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Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year

(Washington) Someone’s federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.

     In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.

     “It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.

     “Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.

     Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.

     “These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”

     Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.

     “We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”  

– Melvin Toole


On November 24 we incorrectly reported that Colombia was engaged in the sterilization of Pablo Escobar’s hippies when it should have read Pablo Escobar’s hippos. We are sorry if anyone became confused disoriented or contaminated by this miscue.

I Love Lucy Episodes Can’t Be Stopped

(Hollywood) Subsequent showings of the once prime time I Love Lucy  cannot be terminated electronically, and will continue to blanket the airwaves for many years to come according to most network sources in Southern California. The programs, which have run in succeeding order, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, one after the other, for the past month, seem to have a mind of their own.

     “The whole things has an enchanted nature about it and in truth shows more creativity than this medium has seen since the Fifties,” said a published report. “Even if one entity owned all the TV stations in the country the phenomenon would no doubt continue.”

     The Lucy episodes began appearing on every network in America immediately following an Federal Communications Commission sell-out which allows for the further exploitation of the public air waves by rich, special interests seeking control of information. The recent FCC ruling allows for a relaxation of restrictions on multiple holdings across the country and opens the door to controls by the privileged few.

     “These are the fat cats that helped bankroll Dubya’s takeover,” said the source. “Now they are reaping the benefits of promised pay backs.”

     According to media watchdog groups these torturous displays of neurotic repetition are either an attempt by the government to distract the populace or could be the beginnings of an alien invasion of the planet.

     FCC sources tell us that they are studying the problem and hope to get to the bottom of the riddle before the new shows come out next fall. In the meantime it’s Lucy or the test pattern. Independent stations and public television representatives have expressed concern that their signals are being interrupted and/or sent indiscriminately into outer space.

     Despite a slight drop in ratings the changes in format have not been detected by our regular viewing audiences.

     “I especially enjoy the segments where Fred and Ethyl (Mertz) are featured but I don’t care for all the nightclub hype with Ricky Ricardo,” said one FCC clerk. “It just doesn’t seem real to me, but I’m a big cop show fan.”    

     Consumer advocates are boiling at the these developments but continue to echo the same mantra: You will not learn a damn thing by watching television. It makes one stupid. It is a waste of time. They further insist that the only way to combat Big Brotherism is simply to turn the damn thing off. – Fred Zeppelin

Halloween – A Celtic Thing

From the outside the newspaper business looks pretty basic, but it gets complicated fast. The publisher is in Brasil this week, engaged in beach frolic while the often responsible managing editor is out betting against the Broncos. That leaves me here with Freddy Kruegar, The Mummy and an assortment of zombies, vampires and skeletons on a slow news day no less, to do everything. Morbid decorations.

Let’s see here…halitosis….hallelujah…ah yes, Halloween. It seems the perfect subject matter for late October.

While the observation of Halloween in this country carries an array of perceptions and conceptions, it is quite a different experience on the Celtic Isles of Scotland and Ireland where the Hallow E’en celebration or Oiche Samhain originated. To the Pre-Christian Celts, Halloween was a sacred pagan holy day where it was believed that the spirits of the dead could return to their former life and make contact with the spirits of the living. In that ancient society, dominated by the enlightened and mysterious Druids, Halloween was an end of the summer fire feast where the gods were thanked for a rich harvest.

The Manx called it Hoptu Naa and the Welsh called it Calan Gaeaf.  In the Gaeltacht of Western Ireland the people call the celebration Pooky Night, named after the mischievous Puka, a fairy of some regard. Either way it was all pretty much the same big carnival  at a time of the year when the crops were in and magic was said to be most potent. In addition, it represented the mid-point in the Celtic calendar and the entry into the dark phase of the year.

The tradition of costumes originates on these islands too. Where merrymakers would mimic or placate the dead with painted faces and ghoulish attire. They were short on super hero outfits, and pre-fab plastics with accessories, so they had to rely on the magic itself to pull off their disguise. In Ireland and Scotland today many people simply done the white face paint and black robes in an attempt to continue this tradition – the cycle of birth and death in line with the order and harmony of the universe…a far cry from our  commercial Halloween.

The practice of trick or treat (called mumming in Ireland) has been traced to the Celts too, as well as the Romans who invaded England. These conquerors sought to honor their Goddess Pomona, protector of the harvest, whose symbol was the apple, now an inherent part of Halloween celebrations. All of these feasts carried the unifying belief in the powerful symbolism of the moving dead, prayed for by the living

All was well until Pope Boniface IV decided that people were having too much fun. He turned the whole shooting match into a holy day of obligation where the faithful faced mandatory Mass attendance and an assortment of restrictions. The Pope could not accept the idea of a special day for all of the dead so he turned it into a day for just the blessed dead…All Saints Day. If you didn’t go along with the Pope on this one your crops would fail and your livestock would die mysteriously. Blasphemers, pontifically defined, would certainly spend eternity in the Netherworld

The Jack-O-Lantern also came from these isles but was carved from a large turnip since pumpkins were not indigenous to the Irish soil. The legend tells of a greedy gambler, Stingy Jack, who once tricked the devil and was condemned to eternally wander the earth at night. The lantern was placed outside to help him find his way and, possibly to keep him out of the flower beds, off the lawn and from peeking in the windows. The more bountiful pumpkin, used today to create the frightening, toothy faces on the jack-o-lantern, only came into play after early settlers brought it back to Europe (along with the potato) from the Americas.

Although the origins of our Halloween are clearly Celtic, Day of the Dead observances are popular in Mexico, Egypt, Guatemala, and the Caribbean. In Michoacan, Oaxaca, Chiapas and Merida, on the Yucatan children receive little chocolate sculls and families build altars piled high with food and the things the deceased loved one enjoyed in life. The altars are then decorated with marigolds to honor the dead. Pan de muertos (Bread of the dead) is baked to accentuate the feasting.

In Chichicastenango, Guatemala a massive procession begins at one end of town and strolls to the other. Along with the Jesus and Mary statues the alternative Creole deity, Rahsheeman, rides elevated through the streets. Sugar cane liquor is everywhere. Cannons are fired and bedlam is not far off. Up father north, at haunting Nebaj, the naturales engage in inebriated horse races which are quite a sight to behold (from the sidelines with a plate of Hilachas).

In Cariacou, Grenada the party starts in the evening at the local boneyard where graves are turned into bars and everyone toasts dead relatives throughout the night. Fortune telling takes second fiddle to the consumption of under-de-counta (under the counter) a fortified (99% proof) rum from Trinidad fermented with spices and reputed aphrodisiacs. Now these folks really know how to throw a party. Chevere Boo, Babies !

Reader Prompts More Than Bells and Whistles Says Judge

(Colona) Methods of reader inducement, employed by a local website to increase domain traffic, is instead goading rather than simple encouragement says a county judge here.

In addition, the albeit questionable premiums guaranteed by may be bogus in that not one reader has received anything since 1977.

“The oh-so-many slogans gushed from the gob of are a far cry from the bells and whistles originally promised,” Justice Mary Lee Lewis explained to a packed quartroom Thursday.

“The publishers of the gossip organ were subpoenaed ad testificandum decades ago and have only appeared today after threat of incarceration. We have them in our grasp and intend to act within the full force of what is good in this culture,” she said glaring at the defendants.

According to an aid-memoire released by the same court in 1980 the Horseshoe, then a monthly newspaper used threats, bullying, literary pressure, food deprivation, sleep manipulation, political cadres on the lawn, tedious hunter safety classes, forced grammar reassignment, electric shocks and in extreme cases…cattle prods.

“We never used political cadres on the lawn,” cried Kashmir Horseshoe, who stands to lose his 3000-acre Vicuna ranch if convicted. “They always watched from the street or alley. Otherwise, even a hint of accountability is out the window.”

Horseshoe went on to claim that most humans are stupid, lazy and needed to be reeducated as to the proper way to embrace the natural thought patterns of the cosmos.

“Forms of inspiration vary from culture to culture,” chided the judge. “Plato talked about this. So did the Tao masters and the people that discovered uses for the agave plant.

“Let’s face it once and for all: The Spanish Inquisition was never really about conjunctions, the past perfect or irregular verbs,” she said, “but it certainly fit in nicely when it came to the disappearances and depopulation of Spanish heretics and other troublemakers.

“1984 was not about 1984 either,” she choked, holding back tears amid the tensions of a highly emotional venue.

Horseshoe plans to counter sue the state of Colorado claiming political prisoner status or incompetence to stand trail, whichever is easiest.

 -Uncle Pahgre

Police Visibility On Upswing

Police Visibility On Upswing

Local authorities are hopeful that an increased visual police presence will help discourage gang activities, the meth epidemic and traffic congestion in Montrose. The larger than life letters can be seen from 35 strategic spots in the city and from outer space.