All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Designated Barbecue Zones Explained

(Montrose) In an attempt to reduce charcoal emissions in the Uncompahgre and Gunnison Valleys a strict design for designated barbecue days has been formulated for the good of us all. The system has been implemented  so as to check smoke pollution and encourage general safety around the grill this spring.

     This is how it works:

     Residents and visitors whose named begin with letters A – L will be permitted to legally barbecue on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, while persons whose named begin with the letters M – Z will be restricted to cooking out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Sundays are open dates when everyone can barbecue since there is diminished pollution from commercial vehicles and industry in this fragile valley that day. The sponsors of this legislation acknowledged that the program limits the culinary enjoyment of the great outdoors but feel that cleaner air will result.

     “We suggest that the citizenry construct a simple chart that clearly defines legal days to cook outside,” said Evelyn White-Fumo, of the Colorado Clean Air Consortium in Boulder. “If the dates are marked in red there should be no reason for confusion. We even have little red pens to give away complete with our logo and an emergency number in case of problems.”

     The plan, called innovative by proponents and stupid by detractors is being enacted despite the failure of other similar programs. The pilot zone concept has worked well in the flatlands but never really took off at higher altitudes. 

     Fumo reminded armed backyard chefs to avoid cooking in the wind and to keep all firearms away from open flames.

     “It’s a cultural thing,” continued White-Fumo, “since the season up here is shorter and people feel the need to take advantage of the expanded light.” – Sergio Tinkleholland

GOP EXHUMES IKE

(Gettysburg, PA) The Republican National Committee, searching for ways to defeat those Democrats in November,  has confirmed rumors that it will exhume the remains of Dwight D Eisenhower prior to its, next national convention. In what was described as a drastic step by political watch dogs, the Republicans will then place Eisenhower on the autumn ticket with George Santos as the likely Vice Presidential candidate. 

     Although revolutionary, the move is expected to increase the chances for a Republican victory in November. Behind closed doors GOP frontmen are uncomfortable with the term revolutionary since it frightens and irritates their corporate bosses. Most expressed no faith in the electability of anyone at this juncture..

     “Even if we nominate another TV personality the ticket would still lack credibility,” explained Melvin O’Toole, head carpenter of the 2012 platform. With Ike we have a proven winner who is respected and liked by everyone. I expect a lot of cross-over votes, especially in the senior citizen segment.

     Toole went on to say that just because Ike had been gone for many years didn’t mean he couldn’t effectively run the country.

     “Just look at Ronald Reagan,” suggested Toole, hammer in hand. “He ran the entire Washington circus for years with no visible life signs. He did a bang-up job unless you happened to be on the poor end of the economic scale. Wasn’t it Reagan that outspent the Russians, then exhumed the memories of Joseph Stalin and brought down the Soviet State!”

     Meanwhile the ghost of Richard Nixon (Ike’s VP from 1952 – 1960) has petitioned his old party to consider him for the top spot, saying that he was still in touch with Spiro Agnew, Henry Kissinger and all the boys from Watergate.

     “People forget,” said a spokesman for Nixon who demanded anonymity. Dick is here with us, at least in spirit.”

     A man matching the description of Nixon has been seen loitering around outside GOP headquarters here since early November.

     “If our plan works we can then run Calvin Coolidge in 2016. Now there was a man who could dazzle the voters,” he smiled.

– Warren Wanderlust

Bethlehem Innkeepers Still Jerks

Travel in the Mideast

We arrived at Quo Vadis International at noon on a hot desert afternoon, waiting another hour for the rickety bus to the tiny village of Bethlehem. All round us stood Israeli soldiers geared up for who knew what. It was mid-week during the slow season and we had made no reservations. Besides at this early hour we should have the pick of hotel rooms. 

     Despite the legacy of rude innkeepers in Bethlehem on the horizon, we boarded the bus feeling secure that we would find lodging. In about 40 minutes the bus stopped in front of a nice enough adobe-looking inn on the outskirts of the little town. Several travelers debarked to inquire about prices and availability. The bus driver was more than happy to wait. She smirked, for they would be right back. Sure enough she was right. The innkeeper apologized saying he had no rooms due to some sort of census that was being conducted all over the country. We traveled on.

     The next decent place was right in the center of town. Convenient and welcoming it featured a no frills restaurant and a large shaded porch. It would have to do. Now as several of us departed, the driver giggled and pulled over to the side of the road. This time the innkeeper was downright rude. Ridiculing us for not having made reservations ahead he muttered something in contempt and slammed down the shutters. We were now back on the bus with the driver still laughing at us for what now clearly appeared to be poor planning. 

     One fellow traveler, a Frenchman from Marseille, lamented on the brisk behavior of the innkeepers here. He was certain that they had inherited their manners from Roman times when they first began this accommodation charade. He told us that on his last trip to Bethlehem he had asked at several inns before settling in for the night in a vacant stable on the west side of town. Despite the continued parade of visitors and the presence of livestock he slept well.

     Well that was enough. 

     “Let’s dispense with all this tomfoolery and proceed to that very spot,” we agreed.

     Unfortunately when we arrived it became apparent that someone else, a young family with a newborn child had beaten us to the punch. We then specified our search in spite of the irritation of it all.

For more please turn to Joseph Gets Screwed on Endorsements out in the hall

Pea Green’s hemp-fed cows get buzz

“They just seem happier”

Local bovine that are eating hemp seem happier, more ambitious and quite well grounded, with an improved appetite say unreliable ag-sources. Although there is no discernible level of thc in the crop the animals seem more upbeat according persons knowledgable on the subject.

Beginning as an accident last spring, the change in diet has been lauded by cattlemen who say hemp is fortified with essential cow vitamins is often cheaper than hay in the long run. 

The folks over at the Lazy P Ranch, were first in creating the sustainable project, backed both by the Nature Compliance and Region Zen. Others followed suit.

“It seems to me the critters already eat like pigs. They’ve had a love of the pasture and its edible treasures since your mother was a boy, said one bored observer. “Who is talking better appetites here? Give me shelter,” he spat.

The trapdoor experiment linked to a fouled doctoral thesis has lead to combine break downs and concubines walking out. Aside from fiscal and husbandry concerns the fishwives have it pretty good already according to recent surveys.

One of these creatures, Mercurial Menendez, defensive canner and award-winning flan sculptor told The Horseshoe that the cows out there seem happier. I spend a good six hours a day watching them eat. I should know.”

At the county level nobody’s mooing as bureaucrats scramble to verify that the hemp is legal and determine how to tax the ancient crop.

-Grace O’Malley

Many Rockies Embrace Vegetarianism

In what appears to be a soft-sided protest against the owners of the franchise, many Rockies players have turned to vegetarianism. The primarily symbolic change-up in eating lifestyle comes after another year dawns without suitable pitching and with no plan to upgrade.

Controlling interest in the team is held by the Monfort Brothers, Charles and Dick, also known as “the meat men” in cynical circles on and off Blake Street. Starting with a few head of cattle during the Great Depression the Monfort family built an extensive meat empire centered at Greely, Colorado.

Along with several other minority stockholders the family acquired the Colorado Rockies baseball franchise from Mickey Monus in 1992. The latter had become embroiled in scandals related to the shady corporate pharmaceutical dealings and off-loaded the team.

“It began with meatless team meetings and burgeoned into vegan batting practice and games of pepper sans steak. Now it appears to be a subtle revolt against bad pitching and horrible management decisions. (Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story for starters).

Despite the best fans in baseball the bosses are still dragging their feet, desperately signing washed up sluggers and sub-par players to disguise their incompetence. The Rockies have consistently underperformed and, although the farm system has shined, have failed to create a winning culture in the Mile High City. While Denver sportswriters whine and fans fume, the players have been chewing on tofu and brown rice along with assorted fruits and vegetables that had been missing from the training table until recently.

How much of it is political is anyone’s guess.

Sleepy (but nice guy) Manager Bud Black, was brushed back by the development. He called it a passing fancy but a puffy administration has raised the red flag saying the players could eat what they liked as long as they kept their mouths shut on upstairs business.

“We’ve already seen the entire infield go vegan,” said one middle management source. “What are we supposed to do, sit idly by the hot dog stand while the whole team chows down on Poori-Sabzi and falafel? They’ll never survive the weight room without red-blooded protein! This not some vague fielder’s choice. This is a threat to the game.”

In an alleged attempt to steer the movement off course the Monforts have agreed to host an information night called The Humane Slaughterhouse sometime before the All-star break. Meal vouchers start at $150 not counting beer. Season ticket holders are invited free of charge.

“We’ll be carefully screening future prospects so as to spot potential troublemakers on and off the field,” said yet another team administrator. “If they don’t eat hot dogs there is no place for them on our roster.”

 -Rocky Flats, Sports Editor

Perfume spill shuts down shipping along Choco’

(Buenaventura) A massive offshore cologne spill here has crippled shipping along the entire Pacific Coast with the worse affects from Tulaco to Guapi in the south, and up north on the open shoreline near Arusi and Pizarro.

The spill, traced to a ship from Cologne, covered an area twice the size Ecuador and could threaten the Galapagos Islands.

“Imagine gallon upon gallon of an unnatural fragrance interfacing with giant tortoises, marine iguanas, flightless cormorants and even a Darwin finch or two,” said Howie “Old” Spice, Director of Direction Shifting Sands on the timeless, often mysterious chain.

The Galapagos Islands, one thousand kilometers off the shore of SA , have been called the showcase of evolution due to a population of rare species that have thrived here for centuries.

This morning, the spill is flowing south in a smooth stream. Weather gals in Guayaquil say the perfume could link up with the Humboldt Current and destroy the planet by the weekend. Scientists fear it could take months to remove the offending discharge. Neutralizing the floral scent could take years.

The alleged destination of the perfume tanker was Colombia, a nation that consumes over 2000 gallons of cologne per week…and that’s just the men.

“You can catch the odor of aftershave anywhere you go here,” said Spice. “The aroma is detectible to the trained nose in a coffee shop, on the plaza or even from a passing motorcycle. When mixed with rum or aguardiente it can be quite intoxicating.”

Many of the animals living on the Galapagos chain have successfully avoided the full brunt of the intrusion, moving to the other side of the islands and burrowing into the sands.

“Most people think the perfume merchants should pay for the damages,” said Spice, “but I see some benefits in the big picture. Let’s face it, he smiled, “ 100-year old tortoise  can’t smell all that good anyway.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

DeSantis sends guard into Never-Never Land in Disney Row

(Orlando) Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today instructed the National Guard to take possession of Never-Never Land. Furthermore he has threatened to occupy Fantasyland and Tomorrowland unless the Disney Corporation bows to his demands regarding solidarity and operational status within the state. 

Saying that Never-Never Land was abandoned years ago DeSantis, a Republican, is angry that “elements within the Disney structure have rebelled against the sitting government.”

Critics of DeSantis say he is pissed after being flanked by attorneys for Disney.

“He’s just another bully with a big mouth and no concrete ideas for the people of Florida,” said Ashrisa Washington, a Democrat from Jacksonville. 

Rumors that Goofy and Mini Mouse are being held hostage somewhere in the Everglades were repudiated this afternoon.

What is true, however, is the Disney showcasing of a new ride where both DeSantas and former President Donald Trump are swallowed up by massive seaweed bilge that threatened the Sunshine State last month.  

-Pepper Salte

“The bullpen has been a little bit inconsistent, for sure,” 

– Rockies manager Bud Black.