All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

DOW Wants in on Drone License Fees

(Deer Trail, CO) Threatening to sell drone licenses to this year’s hunters may or may not be legitimate. Either way it has caused quite an uproar at the Colorado Division of Wildlife, who want a piece of the local action if there is such.

     According to town fathers and mothers in Deer Trail, the announcement that the municipality would begin selling drone licenses this fall was meant as a political statement and never as an actuality. Several say they wanted to protest the country’s policies with regard to unmanned rockets, spying and assassinations of suspected terrorists, including US citizens. Others say our government has lost its sense of right and wrong and is engaged in deplorable acts on our behalf.

     “The fact that the national media picked up on our tongue and cheek plan further indicates that there are a lot of people out there highly concerned about the clandestine nature of our government these days,” said councilperson Bettie Clonne of Deer Trail. “And now it appears that another parasitic gov’ment agency wants in on the spoils.”

     Clonne, which rhymes with drone, went on to suggest that it would be impossible to sell drone licenses since those unmanned weapons are not all that prevalent in Colorado skies and because drones are not wards of the state like deer and elk. In addition they remind us that one cannot eat a drone which creates other problems with morality of hunting in general.

     “We realize it is a federal offense to mess with federal property, even though in essence it belongs to the people, doesn’t it?” she asked.

     The government has expanded its drone programs to include domestic surveillance which worries civil liberty proponents as to the future of robot war and intrusive technology.

     “Don’t shoot it unless you’re going to eat it has always been my mantra,” continued the source. “I haven’t seen any trophy drones up there and the drone is not calculated on the basis of points on the antler since there are no horns, just a ball of metal.”

     Meanwhile the DOW, who used to offer hunting licenses at a reasonable fee for instate and out of state sportsmen, has continued its greedy march to the destruction of pedesdrian hunting in Colorado. Years ago everyone shared in the profits, – merchants, outfitters, communities – now most of the money ends up going to the DOW. Today’s  average hunter is now urban, unskilled and rich with expensive gear and no soul for the hunt. This is what happens when fees are not in keeping with reality. Less hunters mean less money spent on dinners, hotel rooms and services.

     Still the thought of bringing down an unmanned drone is tempting to some. The possibility of actually hitting one with an elk rifle is all but impossible anyway. They travel fast.

     Most people in Deer Trail agree that all the hoopla over shooting down drones will blow over after the season is concluded. However the feds and the state will still be here helping us to become more robotic and less human.

     What tales will they tell around the campfire in the years to come?

     “I was so busy field dressing the first clone that I din’t see the second one coming right at me. Thankfully my old buddy Earl had a bead on it and blasted it out of the sky. I don’t know if the meat can be recovered but it was a damn fine shot. Things sure are different out in the woods then they were when I was a boy.”

– Rocky Flats

WAS THE GOUT THE UNDOING OF THE BLACKFOOT NATION?

Called the dark toe in the Algonquian language, gout may have been the culprit in ravaging the once-mighty Blackfoot Nation. Historians are correct to ascertain that measles and small pox were devastating to these plains tribes but most miss to contribution of uric acid to the formula.

Once linked to gluttony and drunkenness gout is now seen in a different light. The Blackfoot were not big boozers until the whites kicked them onto reservations. So why did they suffer from gout. Their Alberta cousins, the Sarcee, did not get the gout nor did many of their traditional enemies such as the Sioux. Although not contagious, the painful ailment follows protocol.

The Blackfeet, unlike centuries of European victims, exhibited no guilt as it wasn’t yet invented on the at least out there on the prairie.

“The Native Americans ate few processed foods, little sugar, but a “buttload of buffalo, and I ain’t talking western New York,” said Alberta Purinal, a leading dietician who has never had gout.

“Imagine this scenario,” she continued. A brave wakes up in pain after the Sun Dance. He goes to witch doctor who recommends ginger root extract, black cherries, couch grass and Boerhavia extract. When he asks where he can get these remedies the witch doctor simply flinches and days…maybe over in Canada.”

Confusion reigned then as it does today.

One Blackfoot elder tells us he traded three ponies for a vial of potion said to relieve the gout. It didn’t. They told me at the lodge fire to eat salmon but never tuna. Then later I was warned to eat only tuna and never salmon. I can’t remember the mantra: buffalo meat asparagus and berries or buffalo meat asparagus and berries…

-Fred Zeppelin

For a related piece see Dystopian Nightmares by Lizzie Borden, Testosterone Bros., Boston.

STALIN’S MUSTACHE TOUR RETURNS TO WESTERN SLOPE

   The well received Joseph Stalin Mustache Tour will once again grace Western Colorado this summer with tentative stopovers in Mancos: July 26; Paradox August 6; Cahone Whisker Days August 12-13; Paradox August 22; Glade Park September 7; Sunbeam September 16; Cowdrey September 23; Dotsero September 25: Bowie September 30: Gladstone October 4 and Spar City October 29. Please be aware that Stalin’s mustache will be in the state for about four months with little to do when it is not performing. Please treat our visitor’s lip hair with respect no matter what your politics may be.

IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE

(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.

     These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.

     “When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport. “Despite England’s refusal to believe we didn’t want to be English we managed to persevere and have reclaimed our culture, our heritage and our souls.”

     “We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”

     If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea, landing in an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continues to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.

– Padriac Hopp-Bennie

Ropas Sucias

Deer Signs Stupid

Reasoning not because deer don’t read but because signs in English not Venison, a rare and ancient tongue not related to any other language than Ibioux . Even the elk, and especially the moose have no idea what the deer are saying either.

Mandate – what Donald of Orange will find out he does not have.

JC: Julius Caesar — Named as one of the the great fornicators of antiquity by historians, a plateau he inhabited until that bloody day in the Roman Senate.

The Denver Post: Awarded again for micro-coverage of the Denver Broncos and Adams County shootings.

Before we press on into the foggy leeway freeway that is called reality let us reflect for a moment on the two Giant Questions that no one has successfully undressed. Where did we come here from? Where do we go after this? Everyone from astro-biologists to strip mall preachers will present their side of this, the big story…

Genocide spelled backwards is ediconeg but in life’s unforgiving mirror it’s still GENOCIDE.

A CONVERSATION WITH THE GEOGRAPHY GURU

“I don’t care how much money you may have. If you can’t tell the difference between Bismarck and Pierre you’re still an idiot in my book.”   – Monsieur Geography

“Those who disregard geography are destined to get lost.”   – Giuseppe Garibaldi

     Well, there you have it, at least according to these semi-noted experts in the field of geography. Some people wander around the planet with no comprehension of what’s around the next corner while others are obsessed with the location and status of every paltry little stream and insignificant mountain range from Toronto to Tierra del Fuego.

     In determining the importance of geography one may find two distinct schools of thought on the subject. The first, which is probably the most accepted, at least as far as daylight lip service goes, suggests that the study of geography is imperative if one seeks to understand his immediate surroundings. The second, an apathetic, almost cynical view, holds that accumulating this kind of information is meaningless.

     A few weeks ago it was brought to light that 75% of Evelyn Terkle’s 8th grade class, over in Baldwin, could not correctly identify the island of Britain on a map, even on a clear day. Places like Bosnia, Angola and Michigan were totally out of the question. Many could only find Montrose by looking for Wal-Mart. While upsetting, with regards to the first school of thought, the disclosure brought loud cheers of sarcastic approval in the second camp.

Take pride in thy ignorance and it will return to bite thee on the butt. – St Roscoe of the Apocalypse.

     In order to better comprehend the current status of geographical intelligence, or the lack of such in this country, we have, at great expense, brought in a recognized topographic wizard, Monsieur LaLoy Geography. Besides answering a flock of pressing questions as to the future of his work, our guest will share a few tips on improving geographical comprehension and will present the serious student with a simple quiz which, according to him, goes a long way toward measuring perceived awareness. Let’s get on with it:

Horseshoe: So, Msr. Geography, is it your contention that people who lack basic geographical skills are downright stupid?

Msr. Geography: Please call me Phil, and yes, we have found a strong correlation between inherent knowledge of place and general intelligence, if only in the sense that people who are oblivious to the natural order on their planet are not prone to accumulating other significant data either. They are, in short, bozos, who have no right to take up space here and should be brutally executed at the earliest convenience.

Horseshoe: That’s interesting, but why is it important to accumulate this knowledge if we have no plans to get out of town?

Phil: Let me answer that question with another question: Do you suppose that if a locale is not on your bus route that it does not exist?

Horseshoe: Bus route? What do buses, or even luxury automobiles have to do with our conversation?

Phil: Tell that to the last Mad Max who tried to drive his Cadillac to Kuala Lumpur. Had he digested even the simplest course on earth description he would have opted to fly, saving himself a great deal of money and embarrassment.

Horseshoe: Of course he would. Not to change the immediate subject, but wasn’t it you who suggested that the world is actually flat and not round at all?

Phil: The world is flat. All one has to do is go for a walk to figure that out. Some places are flatter than others. For instance, Kansas is flatter than a pancake, while Colorado enjoys endless mountains that were formed by the gaseous ski industry after the War. Livestock don’t realize this simple reality and that is precisely why they are suspended in their present predicament.

Horseshoe: Why don’t people take more of an interest in this fascinating science?

Phil: Because one cannot negotiate land masses with his remote control channel changer. They think all of us geographers are in the sub-genius category and that they cannot hope to achieve, much less maintain, our level of competence.

Horseshoe: So what if my analyst can’t give proper directions to Moline or if my physician can’t find Paraguay on the world map?

Phil: Hey, don’t you know that the Information Age has short-sheeted all of us? What are the neighborhood morons doing getting pedicures, watching football, attending Tupperware parties and jacking up their four-wheel-drives? Information is the new god of the millennium! Those looking over their shoulders will be turned to salt! Vengeance is mine sayeth…

Horseshoe: Don’t get excited Monsieur Geography. At this altitude you could have a stroke.

Phil: I told you to call me Phil. Exactly what altitude of are we at anyway?

Horseshoe: Oh, 7700 feet above sea level .

Phil: Well, that’s better, but how many more of you could answer that question without driving by the sign at the entrance to town?

Horseshoe: Hmmmm. We see that you’ve brought along some props. Could you explain?

Phil: I have maps, globes, atlases, sophisticated navigational apparatus, weather balloons, compasses, climate charts, psysio-graphic and meteorological surveys and other assorted tools with which to illustrate my point..

Horseshoe: Great. What do you intend to do with them?

Phil: Sell them, stupid. What do you think? If you had a phone at your desk we could put together one of those home shopping network shindigs and corner a few bucks while we’re flapping our jaws.

Horseshoe: If time permits. Wow, that’s one nice globe. What’s it made of? How did you get it so flat?

Phil: It’s just Jello. And that’s usually a professional secret, my boy, but I drove over it with my Corvair.

Horseshoe: Awesome, but what can a person do to better improve his comprehension of, say, the general geography of the United States?

Phil: The best way I know is to take a bus trip from New York to Los Angeles. Those transports travel through every jerkwater town along the way. Most people are so bored that they begin to subliminally retain even the most meaningless of jagged statistics. I knew a woman who memorized the populations of all the towns from Toledo to Green River, just for something to do. Now there’s a potential geography whiz! The only reason she gave up in Utah is that she realized the signs had featured the altitudes, and not the populations, since way back at Julesburg, whoever he was.

Horseshoe: Really. What else?

Phil: Try reading those red, one-way road maps in your eyes, sailor, or attempt to learn the location of at least one world capital per day. In a few decades, you could actually be geographically literate, if you’re memory is any good. Remember: maps are fun for everyone! If we choose to ignore geography why not blow off all other imperative structures such as spelling, grammar, physical laws, social norms, simple math, TV sitcoms and the checks and balances in our government.

Horseshoe: Great. But have you ever met a geography major? Most are tediously boring  at best.

Phil: There’s no need to get personal. We are not trivia nazis. We are students of the planet. Here’s the damn quiz. Good luck…

Basic Geography Quiz #611

Answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Feel free to lean on any references since it is doubtful that you will find them. Passing this simple test could get you a permanent spot on most leading television game shows or could get you elected to public office.

1. Why is Kansas City in Missouri?

2. From which direction does the moon first appear in the morning?

3. Where do Hawaiian shirts go in winter?

4. If Napoleon thought Waterloo was in Holland why then did he refuse to speak Flemish to his cavalry?

5. Is the practice of following the Grateful Dead a geological or geographical endeavor?

6. What is the normal cab fare from Mecca to Medina (Al Madinah)? How much tip is expected?

7. Why is the cover matting of National Geographic Magazine always in yellow?

8. Where did the term get lost originate?

9. Why doesn’t Rand McNally include heaven and hell on its atlas?

10. Why don’t the residents of Turkey change the name of their country? Don’t they realize that everyone is laughing at them?

Send your answers to Geography Editor, San Juan Horseshoe before August 2, 2025. Bonus question: If one heads west on Colorado Avenue which direction is he headed?

(Editor’s note: Products featured in the Monsieur Geography Interview can be purchased by writing: Msr. Geography, Box 1220, Santa Fe, WY. They are said to make wonderful Christmas gifts.)

– Melvin Toole, a convicted cartographer, thinks Paris is France.