All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

SUPER MOSQUITO DEVELOPED

Special from The Juneau What

(Skagway AK) It will take more than a SWAT team to get rid of pesky mosquitoes in the future, according to Dr. Ralph “Needlenose” Schtinkter, a researcher at the King Albino Crab Laboratory here, who claims to have developed the first repellent-resistant mosquito.

     We’ve been working day and night to cross-breed over 37 different gnats, deer flies, mosquito and hornets to come up with a buzzing parasite one simply can’t kill,” said the doctor.

     “Normal pesticides and sprays have little or no effect plus we’ve even quasi-engineered their flimsy little bodies so they can literally bounce back after being slapped flat by a swat or a newspaper,” he continued.

     The laboratory has been running three shifts daily so as to be ready by the start of summer tourist season. Schtinkter complimented his staff on its work under extreme pressure saying that dedication like this is rare.

     “But the best thing about all this is that our super mosquito no longer needs to breed in standing water. Now the little sucker can breed anywhere!”

     According to fellow scientists in Alaska the new breed will also boast a lifespan of over 150 years, close to double that of your everyday human.

     “If he’d only used his genius for good instead of experimental insect cloning we might be seeing an enormous wheat harvest, expanded rice reserves or larger sheep,” said one critic, “but that is not the case. It is clear that the chemical companies have him in their back pockets.”

     If final numbers match up the bionic mosquito crop will be disbursed southward, thanks to a system of industrial fans stretching from Yakutat Bay to the Aleutian Islands. They are expected to mate with the existing population, adopting genetic superiority and thriving on the plethora of unprotected mammal victims.

     “What their presence could do to the killer bees, or the price of petrol is anyone’s guess,” said one researcher.

“Less than a quarter of Americans expect A.I. to have a positive impact on K-12 education, arts and entertainment, how people do their jobs, the economy, personal relationships or happiness over the next 20 years.” – Oren Cass, NY Times

Mideast Earthquake Could Seal Peace

(Tel Aviv) A major earthquake which has completely severed large chunks of Palestine and Lebanon  from Israel may be the first real step toward lasting peace in the region. According to scientists on the scene, volcanic action centered some 150 miles out in the Mediterranean Sea has completely manipulated geologic faults from Syria to Egypt.

     As seismic information becomes available it appears that the West Bank and Gaza, two locations of extreme dispute since 1948, have been surgically removed from Asia Minor and are now floating out toward Cyprus taking millions of Palestinians for the ride of their lives. While some are in shock as to the acute transformation others see it as the best chance for a distinct homeland, apart from Israel.

     Although many of the uprooted populace still works in Israel most feel the space will alleviate pressure and allow the peace process to thrive. Many view the break as a chance to create a new economy and solve chronic problems such as burgeoning refugee camps, genocidal attacks, land grabs and outright murder by Israeli settlers.

     “We are not taking responsibility for any faults associated with our methods of diplomacy,” said a spokeswoman for the Palestinian Chamber of Commerce in Gaza City. “Our weekly kareoke and the kosher barbecues were a step in the right direction, but only in a cultural sense. Politically we were still enemies even though we were singing and eating together, and getting to know each other on a personal basis. The complete geologic break may be just what we needed. Only time will tell.”

– Melvin Toole

“When push comes to shove, there’s not much Christianity in Christian nationalism.”

– David French, New York Times

Hallan estrangulado al gran inventor de las pantimedias

El reconocido inventor de las pantimedias, Melvin Toole, de 95 años, fue hallado estrangulado esta mañana en el baño de una biblioteca no identificada.

La investigación preliminar fue cerrada hoy tras arrojar escasos resultados sobre el violento suceso. Las autoridades admiten no haber determinado si se trata de un homicidio, un suicidio, un crimen de odio o incluso un accidente.

“Ocurren más accidentes en los baños que en cualquier otra parte de la casa”, comentó con nerviosismo una bibliotecaria visiblemente conmocionada. “Además, Toole ya no era precisamente un jovencito”.

Llevaba allí dentro bastante tiempo, pero, ya sabe, me resistía a llamar a la puerta, con eso de las leyes de privacidad y todo lo demás», exclamó con la respiración entrecortada un miembro del personal presente en el lugar.

— Tommy Middlefinger

BATS, BEARS AND BUTTERFLIES

It’s Getting Crowded in the Great Outdoors

(Oh-Be-Joyful) The place is overrun. Just the other night while camping out under a newly installed municipal street light up the Slate we watched in horror as thousands, well hundreds, of fruit bats circled our tent with lord knows what intent. They are nothing more than little rats with wings. I don’t care if they are blind and operate on radar. They don’t bathe regularly and can carry rabies (in their back pockets?)

     Then it was the bears. Damn, the bats finally got tired of their mindless orbit and the fury beasts emerge. Damn, I strung all the Spam up in the tree like Mr. Ranger said to do, but bears can climb trees! I banked the fire and now they want marshmallows. Wow, that bruin just ripped the lid off my cooler and he doesn’t appear to have thumbs! I hope he doesn’t come into the tent — that’s where I’ve hidden the rum. I’ve been informed that the animals are most active at dawn and at dusk so I guess we should just sleep in the daytime and hike at night. Are flashlights legal in a pristine, wilderness area? I’ll have to consult my Nashville Forest brochure written by uniformed men over in Denver. They manage the land, you know.

     Hey, the reason we are out in the forest in the first place is to observe butterflies in their natural habitat but I think the bats and bears have scared them off. We wait all year for the weather to turn warm so we can drink a glass of wine and munch on some overpriced exotic cheese and we have to share this time warp with pests. Wait. There’s a butterfly now. Where’s my net?

     Do people collect butterflies due to some sadistic flaw or because they can’t stand to see a being so very colorful cruising the skies at peace all day? What eats butterflies and how did they get tagged with such a dreadful label?

     At least they aren’t like bats. Despite the fact that bats eat mosquitoes they still swoop. That’s it. That’s what gets under my skin. It’s the swooping. In Mexico bats don’t tend to swoop as much as the peso. In Costa Rica someone left the bats out all night and they were stolen. In the jungles of South America they have vampire bats which is one reason travelers are subjected to all those barely pubescent soldiers standing around with machine guns. It’s bat control. That’s all. If you have a problem just call the American Embassy.

     If one comes in contact with a bat, waving at it does little good. They just wave back. Flies, oh thou little bat of snot, will go away for a while. Bats, on the other hand, seem to think that if you are so intent on driving them away there must be something you are attempting to protect, like mosquitoes, rum, mosquitoes or some other treasure. They don’t know. They are like the IRS with wings.

     The best way to handle a bat is to grip the bat at the bottom with both hands, spread you feet, don’t crowd the plate and keep your eye on the ball. Take a few practice swings in the on-deck circle. At the last moment of contact squeeze and swing through the ball. When reaching first base you are on your own.

     I had a friend once who fashioned himself quite the mountain man. He tried this conventional approach to handling a bear, grabbing low and squeezing. He is buried in our backyard under a Russian olive tree.

     Long before the native cape buffalo were run off by the high winds the butterfly and the bear were compatible. Most likely this mutual toleration resulted from the primary reality that neither had anything the other needed. Instinctually any bear will tell you that butterflies don’t generate honey. Likewise butterflies aren’t hot on eating parasites (even with béarnaise sauce) off their shaggy counterparts nor do they enjoy munching on a rotten cow that has been buried by a member of the Ursidae clan so as to create the ultimate gourmet treat. Both are generally omnivorous but, like the Epicureans of the Pacific Rim, will consume an assortment of canned meats if they have access to a can opener. Bats hate Spam, often picking at it, then feeding it to the family dog when no one is looking.

     If you encounter a bat in the wilds you probably won’t notice the intrusion since they are nocturnal and hard to see in the dark. Bears on the other hand are up all the time due to their fascinating habit of sleeping all winter. In truth, bears can do without folks and usually retreat unless food, cubs, or harsh political differences are apparent.

     Responding to a bear encounter is simple enough, unless it doesn’t work well. First of all, stay calm. This may be difficult considering the fact that a 300-pound prowler has just entered your domain. Make noise so that the bear knows you are around. Pretend you haven’t seen the beast and he/she may retreat. If you are wearing aftershave or perfume that smells like honey or dead cows, dispense with all logical thought and make a run for the truck. There is little truth to the rumor that bears eat Californians and Texans on sight. Statistics lie.

     If you find yourself toe-to-toe with a bear back away slowly and avoid direct eye contact as the animal may perceive your stare as a threat. Give the animal an escape route, like the state of Montana. Don’t run. That bear may look chubby but he ran track in college. You can’t outrun a bear. Sudden movements (even those associated with the bowels) can provoke an attack. Speak softly. Reassure the bruin that no harm is meant. Most bears speak American. Just flip out a couple of fifties and, miraculously, most will understand you.

     Try not to show fear. That’s what it says in the brochure. Fight back. If you are attacked hit the bear with a rock or a stick. Chainsaws are effective and so are child-proof cigarette lighters, Swiss Army knives, political opinions and last night’s pot of beans. Most likely the bear will tire of the struggle and go back into the woods where he belongs. If not there’s a plot next to our mountain man friend. Biting, kicking and grabbing the bear by his privates is considered dirty fighting by most animals of the forest.

     If you are attacked by bats you are probably dreaming or drinking too much cheap gin. If you are attacked by a butterfly you should probably spend your next outing at the dog track, the bowling alley or the local mall.

     The outdoors isn’t for everyone although this time of the year it sure seems like it.

– Uncle Pahgre

Correction – Was it really semantics?

We mistakenly blamed sarcasm in our recent story about the annoying, even toxic seaweed invasion of Mexico’s Caribbean beaches. Sargassum, the name of the offending macroalgae, is the culprit here, and certainly not sarcasm, defined as verbal irony often aimed at mocking or insulting another. Sarcasm relies on dry and bitter sharpness in its delivery. It is often accompanied with smirking and eye rolling, Satire is usually a more perennial, extensive effort, such as a novel or news story penned to make fun of society.

Meanwhile, this unwanted sargassum continues to pile up, encroaching on Cancun-like beaches threatening the tourist industry.

“Even the inmates of the cruise ships don’t like to look at it,” said one local guide. “We tell them it’s just stinky sand that has not yet been pounded into fine particles yet like the rest of the beach. We even tell them in English. Clutching their credit cards, sunscreen and insect repellent, many believe us.”

A major effort on the part of the Mexican gov’ment is underway.

“The seaweed was washed and blown down here from the north where it has been brine fodder for an assortment of marine animals that don’t instinctually congregate in the warmer water of the Caribbean Sea,” said one marine biologist. “It’s clear we need to ship the stuff back for their dinner or invite them down here for an epic nautical barbecue.”

A spokesman for the government would not comment on rumors that local mermaids have become entangled in the sargassum and that leviathans and sperm whales had vacated the premises.

The website has promised to take responsibility for this serious gramatical mismomer just as soon as the beaches return to normal and the cash registers sing again. Readers should take not that the sargassum is nothing like the algae that discolored the botched upgrade of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. That is called orange algae, even though it apears in a green shade and was supposed to be American flaf blue in honor to the nation’s 250-year birthday. It is clearly the result of incompetent workmanship and the spoils system awarding of a multi-millions dollar contract to Atlantic Industrial Coatings (AIC), a MAGA-loving a company that contributed heavily to the trump campaign in 2024. Massive peeling accompanied the algae growth from the beginning of the project.

Claims of communist vandalism by the White House, a desperate attempt at covering up the highly embarrassing performance on all fronts, was debunked by the Justice Department. The answer to why that branch does little to debunk other lies and blatant distractions upchucked by retches posing as standard bearers for freedom and well being is not yet back from the laundry.

–Small Mouth Bess

Livro sobre o Ego com Vendas Fracas

(Nova York) A Testosterone Brothers Press, editora de “Como Controlar Seu Ego” (*How To Control Your Ego*), divulgou números decepcionantes referentes ao primeiro trimestre, registrando zero vendas desde que a obra chegou às livrarias em fevereiro.

A obra, que mergulha na psicanálise, foi escrita com o intuito de promover a autoestima aliada a uma dose saudável de realidade, ao mesmo tempo em que busca atenuar o egocentrismo.

“Ou as pessoas finalmente enxergaram através da névoa que cerca a infinidade de livros de autoajuda, ou o título as assusta”, disse Edwin Whom, editor da Testosterone Brothers. “Pessoalmente, acho que a maioria das pessoas não quer um ego maduro. É mais divertido ter um ego que age sem freios.”

A gigante editora de Boston apostou no título após o enorme sucesso de vendas de clássicos como “Narciso Desmascarado” (*Narcissus Exposed*), “Edward Inflado” (*Edward Swelled*) e “Como Controlar Seu Cachorro” (*How To Control Your Dog*).

Fontes locais informam que o livro será retirado das prateleiras na segunda-feira. Os planos para lançar uma edição de bolso estão suspensos até o Natal.                                         – Rocky Flats