All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Banks to close yesterday

The more than 41,874 banks within the political confines of the United States have closed their doors forever starting yesterday morning. An exact time was not forthcoming as an air of secrecy permeated the scene, one of panic and despair, in most cities and towns across the continent.

     There will be no epic run on the banks like in other manipulated crashes in the past. A run is impossible since there is no one at the teller post, and no inside the buildings at all. They have gone.

     “We have most of the money so why should we open our doors to the public? They just come in and distract us from counting our money.” said Sycamore Sycophantee, the latest nincompoop in a line of Federal Reserve lackeys, and son of Reynaldo Preacher Sycophantee, the avowed patriarch of bankings’ most notable family tree, the Arepa Birch.

     In the unprecedented action all savings accounts and checking accounts will be frozen and drained. ATM machines will not function and all CDs have been sucked dry. The status of other more substantial investments will be determined by the client-banker relationship forged over time.

     A spokesman for the Federal Reserve told reporters, “We’re as surprised by all of this as you are. Give us a little time to sort things out. We’ll get back to you.”

     The source echoed prior threats that persons engaged in unsympathetic behavior toward the money institutions could face prosecution.

     “It’s still your money, folks,” said one banker. “You just can’t use it.”

     The now deserted office buildings will house the homeless while automatic teller booths will be turned back into fuzzy caterpillars.

– Susie Compost

Heard this from somebody else

A metaphor for something misguided, absurd, ultra ridiculous:

This is the equivalent of pooping in your pants then going home and changing your shirt.

Reporter Gored in Collision with Bulls

(Pamplona, Spain) American news jockey, Melvin Toole, who was slightly injured during the annual San Fermin running of the bulls April 15, was released from a Madrid hospital this morning. Toole, who along with his trusty dingo Marlboro, was trampled by at least six bulls as he reportedly became disoriented and ran the wrong way during the event. Onlookers say he then panicked, attempted to stare down the rampaging herd and was flattened like a Colombian arepa. 

   “A person just can’t run against the grain all the time and expect to survive,” said Toole who admitted that he participated in the festival so as to become more like Ernest Hemingway. “I just thank my lucky stars that Marlboro has recovered.”

     The Scribe/daredevil received a barrage of media attention just last month as he scaled three New York banks, wearing only a sun bonnet, giant suction cups and discount yoga pants . These dangerous feats were part of a general protest against interest rates and just hours later leaped from a soaring crop duster to bring attention to the plight of farmers in the wake of mindless Trump nincompoops. 

     “This is the most serious injury I’ve suffered in more than 20 years of performing these kinds of stunts,” said Toole. “It kind of reminds me of the time I got my tongue caught in a state highway road painter in 1967 while demonstrating against federally imposed speed limits.”

-Rocky Flats

DOG CATCHER STRIKE CRIPPLES NEW YORK

  If it’s not one damn thing, it appears to be another, as city-wide strike by dogcatchers has created an near state of anarchy here. Dogs, running in packs of more than 50, have been looting and burning in some neighborhoods of Queens and Brooklyn since last weekend. At press time, sewer rats, many larger than the rioting canines, have threatened to join the melee, forming a frightening alliance against the city’s feline population. Garbage workers, angered by the mess that all of this rioting has caused are refusing to work overtime and many are talking about relocating to Connecticut or New Jersey until peace can be restored.

Hermits to host mixer

(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 2 and 3 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two day affair.

     Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of  their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.

     “Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”

     Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.

     “There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”

     Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.

     “We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.

     Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.

     We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?” – Melvin Toolski

Rockies Relocate Bull Pen to Western Slope

Mooove seen as foolhardy, reckless by league bosses

(Gunnison) The Colorado Rockies, beside themselves with the performance of the relief pitching thus far this season, have decided on the risky, yet seemingly logical relocation of their bull pen to Gunnison.

     Desperate for a solution to late inning collapses, blown saves and generally poor play the team announced the changes this morning.

     “We plan to bring our entire relief staff to Gunnison to be closer to the cows…and since there are so many distractions in Denver,” said High Hurdle, Director of Player Motivation. “We hope that the bull pen will thrive in a more agricultural environment. There are more cows there per capita and since the baseball program at Western State college was terminated back in the 80s, there we can always get a field for practices.

     Heavy hitters in Gunnison and the surrounding area are invited to participate in the last ditch attempt to save the season.

     “Come out and face our best relief pitchers and you could win a turkey or maybe even a car,” said Hurdle. “Helmets will be provided, just bring your own spikes.”

     The search for competent relief staff will reportedly continue through August at which time the team will officially give up until next year.

     “Hypnotism hasn’t worked, bonuses haven’t worked,” said Hurdle. “Maybe a few months commuting to the mound from Gunnison will do the trick. A little fresh air can do amazing things.”

     Sources within the bovine sector in Gunnison had no comment on the matter at press time.

– Zorro DesPlants

Lip Reading Offered by Motor Vehicle

(Montrose Bad Language Lab)

     A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.

     The course, conducted for all, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.

     “The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on in summer, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and often vulgsar suggested ideas will flow.”

     O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television addicts. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.

     “They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said the heralded director. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”

     Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relieve this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.

     Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative exchanges hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.

– Attila Diggins