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Apostles not Jesus’ team says Lackluster

(Narrow Frontal Plaza) Never does the Christian Bible refer to the 12 renown Apostles as a team. What are these revisionists thinking? Apostles are loyal, dedicated,  esteemed, often fanatic followers while teams are made up of players who might get traded to Cleveland tomorrow.

These people where never a team in any respect. They were not simply players. To classify them as sixth men or taxi squad or utility persons does them a serious injustice. To do so diminishes their importance in the early folklore of the sect. 

Dr. Simon Lackluster, a nocturnal geologist (aka “the sidearms reverend) on loan from the University of Caucasoid (Norway) sees a wide chasm between apostle and team.

“Superstition has a life all its own. Those years when I ran the mega-church people always wanted me to answer their questions about mortality, so I did . Later when they asked me to preach in their churches and pulpit their Bible studies I opted out for a brief, but concentrated drunk in downtown Rifle. Guilty? Certainly. Poor? No,” he coughed.

“The use of corporate lobotomy skid words like team, whatever and especially reach out is so blisteringly trite and insincere that it makes me want to vomit,” adds Sister Suzie Sinbad, a former Mother Superior on Lake Ontario who was disbarred from the convent for allegedly torturing squirrels in the nearby forests while the other nuns were at vespers.

“Cock-A-Doodle-Doooo…!”  – Conor Sturgeon upon seeing Rica Merluza for the first time

State shoots shake into space

In a series of catapult launches, Colorado will blast-off more than 700,000 tons of discarded marijuana debris. The space probes featuring high tech often hallucinatory propellent are expected to visit several space stations to dump the pot.

With the 2021 harvest all but over the state of Colorado has decided to cosmically discard an alarming surplus of marijuana, on its way to the bank. The “new zucchini”* has clogged up the system and threatens to suffocate the enlightened while irritating the uninitiated. 

“It is like from one of those people eating plant movies,” said Marvin Twinn, a local botanist. “Soon we will all be covered up and blow away.”

Critics of the program say it would be easier to bury the stuff but the state seems intent on “making a statement” according to those who would like to see things handled differently at higher levels.

*Frog of according to the late Frog of Paonia,CB May he rest in peace

OBAMA CANONIZED

(Vatican) Despite explicit differences in matters of population control, Pope Francis has bestowed tentative sainthood on Barack Obama. It is the highest honor offered by the Roman Catholic Church

In a solemn ritual, the pontiff praised Obama as the first known Protestant to win the sacred accolade. The American President, who was awarded the Noble Peace Prize back in 2012, said, “I guess this is my year,” smiled Obama, “first the Presidency, then the Nobel…now sainthood. It’s beyond belief!”

Obama is expected to further confer with the Pope on the subject of infallibility and the Divine Right of Kings. Obama is a graduate of Harvard Law School. The Argentine Pope holds advanced degrees in Dark Ages History and the Spanish Inquisition.

Kudos flew as Obama praised the Pope in light of millions of solar collectors that blanket St Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel.

Rumors flooding the city-state had indicated that the Pontiff would use the Obama visit to unveil a major cash giveaway but these hopes were dashed as Obama boarded Air Force One last night. He is expected back in Washington tomorrow to play 18 holes with the Dalai Lama.

Progressives within the Papal entourage had petitioned the Vatican treasury to share its billions of assets with poor constituents in Latin America.

“That’s still on the back burner,” said one Cardinal, “or whenever hell freezes over.”

In a related piece, the Pentagon today confirmed that the Vatican would purchase 4 F-16 fighter jets sometime before St Valentine’s Day.

“No, we don’t have any idea how the Vatican plans to employ the weapons,” said one Air Force representative. “But there are certain discretions that must be extended to a man with a lot of money in his hands.

– Dinty Moore

Elk Extend Contract Through ’35

(Lake City) Local Wapiti have agreed to what many here see as a lucrative contract, insuring continued interaction with humans through 2035. Whether this agreement will apply to the herds over Cinnamon Pass, near Silverton remains in issue due to stronger unions, the price of beef and sensitive highway clauses in San Juan County.

By endorsing the offer the elk agree to show up in meadows in the morning, bugle when appropriate and run from hunters in the fall. In return they will be allowed to roam mountain towns day or night and keep their racks in velvet for the summer.

The agreement will reportedly net the elk over $3.8 million over just less than two years, with bonuses and incentives.

In Silverton, local elk are still refusing to stay off the highways at night and remain unhappy with restrictions on endorsements put on them by the county. That, according to inside negotiators, is the hold-up.

“We need the elk so as to preserve a healthy eco-system,” said one local attorney representing the animals. “If Silverton does not comply what’s keeping the herds from relocating to Hinsdale County?”

He said nothing of burgeoning moose herds who refuse to do even the slightest amount of work around the region.

Meanwhile, Silverton has other fish to fry due to the continued absence of the proverbial ground hog from the scene. The hole dwelling rodent, who was supposed to make an appearance in early February is still nowhere to be seen.

“We think he must of frozen his arse off and could not make his appointment,” suggested some men over at the bar. “We’re all looking forward to February to see if he comes back.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Supreme Quart Bans Evolution

(Washington) The newly reorganized Supreme Quart has voted unanimously to ban the theory of evolution within the borders of the United States. The move which not only negates evolution as an explanation for existence also bans its teaching and application.

“We will no longer evolve,” said one justice, “but rather follow the simpler story of creation in our daily lives. Anyone who refuses to get in line will face strict penalties.”

When asked about the sacred separation of church and state as defined by the Constitution the black-robed judges called for an immediate recess to study the document.

Many recent Trump appointees have lobbied for the passage of this measure since 911 saying that the country did not need evolution and that it confused their constituency. They mean to enforce their philosophy in both public and private much like “them mullahs do in Iran”.

“The nation has not noticeably evolved since 1990 and these people are, by evil design, continuing that flow,” said critics who promised to fight the decision. Citing a fast-food eating consumer populace “too fat to fight” they conceded that their struggle would not be an easy one.

“We are drifting along somewhere between the Spanish Inquisition and the Dark Ages,” said one Congressman, “and that can’t be fun for anyone.”

In other business the justices have moved to outlaw cartoons in that they are seen as making fun of the President and his cabinet. The Quart then rubber stamped a request on the part of the White House to ship Mike Pence to the Philadelphia Phillies despite league restrictions and trade deadlines.

– Suzie Compost

FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING

(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode. 

ALL THE TEA IN CHINA –  A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai noodle shops and satellite installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.

COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of kale.

GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in suburban Columbus, Ohio.

JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running much better after the new seat covers were installed. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.

WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve and Eyelash Cement. 

THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District, Cynthia hears from Dave and the price of vermouth skyrockets.

HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s edible cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate. Smuggler Mine lays out an outlandish spread in an attempt to come to common ground with the United Mine Workers union.

ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 102nd birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off warmed champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.

SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the entire Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy accounting department  for lunch.