All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Kryptonite discovered in SAN JUAN mountains
A major deposit of the rare mineral Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine above Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of cell phones.
Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.
Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become millionaires overnight.
“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”
Since last Tuesday thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business, and there’s no end in sight.
Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Ute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Ute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Utes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.
In an official statement Governor Polis has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.
– Rocky Flats
NEWS BRIEFS
Dr. Pepper Ends Life in Clovis
(Farewell, Texas) The lifeless body of soft drink icon, Dr. Pepper, was discovered at the Enchantment Motor Court late last night after police received a anonymous tip as to a disturbance there. Eye-witnesses say gunshots were first fired at a dysfunctional pop machine and then the perpetrator allegedly turned the gun on himself.
Dead on the scene was Pepper, who gained early fame as an upbeat personality soon attaining greatness as the inspiration for a hyper cult called Peppers.
“It’s sad to think of Dr. Pepper engaged in all that dancing around about nothing,” said one resident who lives in his car next to the motel. “I wonder how many bottles of pop those people had to drink to reach such a point of euphoria?”
It was not clear why Pepper chose Clovis as the site of his bitter end. At present suicide is still illegal in New Mexico. Close associates suggest that poorly managed investments, stomach problems and disappointing romantic interludes may have led to his demise.
Response from the soft drink industry was mixed with many offering condolences to the immediate family. The more insensitive point out that he wasn’t even a real doctor. Harsh critics say he was an overbearing also-ran who “made a mockery of all that is pure and effervescent.”
Executives at Dr. Pepper itself say he will be missed. And now comes the tough job of finding a replacement from the over 4000 applications of employment received since yesterday.
“We’re looking for that special personality that can pull all the other Peppers together,” sobbed one exec and retain our share of the beverage market.” – Suzie Compost
Elves will not make good air marshals say experts
(Denver) Security officials here say plans to employ hundreds of Christmas elves as federal air marshals is a big mistake. They say the elves are lazy, corrupt, often drunk and far too short for the job.
“We need punctual, strong security personnel with enough muscle to do the job,” said Howard Ducktape, newly named security administrator at DIA, “not some pack of pathetic little clock punchers in pointy-toed shoes.”
Ducktape went on to recommend that no elves be included on any security force at the airport. He assured travelers that the formation of a professional security team, comprised of federal workers, will be in place before the start of the new year.
He said the 112-year-old “terrorist” apprehended by trainee elves yesterday was released after questioning. Apparently the retired school teacher from Cahone, whose name was not released, had attempted to board a plane to Reno with knitting needles in her carry-on. After a scuffle it became clear that the elves were no match for the grandma. Despite the fact that they had nixed the knitting needles they could do little to restrain her. Finally she surrendered to National Guardsmen on the scene.
“She had nothing but praise for everyone, which is typical of little old ladies,” said Ducktape. “It makes me sick.”
To show there are no hard feelings the former teacher is said to be busy knitting afghans for everyone.
Rolled Up Street Injures Silverton Man
(San Juan de Las Montanas) They really do roll up the streets around here in the winter. Ask Marvin Tinkleholland of Silverton who was recently hospitalized in Durango following a head-on collision with 13th Street here Thursday night.
Tinkleholland, a sailboat mechanic, was returning from a friend’s house at about 8 pm when he was caught up by the diminishing street. Town crews had no time to react and could only watch and wait as Tinkleholland went round and round. The startled man had no choice but to go with the flow to avoid further injury. Finally, when the street was completely rolled up, he was extracted by emergency medical technicians and driven to the Saint Roscoe’s Hospital in nearby Howardsville.
“He was handling matters quite well until he was hit by a stubborn curb at the intersection of Blair Street,” said one EMT. “I really don’t understand all the fuss. This kind of thing happens everyday up in Gladstone.”
Tinkleholland was cheated and released the next morning. He had only recently recovered from bruises received during the infamous Running of the Bullshit in Ouray in back in November.
“We have published our street rolling up schedule and crews have been asked to exercise extreme caution in their daily chores,” said one Silverton town council member. “People have to do the rest. They know that dusk can be a dangerous time, especially with all the snow. We suggest that they limit evening strolls to Greene Street which is not rolled up until midnight.”
– Uncle Pahgre
POACHING RAMPANT IN SENIOR SET
(Montrose) Incidents of poaching have reached epidemic proportions here according to behavioral scientists at the ocassionally renowned Pea Green Academy. Researchers expect matters to get even worse with winter’s weather to the Rockies.
“One only has to look at the daily supplies in our grocery stores to realize that something is wrong,” winced one scientist who prefers his eggs cooked over-easy with a side of home fries. “These perpetrators think they have a right to poach at will. Most of the hard-boiled element won’t even consider legal channels such as the scrambled version or the more organic raw egg, right out of the brown shell.”
Local henboys agree that a few bad eggs often spoil it for everyone else but add that as long as the guilty get off with “just a slap on the hand” the problem will continue to grow. They alluded to a group of indicted poachers strutting around their cells like Bantam Roosters just prior to a preliminary hearing on Wednesday.
“One has to consider the fact that the older poachers cannot chew that well and a poached version makes for a far more pleasant morning meal,” said citizen’s advocate Henrietta Perdue of the National Association for the Advancement of Chickens and Poultry (NAACP). “If one really wants to get to the root of the problem he must look beyond the feathers. It’s all supply and demand! Don’t chastise the chicken farmers. The problem lies within the infrastructure here in our cities and towns, she cackled.”
Perdue claims that if seniors did not desire poached eggs there would be no profit in chicken ranching and this contraband would disappear from circulation in a matter of months. An ardent follower of Pol Pot, Perdue’s other solution is to force all the seniors, as well as the chickens, from the cities out into the rural parts of the country for reeducation.
-Rocky Flats
“Yeah, they said that it’s not a crime to party with Jeffrey Epstein, which is pretty much like saying it’s not a crime to have brunch with Jeffrey Dahmer.” — JIMMY FALLON
LOCAL ANARCHISTS COMMENT ON CENSUS
Second home owners counted twice in 2030?
(Telluride) Most anarchists around here think a census is a joke. Joining many other less radical elements of the society, these standard bearers claim the figures extracted from the populace in no way indicate anything about who we are or how we live.
Former Telluride grant writer, turned anarchist after one too many town council meetings, says counting heads, officially or otherwise, is just another money laundering operation on the part of the gov’ment.
“They pay census takers to knock on doors and write down statistics. These people aren’t properly trained. What if grandma’s hiding in the cellar or Uncle Bob is out of town?” he said. “It’s simple. A lot of scribble on an official census form is not a valid basis for decision making, funding or any other intrusion. Even if it was it valid and effective would not justify the expense.”
Another anarchist, Mildred Cranmph, of Lawson Hill agrees.
“We must ask ourselves where the feds could better spend the money which they have illegally collected through various rogue taxing agencies,” she flinched. “Then take it another step and ask what effect all that money would have on the economy if it were left to the consumer to spend as he or she saw fit.”
Pro-Census sources wrote off the cries of the anarchists saying that they just sought to sabotage the census taking since it provided cohesion and preserved order in the nation. Authorities fear that efforts to disrupt the census could emerge as the actual tabulations begin.
“In some countries census takers have been threatened and roughed up by rebellious rabble and in some cases kidnapped by factions unfriendly to law and order,” said Marco Rasputin, of the Trivial Liberties Union. “These are brave Americans out to make an honest buck,” he stared. “Who knows what dangers lurk in the hearts of our countrymen? There are domestic disputes that may be encountered. There is the threat of the angry recluse or the lonely motor mouth, and that doesn’t even touch on exhibitionists, bad coffee or mean dogs.”
The anarchists are calling for a boycott of the 2030 census until the federals come to their senses.
“Considering the history of the past 250 years that could take forever,” said Cranmph, who suggests that an inspired and educated guess would do the trick.
“It’s like the football referee who estimates were the ball is down after a play then meticulously measures his presumption with the exactness of 10-yard chains,” said one anarchists who demanded anonymity. “The whole thing is ludicrous, but what isn’t? Why do you think I’m an anarchist anyway? I’ll tell you…It ain’t for the benefits.”
– Melvin O’Toole
The grant writer from above, who claims to have invented the cow tag, thinks the Census is a sham. Others agree calling it yet another act of a stumble-bum government plodding through another meaningless workday.
Mildred Cranmph, a retired navel officer turned anarchist, thinks the census expenditures could be better spent on tanks or the Tomahawk missiles.
CELL PHONES — PAST AND FUTURE
Did anyone ever wonder what it might have been like at the Battle of Little Big Horn if George Custer would have had a cell phone?
He could have texted Major Reno for reinforcements. He could have left a message with Captain Benteen. Hell, he could have employed roaming devices and told General Alfred H. Terry of his predicament. History may have been recorded quite differently providing either a happy or sad ending depending on whom one was rooting for at the time.
But he might not have had enough bars for service out there in the Dakota Territory.
Silly? Perhaps. But consider this: What if the pharaohs had the electronic wonders tucked away in the Great Pyramids or other burial plots. Could they call out for pizza or let their mothers know things weren’t really so bad…you know, being buried with all ones’ worldly goods and all.
Imagine a cell phone on the bridge of The Nina, The Pinta or the Santa Maria. That certainly would have prevented all the stress but the underwater phone lines could have been tapped by New World tribes allowing that group, considering the immediate future, time to organize a proper (albeit violent) reception for the Spanish hordes. This concept, too, depends on the ying and yang and all the rumors of gods arriving from the west…or was it the east?
If cell phones hadn’t taken so long to be developed Napoleon may not have had his Waterloo. He might have called ahead and made dinner reservations elsewhere. Ah, the French…I wonder how difficult would it be to obtain Charlemagne’s unlisted number in the regular phone book? Maurice Chevalier’s? Sandrine Bonnaire’s?
With cellular phones at his disposal, would Robert the Devil, Duke of Normandy have engaged in obscene phone calls in 1027? Would Wamba, King of the Visigoths, still become a monk had the Lombards pestered him after hours regarding cheaper long distance rates? Would Paul Revere still have made his famous ride or would he have simply called ahead to warn of the impending British movements in 1875?
The answers to these questions and the questions themselves are far less absurd than a fat man calling around the corner for ice cream delivery on his cell phone. The entire concept is quite silly indeed. Imagine sending cell phones, in lieu of grain, to starving tribes in Africa. Imagine selfies.
Last month the the NFL’s Denver Bronco receivers were all issued cell phones with their shoulder pads. They fit inside the helmet (part of concussion protocol) so they can talk to Beau any time during a given contest. Next we’ll see the infant cell phone, a small but safe nerf device that allows anyone’s baby carriage to stay on top of developments world wide. It just mounts right there on the stroller. Some say it’s just another status symbol.
Next Month: Invisible Selfies and Calling Baby’s Voice
