All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Horseshoe to sponsor Rwandan mountain gorillas
(Kigali) An American publishing concern, the San Juan Horseshoe, has agreed to provide funding for the migration of some 80 mountain gorillas to the United States. The animals, long-time residents of the endangered list, have become threatened due to the continuing conflicts there between rival tribes, the Hutus and Tutsis.
Although generally residing in the northern, more remote areas of the country the gorillas have been the victims of poaching as well as stray bullets for the last six months. Outsiders, who have been attempting to protect the animals have also become the target of both the desperate rebel faction and the blood-thirsty government militias.
“These gorillas should be considered a national treasure in a country that has become morally bankrupt,” said news honcho, General Kashmir Horseshoe, from his temporary offices in Bukavu, Zaire. “It’s bad enough that these people insist on killing each other at such an impressive rate, but did they have to drag everyone else into their squabble as well? The gorillas are totally apolitical and got along just as well with the French Colonials as they do with the native tribes.”
Speaking of the French, another contingent of troops arrived yesterday in an attempt to protect this city from advancing rebels. All the while, during the slow advance, government militias have murdered refugees by the thousands and created a reign of terror throughout the countryside.
“We can’t really say much, due to the sensitive nature of the current diplomacy,” said Horseshoe. “I haven’t observed the fighting myself but from the number of displaced persons I have seen at the border I wouldn’t recommend Rwanda as a summer vacation destination. I knew a girl named Rwanda in high school, I think that was her name. She was a bit wild, too, but a real lamb compared to these folks.”
The gorillas are being lodged in a downtown hotel until an airlift can be arranged. They are accompanied by a host of French and American biologists and several Swiss veterinarians. There have been no complaints regarding the immediate accommodations, although the room service bill grows higher every day.
“Once we get these animals back to the states the saga will take a turn for the better,” said Horseshoe. “We intend to put them to work writing, selling advertising and as collection agents. This is no charity case here,” he continued.
“Once they get their typing skills back up, we’ll have an incredible pool of secretarial workers, too, and maybe we can get things organized for once. Other ethnic and political groups have managed to assimilate and so will these gorillas who, with the blessing of the Colorado Division of Wildlife, will be housed in the San Juan Mountains along with other new arrivals, the moose, the Grizzly Bear and the Timber Wolf. I hope they all get along as it hasn’t been an easy decade for anyone.”
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole
HORSESHOE ANNIVERSARY PARTY A BARN BURNER
(Denver-on-Fyre) The San Juan Horseshoe’s 50th Anniversary celebration was held at the elegant Brown Palace Hotel here on July 3. Invited guests, important advertisers and the paper’s staff made the trek over the Continental Divide for this landmark occasion. The evening’s international fare, served up in crystal goblets by candlelight included French champagne, Russian caviar, Swedish meatballs, Irish whiskey, Italian ice, Colorado beef, Japanese sushi, Colombian coffee, English muffins and Canadian bacon. It was enjoyed by all. The music was provided by ZZ Top, The Wolftones and the Pea Green Contemporary & Light Orchestra, Herman Dinges, director.
Sadly, the black tie affair was interrupted repeatedly by unknown parties claiming that they should have received an invitation to the festivities. Bouncers, appearing out of nowhere, threw the malcontents out into the damp, dreary streets of the Mile High City and returned to their posts for dessert.
A host of celebrities, arriving from as far away as Aspen, Adelaide and the Canary Islands were paraded around for all to see and then shoved out the back door via the hotel kitchen.
Publisher Kashmir Horseshoe apologized to anyone who was not in attendance saying that budget cuts and pecuniary considerations prevented the paper from inviting plebeian elements to the affair. He promised that a kegger would be held for the great unwashed at a local Grange hall sometime after hunting season.
-Small Mouth Bess
“All murderers shall be punished, unless of course they kill in large numbers, to the sound of trumpets. – Voltaire
Trump Tours, on the brink of another bankruptcy, expands VIP treks and cruises
Readers are hereby informed that red-eyed Trump Tours will offer discount all-inclusive journeys to include: Caracas, Tehran, Havana, Greenland. The Vatican, Kiev, Ottowa and Minneapolis this month. With Beirut, Yemen and Lagos stints and expansions coming this fall. Trump Tours has struggled of late in that most potential clients do not want to travel to these environs with red caps and do not trust the operators to provide sufficient security in these hot spots.
Are you awae that we are losing our freedoms in the United States?
7,000 pound yellow carp pulled from Blue Mesa
(Iola) A massive yellow carp was hauled in by local man, Melvin Testline Toole, Saturday. The exotic garbage fish weighed in at just over 7,000 pounds making it the largest fish ever caught in the free world. Toole was quickly surrounded by an adoring public and is expected to be offered lucrative endorsement contracts due to his feat.
“Hell, it ain’t nothin’,” spat the angler when interviewed by The Horseshoe. “Just look at the diminished water level in the lake without this baby swimming around in there. Carp tastes like carp. I’d throw the damn thing back but I’m afraid the sudden surge in the water level would wash out the dam and flood Delta!”
-Tommy Middlefinger
ST. ROSCOE APPEARS TO WAL-MART SHOPPERS
Montrose) The patron of excessive consumerism, St. Roscoe of Mesquite, reportedly appeared to several hundred Wal-Mart enthusiasts as they left the outlet Friday. The Christmas season generates colossal throngs of witless vendees and countless millions of dollars for the Arkansas- based discount house as mindless shopping herds get into the holiday spirit.
St. Roscoe urged the faithful to spend more money, often physically pushing some of the fringe element back into the store. He assured late arrivals and the uninitiated that they would be rewarded for spending right up to the limit on their credit cards.
“It’s all fine and dandy to spend the week’s paycheck on items marked down from the regular price,” proclaimed St. Roscoe, who reputedly paid the Vatican $250,000 for the sainted status back in 1993.
The last documented sighting of the consumer saint occurred two years ago when St. Roscoe appeared to a contingent of gamblers enjoying the new casinos in Cripple Creek. That time he showed up in a powder blue leisure suit and white loafers. This latest visit featured Roscoe in a more subtle getup characterized by a plumed top hat made in Canada, Palestinian fatigues and beaded moccasins made in Taiwan. This ensemble was underscored by green and white Dutch argyle socks and a snappy Mexican bolo tie presented to Roscoe by a former governor of Sonora in 1983. A crisp, silk Parisian cape complimented the entire costume emphasizing the saint’s loyalty to mass marketing and lip service to products made in the U.S.A.
“The frugal shall inherit the earth while the spendthrift shall enter the Kingdom of Mass Merchandizing,” wailed Roscoe from his new found perch above a line of shopping carts. Give Caesar what is Caesar’s and give Wal-Mart what is Walmart’s!”
The saint then used a chaotic fender-bender as a diversion, stole a 1959 Ford station wagon from the parking lot and headed off toward Gunnison. He has not been seen since.
Mountain Express to run buses on discarded phone books
(Crested Butte) In what experts are calling a revolutionary fuel saving effort, Mountain Express buses will begin burning unclaimed/discarded phone directories as of July. The gratis Crested Butte bus service is currently using an assortment of cooking oil, fossil fuels and good will to keep the service afloat.
At the time of this writing there are an estimated 40 different telephone books circulating Gunnison County alone. According to unconfirmed sources if every person in the county used 5 phone directories in a year that would leave some 700,000 books collecting dust. The number of books from other locales smuggled into area during the summer months is, according to spleen counters, impossible to estimate.
Fears that the directories might fall into the hands of international terrorists prompted a no lo contesto gov’ment intrusion policy in the alternative use program.
“We can operate our fleet on half that many,” said a spokesman for Mountain Express. “Since storage is limited, and because there will be new books coming off the press we plan to give some of the leftover books to the indigent for use in cooking. The rest will most likely be used to wallpaper Totem Pole Park.
The application of the recycled phone books is expected to relieve the rising cost of more traditional fuels and provide reading material for people bored with the alpine scenery here in one of so many paradises.
“We will have to forgo fuel-injected engines and continue to shun air-conditioning, but these measures will pay for themselves by ski season,” said D. Tucker, former Executive Director of Humane Services for the company. “In addition I am ordering all current bus drivers to shave their heads for improved visibility, high altitude velocity and streamline-dynamics.”
Several publishers of the junk phone books, chosen at random for comment, did not return our calls Friday since we do not have a phone.
Anyone finding himself with more directories than necessary should call Mountain Express to arrange pickup. Books with pages missing will not be accepted.
– Suzie Compost
