All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Unda de’ counta soup
3,000 glass eyes from just one windshield! Send $5 for this and other amazing possibilities. Dept of Monotonous Technology, Falls Church, VA 22046
Anyone with knowledge as to the whereabouts of one Mickey Valdez, the alleged love child of Emperor Maximilian and Empress Carlota is asked to call the Montrose Police Department regarding his unpaid parking tickets. Thanks.
We build feedlots. Want us to build you a feedlot right there in your own backyard? Insulate yourself from raising meat prices today. All structures constructed of recycled material and guaranteed through Christmas. Chicken ranches, pig sties, rabbit hutches, aviaries too. Mystery Meats, Olathe.
Afraid to fly? Hey, with all the terrorism, covid and bad food who wouldn’t be? Now there’s help. We’ll fly for you. Any destination. Any schedule. Hell, we’ll even haul luggage given to us by people we don’t know. Bonus: Sign up today and we will arrange to have people meet you outside the airport or drive you to the nearest bus station. Big Bird Ltd., Antelope Hills.
For sale: Military surplus from much-maligned War on Drugs. Perfect for second home or military bunker system. Federal subsidy available for starter militias. See Mr. Winn at the Sandinista Gun and Tool Show at Jingo Auditorium. Three years ago we couldn’t even spell camouflage and now we are invisible.
Attractive blind couple wanted for proofreading duties on technical manual. We is desperate. Good pay per diem. Could work into regular gig. Col. Seymour Butts, Simms Mesa.
Will the barefoot peasant women that journey to the central fountain each day to draw water for household chores please do so before 8 am so as not to block tour buses. In addition, persons drawing water after 6 pm should do so dressed in brightly colored, traditional costume so as not to be confused with jeep drivers, firemen or realtors. Manana Vigilantes. Tourism for the Aged.
Hibernian Bar Mitzvahs by the week or the month. Disappointment Valley Optimists Club.
Former racing pigeons for sale fresh or frozen. Perfect for that quick luncheon or summer pick me up. We will not break up sets. Cash only. Carmichael Farms, Log Hill Mesa.
Many merchant woes can be directly linked to sticky front doors. Does your door stick? Call the Colorado Department of Stuck Doors for personal consultation. Great ideas for unsticking doors from crusty bureaucrats who love to get all dressed up and go to meetings. Watch profits soar when they can open the door!
Due to software difficulties, Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not make periodic stopovers in Durango, Creed and Lake City through the winter. Performances in Silverton and Howardsville will be strictly curtailed until spring. The annual three-day buffet in Sapinero is cancelled altogether. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to be back on schedule by next summer.
Lost: One Arapaho-English Dictionary in the men’s room at the Sand Creek Monument. If found please return to Col. John Chivington of the Colorado Militia. My translator is in Las Vegas at the International Genocide Hearings until next week and I can’t understand what any of these savages are saying. Small reward.
Workaholic seeks lazy resident to take three-week vacation to Florida in March so that I can work 20 hours per day. All expenses paid. Family provided. No travel agents or realtors please. I am Slim Tinkleholland, Wimpton Greyhound Track.
Guard dogs, surfing supplies, babes, quality assault weaponry, new age musical compositions, cardboard umbrellas, mail strippers, bulletproof vests, and suntan oil. Happy Jack’s Beach Bazaar, Blue Mesa.
Peasants: 1.) Please stay indoors during spraying operations conducted in March. Schedule and area maps will be issued. 2.) The controlled burn, originally scheduled for the Confront Range will go on as planned. 3.) Stay tuned for your next instructions. Colorado State Department of Transmigration.
Lost: Contoured, flux gate wall map of Tuscany at Palisades Restaurant in January. Part of an expanded collection that includes Lombardy, Roma, Venetia and the west coast of Corsica. Cabbage stain over most of the Ligurian Sea. Child’s pet. Contact Red over at the Holy Roman Empire.
SCIENCE FICTION WRITER needed for Economic Recovery Office in Washington DC. Work right alongside silly Democrats and vindictive Republicans who have seen the true path to solvency. Successful candidate can expect to spend two or three afternoons at the Pentagon. Office of Conventional Rebounding, 99 Entitlement Circle, Georgetown.
The 90th Annual Psorophaora Mosquito Family Reunion/Swarm will be held at Dengue Town Park on December 28 despite reports of high water. Bring covered fish. Pupae OK. No flies.
New from the people who brought you the Hawaiian Shirt Body Suit and the Backless Turtleneck! End the fear of an open fly in public! Avoid the pitfalls of roaming hands and insincere motives with the Digital Beep Unisex Zipper Alarm. For sale everywhere compliments of Infield Fly Inc., clothing and accessories for the mass neurosis. Batteries slightly extra.
TOURISTS: Pick up your personalized breath mints at any Colorado Welcome Station. Protection of our natural habitat begins with you!
Tired of that tedious weekly trek to the grocery? Tune in to the Clone Shopping Network and select from full-color pictures of the finest prime meats, fresh vegetables, packaged goods and guaranteed notions. All are available 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Your stomach doesn’t take a vacation and neither does the Clone Shopping Network.
Found: Pair of full figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.
Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the summer season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Tex-change operations daily at our secret clinic in Taylor Canyon. Guaranteed semi-painless or your deposit cheerfully refunded. References not an obstacle. Millions of delighted customers.
Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore, the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (6/30/2022).
Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.
Get paid for not mowing your lawn. Contact a federal government near you.
People will live on hot air balloons says seer
(Pitkin, CO) The Quartz Creek man credited with the invention of the composting bicycle helmet and a slew of alarming, yet spot on predictions, says a majority of people will be residing in helium balloons by the next decade.
Dr. Dutch Salamina, a recovering lecturer at Cal Polygamy, says his forecasts have fallen on deaf ears. His prediction, validated perhaps by dead- on, often unsettling prophecies, has been the butt of jokes on late night TV and virtually ignored by engineering and aeronautical experts.
Lest we forget Salamina envisaged the passive acceptance of organic calculation, the robotic embrace of nanotechnology, the stark descent to Second Dark Ages and the arrival of space aliens and their annoying dogs to Colorado and Utah.
According to the doctor life in a hot air balloon can be an effective redoubt against viruses, TV news, air pollution, idiot neighbors, political parties and the Internet. Cell phone use and fast food access will depend on local service and stench ordinances in force in the firmament.
He did not elaborate further.
“A veces la ruta no exista.” – Alejandro Murphy
I will cut your house in half
Bulletins — January 15, 2016
I will cut your house in half for half price. Now you have a duplex! Rex’s Renovations and Restorations. Homes, motorcycles and more. 970-210-3800.
Local attorneys will offer free legal advice from 9:11 am to 9:14 am every other Tuesday unless it rains or is cancelled. This complimentary service is sponsored by the Wyoming Bar Association, distillers of fine liquors and assorted aqueus solutions for the teeth and the tummy. Apertifs, cordials and potions. Established just moments before the storming of the Bastille.
(Martin Luther King Day January 18, 2016)
There are notably few soul food restaurants in Montrose or on the Western Slope in general. Now here is virgin territory for someone good with ribs, beans and greens.
El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand
February and March promise to be two of the biggest snow months in decades. The antidote is a well-stocked cupboard, tred on your tires, a serious snow shovel, sharp skis and a good attitude. (or maybe a ticket to the mountains in Colombia).
Pen Pal Murderer Released
(Mancos — San Quentin Alumni Report — January 5, 2016)
A jury has voted for leniency in the case of Daryl Ducktape, a former convict here, indicted for murdering his pen pal some twenty years ago. The unanimous decision recommended that the prisoner be released immediately. Tears flowed freely in the crowded courtroom as the defendant gave his account of the tragedy.
“I started corresponding with Sara Peawit while in jail in 1979 after receiving a sultry photograph,” said Ducktape. “All the time I thought I was writing to this beautiful woman but the picture was really that of her cousin, Molly.
After my parole I went to Hermosa to surprise her and met the real Sara, whose face could easily stop an hourglass. Sure, I lost my head. I pushed her away and she fell,” he sobbed.
Molly Peawit and Ducktape, who finally met during the proceedings, plan a January wedding in Dolores.
– Sparky Flambé
