All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

ALIEN VISIT TO OLATHE COVERED UP IN CORN

(Olathe) If indications are correct aliens stopped over in Olathe back in 1947, on their way from a previous New Mexico landing site to the First ever Heeny Tick Festival. If one talks to a cross-section of residents here he will be privy to an assortment of wild tales, reenactments and yes, denials.

     One overall disadvantaged man told The Horseshoe that he spent a few days with the aliens and even taught them how to plant corn and survive the winter. Then, toward the end of November the aliens had him over for a turkey dinner. Another alleged witness to the visit says the aliens showed up at her wedding, brought her and husband Red a mighty fine toaster and then  hit the trail.

     “Delusions of this type are quite common within groups who once experienced relative peace and then, as if overnight, were wrestled to the ground by society, the system, television, general stress…whatever one wants to call it. In short, according to social scientists, the big bad beautiful world of high technology including visitors from another world) will not leave a stone unburned in its quest for control.” 1.

     Although newspaper articles are sketchy, one piece, recorded in August of 1947, talks about “out-of-towners” and their obsession with Tin Woodsman looking scarecrows that were often used in the fields to save straw. The reported was shocked to catch the visitors hauling one of the tin scarecrows onto a small, circular craft that “didn’t look anything like a Chevy pickup”. The corn field crew then told him they were just souvenir hunters and then offered to compensate the scarecrow’s owner.

     “I would have taken pictures and all but I was late to cover that week’s city council meeting where the proposed paving of Main Street was to be discussed,” said Melvin Toole, 78, of California Mesa. “That would be front page stuff.”

     Scientists at NASA, speaking with the understanding that no one would take them seriously anyway, say they think the visitors were simply trying to retrieve one of their own. They quickly added that the “aliens” were probably a Mesa College fraternity from Grand Junction or possibly a 4-H group from over in the Beehive State.

     According to an official release from the space agency, UFO watchers suffer from the Goldilocks Syndrome which, like the Peter Pan Parallel, has never been clearly defined by those who managed to coin the phrases.

     “We have observed this kind of creeping neurosis in small towns before,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, a psychologist/irrigation enthusiast from Pueblo Golf and Water World. “The treatment, although incredibly painful, can be effective. I myself rather enjoy it.”

     Lackluster, who appeared at the closing ceremonies of last year’s Olathe Sweet Corn Festival in a red chiffon evening gown and matching shoulder holster, told reporters that he’s “seen it all” and that “his patients have had a far stronger affect on him than he has had on them.”

     Many experts in the field of mass hysteria are convinced that it is too much idle time that causes this contagious condition. They feel that everyone should work two or three jobs to keep their minds off what is really going down on the planet. 2.

     What may have caused these alleged visits is still unknown 50 years later. The aliens seemed to have been polite, clean and respectful to the elderly and didn’t leave anything behind to chronicle their stop.

     “How can there be any question as to the validity to alien stopovers. Just look on the streets of our shabby little mountain towns in the summer,” said one resident. “Are you telling me these pigeons are from the same planet that I’m from? C’mon.”

     One visit that can be confirmed was that of the late Soviet Premier Nikita Krushchev to the first Olathe Sweet Corn Festival, hosted in the 1950s by the Colorow Sugar Beet Consortium. This group, in an attempt to get the smell of sugar beets out of their nasal passages turned to sweet corn for relief. In accordance with the silliness they invited Krushchev to attend.

     Nikita, as many of us still remember wanted to visit Disneyland in the worse way. His trek to Olathe may have been related to attempts to placate Washington. Unfortunately, it failed and World War III, as we all know, was the frightening result.

     Anyway, Krushchev showed up one sunny morning, checked into the Potato Palace and emerged in a pair of baggy bermudas, white knee socks and wing-tips.

     “He looked like a real turkey,” said Toole. “I couldn’t let him walk around like that so, telling him the festival was a formal affair, I gave him one of my newspaperman suits to wear. He never returned it.”

     It was during that time that the Cold War was hot. Korea was raging, China and Russia were in bed down the hall, the New York Yankees were in their prime and Joseph McCarthy, a champion of the mindless right, was pointing the finger at political enemies like a proctologist on his fifteenth cup of coffee. One can only imagine McCarthy’s reaction to a communist in the wood pile at Olathe.

     Calling farmers, Olathe, and sweet corn “soft on Communism” McCarthy effectively black listed the festival until his descent and subsequent death..

     “Our corn ain’t soft on anything,” stressed Toole. “It’s tender.”

     Despite the efforts of McCarthy and his storm troopers to sabotage the crop that year, the festival went off like a firecracker. Krushchev and his entourage had a great time and even brought home sweet corn seed which was later planted by slave labor in Siberia. Before his departure for the United Nations the Russian was give the keys to the city and in return he kissed some babies and waved from atop a 1936 Henway Concubine, a gift from the local Rotarians.

1. Atlas Shrugged by Ann Rand-McNally. Page 67.

2. The Idle Environment, by Melvin Toolini. Page 299

If anyone out there in robotland we wake onto, knows the whereabouts of Ambrose Bierce

please call Donald J Powers Jr., formerly of Silverton, Colorado.

DISPATCHES FROM THE SAN JUAN

(Late 19th Century tidbits and teasers)

Mears Accused of Bribery

(Lake City) Local entrepreneur, Otto Mears, was formally charged today with bribery in connection with an alleged buy-off of more than 150 Ute chiefs and assorted braves. The action was taken by representatives of the federal government.

     According to the allegations Mears offered the Utes $2 each for the release of some 150,000 acres of land on the east side of the Continental Divide from the Gunnison River to New Mexico territory. The two dollar payments were to act as a substitute for more than $100,000 offered by the government, at a later date.

     Said Mears: The Utes would rather have the small cash allotment now than wait for the larger amount later. He added that he had saved the United States $900,700 and that he should be thanked rather than punished.

     The Russian immigrant/railroad builder has been under the scrutiny of the authorities before due to questionable dealings with the Red Mountain Toll Road and the Ophir Loop. His close friendship with Chief Ouray and his position as negotiator with the Utes may have won him release in the past but the current charges are being pressed by Mears’ detractors at the state and federal level. A trial date has not been set.

     Mears has reportedly been in hiding at the King Solomon Mine  grooming his herd of Rocky Mountain canaries for the spring assault.

CAVIAR, FAKE PALMS GREET ROYALTY

(Telluride) When the Duke of Marlboro and the Duchess of Kent arrive in Telluride next week they will experience red carpet treatment San Juan style. In addition to feasts and mining exhibitions planned for the stay, the two will be put up at the lavish Sheridan Hotel which boasts the only indoor plumbing facilities in the county.

     According to the greeting committee made up exclusively of mine owner’s wives, the comfort facilities, which froze up last week, have been thawed out and are ready for the duke and duchess. In addition a measles quarantine, affecting most of the valley to San Miguel City, has been lifted.

     Chinese and Irish populations in the town will be restricted to Catholic Hill and kept away from the royal couple. The authorities fear Fenian activity among the Irish miners and “just don’t want the Orientals around.” The Duke, British born, has vast holdings in Ireland.

     “We will fetch the royal couple from Montrose and accompany them into town on the Galloping Goose,” said one committee member. “It’s the first time anyone like this has visited Telluride since the troubles started at the Smuggler last spring.

     Meanwhile most of the men and several of the women in town are busy growing mustaches in apprehension of the event.

     “Even though we’d rather have a king and queen of someplace we’ll take these two,” said local banker Charles Waggoner. “It’s all sort of a dry run for the summer anyway,” he smiled, “when we’ve invited 4000 Texas tourists for the Fourth of July celebration.”

Day Wins Dozen Libel Suits in Three Hours

(Ouray) David Frakes Day, editor of the controversial Ouray Solid Muldoon. was acquitted on all charges stemming from 12 separate libel suits filed since last February. The happy editor left the courthouse smiling and immediately returned to work on this week’s issue.

     Winning in court is nothing new for Day who has faced legal challenges from the beginning of his illustrious career.

     “He doesn’t like Republicans, nor mine owners, nor Utes, not upwardly mobile women,” said his attorney. “That doesn’t leave to many people around these parts. I expect to be busy with his legal representation into the next century.”

BULLY SHOT, KILLER SOUGHT

(Telluride) Marshal Jim Clark, arguably the most hated and feared man in town, was shot in the back last night while patrolling Colorado Avenue.

     For years known as a sadistic gunman who beat up miners and harassed citizens for his own enjoyment Clark will be missed by his horse. Although the killer is at large, leaders in the town say they will begin a thorough search for same just as soon as they are finished celebrating.

     Clark will be buried in the third shaft from the right at the Butterfly-Terrible Mine. No service has been scheduled.

Bunco Artist Barred From Town

(Silverton) Convicted con man, Soapy Smith, was kicked out of town Friday and warned never to return. The slippery crook was this time accused to bilking miners and watering down whiskey at his makeshift gambling hall.

     Readers will remember Smith’s antics over in Creede (another town from which he is banned from visiting) last year. According to eye witnesses there Smith claimed to have unearthed what he called The Cardiff Giant, which he claimed was a petrified corpse, from the Commodore Mine. After charging residents to see the thing Smith sold it to a traveling carnival.

     This most recent infraction reportedly had to do with Smith’s attempts to sell rare Indian head nickels, graced by the image of George Custer on the flip side.

     “The only reason we don’t hang that scalawag is because he gave out free turkeys to the needy last Christmas,” said one marshal, “and he’s nice to his mother.”

Indians Raid Rico Again

(Rico) Bands of Ute warriors attacked this remote gold camp again last night, raising hell and stealing horses. No one was injured as residents boarded themselves up and the Utes seemed satisfied with starting a few small fires and making a lot of noise.

     This is the third time this month the town has fallen under siege.

     “It’s getting to be a regular Saturday night ordeal,” said Walen Marks, mayor of Rico. “Next time we’ll be ready for them.”

     The residents of Rico have been careful not to overreact to the attacks. Many are concerned that if they anger the Utes the tribe will put a curse on their valley like they have already done to the San Miguel, the Uncompahgre, the South Fork and the Gunnison Valleys.

     “We don’t need that kind of publicity,” said Marks.

compiled fom various local news sources 1887 – 1891

Aspen Whipping outlawed in three counties

Gallows Catapulting. Arborists say…”Has no place in the olympics, winter, summer or special.” In her well received pamphlet “The Reverberations of Albinos Tanning” she equates the growing popularity of the sport to phony populist movements, twisting and bending gov’ment lies, challenges to affordability and an once-healthy economy ready to snap.

Her most intense focus is allocated to the carefully choreographed assassination  of Donald Trump in Pennsylvania by MAGA and some shadowy character trespassing on his West Palm gold course. (Think: Why did trump’s ear stop bleeding so quickly? Did he strike the defiant pose before or after shots rang out?)

“There will be plenty of golf courses in hell, “ – Rev Phil Pharisee, preaching from his high pulpit on the subject of Sunday church attendance, eternal responsibility and slothfulness.

El Sr. Magoo, furioso por las restricciones de su licencia

(Glenwood Springs) Un Sr. Magoo legalmente ciego (cuyo nombre de pila no fue revelado) amenazó con demandar al Departamento de Vehículos Motorizados local tras habérsele denegado la licencia de conducir por tercera vez en otros tantos días. Valiéndose de una serie de disfraces, el escurridizo Magoo no logró engañar a los técnicos de la oficina de expedición de licencias.

Según Geraldo McSpam —un destacado defensor de la implementación de pruebas más rigurosas en el ámbito automovilístico—, quien declaró al periódico *The Horseshoe*, Magoo es ciego y, por tanto, no se le puede otorgar una licencia.

«Tropezó con una mesa grande cuando se dirigía a mirar nuestra pantalla de prueba de visión; luego, tras no superar el examen visual, se estrelló contra una pared. Ha sido una de las puntuaciones más bajas que jamás hayamos registrado».

Magoo alega que, debido al ritmo frenético de la vida en la zona y a la falta generalizada de transporte público, necesita conducir un automóvil para poder subsistir. Por supuesto, y en consonancia con su larga trayectoria como personaje de dibujos animados, Magoo no puede sufrir lesiones graves en un accidente, ni siquiera si se precipita por un acantilado, se estrella contra una pared o, simplemente, explota.

«Les dan licencias a ancianos que conducen autocaravanas, y muchos de ellos no ven un pimiento», se quejó Magoo con acritud. «¿Y qué me dicen del sistema que otorga permisos de conducir a jóvenes de 16 años? Las estadísticas hablan por sí solas. ¿Por qué me crucifican a mí por esto? Yo pago mis impuestos. Tengo derecho a conducir».

En un intento por evitar una demanda judicial desagradable, el estado está barajando una propuesta que permitiría a Magoo obtener una licencia temporal, restringida al extremo occidental del condado de Delta y válida únicamente entre las 2:00 y las 4:00 de la madrugada, de lunes a viernes.

«No queremos verlo paseándose por la avenida principal los fines de semana ni durante las horas diurnas. Antes de las 2:00 a. m. hay muchos borrachos en la carretera, y después de las 4:00 a. m. el tráfico de vehículos agrícolas es muy intenso. La situación ya es bastante complicada de por sí», comentó McSpam. «Por cierto, ¿a quién se le ocurrió la política de conceder permisos de conducir a personajes de dibujos animados?».

— Fred Zeppelin

INVENTORA DA MEIA-CALÇA É ENCONTRADA ESTRANGULADA

(Olathe) A mulher creditada pela criação e comercialização da meia-calça foi encontrada à beira da morte em seu apartamento com vista para o mar, aqui, nesta manhã. Vítima de suas próprias invenções, Ruthie Roosterson, de 98 anos, foi socorrida e levada ao Hospital St. Roscoe’s, em Montrose. Ela faleceu poucas horas depois.

A polícia mantém sob custódia uma suspeita: Maude de Flippante, química e ex-proprietária de restaurante francês, natural de Pea Green, que certa vez alegou ter inventado a meia-calça quase três anos antes de Roosterson. Flippante, então residente na região de Limousin, na França (um país civilizado), foi prontamente presa e condenada à morte por crimes contra o bom gosto e o conforto da humanidade. Ela escapou durante uma mudança de governo em 1964 e veio para os Estados Unidos como clandestina dentro de um caixote de conhaque Martel.

Os ansiosos herdeiros de Roosterson foram notificados de sua terrível má sorte na noite passada, quando as autoridades informaram que não haveria herança, uma vez que Roosterson havia dilapidado sua vasta fortuna em caça-níqueis de apostas baixas em Tawaoc. Eles permanecem reclusos, devastados pela notícia.

A única suspeita planeja alegar inocência de todas as acusações, apesar das amostras de DNA incriminadoras encontradas no local. Um julgamento/churrasco está planejado para o final de junho no Pea Green Hall.

– Lynx Lisboa

Reminds me off The Great Gatsby

“…it is simply impossible to listen to Trump and Vance without being reminded of Nick Carraway’s famous observation about Tom and Daisy Buchanan in “The Great Gatsby”: “They were careless people, Tom and Daisy — they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.”

– Referenced by  Thomas Friedman, NY Times

Sadly, the very people that should read this book and take it to heart, do not read. They watch television and get dumber and dumber by generation. A democracy cannot survive in the face of this digression.