All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Incompetent fascists on parade
The Trump administration hasn’t accomplished any of its war aims. The Iranian regime is intact, perhaps even more hard-line than before the war now that the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps appears to exert greater control. There has been no unconditional surrender; Iran still possesses substantial stocks of highly enriched uranium; it still possesses a formidable missile arsenal; and it still supports terrorist proxies that wage war against Israel.
Chinese Pondered Hostage Advantages
(Bejing) President Xi Jinping of China considered leaning on the traditional and often methodical hostage taking of the antiquity during the recent Bejing Summit, but decided his American guests would be of more useful to China if allowed to continue in their positions in the United States government.
According to unreliable sources in Shanghai high party officials discussed the matter but came to the same conclusion. Called a “no brainer” by the military the decision to leave the pieces in place was seen as the path of least resistance.
“All this pageantry and flamboyance is simply a facade,” said noted economist Moon Yat-sen. “This is about money.”
Besides Trump, Xi could have nailed and jailed top tier MAGA boosters Marco Rubio, Elon Musk, Scott Bessent, Stephen Miller, and Pete Hegseth as well as Eric and Lara Trump, all of whom are quite wealthy and could have easily paid reasonable ransom requests to their Chinese hosts for catch and release issues often associated with diplomacy of this type. Insiders here strongly suggest that if the administration leaders were seized as pawns in the greater picture, the president would simply throw them to the wolves and get more toadies to do his bidding.
Back in January the current administration attempted to trade former Head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem for Chinese dissident journalist Jimmy Lai, calling his incarceration a “provocation and vexation of his freedom of speech”. This sneak preview allegedly went down in January while ICE simultaneously attacked and arrested people in Minneapolis for exercising their freedom of speech on the streets of Minneapolis.
-Fred Zeppelin
QUEBEC CLAIMS ROCKIES OFF WAIVERS
The city of Quebec has recovered its NHL honor a la hockey, by raiding a poorly performing Major League Baseball franchise, it was confirmed this morning.
Although details are sketchy, a cash and players to be named later arrangement is already in place. The Tit-for-Tat move takes advantage of the Colorado Rockies’ dismal start, its continued poor performances and its comfort zone in the basement. It was a squad quite well on its way to losing 100 games again this season.
The long defunct Quebec Nordiques, under extreme financial pressure back in 1995, were sold and moved to Denver where the well-loved Canadian troupe became the Colorado Avalanche. Now the stumblebum Rox are likely headed north.
The Nordiques played in the NHL. 1979 – 1995
The Nordiques, in their heralded red fleur-de-lis jerseys, played at the Colisée de Québec and were intense rivals with the Montreal Canadiens. Stars included Michel Goulet, Peter Stastny, and Joe Sakic.
The near-total lack of English-language media limited the Nordiques’ marketability even in their best years, and made many non-French-speaking players wary of playing for them.
May 1975 The team relocated to Denver where it won the Stanley the first year there. 1976 & again in 2001
- Standouts included Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, Owen Nolan, Mike Ricci, Wendel Clark, Andrei Kovalenko, Adam Deadmarsh, Martin Rucinsky, Scott Young, Bob Bassen, Claude Lapointe, Chris Simon, Rene Corbet
- Defense: Adam Foote,
Then the final piece, Hall of Fame goalie Patrick Roy, was acquired by the Colorado Avalanche in a blockbuster trade with the Montreal Canadiens on December 6, 1995
The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup in their first season (1995-1996) in the Mile High City after moving west from Quebec.
“Rockies like a wounded animal that needs love”
Upon hearing that Canada had adopted the professional baseball team, the entire country prepared a gala welcome.
“We aren’t expecting miracles up here considering the past few years in Denver but maybe the team can cut its losses at 80 or even 75?” whistled a front-tooth warrior from Montreal.
The familiar cap logo CR will soon be QG with fleur de lis in place. The former Colorado Rockies will now be known as Quebec Grand-peres after a popular Quebecois dessert.
“What are we going to do for a goalie?” Asked one Rockies’ outfielder. We have one of the best catchers in the league in Hunter Goodman. While many of our younger players look forward to slamming others into the boards we must learn to play the full three quarters from face-off to final.”
Meanwhile the new ownership has undressed concerns of players and fans. Will skates or spikes dominate the locker room floors? Will the team pull the infield in to prevent a power play? How would extra innings be handled? Just how hard is it to complete a hit-and-run in French? How might sliding into second on thin ice affect one’s penalty minutes?
As expected, skating lessons will replace batting practice and high sticking is now encouraged, delegated to aggressive performance at the plate. Catcher’s chest protectors, chewing sunflower seeds, sliding into the net, stealing bases, off-sides, blue lines, penalty boxes, dugouts, foul balls and bases on balls will be prioritized, provisioned, often hand-fed to the Canadian fan base.
“Due to the success and popularity of our Toronto Blue Jays we have educated followers and a savvy throng of enthusiasts up here,” said another hockey puck collector from Laval.
Over on Blake Street, Coors Field will be demolished and quickly replaced by rough and ready apartment houses that look like old warehouses and industrial depots ——- like Denver’s good old days before the Lo-Do hype.
“We Canadians will never forget that you stole our team and look forward to meeting these high altitude interlopers on the ice real soon,” spat an anxious Nordiques supporter who said he felt betrayed and predicted that the first Avalanche squad to play here would get an icy response.
-Fred Zeppelin
TV Dinners Preserved in Idarado Tunnels
(Red Mountain) Skeleton crews monitoring activity underground have discovered a large cache of TV dinners stored far below the rocky surface here. Stashed in the mine’s miles of tunnels, the self-contained fare is believed to have been left their by retreating workers when the mine closed down in 1978.
“Although not particularly astounding, the find indicates that TV dinners might survive for years even centuries in a controlled environment,” said Marcia Mollyore, head of Gentle Geology, a local firm. “Prior to this disclosure we thought Velveta cheese and Spam were the most sustainable substances yet invented. The importance herein is the alteration in thinking, the modification of philosophies on the classic shelf lives of what we consume.”
Despite the discovery Mollyore confirmed that she would continue embracing a strict diet of chicken livers, red lettuce and diet soda in hopes of achieving immortality.
“What may be important now is the glimpse of eating habits that this has afforded us. With a little luck we can put together another piece of the puzzle as to preferred foods of the 20th Century.”
Mollyore went on to explain that geologists had grown to accept that miners carried pie cans filled with sandwiches and hardboiled eggs and drank black coffee. Mounds of carefully chronicled statistics on the subject will have to be destroyed she said so as to make room for new data.
“Our thinking has been wrong…wrong…wrong!” explained a now visibly upset Mollyore. “How could we have been so stupid with the truth lurking at our fingertips, just below ground all this time!”
Further snooping has begun to indicate that miners may have had primitive heating methodology as well as access to a wide selection of tools as well as random television reception in narrow shafts and doghouses way down below.
– Gabby Haze
One National Forest is Enough, Trump-O-Mattic Congress Concurs
(Washington) Sources within the Tycoon Administration confirmed rumors that it is making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Western Colorado or Utah.
Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be used to produce weaponry. Then, after the picnic tables and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated to strategic hamlets, the pseudo neocons can get on with the business of “natural resource management.”
The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, which include Vice President Junior Vance and others who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for bags of gold, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.
“Maybe we’ll just turn entire states into parks,” said one MAGA boy. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” he said. “If it’s Colorado we’ll just cut all federal funding. We’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the federal highways are already going to seed so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing, too much access or plowing them under for the rural effect.”
Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America (formerly deported) may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”
“I just don’t see a problem,” offered a Trump enthusiast. “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls already up and running. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and Orange Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2029,” said the spokesman. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”
A plan is already in the works that would show repetitious footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.
Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary component. Proponents say that does not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.
“Then our allies can come in and mop up just like they’re doing all over the planet. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to the mindless pursuits of survival. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a Constitutional amendment to stretch the current clown show dynasty into 16 years instead of 12”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Local Brothels Step Up to Bat in Affordable Housing
(Manana) Local bordellos have joined in the struggle for “affordable housing” by dropping hourly and all-night tariffs in many locales. The discounts, which are reportedly in effect until tourist season mark the first time the sex industry has jumped onboard to help relieve pressure of the well-healed homeless and other fiscal refugees in Western Colorado.
It was not clear which bawdy houses were all-in on the plan which was described as symbiotic by local officials who have begged ignorance as to the existence of these pleasure parlors in their rigid, god-fearing image of the region.
Employee housing and other ongoing fiascos could be considered in the controversial move, leading several towns to turn their collective heads on the morality of the developments.
“Sometimes demand dictates bedfellows, strange or not,” said one town manager.
-Tommy Middlefinger
