at Anciano Towers, off West Main Street. DesPlants insists that he was actually looking out of the tall apartment complex when the arrest occurred.

Compiled by Julianne Pettifogger