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HOW TO CLEAN YOUR FLOORS WITH A DOG AND A CAN OF TENNIS BALLS

Keeping the dust down

If you’re like me you get oh so sick of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming your floors only to realize you are simply moving the dirt around. Even if you manage to get it all there is tomorrow’s batch of new dirt and dust poised below your doors and drifting through your windows. At best all that we have achieved is a temporary reprieve from the grit.

Then I noticed my ace in the hole, my canine resource, my overachieving retriever of bouncing objects and saliva who was only too happy to help me complete my cleaning projects with next to no effort on my part. No broom, no dust pan, no bending, no discarding of that fine dust that inhabits these Rocky Mountains.

I had reasonable expectations, logical twinges, hopeful encouragement and a treat or two to sweeten the deal. It was so easy that it didn’t qualify as a bona fide solution but it worked. It was genuine enough, if not an accepted proper method of cleaning. I simply threw a tennis ball across the living room and watched my four-legged associate go to work.

If one is prone to sea sickness or victimized by a weak stomach the results of the first session may be tough to swallow. The tennis ball soon becomes a mass of dirt and debris from your floor*. The grime is held in place, if only for a moment by involuntary dog drool and other spital originating somewhere in the depth of secretion and glandular order.

*It works on wood, linoleum, tile, marble, concrete and yes even non-shag carpet

Since dogs, even corporate robot ones, don’t generally reach out it is the responsibility of the human to make the first move. In most episodes the dog’s reaction will come simultaneously to the first airborne tennis ball.

One helpful tip is to moisten ball before the first round. This allows the mutt oral comfort and keeps the mouth fuzz at a minimum. Then spend a little time tumbling the ball in your hands for even distribution of your scent so your pooch partner knows who is in charge. Trouble shooting, although it looks dandy on the table, is irrelevant since one will clearly see the relativity of success from the kickoff. Projections are worthless. Either the dog has the talent or he does not.

Always keep dishes of water handy, clear of furniture and breakables, limit distractions such as TV and strangers on the playing field. Food should not be an option unless it is in the form of tiny treats which will only set parameters and can be terminated as soon as the canine realizes the fun that can be had simply catching the ball. Seek a balance where everyone is happy and nothing is demolished.

If you’re planning to use an ankle biter to clean the dust off your floors make sure its mouth is large enough to manipulate a regulation tennis ball. A small mouth will never work due to low saliva production per square inch and the inability to snatch the ball out of the air and spit it back to the thrower.

Cooperation is everything. Could Rover or Fluffy make competent homemakers? Unlikely

Can they cook? Not very well. Other talents may emerge structured entirely by attention span

If you are set on employing multiple dogs for big work areas please read my essay on Multiple Canine Dusting, and be sure to pair up dogs that like each other.

And cats? Forget it. Not for work -for ambience, suave and cosmic flow. Just ask one.

With proper application you too can have a cleaner floor and a more meaningful relationship with man’s best friend.

GPS No Help

GPS No Help

The GPS Blues out on the prarie appears to have interrupted Manifild Destiny for these folks back in 1939. “Looking for the Atlantic but we’d take the Pacific,” laughed these stranded and dehydrated refugees who followed a goat path out of St Louis all the way across Kansas. “Follow the sun,” they said. Follow the sun. The North Star don’t help in the day and we got no headlights on this car for the night,” a young companion lamented. When further questioned by rescuers, the trio insisted that their primitive GPS device clearly showed an open road to their destination. “The route was clear on our technology,” said one man. “It just didn’t mention the lack of water and gas stations. We should have known better.”      (Dust Bowl Prints)

WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT

Note: This is not meant to be the complete roster of factual information available on the subject of knowledge. Contents are under pressure and perceptions often easily explode. Be assured the following is fragrance free and non-toxic but may cause congenital jitters if minor dwelling occurs in vulnerable joints and brain passages.

A good cup of coffee is always better than a good beating, especially in the early morning.

Global warming is a myth concocted by secular humanists in order to break down moral values, but it does seem quite hot for this time of the year.

Sword swallowing isn’t something that most people get the hang of right away. It takes lots of practice. 

Successful navigation of the mighty Zambezi is no walk in the park.

People were a whole lot happier before the invention of the ego.

If any group of people cries out to be tested for drugs it’s the US

Congress

Everyone knows The Boogie Man lives on Tchoupitoulas Street in the Irish Channel in New Orleans.

Organized baseball began in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1846 (The New York Nine beat Hoboken’s Knickerbocker Giants 23 to 1). The Cincinatti Reds were the first professional team, touring the country in 1869.

There are more sheep in New Zealand than there are French poodles on Paris Island.

Elizabeth Clare Prophet may have been slightly off on her calculations when she predicted that a nuclear holocaust was coming in March of 1990. Her apocalyptic sect has been on the skids for the past 32 years, often waking up in a world comprised of subterranean bridge challenges.

Jerry Springer was once mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio but lost credibility when, in 1979, he wrote a questionable check to a hooker across the river in Newport, Kentucky.

Pagan religions are not prone to send missionaries to other parts of the globe, preferring to concentrate on metaphysics in the local arena. Human sacrifice was not always a sacrifice but rather an effective way to silence critics, especially those who happen to be virgins.

Ham-handed people too must break some eggs if they want to cook an omelet. However they should not be left alone in the kitchen with the cutlery for more than a few minutes.

Among nomadic societies it is not always looked on as fortitudinous to bring one’s horse to a complete stop prior to dismounting.

The cheeks of Louis Armstrong were quite a bit larger than those of Louisa May Alcott and Chester A. Arthur combined.

Mint juleps, although often associated with the Kentucky Derby and horse racing, go quite well raw oysters. They aren’t half bad with Rocky Mountain oysters either.

Bombay Bloomers were army shorts once worn by the British East India Company when it was too hot to wear full breeches. This shocking fashion statement only amplifies the standard critique that only mad dogs and Englishmen go out into the noonday sun.

If one’s earned run average is distinctly higher than his IQ he should probably be playing right field.

In Havana there are more cantinas dedicated to Ernest Hemingway than to both Fidel and Raoul Castro.

There are more hair salons in the city of Montrose than there were Elvis movies made between 1955 and 1965.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

James J Ritty, owner of a tavern in Dayton, Ohio invented the cash register in 1879 to keep his patrons from pilfering house profits.

Up to the age of six or seven months a child can breathe and swallow at the same time. An adult cannot do this.

It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.

Airline food was inspired by hospital food which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.

All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.

The drinking community has been decimated by the number of DUIs issued since 1990.

The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.

Punctuality is in the eye of the beholder.

I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.

The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.

When the owner of a new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. 

Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, they may have Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Christian.

Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. Will there be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?

Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.

It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.

The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16. 

There is virtually no mention of motorized travel in the Book of Genesis.

Stuffing a turkey and stuffing a ballot box are relatively simple once one gets the hang of it.

There is a Burger King (cultural export) adjacent to several 16th Century buildings in central Guadalajara.

Cowboy Sundays last just a little bit longer than other ones.

Very few local restaurants feature Canadian-American cuisine.

Uninformed voters who vote invalidate elections. Why then do all of our peter pan patriots keep urging them to vote?

The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to trap the sediments in the wine.

If one’s monthly liquor bill is higher than the GNP of a small Latin American country maybe he/she should find a new hobby.

Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father’s, President Garfield’s and President McKinley’s. After the last shooting he refused ever to attend a state function again.

One ostrich egg can make up to twelve omelets.

In ancient Greece it was illegal to project the winner of an election until all the votes were counted. An actual democracy existed there for about ten years. In the United States, where projection is the rule, we have never had a true democracy.

Pirates have a lot more fun than accountants.

If one watches carefully he can detect a slight smile on the pouch of a pelican after his or her dinner.

– Gabby Haze

Don’t read this alone

Massive latte vein detected under Gunnison

Beans ground by earth’s angry mantel,steamed milk already volcanic by nature brought there by Antioquian high jumpers competing in the Forest and River Summer Extremes in 1979? They chewed before matches. They left casings. The heavy weight of high country snow drove these hearty stone fruit seeds into the soil and lifted them up in the spring. They survived better than could be explained although the vast majority of the crop remains underground, protected by continental shift and the local agri-council.

Sadly, the symbiotic Sugar Cane Ranch and Falls has not fared as well as its kissing cousin. That operation went aground last month. Rumors suggest that the owners snorted the profits and failed to pay schlokholders.

Quiz: Is it proper to say El Sushi or La Sushi? Head roller at Sushi House in Laureles, Medellin, Colombia informs us without question that  it is El Sushi.

LAST NOTICE TO DEADBEATS

Reminder of deadline for Gov offers money back guarantee – all applications in by July 31, 2022. Fees such as taxes, registrations, sin, utilities, tuition, uniforms, loans and even meals on the road can be recovered with simple proof that the payee was never justly compensated etc. FOR MORE ON THIS EXPANDING SOCIAL NET CONTACT YOUR CONGRESSMAN.

 

Short novel makes cut

Local writer, Elfe Short’s novel “The Slow and the Dead” has been named a

finalist on their Bozo’s Books Short List for Precise Fction.” Here is an excerpt:

A tall man leaves a bar in the middle of the afternoon and while crossing a nearby track is hit by a train.

Actually this is not an excerpt but the entire work. Good luck in the finals Elfe!

 

Local Hockey Game Rained Out

Tuesday’s ice hockey match between the Green River Birchbellies and the Barbasol Knights has been called on account of rain. This is the first time since 1961 that a hockey game was called due to moisture. While classified as inclement weather, rain is seen as virgin ice and worshiped by tribes in the North Country. A doubleheader has been scheduled for Christmas Eve, 2025..

Oh, and…Chef wanted. Must be capable of working with others. Familiarity with Canadian-American cuisine helpful. Marv’s Hole and Hops Garden, Winnipeg Pioneer Village.

 

FOOD

Arepas likely not served at Last Supper 

(Jardin, Colombia) Despite the insistence of Archbishop Ramiro Innocence “Pepe” Calderon of Bogota,(Colombia) a Final Vatican Council has cast doubt that arepas were part of the fare at the Last Supper. The Pope Francis, the Argentine pontiff who was unable to play the full 18-hole golf/retreat due to a knee injury concurred, saying that he would like to think that  they served beans and rice although the crops were not cultivated in Palestine at the time. 

“Yerba mate and Uruguayan dulce de leche from Uruguay were likely on the card.” . The wine was clearly a kosher Malbec from Mendoza,” said the Francis flexing his infallibility from the chair. Dead Sea scholars agree that it is quite likely that mate found a place at the sacred table and other fare common to the poor.

After dessert the diners split up into two teams and played football despite the finality of the group’s assemblage and clarity as to fiscal spiritual endeavors and forays into Palestinian regional cuisine.

-Maribelle Archette

Slivovitz wins moonshine laurels

Outdistancing Greco-suma  Lao Lao  Smokey Mountains’ White Lghtning  and Irish poteen, Czech slivovitz has again been voted Best Moonshine on Earth by Lunar Distillers International and more than 20 foreign embassies. 

“They did a damn nice job on the batch,” said one appreciative slurper. “The hint of plum is quite a plus.”

 

Alliteration of the week:

“We cannot allow the Western Balcans to become a playground for Putin’s pernicious pursuits,”

– Boris Johnson

Many who attacked Capitol ate wads of raw cookie dough as kids says report

Indicted or not, suspects filmed/interviewed by Captal Police and FBI have one thing in common. They all ate was of raw cookie dough as children. The data emerged as sociologists attempted to string together behavior stats on indicted rioters and prosecutors try to determine where to go next in what are often unchartered waters. 

The cookie dough thing is just one of those odd bit of information that elbows its way into the conversation. Whether this indicates a lack of parental supervision was not clear.

Doctors have issued the stupid warning about consuming cookie dough. They insist that  wolfing raw cookie dough as a child leads to unresolved conflicts and anger issues later in life. (See Chunker gluttons.) 

Counseling is available by people who think they are not crazy too.

“They tapped the anger cask, the hate keg”, said Ellie Ladyfinger. “I think there are other deeper issues than raw flour.” 

Related: The unorthodox and highly inconsequential, even irrelevant manner of gathering information represented a classic good cop – bad cop approach with an eye on stimulating dialogue. Several silly questions about first pets, favorite sports teams, and what they had for breakfast were meant to relax the suspect before the more meaty cross-examination about personal relationships, starting fires and preferred video games reared their heads.

LOCAL COPS COULD LOSE TV PRIVILEGES

(Gunnison) Police guilty of over-aggressive tactics will be dealt with harshly if House Bill 49993 makes it through the Senate. If passed the bill calls for the suspension of TV viewing by police officers.

“We have a segment of law enforcement personnel who have lost the ability to distinguish between TV cop shows and the day to day reality of our small towns,” said one proponent of the bill. “They think they are fighting crime when what they’re doing is harassing innocent citizens. We need less macho and more serving and protecting. We don’t need a SWAT team to get a cat out of a tree.”

Law makers are concerned that extreme enforcement techniques will only continue to polarize an already shell-shocked populace in small towns. They say overreaction to a potentially explosive situation deprives people of their rights and causes deep resentment toward authority in general. Police should be taught to first attempt to defuse a situation, not just to control.

“Now we are aware that the urban areas are no Mayberrys and that the majority of police are hard-working, well-intentioned civil servants,” continued the source, “but we are convinced that a few bad apples populate cruisers, especially in “safer rural communities”.

While supporters say they have ample votes to write the bill into law, detractors at the state level say an eleventh hour filibuster could be necessary to kill the move. One fence-sitting element stops short of punitive measures suggesting rather that focal points in Constitution are foremost in the regular curriculum at the police academy. – Melvin O’Toole