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Isn’t Life Grand

With Rufus Maxwell

With all those birds up in the sky it’s really surprising how seldom a human pedestrian gets nailed on the head or the shoulders with pasty, white bird poop. The gravity-based, new math on the subject clearly dictates that a serious number of direct hits would ultimately occur non-stop, all-day, especially at (bird) feeding times. Remaining residue common to initial research clearly indicates that a raindrop effect would emerge, wherein the moist barrage would be persistent, direct and almost continual.

The simple equation would then have to be: More birds up there = more poop down here. Now, ask three of your friends, “When was the last time you were hit by bird droppings? I’ll bet none of them can remember even one such incident. How can this be?

It only stands to reason that if x amount of poop is dropped from x amount of bird asses then x amount of the said white stuff would land on the ground. Birds can let go while in the air or in a tree but are said to prefer a quiet, restful place.

Are the birds aware that there are innocent people down below? They always seem so self-absorbed, fluttering their feathers, squawking, pecking at knits and parasites. Is it difficult to aim and execute while steering? Maybe they are elitists. Maybe they just don’t give a damn. 

Are the inevitable drops some sort of a message? Are there common elements at play in these attacks? Do they exhibit anti-social tendencies? Are there indications of coordinated planning? Just how deep does this doo-doo go?

Nobody knows how many birds are flying above his head at a given locale or specific time of the day. It does not help to look up. Likewise it is impossible to count all of the birds in the trees, on the roofs of houses & barns, eclectic wires, bridges, fences, sunny lofts, shady perches, hanging feeders, neon signs and upstairs patios. Even if one succeeded in counting all of these birds he could still find a sticky sample his hat or a little white surprise on his shoulder.

 Moreover, when one considers that birds spend the whole day eating seeds, insects, buds, leaves and twigs he must face the fact that the waste matter remaining must go somewhere. It is expelled and lands where it lands. The math alone would dictate more direct hits, which could lead to tasteless jokes and betting schemes similar to turkey bingo.

“We should learn from this research,” said one professor of body chemistry at WSCU, “and never go outside.”

Other more progressive voices call for calm and say that the eco-system is working for now.

“What’s the big deal?” said the source. “On an average day we probably step in a whole lot more than a little bird crap. Most birds are small but viewing a large hawk or eagle does give one a different perspective.” 

– Fred Zeppelin

Isn’t life Grand is an op-ed where witless, stupid fears and opinions replace vindictive, witless, stupid, cartoon news broadcasts.

Heavy Hiker Survives Month in Woods

(Ouray) When Maxwell Belino went into the San Juans for a short hike in May he weighed in at just over 280 pounds. Today he’s slimmed down by almost one hundred pounds, shed during his curious excursion. Armed with only fishing gear and a cheap tent Belino somehow managed to survive for almost 30 days in the bush, successfully enduring late season snows, freezing nighttime temperatures and grumpy black bears waking from their hibernation.

According to rescue team sources the ragged Belino will recover in short order and although he has suffered from dehydration is in pretty good shape. Family members expressed relief at his deliverance.

“For a flatlander the guy showed a lot of common sense,” said one rescuer. “He learned to live off the land and never panicked even when the crows ate his tent and he ran out of salmon eggs.”

Belino lived on a diet of tree bark and salmon eggs for the first two weeks and then, craving protein he fashioned primitive weapons with which to hunt for prey. Perhaps the happiest day of that otherwise dark period came when he knocked two crows out of the sky with one rock from his sling-shot. 

“We don’t call them (salmon eggs) Rocky Mountain caviar for nothing,” said an attending physician praising the nutritional value of fish products. “Along with the eggs our patient made soup from bark, salads from leaves and munched on unsuspecting insects. Oddly enough he seems to have leaned on all the food groups. The fat free diet afforded him the opportunity to drop down to a more manageable weight class.”

According to family members Belino’s biggest problem was the lack of reading material to help him through the long nights up high. The sun was relentless during the day and the winds picked up at night making adequate shelter a main concern.

“I wandered around during the daylight hours looking for a sign, a path, some sense of my past life,” said Belino. “Often I got lost again and could not always be sure I’d find another cave or rock outcropping in which to sleep. Suddenly I realized I had been going in circles and that, most likely, after two weeks, the search had been called off. That’s when I chose life over death and began making it a priority to find comfort in the wilds.”

Then on May 12 Belino managed to signal a hang glider who called police and the now skinny hiker was plucked from the forest. At the time of the rescue, he was only 2 miles from Highway 550 in the vicinity of Corkscrew Pass.

“If I’d only kept walking I might have been able to flag down a trucker or snowplow,” he said, “but I was all turned around. I knew east from west all right but I couldn’t determine exactly where I was at a given time so I just kept walking.”

Already his Alpine Diet has received rave reviews and at least three major publishers have made lucrative offers for Belino’s story. In addition, the local media has pegged him a bonafide hero. He plans to write a combination mountaineering/cookbook as well as produce a series of maps highlighting his trek.

“It’s a sad state of affairs when stupidity of this type is so heavily rewarded,” said one officer on the scene. “If he would have stayed home watching TV like a normal person none of this would have happened.”    

– Uncle Pahgre  

How Willie Mays Learned to Handle Pitchers

Early in his career while playing for the Black Barons in Birmingham, Willie Mays hit a home run off Chet Brewer. The next time up the veteran pitcher drilled him in the arm with a fastball. No ball had ever hit him so hard. Mays crumpled to the ground and began to cry.

When he looked up Barons’ player-coach Piper Davis was glowering over him and kicked him.

“Skip, they’re throwing at me, Mays said.

“Boy, you see first base?” said Davis

“Yes, sir.”

“Point to it.”

“It’s right down there,” said Mays, motioning down the line.

“Then get up and go down there, and the first chance you get you steal second, then third.”

Davis then turned and walked back to the dugout and Mays trotted down to first.

He stole second and then third and scored on a fly ball.

Back in the dugout, Davis said, “That’s how you handle a pitcher.”

From Willie Mays, The life and Legend by James S Hirsch

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Squatters Law Exhumed

(Montrose) Western Slope residents planning to leave town this summer are warned that a remote Homestead Era squatter’s rights ordinance is still on the state books. Until the regulation is amended, local law enforcement personnel have no choice but to follow the letter of the 1870s act.

“We will continue to implement procedures for the protection of the innocent,” said a local deputy sheriff who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We don’t like squatters any more than the next guy (does) but we have sworn to uphold the law.”

What this means is that an empty house is a potential haven for the dispossessed. Often this raggedy element will swoop down onto an entire subdivision legitimately occupying private property while the owners are absent. In some cases it can take 90 to 120 days to have the intruders legally removed.

“This is particularly rough on second home owners in resort areas like Telluride and Crested Butte where part-time residents commonly spend as little as two months a year in their sanitized castles, surrounded by state-of-the-art landscaping and a three-car garage,” said county extraction agent, Suzie Compost. “Are these people expected to actually live in these trophy homes to prevent their seizure at the hands of roving mobs?”

Civilian patrols, alarm systems, guard dogs and even mine fields have as yet not detoured the squatters who often don’t work and thus have plenty of time for impertinent occupations. One home owner, attempting to ward off trespassers dug a large moat around his property only to be informed that he did not possess ample water rights to fill the thing. Another frustrated summer resident successfully chased a band of gypsies out the front door only to discover a contingent of homeless rabble occupying the kitchen and formal dining room.

“They tore down the curtains to make clothing for their naked offspring, cut down Nepalese saplings for firewood and devastated the liquor cabinet,” said victim Jack Spratt, heir to the Tampax fortune whose 73-room home sits at the top of Edith Bunker Mesa, near Colona.

Finally ATF agents raided the place when underage smoking and the presence of unregistered handguns were documented. Spratt estimates the damage to be in the neighborhood of a tax deductible $3.3 million.

“We’re up against the wall until the legislature overturns this archaic statute,” said the quoted police officer. “Considering the danger maybe they will cancel their next recess and stay home.”

Meanwhile residents are encouraged to keep alert.

“If you must leave home for recreation limit outings to day trips or hire a house sitter,” continued the deputy. “Otherwise you may end up with some unwanted roommates.”    

 Gabby Haze

“His ass is large enough for all to kiss. The ass is large enough. Wait your turn. Please don’t push.” – sign at donations cup at recent GOP Trump rally in Branson, MO. Organizers say it was illegally placed by radicals in Antifasta, Red Chinese spies and godless Socialists.


Seat Belts Could Get Expiration Dates

(Denver) The state of Colorado has decided that not only will it honor expiration dates on everything from lampshades to canned goods but will push for legislation placing time limits on safe seat belt use.

Seat Belts have survived for ten or twenty years without official examination for side effects or tainted conditions. Trusting motorists often cruise along unaware of the dangers.

“The gov’ment is still your little buddy,” said one highway patrol officer who won a trip to Disneyland for giving out 100,000 citations for seat belt infractions in August alone. One Grand Junction man received over 1700 warnings before he got smart.

“What we have here is a serious matter of lawless consumption peppered with a dwindling respect for the law. Automotive restraining devices must be checked daily for wear. Everyone must cooperate and look the same on the road,” added the veteran officer who once gave his mom a ticket for slouching behind the wheel.

Consumer advocates, slow to respond to the seat belt crisis, say that air bags are their current focus. Champions of social homogeneity say most drivers don’t realize that the bags must be checked for pressure just like tires.

“A flat air bag is of no use to anyone,” said one source behind the cosmic meat counter. “The days of cheerful Gomer Pyle service are over. Today’s motorist must familiarize himself with tread capacity enhancers and basic tire gauges. Theses can be conveniently stored under the seat adjacent to handguns.

In a related development, the U.S. Mouse of Representatives voted to suspend expiration dates on bottled water for the remainder of the session but to stamp a temporary restriction on the consumption of aged scotch whiskey and old British gins.

“If there’s dust on the bottle throw it out,” said one millionaire legislator from South Dakota. “Sure it’s a senseless overture but it’s a matter of placate or perish. How else do you think we can get the corn bill passed this year? We expect all this to die in the Senate anyway due to allegiances to the crown. The last thing the gentry there wants to do is upset Buckingham Palace right before the World Series.”

Meanwhile seat belt violations mount up with the criminal element recalcitrant to their own protection. In Montrose for instance, a 98-year-old, one-armed grandmother was cited for failure to display a seat belt on her wicker chair while operating a propane fly swatter at 2998 Yapping Dog Lane. Later the same day three illegal aliens were ticketed for improprieties regarding minimal restraining apparatus on an unregistered concubine near LaSalle Road. The list goes on. Bears in Ouray seem oblivious to the law. Residents of Telluride have been issued permits allowing leash laws to compensate for lack of adherence during parking maneuvers.

And finally, in what could become the precedent for future enforcement, the Colorado Department of Health has sealed off the men’s room at Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Feedlot Mobile Home Park. Sources there say patrons have been in violation of safety codes there since the Spanish-American War. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe    

“Maybe it’s time to move beyond the Democrats and the Republicans.”

– Sad Sack, 1943.