Sage Grouse Surrender

(Gunnison) The last remnants of the 101st Mobile Sage Grouse battalion, that has operated near Parlin for centuries, has surrendered to a group of environmentalists here. According to unreliable sources the capitulation took place just after dawn yesterday.

     Citing increased publicity regarding their plight the birds agreed that they could no longer hold out.

     “There have been over 300 stories about the endangered status of our species,” said one hen. “Well I’m here to tell you that we still exist, despite all the obsession about our well being. It’s a privacy thing. You journalists wouldn’t understand,” she said.

     After being taken into custody, the birds are expected to be housed in makeshift camps along Tomichi Creek until suitable homes can be located. In addition, animal behaviorists, living amid the flock, will be able to tabulate mating habits and social norms in an attempt to preserve the species for future generations to enjoy.

     As the curtain went down on the camps last night another crisis appeared to be averted as it was determined that the grouse preferred pretzels to potato chips and that flying around in cramped spaces was becoming a hassle.

     “OK so we’re here,” continued the hen, “the least we can do is make the best of it. These people need to lighten up, get a smile on their beaks and enjoy life. Species, like empires, come and go. What’s important is to keep your feathers straight while you’re here.”

     “I feel a lot better knowing the sage grouse are safe what with all those lynx and wolves running around,” said one county commissioner. “Now if we could get the cows to work on the highways we’d be in high cotton.”

– Fred Zeppelin  

The United States is the only nation with more civilian guns than people, with about 120 guns for every 100 Americans, 

EDITORIAL

Mandatory Helmet Laws Should Not Include Fishermen

(Gunnison) A recent flurry of control mechanisms churned out at the state level now require that fishermen operating in Colorado wear protective attire. Included on this dubious roster, along with safety shoes, plastic gloves, custodial eye-ware and eco-friendly bait, are helmets. While we might even accept that the others are functional additions to the fishing costume, the helmet fiasco borders on the ridiculous

Certainly if the angler is riding a motorcycle, doing heavy labor, listening to politicians or worried about objects falling from the sky the helmet may make sense but in most cases this is not the situation. The fisherman is simply standing on the bank or standing in the water or or sitting in his boat trying to relax and catch dinner. Why then should the gov’ment get involved? It doesn’t matter to the fish. They don’t wear anything.

Either way starting in 2013 when a fisherman buys his annual license it will include stipulations as to his ensemble while on the water. Fees have increased to include proscribed gear, tips, and little maps of streams and lakes. Out-of-state anglers will pay slightly more but will be presented with the official Colorado safety helmets at the time of purchase. Local anglers can purchase these too but will have options such as using football helmets, military issues, fruit bowls or bucolic cerebral precautionary devices created out in the garage.

Of course the situation changes when we look into fly fishing, commercial fishing, ice fishing and fishing for compliments. Then the helmet might be a necessary accessory considering piscatorial limits and the desire to keep one’s head in an emergency. But to require a poor angler to don a helmet stinks  of fascism and abuse of power.

It is reasonable to assume that the use of life vests in open water and the classification of artificial lures are subject to annual review by such institutions as the Division of Wildlife and the Denver Water Board but it’s time to stop forcing Front Range morality on simple people whose sole intention is landing a fish. If they suffer a head injury delivered from the pole or a fall on slippery rocks how much will a helmet detour? If a fisherman is the victim of an attack by a rapid fish or another angler will the wearing of a helmet protect what is important? If a tree falls in the forest what are the chances it will hit a fisherman? If an aggressive bear enters the picture a helmet won’t help.

Of corpse we concur with the authorities when it comes to stupidity on the water,. Who can forget the case of a Mancos woman who was consumed, while netting piñon sardines, by a carnivorous snail darter in heat on the waters of the Dolores just last September. Had she been wearing the suggested attire would she be with us today? And what of the soggy tennis shoe , warm beer and the swiss cheese sandwich that she left behind? A It’s a sad legacy to a life wasted through inattentive sportsmanship.

But this pathetic tale is not the norm and we should not be forced to live in the shadow of deceit, the facade of security.

– Margot Rotweiller

Nutritional Statement

San Juan Horseshoe

“Edible soy-based ink and hygienic paper from synthetic dogwood bark”

Per Serving: LOVE – 40

Serving size: 32 pages. No frills on domestic flights.

Servings per container: Enough to chew on and spit back out

Calories: Color pages only

Protein: Not particularly detectable in laboratory rats

Carbohydrates: More than a little but slightly less than a lot

Fat: Kinda but it’s late and I’m drunk.

Percent of calories from fat: Divide current body weight by IQ

Polyunsaturated: …*

Saturated…* See above

Cholesterol: Big dog

Sodium: *

Percent of recommended daily allowance (U.S. RDA)

Contains less than 2% of the nutrition of the average school lunch consisting of french fries, hot dogs and chocolate milk. Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Thiamine, Riboflavin, Niacin, Calcium and Iron forcibly removed.

*not applicable without corresponding postal code or return address

This information on fat and cholesterol is provided for individuals who, on the advice of a physician, are modifying their monthly intake of meaningless information found on labels.

“The capitalists” says Awkins with the angry gulp, “the capitalists pays (stet) the priest to tell you all abaout (stet) the next world, so you won’t notice what he’s doing in this!”

-Awkins in The Guests of a Nation by Frank O’Connor

Ex-Governor Toole Feeling Fine After Amputation

(Cody, WY) Former Dakotese Governor, Melvin Anastasia Toole was pronounced to be in good condition after the emergency amputation of his head. The radical surgery was employed after attempts to halt the spread of infectious thinking failed at the eleventh hour, according to hospital accountants.

     The said infection, which ran from Toole’s mouth to the politician’s occipital muscle and onward through his cerebral flax, was found to have degenerated beyond reasonable therapy and doctors quickly agreed to amputate the offending member, or in laymen’s terms throw out the baby with the bath water.

     Besides the primary infection Toole was found to have exhibited chronic gout breath and hints of frontal gangrene.

     “I had no idea that I was in such shape,” laughed Toole hours after the procedure. “Had I known I was walking around with all of those parts in my head I might have been more careful.”

     Doctors, at the urging of political officers here, had been treating the malady with heavy doses of television in an attempt to shock the patient back into the prescribed fold.

     “The governor stubbornly rejected our remedies and continued his attempts to sabotage the status quo,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, attending physician at the Mao Clinic here. “When he hurled two television sets through the window and trampled another in his bedroom slippers we had had enough and decided to cut.”

     Toole had only recently alarmed allies and colleagues in Colorado when he suggested that government stop lying to the people and work for the common good of all.

     “Those, my friends, are the words of a monster, a bad apple talking that must be removed from the barrel,” quipped Lackluster. “I didn’t spend all of those years in medical school for anyone’s common good.”

– Rex Montaleone

“While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” — Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice.

Mangoes, Avocados, Papayas y Bananas

My house in Jardin, Colombia. A short river walk to town surrounded by birds.

Departamento de Trabajo sugiere días estúpidos

(Washington) Para 2024 se implementará un nuevo programa federal, destinado a aliviar el estrés relacionado con el trabajo y disminuir el ausentismo de los empleados, si el Departamento de Trabajo de EE. UU. se sale con la suya.

      El proyecto, denominado The Stupid Agenda, exige la asignación de cinco días estúpidos al año por empleado. El plan se probará el próximo mes en más de 200 fábricas y plantas en todo el país y se determinará un enfoque final para el verano.

      “Si yo, el tipo, se despierta por la mañana y no puede arreglarse, puede llamar estúpido”, dijo un analista de comportamiento humano. “Es como decir que estás enfermo, pero no tienes que mentir”.

      El analista continuó diciendo que varias industrias ya honran los días de salud mental y los días de vacaciones, pero señaló que estas excusas dejan muchas áreas grises sin explorar.

      “Por supuesto que esperamos que algunos empleados aprovechen el nuevo programa y se tomen sus estúpidos días seguidos”, suspiró. “Muchos van a estúpidos cruceros o van a la estúpida Las Vegas. Dependerá de la empresa individual vigilar su propia tienda y regular la extensión de días estúpidos a personas que realmente no los merecen.

      Según fuentes no confirmadas aquí, el gobierno federal ha estado involucrado en un estúpido intercambio secreto desde 1902. Bastante aterrador, la mayoría de las decisiones importantes tomadas desde entonces fueron formuladas por funcionarios de alto nivel que habían llamado estúpidos.

      “Ya es hora de que nos deshagamos del yugo que nos dice que fuimos puestos en la tierra para trabajar”, explicó el vocero del gobierno. “El concepto de días estúpidos sirve como un recordatorio de que, cuando se trata de eso, la vida es bastante tonta en el mejor de los casos”.

-Eduardo Zapata

RIDGWAY NOTES

compiled by Uncle Pahgre

River Road Named to Who’s Who

     The 12-mile stretch known to locos as the River Road was named to The Who’s Who of Dirt Roads last night in Los Angeles. The honor, a rare accolade for roads outside the Hollywood realm, comes with a trophy and a small cash allowance.

     “Generally we see by-ways such as Penny Lane and Thunder Road walking away with the prizes,” said Dusty Washboarder, coordinator of the ceremony. “We’re happy to have the more remote roads included too. It makes for a more valid recognition.”

     A celebration to honor the River Road will be held at Black Lake on September 31. Ignore the private property signs and park wherever you like. For a detailed map check this week’s Brawl-Mart brochure. No hogs or glass cans please. 

Piggly Wiggly Eyeballs Ridgway

     A representative for the supermarket giant, Piggly Wiggly, was in town yesterday checking out potential sites for a new store. Inside sources say the spot is somewhere between Catastrophe Realty and Tail Town. Despite the fact that a supermarket already exists in the town, and the fact that residents there fought off a similar scheme by City Market five years ago, the Piggly Wiggly folks seem intent on going forward.

     “If they come in we boycott,” said Melvin Toolini, a former skeleton cleaner and veteran of the Abyssinian Campaign. “We don’t buy so much as a can of beans. This is where we draw the line or we’ll have every damn chain known to man breathing down our shorts.”

     Toolini went on to plead that residents support the existing store and refrain from doing business with chains like Piggly Wiggly, which carries with it a questionable human rights record and uses inferior shopping cart technologies.

     Plans to assassinate principles at the corporate level where tabled until further information becomes available.

TOWN TO SPRAY FOR BUDDING COUNCILMEN

     Voters in Ridgway have voted 5-1 to allow spraying for a sudden plague of budding town councilmen (buttus controlus burdockus), a dangerous weed which threatens to consume the traditional ecosystem in field and pasture here. The thistle-like plant is defined as a plant that is troublesome and worthless in the place where it is growing. Budding town councilmen can be identified due to its desire to dominate the public arena despite the fact that it has just arrived in the neighborhood. It is often irrational and transient in nature.

     “The perennials did not relocate here to assimilate with other plants,” said Estelle Marmotbreath an award-winning wattle orchid grower from Miller Mesa. “They come here and bring all their big city pollen counts with them. They think they are here to save us, but we don’t need to be fertilized. They want to do things the way they did them back in their last pasture, which if memory serves me, now lies fallow due to poor farming practices. We never had this problem when the weather was colder.”

     The systematic eradication will begin as early as healthy town leaders can be properly covered. Next week voters will again head to the polls expected to ratify a proposed ordinance that prohibits budding town councilpersons from running for public office until they have resided in the community for at least one year.

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To bellhop after the fact…lessons in sensibility

First: Never ever forget the name of a beautiful woman.

Second: Never forget the name of a beautiful woman.

Third: All women are beautiful.

-Melvin B. Toole, Barrio Laureles , Medellin Colombia, December 30, 2022