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HIGH SEASON-LOW VOLTAGE

HIGH SEASON-LOW VOLTAGE

You’re either in the Ouray Brewery or your not. Just ask the man at the door. Kevin has been credited with keeping life calm amid the throngs. “He’s kept Ouray from the abyss”, said a friend.

High Speed Internet is Better Than Sex

“High speed internet – hands down – is better than sex!” says a recent survey released by the Knights of the Ribald. The survey is published in many sexually explicit publications proudly displayed behind retail counters so as to prevent them from falling in to the wrong hands. 

Those lucky enough to live in Fiber Paradise can download loads of sin, accompanying music, check e-mail, and have a cold beer – all at the same time in a matter of minutes.

According to one 34-year-old recently single woman, renting a Talibanesque cave for many bags of gold each month, “Who needs men!” she shouts with a beer between her legs at a Gunnison watering hole. “All I need is a good set of headphones, a six pack in the fridge, and I have the virtual world at the click of a vibrating plastic mouse.” 

“In fact, why am I even here in this bar during happy hour?” she further questioned. 

Lonely reporters report that wives and girlfriends are leaving their husbands and boyfriends with nice houses in the remote burbs surrounding Telluride, Gunnison and even Crested Butte for overpriced cable-ready apartments and run down trailers in Montrose and Grand Junction. “I left my boyfriend for high speed internet,” one Western State University grad reported. 

A not-so-desperate Crested Butte South housewife uses high speed internet to order female sex toys paid for by her husband’s credit card. “My only escape from my overbearing husband and kids is my office, my cat, my erotic glass-blown gizmo and illegally free downloaded music.” 

Even Western Slope mountain men are catching on. “The women don’t want me anyway,” shouts a drunk Colona cowboy who hasn’t been with a woman in years. All I need is a fast download of the latest Paris Hilton video and I’m good to go!” 

As he proceeds to get slapped by yet another woman who won’t give him the time of day, he throws down a shot of Hack Daniels and adds, “Once you’ve had high speed internet, you’ll never go back to regular dating.” 

“Foreplay took too long with dial-up,” one bald 60-something-year-old on Viagra reported from his Montrose double-wide. “I like my entertainment fast, easy and on the trashy side.” 

The survey pointed out that one in five visit porn sites at least twice daily in their homes while a third of those surveyed get their fix at work on the boss’ time. One Telluride construction worker living out of his river shuttle Toyota secretly enters the company office to look at the Makita Girl-of-the-month on-line. “She’s better than the real thing,” he whispers. 

-Bettie Rides

“Ancient Bones” Not What they Seem

(Gunnison) What at first appeared to be the bones of an Anasazi warrior, has turned out to be no more than petrified biscuits and gravy according to archaeologists here. The dig, centered in a now off-limits acre of the W Mountain Complex, will continue for another five years in the hopes of discovering more.

Scientists, who have been carefully extracting pieces of the puzzle from the rocky soil above, were not thwarted by the laboratory findings.

“We have become accustomed to frustrations out here in the field,” said one digger. “Why just last year in Delta we thought we’d exhumed an ancient Ute canning operation but it turned out to be an abandoned 1947 Plymouth.”

Sources at Western State University insist that the dig continue, adding that artifacts lend credence to theories that the Anasazi were not able to manipulate cholesterol levels and that, in short, they generally ate whatever ran across their path and some what didn’t.

 Although the quality and taste of the biscuits and gravy will not be known until the lab report is completed, conjecture here has it that the Ancient Ones made their own buttermilk biscuits and concocted a sort of gravy from roots,  buffalo milk and the excesses of smoked sausage.

“How primitive,” said one archeologist.

After primary examination, the content of the gravy seems to match up with the consistency of a favorite trench mortar used to construct the Cliff Palace at Mesa Verde. This theory too, will be subject to the laboratory report.

“A regular diet like this may lead us to answers that have eluded us in the past,” said one scientist, “and once and for all determine the actual demise of an entire civilization.”

Tourists are asked to stay clear of the excavation site until about 2040.

Melvin Bedwetter O’ Toole

     

Bastille Day!

Bastille Day!

Gasoline Now Luxury Item

(Houston) Processed petroleum has been reclassified as a luxury item placing the resource in the same category as caviar, furs, diamonds and fine champagne according to a newly formed government agency responsible for this kind of thing.

The identification of substances not affordable to the average consumer is a simple progression of economic reality according to the agency which operates within the confines of the Divine Right of Acquisition, based entirely on accumulated wealth.

“Now that gasoline has been listed with the elite, we hope people will stop bitching about prices and blaming the oil companies for price gouging,” said Darla Driller, a former IRS agent, now moonlighting with the public relations department at Exxon-Mobile. “Hardly anyone bitches when caviar jumps to $300 a pound or a condo cost two million.”

The announcement comes on the heels of figures released this month verifying that four major oil companies recorded a significant jump in profits this quarter compared to the same period in 2021. According to the documents filed with the United States Treasury Department Conoco-Phillips recorded a slight profit of 65% while Exxon-Mobile fell short with a paltry 43% profit margin. Also-rans British Petroleum and Royal Dutch claimed profits of just 36% and 34% respectively.

“It’s difficult to believe that the self-absorbed consumer could accuse these companies of gouging in the face of these statistics,” said Driller. “Don’t they realize that it costs money to deliver gas to the pump?”

In addition to the increased earnings the oil concerns will pay little or no tax due to reinvestment credits, exploration projections and boondoggle shelters set up by leading Republicans.

“These brave leaders are out to keep our plastic economy propped up while they suck it dry,” said Driller, “but then I’m the optimist in the pudding.”

“Poor people are just going to have to realize that gasoline, like caviar, is simply out of reach. If they want to go somewhere they’ll just have to walk or take the bus.”

– Fred Zeppelin

WSCU Rated Number 3 Party School

Mid-Week Category

(Gunnison) Western State University of Colorado has been rated # 3 in a national poll focused on student behavior. The poll, centered on the mid-week party atmosphere rated Western higher than many larger institutions including the University of Colorado and the University of Wisconsin, two perennial standouts.

Finishing ahead of Western, one and two respectively, were Cal Amari University and Wabash Polygamy Institute. Last year’s winner Jerry Lewis College of Durango, did not do well, ending up at #103 due to a breakdown in communication between the administration and the faculty who failed to establish class attendance norms.

“When kids are expected to go to afternoon classes in the middle of the week the status of party school will undoubtedly suffer,” said Myrna Clocken, a fixture at the school since 1904. “Just wait,” she prodded. “Next year we’ll be back, especially if we can drop those bothersome math and science requirements.”

Plans to schedule all classes between 10 am and 11 am in 2023 should keep Western State at the top of the party heap. In addition a government decision to include alcohol on the list of items legally purchased with food stamps should have quite an impact too.

“Many Western State alumni will go on to fill important recreational positions in the real world after graduation,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a visiting lecturer in the Department of Social Chaos. “We want to give them the tools to succeed even if we have to stay up all night doing it.”

A short ceremony acknowledging the high ranking will take place at the Colorado School of Mimes football match-up in October.

– Sergio Jingles