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Lonesome Louis

Arriving at the foot of the guillotine, Louis XVI looked for a moment at the instruments of his execution and asked Sanson why the drums had stopped beating. He came forward to speak, but there were shouts to the executioners to get on with their work. As he was strapped down, he exclaimed “My people, I die innocent!” Then, turning towards his executioners, Louis XVI declared “Gentlemen, I am innocent of everything of which I am accused. I hope that my blood may cement the good fortune of the French.” The blade fell. It was 10:22 am. One of the assistants of Sanson showed the head of Louis XVI to the people, whereupon a huge cry of “Vive la Nation! Vive la République!” arose and an artillery salute rang out which reached the ears of the imprisoned Royal family.

IDLE CU POSTS RARE ROAD WIN

(Boulder) The University of Colorado Golden Buffaloes, although home in bed with a good book, managed to sniff out an evasive road win this weekend over the a tough Cal Polygamy Deadbeat Father squad of the recently organized Indigent League. The victory, which looked out of the grasp of the CU offense, was snatched away by linebacker Omar Mohammed Ryecrust, a junior college transfer from Compton (CA).

“It was something,” said man-child coach Newt Nuhaisal-Sinus, of the Buffs, “even though we weren’t there we played a solid game.

“If we could figure out how to get on the right bus to Lincoln we might have a shot at the Nebraska Cornmuskies too,” quipped Nuhaisal-Sinus from his 17-story practice field observatory at Folsom Field. “The problem is that there are no turns, much less wrong turns from Boulder to Lincoln. Even our geography professors could drive that bus and they couldn’t find China in a pile of bamboo shoots.”

When asked about flying, Nuhaisal-Sinus replied that none of his recruits did illegal drugs.

Sources within the Big Ten told The Horseshoe that the phenomenon of an absentee road victory was really quite simple in that CU had led a charmed life for about a decade now.

“Even though they rarely beat that Big Red team they have fared well against just about everyone else,” said Red “Mercury” Malpractice, a retired referee now head of the body chemistry department at Our Lady of Aurora Community College in Commerce City. “They seem to sparkle even in those tacky black funeral uniforms with the gold trim”

Entry into the PAC-12 is not expected to affect future recruiting other than to make it more attractive. Most of the players in the 2021 class say they’d rather play Stanford than Oklahoma State.

Another spokesperson said the chalked up win could be explained mathematically.

“Remember the legendary fifth down play against Missouri a few years back?” asked Melvin Pig-Iron, a retired Pee Wee mastermind who claims to have coerced Terrell Davis into shoulder pads in 1980. 

“If you want the answer you have to multiply the square root of raw meat consumed by the Oklahoma State offensive line in a month by the number of games CU forfeited in 1997. Then you take that number and divide it by the pathetic need to beat Nebraska. You can then check your answer by turning on the Orange Bowl about every third or fourth year.

The victory will be celebrated with a riot on The Hill Friday night.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“King of the Blues” Interview Part XIV

“The Swan Song”

(Continued from Page 3)
Sunny: Like I said, I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Your roots reach deep into the Mississippi Delta, into the South Chicago scene, into Motown. That’s quite diverse.
Sunny: Yeah, man. I’m the king of the blues, baby, the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Our sources tell us that you’ve released over 50 records and CDs since the Forties.
Sunny: I’m the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You’ve been pickin and singin for over 70 years. Sooner or later you’re gona drop dead. How do you feel about the hereafter?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: After reviewing several of your songs it appears that you concentrate on simple, repetitious themes that could become annoying after a while.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: We see that you travel with a complete orchestra. Are all these members really necessary or do you just like to be extravagant?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: There are plenty of musicians, such as Muddy Waters, B.B. King, John Hurt, John Lee Hooker and others who might claim to be the king of the blues.
Sunny: But I am the king of the blues, baby.
Horseshoe: According to your agent you received that boom box as a gift from Yassar Arafat after a performance in Palestine.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: It’s really loud. Can you turn it down so we can talk some more?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: He also told us you were the tenth of eleven kids born to sharecroppers around the turn-of-the-century. How old are you anyway?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You don’t look that old.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: One would think that all the drinking and partying would take its toll on a fellow your age.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: The liner notes on your King of the Blues album say you’ve been married eight times and have fathered more than 40 children.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: What did you and all of those wives find to talk about.
Sunny: Ain’t you been listenin’? I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Read any good books lately?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Here, eat these guitar strings.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Nice day. You think it’ll rain this afternoon?
Sunny: It’s possible.
Continued on Page 34.

Old Negro League Standings 1946

National

New York Cubans

Baltimore Elite Giants

Newark Eagles

Pittsburgh Homestead Grays

Philadelphia Stars

New York Black Yankees

American

Cleveland Buckeyes

Kansas City Monarchs

Birmingham Black Barons (Willie Mays played for them)

Memphis Red Sox

Chicago American Giants

Indianapolis Clowns (Hank Aaron played for them)

Letters to the Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green the Answer Man

Do cows sweat?

Prairie, Gunnison

Dear Prairie

Cows do sweat.  Perspiration in cattle, however, is not so noticeable as in horses and some other animals.  In the case of the horse the sweat glands are distributed widely over the skin and the animal sweats freely all over the body.  But in the ox sweat glands are less abundant and are most completely developed on the muzzle.  Consequently a cow will sweat freely on the end of her nose, while what perspiration appears on her body is usually slight and almost imperceptible.

 

Dear Pea Green the Answer Man

Where are the eyes of the horsefly located?

Chris, Montrose

Dear Chris

  The large compound eyes of the horsefly are located conspicuously on the head.  Many people believe that the eyes of this insect consist of small yellowish specks or scales on tiny stems under the wings.  This, it is said, is proved by the fact that when these club-like appendages are removed the horsefly loses its equilibrium and flies abnormally.  As a matter of fact, these specks or scales represent aborted underwings.  Entomologists call them calypters or squamce.  Naturally, the removal of the calyptras affects the flight of the fly because they are intimately related to the wings proper.  Similar phenomena occur in other insects.

 

Dear Pea Green the Answer Man

What is the harvest moon?

Meadow, Paonia

Dear Meadow,

Harvest moon is the popular name given in northern temperate latitudes to the full moon that occurs about harvest time.  Astronomers usually regard the full moon nearest in date to the autumnal equinox as the harvest moon.  This is, roughly speaking, between the 15th and 20th of September.  Country people however are more likely to regard the next full moon as the harvest moon; namely, the full moon which occurs about the middle of October.  At this season the path of the moon, especially in high latitudes, passes quite closely above and below the horizon at the time of the full moon, causing it to rise merely at sunset for several nights in succession.  Thus the harvest moon prolongs the natural twilight and permits tardy farmers, so it is said, to complete their belated harvesting before the coming of frost and winter.  In south temperate latitudes this phenomenon occurs in late March or early April.  The moon which follows the harvest moon and which has similar characteristics is called the hunter’s moon.

 

Dear Pea Green the Answer Man

Why is a horse called a dobbin?

Jack, Ouray

Dear Jack

Dobbin is a general or familiar name for any horse, especially an ordinary draft or farm horse.  The name Dobbin was so widely used in England as a pet name for horses that it became a general nickname for the entire equine species.  It was a familiar name for a horse already in the time of Shakespeare.  In the Merchant of Venice, which was first printed in 1596, Old Gobo says to Lancelot: “Thou hast got more hair on thy chin, the Dobbin my philhorse has on his taile.”  Dobbin is a diminutive of the proper name Dob, which is a variation of Robin and Rob, which in turn are variations for the proper name Robert.

 

Dear Pea Green the Answer Man

What is meant by a pig in a poke?

Frank, Crested Butte Colorado

Poke is an old word meaning a bag, pouch or sack.  Our word pocket is a diminutive of poke.  A pig in a poke is a blind bargain, something purchased without examination, or any goods bought and paid for without knowing their quality or value.  The expression is said to have reference to an old trick pulled off on English market days.  Pigs were often taken to market in pokes or sacks.  Frequently shrewd countrymen would try to palm off on a greenhorn or cat for a sucking pig.  If the buyer opened the poke he let the cat out of the bag and the trick was disclosed.  Whether or not anybody was ever fool enough to buy a pig in a bag without looking at it, it is probable that the expression pig in a pike refers to the old custom of taking pigs to market in a sack.

Disclaimer # 611

This newspaper/website website is sold by weight, not by volume. Packed as full as practical with nouns, verbs and conjunctions by the editor, it contains full net weight indicated. If it does not appear full when opened it is because contents have settled during shipping and handling. Thank you for paying attention.

“Kite flying, dog racing, pork, pig, pig oil, anything made from human hair, satellite dishes, cinematography, any equipment that produces the joy of music, pool tables, chess, masks, alcohol, tapes, computers, VCRs, televisions, anything that propagates sex and is full of music, wine lobster, nail polish, firecrackers, statues, sewing catelogs, pictures and Christmas cards.”

– list of unclean things banned when the Taliban took over Afghanistan in 1996 from The Looming Tower by Lawrence Wright