All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Trump Tours, on the brink of another bankruptcy, expands VIP treks and cruises
Readers are hereby informed that red-eyed Trump Tours will offer discount all-inclusive journeys to include: Caracas, Tehran, Havana, Greenland. The Vatican, Kiev, Ottowa and Minneapolis this month. With Beirut, Yemen and Lagos stints and expansions coming this fall. Trump Tours has struggled of late in that most potential clients do not want to travel to these environs with red caps and do not trust the operators to provide sufficient security in these hot spots.
7,000 pound yellow carp pulled from Blue Mesa
(Iola) A massive yellow carp was hauled in by local man, Melvin Testline Toole, Saturday. The exotic garbage fish weighed in at just over 7,000 pounds making it the largest fish ever caught in the free world. Toole was quickly surrounded by an adoring public and is expected to be offered lucrative endorsement contracts due to his feat.
“Hell, it ain’t nothin’,” spat the angler when interviewed by The Horseshoe. “Just look at the diminished water level in the lake without this baby swimming around in there. Carp tastes like carp. I’d throw the damn thing back but I’m afraid the sudden surge in the water level would wash out the dam and flood Delta!”
-Tommy Middlefinger
ST. ROSCOE APPEARS TO WAL-MART SHOPPERS
Montrose) The patron of excessive consumerism, St. Roscoe of Mesquite, reportedly appeared to several hundred Wal-Mart enthusiasts as they left the outlet Friday. The Christmas season generates colossal throngs of witless vendees and countless millions of dollars for the Arkansas- based discount house as mindless shopping herds get into the holiday spirit.
St. Roscoe urged the faithful to spend more money, often physically pushing some of the fringe element back into the store. He assured late arrivals and the uninitiated that they would be rewarded for spending right up to the limit on their credit cards.
“It’s all fine and dandy to spend the week’s paycheck on items marked down from the regular price,” proclaimed St. Roscoe, who reputedly paid the Vatican $250,000 for the sainted status back in 1993.
The last documented sighting of the consumer saint occurred two years ago when St. Roscoe appeared to a contingent of gamblers enjoying the new casinos in Cripple Creek. That time he showed up in a powder blue leisure suit and white loafers. This latest visit featured Roscoe in a more subtle getup characterized by a plumed top hat made in Canada, Palestinian fatigues and beaded moccasins made in Taiwan. This ensemble was underscored by green and white Dutch argyle socks and a snappy Mexican bolo tie presented to Roscoe by a former governor of Sonora in 1983. A crisp, silk Parisian cape complimented the entire costume emphasizing the saint’s loyalty to mass marketing and lip service to products made in the U.S.A.
“The frugal shall inherit the earth while the spendthrift shall enter the Kingdom of Mass Merchandizing,” wailed Roscoe from his new found perch above a line of shopping carts. Give Caesar what is Caesar’s and give Wal-Mart what is Walmart’s!”
The saint then used a chaotic fender-bender as a diversion, stole a 1959 Ford station wagon from the parking lot and headed off toward Gunnison. He has not been seen since.
Mountain Express to run buses on discarded phone books
(Crested Butte) In what experts are calling a revolutionary fuel saving effort, Mountain Express buses will begin burning unclaimed/discarded phone directories as of July. The gratis Crested Butte bus service is currently using an assortment of cooking oil, fossil fuels and good will to keep the service afloat.
At the time of this writing there are an estimated 40 different telephone books circulating Gunnison County alone. According to unconfirmed sources if every person in the county used 5 phone directories in a year that would leave some 700,000 books collecting dust. The number of books from other locales smuggled into area during the summer months is, according to spleen counters, impossible to estimate.
Fears that the directories might fall into the hands of international terrorists prompted a no lo contesto gov’ment intrusion policy in the alternative use program.
“We can operate our fleet on half that many,” said a spokesman for Mountain Express. “Since storage is limited, and because there will be new books coming off the press we plan to give some of the leftover books to the indigent for use in cooking. The rest will most likely be used to wallpaper Totem Pole Park.
The application of the recycled phone books is expected to relieve the rising cost of more traditional fuels and provide reading material for people bored with the alpine scenery here in one of so many paradises.
“We will have to forgo fuel-injected engines and continue to shun air-conditioning, but these measures will pay for themselves by ski season,” said D. Tucker, former Executive Director of Humane Services for the company. “In addition I am ordering all current bus drivers to shave their heads for improved visibility, high altitude velocity and streamline-dynamics.”
Several publishers of the junk phone books, chosen at random for comment, did not return our calls Friday since we do not have a phone.
Anyone finding himself with more directories than necessary should call Mountain Express to arrange pickup. Books with pages missing will not be accepted.
– Suzie Compost
Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2030?
(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.
The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.
“The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”
The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.
“The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope.
The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile.
“It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal.
– St. Roscoe of Preakness
Los konkani “no se divierten mucho” con los chistes sobre el salmón
(Gunnison) Manteniendo un perfil bajo, como de costumbre en esta época del año, muchos konkani del oeste de Colorado no están contentos con el aumento de insultos sobre especies y géneros que les lanzan pescadores, navegantes y otros peces.
Los konkani, a quienes se les ha asociado durante mucho tiempo con la desorientación, la rigidez estacional y el suicidio, afirman que se les ha etiquetado maliciosamente y que las creencias comunes son erróneas.
Según los cabilderos de los ingeniosamente llamados Estanques de Truchas de las Montañas Rocosas, los peces se comportan de forma extraña. Han perdido toda motivación y apenas comen. Simplemente flotan, manteniéndose a flote, haciendo ese ridículo gesto con los labios. Los expertos concluyen que limitar las críticas podría ayudarlos a recuperar el entusiasmo por la vida que tenían antes.
“Estos konkani son muy sensibles. No son truchas”, dijo Philip Snagge, entrenador de vida silvestre. “Los ataques, aunque sean en broma, pueden tener efectos adversos en todo el clan konkani”.
A los pescadores que visitan la zona durante el verano se les recuerda que limiten las conversaciones y practiquen ejercicios estratégicos de captura y liberación hasta el otoño, cuando puedan capturar grandes cantidades de este delicioso pez de carne roja.
“Ya sea sobre el agua o bajo ella, todos debemos vivir juntos en este planeta”, dijo Snagge.
“Intentemos un poco de amor y tolerancia este verano”
– Alfalfa Romero
RIP: Robert Duval. A talent not to be replaced.
