All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
CRESTED QUIZ
Take the quiz. It makes more sense than the weather this season. All the good things in life are free. Besides, you’re this far into it. If you answer all of the questions correctly you need to get out of town more often.
1. If Bozar called the shots the White House would be what color?
2. Since the 1860s the dance of choice in the Slate River Valley has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway d.) the Polka.
3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock formations exist inside the Mt. Crested Butte city limits. Can you name them all?
4. Name the members of D.D. and the Bomb Squad. What was the title of their third album?
5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for a big cleanup. b.) have a lot of mouths to feed. c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen. What about 200 burritos?
6. Several wonderful inventions came about here. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.) Snow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain bikes
7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two blocks and take another left, than a right, then another left and go straight what would you run into?
8. Ruby Irwin refers to:
a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveta cheese and molybdenum.
b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who summers here.
c. The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.
d. A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.
9. During the boom days of the early 1900s what great Crested Buttian made up the schedule for two-story outhouse use during mud season?
10. In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accordion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and Cafe? What’s the scene there in 2026?
11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing company d.) a very successful guide and outfitting enterprise.
12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.) grits would have replaced home fries as a staple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone With the Wind would have been filmed in Rhode Island.
13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and Painter Boy have in common?
14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the 1890s, housed a still, and was not used to store hair as the story goes.
15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and runs through ____. (Temperatures not technicalities)
16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realtors in Crested Butte. (Use your calculator on this one).
17.) One has reached coolness in Crested Butte when a.) you own a complete set of tire chains for your mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s office gives you a nickname c.) the restaurants serve you breakfast after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express drivers wave at you on Highway 135. e.) all of the above.
18.) Where would the premier showing of the film Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970? a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.
19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace and tranquillity of Crested Butte in the late 19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.) Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.
20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named: a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery b.) out for a walk c.) the premise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.
21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.) because it was made of wood, not of bricks b.) to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect the insurance when the mines weren’t producing d.) because wood burning ordinances prohibited it from burning up.
22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking lot in April.
23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?
24.) What are the seven naughty words never to be uttered on KBUT?
25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch d.) Robert Parker.
Bonus Math Question: If the average income in Gunnison county is $35,000 and the average cost of purchasing a home is $525,000 how can Jack and Jill continue to live up on the hill?
– Mel Toole
Fly Swatter Handicaps Deadline Told
Attention: All Fly Swatting Handicaps are due to be registered by May 1. Failure to register your 2025 numbers could result in penalty time in a buzzing bunker next spring. Meanwhile keep your fly killer talents and potential in sync all winter. Novice classes begin in April 15.
Fumar puros no es un pasatiempo
(Rio Sucio) La práctica o el hábito de fumar puros no merece la consideración de pasatiempo, según el Consorcio Norteamericano de Diversiones y Bordados. El comité, integrado por personas sin nada más que hacer en todo el día, revocó una decisión previa tomada en marzo, de la que informa este periódico.
Durante una reunión cargada de emociones, varios defensores del hábito de fumar puros encendieron sus cigarrillos y luego salieron furiosos de la sala.
La votación final, de 5 a 0, rechazó reconocer el hábito de fumar puros como un pasatiempo legítimo. En una acción posterior, el grupo dio un giro radical sobre la situación del coleccionismo de sellos, que también se consideró inmoral hace casi tres meses.
“No hay nada obsceno en guardar sellos en un álbum de recortes y luego olvidarse de ellos”, declaró el grupo.
Como era de esperar, el anuncio evitó hacer comentarios sobre el uso de pegamento para aviones en espacios reducidos y el cultivo de hierbas peligrosas. No se espera una respuesta dura por parte de los fumadores de puros ni de la Hermandad Nacional de Humidores.
-Fanny Fumes
LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED
(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 21.
The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them.
A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.
If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 99-cent stamps for April Fools.
-Gabby Haze
Plastic diapers blamed for behavior disorders
Hemp the Savior?
(Yellow Rock) The use of plastic disposable diapers is being blamed for the rise in insanity in civilized cultures according to pediatricians from here to Brownsville. Aside from the obvious psychological damage that occurs when baby is left too long in any soiled duds the employment of disposable diapers may be the root of the rampant social disorder that has plagued the planet since turn of the last century.
Pop culture icons agree that plastic diapers made their opening statement in 1948 and were embraced by mothers (and fathers) who could afford what was considered a luxury.
Despite the great invention, trouble was ahead. No diapers to wash but was baby different than before? Were these diapers really such a good idea? Were infants wearing these disposables losing ground both physically and mentally due to chemicals and plastic embracing their sensitive skin? Were babies becoming psychopathic because they wore disposable crotch threads?
Some doctors say that a baby experiences gratification and security by touch at a young age. What can we expect when he or she is living in plastic and adhesive instead of soft cotton and safety pins? Super-absorbent polymers, resealable tape, elastic waistbands. Was this the stuff of cribs and changing tables in the future?
Navel intelligence tells us there is less than 10% collateral damage here but is not clear what harm is done by the very nature of the garment. Unfortunately the key witnesses who are still parading around in disposable diapers are not likely to have mastered the language at that young age and thus cannot to tell us much about the nitty gritty reality.
Then there is the environmental impact. Disposable is a two-headed monster and convenience comes at a high price. In just a dozen years discarded plastic diapers would account for 1.5% of the municipal waste in the country. In 2050 the diapers pitched in a landfill today will just begin biodegrading.
One solution is to begin producing diapers from hemp which is comfortable, sturdy, cheap and last virtually forever. Although many parents are hesitant due to ignorance of hemp which has long been associated with the drug culture. Hemp diapers are ecologically friendly and cost a fraction of the plastic variety. Yes, they must be washed but considering the fiscal and environmental benefits it is clearly worth it. Already astronauts, the incontinent and a host of little circus dogs have been wearing hemp nappies for years to glowing reports. The more industrial versions have been known to empower Democrats to present longer speeches and control wikileaks in aging Republicans.
One researcher, speaking on the condition that he not be associated with diapers of any kind said, “Virtually everyone in civilized society has worn plastic diapers and everyone is basically nuts. Logic is logic.
– Dag Katz
RV Ascends Mt. Taco
(Ridgway) Just when you think the last RV has flown south for the rest of the winter the unexpected happens. Last night a 4500 foot, self-contained, Open Road RV successfully ascended 14,001-foot Mt. Taco in the San Juan Mountains. Driven by Beth and Walter Whisper of Sun City, Arizona, the slow-moving recreational vehicle reached the top at about 4 pm Rocky Mountain Time much to the relief of a line of traffic they had held up on County Road 5.
“Many of our neighbors thought it was Santa’s sleigh at first but the `I’m spending my children’s inheritance’ mud flaps gave it away,” said a local sheriff’s deputy who asked not to be associated with any of this.
Authorities have been in contact with the pilot and co-pilot (the Whispers) in an attempt to determine whether the feat was conducted by plan or if the visitors had simply lost their way on the trip back to Grand Canyon State. Either way it is hoped that the RV has been stocked with provisions since the earliest rescue is projected for late May.
It was not clear if the Whispers carried tire chains or sandbags on their epic (albeit foolhardy) journey.
DEER HITS ELK ON HIGHWAY 550
(Colona) A 250-pound mule deer collided with a 800-pound bull elk near here last night causing a few tense moments for motorists traveling home during rush hour. Although the incident had the earmark of a major disaster there were no serious injuries reported. Damage is estimated at about $3500 as the mule deer sustained some front-end damage and the elk suffered an electrical setback.
According to a ranger with the Division of Wildlife the accident was unavoidable and, since the hapless herd animals have no visible assets, no ticket was issued.
“It’s amazing that we don’t have more of this type of thing what with the lackadaisical migratory habits of these big galoots,” said the spokesperson. “They never look where they’re going but at least these bozos were wearing feet belts!”
The deputy declined to comment further as he was called off to investigate the presence of a rather large RV perched/stuck near the summit of Mt. Taco above the town of Ridgway.
EAT MORE ROUGHAGE, DOW WARNS DEER
(Denver) Wildlife experts over at the DOW on Broadway are warning deer to eat more roughage and avoid burning the candle at both ends during the winter months. Most of the animals, they insist, reach burnout point way before the spring thaw because they don’t take care of themselves.
“The level of decadence that gets them through the night can be just as dangerous as skiing or sky diving if one isn’t prepared both physically as well as mentally,” said a DOW pencil man on his way out to lunch.
Designated herds have already been enrolled in group therapy here where that move is appropriate according to sources on the Western Slope where deer are as thick as Kangaroos in Alice Springs. It is from within this pool that natural selection will determine “the chosen” who will enjoy the paradise that is summer in Colorado.
The overpopulation of deer and elk (not to mention mountain lions, moose and bear) near state and federal highways, and especially on county roads has always a nightmare for drivers after dark. Despite years of investigation (migration patterns) and millions of dollars spent (deer fence) to control the migrations of these beasts the problem has not been alleviated
“The way we see it we have two choices,” said Averill Fireaway, a spokesman for Elk Steak For Breakfast, “either we shoot the deer and have a bonanza barbecue or we go back to horseback and carriages.”
Most residents concede that deer fence helps but it is limited. Other parties are not so sure as Fireaway what direction to follow. Many feel the DOW is pampering the animals and yet they say let nature take its corpse.
-Fred Zeppelin