All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Polsters See Boo Wave October 31
(Lake Ontario, New Mexico) The Mid-Term elections are a few days away and the pollsters have relaxed their bantering, their jabbering about numbers and prospects that no one can fully predict. Now these same talking whippets are on to new territory: The alleged Halloween Boo Tidal Wave, a phenomenon of its own making that many say will rock the electoral process and set the country on a different path.
“We’ve covered the Boo Crew too,” cried one network plug-in, even though it’s about basketball or something.”
Actually the reference to the Boo Crew is about baseball and the Milwaukee Brwers winners of the 2026 World Series. Oh Ya! Wait. Did I just see Bob Ueker in the stands or …back behind the plate?
Many Porn Stars Do Not Use Real Names
(Lake Ontario) Fearing identity theft and worse today’s leading pornography icons have taken to using aliases in lieu of given names. While many of the monikers are clearly outlandish, some sound quite normal, minus the traditional onomatopoeia and sexual innuendo.
Often reigning in confusion over duplication of stage names, sets must be constructed so as to accommodate a host of prima donnas and difficult personalities.
“These people are not the easiest to work with,” said one director who said his name was John Doe. “They all want top billing while their integrity stops at the bedroom door.”
The entire industry was pushed to the brink of chaos last March when it was announced that over 600 porn jobs would be exported to emerging countries due to fiscal and professional demands on the part of porn stars here.
“While we realize that careers in this thin-skinned industry are short, there is no need to get greedy,” said Doe, “just because everyone else exhibits this devious behavior.”
Doe pointed to politicians as another immoral group that tends to use family names even though they are often caught with their pants down as well.
“I don’t know why these actors and actresses are making it so tough on everyone else,” he frowned. “They are in effect cutting their own throats. There are unlimited opportunities for them as lobbyists when they are finally over the hill in the entertainment industry.” – Dieter Upinshads
“You must focus on vocabulary. A mastery of words to do with sports, food, dance, finances and women. That will pretty much get a bright lad like you what he might need in any culture.”
– Justo Hipolito, Concordia, Argentina, 1903.
“Frugality at another’s expense is no virtue.” – Uncle Pahgre
Columbus Day Planned on the Navajo Nation
Excitement is in the air here at the 15th Annual Columbus Day Celebration planned for October 12 in Tuba City. Some 100 floats and 2000 dancers are expected to grace the main street, eclipsing craft booths and food stalls. Clowns and jugglers will no doubt entertain the children while the adults will be treated to horse races and high stakes bingo.
At 5 pm we will begin a Columbus Buffet with Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria portions! One doesn’t need a crow’s nest to see that we mean to have fun!
Sponsored by the local chamber of commerce, Navajo Columbus Day is in no way connected to the Cortez Corners Rodeo, the Juan Pizzaro Festival and Art Show, the DeSoto Pow Wow or the Father Junipero Serra Mission Feast Day and Chili Cook-off.
“This is our festival alone and even though Christopher Columbus never set foot in Tuba City many of his influences were felt here and still linger,” said Omar Cayenne of nearby Moenkopi.
Columbus Day allows for members of our tribe to socialize and pay tribute to a great American, even though he was a racist, murdering Spanish Conquistador.
The evening will feature fireworks and a watermelon-eating contest along with live bands until midnight.
“It’s fitting that we celebrate this day since without Columbus many of us wouldn’t be here on the reservation today,” smiled Cayenne.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Hey…you broke the President!” – from We’re All Bozos on This Bus by Firesign Theater, circa 1970.
Who’s been eating my tomatoes?
Rogue raiders are munching on my garden by moonlight while I snore away just feet from the crime scene. I never had this problem when I grew cannabis.
People tell me it’s raccoons, which makes sense considering the fact that the tomatoes were surgically removed with no sign of a struggle. The prize was stolen without upsetting so much as a leaf but I noticed some chewed stalk ends.
Nothing else has been taken. My peppers are fine and my green onions are untouched. They just want my tomatoes. I even left them some Olathe Sweet Corn that had been nibbled down to the stalk but still had the aroma. They ignored it. May they burn in raccoon hell, if in fact they are raccoons at all. It could be marauding badgers.
Last night I slept in a lawn chair with shotgun across my lap, then at 3 am I heard something creeping around but it was only a mule deer quite content to eat from my apple trees. I need to get some sleep tonight.
I wrapped floodlights around a nearby tree and poured cayenne around the plot. Now I have bad hip-hop music set to go on at the smallest provocation. It will wake up my neighbors but I don’t like them anyway. There the hoses are rigged, buckets in the trees and baited traps everywhere.
Maybe a hand grenade strung up with concertina wire? That would probably only get the attention of the sheriff’s department.
And they were still green, still babes on the vine, little green innocents who had never been able to experience adult life. Cannibals! Murderers! Show yourselves!
Birds wouldn’t eat the many and they’d leave white poop tracers everywhere. Mice wouldn’t make it past the cat patrols. My neighbors’ chickens aren’t capable of the multi-tasking required to land a tomato. It’s got to be those reintroduced wolves! Damn liberals – We told them the wolves and tomatoes did not mix.
Someone suggested I trap the culprits, haul them off and leave them to their own devices up on the Uncompahgre Plateau. That could work if I knew the approximate size of the bandits. I guess I could use tomatoes as bait but that would seem counter-productive.
I had about 50 in tight little clusters, still quite green but growing bigger in the Rocky Mountain sunshine. Hot weather stunted them.
I don’t care if the mule deer eat my apples. I am not upset by the elk nibbling on my lawn and mosquitoes making their last stand eating me. These ruffians dragged off my mail order scarecrow from last year. The few tomatoes I have enjoyed are among the best I have ever tasted. Nice, big and juicy. Wait a little longer for the salsa, wait for the stews, and wait for the BLT. Deprived of my crowning harvest…
Now I’ve come to find out that my neighbor’s garden has been invaded as well. How dare they put the entire community at risk just for their selfish stomachs. At this altitude it can be taxing to grow anything much besides weeds like cannabis. Have they no empathy? Who would think it? This backstabbing wildlife crime, this vile trespass.
Now the victim has become the hunter. It’s not the coyotes out in their pasture dens. They don’t at tomatoes. It’s not the Cat Lady’s crew from next door. It’s not the neighbor’s dumb, barking dogs or the cattle that call this place home. It’s not the local mountain lions or even the bear that would make a lot of racket and leave a mess behind.
“It’s not my responsibility to see that these little intruders go to bed happy with a full tummy”.
I even bought bad boy bacon that I realize will kill me but tastes so good with homegrown tomatoes. Next year peppers, zucchini squash, green onions, cannabis and yes, more tomatoes.
Then on the third night out in the lawn chair something frightening happened. A space ship appeared and several floating, transparent beings exited the craft. I stayed as quiet as I could. They were there for my tomatoes. Could not believe my eyes when…
To be continued
Elk Bugling Classes Told
Learn to bugle like an elk in just three short weeks with our Super Emersion program. Pass by Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse in Colona for application and possible fiscal assistance arrangements. Classes now forming at Ed’s Mobile Liver and Onion Wagon for the 2027 rutting season. Saturday mini-exposure sleepovers at the Ouray Poor Farm. Herd discounts weekdays. Horny instructors always. Wapiti insurance happily accepted.
Electoral college eyeballs Montrose
The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant, the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.
After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.
Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2035. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.
The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.
Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.
– Hopper “Flash” Floode
(We) “could be court-martialed… and condemned to take a walk up Ladder Lane and down Hemp Street.” – conversation among castaway discussing the dangers of mutiny in The Wager by David Grann. Ladder Lane refers to the steps up the scaffold and Hemp Street is the hangman’s rope.
