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Voting By Credit Card Nets Benefits

(Washington) Voters preferring to avoid the polls this November can cast their vote by using any major credit card. When they do, they are in line for a variety of perks such as free air miles, discounts on groceries and cash advances in the former of mythical democracy.

Although it does not cost money to vote, at least the part when one journeys behind the little curtain, the electorate can keep tabs by using the plastic. Major political parties can then award each voter based on his selections. Voting a one party ticket can save up to 50% on car rentals and stack up valuable miles on participating airlines. Campaign workers, generally not paid a salary for their labor, will not have to wait for to be appointed to ambassadorships and political spoils positions like before. Now they can gain incentives right away.

“We had a guy manning the phones during the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries a few years back and he had to wait six months before being appointed to a federal judgeship,” said one party boss. “Now the same guy would gain all kinds of benefits instantly. We think this will motivate our affiliates by good ol’ American greed and know-how.”

Originators of the plan say that if a voter is active enough he could see himself ascending to a mayorship or warden of a private prison just by accumulating credit points.

“It’s just like the electoral college manipulating the actual votes of citizens,” said the same source. “Why we go to the charade of counting votes is insane. It’s almost as ridiculous as tabulating the statistics derived from the traveling census circus.”

In addition to this development the Biden camp has announced a Presidential Sweepstakes which will award one lucky voter over a million dollars after the mid-term elections. The voter will not be expected to purchase magazine subscriptions but rather simply prove he voted the right way.

“We’ll just take the prize out of their campaign chest which, according to all indications is still overflowing with cash,” said the spokesman. 

Meanwhile in the House a Guess the Pentagon Budget program, which would pay big dividends in the primaries, is reportedly in the works.

Political animals all over the country are quick to admit that these approaches may not quell voter apathy but could make voting more fun.

“We don’t bet on the elections like we do football, at least not now,” said one Senator. “It’s high time we modify the notion that the voting booth is one big confessional of democracy and get on with the crowning of the puppet kings.”

– H.L. Menoken

TEDDY BEAR HOROSCOPE

TEDDY BEAR HOROSCOPE

Everybody’s on the prowl this spring getting their lawns and gardens ready for summer We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Just check your specific star sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)

It’s hip to be unavailable. Conditions that directly affect your personal desires may go public before noon. A thumb ain’t a-worth nothin’ if you just sit on it. You are right on target…unfortunately it’s the wrong target. Presumption is no substitute for perfection. Soften arrivals with a clear date of departure. Tie up all loose canons. Passion will seek its own level. Play the role of martyr only if they give you your own dressing room with a star on the door. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)

Cut the Tinkerbell crap. Peter is with me now. Choose friends and snow tires more carefully the next time. Your faint jingle will not impress financiers down on main. Shuffle the demands of peers. Sooner or later you will get over the disappointment, not to mention the disgrace, or being dismissed from jury duty. Burn all tedious paperwork. Embrace fringe relationships. Warm, unattended cattle prods may leave one suspicious of Co-workers. Tonight: Yield signs at twenty paces.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Hopes and expectations are often attainable without a side arm. While your input will most likely be ignored, your output will be dissected. Micro-manage! Anyone can grow dreadlocks whereas growing a tail is an impressive accomplishment. Take calculated risks only if you can master the math. Narcissists make poor missionaries…Stay home and meditate to old Miles Davis ditties. Placate your ego and the big and tall shop. Tonight: Chaos in the kitchen. 

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Chronic elitism conflicts with hygiene deficiencies on your personal resume through the 15th. Brush your teeth to a different drummer. Don’t sass the weed eater. Your cosmic flow needs an oil change. Pay attention without drawing attention. Your temperament is that of a Cape Buffalo. Spend more time naked. Leading off with your wit may leave you deep in the batter’s box. Make promises to the dog only in dog language. Tonight: Run out all fly balls.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)

It’s trash day. Couldn’t you put on something nice for a change. Shifting conditions call for some fancy footwork. Despite the fact that your recent achievements have been deemed insignificant by science your glowing failures are the stuff of legends. Train robbery is a felony while writing bad checks is only a misdemeanor. Anticipate inside straights. Tonight: Do not waste time on insignificant objectives such as dinner and dirty dishes. 

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)

Your stunt person cannot go on that diet for you. Minding your own business, while safer than intrusion, can lead to a boring ledger.  It’s easier to turn the other cheek than to button your lip. You cannot listen to inner voices with the television on. An ounce of anvil is worth a pound of feathers every time. Tropical fish are not right for fondue. Wearing old socks to bed could sent the wrong message to a new lover. Tonight: Throw friends out early.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)

Keep to your own agenda when confronted by worms, grasshoppers or artificial lures. Embrace cold-blooded endeavors. Resist tendencies to flake. Beer-battered is not the proper language for the dinner table or in front of the baby fish. Bottom feeders rarely burn out in frigid waters. Privacy is the key but spawning is the instinct. Mind over matter will be ineffective if you’ve already taken the bait. Fin for yourself. There is no future being part of the chowder. Pescador: clean thyself and always watch for scales. Tonight: Surf the net.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Jupiter, your creditor planet, moves into Mercury rising but is called for an offensive foul. Mercury misses both free throws but hits the three pointer. Your transition game is out of season. Riding the bench is just an expression. Go ahead…change your hair color again – Either way you are still stuck with the same tiny brain. Learn to enjoy forced labor camps. Cultivate feedlot relationships. Wearing those chaps backwards may seem inconsequential to you but your horse knows the difference. Tonight: Barbecued chicken in the hallway. 

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)

Have faith in a higher power but always get a receipt. Keep your head in the clouds and your knuckles on the pavement. You can easily increase your income by making more money. You are as discreet as a caiman at a poodle convention. Milking the proverbial brown cow may leave the pasture in distress. Formula for survival: 5 % inspiration, 95% perspiration. Circling buzzards may have something to say about career aspirations. Tonight: Change your name to something exotic.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

While a closed mind may not open many doors, dirty windows often thwart the advance of intrusive public opinion. Reliance on child-like clarity may be deemed as juvenile in sandbox circles. The habit of looking over one’s shoulder has produced deformities in laboratory rats. Laughter is not always better than tears – It’s just easier to clean up afterwards. Tonight: Let the TV watch you for a change. 

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

  Innocent flirtations could be misconstrued leading traumatic interludes and felonious spats. Avoid panic situations. There is no sense being king of the hill when all the action is going on down at the beach. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers start flying it can get downright ugly. Focus on what you are good at…Use a microscope. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Tonight: scapegoat on the grill.

LEO (July 24 – August 23)

Act on the inconsequential. Store good intentions in a cool, dry place. Flanking movements near the time clock will not catapult you into an executive position. Don’t take adversaries for granted…Take them to Cleveland. Is there no end to your limitations? Let others work overtime. Be alert to people camping in your yard. Intuition is always lower at state colleges. Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. Tonight: Cheap beer and caviar

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)

Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul

(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are at least ninety percent within recognized pews.

“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counter, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”

Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.

“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.

Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.

“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”

At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.

“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”

Tommy Middlefinger

“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?” Allessandro  Giuliani to Nicolo in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

CAMPUS KIOSK

with Rex Montaleone

FCEOA Pushes For Ethics Major

     The local chapter of Future CEOs of America has petitioned Western State College to include an ethics major in its 2003 curriculum. The course of study, which would fall under the awning of the business department, would be specifically aimed at churning out honest graduates, with strong moral fiber and a sense of right and wrong.

     “We feel that a student who is exposed to honor will respond,” said one proponent of the study. More and more corporate interests are beginning to the advantage to doing business on the up and up. Just look at all the corporations that have become environmentally conscious. The days of smoke and pollution are limited, especially since we sent all of our manufacturing south of the border.”

     A decision on the matter is expected as early as Tuesday when state regents and faculty advisors return from a trip to Alamosa where they have been trying to squeeze operating funds out of Adams State College for lawn maintenance here at Western.

Missing Class Met with Cane

     Students who miss class this fall could be caned, not canned as previously reported. According to Dean of Discipline, Margot Rotweiller, any student who misses class will be denied Taco Bell privileges, weekend passes and access to athletic events. In addition punch cards for use on the high-speed quad train will be revoked. Continued abuse will result in painful caning in front of Taylor Hall.

     “We have no intention of canning (expelling) any student,” said Rotweiller, considering all the trouble we went through to get them to come here in the first place. The Horseshoe paper should proofread its stories before publication. Maybe a few whacks in the right direction might get some attention over there as well.”

     Rotweiller went on to explain that it is college policy to see that all students, especially freshmen, attend all scheduled classes. She admitted that mandatory laps and standing in the corner had little or no effect on such feckless behavior last semester.

     “We consider consciousness to be an integral part of the college experience,” she snapped, “and snoozing will not be tolerated either.”

     At present most professors do take roll call and are quite proficient at throwing erasers at and kicking the desk legs of chronic offenders.

Cell phones added to list of banned items

     Cell phones, chewing gum, and Catcher in the Rye head the list of items banned on campus this autumn. Joining such long-held taboos on such accessories as grenade launchers and neon signs, the new additions have created quite a controversy.

     The annoying phones were prohibited in an unanimous vote by the Academic Interdiction Board last week sending students into a tailspin. Although the phones are forbidden on campus they are quite legal anywhere else in down. Already several cell phone labs have sprouted up where students are offered internet access, faxing and cell phone lounges.

     Chewing gum, a culprit since grade school, was added to the banned list when maintenance personnel demanded overtime pay in May. Chewing tobacco or the cud was not effected at press time.Caulfield

     It comes as no surprise to anyone that the controversial novel Catcher in the Rye is also on the no-no list. Conservative religious groups and right-wing interests reportedly fear the book because they don’t understand it. They say the main character, Holden Caulfield, is too close to reality and does not provide a good example to students. They suggest a tumble with a classic sociopath like Sebastian Dangerfield in The Gingerman instead.

     In closing, there is some good news as reported by the American Civil Liberties Union: The much hated Student Helmet Law has been rescinded and replaced in part with the far less stringent Hip Boots Law, which promises to be quite a boon in such departments as political science and sociology.

History Department Refutes Origin of Cheeseburger

     The Western State history department has formally disproved once accepted theories on the origin of the cheeseburger, not of Manifest Destiny as was reported by this newspaper. The academias did not undress controversies related to catsup, mustard or dill pickles as far as we know. It was not clear if the committee would comment on philosophies of national expansion or on rumors that the presence of molybdenum is connected to the high rate of gout in the region.  

     

Bake sale to fund snow removal

(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion Hall in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.

Editor Discovers Bonanza

(Ouray) The editor of the struggling San Juan Horseshoe may be able to pay his printing bill for February thanks to the discovery of more than $10,000 in fifty dollar bills. The find, tucked away in a broke box railroad car of newsprint, was stored in three cellophane bags marked with a blue X. With the cash was a blurred receipt for exactly $10,346.93.

“We came forward with the information so the cash could be claimed,” said Kashmir Horseshoe, finder and editor of the paper, “and so we could pay taxes on the cash.”

If the money is not claimed within a reasonable time Horseshoe plans to use it to start a tantric religion.

– Suzie Compost