All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
California Admits Faults
In a departure from the flash and glitter, California today admitted its faults. In a repentant, unbecoming mood, the state identified both Calaveras and San Andreas Faults as its own.
The Golden State reportedly hopes that by coming out of the closet on this, it can better accept the reality of earthquakes and climate disorders down the road. It is surmised that a higher level of trust might be attained with neighboring states in the event of projected problems all along the Pacific Rim.
Most faults are either planar fractures or a discontinuity in a volume of rock. The displacement occurs along these fractures as a result of earth movement. Earthquake magnitude can be measured by these mega-thrusts, while prediction is often left to seismic scales due to molecular shifts and geological phenomenon active in affected regions.
In a prepared statement a state geotechnical engineer confided to reporters that California is seeking help and is enrolled in primary therapy aimed at identifying and correcting imbalances in the social fiber (faults).
As a gesture of sincerity, the Pacific Rim state has already agreed to reevaluate standing water agreements with several Rocky Mountain States, embracing conservation this time around. A persistent drought has complicated negotiations, often clouding the issues, resulting in misconceptions as to the priorities of the players.
“We’d like to see a moratorium on new golf courses and swimming pools,” said Colorado Rep Oral Noise, (Unitarian-Pueblo). “A fervent display of progressive ideals such as this might help everyone keep his boat afloat.”
– Cowboy Mountain Man
Cigarette Tax Would Fund Firing Squads
(Lake City) A proposed cigarette tax would help defer the cost of providing regional firing squads, according to anti-smoking advocate Senator Oral Noise. The honorable politician made this statement while hunting with a host of wealthy, crooked politicans including local standout Cyril Rathboner, in Hinsdale County yesterday.
Most of the revenue collected through taxation would go directly for the squads,” said Noise, “with about 40 percent easily gobbled up by administrative cost. We feel that this plan earmarks the funds for one specific purpose and does not place the money in a cookie jar pork barrel accessed by too fingers.”
Noise did not comment on the further disbursement of taxes, saying that he would wait until after his election to elaborate on the matter.
Firing squads are employed by many law enforcement agencies across the state, and due to the traditional last minute ritual, have been associated with smoking for centuries. Anti-tobacco conerns have come unglued at these proposals citing health risks of smoking.
“We don’t know how the public will react to this gesture,” smiled Toole, “or who might benefit from the suggested reapportionment.
– Pepper Salte
Kissinger escapes from Hell
Henry Kissinger made a daring escape from hell last night in a preposterous lunge through the main gate while security demons were busy tormenting other lost souls.
Kissinger reportedly jumped three stories to the river Acheron where a small craft waited for him. Dark angels followed him to the Cocytus and across the Styx before giving up the chase.
The former Secretary of State is allegedly the first condemned soul to ever to accomplish the feat. Unreliable sources in Hades say he had a desperate plan and accomplices.
“We got a last look at him emerging from the Styx with with former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet Ugarte under one arm and Jorge Rafael Videla, his Argentine genocidal buddy under the other.
“This is not some drama, some dress rehearsal, some illusionary truth. He is gone,” said the fallen angel.
– Bernardo O’Higgins
APOLOGY
We mistakenly printed a story entitled “Perhaps your mistress needs cleaning” when I should have read “Perhaps your mattress needs cleaning”. We are sorry for this insensitive, mysogynistic and mindless mistake. We sincerely hope that no long lasting damage has occurred within the already vulnerable social strata of the modern west.
Posers Surpass Brummagems, Frauds
People Watchers International says posers in the developed world have surpassed records set long before selfies, GPS, cell phones or AI arrived to help us have a better life as robots and orcs.
The borderline group has reluctantly studied a myriad of vivid, albeit glassed over, formulas, fears, explanations and stubborn mysteries for over 60 years leaving many contributors stumped with new riddles unsolved or still in paring mode.
When asked what conundrum stood out the most in his memory one snooping associate laughed. “We still haven’t figured out why there are more horses’ asses than horses, but we’re working on it.”
-compiled with the assistance of the San Juan Horseshoe —“The newspaper that can spell Uncompahgre backwards”
Vistors and guests:
While in Colorado this fall don’t miss the local and highly cosmetic Poser’s Ball held everyday in ski areas across the state.
No dogs, no alcohol, no loitering
Plan to create more land gets commissioner approval
(Almont) A sweeping new blueprint which would effectively create more land in Gunnison County got by a major stumbling block Thursday as the Gunnison Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to give the plan a go.
The concept, brainchild of Tiera Tiera Tiera, a Gothic-based geophysical consulting firm, calls for the expansion of current acreage some 10% each year over the next few years resulting in an additional 145,000 acres at the end of the program, which is expected to be concluded before 2030.
Cold to the idea for years, the commissioners warmed up when told that the additional expansion would be comprised of 40% wetlands and another 35% dark timber contemporary, comparable to the Ohio Pass region and lands above Crested Butte. The remaining 25% of the new land would be alpine and sub-alpine tundra.
Environmentalists reportedly have reserved final comments until a public hearing, slated for early March. Although cynical at first, many seem to have adopted the idea from a custodial standpoint allowing potential conservation measures to overcome preliminary fantasies and physical laws.
“We can envision acres of greenbelt, surrounded by Nature Conservatory parcels dotting the landscape,” said one HCCA source. “We know what these people are up to and it has to do with feeding the building boom. Sure, we can tolerate a few more trophy homes just so long as at least half of the land is protected from development for all time.
Someday soon working families will be able to afford to build a house on a piece of this newly generated soil according to TTT, alluding to endless longitudes and latitudes. This synthetic sagebrush and sediment will soon host top soil and healthy trees allowing more of the comforts wage earners deserve and economic security —an embrace of a more functional family life amid the chaos of 2026.
If the land expansion goes as proposed, Gunnison County officials will be hard pressed to find enough wildlife to fill the newly created vacuum. Expanding the current deer and elk herds won’t be much of a chore but attracting more of the right kind of exotic predators such as wolves, cougars, moose, bruins, trout and twice the eagle population could take decades. All parties agree that preserving the food chain, regarding people remains a top priority.
“People take the elements of living here for granted,” said one commissioner. “Do they think all of these animals just showed up last night? And what of the trees and plants? It took generations for these intricate elements to meld as one ecosystem. If we are going to pursue this exiting experiment with space we want to do things right. Rushing into a poorly conceived notion at this point could cause the mountains to flatten out and the rivers to overflow. It will spell trouble down the road.”
Already the largest county in Colorado, the newly emerging landscape could, in a few years, represent a mass larger than several New England states and the District of Columbia combined.
“We’re not map snobs,” said a spokesman for Tiera Tiera Tiera, “or megalomaniacs intent on expanding our reality for the sake of power or profit. We just want to offer rural counties the option of positive growth beneficial to everyone, you know, more elbow room. When the first pioneers arrived they didn’t have to deal with land use codes, covenants or easements. Why? Because there was more than enough room for everyone, except of course uncooperative residents like the Utes and the Grizzly Bear.”
Whether the existing population centers will expand has not been discussed at press time nor was the necessary construction of new roads connecting old land with new. Percentages of vertical to horizontal parcels likewise has not been undressed.
“We’d like to see more people able to buy land, more animals grazing, more water, said one commissioner, “and, yes, even more sagebrush. Let’s not forget the sagebrush.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“You will never find peace with these fascists
You’ll never find friends such as we
So remember that valley of Jarama
And the people that’ll set that valley free.
From this valley they say we are going
Do not hasten to bid us adieu
Even though we lost the battle at Jarama
We’ll set this valley before we’re through.
All this world is like this valley called Jarama
So green and so bright and so fair
No fascists can dwell in our valley
Nor breathe in our new freedoms air.”
