All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Bake sale to preserve our traditions

(Montrose) A gala bake sale to save our traditions is slated for May 28 at Lion’s Park. Attending the gathering will be Martha Stewart and Senor Pepino, the Sage of Carnival. It is not clear whether the Pope will make it in time as he has a flat tire on his throne. A replica of the Montrose Wal-Mart will be set ablaze along with several captured developers from Telluride. The sale runs from 8 am to 4 pm. A slide show follows. Look for us on the web at

www.goatropersneedlovetoo.com

Bear Given Condoms

(Norwood) The Forest Circus has agreed in theory to allow black bears to purchase condoms at a variety of outlets due to overpopulation in the Ursidae ranks of late. Unconfirmed sources verify that the black bear population has increased 20% over the past year and will continue this trend due to the general lack of natural predators, especially in the spring.

     Already groups of righteous, radical animal-rights advocates, many who would not know the difference between an aardvark and an antelope, have agreed to provide birth control information to younger, more impressionable cubs.

      As one might readily imagine, this development has upset almost every political/social/religious group in the country with each naively keying on their own specific collection of bugaboos without the slightest concern for the rights of their adversaries.

     “It is a fool who still thinks we live in a democracy,” said one local ranger. “In 2025 he who shouts the loudest often wins out, while the poor bears can’t utter so much as a compound sentence.”

-Small Mouth Bess

BLACK CANYON PAINTING GETS THUMBS DOWN

(Bostwick Park) A Department of Interior plan for the painting of the Black Canyon has been abandoned as of this morning. The overhaul had called for extensive scraping and painting over the winter.

     “They weren’t even gonna prime the thing,” said one local painter, “and the colors didn’t match up.”

     Rumors indicate that the USFS intended to paint the canyon in greenie green, a shade preferred by feds everywhere. Already the fall budget called for $1.2 million to be spent on paint and another $100,000 on drop cloths.

     “We had already lined up ladders, brushes and rollers,” said one proponent of the ordeal. “Sure, the project came in at cost plus but what do we care, it’s not our money. Waste would have been minimal or at least tough to detect since paint spilled into the river would have been in Delta by noon the next day.”

     Budgetary considerations had been established so as to assure the continued annual flow of tax money in years to come.

     “If we could have pulled this one off we could have secured funding to rewire Grand Mesa next summer and plumb the San Juans in 2001. Not since campground trash pickup coordinates were established in the Fifties have I seen a program with such potential. Sure, we’d have to relocate some of the more disruptive wildlife and change the curtains but that falls under the jurisdiction of land management. I don’t know why the public can’t mind it’s own business. Even the blueprints were the right color.”

– Jack Spratt

Still in the Dark

With Back to Bed Fred, National Wool Census 

In a related development Colorado Senate appears primed to pass Over Easy Act. “We have noticed that uncompromised glee is missing from the American menu and we hope this restart might bring it back.”

Next time: Are gun lovers fetishists ?

Archaeologists Stumble Onto Ruins of Ancient Kegger

(Godin Tepe) Archaeologists digging around the Zagros Mountains in Western Iran have unearthed the remains of a Sumerian kegger probably held millenniums ago. Sumerian art has long depicted people standing around a large vessel, drinking something out of it, with long straws. Up till now archaeologists, headquartered at Texas A & M and Baylor universities believed the liquid substance was either iced tea or Dr. Pepper.

These same researchers were shocked to find that ancient Sumerians were drinking a fermented beverage back in 3500 BC while they, the modern scholars, are unable to procure anything stronger than mineral water in their own counties.

Beer, wine and spirits are also illegal in present day Iran, another progressive redoubt, and site of the discovery.

The archaeologists made no mention of evidence that the ancient Sumerians drank concoctions such as Crown Royal and Coke or Jim Beam and 7-Up, two drinks popular in wetter locales in the evolved Lone Star state.

“As one might imagine the clearing where the kegger was held was quite trashed and the smell from certain residues was overwhelming after almost 4000 years,” said Sibyl Marmotbreath, Director of the Zagros Mountain Excavation.

“There were chairs and tables knocked over and a few plants upturned. One fellow appears to have gone off and left his britches behind. It’s a good thing these party animals hadn’t discovered tobacco yet or the place would have had to be immediately sealed back up.”

Marmotbreath went on to explain that the incredible morning stink associated with reckless beer drinking the night before is due to stale beer in part, but more so to cigarette butts lingering in ashtrays and often to body odor exaggerated by the ingestion of large quantities of alcohol.

An organic chemist at the Van Brewski Museum in Milwaukee, Marmotbreath earned her graduate degree in Yeast Management from the University of Augsburg in 1967. Her doctoral thesis examined related social phenomenon such as pickled eggs, brand loyalty and 3.2 beer.

After scrutinizing the recently unearthed artifacts it seems clear that the Sumerians were big boozers/party animals in the classic sense, according to Marmotbreath who contends that the ancient complex, and literate society of prospering city states emerged as part of a ploy to score large stores of malt, hops and barley from more temperate cultures nearby.

“In short, the Sumerians didn’t mind traveling great distances just to have a few beers,” laughed Marmotbreath, who concluded that the entire discovery had left her and her colleagues quite parched.

   -Kashmir Horseshoe

McDonald To Visit Rain Forest

(Montrose) Burger clown, Ronald McDonald, announced today that he would go to the Amazon in an attempt to reassure consumers that the fast food industry is concerned about the disappearing rain forest there.

     In town for the gala Walrose Days Ceremonies, commemorating the transformation of productive farmland to a fast food gauntlet of mass merchandising temples, McDonald thanked fat county and city administrators for making it all possible.

     “We couldn’t have done it without you,” he smiled. “What was once depressed farm country is now alive with the familiar signs of the 21st Century. This is the culture that we export to other countries throughout the world.”

     McDonald then outlined his visit the Amazon saying that his main concern is to educate.

     “There has been a lot of criticism aimed at the fast food industry due to clearing of the land for pasture,” said McDonald. “So the peasants of South America want to run cattle on what was once worthless jungle. What does that have to do with us?”

     Scientists say that if the continued clearing of the rain forest does not stop at once it will disappear by 2035. With it go a multitude of plant and animal species, potential cures for disease and maybe a solution to the further deterioration of the ozone.

     “We can open up a few more drive-throughs along the Amazon River so that loggers and burn crews could have a place to stop for lunch. Is that so bad?” he asked.

     A spokesman for the clown refused to elaborate on rumors that fast food giants have been experimenting with synthetic food substitutes in Third World countries in response to the spread of foot and mouth disease and the possibility of another potato blight.

     McDonald’s plan shows some big cajones considering death of chicken magnate, Colonel Sanders at the hands of Putumayoc cannibals in 1982. Violence toward pizza delivery personnel, semis hauling “fresh” chemical breads and talking chihuahuas has been on the rise since that time too.

     And now the U.S. Embassy has issued a restricted travel advisory following the kidnappings of the Burger King and Wendy by Colombian guerrillas last month. It is hoped that the two are currently being held somewhere in the jungle. Corporate executives have as yet refused to respond to ransom demands despite the regular arrival of fingers and toes, allegedly belonging to the captives, at corporate headquarters in the U.S.

     Rumors that the fast food corporations were busy raising an army (dubbed Ronnie’s Freedom Fighters Brigade) to stage a Grenada-like rescue attempt were denied at all levels over the weekend. Desperate pleas that McDonald “lose the nose and hair” and travel incognito have been ignored.

     While in South America, McDonald will present a series of pyramid/nutrition seminars aimed at recruiting indigenous peoples into McDonalds management training programs worldwide. – Manco Copac