RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Commuters Camp Bird Mine to Ouray 1886

Commuters Camp Bird Mine to Ouray 1886

Commuting from Camop Bird Mine to the town of Ouray in the late 1880s

POLICE REPORT

Gunnison police units arrested Enselmo DesPlants, 88, in connection with the theft of a case of “hot” generic picante sauce from a local grocery. The elderly felon was placed in Gunnison County Jail for his own protection. He told officers that he was desperate and that he had been living on dog food and onions since last Cattlemen’s Days. He reportedly absconded with the picante sauce so as to spice up his otherwise drab lifestyle. He will be placed on work release as soon as he comes up with the $45 per day fee.

Zorro DesPlants, a noted Olympic bagpipe artist, was detained early Friday morning suspected of painting mustaches on political billboards throughout Hinsdale County. After 20 minutes of interrogation DesPlants was released on the advice of the arresting officer who felt that the suspect did not have artistic ability enough to have committed the said crime.

Amanda DesPlants was picked up by Montrose County authorities and charged with littering the parking lot at the former Louisiana-Pacific waferboard plant near Olathe. Upon further investigation police discovered a pickup full of organic vegetables allegedly bound for the same location. DesPlants was fined and released after promising never to set foot on the property again. She has vowed to blow up the facility on the 4th of July.

Ruthie Roosterson, (formerly Ruthie DesPlants) was hauled into San Juan County Court Tuesday and charged with over 60 dog-at-large violations. Upon further investigation it was confirmed that the “dog-at-large” was none other than Efram, Roosterson’s foul-mouthed son. The case was dismissed on the grounds that Efram had not done any real damage. He will undergo a series of shots tomorrow as well as a battery of intelligence tests aimed at verifying his exact species.

Police followed up on an anonymous tip and arrived at 21 Bleu Cheese Parkway in Placerville Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily at work on his home computer. Officials at the Tri-State Electric Co-op in Montrose may press charges in connection with alleged transferal of bank funds from Tri-State to the 15-year-old boy’s account in Norwood. While in the home, officers repeatedly broke up fist fights between the boy’s parents Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that had apparently started over what television show the family would view next Wednesday night.

Muriel DesPlants of Silverton was fined $25 for entering a hot tub fully clothed. Charged with trespass, general menacing and public nuisance raps, DesPlants has threatened to move her trailer to “the more civilized environs of Hermosa.” More than 80 Silverton residents showed up bright and early the next morning to help her move.

Montrose police nabbed Anwar DesPlants, accusing him of engaging in Peeping Tom activities at Anciano Towers, off West Main Street. DesPlants insists that he was actually looking out of the tall apartment complex when the arrest occurred.

Compiled by Julianne Pettifogger

                                        

The Sporting Life

with Botsie 

Sunday was the first day of spring, captains, and last week I found my first dandelion green on a south-facing slope, so it is time for my yearly column about a dandelion salad. It is not exactly the dandelion season here yet; the best time to dig for dandelions is when the robin starts to dig for worms. But since spring is coming to most of the readers sooner than it comes to Crested Butte, I will do this column now so you readers can get dandelions when they are at their young best.

What you want to get is the real young dandelion greens — almost before they are really green. The best eating dandelions are the little reddish-green or whitefish shoots that you see grow where the snow has just melted from off the ground.

Later on, when the snows are all gone and the dandelions seem to mostly be old dandelions, go to the fields and pastures, and look on the mounds by the gopher holes; there you will usually find little shoots.

Take a knife for getting the greens, make sure you go beneath the soil to get the whole green, as the part just above the roots is the tender part.

When you have got a box or a pan full of dandelion greens, take them home and wash them good to get all the grit off them. Then let them sit overnight if possible in a pan of cold water, to crisp them up. You can treat them just about like lettuce, keep them in your refrigerator crisper if you want.

You eat them just like you would eat an endive lettuce too. I like to salt them real good, and mix them with oil and vinegar, when I want a good fast salad.

If I have a little more time, I make up this special bacon-grease salad dressing. To make it, you cut up a piece of slab bacon into tiny chunks; then you put them in a pan, along with some Mazola-type oil, and let them simmer until the chunks are crisp. Then you take the pan off the stove to cool it off. As soon as it is cool enough so the vinegar does not splatter if it hits the grease, add wine vinegar to suit your taste. Then put the pan back on the stove to keep it warm. When you are ready to serve the salad, pour the bacon grease dressing over the dandelion greens. This is a hard-to-beat salad, captains; I guarantee you will like it with fish and potatoes, or maybe a steak.

Keep the dandelion recipes in mind; this kind of a salad is especially handy if you are going on a camping trip. There is no need to pack along lettuce with the good Lord providing dandelions at every gopher hole or snow bank. But it is also nice even if you are just at home—when you go out to weed the lawn the next time, save the dandelions, and you will have two jobs done at once.

(Our good friend Rudolph Spritzer passed on a few years back but we still communicate almost on a daily basis. This is one of his best columns written in 1974)

Drywall Museum Gets Nod

(Montrose) A workingman’s museum to honor the region’s dry-wallers has gotten the nod from County Commissioners and will now be returned to the mayor’s desk a final go-ahead signature. 

According to civic sources two of the three current County Commissioners fell asleep during the hearings with the remaining commissioner, a former building inspector, abstaining due to conflict of interest. The measure passed nevertheless and the innovative site moved that much closer to a reality.

The cost of the construction is estimated to be in the $500,000 range. When completed it is expected that over 14 tourists per day will tour the facility.

– Gabby Haze

Hemorrhoids Go With Territory For Talking Heads

(Denver) TV news and sports broadcasters are plagued by the highest incidence of hemorrhoids in the nation. Experts say the cause is obvious, yet few (besides former athletes) have taken to reading the news while standing up.

Besides all the sitting, sports announcers specifically suffer from a condition known within medical circles as anal-hype, a malady that surfaces after undue pressure is exerted on the sit-downer. The condition is further irritated by the constant attempts to embrace or sanction the sporting events at hand as meaningful. 

Ham-handed wimps come off as macho on the screen. Lumbering robots follow the long-established patterns of Red Barber, Howard Casual and Harry Caray.

Until a few years back doctors remained where the sun don’t shine as to associated symptoms. They didn’t verbal diarrhea to anal and therefore could not treat the duel condition. Up until last year analysts ignored the painful link between hemorrhoids and camera angles for instance.

“We were prescribing everything from anti-depressants to muscle relaxers and yet statistics relating to the chronic ailment skyrocketed, scorching the chart,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, of St. Roscoe’s Pneumatic Clinic here. “It’s like treating a fever as a separate entity from a cold. How stupid of us. Think of the money we lost.”

Many of these wounded blabbermouths are seeking less conventional means to solve this annoying, and yes, career threatening problem. Often labeled truck driver syndrome it is particularly ironic that more and more TV personalities are looking to the long haulers for help. 

At first we thought the sessions at the local truck drivers academy were ridiculous but then the results came out. 84% of the sufferers claimed substantial relief in about a month, most without surgery. The situation was at a crisis point, but success broke down apprehension and also created a lucrative income for the trucking industry.

The treatment is simple enough. When the afflicted arrives he is immediately gagged. Most of the time it is duct tape, but sometimes an old rag will do the trick. Second, the patient is shown absurd news footage (right from last night’s broadcast) and asked to give an appraisal of the delivery. Since they can’t talk they write it down. Then, in what appears to be the secret panacea, truck driver interns mess up the patron’s hair. It drives them nuts since it the only real link with credibility. 

“We realize that anger and despair will be the result of the hair ruffling but it’s absolutely necessary to cure the victim,” explained Slim Harahan, Executive Hemorrhoid Surgeon at Greater Gallup’s Wheel-In Trucker’s Paradise and Water Park. “We need to break them down to build them up. Very rarely do we have to perform tongue extractions.”

The happy ending goes something like this for most former sufferers: Most change jobs finding new careers in radio, where one can walk about the room while giving the news and sports. Others embrace government positions, some of the more seriously addicted flirt with recurring danger as taxi drivers and astronauts. 

– Melvin O’Toole 

25 years ago in the San Juan Horseshoe

O’Bannon’s Lowers Urinals For Wee

Hydraulics for the Mischievous Dwarves

(Telluride) For the tenth year running urinals here will be substantially lower by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. Although this ain’t the first rodeo for the unselfish plumbers and architects who have bravely taken on the gruesome task in years gone by this is the first year that the reconstruction will be conducted using state and federal funds.

“We wrote a grant proposal late one night last off-season and 90 days later got a check in the mail,” said Ray Prince, a veteran of many St Patrick’s Days and partner at the pub. “Along with the check were specifics as to the general construction and materials preferred. The feds like all their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access. We like to sell Guinness. Now, if Harry’s paper arrives on time that morning everyone will be happy.”

An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little foreigners who visit Telluride each year at about this time. 

“This tavern’s annual practice of lowering urinals so as to accommodate out-of-town visitors has gained a sort of international acclaim that can’t be bought. It gives the entire region a boost,” said the article.

“We just don’t want a lot of wee people peeing on their feet,” said a source.

For many years O’Bannon’s simply provided small stools for the leprechauns but other customers complained that they were far too easy to trip over. At the time it was common consensus that a trip to the bathroom was far more dangerous than skiing and therefore the bar relented.

The Latrine article continued: “The sensitive management of O’Bannon’s Pub has once again raised the seat when it comes to cordial relations, human or otherwise. This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of the little people begin arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Telluride has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”

   Uncle Pahgre