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Nascar Shelves Critical Race Theory

Nascar Shelves Critical Race Theory

Nascar drivers will forgo comment on critical race theory until after the dust settles this fall. Top performers agree that theories and postulates are no substitute for high octane gasoline and an able-bodies pit crew. Fans, they fear would only be confused by new data at this time they say.

Starbucks Purchases Ethiopia

Starbucks Purchases Ethiopia

(Addis Ababa) The Starbucks Corporation has raised the ante in the ongoing coffee wars with the acqusition of the African country of Ethiopia. The buy, for an undisclosed sum, is expected to give the coffee giant a distinct advantage over competitors around the world since a majority of the company’s beans currently come from that region.

The acquisition of Ethiopia is expected to give Starbucks direct access to at least 30% of the world’s coffee resources without the middle man. Lower cost for commodities should translate into more choices for the consumer at cheaper prices. This is the first time an international corporation has legally purchased an entire country*

What all this means for Ethiopia is anyone’s guess.

“We expect to put everyone to work producing coffee for our customers which in turn should improve the economy here,” said Sarah Bin- Latte of Starbucks.

The actual takeover will come as early as next month and, despite no announcement to relocate corporate offices, the coffee maker is realigning priorities and will establish a strong presence in Northeast Africa.

Crowds massed in Haile Selassie Square shouted slogans and burned coffee beans in protest of what they call an invasion of their homeland and the decimation of their culture by the foreigners.

“With the short exception of the Italian occupation prior to World War II, we have never been on the selling block,” said Anwar Saladin, a professor at Addis Ababa University and leading critic of the buy-out. “We were not colonized by Rome or by Napoleon and we damn sure won’t stand for this takeover by a bunch of sun-deprived yuppie executives from Seattle. It’s one thing for Starbucks to embrace fair trade agreements in the light of day and quite another to swallow up our country in the shadows of late afternoon,” he rasped.

Bin-Latte concedes that the transfer will involve some getting used to but that Starbucks is dedicated to preserving the local culture and political infrastructure.

“We are not Crusaders! We are not the Knights Templar. We don’t want to run the country. We just want to export the coffee,” she said. “We are not colonizers, only businessmen. We fully expect that everyone in Ethiopia will benefit from this full, rich experience. Let’s face it: There aren’t a lot of people eating real well here now and our presence may help relieve these social and economic ills. The investment alone should jack up the economy and we will not allow the quality of our product to be compromised simply because we have been subsequently thrust into the political arena.” 

Latte would not comment when asked if Ethiopians would soon man the thousands of Starbucks outlets worldwide.

“I cannot comment on that possibility at this time but I will say we have no agenda for lay-offs in the industrialized sector.”

Ethiopia currently ranks right up there with Colombia, Brazil, Sumatra and Vietnam as growing the tastiest coffee on earth.

Radical elements here have threatened to either destroy Starbuck installations or wait a few years and nationalize the operation. Violence toward Starbuck personnel is not expected. 

Aging financier, Daddy Starbucks could not be reached for comment regarding moves by Ethiopian dairy cows to sabotage the deal by refusing to give milk until Starbucks bails out. This morning sugar cane workers have threatened a walk-out so as to show solidarity with Saladin’s group.  

In a related development, the much publicized seizure of neighboring Somalia by Bill Gates and friends has been put on the back burner until the actual landlords/owners (if any) can be located. Warlord second and third lien holders have been the bugaboo in that potential agreement. Coastal Somalia, known to be rich in high quality, bonanza soft chips, has been coveted by computer nerds since the early Nineties. They hope to extract the micro elements through a breakthrough laser mining process that can be conducted by satellite.

– Rex Montaleone

*clandestine control of domestic economies by corporate interests has been common in emerging countries, especially in Central America and Southeast Asia, since the dawn of the 19th Century.

     

Pharmaceutical Companies Seek Drugstore Cowboys

(Gunnison) Three of the nation’s largest pharmaceutical companies were in town over the weekend interviewing drugstore cowboys for prospective positions. Of the over 200 applicants, some from as far away as Creede, 12 were invited back for a second meeting slated for Tuesday.

Slow going this time of the year and the above average wages associated with jobs in this sector were cited as reasons for the high turnout. An unusually high turnover rate among employees working in the research field may also account for the monumental response.

“Most of our applicants were interested in positions riding shotgun on drug transports or intercepting the elderly engaged in buying cheaper prescriptions in Canada or Mexico,” said one employment counselor who says she talked to at least 100 persons Saturday alone. “A few were even curious about bit parts in commercials,” she said, “but what we’re looking for is research associates.”

Research associates, as this reporter soon learned, are nothing more than guinea pigs that are paid to undergo testing of new products not yet approved by the FDA and thus not yet released to the general public. Although the pharmaceutical companies did not attempt to misrepresent their needs they were less than clear as to real opportunities.

“Nobody said nothin’ about drug tests at the barbecue last night,” said one unemployed Almont wrangler who was subsequently rejected for a research position because of the size of his ears. “We all thought these folks was legit and such.”

Another cowpuncher who claims it would take getting kicked in the head before she’d take so much as an aspirin said she felt betrayed.

“I shoulda known that when they told me I had to check my spurs at the door that something was haywire.”  

The interviews are conducted annually all over the Rockies but these were the first centered on Gunnison. 

– Signelle de Bushe

Voting By Credit Card Nets Benefits

(Washington) Voters preferring to avoid the polls this November can cast their vote by using any major credit card. When they do, they are in line for a variety of perks such as free air miles, discounts on groceries and cash advances in the former of mythical democracy.

Although it does not cost money to vote, at least the part when one journeys behind the little curtain, the electorate can keep tabs by using the plastic. Major political parties can then award each voter based on his selections. Voting a one party ticket can save up to 50% on car rentals and stack up valuable miles on participating airlines. Campaign workers, generally not paid a salary for their labor, will not have to wait for to be appointed to ambassadorships and political spoils positions like before. Now they can gain incentives right away.

“We had a guy manning the phones during the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries a few years back and he had to wait six months before being appointed to a federal judgeship,” said one party boss. “Now the same guy would gain all kinds of benefits instantly. We think this will motivate our affiliates by good ol’ American greed and know-how.”

Originators of the plan say that if a voter is active enough he could see himself ascending to a mayorship or warden of a private prison just by accumulating credit points.

“It’s just like the electoral college manipulating the actual votes of citizens,” said the same source. “Why we go to the charade of counting votes is insane. It’s almost as ridiculous as tabulating the statistics derived from the traveling census circus.”

In addition to this development the Biden camp has announced a Presidential Sweepstakes which will award one lucky voter over a million dollars after the mid-term elections. The voter will not be expected to purchase magazine subscriptions but rather simply prove he voted the right way.

“We’ll just take the prize out of their campaign chest which, according to all indications is still overflowing with cash,” said the spokesman. 

Meanwhile in the House a Guess the Pentagon Budget program, which would pay big dividends in the primaries, is reportedly in the works.

Political animals all over the country are quick to admit that these approaches may not quell voter apathy but could make voting more fun.

“We don’t bet on the elections like we do football, at least not now,” said one Senator. “It’s high time we modify the notion that the voting booth is one big confessional of democracy and get on with the crowning of the puppet kings.”

– H.L. Menoken

TEDDY BEAR HOROSCOPE

TEDDY BEAR HOROSCOPE

Everybody’s on the prowl this spring getting their lawns and gardens ready for summer We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Just check your specific star sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)

It’s hip to be unavailable. Conditions that directly affect your personal desires may go public before noon. A thumb ain’t a-worth nothin’ if you just sit on it. You are right on target…unfortunately it’s the wrong target. Presumption is no substitute for perfection. Soften arrivals with a clear date of departure. Tie up all loose canons. Passion will seek its own level. Play the role of martyr only if they give you your own dressing room with a star on the door. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)

Cut the Tinkerbell crap. Peter is with me now. Choose friends and snow tires more carefully the next time. Your faint jingle will not impress financiers down on main. Shuffle the demands of peers. Sooner or later you will get over the disappointment, not to mention the disgrace, or being dismissed from jury duty. Burn all tedious paperwork. Embrace fringe relationships. Warm, unattended cattle prods may leave one suspicious of Co-workers. Tonight: Yield signs at twenty paces.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Hopes and expectations are often attainable without a side arm. While your input will most likely be ignored, your output will be dissected. Micro-manage! Anyone can grow dreadlocks whereas growing a tail is an impressive accomplishment. Take calculated risks only if you can master the math. Narcissists make poor missionaries…Stay home and meditate to old Miles Davis ditties. Placate your ego and the big and tall shop. Tonight: Chaos in the kitchen. 

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Chronic elitism conflicts with hygiene deficiencies on your personal resume through the 15th. Brush your teeth to a different drummer. Don’t sass the weed eater. Your cosmic flow needs an oil change. Pay attention without drawing attention. Your temperament is that of a Cape Buffalo. Spend more time naked. Leading off with your wit may leave you deep in the batter’s box. Make promises to the dog only in dog language. Tonight: Run out all fly balls.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)

It’s trash day. Couldn’t you put on something nice for a change. Shifting conditions call for some fancy footwork. Despite the fact that your recent achievements have been deemed insignificant by science your glowing failures are the stuff of legends. Train robbery is a felony while writing bad checks is only a misdemeanor. Anticipate inside straights. Tonight: Do not waste time on insignificant objectives such as dinner and dirty dishes. 

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)

Your stunt person cannot go on that diet for you. Minding your own business, while safer than intrusion, can lead to a boring ledger.  It’s easier to turn the other cheek than to button your lip. You cannot listen to inner voices with the television on. An ounce of anvil is worth a pound of feathers every time. Tropical fish are not right for fondue. Wearing old socks to bed could sent the wrong message to a new lover. Tonight: Throw friends out early.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)

Keep to your own agenda when confronted by worms, grasshoppers or artificial lures. Embrace cold-blooded endeavors. Resist tendencies to flake. Beer-battered is not the proper language for the dinner table or in front of the baby fish. Bottom feeders rarely burn out in frigid waters. Privacy is the key but spawning is the instinct. Mind over matter will be ineffective if you’ve already taken the bait. Fin for yourself. There is no future being part of the chowder. Pescador: clean thyself and always watch for scales. Tonight: Surf the net.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Jupiter, your creditor planet, moves into Mercury rising but is called for an offensive foul. Mercury misses both free throws but hits the three pointer. Your transition game is out of season. Riding the bench is just an expression. Go ahead…change your hair color again – Either way you are still stuck with the same tiny brain. Learn to enjoy forced labor camps. Cultivate feedlot relationships. Wearing those chaps backwards may seem inconsequential to you but your horse knows the difference. Tonight: Barbecued chicken in the hallway. 

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)

Have faith in a higher power but always get a receipt. Keep your head in the clouds and your knuckles on the pavement. You can easily increase your income by making more money. You are as discreet as a caiman at a poodle convention. Milking the proverbial brown cow may leave the pasture in distress. Formula for survival: 5 % inspiration, 95% perspiration. Circling buzzards may have something to say about career aspirations. Tonight: Change your name to something exotic.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

While a closed mind may not open many doors, dirty windows often thwart the advance of intrusive public opinion. Reliance on child-like clarity may be deemed as juvenile in sandbox circles. The habit of looking over one’s shoulder has produced deformities in laboratory rats. Laughter is not always better than tears – It’s just easier to clean up afterwards. Tonight: Let the TV watch you for a change. 

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

  Innocent flirtations could be misconstrued leading traumatic interludes and felonious spats. Avoid panic situations. There is no sense being king of the hill when all the action is going on down at the beach. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers start flying it can get downright ugly. Focus on what you are good at…Use a microscope. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Tonight: scapegoat on the grill.

LEO (July 24 – August 23)

Act on the inconsequential. Store good intentions in a cool, dry place. Flanking movements near the time clock will not catapult you into an executive position. Don’t take adversaries for granted…Take them to Cleveland. Is there no end to your limitations? Let others work overtime. Be alert to people camping in your yard. Intuition is always lower at state colleges. Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. Tonight: Cheap beer and caviar

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)

Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul

(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are at least ninety percent within recognized pews.

“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counter, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”

Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.

“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.

Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.

“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”

At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.

“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”

Tommy Middlefinger

“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?” Allessandro  Giuliani to Nicolo in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin