All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
STALIN’S MUSTACHE TOUR RETURNS TO WESTERN SLOPE
The well received Joseph Stalin Mustache Tour will once again grace Western Colorado this summer with tentative stopovers in Mancos: July 26; Paradox August 6; Cahone Whisker Days August 12-13; Paradox August 22; Glade Park September 7; Sunbeam September 16; Cowdrey September 23; Dotsero September 25: Bowie September 30: Gladstone October 4 and Spar City October 29. Please be aware that Stalin’s mustache will be in the state for about four months with little to do when it is not performing. Please treat our visitor’s lip hair with respect no matter what your politics may be.
IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE
(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.
These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.
“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport. “Despite England’s refusal to believe we didn’t want to be English we managed to persevere and have reclaimed our culture, our heritage and our souls.”
“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”
If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea, landing in an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continues to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.
– Padriac Hopp-Bennie
Ropas Sucias
Deer Signs Stupid
Reasoning not because deer don’t read but because signs in English not Venison, a rare and ancient tongue not related to any other language than Ibioux . Even the elk, and especially the moose have no idea what the deer are saying either.
Mandate – what Donald of Orange will find out he does not have.
JC: Julius Caesar — Named as one of the the great fornicators of antiquity by historians, a plateau he inhabited until that bloody day in the Roman Senate.
The Denver Post: Awarded again for micro-coverage of the Denver Broncos and Adams County shootings.
Before we press on into the foggy leeway freeway that is called reality let us reflect for a moment on the two Giant Questions that no one has successfully undressed. Where did we come here from? Where do we go after this? Everyone from astro-biologists to strip mall preachers will present their side of this, the big story…
Genocide spelled backwards is ediconeg but in life’s unforgiving mirror it’s still GENOCIDE.
A CONVERSATION WITH THE GEOGRAPHY GURU
“I don’t care how much money you may have. If you can’t tell the difference between Bismarck and Pierre you’re still an idiot in my book.” – Monsieur Geography
“Those who disregard geography are destined to get lost.” – Giuseppe Garibaldi
Well, there you have it, at least according to these semi-noted experts in the field of geography. Some people wander around the planet with no comprehension of what’s around the next corner while others are obsessed with the location and status of every paltry little stream and insignificant mountain range from Toronto to Tierra del Fuego.
In determining the importance of geography one may find two distinct schools of thought on the subject. The first, which is probably the most accepted, at least as far as daylight lip service goes, suggests that the study of geography is imperative if one seeks to understand his immediate surroundings. The second, an apathetic, almost cynical view, holds that accumulating this kind of information is meaningless.
A few weeks ago it was brought to light that 75% of Evelyn Terkle’s 8th grade class, over in Baldwin, could not correctly identify the island of Britain on a map, even on a clear day. Places like Bosnia, Angola and Michigan were totally out of the question. Many could only find Montrose by looking for Wal-Mart. While upsetting, with regards to the first school of thought, the disclosure brought loud cheers of sarcastic approval in the second camp.
Take pride in thy ignorance and it will return to bite thee on the butt. – St Roscoe of the Apocalypse.
In order to better comprehend the current status of geographical intelligence, or the lack of such in this country, we have, at great expense, brought in a recognized topographic wizard, Monsieur LaLoy Geography. Besides answering a flock of pressing questions as to the future of his work, our guest will share a few tips on improving geographical comprehension and will present the serious student with a simple quiz which, according to him, goes a long way toward measuring perceived awareness. Let’s get on with it:
Horseshoe: So, Msr. Geography, is it your contention that people who lack basic geographical skills are downright stupid?
Msr. Geography: Please call me Phil, and yes, we have found a strong correlation between inherent knowledge of place and general intelligence, if only in the sense that people who are oblivious to the natural order on their planet are not prone to accumulating other significant data either. They are, in short, bozos, who have no right to take up space here and should be brutally executed at the earliest convenience.
Horseshoe: That’s interesting, but why is it important to accumulate this knowledge if we have no plans to get out of town?
Phil: Let me answer that question with another question: Do you suppose that if a locale is not on your bus route that it does not exist?
Horseshoe: Bus route? What do buses, or even luxury automobiles have to do with our conversation?
Phil: Tell that to the last Mad Max who tried to drive his Cadillac to Kuala Lumpur. Had he digested even the simplest course on earth description he would have opted to fly, saving himself a great deal of money and embarrassment.
Horseshoe: Of course he would. Not to change the immediate subject, but wasn’t it you who suggested that the world is actually flat and not round at all?
Phil: The world is flat. All one has to do is go for a walk to figure that out. Some places are flatter than others. For instance, Kansas is flatter than a pancake, while Colorado enjoys endless mountains that were formed by the gaseous ski industry after the War. Livestock don’t realize this simple reality and that is precisely why they are suspended in their present predicament.
Horseshoe: Why don’t people take more of an interest in this fascinating science?
Phil: Because one cannot negotiate land masses with his remote control channel changer. They think all of us geographers are in the sub-genius category and that they cannot hope to achieve, much less maintain, our level of competence.
Horseshoe: So what if my analyst can’t give proper directions to Moline or if my physician can’t find Paraguay on the world map?
Phil: Hey, don’t you know that the Information Age has short-sheeted all of us? What are the neighborhood morons doing getting pedicures, watching football, attending Tupperware parties and jacking up their four-wheel-drives? Information is the new god of the millennium! Those looking over their shoulders will be turned to salt! Vengeance is mine sayeth…
Horseshoe: Don’t get excited Monsieur Geography. At this altitude you could have a stroke.
Phil: I told you to call me Phil. Exactly what altitude of are we at anyway?
Horseshoe: Oh, 7700 feet above sea level .
Phil: Well, that’s better, but how many more of you could answer that question without driving by the sign at the entrance to town?
Horseshoe: Hmmmm. We see that you’ve brought along some props. Could you explain?
Phil: I have maps, globes, atlases, sophisticated navigational apparatus, weather balloons, compasses, climate charts, psysio-graphic and meteorological surveys and other assorted tools with which to illustrate my point..
Horseshoe: Great. What do you intend to do with them?
Phil: Sell them, stupid. What do you think? If you had a phone at your desk we could put together one of those home shopping network shindigs and corner a few bucks while we’re flapping our jaws.
Horseshoe: If time permits. Wow, that’s one nice globe. What’s it made of? How did you get it so flat?
Phil: It’s just Jello. And that’s usually a professional secret, my boy, but I drove over it with my Corvair.
Horseshoe: Awesome, but what can a person do to better improve his comprehension of, say, the general geography of the United States?
Phil: The best way I know is to take a bus trip from New York to Los Angeles. Those transports travel through every jerkwater town along the way. Most people are so bored that they begin to subliminally retain even the most meaningless of jagged statistics. I knew a woman who memorized the populations of all the towns from Toledo to Green River, just for something to do. Now there’s a potential geography whiz! The only reason she gave up in Utah is that she realized the signs had featured the altitudes, and not the populations, since way back at Julesburg, whoever he was.
Horseshoe: Really. What else?
Phil: Try reading those red, one-way road maps in your eyes, sailor, or attempt to learn the location of at least one world capital per day. In a few decades, you could actually be geographically literate, if you’re memory is any good. Remember: maps are fun for everyone! If we choose to ignore geography why not blow off all other imperative structures such as spelling, grammar, physical laws, social norms, simple math, TV sitcoms and the checks and balances in our government.
Horseshoe: Great. But have you ever met a geography major? Most are tediously boring at best.
Phil: There’s no need to get personal. We are not trivia nazis. We are students of the planet. Here’s the damn quiz. Good luck…
Basic Geography Quiz #611
Answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Feel free to lean on any references since it is doubtful that you will find them. Passing this simple test could get you a permanent spot on most leading television game shows or could get you elected to public office.
1. Why is Kansas City in Missouri?
2. From which direction does the moon first appear in the morning?
3. Where do Hawaiian shirts go in winter?
4. If Napoleon thought Waterloo was in Holland why then did he refuse to speak Flemish to his cavalry?
5. Is the practice of following the Grateful Dead a geological or geographical endeavor?
6. What is the normal cab fare from Mecca to Medina (Al Madinah)? How much tip is expected?
7. Why is the cover matting of National Geographic Magazine always in yellow?
8. Where did the term get lost originate?
9. Why doesn’t Rand McNally include heaven and hell on its atlas?
10. Why don’t the residents of Turkey change the name of their country? Don’t they realize that everyone is laughing at them?
Send your answers to Geography Editor, San Juan Horseshoe before August 2, 2025. Bonus question: If one heads west on Colorado Avenue which direction is he headed?
(Editor’s note: Products featured in the Monsieur Geography Interview can be purchased by writing: Msr. Geography, Box 1220, Santa Fe, WY. They are said to make wonderful Christmas gifts.)
– Melvin Toole, a convicted cartographer, thinks Paris is France.
Honor Student Stickers Stolen
(Montrose) Some 300 blue and white bumper stickers declaring “Columbine Honor Student Parent” are missing from the middle school’s vault according to insiders there. It is feared that the stickers, which are awarded to students who make the school’s honor roll, have been circulated among lower achievers.
“It’s getting so you don’t know who to believe,” said one source at Columbine. “The Columbine is the state flower and was once a trusted symbol of Colorado of beauty and excellence.”
Status symbols and Colorado souvenirs in general demand a high price on the thriving Black Market as several have been sighted as far away as Corrales, New Mexico. It is not known if this current crisis is related to a string of 2022 felonies where crooks, armed to the teeth with high-grade explosives, systematically dismantled entire bumper mechanisms to get at the coveted stickers.
Residents are asked to report any scandalous display of these sticky accolades by persons who appear clearly incapable of spawning an honor student. Authorities ask that citizens do not attempt to apprehend these callous persons or to confiscate their ill-gotten kudos. Instead concerned residents are asked to jot down the license number of the offender and call police.
-Zorro DesPlants
HACKERS RELEASE CONGRESSIONAL EMAILS
(Washington) Hackers have successfully breached Congressional security, making public direct contact data common to the legislative group. Moments after forced entry, the hackers announced that emails, social security information and even home phone numbers would now be available to citizens of the world.
The cyber break-in, one of the most extensive to hit the United States, promises to send piercing shock waves through world governments either allied or at odds with the governing body here. Even the White House has been put on alert in apprehension of further interruptions and potential sabotage.
It is feared that identity theft is already in motion, blurring the partisan image across the aisle and making it virtually impossible to tell the elected officials from lobbyists that congregate each day just outside the sanctimonious doors of the Capitol.
The sensitive information now floating in cyberspace could pose serious security issues but will also allow constituents unprecedented access to their elected officials. Already many Americans have called their Congressmen at home to suggest action or complain of undoings.
“We have reached a new plateau of freedom in this nation in that these coyotes and their entourage are now forced to be responsive to the needs of their constituencies,” said an unreliable source who has reputedly been on the phone all night. “In the recent past they would simply release a double-talk statement through their attorney or public relations department. Now they will have to talk directly to their fellow countrymen who, as the early returns suggest, are not pleased with the workings of their gov’ment.”
It is not known if this development will lead to a rational exchange and elected officials might start listening instead of talking.
“All most of these elites care about is themselves and their reelection,” said the source. “Now the tables may have turned.”
For all of you that called in: We do not know how the hacking will affect the popular Win Lunch with Your Congressman Contest now in progress all across the land.
– Mario Swervo
