All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Psyched Out

with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.

Regional Hatred Healthy

     Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders and a lot of distrust of neighbors on a daily basis. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.

     Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many functional cells of ex-patriots in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that the defeated culture can export its thoughts and philosophies while keeping the lid on things back home.

     Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food?

     This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.

     Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the form of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 1992 alone some 13,000 flags in

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THE RAZOR’S EDGE:

A short history of shaving in honor of

NATIONAL STUBBLE AWARENESS MONTH

     Stubble in the form of whiskers has been with us almost since the invention of the face. As cultures have changed throughout history, so have people’s attitudes toward whiskers. The early people of the Fertile Crescent wore their facial hair proudly. Artifacts have been uncovered that show a proud Sumerian man with his beard adorned with oil and chicken bones and bits of parsley, although some scholars suggest that these findings merely show how sloppy ancient eaters could be.

An early legend tells of a man with his beard decorated with many bits of bread. The story says that, even though this was very attractive to ancient females, the man had a perplexing problem of birds swooping constantly upon his beard. This so annoyed

him that he took to pulling large chunks of his beard out until the clean-shaven look was born, although most men today would not consider pulling out hair by chunks to be, technically, shaving.

Actual shaving was done some years later with pottery shards. Many archeological digs reveal literally truckloads of pottery shards. For years archeologists thought these were bits of broken ceramic vessels, but now many believe these shards to be, not broken bits, but original shaving tools. Some of the shards even say, “bic” on the back.

As shaving evolved, new and better tools came along. Finally, a sharpened razor blade with a handle was invented by a Greek inventor named Idios. Idios also invented an electric razor, but electricity was unfortunately not available for 2200 more years. But the razor blade was plenty exciting enough for people used to using pottery shards.

In fact, shaving got to be such a joy that even woman and children got into the act. Thus up until this century children were sometimes affectionately called “little shavers.”

Today stubble removal is easier than ever. Still it requires time and daily attention. If a man spends 3-5 minutes every day shaving then over the course of his lifetime this could add up to hundreds of years. Little wonder then that many men prefer to let at least some of their facial hair grow, the hair above their top lip, or on their chin, or all the hair on the left side of their face for example.

So then what of the future of shaving?  Some analysts forecast a time in the near future when men can get a shave over the internet. A technology institute in Germany is currently experimenting with a hat that projects a holographic image over the wearer’s face so that he appears to be clean- shaven at all times. Holograms, on-line shaving, who knows what’s in store? Call me old fashioned, but whatever science dreams up I think I’ll still be getting my shave with a good old pottery shard.

Behavior Mod Working on Highways

Western Slope police departments have been taking a new approach to the enforcement of traffic laws this summer. They call the program Positive Response Reaction Pacification but it’s really only simple behavior modification. It works like this:

A police officer observes a driver roaring through a school zone at 50 mph. The driver then runs a red light, makes an illegal U-turn, tears through an inhabited crosswalk and comes to a screeching stop in his front yard just inches away from a large elm tree. Does the officer pursue this reckless criminal and make an arrest? The answer is “No.” A second scenario goes like this.

The same officer observes a delivery vehicle proceeding at the allotted speed limit, signaling when appropriate, driving defensively and politely. He hits the flashing red light on the patrol car and swings into action.

Overtaking the delivery truck the officer vaults from the car and approaches the vehicle.

“Good morning, sir,” smiles the policeman. “I just stopped you to tell you that you are doing a fine job operating this rig. We appreciate safe, considerate drivers like yourself on our highways. Here i s a ticket for $25. Just send it in to the circuit court and they’ll send you a check.”

This shockingly innovative program has been in effect since April 1 and has cut the average officer’s work load by as much as 50%. Already it has lowered stress and complication due to messy fines and imprisonment.

“By rewarding positive behavior and ignoring the negative, we hope to educate the public and bring about a profound change in driver mentality throughout the country,” said Juan Concerto, one of the creators of the program. “Already we see sober motorists following squad cars around trying to catch the eye of the patrolman.”

Suspicious vehicles will still be stopped, according to Concerto, but “the PRRP Program is a step in the right direction,” he winked.

-Pepper Salte

Over-grazing by tourists threatens quality of life

     If bomb-wielding anarchists get their way it could be mandatory for out-of-state tourists to possess visas and pass basic intelligence tests as effort to jury visitors in 2027 gets lift in Colorado House.

     Other subjects undressed in this week’s forum include proposals to limit credit card use by rewarding tourists for using cash, road blocks and detours and municipal user fees not exceeding 25% of expenditures.

     “We want to attract the right kind of visitors. We don’t call them tourists, a term with bad associations that we deem offensive. If the current traffic continues we will have nothing to offer the thinking traveler and our home will become a wasteland for everyone.

     In a what is seen as a particularly desperate move, one elected official suggested offering all expense paid trips to Disneyland for those who cooperate with the new limitations while waiting for their invitations to Colorado.

     “We don’t want to kill the golden goose, we just want to limit the size of the eggs she lays,” said one rational voice.

“We’re in this world as tenants. The only thing we take with us is our good deeds.”  – Yiddish saying

Removing fossil fuels good for Mother Nature say petroleum companies

This day in history: The Magma Carbona was signed by Price Exxon, Donald of Orange and the local nobility to maintain fossil fuel prices. The prestigious group then gave the secondary tier unheard of freedoms but no more human attendant/service at the pump. “Can I check your oil?” Is a thing of the past in the Greatest Country in the World.

In the official statement: The drilling for oil and the extraction of natural gas actually relieve painful pressure at the earth’s core. Equated to a bad stomach ache that pressure is removed with the loving hands of geologists and con men from all over the globe. Without the tedious and expensive removal of these elements the earth could not remain flat and the sun would fall from the sky.

And for all you religious enthusiasts: Remember: Many early Christians made a small fortune from fossil fuel investments. Many apostles died quite wealthy.” – from The Sermon on the Gout by strip mall preacher Avery Sibadde.

Source: Natural Oil and Organic Fossil Fuel (Formerly British Petroleum of Tehran). We’re listed right after Stonehenge in the Isle of Mann phone book.

Dodge Ram and Your Bigote

     A new study surviving recent federal cuts strongly suggests that driving a Doge Ram makes one’s bigote larger.

     The examination, classified under Highly Sensitive Male Ego of input here clarifies longheld suspicions that people have been buying the pseudo-macho trucks for more than the V-8 sound and the potentially giant tires.

     “Even if you need a ladder to get into your truck and a telephone book to see over the dashboard you too will at some point experience new growth in the bigote region, said one engineer. Expectations can be varied but most will be surprised. This is not about testosterone or virility. It is about bigotes and the man who wants to be 100% man!”

     Meanwhile the White House has seen a bevy of attempts to define bigote and grow one as soon as possible to thwart the liberal agenda.

     Whether any of this connects with the alarming trek of young white males to the Trump camp in search of a heightened gender experience was never concluded. The ancient art of displaying a bigote dates back to the Sumerians who often waxed theirs and twisted them to the delight of female companions.

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Dumber than a bucket of hair”: Jim to Huckleberry Finn in reference to some of his fellow humans in James by Percival Everett