All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter

(Lake Ontario) Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates in the next few years should be aware of  imperfections ever there said Rev. Price Bullwhistle at a meeting of The Privileged Christians here.

The group is meeting again this morning to decide on how to eliminate political foes and to execute a mandate requiring forced adherence to its moral statutes in the region.

Yesterday Rev. Bullwhistle blamed a number of non-christians and underprivileged ethnic groups for the state of affairs in the Great Beyond. He assured the faithful that if the tow the line these inconveniences as well as their associated groups would be eliminate. Quoting from the Book of Moammar, the proverbial Bad Angel, Bullwhistle noted several of the more serious shortages:

1. Fuel is in short supply up there. Myths about 29 cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more.

2. Fast food outlets are on the brink of collapse due to a return to good health practices by the populace. Shortages of lettuce and ketchup have pushed the situation into the emergency corner.

3. Moses does not drive a red Cadillac anymore but has opted for a Toyota wagon.

4.Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are a quarter in most places if you can find one that works at all. A phone call from heaven to say, Purgatory often costs up to $1.50 for three minutes and the price is expected to go up again this fall.

5. Lift tickets are not still $10 at major ski areas but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world as well.

Bullwhistle went on to tell the faithful of other myths associated with eternal living. His biggest concern seemed to be of a political nature.

“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag draped pulpit. “He was never elected Governor of California in paradise either.”

According to Bullwhistle the black and white film of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not and never has showed Adolph Hitler shaking hands repeatedly with Jesse Owens either. Hitler, now residing “on the other side of the tracks” as it were, is a  popular after dinner speaker in there netting in the neighborhood of 120,000 induls (from indulgences) heaven’s main form of currency.

Socially Bullwhistle warned of such common myths as “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I want” and “Forget about personal hygiene- I’m a spirit now and no one can smell me anyway.

“Imagine if you will,”  offered Bullwhistle, “a slow moving elevator crammed with the fat and righteous who haven’t been investing in deodorant or tooth paste. Hell may indeed have its fury but we would have smelled heaven’s wrath,” he wailed.

The Reverend continued by verifying rumors that the New York Times Book Review was available in the hereafter and that 138,000 heavenians were injured by falling through clouds in 2017 alone. He concluded on a disheartening note, however, telling the assembled multitude that time spent judging their neighbor while on earth did not transfer into graduate credits up there.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

“The initial American strategy failed, the war with Iran is consuming the entire region, Iran and Ukraine are risking a face-off, there is evidence that both Russia and China are escalating their military commitments, American munitions stocks are dwindling and Trump is raging.  – David French, New York Times

Is this building trust in th Mideast?

BETRAYAL OF THE KURDS AT EVERY CORNER.

Why would any group in the Mideast (minus the Israelis) still trust the United States?  Iraqi Shiites vs Saddam Hussein? Afganistan allies? and of course the Kurds. The potentisl for lasting damage quickly accelerates with the a grotesque bully at the helm.

History/Calendar of the US screwing the Kurds

• 1975 – The Kissinger Betrayal:Following encouragement to fight against Baghdad, the U.S. cut off funding to Iraqi Kurds, leaving them to face brutal reprisals from Saddam Hussein.
• 1991 – Post-Gulf War:After calling on the Kurds to rise up against Saddam Hussein, the U.S. stood by as loyalist forces slaughtered thousands of civilians.
• 2017 – Independence Referendum:The U.S. failed to support the Kurdistan Regional Government (KRG) following their 93% vote for independence, allowing Iraqi forces to seize control of disputed areas like Kirkuk.
• 2019 – Syria Withdrawal:The Trump administration announced a withdrawal of U.S. troops from northeastern Syria, allowing a Turkish military offensive against Kurdish fighters who had previously helped the U.S. defeat ISIS.
• The Intercept
+7

Despite these recurring betrayals, the U.S. has occasionally provided crucial support, such as setting up the “no-fly zone” and Operation Provide Comfort to protect Iraqi Kurds in the 1990s. However, the general pattern remains that the Kurds are viewed by the U.S. as convenient, expendable allies rather than long-term partners.

If you are “just sick” of hearing about the US being blamed for so many evils contact your Congressman (Buena suerte con este).

-Lovey Chicharron

Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives Bachelors to Despair

(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a nightmare for police and social services. The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around the fire contemplating their tragic status.

     “The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way house for recovering male romantics on Red Mountain. “Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged society and often turn to crime to avert starvation.”

     Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum (Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol are rampant and especially destructive in the younger population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing between them and a certain, lonely demise.

     “It’s sadder than the mug on Bernie Sanders  during fantasy budget negotiations with Donald Trump,” said Valentine.

     Overtures are already in motion urging large groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even calling for the complete relocation of women so as to attain their lofty goals.

     A complicated rating system that couples males and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch festivities designed to create dialogue and potential matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must be eligible too or the system will cave in under it’s own weight.

     “Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,” said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”

     Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning should send photos and information to Social Director, Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid Mine, Colorado.

– Uncle Pahgre

Weather Girl Talked Down

(Gunnison) A tragedy was narrowly averted this morning when a local weather gal was talked out of jumping from a nearby radio tower. According to authorities on the scene the meteorological storm trooper was distraught due to industry jobs moving to Mexico.

     Over the past months more than 2000 weather-related positions have been sent south of the border where corporations can get a lot more talk for a lot less pesos. The trend appears to be here to stay as corporate thinkers take advantage of the misfortunes of poor Mexicans while “screwing the unions a good one” according to job brokers neck-deep on the Rio Grande.

     The broadcaster, whose name was not released, has been high above the town since finding out her job had been terminated last week. The NAFTA Treaty, which allows for the import of U.S. industry, has relaxed restrictions on companies who desire to relocate within North America. What this country receives in return was not clear. Even tequila prices are up.

     “It’s not that we have better weather access down here in Juarez, it’s just that it’s far more cost effective to hire talking heads here to compete for effective audiences in Tucson or El Paso,” explained a spokesman for the weather industry. “Who ever said we had to be in Milwaukee to report the weather there. We have satellites. We have cameras. We have drones. We have increased profits.”

     The weather will be hauled down across the Sonoran Dessert by a fleet of trucks already registered in Mexico.  

– Uncle Pahgre

(t)rumpclips

Pinocchio Law Back on Book

The United States Senate has enacted the long-ignored and aberrant Pinocchio Law in response to “mistruths and exaggerations common to the current administration”. Falling short of calling the misleading statements and unfounded accusations lies, the legislative body said the law as exhumed so as to “hold unnamed persons accountable for declarations and to discourage disruption, hoodwinking and falsification on matters imperative in governance”. Whether any of this will alleviate future problems will depend greatly on the intelligence level of the American public.

Homeland Security falls short on apology for attack on Royal Caribbean

Official White House position statement:

re: Attack on Cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.

“Clearly terrorists aboard/pirates and maybe Democrats too.”

The federal agency appears to be having trouble admitting collateral damage had occurred among the large, credit card gringos playing shuffleboard and eating five meals per day. “We do not know anything about this,” dismissed a White House spokesperson.

Dems Force GOP concessions on ICE

1. ICE will no longer play Richard Wagner compositions to cover mysterious whistle sounds.

2. MAGA Republicans will wear red underwear to work so they are more easily recognized for what they may be.

The short meeting was called to order and terminated before any one could determine the coordinates of the location and detain offending participants who hate America..

***Vance pushes, poses with new trump products New this spring: Trumpathy like empathy only bigger and better. When it seems like empathy but it’s not, it’s Trumpathy says the catchy jingle. Former allies are said to be appalled by the shameless mercantilism encouraged by a sitting President.

Make America Go Away caps in Greenland selling far better than MAGA religious relics in the Bible Belt. Why does this madman want colonies in the 21st Century? They are not cost effective Don.

Vatican on edge as Pope threatens to ex-communicate Vice President J.D. Vance.

“Why couldn’t he have stayed a Pentecostal like good hillbillies.” said one Cardinal from his perch at the Vatican. “His anger and lack or tolerance makes my hair stand on end, and speaking of hair, Orange Don remains in seclusion reportedly growing a Stalinesque mustache. “It will be big and beautiful”  Meanwhile Trumps boxers and his ideas about the economy were called highly inelastic by leading economists.

Magabuse approved by FDA

Despite GOP recusals the antidote Megabuse is gaining fans nationwide

The experimental antidote for MAGA does not effectively embrace the prevention ignorance, racism, violence and xenophobia but it’s a start.

Despite a possible risk factor (about the same as spending an hour with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)

Liar’s bench, gold panning, petroleum  exhibit to grace South Lawn.

A highly anticipated White House World Wrestling Review may premier at shuttered trump-Kennedy center to make room for gala 250-year anniversary celebrations elsewhere.

In a related development many Proud Boys and  will serve as temporary prosecutors at DOJ** (Don’s Optional Justice) due to problems recruiting new lawyers to such a dirty career.

*****

Child: But mommy where does all the money go that trumpies have kept from health care, childcare, federal worker’s salaries Nato, Ukraine, and tariffs?

Mother: Well sweetie, they spend it on bombs and keep the change for themselves as the federal debt soars out of control. So much for conservative values.

Hell Bans Smoking

   One of the last vestiges of puffing has gone by the wayside today as Hell announced a moratorium on tobacco smoking slated to begin in September. After that date anyone caught smoking will be subject to further disciplinary actions, beyond the daily tortures and deprivations common to the place.

     Unlike most spots on earth there is nowhere to step out for a smoke near the confines of Hell. Cigarettes, easy enough to find there, had crept up to $20 per pack on the Black Market in Hades. According to unreliable sources, pit demons felt that workers were abusing smoke breaks and taking too much time to get back to hard labor details costing them money.

     Hell wasn’t so bad before,” said one condemned man. “Every Tuesday was poker night even though we don’t have cards or chips down here. Friday was martini night even though we don’t have gin or ice. At least we had cigarettes.”

     Smoking, thought to have been tolerated beyond these fiery gates for millenniums, was recorded by Dante during his legendary visit to hell in the Middle Ages. Sinners stuck in the place tell of smoking tobacco in seances. Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, a regular visitor to hell during the Iraq War, said the place smelled like a bar room after a prairie fire. He observed that “everyone was smoking, some of them two and three cigarettes at a time”.

     The decision comes as a shock to most hellions who considered smoking a sacred right in the land of fire and brimstone.

     “I just never expected this sizzling dump to embrace political correctness,” said the condemned source.

     The decision was purely mercantile. The bad angels that run hell don’t care about health and general welfare. They are simply under continued pressure from resident insurance industry lobbyists who insist that their industry is losing money on insurance claims related to smoking. Hell’s new seat belt laws originate from the same bent morality cruises.

     I guess we’ll all have to put up or shut up,” cried one angry woman who says she still has cartons of Marlboros stashed.

     “I just can’t imagine going through eternity without a cigarette,” she said.

– Gabby Haze