RSSAll Entries Tagged With: "humor"

People will live on hot air balloons says seer

(Pitkin, CO) The Quartz Creek man credited with the invention of the composting bicycle helmet and a slew of alarming, yet spot on predictions, says a majority of people will be residing in helium balloons by the next decade.

Dr. Dutch Salamina, a recovering lecturer at Cal Polygamy, says his forecasts have fallen on deaf ears. His prediction, validated perhaps by dead- on, often unsettling prophecies, has been the butt of jokes on late night TV and virtually ignored by engineering and aeronautical experts.

Lest we forget Salamina envisaged the passive acceptance of organic calculation, the robotic embrace of nanotechnology, the stark descent to Second Dark Ages and the arrival of space aliens and their annoying dogs to Colorado and Utah.

According to the doctor life in a hot air balloon can be an effective redoubt against viruses, TV news, air pollution, idiot neighbors, political parties and the Internet. Cell phone use and fast food access will depend on local service and stench ordinances in force in the firmament.

He did not elaborate further.   

“A veces la ruta no exista.”    Alejandro Murphy

I will cut your house in half

Bulletins  —  January 15, 2016

I will cut your house in half for half price. Now you have a duplex! Rex’s Renovations and Restorations. Homes, motorcycles and more. 970-210-3800.

Local attorneys will offer free legal advice from 9:11 am to 9:14 am every other Tuesday unless it rains or is cancelled. This complimentary service is sponsored by the Wyoming Bar Association, distillers of fine liquors and assorted aqueus solutions for the teeth and the tummy. Apertifs, cordials and potions. Established just moments before the storming of the Bastille.

(Martin Luther King Day January 18, 2016)
There are notably few soul food restaurants in Montrose or on the Western Slope in general. Now here is virgin territory for someone good with ribs, beans and greens.

Just a little off the top

Just a little off the top

01r

El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand

El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand

El Nino in the palm of her hand

February and March promise to be two of the biggest snow months in decades. The antidote is a well-stocked cupboard, tred on your tires, a serious snow shovel, sharp skis and a good attitude. (or maybe a ticket to the mountains in Colombia).

Pen Pal Murderer Released

(Mancos — San Quentin Alumni Report — January 5, 2016)

A jury has voted for leniency in the case of Daryl Ducktape, a former convict here, indicted for murdering his pen pal some twenty years ago. The unanimous decision recommended that the prisoner be released immediately. Tears flowed freely in the crowded courtroom as the defendant gave his account of the tragedy.

“I started corresponding with Sara Peawit while in jail in 1979 after receiving a sultry photograph,” said Ducktape. “All the time I thought I was writing to this beautiful woman but the picture was really that of her cousin, Molly.

After my parole I went to Hermosa to surprise her and met the real Sara, whose face could easily stop an hourglass. Sure, I lost my head. I pushed her away and she fell,” he sobbed.

Molly Peawit and Ducktape, who finally met during the proceedings, plan a January wedding in Dolores.

– Sparky Flambé

Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts

(Washington — Wishing for a Piggly Wiggly — January 13, 2015)

The nation’s burgeoning homeless here will be held responsible for damages done to corporate grocery carts according to an investigative wing of the Department of Justice. The federal fairness bureau then reminded all Americans that the wire and wheel push wagons are the privacy of the giant food cartels that feed the populace.

“Those carts are not yours, people,” said Evenkeel Canasta, of the Department of Final Affairs, a sub-contractor of the Committee of Accidental Impartiality. “They are provided only through the kindness of the supermarket barons. When one goes missing or is destroyed we all pay!”

Canasta went on to describe how the ruthless street poor misuse the grocery carts which are often stored unlocked, outside and accessible. Her voice, dropping off in manufactured despair, quavered when she spoke of homeless thugs trashing the steerage mechanism and then abandoning the provender carriages under bridges, in meth alleys and bad neighborhoods all over the city.

“We may all see the day when there are no workable grocery carts anywhere in the country. Then what will the productive segment of society do?

Already top grocers are considering loyalty carts and earned award use of push/pull devices for collecting groceries and hauling purchases to their cars. They say the expense of the operation would be staggering and that grocery prices would have to go up to pay for the privilege.

“Grocery carts are not an entitlement,” quacked Canasta, an outspoken critic of Social Security and Medicare but firm supporter of tax breaks for the petroleum industry. “Far too many Americans think they deserve free grocery carts and they favor helping the homeless with a handful of gimme and a mouthful of much obliged.”

An urban advocate for the homeless called Canasta’s comments cruel and callous, adding that government officials should learn how to keep their mouths shut on social issues that do not directly concern them.

“Does Ms. Canasta suggest that the homeless rent storage units to keep their belongings safe? Maybe they could form a cardboard owners association. If a homeless person wrecks a grocery cart and an oil tanker dumps oil all over a beach who are we going to prosecute?” she asked.

Canasta, undeterred by mounting criticism of the Department of Final Affairs as well as the Committee of Accidental Impartiality, continued to bash street people saying that even when they steal a cart they don’t take care of it.

“They abuse the cart then trade it in on a new one when nobody’s watching. Victual consumers and poorly motivated grocery personnel should be more careful, more attentive when employing this technology or we might forfeit conveniences like value cards and plastic bags at checkout,” she said.

“The only reason these great unwashed don’t steal the parking lots is that they are nailed down and difficult to store,” she roared. “I do not like the homeless.”
Canasta discounted the claims of human rights’ groups that the misuse of grocery carts are only a symptom of a far greater problem of desperation caused in part by corporate greed and the unfair distribution of opportunity in this country.

“I am so tired of listening to high-strung liberals whining,” said Canasta. “If you can’t cut it here in my America you should be deported.”

– Heather Hoffbrau