All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Gluttony Replacing Travel in US
(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.
“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”
Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel all but impractical.
“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” he quipped.
POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING
(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State College here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along with the more traditional crops.
Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.
Rockies Pull Goalie
(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that they will play the remainder of the season with an open net. In a radical departure from tradition, the team will rely on quick aggressive play in lieu of the unattended goal at the other end of the diamond.
“This is only phase one of our plans to revamp the club and mold a winner,” said an unidentified source in the front office of the National League basement dwelling franchise.
“We feel the team has a better chance to win games with five infielders than with the traditional four and a goalie. Most goalies represent a late inning save, a concept foreign to the Blake Street Bummers. He only get in on 40% of the action while a good backup at shortstop can make or break you.
“Modern professional sports demand hard decisions and constant change, even trading off budding stars to save money,” he explained.
“First we dumped popular players because we thought they were getting old and that we needed to concentrate on pitching,” he explained. “That didn’t work even though we sold the farm for several starting pitchers. Then we discovered speed and defense but still lost a lot of games by a run or two.”
Although the season looks a lot like last year, the team is making money and is easily under the salary cap. Populating the outfield with also-rans and beefing up the relief staff with the cast-offs from other clubs often looks good on ledgers but not from the stands.
“Rather than building team chemistry and relying on a solid farm system to provide talent, the Rockies appear to be playing catchup and may have to go shopping again to avoid a complete embarrassment in 2025. The owners have reached their credit limit, at least where their fans are concerned,” offered former Rocky, Manny Taggmiotte, who is doing ten to twenty in the Dominican Republic for stealing bases during winter league play in 2023.
“Sure we know it’s tough to pitch at Coors Field but what’s wrong with winning games 10-9? The weather is great and the ball flies right out of the place. Considering the attention span of most modern day fans a pitcher’s battle just isn’t that entertaining.”
The team travels to Saint Louis for the start of a three-game series Friday. It will be interesting to see if the new approach will fly with the high scoring Red Birds or if anyone will even notice.
“It makes me nervous playing without a goalie,” said one infielder, “but I guess these are desperate times and we’re tired of being in the basement at the All-Star break. But what the hell, tomorrow’s pay day again.” – Rocky Flats
AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE
(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents after a long, harsh winter.
The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.
“Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”
Historically the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.
“Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at the giant question mark at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Boogeyman Gets Chair
(Nightmare Chronicles) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 40 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms. Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday, while the Boogeyman’s enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2002.
– Bunny Trimble
“If you’re going to make an empire you have to break some legs.”
– Col. Wormwood Omelet, Manila, 1901.
LOCAL COW GIVES GUINNESS
(Ridgway) A Swiss Brown cow, appropriately named Brownie, continues to fill pint glasses full of rich, creamy Guinness Stout according to Onfre DesPlants, the gifted bovine’s legal guardian. At last count Brownie had thrilled thirsty alpine audiences with more than 17,000 gallons of the popular brew.
Sources across the sea expressed concern that the zealous cow might create an imbalance in trade since the United States may find it unnecessary to import kegs of Guinness, leaving the Irish brewery anxiously searching for new markets.
“Ironically enough Brownie was sent to the U.S. as a gesture of friendship in 2017,” said Sean McCoxcomb, a former dairy farmer from Waterford who now spends his days taste testing a variety of intoxicants for little or no pay. “We thought if we donated a few logistical awards to influential parties in North America we might continue to enjoy favored nation status no matter what the political climate here in Ireland. Imagine receiving a fully mature Swiss Brown in the mail,” he laughed. “That’s bound to gain someone’s attention.”
The cow’s efforts have already generated a lucrative industry in Ouray County with over 20 people employed in the many small storage units and another 50 at the main Brew Barn, located across the river.
Brownie has brought renewed credibility to the struggling ranching profession,” said DesPlants. “Already there’s talk of a bottling plant going into the Old School Building and a pipeline has been discussed to bring Brownie’s nectar to market.”
The beauty of the current situation is that Brownie appears to be quite satisfied eating sagebrush, willows and piñon nuts, all of which are available in abundance in the surrounding country. Recently compiled statistics even suggest an increase in tourist traffic due to the phenomenon.
“I’m not letting any of those loony birds near Brownie,” said DesPlants. “She’s sensitive to flash bulbs and polyester. Besides, all the commotion could cause her to plug up. I’ve seen it before.”
DesPlants went on to describe the tragedy of another bovine, a fragile Hereford named Lady Bird, who reputedly gave chocolate milk on a daily basis back during World War II. Apparently the cow, owned by local rancher Walter Domka, kept local kids happy despite rationing and other inconveniences endured during those troubled times. After the war she was acquisitioned by the government for psychiatric testing, and later branded a Communist sympathizer during the McCarthy witch hunts. Undaunted by these marginal setbacks the resolute dairy cow changed her name, moved to Utah and was elected mayor of Blanding, serving in that capacity through most of the Fifties.
Most readers will recall the saga ofWest Dallas Porkie, the nervous, politically correct chicken that laid square, geothermal eggs, and Hoss the two tone, multi-ethnic quarter horse that shat Cuban cigars along the shores of Cow Creek until his untimely demise (an Oklahoma hunter mistook him for a gelding cheroot in 1967) just two days before his 26th birthday.
Anyway, getting back to Brownie, the economic impact continues to marvel even the most sardonic of cowpunchers. Just yesterday local resident and clothing designer, Ralph Lauren, owner of the Double RL Ranch, west of Ridgway, announced a new line of ladies’ on-the-hoof ranch wear bearing a likeness of the cow. Lauren, who is reportedly scouring the lower Manhattan garment district in search of a suitable mate for the gifted Brownie, plans an extensive collection of perfumes in honor of the stout-hearted celebrity.
“Some of them have even been jawing about movie rights,” said DesPLants, “but we’ll have to wait until her book comes out first.”
Brownie’s literary agent refused to embrace a common agenda with regards to publication dates saying that her client is quite satisfied producing a monthly column in the San Juan Horseshoe about the evils of temperance.
“She’s been busy with the writing, the demands of her early morning milkings and assorted charity work with the disadvantaged over in Telluride,” said the agent, a stodgy, dark woman from Yonkers. “She barely has time to entertain a whirlwind over-the-sea romance with Finbar, a young Hibernian Shorthorn from County Mayo. Finbar, whom locals insist secretes 100-proof Jameson on major holy days, is a graduate of Trinity Ag School and former ambassador to Holstein-Friesian.
The two met while visiting a veterinarian in Ayrshire in May.
Despite the outcome of the bovine romance, spirits are up in Ridgway.
“The Santa Fe and Chinchilla Northern is already laying track in apprehension of yet another boom,” chirped DesPlants. “Hell, maybe even the Little Chef will reopen.”
– Rex Montaleone
The Kerry Man Cannot Be Fooled!
(Editor’s note: Just so our reader gets a little dry behind the ears
we wanted to reprint a joke heard in Dingle a few years back…)
An American balloonist took off from London and headed west over the Irish sea as planned. He passed over Dublin, then Kilkenny but when he attempted his descent he was pushed and pulled by gusty winds and sent farther west of his destination. Concerned, he made the proper adjustments but still continued to flow west. Soon, after dropping some elevation he found himself over what appeared to be County Kerry, drifting out in to the open Atlantic and big trouble.
Just as he passed over what he thought was the Dingle Peninsula he saw a Kerryman out working in his fields. As a last resort he yelled down to the man: “Excuse me sir but…but where am I?”
The man looked up, surprised and responded, “You can’t fool me. You’re up in that little basket hanging from a hot air balloon.”
