All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

NO ROOM LEFT TO FIGHT TRADITIONAL CIVIL WAR

(Richmond VA) Historians have been predicting another civil war in this country since half past Appomattox Court House. Yankee academians save their projections for smoky rooms and snifter back parlors. Wide-eyed rebel saga sharers in Dixie lead with the idea of a third American Revolution.

     This time they come out on top.

     While impulsive reenactments boom off tediously thin walls on both sides of the former Mason-Dixon Line, students of the conflict in classrooms and coffee shops, are faced with a stark impediment to resuming the war:

     Space.

     Before we could pick up our muskets and resume the canon fire we would have to figure out how to assemble a force the size of the Army of Northern Virginia or The Army of the Potomac anywhere east of the Mississippi. Sure, the battlefields have been preserved as National Parks but the surrounding area has become the resting place for exploding populations, fast food chains, textile mills and suburbs.

     Bring back the Monitor and the Merrimack.

     “Lee could not have placed his entire army in the field at Chancellorsville,” said Dr. Orem Welldigger, a fellow at Virginia Military Institute. He had 60,000 up against Hooker, the Union general with a noted tolerance for camp followers. Hooker himself had 120,000 troops,” he said. “There is no physical possibility of all of these soldiers alone fitting into what’s left of the countryside.”

     Professor Walter Burnside, of the State University of New York at Plattsburg agreed, pointing to a newly erected mall near the battle of Chickamauga. At that site in September of 1863 the Confederates won a victory and trapped the Union troops in Chattanooga.

     Burnside, claiming direct descent from General Ambrose Burnside, who orchestrated the hopeless attack and suffered a subsequent defeat at Fredricksburg, says the South would not have defended today’s town quite so vehemently.

     “The Fredricksburg of today still sits on the Rappahannock which is but a dribble to its past glory. Everywhere interstate highways zig zag across the landscape,” he said. “Too many people and no vacant land to stage a mad confrontation of epic proportion. At Chickamauga there’s a few tourist shops hosting visitors who think they’re in some state’s rights’ Disneyland. In Gettysburg they don’t make shoes or study Latin anymore. In Vicksburg they rarely celebrate the Fourth of July “

     Arthur Grits, a self-taught enthusiast of the War Between the States suggests that the next conflict could be fought in Nevada, Utah or Northern Arizona…maybe even Canada.

     “I just drove through the Great Basin and believe you me there’s nobody out there,” he smiled. “Maybe it’s because there aren’t many bathrooms but I think the reason is actually the lack of water. Imagine if you will Union troops taking the high positions adjacent to nuclear waste dumps while the Confederates charge through the sagebrush and the pinon trees. Now that place has the room to house all the armies since the French and Indian War. Canada has space as well,” he added, but barefoot Rebel troops would be hard pressed to put up much of a fight during the winter months.”

     Antelope burgers for 300,000?

     Unfortunately for Civil War purists the Western solution just won’t do. Would the new battle of the Wilderness be fought on the shores of Lake Powell. Would Sherman burn Las Vegas? How could Confederate troops dig trenches in the caliche of the Great Salt Lake Desert?

     Travelers chronicling the engagements of the Civil War often discover poorly marked Union and Confederate graveyards dominated by burger outlets, and cannonballs lodged in ancient trees cut down to make room for football stadiums, factory outlets or convention centers.

     “It’s that damn Yankee arrogance that has resulted in the rape of Southern culture,” says Welldigger, who refers to the recent sprawl as “the second Yankee colonization of the South”.

     “Not only did the Northerners move right in to our better neighborhoods, but they brought with them all of the trappings of federalism including welfare, television, competitive wages, liberalism and pollution. The Spanish moss, the cotton fields and the magnolia trees are hanging on by their teeth.”

     Burnside disagrees saying that many of the corporate entities slammed by Welldigger had origins in the South.

     Look at the biggest cultural disaster, Wal-Mart,” he chided. “That blight began in Arkansas. Look at Colonel Sanders. Does he appear to have abolitionist tendencies? Then there’s the Black-Eyed Pea and Popeye’s.”

     Maybe simple physics will deny us the chance to settle unfinished business here in North America. Maybe that’s why we can’t keep our nose out of the Mideast. Is it all that barren land?

     “If Pierre G.T. Beauregard fired on Fort Sumter today he’d risk hitting three franchise pizza parlors, an IRS office, two malls, a ring of interstate highways, the corporate headquarters of Mr. Doughnut and some poorly constructed town houses along Charleston Harbor. His politically incorrect behavior might net him a summons for discharging a weapon within city limits and would certainly hurl him into a legion of lawsuits.”

     Grits agrees adding that for now sworn enemies will just have to settle for fighting scrimmages in their living rooms and unfurl their blood-letting charges within the confines of video games.

     “Just remember,” said Grits, “that just because our cadaverous campaigns are constipated by space restrictions there’s no stumbling block when it comes to blaming each other for the current state of affairs in this nation.

– Kashmir Horseshoe    

Snoring Machine Perfected

(Ouray) A solar-powered, alternate current snoring device is ready for the assembly line according to inventor Beth Otis, of Red Mountain Town. The contraption, created from rusty, discarded mining tin, brass pipe, circular fans and dangling tin foil, sports tiny speakers and a heat detection gadget that sets it off when intruders, human or otherwise, approach.

“It sounds exactly like the snoring we discover during Colorado Rockies’ games and monotone political speeches,” said Otis, “with woofers and tweeters pushing compressed oxygen into the pipe caverns and the fans taking it from there.”

The inventor plans to market the product to people who want to keep bears, and other predators away whether out in the woods or at home. The machine requires simple installation. It can be mounted on one’s RV or easily staked into the ground adjacent to a tent.

“Right now our main focus is the audio,” said Otis. “It has to sound authentic or the bears or they won’t be detoured in their marauding. It has to sound like another animal is on the premises.”

Otis told The Horseshoe that the machine will cost approximately $400 which he said is cheap compared to dancing a two-step with a bear.

“One resident up here has his entire deck destroyed by a large sow in search of food. (Her little cub was reportedly munching from a box of Sugar Crisps when authorities arrived). Another man woke up to find his yard furniture and monogrammed pissing cherub fountain completely totaled after an angry bear was denied entry to the kitchen and threw a tantrum,” he explained.

“Quiet people who are confronted with bear while sleeping in a tent could face even more serious consequences,” he said. “We just want to make the night a safer place.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Donald Trump is a human algorithm, always ratcheting up antagonism. He’s a personification and exploiter of all the things creating anxiety in people’s lives.”

– Maureen Dowd, New York Times

SACRED COWS EXEMPT FROM GRAZING RESTRICTIONS

(Washington DC) Interior Secretary Runn Rabbit today admitted that a long list of sacred cows will be spared the confines of an innovative new public grazing bill that resides somewhere under his desk here.

   Although Rabbit did not elaborate on the list, he promised that all the one-dimensional fringe groups that make up the Wheatfield Coalition would soon be appeased, even placated, by his new plan.

     “If your average sacred cow wants to graze in the National Forests, there is little we can do to stop it from pursuing that end. Of course,” he said, “sacred cows come in all different shapes and colors depending on the region of the country one may reside in.”

     Critics such as Sen. Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), insist that Rabbit has ignored the fact that sacred cows do not graze at public expense in many locales east of the Mississippi since there is a short supply of grass and far too many people there.

     “The simple fact is this,” mooed Noise, “cows, sacred or otherwise, don’t feel comfortable grazing in the more urban areas of the East due to the mass congregation of people, concrete and houses. In addition, they don’t enjoy standing outside at all hours in the Midwest due to the lousy weather,” he smiled. “Out here on the West Coast they don’t feel safe pasturing due to gangs and random violence. That leaves the Rocky Mountain states,” he continued, “as the only feasible spot in which even the most sacred cow can achieve any level of peace in the 21st Century”.

     Responding to his critics, Rabbit has promised new legislation aimed at curtailing the population boom that now threatens the lifestyle of people living in the Rockies. He assured those in attendance in a bread line outside his office that the Brady Bill should end violence once and for all in America and that the ACA will easily end disease leaving a lot more time to concentrate on the plight of livestock.

     “Everyone has faced a little barbed wire and a few essential cattle guards in his life, even if he lives in New York or Los Angeles,” declared Rabbit. “All the government has to do is back up the existing barriers with fortified walls and deep moats inhabited by piranhas and Republican-eating alligators,” he explained. “We’re currently dismantling our defenses along the Mexican border, due to the adoption of the North American Free Trade Agreement. We think these safeguards can be implemented to save the Rockies from overgrazing by man and/or beast.”

     Rabbitt would not comment when asked how many cows have actually read the fine print in that particular document.

– Rory Lyons

Earth is sole planet says Vance

“And global warming is no threat”

(Middletown, Ohio) Vice Presidential hopeful J D Vance told a group of intergalactic oil drillers here that earth was indeed the only planet in the solar system and that their efforts at oil extraction in outer space were good for America.

     Saying that “God told me” Vance went on to discount earlier findings that the solar system was crammed with heavenly bodies.

     “Show me one place in the Bible where they talk about Mars or Martians invading the earth,” said Vance, to a chorus of laughter. He quickly turned serious then added that with the Martian threat gone the administration could now focus wholeheartedly on the War on Liberals. Silence.

     The Kentucky denied allegations that his comments reflected a conflict of interest due to former associations with the oil industry. Frowns.

     “Back when I was at the helm in Ohio we were subjected to the same kind of harassment by narrow-minded people who think the earth was created to be preserved. What nonsense. I don’t remember reading about any environmentalists crossing the Red Sea or fighting with the Philistines.”

     Again Vance got a throng of guffaws, mixed with tearful laughter.

     When asked about Martian landings by unmanned spaceships and an assortment of high tech photos that have been collected over the past five years Vance said that he could not answer in that the activity in question was a matter of national security.

     “I’ll say this: He smiled. “If I was a passenger on a United Airlines Flight to Disney World I’d be far and away more comfortable with Donald Trump in the cockpit than I would his Democratic challenger.”

Vance ignored countless questions by reporters as to his immigrant status, that of one time Briar Hopper turned Buckeye.

– Sergio Jingle

Howdy Amendment Travels to Senate

(Barnacle-on-Potomac) Western hospitality is alive an well after three weeks in the House of Representatives. That’s where the populist Howdy Law has been hanging its’ Stetson since mid-August.

     Originally bulldogged into law by the Montrose (Colorado) City Council and quickly approved by the County Commisars, the Howdy Law has received quite a little press since it’s virgin implementation at this Western Colorado town in 2004. Lots of other municipalities and counties have adopted the legislation. Some have written it into city and county ordinances while others have simply encouraged the local population to live by the simple do unto others creed that is inherent to a healthy society.

     The Howdy Law, as originally written, simply calls for outward signs of friendliness by saying Howdy to people one encounters on the street. It endorses gregariousness as a way of life and the end result is a happier, thriving population. For long timers it’s the only acceptable way to be, and is therefore comfortable in all social exchanges. For the urban refugee it is restorative and hygienic. It allows the soul to bloom in its new environs.

     Now the federals are on the verge of passing legislation that would adopt the Howdy Law as the edict of note and quite possibly the prescription for what ails us as a nation. In most cultures a greeting is basic. Here in the suburb-choked, viagara-dollar days USA we are more likely to run someone over with our shiny new car than to belt out an amicable hello.

     At first the local Howdy Law was based on the honor system but after a few months a person could expect a toothless summons for any sign of animosity in the face of such a greeting. To be sure there were those who said their right to be anti-social was being eroded and the civil libertarians jumped into the fray. A lawsuit was filed and people got hot and sweaty. Fortunately the paperwork was mysteriously misplaced and the court records allegedly remain stashed under a pile of dog-at-large citations and drunk driving plea bargains in some judge’s basement.

     In 2003 then Governor Bill Owens signed a breakthrough bill that adopted the Howdy Law all across the state. It became the bible for the tourist industry with dude ranches teaching their little dudes and dudettes to employ it on trail rides and ski areas demanding that their close-cropped employees say Howdy to visitors as many as 200 times per day. Owens felt the bill would help further develop the state along the lines of the Republican agenda.

     What these greenhorn mercantilists often don’t remember is that the whole thing started here on the banks of the Uncompahgre River where the concept of Howdy is as natural as blue skies and sure as sagebrush. Despite rampant growth and questionable land use over the past years Montrose remains a friendly place. Even the cops say Howdy, then they put on the cuffs.

     Do some of us think friendly is not cosmopolitan or sophisticated enough? The other evening in what was once a small town I stood in the checkout line at the grocery. There were lots of people there that I had never seen. No one spoke. Were they all from California? Suddenly in my advanced state of Holy Joe judgment I realized two things, 1.) I was the only guy in a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops 2.) In my attempt to get on with the purchase of my whipped cream and chunky salsa I didn’t say anything to anyone either.

     Estrangement often precipitates violence as the disaffected act out their fatal frustrations. We don’t have to bring up road rage or kids with guns to illustrate that point (the man on TV does that for us every hour on the hour). Maybe a crisp Hello in there, as song writer John Prine put it, could defuse the situation. The feds seem to think so, and isn’t that entity infallible in matters of benevolent dictation, o’ sumpin.

     Enough preaching. If all goes according to plan the Senate will vote on this matter of mandatory greeting tomorrow and the Howdy Law will be in the books (allow six to eight weeks for delivery) before the holidays.

– Fred Zeppelin

STATE TO JERKY FALL COLORS

(Denver) In an attempt to stretch the dramatic fall colors far into November state officials have implemented a plan to jerky aspen, oak and cottonwood trees still in their splendid state. Already teams of botanists have been busy in an attempt to isolate and expedite the most effective formula for the approved extension.

     “First we’ll focus on the aspens since they are far and above the most popular with autumn tourists,” said Fiona Woodcock who holds a third degree in Popular Venison Culture from Cal Amari. “The oak and cottonwood are far less fragile and we think we can jerky them later in the month and still come up with a hardy supply that may last through Thanksgiving.”

     The process of jerking the fall colors involves a lengthy drying process that has been proven to extend the life of other entities such as wild game and the terms of Congressmen. Aspen leaves in particular conform to the rigid properties necessary for the purist, hardly prudent jerk thinking of the Third Enlightened Period.

     “We have experimented with canning and applied freezing since the Sixties,” says Woodcock “What’s important is to harvest the chosen leaves and introduce them to our methods before the natural process takes hold. Rest assured that we have gone to great lengths to protect the birds and fury little animals who call the trees their homes. They have until tomorrow to evacuate.”

     Even though leaves and most bark samples are void of nutrition many desperate people tend to eat them come February or March when other supplies have been exhausted. Unlike leaves from tree farms, where an assortment of fertilizer and additives are employed, these wild trees offer supplement-free leaves, roots and bark.

     “Many mammals enjoy a diet comprised of mountain vegetation throughout the winter. We plan to test the jerky on herd animals, state prisoners and even fish before the snow falls,” said Woodcock. “We’ve already turned the bear on to the spicier blends and they liked it…of course they’ll eat anything that one leaves lying around.”

     Residents and visitors are asked to stay clear of jerky operations until the end of the month when the Department of the Interior will join state agencies in presenting an open house to further explain their priorities. For a map of the more concentrated jerky operations contact the gov’ment agency of your choice.

– Small Mouth Bess