All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Kissinger escapes from Hell
Henry Kissinger made a daring escape from hell last night in a preposterous lunge through the main gate while security demons were busy tormenting other lost souls.
Kissinger reportedly jumped three stories to the river Acheron where a small craft waited for him. Dark angels followed him to the Cocytus and across the Styx before giving up the chase.
The former Secretary of State is allegedly the first condemned soul to ever to accomplish the feat. Unreliable sources in Hades say he had a desperate plan and accomplices.
“We got a last look at him emerging from the Styx with with former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet Ugarte under one arm and Jorge Rafael Videla, his Argentine genocidal buddy under the other.
“This is not some drama, some dress rehearsal, some illusionary truth. He is gone,” said the fallen angel.
– Bernardo O’Higgins
APOLOGY
We mistakenly printed a story entitled “Perhaps your mistress needs cleaning” when I should have read “Perhaps your mattress needs cleaning”. We are sorry for this insensitive, mysogynistic and mindless mistake. We sincerely hope that no long lasting damage has occurred within the already vulnerable social strata of the modern west.
Posers Surpass Brummagems, Frauds
People Watchers International says posers in the developed world have surpassed records set long before selfies, GPS, cell phones or AI arrived to help us have a better life as robots and orcs.
The borderline group has reluctantly studied a myriad of vivid, albeit glassed over, formulas, fears, explanations and stubborn mysteries for over 60 years leaving many contributors stumped with new riddles unsolved or still in paring mode.
When asked what conundrum stood out the most in his memory one snooping associate laughed. “We still haven’t figured out why there are more horses’ asses than horses, but we’re working on it.”
-compiled with the assistance of the San Juan Horseshoe —“The newspaper that can spell Uncompahgre backwards”
Vistors and guests:
While in Colorado this fall don’t miss the local and highly cosmetic Poser’s Ball held everyday in ski areas across the state.
No dogs, no alcohol, no loitering
Plan to create more land gets commissioner approval
(Almont) A sweeping new blueprint which would effectively create more land in Gunnison County got by a major stumbling block Thursday as the Gunnison Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to give the plan a go.
The concept, brainchild of Tiera Tiera Tiera, a Gothic-based geophysical consulting firm, calls for the expansion of current acreage some 10% each year over the next few years resulting in an additional 145,000 acres at the end of the program, which is expected to be concluded before 2030.
Cold to the idea for years, the commissioners warmed up when told that the additional expansion would be comprised of 40% wetlands and another 35% dark timber contemporary, comparable to the Ohio Pass region and lands above Crested Butte. The remaining 25% of the new land would be alpine and sub-alpine tundra.
Environmentalists reportedly have reserved final comments until a public hearing, slated for early March. Although cynical at first, many seem to have adopted the idea from a custodial standpoint allowing potential conservation measures to overcome preliminary fantasies and physical laws.
“We can envision acres of greenbelt, surrounded by Nature Conservatory parcels dotting the landscape,” said one HCCA source. “We know what these people are up to and it has to do with feeding the building boom. Sure, we can tolerate a few more trophy homes just so long as at least half of the land is protected from development for all time.
Someday soon working families will be able to afford to build a house on a piece of this newly generated soil according to TTT, alluding to endless longitudes and latitudes. This synthetic sagebrush and sediment will soon host top soil and healthy trees allowing more of the comforts wage earners deserve and economic security —an embrace of a more functional family life amid the chaos of 2026.
If the land expansion goes as proposed, Gunnison County officials will be hard pressed to find enough wildlife to fill the newly created vacuum. Expanding the current deer and elk herds won’t be much of a chore but attracting more of the right kind of exotic predators such as wolves, cougars, moose, bruins, trout and twice the eagle population could take decades. All parties agree that preserving the food chain, regarding people remains a top priority.
“People take the elements of living here for granted,” said one commissioner. “Do they think all of these animals just showed up last night? And what of the trees and plants? It took generations for these intricate elements to meld as one ecosystem. If we are going to pursue this exiting experiment with space we want to do things right. Rushing into a poorly conceived notion at this point could cause the mountains to flatten out and the rivers to overflow. It will spell trouble down the road.”
Already the largest county in Colorado, the newly emerging landscape could, in a few years, represent a mass larger than several New England states and the District of Columbia combined.
“We’re not map snobs,” said a spokesman for Tiera Tiera Tiera, “or megalomaniacs intent on expanding our reality for the sake of power or profit. We just want to offer rural counties the option of positive growth beneficial to everyone, you know, more elbow room. When the first pioneers arrived they didn’t have to deal with land use codes, covenants or easements. Why? Because there was more than enough room for everyone, except of course uncooperative residents like the Utes and the Grizzly Bear.”
Whether the existing population centers will expand has not been discussed at press time nor was the necessary construction of new roads connecting old land with new. Percentages of vertical to horizontal parcels likewise has not been undressed.
“We’d like to see more people able to buy land, more animals grazing, more water, said one commissioner, “and, yes, even more sagebrush. Let’s not forget the sagebrush.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“You will never find peace with these fascists
You’ll never find friends such as we
So remember that valley of Jarama
And the people that’ll set that valley free.
From this valley they say we are going
Do not hasten to bid us adieu
Even though we lost the battle at Jarama
We’ll set this valley before we’re through.
All this world is like this valley called Jarama
So green and so bright and so fair
No fascists can dwell in our valley
Nor breathe in our new freedoms air.”
BARBECUED CANNABIS STRENGTHENS EXPORT MARKET
(COLONA) Barbecued Cannabis is becoming the go-to, authentic Western Colorado bud for taste and texture. The bumper crop, decreased by recent wild fires should be ready for consumption by November 1. It will be sold by the refined ounce or the crude branch formula. Pine, aspen and cedar scent are only the beginning. The smoke is lightly smoked, not burnt – It was kind of jerked during the fires. This report does not celebrate or in no way support hate groups like “Barbecued Cannibals”, a radical carnivore movement anchored on Columbine Pass nor the far-flung political action groups in the Twin Cities of Naturita and Nucla, the West End of Montrose County. Barbecued Pot tastes good, say growers and is ultimately enjoyed with sautéed mushrooms or an ice-cold beer. Smoke Jumper approved since the Horsefly Blaze. A host of farmers told The Horseshoe that they were damned exited by this development and , faced with a plethora of smoked weed are game for the barter system. One woman ran an ad for the stuff in the popular Pea Green Peeper offering 3 kilos in trade for 1957 Chevy. Another read: Free barbecued marijuana—You pick.
-Susie Compost
Frying eggs on the pavement is not illegal, says Mañana HOA Tyrant.
HOA icon, Mike Hunt concedes that frying eggs or any other food item on the local pavement does not constitute an infraction with state or town ordinances. The strict, self-enthroned lawn juggernaut further acquiesced that normally even calm fellows and ladies had been exhibiting anxiety agitation syndrome (a term he invented for this kind of thing) and pedestrian behavior, especially on the asphalt.
“It may not be illegal but it’s distasteful, unhygienic and downright messy,” he told a group of Kazakhstani tourists, who thought he was giving away something and listened to his rambling for almost 20 minutes before disappointedly kick-starting their eclectic skateboards and vanishing into the afternoon. “It’s dirty,” he further pleaded.
“They thought he as president of something,” said one uncooperative home owner who has repeatedly threatened to drown or mutilate Hunt if he sees him out alone. The neighbor, who agreed to be quoted in return for anonymity added that “frying eggs on sidewalks is one thing while successfully flipping them sunny-side up on tricky, hot asphalt is something quite different altogether”.
He accused Hunt of toxicity at the highest levels and shared his plan to terminate Hunt by poisoning him with hemlock gummies or hurling him 200-feet off a steep cliff into mounds of bladelike, jagged skree.
Egg frying of this persuasion, followed by days of blistering heat with little rain can discolor most concrete say poultry engineers who warn that duck and goose eggs are no safer to fry in the above-discussed manner.
“This is not a homeless issue,” quacked Hunt. “This is a classic case of putting the chicken before the yolk. They’ll all be back banging on my henhouse when the snow plows can’t get through. Then we’ll see who rules the roost!”
-Pepper Salte
“My libido came roaring back the moment you entered the room.”
–Melvin Toole, to unidentified lover, August 10, 2026
