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South Townsend Sprawl Brings New Trees

Man’s Triumph Over Nature

(Montrose) After quickly bulldozing the natural vegetation south of Montrose, developers here are promising to plant trees. The deforestation of the area close to the Uncompahgre River has been likened, on a smaller scale, to cut and burn tactics common to the Amazon Rain Forest where that precious habitat takes a second seat to progress.

“Those cottonwoods were in the way,” said Sissy Facelift, an already rich realtor from downtown Telluride. “Montrose needs a corridor of malls and fast food outlets and besides I need something to do, somewhere to turn my family inheritance into more money.”

The plowed under trees, destroyed to make room for more asphalt and big box stores, will reportedly be replaced by designer, self-contained, micro trees flown in from Aspen and Vail. The farmland, where cows once graced peacefully is being marketed as having excellent development potential.

“We’ve got beds to fill in Telluride and those old trees just didn’t project the image we’re looking for,” said the realtor. “Why is everyone so upset? We’re just trading one clump of trees for another more attractively landscaped expression.”

What seems particularly amusing/sick is that the sub-suburban culture so readily expressed here is without a viable urban center to support it. Critics feel that Montrose is well on its way to looking like every other suburb in the country without actually being a suburb of anything.

“It’s formula living at it’s finest,” said Facelift. “We hope to attract every chain store known to man. After that we’ll throw a second story on the whole project and leave town.”

And the real estate boom goes on and on. Just last month our Bureau of Land Management jumped into the circle selling some 140,000 roadless acres of undeveloped public land to oil and gas companies. , 20,000 of those now damned acres are located in Western Colorado. What a bargain for the special interests at the taxpayer’s expense. 

Oh well, who cares. Broncos season starts in August and my revolving credit line has been increased and maybe, if we all keep quiet and cooperate we’ll see lower gas prices down the road. – Rocky Flats     

     

More “TOOLE escapes”

continued from previous imagination

and fell through the heavy brush. Toole was then debriefed and deloused then flown to Airububis, in the western corridor of this dirty, sniveling little republic. Unfortunately a malfunction in the bar car of the helicopter caused it to plummet to earth delivering the hapless Toole into the mouths of swarthy cannibals and into the hands of their long-time allies, the British. It was at this time that an English officer backhandedly introduced Toole to the lovely Nubian Princess Irm Peawit, “Mistress of the Nile” and heir to the Oscar Meyer meat fortune. Peawit had run away to Africa after the Cubs lost the play-offs in 1985, and had married several chieftains before falling into slavery in July of 1986. Peawit and Toole immediately began planning their escape.

Upon his arrival to Airububi Toole had noticed a system of microwave towers strategically placed at nondescript intervals throughout the region. If he and his exotic runaway could just reach the first tower undetected they had a chance. It would be all worthwhile if he could deliver the unsuspecting Peawit to her parents in Lake Forest, Illinois and collect a handsome reward of 30,000 pounds of bacon.

(continued on page 67)

Bake sale to benefit Tsunami victims

(Norwood) A ten-family ethnic bake sale will be presented on Saturday, May 28 to benefit the survivors of a series of Tsunamis that have again hit Indonesia. Despite the fact that the inhabitants affected are of the Muslim persuasion we still feel they need clean water, food and warm clothes. Toward the end of the sale a contest to determine degrees of patriotism will be held – the winner determined by the number of American flags he/she can display on a Toyota pickup. Be sure not to miss it!

County roads closed  to protect endangered grouse

County roads closed to protect endangered grouse

(Gunnison) Many area back roads and even a few highways will be closed this spring to protect the wild habitat of the now famous Gunnison Grouse. Besides all country roads in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties authorities have closed State Highway 50 from midnight until noon to allow the grouse to mate without interruption.

Highway 135 will be shutdown the day after Easter until July 4 unless the birds themselves complain.

While no one on either side of the controversial closings has ever actually talked to a grouse many have strong opinions. Apparently so do many grouse.

One Ohio City man says he speaks for the birds.

“We (the grouse) damn sure shudder at the sound of a bulldozer in our habitat but all these people snooping around in the backyard experimenting with us aren’t helping much either. It’s like missionaries bringing small pox to the god-less savages. We would simply like to be left alone. And there’s no reason to close the roads since none of us drive cars.”

If the road closures are deemed effective Coloradans may see plenty of rivers closed in the autumn to protect the Kokanee.

On the Confront Range, leaders are calling for a complete closure of all state and federal highways to protect humans, who, although not at all endangered are often driven mad due to overexposure to traffic. Back roads are so far deferred from the plan but motorists are warned that they (the roads) can be slick, muddy and/or dusty depending on the season.

“We will shut down I-70 and I-25 if that’s what it take to protect our way of life,” said a gubernatorial aide who demanded he wear an Elmer Fudd mask while on camera. “I wonder what Georgetown would look like without all the cars.”

-Estelle Marmotbreath

“Only two reasons to stop playing golf: You die or you run out of golf balls.” – traditional saying among putters

Horseshoe Will Check Emotional Baggage

(Gunnison) In keeping with regulations set down by the Homestand Security Agency the San Juan Horseshoe will check the emotional baggage of all readers at the time of boarding. The procedure, much like that at the airport, is particularly interested in bombs, drugs and small pets but will also be looking for people smuggling cynicism into the paper as well.

Indications that potential readers harbor ill will toward security charades will be reported to the authorities immediately while any uncooperative attitude such as whispering, laughing at security personnel or negative body language will likewise be noted. 

“We are particularly offended by persons rolling their eyes in response to questioning and chewing gum while in line,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, publisher of the paper. “Last month we discovered the late Saddam Hussein’s mustache attempting to sneak onto page 4. As it turned out the thing was in search of political amnesty but the very thought of terrorist activity sent shivers down our spineless accounting department.”

Readers accustomed to easy access to the website will be inconvenienced with the boarding times lengthened by only a few minutes. Persons who fight the system will be detained in small rooms without windows and very likely denied entry altogether.

“We don’t care if you have a ticket and have never committed a felony,” continued Horseshoe. “As far as we’re concerned you are all potential terrorists and have no rights. The very fact that you might be reading is an indication that you do not support the efforts of the Television Administration and should be deported.”

The paper will reportedly hire some 10,000 security people to man various departments where subversive element may attempt to gain entry. Subscription and advertising costs are expected to skyrocket but as Horseshoe says, “Unlike the gov’ment we cannot operate within a deficit spending mode. The new expenses are bad enough but what’s worse is going through all those suitcases. Our people aren’t trained for that sort of thing.”  

– Fred Zeppelin

Workers Could be Housed at Wal-Mart

(Gunnison) In an attempt to relieve conflicts associated with a potential Big Box retailer invasion, Wal-Mart today offered to provide affordable housing to the region’s low-income residents. These persons, who could qualify for the cheap housing, are estimated to be about 15% of the population. Most are engaged in daily labor in an attempt to make ends meet in this otherwise affluent region.

Although the cloudy gesture appears to be another calculated attempt to wear down the opposition, Wal-Mart officials insist they are sincere in their efforts to provide human services for the needy. The massive merchandiser, which boasts a larger GNP than half the nations on the planet, allegedly plans to construct a Super Store north of town in the near future.

One thorn in the side of planners is the likely presence of the empty facility which now dominates the North Main skyline. City and county sources agree that vacated commercial spaces are bad for a town’s image and often scare away potential investors.

“We can tolerate the closures of a few small businesses downtown but when a large structure like a Wal-Mart sits empty it reflects poorly on the entire community. Imagine if City Market just pulled up and left a derelict facility in its wake. The results could be catastrophic!”

Wal-Mart bosses insist that no plans have been finalized for the construction of a new store but many say privately that it’s all just a matter of time.

“We’ve dealt with objections before…all over the country,” said a spokesman from the company’s corporate offices in Bentonville. “Some are well organized, some are even militant but sooner of later we get our way. Sure, we’ve decided not to go into an area due to organized opposition but generally that is dictated by simple profit and loss potential.”

The well-timed gesture of creating affordable housing could win the support of fence sitters here as well as provide the merchandiser with much needed tax breaks to go along with tax incentives already in place.

“We are exploring the possibility of condoizing our current location to provide living space for over 400 families,” said the source. “In a perfect world they would all be employees and never have to leave the premises, but we expect that others would be welcome too. Right now the project appears insurmountable but it’s amazing what a little paint and some curtains can do,” she added.

After lengthy discussion it remained unclear whether building codes and multiple family use restrictions would be affected by the plan. In addition, further considerations as to cooking facilities, proper ventilation and the effects of artificial light could send the proposition back to the drawing board before it has time to get off the ground.

“None of these preliminary maneuvers represent anything close to a done deal,” said the Wal-Mart spokesman, “but with all that asphalt out front at least parking won’t be a problem.”

– Suzie Compost