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Yeti snapped in Almont Triangle

Yeti snapped in Almont Triangle

Second appearance in as many months

(Jack’s Chalet) Two local men say they have documented what is believed to be yet another yeti sighting south of here. Only this time the creature was captured on film.

In addition to a color photo the two, Melvin O’Toole of Cahone and Earl MacAdoo of Baldwin, claim they saw giant footprints, heard low growls and found bits of course hair stuck to aspen trees.

“It appears that this fellow was in a big hurry to go somewhere,” said O’Toole, a surveyor who was mapping the area for a massive condo development. “The foot prints were different than anything a bear could leave behind. For about an hour both Earl and I felt we were being watched, then we saw the creature break from his wooded redoubt and sprint across an adjacent snowfield.”

O’Toole says the yeti covered about 10 yards in no time at all. He believes the creature had been startled by their chainsaw or was simply late for an appointment in Gunnison.

The yeti, dba Bigfoot, aka The Abominable Snowman was thought to reside exclusively in the Himalayan Range near Mount Everest. Called metoh kangmi by Tibetan villagers the name yeti was given to it by Sherpa tribesmen in Nepal. The word most likely meant all-devouring creature. According to legend he is a hairy beast, with a large ape-like body and a face that resembles that of a cow. 

“That’s the guy,” said MacAdoo. Throw in a long neck and some big ears and you got him pegged.”

Neither man could verify that the monster’s arms reached the ground and didn’t think that it was actually walking erect.

“It was getting dark and our vision was limited,” said O’Toole. “He moved quite gracefully but still in silhouette form and lingering in the brush.”

Both men said they feared an attack due to the close proximity of the encounter. They add that the yeti never looked in their direction lending credence to a theory that he never saw them at all. 

“He could sure use a shower,” laughed O’Toole when the county’s 300 police officers showed up to investigate. County officers quickly sealed off the area while Gunnison city cops ran their sirens as a probing, territorial gesture.

The governors of Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Kansas and New Mexico  are expected to visit the site Monday unless it rains.

Despite the inherent dangers of a missing link running around the woods, the mood is light here due to the arrival of spring. Already Alpine Express drivers have begun stopping in the hope that their charges might view more than eagles along the East River. Excursions into the back country have almost tripled since the sighting.

“It’s all very exiting,” said one Division of Wildlife officer. “It will be interesting to see the outcome and how it might affect our secret plans to reintroduce the Grizzly, the three-toed sloth and the Eurasian wild boar to Western Colorado.

Yetti captured on film in Gunnison County

Other reaction was mixed as sheep herders fear losses, realtors worry about the price of an acre, and biologists scurry around attempting to make sense out of the phenomenon.

Cynics question how the beast might have remained undetected for so long. Although dietary needs could easily be met there is little else for the yeti to do around here on cold winter nights. Even the movie theaters have shut down. They suggest that the footprints were merely enlarged due to exposure to the winter sun which they say melted them into wider forms. They add that the yeti would be more likely to hang out near the more posh resort areas of Aspen and Vail than near funky Crested Butte.

One benefit of the entire incident may be that while tromping about the Almont Triangle authorities have determined that the area is not a triangle at all but a hexagon. How this discovery will affect plans to build a green belt parking lot along Hypotenuse Creek is unclear at press time.

Due to this second coming, the two campers who claim to have seen the yeti last month are enjoying their day in the sun. According to one of them nobody believed us, not even our moms. Most said the creature was a bear, others insisted it was a second home owner from Taylor Canyon or a lost snowboarder.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Commissars OK Irwin Feed Lot

Commissars OK Irwin Feed Lot

Will supply quality beef for Aspen

(Crested Butte) Gunnison County has approved a low impact feedlot within the town of Irwin. The action comes as a bit of a surprise to residents there who once thought they had escaped the annoyances and aromas of the 21st Century.

“We’ve followed every county and state spec down to the nitty gritty, which of course is up to the cattle,” said Jack Sprat, a Brit, who came to the United States in 1994, a refugee from mad cow disease. “You want to talk about green belt? Do a soil test on the feedlot after just three months operation.”

The feedlot is classified low impact since it will be located exclusively near summer houses and host only a minimal, “but motivated” herd at first. In fact, Spratt’s kids will do most of the care-taking after school as part of a 4-H project.

“We expect to feed 200 -300 head in the beginning and expand to 5000 for the summer months. Spratt is currently negotiating with Irwin Lodge for grazing rights through the warmed months.

Most of the beef raised here will be shipped via Pearl Pass to glitzy Aspen where it will be transformed into high dollar, high cholesterol treats. Already several restaurants there have agreed to weighty contracts.

“We hope to conduct business without all the hype,” said Spratt. “We want to run a customer-friendly, caring facility that cows can be proud to call home. My kids don’t know about the real purpose here. They think the cattle are being raised for the circus. Not real smart, heh? When they are adults we’ll let them in on the action. Once they see the ledger sheet they’ll come around. 

“It’s amazing how money tempers morality, he smiled.

Meanwhile residents of Irwin have filed a complaint with the local authorities saying that the town is not zoned for this type of agriculture. They are threatening to boycott Crested Butte, Gunnison and Aspen if the plan is enacted.

“We have attended every last meeting on the subject,” said Spratt. “We even provided, at our own expense, the fertilizer for inquiring minds. What do they mean when they say Irwin is not zoned agriculture? Hell, everyone up there has at least three dogs and grows marijuana. That sounds pretty agriculture to me.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Vatican Denies Shift in Population Policy

(Roma) High ranking officials here vehemently deny that Pope Francis has broken ranks on the subject of birth control. Responding to accusations that the Pontiff liberally tossed condoms to the crowd while on a recent trip to Latin America, the Vatican argued that limited access from the Popemobile would make that impossible.

But it’s all over the internet.

The Popemobile, currently in the shop for repairs in Mexico City was not available for examination. The usually infallible vehicle hauls the Pope around in a high security, transparent bubble so that the poverty stricken masses can view the alleged heir of St. Peter up close and personal.

In an official announcement a Vatican spokesman said, “The Pontiff didn’t throw anything out of the Popemobile due to a severe injury suffered during a meeting with Fidel Castro years ago.”

According to inside sources the Pope and the deceased Cuban dictator, although separated by mounds of philosophical red tape, came together over their mutual love of baseball. One eye-witness confirmed reports that the Pope tore a rotator cup during a pickup game of catch in the courtyard at Columbus Cathedral. The injury prevented him from taking part in an exhibition game in Managua (Nicaragua) the following day.

“He’s a natural catcher although his knees are shot,” said the source. “He had an almost magical way with Fidel, (a former pitcher) and we hear he swings a mean stick.”

Getting back to the subject at hand the saint-happy Pope then concluded his visit in Guatemala by canonizing a Mayan taxi driver from Totonicapan. The driver, Juan Nomoore, disappeared while in police custody in 1991. He is said to be representative of the thousands of Mayans who lost their lives during a bloody 30-year civil war that was put on the back burner in 1996.

The new saint, technically Blessed until all precincts are in, replaces the legendary Maximon as patron saint of population control. Maximon has moved on to represent the coffee in lobby in Antigua.

The population of Catholic Guatemala is expected to double by the year 2035.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

      

One third of deceased roll over in graves

(Chicago) More than 30% of persons buried in over 1000 cemeteries across the country roll over in their graves at least once a year. According to a contingent of funeral directors and graveyard personnel, the habit or practice of rolling is not always due to what’s going on upstairs.

“We think of the deceased as reacting to a situation in our world but often the rolling is simply an attempt to get more comfortable or to readjust focus.

Cynics suggest that the entire matter is ridiculous and that when a person is dead he can no longer move.

“That’s what I thought before I started working in the field,” said Abe Teller, director of maintenance at Elysian Acres on Lake Michigan. “Some nights we can actually listen to the activity which, although subtle, is detectable to the trained ear.”

Teller went on to say that some gravestones actually shake and that the dirt is unsettled while other rolls are slight and leave no evidence of a shift.

The old expression referring to rolling over in the grave has been in use for centuries and is generally employed to describe response to a shocking or contrary action that occurs on earth after the deceased is buried. In the case of cremation these episodes have yet to be  documented.

“This place gets noisy on the weekends,” chuckled Teller, “especially after visits from loved ones.”

– Small Mouth Bess 

Bake sale to encourage world peace

(Gunnison) A combined bake and gun sale is scheduled for Saturday, May 28 on the campus of Western State College here. Included in the fare will be doughnuts, eclairs, brownies, subversive cookies, strudel, cream puffs, hand-held missile launchers and assault rifles. All profits will be fed back into the social system earmarked for organizations dedicated to world peace. If you know any please bring contact numbers to the sale. Immediately following the sale a seminar entitled Gasoline and War will be presented by the twisted student union. 

TECHIES CLONE BUCKET OF WATER

TECHIES CLONE BUCKET OF WATER

(Gothic) Scientists at the Rocky Mountain Biological Lab here have successfully cloned a pail of water. Working around the clock since last June, these cutting edge researchers confirm that water was created, albeit in small proportions, after combining genetic cells of several indigenous species with captured moisture and a residue of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.

Other than that they aren’t talking. 

Overshadowed for years by projects aimed at cloning everything from chickens to people, the water creation came about with little federal funding, the operations budget evolving from alternative sources and dry humor. 

Many of the day to day expenses were covered by local environmental groups with the remainder of the research money coming from state and local water boards, militant ditch riders and ranching interests.

“Most water boards, especially on the Confront Range, made their contributions anonymously or under the umbrella of hastily contrived public corporations,” said Oral Waters, executive director of RMBL. “They didn’t want anyone to connect them to this innovative approach in case it failed and the whole place went up like a wild flower.

The cloned water is on display at the aforementioned museum through February 30, when it will be shipped to Denver for analysis. Already conservationists have filed a lawsuit to prevent the water from being adjudicated for suburbs and golf corpses in the Denver metro area. They say that once the phenomenon reaches the heavily populated areas to the east the Western Slope will never get it back.

Meanwhile scientists here contend they can clone even larger amounts of water just as soon as they gain

Research scientist poses with archaic desalination apparatus moments before successfully cloning a bucket of water at Gothic, Colorado. Investors here hope the discovery will ease water shortages and allow humans to continue to abuse the life sustaining element.

approval from regulatory boards and someone’s federal government.

“They want to make sure that the excess water does not adversely affect the price of existing water,” continued Waters. “It’s like oil, milk or many other liquid forms. An abundance of water could cause prices to drop and result in a negative impact on the market.”

Many local watchdogs warn that the price of water has always been in the bargain basement and that any new water in this valley would be welcome news. 

Acknowledged as the breakthrough of the century, the creation of abundant water supplies will change everything, they say. Meanwhile related offices have been flooded with phone calls since the weekend.

“What the rest of the Rocky Mountain concerns do with this new found treasure is still not clear,” said one environmentalist. “Soon we may see more green fields, experiments with high yield crops, more trees, less desert and, yes, more golf corpses. We have skirted the issue for far too long thinking that new sources of the life liquid would be found. Now we appear to be on the threshold of ice-cold discovery.”

Physicians, set on pathological career advancement and fame associated with medical breakthroughs, have focused on cloning living things for decades. Despite condemnation from the government and religious groups they have blindly followed task, the medical hierarchy smiling in approval.

“For no other reason than the earth’s overpopulation this research must be terminated,” said Waters. “We don’t need any more people. But we do need a lot more water!”

Moments after the announcement a host of corporate interests were on the scene attempting to file patents, carve out deals and make claims of the new water. They seek to control the cloned substance and thus sell it to consumers at exorbitant prices.

“It’s the American way,” said one real estate executive who seeks to gain rights for a 10,000-home suburb east of Denver. “We have no water now but we have to keep feeding the monster that we have created or he’ll turn on us. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. They get away with whatever they like. If the people ever rise up and take back what is theirs we’ll all be on the chopping block.”

Waters would not comment when asked if his research would lead to the cloning of snow. He did say, however that the RMBL needed storage containers, cisterns, troughs and a backhoe so as to continue to clone the wet gold.

“What good is anything without water,” he pontificated. “So what if we drill for a million barrels of oil? It can’t keep people from their thirst. What good is a pickup load of gold if the driver is parched? We envision two men. One has a bag of gold, the other a cup of water. When push comes to shove which one would best benefit from an even trade?”

Scientists went on to assure supporters that his water was of the finest quality and tasted just like all the other water in the region.

“It’s fresh, clear and bountiful…and best when served cold,” he quipped. “The first thing on our extended agenda is to return the rivers of this country to their original state, then I myself plan to take a long, hot shower.”     

– Kashmir Horseshoe