All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Eating garden tomatoes not a sin says Pope Leo
(Vatican) In a rare departure from socio-religious issues the leader of Roman Catholic Church today decreed that eating juicy, homegrown tomatoes was not in conflict with its teachings.
Pope Leo XIV told a throng of well-wishers in St Peter’s Square that although eating a drippy, sweet, red and meaty garden-grown tomato feels much like a mortal sin, it is not. It is not even a venial sin.
He further encourages his flock to “eat as many tomatoes as you like while the season is on”.
Pope Leo, an American, went on to say that he misses his garden in suburban Chicago and that a newly tilled one will be up and running next year in the Vatican.
“The Pontiff was too busty addressing war, poverty, starvation and racism to plant a garden this spring,” said a close aide. “Next year we hope to have corn over there (he gestured toward a basilica) and cucumbers over there. The tomatoes will be right in the middle getting full sun in the morning and shade in the afternoon.
The aide refused to comment when abruptly asked why the Vatican does not share its vast wealth with the impoverished of the planet.
Recent criticism leveled at the Church claims the religious body hoards riches and does not do enough to help the poor, especially those living in Latin America and Africa.
“Sure, they have all kinds of beneficial programs,” said one man who would like to see all of the Vatican gold redistributed to the poor.
“Isn’t that what Jesus would have done?” he smiled.
Back at St Peters the Pope told a cheering crowd that tomato sauces, stuffed tomatoes, tomato soup and even such nominally secular dishes as tomato bisque and fried green tomatoes are all fine to consume, even on meatless Fridays..
“These are not at odds with the doctrines and practices of Christianity,” said the Pope who scoffed at dispensations for eating apples.
“Especially when they are offered by snakes,” he laughed, “which is not a likely scenario.”
In closing the Pontiff warned the faithful about the pitfalls of eating genetically modified foods, which he said, is directly against the teachings of Christ and the Apostles as well as the Bible.
He also expressed distaste for what he called Christian arrogance and Judeo-Christian cherry-pickers who he said will not enter the gates of Paradise no matter how many hours they log in at a pew or Bible study.
– St Roscoe of Runnymouthe
Is the Missing Link Really Coming to Colona?
As of late August the Missing Link is slated to to speak at The International Wheelwright Convention to be held in this chic, flashpoint town. He is replacing recognized hero of the Enlightenment, Jean-Jacques Rousseau who passed away in 1778.
“We had Alexander Pope on the docket but he couldn’t commit. (He passed in 1744),” said Jim Bob Hobbes, (brother of philosopher Thomas Hobbes (who dropped dead in 1679 ) royal ringmaster of this year’s gathering.
“This is big,”said one Colona longshoreman, “bigger than the Swift-Kelsey wedding, more profound than the Martian shot, better than free lunch. It’s on par with virgin appearances and the mega snowstorms of yesteryear.”
Showing the wear of his 117 years, the Link has survived almost magically on his charm and a bit of trickery common to time travelers. Throw in a fistful of translucence and he has outwitted police as well as many of his supporters who are pestering him to retire to the antique olive presses down on his farm in Pea Green.
In short, he has bedazzled the authorities by clever shape changing and holding his breath underwater for hours. Most of his frustrated pursuers say the slippery bastard is wanted only for questioning but that could easily be defined as confinement and countless medical appraisals.
As of this morning the Missing Link is still missing, at least as detractors tell it. In the past he has avoided genetic showboating, fading into the background, unassuming yet witty. His ability to rub elbows with everyday amoeba and fairy flies and to converse with your average bush elephant only adds to his fame. His dialogues with Java Man are still considered classics by the surviving scientific community here and on Log Hill Mesa.
The last time the Link visited Colona was in 1956 when, sadly, he was run off by Piltdown sheep herders on Simms Mesa. His only crime was that of overtipping. In spite of that violent incident he refuses body guards and scoffs at rolling up the bullet-proof windshield on his patented 1936 Henway coup. Interestingly enough, after eluding the wooly predators he lost his balance executing an en dedans pirouette and spent a month on-the-mend at the prestigious Gladstone Sanitarium, under the protection of the Knights of Temperance.
Meanwhile MICE agents, anxious to deport the Missing Link, have been seen loitering around the town, highly conspicuous despite their bullying posture and clumsy efforts to blend into the small town’s goings on.
-Gabby Haze
“And now, if life isn’t rigid and stressed enough on its own, I have committed to play 18 in Montrose tomorrow.”
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole, an alleged journalist who now goes to bed at 7:30 pm, 8 on weekends.
Homo Sapiens Pride March infuriates Front Range Neanderthals
(Loveland) An all-day procession arranged by local Homo Sapiens has infuriated the more militant wing of the Denisovans, a fringe genetic group once thought to have magically dissolved, or moved to the Wyoming prairie, more than 300,000 years ago.
Local authorities, who granted the parade permit last May, have remained vigilant in attempts to reassure the Neanderthals that they are not the target of century-old frustrations and ignorance as to other groups, especially those that are anthropological cousins.
“The big word here is trust,” said one city official who demanded animosity. “I myself stopped trusting humans back in 1987 but have had rather positive, albeit limited, experiences with both the Neanderthals and Denisovans, who seem to have retained a high level of integrity over the ages.”
Leaders here hope that is true and that the climate will remain peaceful. Already the parade has been rerouted to avoid meandering through Denisovan vicinages.
Social scientists attribute the calm demeanor of these human links to the fact that they did not and do not use money in their daily lives.
“These are your father’s hunter/gatherers,” said Dr. Terrence Thimball of the Pea Green Institute. “They were too busy looking for food and warmth to worry about things like bank accounts and retirement planning. Many,” he smiled, figured earth was heaven and that the metaphysics of eternal life were still an elusive and unnecessary element in their daily survival. Life itself was short and uncertain enough that the creation of fairy tales to explain it had yet to be invented. In short, these human relatives had not figured out how to get rich on the fears of their fellows but that would soon explode into flimsy explanantions, the cornerstone in every last one of the planet’s religions.
“We must never underestimate these early humans,” continued Thimball. “Let us remember , these brave Hominims routinely faced down massive predators like charging brown bears and crafty cave lions. Imagine seducing one of these beasts from his cave then slaying it using only courage and primitive spears.
“What we’re talking about here is anatomically modern Homo sapiens,” said one city official. Let’s hope they behave better than many of their higher human descendants.
An abundance of Welcome Canadians signs were on display along the procession until ICE/Proud Boys descended on the parade and shot them. The official explanation by the trump gov’ment is their killers were acting in self-defense.
*Many Denisovans, sporting similar DNA as the above-mentioned, chose to boycott the festivities altogether in favor of Bronco two-a-days. Critics say their cluster has no tickets and plans a massive gate crashing if the team continues to operate in the shadow of slowly and poorly developing running plays in 2026.
–Tommy Middlefinger
Weaponizing Greed
Trump Administration Admits Canceling Grants
to States That Did Not Vote for Him
-headline in NY Times July 24, 2026
AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE
(Special Report The Way Back Press in 1882 )
(Ouray – 1882) According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.
Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.
He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.
After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.
After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.
According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State, Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.
“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”
Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.
“We can’t keep a eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”
Next Month: Highlights of trump’s conversation with the former President and Late Teddy Roosevelt
“Nobody outside of a judge’s chamber or a baby carriage believes in an unprejudiced point of view’.
– Lillian Hellman
Incompetent fascists on parade
The Trump administration hasn’t accomplished any of its war aims. The Iranian regime is intact, perhaps even more hard-line than before the war now that the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps appears to exert greater control. There has been no unconditional surrender; Iran still possesses substantial stocks of highly enriched uranium; it still possesses a formidable missile arsenal; and it still supports terrorist proxies that wage war against Israel.
