All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Panty Hose Great Found Strangled
The aknowledged inventor of pantyhose, 95-year-old Melvin Toole, found strangled in an unidentified library restroom this morning.
A final investigation was put to rest today after yielding little on the violent episode. Authorities admit that they have not determined if the matter as a homicide, a suicide, a hate crime or even an accident.
“More accidents happen in the bathrooms than in any other part of the house,” squibbed a visibly shaken librarian. “Toole was no spring chicken either.”
“He was in there for quite some time but, you know, but I was reluctant to knock, what with privacy laws and all,” gasped an attending staff member.
– Tommy Middlefinger
LETTERS TO THE PREDATOR
Dear Editor:
We read with much interest your piece on dinosaur poaching in the May issue. Does Stegosaurus really taste like chicken? Does the Filibeaux clan really survive the winters on eagle steak? Why didn’t any of the other papers cover this important story?
Jim-Bob Raisin, Ouray
To the editor:
I am a newly enrolled student at Western State College but I would never have attended this session if I knew the ski area at Crested Butte would be shut down all summer. How can people here expect enrollment to increase when there’s no skiing going on? Also, while I’m on the subject of positive diversions I am shocked to find that none of the Gunnison nightspots offer aquatic karaoke. Hey, it’s the rage back east! Maybe it’s high time Gunnison County as a whole put a pencil to the problem and developed some workable solutions to this embarrassing situation. All of us aren’t into fly fishing, rodeos and small talk. If things don’t improve pronto, I’m going back to Chicago.
Mario Ratshu, Oak Park, Illinois
Dear Melvin:
It’s true. I am declaring my candidacy for President of these United States and plan to run as the Republican aspirant in 2028. Considering the state of affairs around here I think I have as good a shot as the next guy. By the way, I have appreciated the coverage your publication has given my public and private life since 1980 when I was just a measly senator from Indiana. I wanted to break the news first in the Horseshoe since it seemed like the appropriate place to do so. See you at the second whistle stop. Marilyn says howdy.
ˇ J. Danforth Quayl, Kokomo, Indiana
Dear Editor:
Please refrain from making fun of the Hutus and the Tutsis in your well respected publication. Publicity of this type only adds fuel to the fire that has been burning under the surface in Rwanda for years. Your circulation here in Kigali is much more extensive than you may have believed. PS: Thanks for hiring our gorillas. At least they may look forward to better days. We are anxious to see their by-lines in future issues. It could only improve the editorial content.
Mutumbar Jones, Rwandan Embassy, Washington DC
Dear General:
Attempting to solve the world’s problems through military intervention and economic sanctions is not working. Instead the United States should concentrate on invading only peaceful countries who are not likely to pull us into yet another quagmire. Why not leave North Korea, Iraq, Bosnia and Haiti alone and redirect our military priorities toward countries like Holland or Canada? Switzerland hasn’t been invaded since the days of Hannibal. Shouldn’t that nation be prime by now? What about a return to Grenada since, thanks to Ronald Reagan that island is once again pacified? Other potential targets for our military hardware are The South Pole, Greenland, Oz, the Shire and Shangri La. Surely everyone can understand the need to test our burgeoning arsenal of weapons but at what cost?
Pete Hangstaff, Falls Church, VA
To Whom It May Concern:
A lot of people thought you were just kidding when you wrote the story about the new oxygen pipeline from the Western Slope to Denver. Most believed you were simply trying to bring attention to the problem of the Brown Cloud and the environmental decay common to that once beautiful city. The enclosed photograph, snapped on Highway 285 near Conifer should verify all your claims and leave the doubting thomases in the dust. It clearly shows construction crews unloading pipe for that tedious chore. Thanks for uncovering this significant issue. Feel free to print the picture in your next issue.
Francisco Fatima Penal, Prairie Transportation Secretary
Dear Melvin:
Maybe I will play Norwood this summer or at least Paradox.
Garth Brooks, Nashville
Dear Editor:
All this talk about the presence of Grizzlies in Western Colorado has gone far enough. For your information there is one attempting to pump gas at my convenience store right now. The only problem is that she can’t get the unleaded nozzle into her gas tank and is becoming quite angry. I thought I saw it all during Bluegrass. I just hope she doesn’t want to use the bathroom too.
Warren of Wexley, Telluride
Dear General:
Can you use your influence to help find an appropriate date for the 1995 Montrose Harpoon Festival? The idea of holding it over the Fourth of July Weekend conflicts with the Lighter Than Air Balloon Affaire and only spells trouble down the road. Thanks for your assistance in this potentially explosive matter.
Elliott Chamber-Montbattan, Oak Grove
Kryptonite discovered in SAN JUAN mountains
A major deposit of the rare mineral Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine above Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of cell phones.
Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.
Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become millionaires overnight.
“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”
Since last Tuesday thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business, and there’s no end in sight.
Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Ute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Ute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Utes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.
In an official statement Governor Polis has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.
– Rocky Flats
NEWS BRIEFS
Dr. Pepper Ends Life in Clovis
(Farewell, Texas) The lifeless body of soft drink icon, Dr. Pepper, was discovered at the Enchantment Motor Court late last night after police received a anonymous tip as to a disturbance there. Eye-witnesses say gunshots were first fired at a dysfunctional pop machine and then the perpetrator allegedly turned the gun on himself.
Dead on the scene was Pepper, who gained early fame as an upbeat personality soon attaining greatness as the inspiration for a hyper cult called Peppers.
“It’s sad to think of Dr. Pepper engaged in all that dancing around about nothing,” said one resident who lives in his car next to the motel. “I wonder how many bottles of pop those people had to drink to reach such a point of euphoria?”
It was not clear why Pepper chose Clovis as the site of his bitter end. At present suicide is still illegal in New Mexico. Close associates suggest that poorly managed investments, stomach problems and disappointing romantic interludes may have led to his demise.
Response from the soft drink industry was mixed with many offering condolences to the immediate family. The more insensitive point out that he wasn’t even a real doctor. Harsh critics say he was an overbearing also-ran who “made a mockery of all that is pure and effervescent.”
Executives at Dr. Pepper itself say he will be missed. And now comes the tough job of finding a replacement from the over 4000 applications of employment received since yesterday.
“We’re looking for that special personality that can pull all the other Peppers together,” sobbed one exec and retain our share of the beverage market.” – Suzie Compost
Elves will not make good air marshals say experts
(Denver) Security officials here say plans to employ hundreds of Christmas elves as federal air marshals is a big mistake. They say the elves are lazy, corrupt, often drunk and far too short for the job.
“We need punctual, strong security personnel with enough muscle to do the job,” said Howard Ducktape, newly named security administrator at DIA, “not some pack of pathetic little clock punchers in pointy-toed shoes.”
Ducktape went on to recommend that no elves be included on any security force at the airport. He assured travelers that the formation of a professional security team, comprised of federal workers, will be in place before the start of the new year.
He said the 112-year-old “terrorist” apprehended by trainee elves yesterday was released after questioning. Apparently the retired school teacher from Cahone, whose name was not released, had attempted to board a plane to Reno with knitting needles in her carry-on. After a scuffle it became clear that the elves were no match for the grandma. Despite the fact that they had nixed the knitting needles they could do little to restrain her. Finally she surrendered to National Guardsmen on the scene.
“She had nothing but praise for everyone, which is typical of little old ladies,” said Ducktape. “It makes me sick.”
To show there are no hard feelings the former teacher is said to be busy knitting afghans for everyone.
Rolled Up Street Injures Silverton Man
(San Juan de Las Montanas) They really do roll up the streets around here in the winter. Ask Marvin Tinkleholland of Silverton who was recently hospitalized in Durango following a head-on collision with 13th Street here Thursday night.
Tinkleholland, a sailboat mechanic, was returning from a friend’s house at about 8 pm when he was caught up by the diminishing street. Town crews had no time to react and could only watch and wait as Tinkleholland went round and round. The startled man had no choice but to go with the flow to avoid further injury. Finally, when the street was completely rolled up, he was extracted by emergency medical technicians and driven to the Saint Roscoe’s Hospital in nearby Howardsville.
“He was handling matters quite well until he was hit by a stubborn curb at the intersection of Blair Street,” said one EMT. “I really don’t understand all the fuss. This kind of thing happens everyday up in Gladstone.”
Tinkleholland was cheated and released the next morning. He had only recently recovered from bruises received during the infamous Running of the Bullshit in Ouray in back in November.
“We have published our street rolling up schedule and crews have been asked to exercise extreme caution in their daily chores,” said one Silverton town council member. “People have to do the rest. They know that dusk can be a dangerous time, especially with all the snow. We suggest that they limit evening strolls to Greene Street which is not rolled up until midnight.”
– Uncle Pahgre
POACHING RAMPANT IN SENIOR SET
(Montrose) Incidents of poaching have reached epidemic proportions here according to behavioral scientists at the ocassionally renowned Pea Green Academy. Researchers expect matters to get even worse with winter’s weather to the Rockies.
“One only has to look at the daily supplies in our grocery stores to realize that something is wrong,” winced one scientist who prefers his eggs cooked over-easy with a side of home fries. “These perpetrators think they have a right to poach at will. Most of the hard-boiled element won’t even consider legal channels such as the scrambled version or the more organic raw egg, right out of the brown shell.”
Local henboys agree that a few bad eggs often spoil it for everyone else but add that as long as the guilty get off with “just a slap on the hand” the problem will continue to grow. They alluded to a group of indicted poachers strutting around their cells like Bantam Roosters just prior to a preliminary hearing on Wednesday.
“One has to consider the fact that the older poachers cannot chew that well and a poached version makes for a far more pleasant morning meal,” said citizen’s advocate Henrietta Perdue of the National Association for the Advancement of Chickens and Poultry (NAACP). “If one really wants to get to the root of the problem he must look beyond the feathers. It’s all supply and demand! Don’t chastise the chicken farmers. The problem lies within the infrastructure here in our cities and towns, she cackled.”
Perdue claims that if seniors did not desire poached eggs there would be no profit in chicken ranching and this contraband would disappear from circulation in a matter of months. An ardent follower of Pol Pot, Perdue’s other solution is to force all the seniors, as well as the chickens, from the cities out into the rural parts of the country for reeducation.
-Rocky Flats
“Yeah, they said that it’s not a crime to party with Jeffrey Epstein, which is pretty much like saying it’s not a crime to have brunch with Jeffrey Dahmer.” — JIMMY FALLON
