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Disgraced Despots Up Up and Away

(Uranus) Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have reportedly volunteered for a one-way flight to Pluto.

   The two waning  world icons have reportedly agreed to man a Soviet-era Vostok spaceship aimed at Pluto, according to people familiar with these kinds of things. 

     The date for the launch is being kept secret due to security concerns.

     “Both men are expected to appeal what they call “coerced voluntary actions” on the part of a plethora of a world nations. The former honchos continue to deny collusion including an alleged romantic fling in New Jersey in 2019.

     Attorneys for both accidental astronauts fell short of confirming that they had urged Putin and Trump to “take the flight” as anger and accusations burgeon on earth.

     “It’s better than dangling at the end of a rope or waltzing into a firing squad,” said one who demanded animosity.

     Meanwhile supporters of the two have contributed food baskets, caviar, vodka and diet cokes (Trump doesn’t drink) as well as “just add water” Big Macs.

     “I’d go with them,”said one rabid devotee “but there is still work to do down here on earth”.

     When asked about potential openings for sociopaths, with the exit of Putin  and Trump, one organizer said they would cross that void if it becomes necessary saying privately that he hoped that day would never come.

     “Our proverbial ying and yang doesn’t need people like these at the puppet strings,” he stressed offering no comment on rumors that massive spacecraft are under construction to send supporters along “after a while”.

– Small Mouth Bess

“When  they’re sending missiles at your families you learn fast.” 

                                                  – Ukrainian solder getting up to speed on the Patriot missile system

Ouray County Notes

Second-Home Burglary Seminar Slated

(Pleasant Valley) A complimentary seminar undressing burglary of vacant summer homes will be held on April 26 at the Ridgway Homeless Shelter at 8 pm. Due to snowballing interest the organizers of the event are bringing in folding chairs and may provide transportation to work-shop locales all over the county. 

     Topics include Choosing the Right House For You, Traveling Light-The Right Gear, Impersonating the Propane Man, Wives Should Always Be Lovers and Dealing With Escape & Denial in the Modern Work Place.

     Participants will then break up into discussion groups for further planning. Anyone wishing to donate their house should call Helen Waite on her cell phone.

Talking Butts Cancel Concert  

In a bit of sad news…the very popular Talking Butts, punk chamber music greats from Pandora, have announced that they will be unable to perform a tentatively scheduled early morning concert as part of Local’s Day at the Durango-Silverton Narrow Gauge Train on October 29

The band cited a conflict with a previously scheduled concert at Boycott the Evil Chains Day arranged by Disappointment Valley Optimists for the same day. 

     “They could do both concerts but they’re far too self-absorbed and selfish to think about anyone else but themselves,” said Finn McCool, the band’s manager

The TBs, as they are affectionately known, came into their own after gaining questionable notoriety after smoothly executing a private Father’s Day concert for Haitian dictators Papa Doc and Baby Doc Duvalier. Besides frightening goats and alarming the Roman Catholic hierarchy when they set fire to the stage, the Talking Butts succeeded in electrifying the entire city of Port-Au-Prince, but only for a few hours when it was back to the noisy CIA-sponsored, Chinese-made gas generators.

     “These bastards are too lazy, far too lazy to get up off their drunken arses to make the early morning appearance in Silverton…the gobsheens!” continued McCool. “Drug addicts and perverts the lot of them the night before every show. Sure, write whatever you want in your silly newspaper. I’ll just deny it later.”

Mad Evangelist Disease Detected Here

(Ouray County) Traces of Mad Evangelist Disease have been detected along the Billy Creek school bus route substantiating allegations that the much maligned Bibles for Bananas Program has been funneling money to off-Broadway survivalist sects. The corruption, which was once believed to be contained, has proven to be more rampant than expected.

     “Hey, we’re all human,” said Windy Turtaffe, acting comptroller of BFB. “Everyone gets their fingers in the cookie jar from time to time.”

     Recent calls for the assassination of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro Moros has brought this mangy melodrama to a head, according to health officials here. Astounded secularists say the words echoed are like those whispered by the Pharisees a long, long time ago.

     “They base their beliefs on the philosophies of another victim who was taken out because he was also in the way of theological and (in the end) pecuniary interests,” said the official. “Then they turn around and call for more blood. I don’t get it.”

     “It’s all semantics,” said Turaffe, “and twisting of the truth by the liberal, prodigal press,” he said. Take him out could have easily meant out to lunch or out to dinner

Machete Bar to Feature Quilt Show, Tea

(Ridgway) The landmark Machete Bar, located in the bad neighborhood here, will present its First Annual Tiara Quilt Show and Tea as part of Anarchist’s Alpine Holiday on June 31. The display, will wind some six miles from the Old School to what was once Ridgway Mercantile and now houses a boutique for pets. All proceeds from quilt sales will go toward paying the bar’s liquor bill. The public is encouraged to attend but asked to leave weapons and bad attitudes at home. 

Evidence Surfaces in case of Vanished River Road Wag 

(Ridgway) The mysterious disappearance of Miller Mesa woman Ruthie Roosterson has been linked to outdated wrinkle cream which friends she regularly applied “like honey to a fresh sopapilla”. Late yesterday police began to put the investigation together when several tubes of the cream were found outside the woman’s shack on the River Road which connects Ouray to Ridgway. They are calling it Exhibit A,  just like on the television courtroom dramas.

     “She looked like an ice cream cone one day and a whitewashed fence the next,” said neighbor Lillian Snodgrass of the Crested Butte Snodgrasses. “We all warned her but the lure of the stuff was too much. I don’t know if it actually gets rid of wrinkles but it appears to have gotten rid of Ruthie.” 

Readers may recall that Roosterson once wrapped porterhouse steaks around her neck then drove around with her Rotweiller in the front seat of the pickup to test his loyalty and love. It didn’t work out and soon the dog ran off anyway. That’s when the wrinkles started appearing, as if from nowhere.

     “That ungrateful fek’,” continued Snodgrass. She cooked for him. She cleaned for him and he trades her off for a younger piece of meat. He never did like my cookin’ either,” she spat.

     Local authorities have pledged to get to the bottom of the disappearance as soon as Roosterson’s net worth can be established.

-Fred Zeppelin

Secret to long life? “Wash your hands”

Former scribe, Melvin B. Toole washes his hands 228 times per day,  The 109-year-old says it has translated into a long, healthy life. 

“Maybe it’s a bit obsessive,” he said, “but I haven’t been sick since 1917.” 

Toole adds that he washes even more more if he’s been working in his garden, changing the oil on his 1926 Henway or playing with his dogs.

“Those mutts never wash much at all unless you count a splash or two in the river as a bath,” he explained. 

“He washes like a madman,” according to his handlers. Despite the application of soap to his hands he remains a person often in need of a shower.”

“Sometimes he smells bad even though his hands are sterilized,” said one.

“He’s invited hundreds of people to his 110th birthday party but he doesn’t know the date. He’ll probably  forget all about the cake too,” she smiled.

-Fred Zeppelin

People who live on dirt roads far happier souls

People who live on dirt roads far happier souls

(Djibouti) Human beings who reside on earthen paths tend to be better adjusted and more capable of dealing with life’s often shoddy handouts than counterparts who dwell on asphalt byways. 

     According to an exhausting study compiled by Vacant Lot Magazine, persons who find themselves on more natural footing are healthier and more energetic. The study did not consider cross references to sand and bare feet in the appraisal.

     The data harvested herein reflects on daily rituals of persons living in the rural western United States and those merely existing on the fringe waiting for something of value to occur before lunch.

     Conducted as part of the entrance requirements for the freshman class at Western State University of Gunnison, the examination asks the question: Do you expect to grow corn after the asphalt is down? It in no way attempts to explain dust particles, chuckholes or intrusive rocks on the surface but rather to determine the state of bliss for a small control group oblivious to the benefits inherent to dirt road living.

     “This is not a geological undertaking,” said one professor here. “It is strictly sociological.”

     Since earlier this year groups of prospective students have interviewed hundreds of people living between Parlin and Paradox recording responses to questions equating dirt roads and happiness. At present the group is bivouacked in front of the Ridgway Post Office, acknowledged gateway to some of the finest dirt roads in the nation. Tomorrow the group will ride dirt bikes to downtown Redvale’s backstreets which are said to straddle the 38th Parallel on its ever-winding way toward Disappointment Canyon. They are then slated to spend the evening at the OK Fellowship Church just west of Bob’s Paving and Live Bait.  

     “A lot of people think this study is ludicrous,” said the faculty advisor, “and then there’s the ones who don’t know the meaning of the word.”

– Sergio Jingles

…the worst of it was that he sincerely believed the gibberish he was talking. Due to an inferiority complex, he had encased himself in an armor of the cheapest nationalism.”

– Rector Francois of National Socialist teacher, Dr Volgelstang in The Oppermanns.

Las personas que viven en caminos de tierra son almas mucho más felices

(Bolombolo, Antioquia) Los seres humanos que residen en caminos de tierra tienden a estar mejor adaptados y son más capaces de lidiar con las dádivas de la vida, a menudo de mala calidad, que sus contrapartes que viven en caminos de asfalto.

      Según un exhaustivo estudio compilado por la revista Vacant Lot, las personas que se encuentran en una situación más natural son más sanas y enérgicas. El estudio no consideró referencias cruzadas a arena y pies descalzos en la tasación.

      Los datos recopilados en este documento reflejan los rituales diarios de las personas que viven en las zonas rurales del oeste de los Estados Unidos y las que simplemente viven al margen esperando que ocurra algo de valor antes del almuerzo.

      Realizado como parte de los requisitos de ingreso para la clase de primer año en la Western State University of Gunnison, el examen hace la pregunta: ¿Espera cultivar maíz después de que se haya caído el asfalto? De ninguna manera intenta explicar las partículas de polvo, los agujeros o las rocas intrusivas en la superficie, sino más bien determinar el estado de felicidad de un pequeño grupo de control ajeno a los beneficios inherentes a la vida en caminos de tierra.

      “Esta no es una empresa geológica”, dijo un profesor aquí. “Es estrictamente sociológico”.

      Desde principios de este año, grupos de futuros estudiantes han entrevistado a cientos de personas que viven entre Parlin y Paradox y han registrado respuestas a preguntas que equiparan los caminos de tierra con la felicidad. En la actualidad, el grupo vive frente a la oficina de correos de Ridgway, reconocida puerta de entrada a algunos de los mejores caminos de tierra de la nación. Mañana, el grupo viajará en motos de cross a las callejuelas del centro de Redvale, que se dice que se extienden a ambos lados del Paralelo 38 en su camino sinuoso hacia Disappointment Canyon. Luego están programados para pasar la noche en la iglesia OK Fellowship, justo al oeste de Bob’s Paving and Live Bait.

      “Mucha gente piensa que este estudio es ridículo”, dijo el asesor de la facultad, “y luego están los que no conocen el significado de la palabra”.

-Sergio Jingles

Belén posaderos todavía idiotas

Viajar en el Medio Oriente

Llegamos a Quo Vadis International al mediodía de una calurosa tarde en el desierto, esperando otra hora el desvencijado autobús al pequeño pueblo de Belén. A nuestro alrededor había soldados israelíes preparados para quién sabe qué. Era a mitad de semana durante la temporada baja y no habíamos hecho reservas. Además a esta hora temprana deberíamos tener la selección de habitaciones de hotel.

      A pesar del legado de maleducados posaderos en Belén en el horizonte, abordamos el autobús sintiéndonos seguros de que encontraríamos alojamiento. En unos 40 minutos, el autobús se detuvo frente a una bonita posada que parecía de adobe en las afueras del pequeño pueblo. Varios viajeros desembarcaron para preguntar sobre precios y disponibilidad. El conductor del autobús estaba más que feliz de esperar. Ella sonrió, porque volverían enseguida. Efectivamente ella tenía razón. El posadero se disculpó diciendo que no tenía habitaciones debido a una especie de censo que se estaba realizando en todo el país. Seguimos viajando.

      El siguiente lugar decente estaba justo en el centro de la ciudad. Práctico y acogedor, tenía un restaurante sencillo y un gran porche a la sombra. Tendría que hacer. Ahora que varios de nosotros partimos, el conductor se rió y se detuvo a un lado de la carretera. Esta vez el posadero fue francamente grosero. Ridiculizándonos por no haber hecho reservas con anticipación, murmuró algo con desprecio y cerró las persianas. Ahora estábamos de regreso en el autobús con el conductor todavía riéndose de nosotros por lo que ahora claramente parecía ser una mala planificación.

      Un compañero de viaje, un francés de Marsella, se lamentó del comportamiento enérgico de los posaderos aquí. Estaba seguro de que habían heredado sus modales de la época de los romanos, cuando comenzaron esta farsa de acomodación. Nos dijo que en su último viaje a Belén había preguntado en varias posadas antes de instalarse para pasar la noche en un establo vacío en el lado oeste de la ciudad. A pesar del continuo desfile de visitantes y la presencia de ganado, durmió bien.

      Bueno, eso fue suficiente.

      “Vamos a prescindir de todas estas tonterías y procedamos a ese mismo lugar”, acordamos.

      Desafortunadamente, cuando llegamos, se hizo evidente que alguien más, una familia joven con un niño recién nacido, se nos había adelantado. Luego especificamos nuestra búsqueda a pesar de la irritación de todo.

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