Ruins Are Ancient Racquetball Court

(Delta – Noah’s Archeology – November 25, 2015)

After almost hours of research, archeologists and people in sunbonnets at the University of Downtown Delta have determined that unearthed ruins here are a remote wing of Fort Uncompahgre and not those of a Stone Age civilization.

The tunnels and halls, stumbled upon only last year during a cleanup exercise, stretch some 900 feet in all directions and housed a rather lavish athletic complex designed by none other than Antoine Roubideau, Western Colorado’s first trapper/merchant.

Known all along the Old Spanish Trail as a fur trapper who liked to stay in shape, Roubideau built Fort Uncompahgre in 1828 sans amenities like a lap pool and climbing wall. Those came later. During the first year it was quite enough to fight off Indians, cure meats for the winter and solidify the weight room and sweat lodge. The next summer saw a further expansion that included mud baths and a full-time masseuse.

The racquetball court was constructed of discarded lumber then next fall.
It all came crashing down when local Utes, who had been secretly working out deep in the forest, attacked the fort and killed everyone twice. It is surmised that they carried off what was then state-of-the-art exercise equipment. To this day only a few free weights have been recovered.

During the world wars Fort Uncompahgre was part of an elaborate defense network and then used to house livestock. More recently it has been refurbished and is drawing many visitors keen on touring Roubideau’s racquetball court.

Dr. Ardmore Diggins, Head of the Tail and Posterior Department at UDD says the startling discovery of the massive workout arena is only the tip of the iceberg.
“If we simply dig up the surrounding mesas and river bottoms there’s no telling what we’ll find,” he offered. “Why just last week we happened upon a rusty ankle weight like the kind worn by Father Silvestre Escalante while he searched for an overland route from Santa Fe to Monterey in 1776.

“He liked to pump iron too,” said Diggins.

Diggins, a magnificent ruin in his own right, has been instrumental in exhuming Forts Crawford, Monroe, Hepburn and Garbo in the Uncompahgre Valley. He is recognized as the first white man to prune the Ute Council Tree (circa 1969).

His doctoral thesis, stored on small rolls in each of the fort’s privies, presents evidence that aliens built the forts and taught primitive man to trap beaver and shell pistachios. He operates the nation’s largest ringworm farm is an avid collector of old bottles.

– Dinty Moore