All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Town Council Passes Tennis Ball Ordinance
(Ouray) In an attempt to curtail the hoarding of tennis balls by local canine, the Ouray Town Council today voted to limit the number of balls to three per dog. Acting unanimously, the legislators agreed that the matter had reached crisis proportions and that swift action was needed to alter acutely obsessive behavior.
Local dogs can now legally possess only three tennis balls, which are to be stored on site and clearly displayed for inspection by officials. Canines found with the rubber contraband among their food dishes, blankets and walking apparel will be confined or tied up until the matter can be resolved. Repeated infractions will result in fines levied on owners.
“Dog court will inherit most of the accumulation cases although aggravated episodes may fall under civil jurisdiction,” said Rover Katz, interim city dogcatcher. “Part of the problem is that other communities in the county have yet to initiate these progressive dictates on conduct and unknowingly provide safe havens for the criminal element right under our noses.”
Many residents, both dog owners and others agree that something had to be done.
“We have dogs living here that have as many as 10 to 20 tennis balls hidden in bushes, dropped under porches and defiantly left out in the sun to rot,” said one woman who says she prefers cats.
“I’m all for dogs having a good time and all but three tennis balls should certainly be enough to entertain even the most neurotic canine,” added a local man who raises exotic Chihuahuas. “Most of my dogs are too small to get a tennis ball into their mouths so let them play with rubber marbles instead. We’ve only had one incident in fifteen years where a dog swallowed one. I sure hope marbles aren’t included in the restrictions.”
Critics of the ordinance say the town has no right to extend limitations on private property. They pledge to fight the new laws on the grounds that every dog should have his day, as clearly documented in state and federal precepts.
Meanwhile many dog owners here have enrolled their pets in Balls Anonymous, an organization that seeks to integrate dog skills and positive self worth, confronting the deeper demons of addiction.
Attempted Brook Burning Backfires
Failed attempt at brook burning nestles fears in Bible Belt. Brook burning is on the rise in the United States as self-righteous intellects collide with…oh…that awkward notion…again…Freedom…in the bedroom…in the library. Above we catch the action moments before a massive sunami landed right smack on top of these four soggy brook burning puritans, sweeping them away with the liberating current.
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late which have taken the club out of contention by mid-June. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
-Jack Spratt
BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush
(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.
“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”
Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health like so many rescue dogs.
In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and, of corpse, sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.
“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”
Dionysus to speak at Pavilion
(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on September 31. Undressing the subject of a sour public mood of late, the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action tapping his creative/intuitive power.
“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very website. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed. Many of these persons are so worried about questions that they embrace solutions and explanations that fall short of the truth.
Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.
“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”
The god pointed to two cult practices that are particularly dangerous in a free society: the mindless acceptance of religion fairy tales and the belief that demagogues have their best interest at heart, only because they say so.
-Fred Zeppelin
Impunity and immunity:
Immunity is typically used in a legal or medical context to refer to protection from disease or prosecution, while impunity is usually used to describe protection from the consequences of an unlawful act.
COMMUTER RACE RESULTS
San Miguel to Montrose County
Hwy 145 to Hwy 62 to Hwy 550 Telluride – Montrose
Early heat (weather dependent) 4 pm
Approx 5:30 pm start weekdays
5 pm heat. Team Bud Lite 1:39. Team Coors 1:50.
6 pm heat. Team Modelo Highway 145 to 550
Liquor stop
Team Head-on. Hwy 62
Team crash dummies. Hwy 62 to Hwy 50
Team felon. Highway Sawpit to Hwy 50
Liquor stop.
Team Lackinsurance Hwy 550 to 50
Sat and Sun No matches scheduled
All report arriving in Olathe 2 minutes faster while risking lives in
mindless pursuit of tribal chariotism.
Where are the cops? A few busts and it all ends.
Horseshoe Pleads Insanity — Beats Parking Ticket
(Crested Butte) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 149, was absolved of all wrongdoing in municipal traffic quart here this morning. He had plead not guilty by reason of insanity to charges that he had illegally parked his fire-engine red 1938 Packard on Sopris Avenue some three weeks prior.
A twenty-five dollar parking ticket plus towing charges were dismissed.
Acting as his own attorney, Horseshoe claimed that he was not fluent in foreign languages and therefore could not be held responsible for breaking the law as spelled out through a series of confusing road signs. He offered to show conclusive proof that he was clinically insane and began throwing himself around the quartroom, drooling, babbling incoherently, his eyes rolling around in the back of his head, a faraway mirk stretched across his saggy mug.
Then, after being restrained by the flirtatious bailiff, Horseshoe claimed that he was tone deaf, legally blind, psychotic, gun-shy and stupid. He added that he suffered severe seizures, on the half-hour, brought on by chronic gout and rum. He then explained the details of the evening in question and told the judge that a fine of that amount represented cruel and unusual punishment.
At that point, he proceeded to produce a well-worn, beaded wallet void of any funds. On the wallet was stitched St. Louis World’s Fair. The only thing in the crude purse was a piece of ancient lint-covered chewing gum, which he offered to the judge to take home for her children.
In Our Opinion: Dressed in a pink terrycloth bathrobe, a Union saber and unlaced Sorrels, if he was guilty of anything or any charges it was overacting.
“I find the defendant not guilty,” hollered the judge. “Now clear the quart before I change my mind and throw everyone in jail!”
Upon exiting the quartroom Horseshoe tripped on an AK-47 casing discarded on a flight of stairs and fell violently to the ground spraining his tongue and knocking his left eyelid out of kilter. He plans to sue the gov’ment for damages.
-Thumbellina Etchabarron
