All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Hermits to host mixer

(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 2 and 3 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two day affair.

     Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of  their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.

     “Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”

     Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.

     “There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”

     Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.

     “We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.

     Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.

     We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?” – Melvin Toolski

Rockies Relocate Bull Pen to Western Slope

Mooove seen as foolhardy, reckless by league bosses

(Gunnison) The Colorado Rockies, beside themselves with the performance of the relief pitching thus far this season, have decided on the risky, yet seemingly logical relocation of their bull pen to Gunnison.

     Desperate for a solution to late inning collapses, blown saves and generally poor play the team announced the changes this morning.

     “We plan to bring our entire relief staff to Gunnison to be closer to the cows…and since there are so many distractions in Denver,” said High Hurdle, Director of Player Motivation. “We hope that the bull pen will thrive in a more agricultural environment. There are more cows there per capita and since the baseball program at Western State college was terminated back in the 80s, there we can always get a field for practices.

     Heavy hitters in Gunnison and the surrounding area are invited to participate in the last ditch attempt to save the season.

     “Come out and face our best relief pitchers and you could win a turkey or maybe even a car,” said Hurdle. “Helmets will be provided, just bring your own spikes.”

     The search for competent relief staff will reportedly continue through August at which time the team will officially give up until next year.

     “Hypnotism hasn’t worked, bonuses haven’t worked,” said Hurdle. “Maybe a few months commuting to the mound from Gunnison will do the trick. A little fresh air can do amazing things.”

     Sources within the bovine sector in Gunnison had no comment on the matter at press time.

– Zorro DesPlants

Lip Reading Offered by Motor Vehicle

(Montrose Bad Language Lab)

     A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.

     The course, conducted for all, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.

     “The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on in summer, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and often vulgsar suggested ideas will flow.”

     O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television addicts. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.

     “They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said the heralded director. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”

     Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relieve this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.

     Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative exchanges hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.

– Attila Diggins

Schicklgruber family sues Trump for plagiarism

(Munich)  Because Adolf Hitler’s father Alois was born out of wedlock, the Nazi leader used the last name “Schicklgruber” until adulthood.

Long before, In 1876, Alois changed his last name to “Hitler,” when he added his stepfather’s name to his birth certificate. More recently, descendants have gone back to the original Schicklgruber, apparently not wanting to use the named Hitler due to possible negative associations to mass murder and  genocide.

The word schicklgruber is translated from Austrian-German (Adolf’s birth tongue) as “money-grubber”  or “fate-digger”.

The above-mentioned legal action claims that the part-time resident of the White House, Donald J. Trump did willfully and menacingly steal speeches from the Fuher and has cherry-picked passages from other writings, particularly Mein Kampf and a particularly dreary, and little known, Liebe und Lebensraum, a pathetic, drug-laced romance novel penned by Hitler (the spicy scenes  reputedly created by Rudolf Hess) while the former cooled his heels in Lansberg Prison in 1924.

If the mustachioed Corporal Hitler had been snuffed at the Battle of Galicia/Lemberg (August–September 1914) like more than 450,000 Austria-Hungarian and Russian combatants, none of this would have mattered and the author of this piece could be sitting in his sunny Antioquia  plaza sipping lattes and anejo rum, gazing at beautiful women instead of pontificating up here in a shabby treehouse redoubt.

Dire warnings began flooding in way back in 1924, with one ultra-critical uncle red flagging Germany’s future leader.

“I’d damn sure keep an eye on that swarthy bastard. He’s a wing nut without a washer.” – Uncle Otto Hitler, Swabian cabinet maker

“He was a nice kid before the Great War and before he donned that stupid mustache.” – Helga Schicklgruber, maternal grandmother’s third cousin and occasional gardener.

“Be careful of Adolf. He’s not quite right.” – Rolf Greeger, fellow Austrian soldier, who spent time in the trenches with Hitler despite bone spurs that should have kept him back in Berlin for the duration of the conflict.

“I know nothing.” – Sergeant Hans Schultz, fictional German guard in Luft Stalag 13 (Hogan’s Heroes television program).

-Fred Zeppelin

Stacking Wood For Spring Still Requires Building Permit

(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the this spring first you must acquire a building permit from the appropriate gov’ment entity. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.

     Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.

     Although thought to be extreme by some, the new litigation should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of intensive beer drinking at the ball further clouded the public appraisal.

     The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before Memorial Day, according to a source there.

     “At least we’re the ones they show on TV interviews, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one council member.

     The weekly council meetings are shown on closed circuit TV every Monday night following I Love Lucy.

     Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, local politcos, bruised by recent local labor strife, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.

     Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there could be indicted for disturbing the peace unless they are doing it according to pre-approved exercise regimens.

– Rocky Flats

Gen de la Realeza Aislado

(Vail) El tan buscado Gen de la Realeza, esa unidad hereditaria que determina quién pertenece a la realeza y quién no, ha sido descubierto en ratas de laboratorio en un búnker subterráneo en las profundidades de la cordillera de Gore Tex. Conocido por los expertos como el Gen de la Reina, que también forma parte de un cromosoma, el Gen de la Realeza parece ser más prolífico en poblaciones de ratas que presumen de herencia real o privilegios debido a su dinero en el banco.

“Si se creen reyes, tienen más probabilidades de ser coronados reyes que una rata común en la calle buscando comida”, dijo un investigador que no estaba cualificado para hablar sobre el asunto y exigió animosidad.

     Lo que indican los postulados que surgen de estos hallazgos es que (según el difunto y gran inspector John Musick) “el acervo genético se está convirtiendo en un charco genético” y que solo unos pocos vivirán el estilo de vida suntuoso que tantos anhelan. Para evitar parecer políticamente incorrectos o insensibles, los científicos insistieron cuidadosamente en que el llamado Gen Reina no tenía nada que ver con preguntas relacionadas con la preferencia sexual.

El mayor problema al que se enfrentan ahora es encontrar suficientes ratas voluntarias para continuar los experimentos.

“Las pruebas que se realizan aquí no son más dañinas que una simple vacuna contra la gripe”, explicó el científico. “Por muy descabellado que parezca, necesitamos que estos roedores intervengan ahora, ya que son parte integral del programa.

Cómo lidian las ratas con los residuos, con la realidad aparentemente desequilibrada, es asunto suyo”, dijo el investigador.

– Small Mouth Bess