All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Is this building trust in th Mideast?

BETRAYAL OF THE KURDS AT EVERY CORNER.

Why would any group in the Mideast (minus the Israelis) still trust the United States?  Iraqi Shiites vs Saddam Hussein? Afganistan allies? and of course the Kurds. The potentisl for lasting damage quickly accelerates with the a grotesque bully at the helm.

History/Calendar of the US screwing the Kurds

• 1975 – The Kissinger Betrayal:Following encouragement to fight against Baghdad, the U.S. cut off funding to Iraqi Kurds, leaving them to face brutal reprisals from Saddam Hussein.
• 1991 – Post-Gulf War:After calling on the Kurds to rise up against Saddam Hussein, the U.S. stood by as loyalist forces slaughtered thousands of civilians.
• 2017 – Independence Referendum:The U.S. failed to support the Kurdistan Regional Government (KRG) following their 93% vote for independence, allowing Iraqi forces to seize control of disputed areas like Kirkuk.
• 2019 – Syria Withdrawal:The Trump administration announced a withdrawal of U.S. troops from northeastern Syria, allowing a Turkish military offensive against Kurdish fighters who had previously helped the U.S. defeat ISIS.
• The Intercept
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Despite these recurring betrayals, the U.S. has occasionally provided crucial support, such as setting up the “no-fly zone” and Operation Provide Comfort to protect Iraqi Kurds in the 1990s. However, the general pattern remains that the Kurds are viewed by the U.S. as convenient, expendable allies rather than long-term partners.

If you are “just sick” of hearing about the US being blamed for so many evils contact your Congressman (Buena suerte con este).

-Lovey Chicharron

Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives Bachelors to Despair

(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a nightmare for police and social services. The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around the fire contemplating their tragic status.

     “The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way house for recovering male romantics on Red Mountain. “Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged society and often turn to crime to avert starvation.”

     Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum (Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol are rampant and especially destructive in the younger population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing between them and a certain, lonely demise.

     “It’s sadder than the mug on Bernie Sanders  during fantasy budget negotiations with Donald Trump,” said Valentine.

     Overtures are already in motion urging large groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even calling for the complete relocation of women so as to attain their lofty goals.

     A complicated rating system that couples males and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch festivities designed to create dialogue and potential matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must be eligible too or the system will cave in under it’s own weight.

     “Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,” said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”

     Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning should send photos and information to Social Director, Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid Mine, Colorado.

– Uncle Pahgre

Weather Girl Talked Down

(Gunnison) A tragedy was narrowly averted this morning when a local weather gal was talked out of jumping from a nearby radio tower. According to authorities on the scene the meteorological storm trooper was distraught due to industry jobs moving to Mexico.

     Over the past months more than 2000 weather-related positions have been sent south of the border where corporations can get a lot more talk for a lot less pesos. The trend appears to be here to stay as corporate thinkers take advantage of the misfortunes of poor Mexicans while “screwing the unions a good one” according to job brokers neck-deep on the Rio Grande.

     The broadcaster, whose name was not released, has been high above the town since finding out her job had been terminated last week. The NAFTA Treaty, which allows for the import of U.S. industry, has relaxed restrictions on companies who desire to relocate within North America. What this country receives in return was not clear. Even tequila prices are up.

     “It’s not that we have better weather access down here in Juarez, it’s just that it’s far more cost effective to hire talking heads here to compete for effective audiences in Tucson or El Paso,” explained a spokesman for the weather industry. “Who ever said we had to be in Milwaukee to report the weather there. We have satellites. We have cameras. We have drones. We have increased profits.”

     The weather will be hauled down across the Sonoran Dessert by a fleet of trucks already registered in Mexico.  

– Uncle Pahgre

(t)rumpclips

Pinocchio Law Back on Book

The United States Senate has enacted the long-ignored and aberrant Pinocchio Law in response to “mistruths and exaggerations common to the current administration”. Falling short of calling the misleading statements and unfounded accusations lies, the legislative body said the law as exhumed so as to “hold unnamed persons accountable for declarations and to discourage disruption, hoodwinking and falsification on matters imperative in governance”. Whether any of this will alleviate future problems will depend greatly on the intelligence level of the American public.

Homeland Security falls short on apology for attack on Royal Caribbean

Official White House position statement:

re: Attack on Cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.

“Clearly terrorists aboard/pirates and maybe Democrats too.”

The federal agency appears to be having trouble admitting collateral damage had occurred among the large, credit card gringos playing shuffleboard and eating five meals per day. “We do not know anything about this,” dismissed a White House spokesperson.

Dems Force GOP concessions on ICE

1. ICE will no longer play Richard Wagner compositions to cover mysterious whistle sounds.

2. MAGA Republicans will wear red underwear to work so they are more easily recognized for what they may be.

The short meeting was called to order and terminated before any one could determine the coordinates of the location and detain offending participants who hate America..

***Vance pushes, poses with new trump products New this spring: Trumpathy like empathy only bigger and better. When it seems like empathy but it’s not, it’s Trumpathy says the catchy jingle. Former allies are said to be appalled by the shameless mercantilism encouraged by a sitting President.

Make America Go Away caps in Greenland selling far better than MAGA religious relics in the Bible Belt. Why does this madman want colonies in the 21st Century? They are not cost effective Don.

Vatican on edge as Pope threatens to ex-communicate Vice President J.D. Vance.

“Why couldn’t he have stayed a Pentecostal like good hillbillies.” said one Cardinal from his perch at the Vatican. “His anger and lack or tolerance makes my hair stand on end, and speaking of hair, Orange Don remains in seclusion reportedly growing a Stalinesque mustache. “It will be big and beautiful”  Meanwhile Trumps boxers and his ideas about the economy were called highly inelastic by leading economists.

Magabuse approved by FDA

Despite GOP recusals the antidote Megabuse is gaining fans nationwide

The experimental antidote for MAGA does not effectively embrace the prevention ignorance, racism, violence and xenophobia but it’s a start.

Despite a possible risk factor (about the same as spending an hour with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)

Liar’s bench, gold panning, petroleum  exhibit to grace South Lawn.

A highly anticipated White House World Wrestling Review may premier at shuttered trump-Kennedy center to make room for gala 250-year anniversary celebrations elsewhere.

In a related development many Proud Boys and  will serve as temporary prosecutors at DOJ** (Don’s Optional Justice) due to problems recruiting new lawyers to such a dirty career.

*****

Child: But mommy where does all the money go that trumpies have kept from health care, childcare, federal worker’s salaries Nato, Ukraine, and tariffs?

Mother: Well sweetie, they spend it on bombs and keep the change for themselves as the federal debt soars out of control. So much for conservative values.

Hell Bans Smoking

   One of the last vestiges of puffing has gone by the wayside today as Hell announced a moratorium on tobacco smoking slated to begin in September. After that date anyone caught smoking will be subject to further disciplinary actions, beyond the daily tortures and deprivations common to the place.

     Unlike most spots on earth there is nowhere to step out for a smoke near the confines of Hell. Cigarettes, easy enough to find there, had crept up to $20 per pack on the Black Market in Hades. According to unreliable sources, pit demons felt that workers were abusing smoke breaks and taking too much time to get back to hard labor details costing them money.

     Hell wasn’t so bad before,” said one condemned man. “Every Tuesday was poker night even though we don’t have cards or chips down here. Friday was martini night even though we don’t have gin or ice. At least we had cigarettes.”

     Smoking, thought to have been tolerated beyond these fiery gates for millenniums, was recorded by Dante during his legendary visit to hell in the Middle Ages. Sinners stuck in the place tell of smoking tobacco in seances. Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, a regular visitor to hell during the Iraq War, said the place smelled like a bar room after a prairie fire. He observed that “everyone was smoking, some of them two and three cigarettes at a time”.

     The decision comes as a shock to most hellions who considered smoking a sacred right in the land of fire and brimstone.

     “I just never expected this sizzling dump to embrace political correctness,” said the condemned source.

     The decision was purely mercantile. The bad angels that run hell don’t care about health and general welfare. They are simply under continued pressure from resident insurance industry lobbyists who insist that their industry is losing money on insurance claims related to smoking. Hell’s new seat belt laws originate from the same bent morality cruises.

     I guess we’ll all have to put up or shut up,” cried one angry woman who says she still has cartons of Marlboros stashed.

     “I just can’t imagine going through eternity without a cigarette,” she said.

– Gabby Haze

Quickie Spring Tips

with Muffy Hollandaise

Brew sun vodka for chilly spring eves

     On sunny days while you’re out fighting the wind or poaching whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’re brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).

Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail waggers

     Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of early termination of the work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and dog hair.

Keeping cold air out

     If you are trying to maintain a warm house during an iffy spring season remember: Continue to keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.