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Boogeyman Gets Chair

(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.

     He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.

     Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders. 

     Survived by close associates Ms Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!

     Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.

     Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday. His enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.” 

     Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2022.

– Bunny Trimble

Turkey Lottery Cruel?

(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery for next Thanksgiving has played to mixed reaction here and in other rural communities across the country.

     Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.

     Here’s how it works: The birds will be assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.

     “It’s as fair as anything else,” said Dag Katz, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned can get their lives in order before November and the saved can go on with their lives without fear of a swan song with mashed potatoes and cranberries.”

     Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.

     “What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said Toole

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Many pets still without on-line service, email

(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.

     The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick. 

     “Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”

     If it wasn’t already bad enough. The public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.

– Rufus Maxwell

EX-Mag Castoff throws hat into Commissar Race

The Neanderthal Party appears primed to run a Trump castoff for Commissioner. Sandy Knotty-Pine, a Log Hill fumigator, was reportedly passed up by in 2016 and he entertains a grudge against everyone in the system.

Good looks may win elections and the Neanderthals were seen as an attractive, if extinct race! Pine stands for survival skills that may be compulsory in the eternal effort to take one’s careful next breath in the dark.

She plans to choose a local fence post as her running mate so as not to confuse her likely constituency. 

— Dolores Alegria

GAZA-Apres Armagedden

Photo from New York Times

Sainthood “posthumous promotion” – Pontiff

  Pope Francis told a group of pilgrims that the sacred achievement of sainthood was similar to a promotion in the lay/corporate sector.

     Outstanding Catholics, elevated to the rank of saint, are chosen due to goodness, love of fellows and loyalty to the Vatican. Their escapades while here on earth, although often theatrical, even melodramatic, could also have been quite normal, even boring.

     “Why not make everyone a saint. It doesn’t cost anything.” said the Pontiff.

     “Loyal employees get a watch after 40 years. Some get promoted to partner or VP. Why not sainthood as a reward for daily religious achievements?” he pressed.

     At present anyone considered to be saint material must undergo a series of IV Divine Vatican impasses, checks and examinations: Recognition, Nomination Research, Beatification (which they say can be painful), and finally Sainthood. 

     The sacred status is more difficult to attain than, say,  being elected to the House of Representatives but easier than securing a seat on the local town council.

     In a related development: Recently unearthed documents alleging that Jesus Christ may have been Undocumented have gained international attention, but no comment from religious groups. 

     None of the major Judeo-Christian sects have commented on conclusive evidence that most Jewish male babies had not been registered due to the messy King Herod thing and all. Many undoubtedly fell through the cracks of ancient history leaving their political status unclear, technically illegal aliens in their own country. 

     In the case of the prophet Jesus this may have led to his short, interrupted life as a rebel and socialist. 

– Fred Zeppelin

Next month: Did the Apostles smoke pot? 

Ecumenical Council Leaves Trail of Smoke