All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

SAN JUAN SHAVINGS

Local celebrities to give away money

(Telluride) A contingent of recognized celebrities, and some what think they are such, has formulated a strict arrangement that should allow them to rejoin the ranks of mortals. The luminaries currently share space on the planet with the masses and have apparently now turned their illustrious heads toward parity for all.

     The blueprint calls for committed celebrities to leave baskets of cash all over San Miguel and Ouray Counties marked “Please accept this cash donation with best regards”. It is then signed by the donor with either his/her real name or a stage name.

     “For instance Sylvester Stallone might sign his basket `Rambo’ or Dennis Weaver might have written `Chester’ on his offering,” said Melvin Toole, coordinator of the event and the self-professed only honest man left in either county. “Imagine the relief as these notables get rid of the trappings of fame and success. Imagine the happiness these gifts will bring to residents of the San Juans who have just paid income taxes and are waiting to refill coffers after the winter. It’s like a local lottery where someone actually has a chance in hell of winning something,” he sobbed. “It’s beautiful.”

     The celebrity consortium, numbering over 50 people will give away an estimated 4.8 million dollars over the next two months, holding back a few thousand dollars to get them through until the next film or book hits the money machine.

     “It’s really no big deal,” said one renown director. “Easy come…easy go, you know.”

     Some of the rich and famous have not joined in the mass hand outs preferring to keep their booty for themselves. Critics suggest that somewhere down the road these persons will be lost in the shuffle.

     “How will people be able to determine real celebrities from plain old people who just happen to be rich,” suggests Toole. “Talk about buying notoriety. Oh, my. We’ve opened up Pandora’s Box once again.”

     Although no names were named Toole insists that this phenomenon is real and that locals should keep an eye on the mailboxes, be on the lookout for discarded grocery sacks and shoe boxes and leave their car windows open so as to be receptive to abrupt deposits.

RIDGWAY GETS CRIME GRANT

(Tail Town) Ridgway has been named the recipient of a $300,000 grant which seeks to bring the criminal element into town government. The money will be spent to lure low lifes into the town infrastructure so that the town council can rationalize hiring more police officers.

     “It’s a win-win situation here,” says Suzie Compost, director of criminal activities for the council. “It’s simple supply and demand politics in full regalia. We like it.”

     The grant came faster than expected, especially considering that it had to be approved on the state level. First, local police were complaining about nothing to do, nobody to arrest. Second, they (the cops) started hanging out in front of the bars, shadowing revelers. Third, the revelers got mad and complained back to the town council. Fourth, the council decided to shift the heat and petitioned the state to do something.

     “We’re amazed at the speed of the response,” said Compost. “Usually they take longer than that to get their pencils sharpened every day. It’s shocking. We’re not ready to put the plan into action and already strange persons have been arriving in town, some with tattoos. Maybe we’ll just deputize all the newcomers. That could work. Either way, it should be an interesting summer.”

ALIENS TO SKIP ROSWELL UFO REUNION THIS SEASON

(Norwood) Space travelers from distant stars will avoid landing near Roswell, New Mexico this summer due to the presence of some 2,000 cosmos and omniverse campers who have paid $90 for the privilege of camping there. The aliens instead plan a small reunion here. The campers will sleep at the site of a purported spacecraft crash in 1947.

     UFO aficionados will engage in the week-long celebration in early July, commemorating the anniversary of the alleged sighting, called “dubious at best” by the Air Force. Meanwhile the supposed alien clique will gather on Wright’s Mesa.

     Forward agents for the aliens have already booked hotels and the grocery, bars and liquor stores are gearing up for what may be the most lucrative week of the summer.

    “This could be bigger than the Prairie Dog Shoot,” said a Norwood firewater merchant.  “It’s tough to know what to order, though. I don’t know what aliens drink.”

     The aliens reportedly chose Norwood since the town has a reputation for tolerance.

     “We’ve had to tolerate all those refugees from Telluride over the years,” said one resident who asked not to be named. “That’s no simple chore, you know.”

      A rancher near Roswell found debris on July 8, 1947, including some sort of flying disc which the Air Force said was part of a top secret monitoring balloon.

     “The Air Force has been spying on our cows for the past 20 years and they’ve denied that too,” said our chatty source. Now they say there are no UFOs around here despite the fact that everyone has seen them three or four times at the least. Imagine that.”

FEDS RAID HORSESHOE WEB SITE

(Colona) Combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Infestation, the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution and the Newt-Whirled Order carried out an intricate predawn raid of the San Juan Horseshoe Web Site near here. The once secret location was tear gassed,  burned to the ground, its apparatus hauled off to crime laboratories for extensive testing.

     The law enforcement agencies found cellular phones, a laptop computer, an extensive file with the home numbers of local pizza delivery personnel, a Confederate flag, some stale doughnuts, an 800 number, empty beer cans and a clock radio. They think the operators of the web site might have been spying for North Korea, Iran or both. In addition, preliminary data, collected on the spot, suggests a connection with the infamous Colona Mail Order Husband Ring that was brought to its knees, with the help of local informants, in March.

     This is the second successful haymaker delivered by the FBI in as many years. Readers may choose to recall the apprehension of Red McSwill or Log Hill Mesa who, doing business as Red’s Garage, was indicted for tampering with local odometers during the Nixon Presidency. He is currently serving a prison sentence in his mother-in-law’s home at Nucla.

SLEEPING INDIAN PRIMED FOR SNEEZE

(Ridgway) One of the region’s most dominant landmarks, the Sleeping Indian, is scheduled for his 100-year explosion this month. The Native American rock formation’s first recorded sneeze came in 1697 and was witnessed by Fathers Escalante and Dominguez as they traveled through the San Juans searching for a place to build a real estate office. Later in 1797 the chief blew up again, causing the Uncompahgre River to change course. The last time the Sleeping Indian sneezed it was with such force and determination that it effectively destroyed the town of Ridgway and the railroad all the way to the town of Dallas. In fact, the only building left standing was the Little Chef, a sacred location on most Ute topo maps.

     Residents are urged to stay in their homes from June  through August , or until the chief goes off. Ridgway Hardware will be selling folding chairs through May with which to view the sneeze.

     He had not returned our calls as of 3 am.

CAMP BIRD NETS ANCIENT DIRT SAMPLES

(Ouray) Recent excavations at the Camp Bird Mine have some geologists wondering how long rocks have been in the ground. Early samples of dirt and rocks were discovered last summer as far up as Yankee Boy Basin all the way down to Box Canyon.

     “This changes everything,” said local geologist Tim Rosefriar. “It’s now clear that the earth is a hell of a lot older than we thought and so are the people engaged in stupid articles like this one.”

– Uncle Pahgre

Mosquito Luncheon Planned for Grand Mesa

(Ward Lake) An annual luncheon, sponsored by the Colorado Mosquito Legions, will be held Saturday, July 25 from 10 am to 3 pm on Grand Mesa. Mosquitos from all over the state are expected to be in attendance. Following a brief welcome picnic a host of parasitic field games will be held in the afternoon with a showing of the film Count Dracula in the evening under the stars. According to one organizer the luncheon will most likely stretch into the dinner hour with lots of buzzing and munching going on. Out-of-state mosquitos needing directions or transportation should call the CML by July 1. Interested humans are encouraged to attend and need not bring anything but themselves.

Banks to close yesterday

The more than 41,874 banks within the political confines of the United States have closed their doors forever starting yesterday morning. An exact time was not forthcoming as an air of secrecy permeated the scene, one of panic and despair, in most cities and towns across the continent.

     There will be no epic run on the banks like in other manipulated crashes in the past. A run is impossible since there is no one at the teller post, and no inside the buildings at all. They have gone.

     “We have most of the money so why should we open our doors to the public? They just come in and distract us from counting our money.” said Sycamore Sycophantee, the latest nincompoop in a line of Federal Reserve lackeys, and son of Reynaldo Preacher Sycophantee, the avowed patriarch of bankings’ most notable family tree, the Arepa Birch.

     In the unprecedented action all savings accounts and checking accounts will be frozen and drained. ATM machines will not function and all CDs have been sucked dry. The status of other more substantial investments will be determined by the client-banker relationship forged over time.

     A spokesman for the Federal Reserve told reporters, “We’re as surprised by all of this as you are. Give us a little time to sort things out. We’ll get back to you.”

     The source echoed prior threats that persons engaged in unsympathetic behavior toward the money institutions could face prosecution.

     “It’s still your money, folks,” said one banker. “You just can’t use it.”

     The now deserted office buildings will house the homeless while automatic teller booths will be turned back into fuzzy caterpillars.

– Susie Compost

Heard this from somebody else

A metaphor for something misguided, absurd, ultra ridiculous:

This is the equivalent of pooping in your pants then going home and changing your shirt.

Reporter Gored in Collision with Bulls

(Pamplona, Spain) American news jockey, Melvin Toole, who was slightly injured during the annual San Fermin running of the bulls April 15, was released from a Madrid hospital this morning. Toole, who along with his trusty dingo Marlboro, was trampled by at least six bulls as he reportedly became disoriented and ran the wrong way during the event. Onlookers say he then panicked, attempted to stare down the rampaging herd and was flattened like a Colombian arepa. 

   “A person just can’t run against the grain all the time and expect to survive,” said Toole who admitted that he participated in the festival so as to become more like Ernest Hemingway. “I just thank my lucky stars that Marlboro has recovered.”

     The Scribe/daredevil received a barrage of media attention just last month as he scaled three New York banks, wearing only a sun bonnet, giant suction cups and discount yoga pants . These dangerous feats were part of a general protest against interest rates and just hours later leaped from a soaring crop duster to bring attention to the plight of farmers in the wake of mindless Trump nincompoops. 

     “This is the most serious injury I’ve suffered in more than 20 years of performing these kinds of stunts,” said Toole. “It kind of reminds me of the time I got my tongue caught in a state highway road painter in 1967 while demonstrating against federally imposed speed limits.”

-Rocky Flats

DOG CATCHER STRIKE CRIPPLES NEW YORK

  If it’s not one damn thing, it appears to be another, as city-wide strike by dogcatchers has created an near state of anarchy here. Dogs, running in packs of more than 50, have been looting and burning in some neighborhoods of Queens and Brooklyn since last weekend. At press time, sewer rats, many larger than the rioting canines, have threatened to join the melee, forming a frightening alliance against the city’s feline population. Garbage workers, angered by the mess that all of this rioting has caused are refusing to work overtime and many are talking about relocating to Connecticut or New Jersey until peace can be restored.

Hermits to host mixer

(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 2 and 3 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two day affair.

     Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of  their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.

     “Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”

     Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.

     “There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”

     Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.

     “We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.

     Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.

     We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?” – Melvin Toolski