San Juan Horseshoe

Refried News since 1977. Warning: May contain revisionist thinking!

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Affordable reading for Western Colorado since 1977.

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Please remove shoes before entering Lifestyles and Soft News. Stories accessible 24-7 simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks, Fractured Opinion and Hard News directly under the masthead

Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our high altitude stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in political emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.

Featuring in-depth, introspective news stories written by people who weren’t there either.This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, **the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Luang Prabang wanting to borrow a cup of rice. In May a woman in Bilbao sent us a naughty Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!**

As with all endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. Thank you for letting us drink expensive whiskey and sleep late in the golden years.

Failed stand-up comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.

Crested Butte morning fog

Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).

No hen or stag parties will be tolerated on week nights (Strictly enforced)

Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com

World News

Australians object to marsupial label

(Sydney) Australians here on the Tasman Sea are sick of what they are calling offensive, even racist slurs centering around the use of the word marsupial. The entire nation’s sensibilities have over the years been bruised by constant misuse of the term which refers to mammals exhibiting external abdominal pouches. Included on this roster are kangaroos, wombats and bandicoots, all of which are found only on the Australian continent.

“People here are far more likely to have beer bellies than pouches,” said a spokesman for the Fair Dinkum government here. “In over twenty years of searching we have yet to find any people that could be classified as marsupial and we resent the implications forwarded by the foreign press.”

Polyester Crop Rots in Sun

(Kuala Lumpoor) Continued sweat shop strife and street fights between the Muslim majority and Chinese residents here have severely interrupted the annual polyester harvest. As of noon Tuesday tons of ripe polyester remains strewn about the fields, rotting in the tropical sun. Major markets like the United States and Europe have expressed concern that the yield will be a poor one and that they might have to rely on such antiquated fibers as cotton and wool to fuel the fashion industry.

Garment workers currently demanding and end to slave wages and religious factions here in the capital have turned militant and in many cases have prevented agricultural workers from getting to the fields at all. If the valuable resource does not reach the market place soon it will be worthless. Already manufacturers are projecting chronic shortages for the fall. Many have considered pulling out of Southeast Asia due to what they call “disloyal elements who seek better working conditions”.

Anarchists Demand Own Homeland

(Godthaab, Greenland) A contingent of international anarchists has petitioned Denmark for a chunk of Greenland. The large island, a fourth the size of the US, currently enjoys the status as a county of tiny Denmark. The anarchists, who generally don’t approach such matters through normal diplomatic channels, have asked for 100,000 square miles along the mountainous Atlantic Coast where the population density is one of the lowest in the world.

Official sources in Copenhagen contend that while the area in question is not considered essential to Danish interests they are concerned that the radical policies of the anarchists might infect Canada and Iceland, where virtually nothing earth shaking has occurred in over 200 years.

Most politicians here feel that an anarchist homeland has no place above the Arctic Circle and that the presence of more people could have adverse effects on polar bear harpoon fishing there. In addition, with extreme global warming, plans to cultivate bananas and citrus fruits around Scoresby Sound might be in direct conflict with the resettlement.

US Tracking Hummus Leader

(Gaza Strip) Radical Islamic cleric Mohammed ala-Chickpea has apparently abandoned his longtime stronghold near Khan Yunis and is on the run according to teams of counter-espionage agents who have been hunting for him since December. Although it’s not clear whether he is actually a Hummus leader or simply another attempt to divert agents from the real power in the region is still not clear.

US agents, who deny being in Palestine, say they simply want to have lunch with Chickpea before turning him over to the Israelis for questioning. The cleric reportedly commands the attention of some 100,000 followers in Gaza alone. He is acknowledged as a gifted chef whose cooking show ran an unprecedented three seasons on Arab networks throughout the world. He counted many Israelis in his viewing audience before suicide bombings, bulldozers and assassinations grabbed the headlines and canceled his cooking program early last year.

“Read it while you drive!”

Hocus Pocus Horoscope

Under the cover of darkness, with a nod to the new agers, General Horseshoe takes no crap from pompous heavenly bodies as he rushes into the backfield of the universe sacking lesser planets, rejecting logic in favor of good farm sense. Please remember…In outer space we are all dysfunctional For a realigned version of your stellar status send $20 to the Parvenu Sisters, 67 Post Hole Terrace, Light Brigade. Have a wonderful eternity.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Although you generally say the right thing, it is usually to the wrong person. Build a better mousetrap and you’ll be stuck with rodent tailings. Then someone will jack up the price of cheese. Is your head half full or half empty? The days are getting brighter but your attention span is bogged down in darkness. Visit a shut-in this week. That should be easy as most of your close relatives are incarcerated and established visiting hours should be easy to coordinate. Culinary talents will be evident after the can opener surfaces. Sticking your neck out will not amuse the hangman. Tonight: Draw the grapes.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Avoid delegating responsibilities since there is no one below you anyway. Wash your hands before and after using solid judgment. Pets may express disapproval of new wallpaper. Complete all hangovers. If nasal passages are closed, try using those new nose chains and the sandbags. You may be slow with a dull mind but at least it’s easier to keep a secret. If you want a continental breakfast, stay off islands. Jumping out of airplanes is fine just so long as they have left the ground. The turnip cart is safer but don’t expect a large audience. Never rent a house to transient dog handlers. Tonight: Security guards won’t help much..

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Romance is in the air but so are the Canadian geese. Your social life could become less than social. At what point does it become overindulgent? If a catnap is a short nap, what is eternal snoring? C’mon. Tell it like it may be, hurt or not. Everyone’s a critic except you. It is physically impossible to slow down your pace, so speed up your opinions. You’re not currently under the gun or even in the limelight but if you keep slamming bourbons you’re gonna be in the fruit bowl. Take heart: Someday it will be possible to fax Chinese food directly to your home. Dreams really can come true. I know that it’s true if you’re young at heart. Blame it on the gov’ment. Polka tonight.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Vacating your Third House will probably help property values in the neighborhood. If all the other athletes are wearing cups don’t try to pass it off in a top hat. Be anyone but yourself. Avoid dredging up old arguments unless you have the equipment. All play action should key off the left tackle. Otherwise just throw the bomb. A potential lover doesn’t care how much money you make, for the night anyway. You may be lucky at love but you’re unlucky at fiscal matters. Plan on being broke. Your mate may be a bit more outspoken this month. Backhand them. Work occupies your mind like licking stamps in a gymnasium. Keep a fresh box of crayons near the bed so as to dream in full color. Tonight: A sensible, healthy dinner includes corn dogs.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Nuke the Moonies…Moon the Nukies! You can’t change the world but you could change your underwear. Surprise your creditors by rising before noon. If you really want to be proper: One throws up jello but always tosses his cookies. Hospital food is in your future. Accept monetary advice only after a down payment. Is it kinky to read other people’s horoscopes in bed? It’s easier to be a breadwinner than a bread loser. You may atomically find yourself a major player in other people’s problems simply by your presence. Tonight: Don’t play on the stairs.

LEO (July 23 – August 22

Go common. Someone else in the pride will come forth and grab the reins. Keep the heavy loads on the gentle cycle. You’ll never improve your IQ by memorizing your bowling handicap. Beware of whiskered men carrying firearms. Haste makes waste does not always apply in a one-bath home. Do something nice for the livestock Tuesday. When field dressing never try to match stripes and polka dots. To avoid getting out of bed on the wrong side try pushing it up against the wall. Abilities to impress fresh water crustaceans will net you no more than a seasoned income. Tonight: Tinker.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering your departure point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay. Better stock up on toilet paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things, you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Tonight: Turn down the volume.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s not worth your bad breath to fight over money. Fight over religion and politics instead. Morning is the right time to begin thinking about your future more seriously since it may well arrive this afternoon. Keep plans vague and the fog lights on dim. A pet is bored and may seek other dwellings. Family members will overcome desire to graze. Leave travel plans open-ended by staying home in front of the radio. Get a second opinion on metaphysical matters. Tonight: Ask your doctor.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Jardin, Colombia. Spectacular Andean town like Ouray, winter home for star gazers and rum & coffee aficionados.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife will assume new meaning this month. You cannot impress influential people today. At the moment your either your fly is down or you’re compatible with the Ox or the Monkey. A lazy afternoon could generate a late evening. Experiment with invisibility. Hang in there, busters and betties; many habitual nose pickers have nice cars. Water polling is not a good idea this week. Drug lords may have designs on your medicine cabinet through the weekend. Tonight: Sift through the neighbor’s garbage.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Small children may be hostile during late afternoon ice cream excursions. Travelling this month? Coach is reserved for peasants and accountants. Live it up, but keep a little change for a phone call. You could count on your charm if you had any. Looking back would turn lesser man to salt. You may score a few social points but a romantic victory is still a dozen roses away. Stop throwing good money after bad, unless it’s someone else’s loot. Prepare for an early morning challenge: making it from the bed to the bathroom. Tonight: Home improvements will not help exterior inferiority.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Hold off on that second career until you earn a paycheck from the first one. An attractive love interest will come out and meet you. Don’t get your hopes up. He/she only forgot to put out the trash the night before. Handle routine with alacrity. Use logic when planning landmark tattoo architecture. The Libran qualities of tact and courtesy will emerge today. Unfortunately you are a Capricorn (see above). Attempts to inspire your fellow man with acts of love and kindness could result in a messy fistfight. Stay rude and reach true enlightenment. Tonight: Vacuum the cat.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

A romantic interlude will sputter, stagger, limp, crash and burn right before your eyes. Get up, dust yourself off and try again. Eventually someone will get tired of your advances and agree to hang out. Confusion reigns…Keep your head down and bend your knees. Uncanny abilities to speak pigeon Algonquin through a soda straw could save you some embarrassment in an angry dawn. A secret love will add a spoonful of cayenne to your otherwise parboiled weekend. Oops! It looks like it’s time to focus on personal hygiene again. Tonight: It’s gonna be dark.

—Apologies—

We will survive the three-pronged embarrassment suffered by our poorly inoculated editorial staff forcibly escorted out of the Fortune 500 Fish Fry held at the Elves Club last Friday.

*****

Seems Like Decades Ago

POT `SMOKED’ IN KAMPUCHEA

(Phnom Penh) Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot appears to have been flushed out of his northern jungle redoubt and is presumed dead according to official government releases of late. Often reliable sources, including several within the former his guerrilla party, say that Pot has met his maker.

According to an exclusive story in the prestigious Singapore Sling, “Amid tiny, Stone Age tribes in the jungle along the Dangrek Mountains (Pol) Pot has been smoked. The longtime Communist leader, and standout in the fields of outdoor survival, urban planning and ethnic house cleaning, has not been seen for weeks and refused to return our texts.”

The curious death of Pot has created a serious political void in the fragile balance that has existed since the Vietnamese pulled out of Cambodia in 1985. A spokesman for the Phnom Penh downtown business district says tourism is down 50% due to machine gun fire and mortar attacks that are becoming more prevalent by the hour.

“We never thought we’d miss old Pot but at least when he was running around the jungle it kept all the government troops busy,” said the business source. “Now all the factions that were chasing him are shooting at each other. There are lots of old scores to settle.”

U.S. Marines, rushed to the Thailand border Friday will not land in the capital to evacuate American personnel, remain on alert even though there are none of their countrymen officially in Kampuchea. Instead of dropping out of planes over Phnom Penh Airport the marines will most likely spend their week long tour monitoring the singles scene in Bangkok.

On my hope of heaven, you can rest assured that the above copy has been throroughly researched, qualified and distilled at least four times right in front of the olives, cocktail onions, those silly little umbrellas and crushed ice.

From a popular cross-section one might even think that…but au contraire, the world is still here outside my flowered veranda this morning. Everything is just as I left it when I ran out of vermouth last night. Aren’t those are the same mule deer that visited yesterday. Why do thry stare at me through my windows? What do they really want? How far are they willing to go to get it?

Where were you the day the alien space ships

first arrived in Grand Junction?

Durango – Silverton Narrow Gauge Train

One Too Many Cowboy Poets

A cowboy poet in dungless

pointy-toes had little to say

but he talked like a real

cowpuncher might talk.

With a twang and a drooped mustache,

every roundup under a big ol’ Stetson,

the drugstore smell of alfalfa

from a Ralph Lauren catalogue

his monogrammed chaps

bull riding in his dreams.

Just listen as my clever rhymes surrender,

stampede like wild buffalo

unaware that they are bison.

Backed up to spurs from Mars

or some such milky way locale

too far from the workday corral

to be a serious contender.

North Main Street, Gunnison, Colorado in 1897

And the cows think it’s all so very funny

often forgetting

that they are the leather

that holds it all together.

– Kevin Haley

“Take a letter to Hitler.” – Joseph Stalin as said to his Commissar for Foreign Affairs, Vyacheslav Molotov, at the onset of Operation Barbarossa, June 22, 1941 when, despite a non-aggression pact, over a million German soldiers invaded the Soviet Union.

School Lunch Menu

Winter Session, 2026

Monday:

Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed

Jerusalem Artichoke Soup

Lobster Cocktail with Pesto

Veal with Blackberry Sauce

Onion Risotto

Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets

Taylor Fladgate (15 year)

Tuesday

Tapas Plate

Roasted Kumamoto Oysters

Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge

Peruvian Potatoes Puree

Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple

Bannanac Cheesecake

Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)

Wednesday

Beetroot salad

Young leeks

Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry

Braised parsnips

Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice

Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours

Martel Cordon Bleu

Thursday

Escargot Pot de Crème

Carpaccio of Cauliflower

Langoustine Ravioli

Skate Cheeks Tempura

Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds

Clotted Cream Éclairs

Flaming Brandy Punch

Friday

Ahi Tuna Nicosian Salad

Pomme Frites with Truffle

Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton

Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise

Tomato Fondue

Chocolate Sorbet

Remy Martin XO

Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo

MILD WEST QUIZ

1. How many Western Slopers does it take to dehorn a heifer?

a.) One to hold the cow and three to turn the horns.

b.) Three. Two to hold the heifer and four to do the math

c.) None. A heifer sheds her horns every Fourth of July.

2. Why are Colorado towns so far apart?

a.) To keep the sheep out of the corn.

b.) To prevent impulse fist fights between entire communities on Friday nights.

c.) Compared to what?

3. What do you suppose the Colorado Rockies will do with the millions they made this year?

a.) Rebuild Greeley.

b.) Buy washed up pitchers.

c.) Fill chuckholes on Blake Street.

d.) Maintain the status quo

4.) Why does Colorado lie between the 40th Parallel and 36th Parallel?

a.) It’s a a lot better than standing at attention between the 12th Parallel and the 89th Parallel.

b.) Because that’s where the ski areas are located

c.) So as to prevent an invasion of the Wyoming by New Mexican militias.

5.) If a sign in Ridgway reads: “Montrose – 26 miles” and a sign in Montrose says “Ridgway – 28 miles” where are the missing two miles?

a.) At the bottom of Ridgway Reservoir wearing a pair of cement overshoes.

b.) Blame it on the Bossa Nova.

c.) Due to the oblique, semi-contiguous angle of the Colona Bulge it actually is two miles longer going south.

6.) Why didn’t the Ute Indians have house plants before the white man?

a.) They were notorious over-waterers.

b.) Macrame hadn’t been invented yet.

c.) There are no windows in tipis

7.) How many assault rifles are there on the Western Slope?

a.) Counting Sylvestor Stallone movies?

b.) Just take the number of prairie dogs and multiply by 3.

c.) What’s it to you! Are you with the ATF?

8.) Why did the long-running San Juan Horseshoe newspaper insist on publishing all year long when it is common knowledge that people don’t start as many fires in the winter?

a.) They are great fish wrappers.

b.) They are great in the litter box.

c.) They kill flies and mosquitos on contact.

9.) Who besides you has bothered to read this far along?

a.) People who live in glass outhouses.

b.) The police.

c.) The advertisers.

d.) None of the above.

10.) What was the last South Townsend Avenue boot shop to be operated by a Ute Indian?

a.) Chief Jack’s Boots and Waders.

b.) The Spot.

c.) Mighty Moe’s Montrose Moccasin Mecca.

11.) What does the term “dogie” mean to you personally?

a.) What? More heifer jokes?

b.) A person who can’t handle a butter knife without bloodshed.

c.) You mean that one “in the window”.

12.) What is a telemark?

a.) A fashionable mole popular in the Roaring Twenties.

b.) Someone who’s sucked in by a phone solicitation.

c.) A three-winged nut used in the construction of deer fence.

13.) Complete the following: “If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t ____.”

a.) A cowboy.

b.) A-gonna need the hat.

c.) shit.

14.) Who was Dutch Charlie?

a.) The bastard son of Flemish Charley’s third wife, Thelma Victoria.

b.) Inventor of the cast iron biscuit.

c.) A sultry cross-dressing flag girl on the Blue Creek Canyon project.

15.) Why are there so many real estate offices in Colorado?

a.) Because everybody can’t cook.

b.) Because everybody can’t bartend.

c.) Send for a free brochure.

16.) How did all the hot springs get hot?

a.) Geothermal intercourse.

b.) What’s the damn difference?

c.) Only your hairdresser knows for sure.

-Srs. Bauxite and Balderstern

ANSWERS TO QUIZ

1.-b, 2-b, 3-c, 4-a, 5-a, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-b, 10-b, 11-c, 12-b, 13-b, 14-c, 15-b, 16-c, 17-a, 18-b, 19-c, 20-c, 21-b. Give yourself 5 points for each correct answer and 4 points for every incorrect answer. Add your number of points and divide by 32 anyway.

Bonus overtures

*Is it better to say a Uruguayan or an Uruguayan?

*Can one bring his guns into heaven?

Grammar Lesson #611

Colonel Sanders May Have Harbored Slaves prior to Vicksburg

a.) Might have b.) could have had c.) would have had (Choose one)

Voting booth truth:

Why did you vote the way you voted?

a. Grandpa voted this way

b. “I’m against socialism in all forms. My Social Security check arrives today. Let’s go to town.”

c “If I vote for Democrats we’ll all be living in Red China

d. “The Republicans better represent wealthy liars like me.”

Surprise Essay Question: What is journalistic hyperbole?

Which reference is more creditable?

a. according to undisclosed sources close to the investigation

b. according to persons familiar with these undertakings

c. according to multiple reports

d. along the lines of an already decoded manuscript

A bamboozler is

a a cinch to hold and carry lengths of bamboo

b a Southeast Asian cocktail

c a shyster

d someone who harvests bamboo on a juniper plantation

Are you really an American? Then how many of these questions can you answer correctly.

1. To what does Tagalog refer

2. What do Cuba, Hawaii, The Philippines, California and Puerto Rico have in common?

3. What is the “best country in the world”?

In what language was the New Testament written?

a. American b. French c. Arabic d. Greek e. Italian

What is a Fandango?

What is the difference between Impetuousness and perfidious?

True or False?

The King James Bible was the most popular read of the Scots-Irish on the mountain frontier of the United States not because it was the most interesting or entertaining but because it was usually the only book they had in their homes.

Very few strip mall churches existed in Bethlehem at the time of King Herod.

Bonus Knowledge Test #611: Define dowager, peacock envy, schadenfreude

Colona County Line

The line itself gets a little blurry around here this time of the year with the colors changed back to winter mode and the politicians staying the red or blue. In fact there’s been quite a bit of repetition of late…I swear I saw that same Bronco game last September that I watched Sunday afternoon and the third cutting of hay looks a lot like the first. It all seems melancholy enough in the fall and then somebody turns out the lights at 6:30 instead of 9:30. Who takes responsibility for that? Nobody.

Despite these distractions we will persevere, since the other choice is stagnation, that is more appropriate for January. Sure, we’ve all sought help through mainstream support groups but The Power Of Now will not run a chain saw or charge my cell phone. And losing 50 pounds before Christma will not keep the Yuletide boogieman from hiding in that dark closet or under the bed at night. As much as we hate to drag reality into this formula: slapping a white pearly toothpaste smile on one’s mug will not create instant happiness. However, turning off your TV will increase your IQ substantially.

Colona, Colorado

Earlier this month Ridgway held its first ever Grit Days, which, according to chamber members from Southern California, was quite a success even though the promised return of John Wayne didn’t quite materialize. Many residents of Colona made the dangerous drive (Highway 550) into Ridgway to take part in the festivities, and to meet John Wayne again, despite the fact that the World Series of Towing was held the same weekend over on Telluride. We hope the organizers of Grit Days will hold the event each year in September. Maybe John will make back someday. Maybe they could get Gabby Hayes to stand in until that time.

According to the web page at the Utah based Friends of Arachnids, Colorado is still the spider capital of North America narrowly edging out Salento, Colombia in the eighth leg of the competition. According to the study some 562,992-spider sightings were recorded in Colorado while Salento reported seeing only about 300,000 spiders. One proud Billy Creek entomologist said it best: “We may not have fleas, or poisonous snakes or chiggers or vampire bats, but we damn sure have spiders and moose.”

Engineer PassI

It just isn’t easy living out this far, in Colona. If I’ve heard that once, I’ve heard it 100 times…but out far from what? Ridgway is only 15 miles while Montrose is but 10. These two communities offer anything a person could ever be told he needed or imagine needing. In fact these days these two pretender small towns offer a little too much for some of us. Colona is perfect unless one seriously needs to order a pizza, get a haircut, spend the night in jail, pick up The New York Times or mail a letter.

Hello. I’d like to order a pizza delivered to Colona. No way, Bozo.

All over the county things have returned to normal after another lucrative tourist season, with less stress on the sewage treatment facilities and fewer car alarms going off in the middle of the night. Here in Colona the chronic shortage of smaller size hats that has plagued the marketplace all summer is no longer critical due to the termination of summer season. The demand for the tiny hat sizes, this time in blaze orange, is expected to go up again come hunting season, and merchants here promise that they will be ready.

Oh, and by the by the World Series of Towing was won by Rahshan Larry Kleenex of No Name, Colorado with a perfect score of 112. Kleenex actually hauled 13 cars and 4 pickups to Cortez without the aid of anti-depressants. See you iin the funny papers.

Confront Range must return water

(Denver) The Fifth Circuit Quart has denied an appeal by the Denver Water Board, instructing that thirsty entity to return nearly 45,000 acre feet of Western Slope water to its rightful owners on the Sunnyside Slope.

The water, which the court has established was stolen over a 70-year period, is currently stored in four major reservoirs and monitored from as many municipal and county facilities. It is slated to be hauled back over the mountains starting in July, with the entire transfer set to be completed by September. This controversial ruling sets precedence for every water agreement adjudicated since 1830.

Using strong language to condemn the Front Range water pirates the presiding judge, Dorothy Salamander, called the decision a step toward justice in the long-fought water wars in Colorado.

“In Western Colorado most of the water is used to grow food and sustain the daily needs of small communities. In Front Range cities the seized water is used to make asphalt and concrete, wash streets, fill swimming pools and move sewage,” she said.

“Although technically the water grab was legal enough, the methods, contracts and principal players were always shady,” she explained to the court. “Plenty of people signing off the water decades ago did not own it and only wanted a fast buck. Fear tactics and promises of a wondrous return for the investment were dangled and the dirty deals went down.

According to records going back far beyond statehood, the original water was to be used to grow lettuce for the railroad and nothing else. Although it is difficult to determine whether any lettuce came up, it is quite clear that the water was knowingly diverted to a mad assortment of growth projects aimed at profits for the planners.

Places like South Park used to be green,” smiled Salamander, “before a sprawling Colorado Springs stole the water”.

Failure to adhere to the ruling could launch a brand new posthumous criminal investigation and is sure to open the door to stiff fines and hostile annexation of borderlands on the Great Divide. Populist groups in rural Western Colorado are currently examining the application of eminent domain in dealings with privately held, non-essential water sources.

“That’s not going to happen,” said one Jefferson County official. We lost this battle but we have yet to lose the war. But for now we’re accumulating a very impressive fleet of water trucks.

– Small Mouth Bess

Limestone Soup

Dog-friendly fireworks all winter in Boulder. Low audio, muted explosions of color guaranteed not to upset canines, fish or livestock. Free tickets to CU football for first 10,000 through the gate at Folsom Field in 2026. Show begins at dark.

Clean up technician needed for Stick Horse Rodeo and assorted events in Lake City next summer. Apply before August 10. No dopers. Must have own transportation or a small fishing boat.

Lost your touch? We are now accepting new students for summer seminars. Get back in the swing today! Don’t back down. National Fly Swatters Association. Buzzin’ cousin go away.

Now you can live at Wal-Mart – one and two bedroom condos to lease. Turn over your social security checks! Exclusive benefits. First on sales. Shop in your bathrobe most mornings, pre-screen new Chinese items. Win a trip to Branson in 2027. See details in store.

Need: subcontractor with about 2000 wicker baskets to change society. Seasonal work. Contact Guillotine the Lobbyists, The Lost City 20001. Not affiliated with Guillotine the Congress Ltd. of Baltimore.

Wanted: Bullet-proof cowpunchers for lightning experiments in San Juans. Daily wages, insufficient insurance, food allowance. Send particulars to Light Up My Life Productions, Ophir.

Final Warning: Anyone caught with a Christmas tree still up after March 1 will be punished – E. Scrooge, Dogbreath Village.

MEL’S MEATS is looking for a responsible cleaning person for busy slaughterhouse operation. The job is quite easy since Mel’s Meats has no windows or stairs. We are part of the “new jobs” hierarchy and pay minimum wage with scant benefits. We have no maternity leave or daycare either. Vegetarian preferred. Come around to the back door before noon weekdays. No Communists.

Going out of business sale now in progress at the Ottoman Empire Wholesale Furniture Outlet in Wimpton. Don’t miss such great deals as the Caspian Sea lounger, Baku nomadic curtains, Bosnian end tables plus an assortment of displaced tribes and Gypsy book cases. I-25 at the Abyss Turnoff.

Hemlock’s Liver cleaner $9.99 while supplies last at The Plague Wines and Minerals.

Will purchase Ramblin’ Jack Elliot instrumentals for market price. Call Ramblin’ Jack Elliot at Talagi’s in Boulder.

Get your very own Akpatok Mink Coat before the species is totally extinct! That’s correct! A beautiful Akpatok Mink from the shores of Ungava Bay. $6500 plus postage. Also baby seal serapes, gorilla hand ash trays, ivory cigarette holders and more. Scum Importers, Cape Chidley, Newfoundland. “Where Western European traditions are alive”.

Write off your daily constitutional as a business expense? It’s easy with ABC Accounting. Dial 4.

Confederate Naval Operations seeks admiral. Former Merchant Marine personnel need not apply. Write Jefferson Davis Trust in Mississippi and receive free of charge: How I captured the entire Yankee army on my Natchez sleeping porch in 1862.

Ear lobe removal without painless surgery. Physicians Golf and Tennis Club, St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital.

Are Red’s Gravy Heaven Fish Sticks really that good? – Find out for yourself every third Tuesday

I love to stand up in moving craft. Wanted: Awkward, fat woman with nice boat. Self-worth not important. Sandwich making ability important. Mack the Hack, Sapinero.

Notable June, 2026 Migrations: Ducks (June 13 – 19), marmots (June 12), Eels (date unknown), politicians (365 days) cantaloupes (June 30 – July 5), cattle (June 27 – 30), black helicopters (unmarked), tourists (June 12 – August 31). Source: Federal Observatory.

Make money drawing perverted cartoons for the federal government. Send example of your work to the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution, c/o Congressional Page Lounge, Washington, DC.

Learn meat cutting at home in your spare time. Send $425 for 1/2 side of beef. Slightly more for organic. Blades Meat Cutting Institute, Toledo, Ohio.

Disenchanted public servants! Get a leg up on a new career with your local Sicilian Barber School. We are looking for the right kind of man or woman to join our growing family. Positions include utility enforcement, intimidation clerk, bag personnel, numbers engineer. We have a great working environment and the perfect retirement package. See Armando under the Tomichi Street Viaduct or Sal in front of the Lake City Post Office any day at noon. Wear a red carnation and whistle your favorite Sinatra tune. We will initiate primary contact. Why bog down in a career where you are not appreciated. Do it today.

Are you easily persuaded by religious ranting and raving? Do you like to be told how to live? Is the rumor of the hereafter more important than your current treatment of your fellow man on earth? Do you fear anyone with new ideas? We can use a few, good moralizing Americans to help us gain control of this country and turn it into the oligarchy that our forefathers intended it to be. Send for more information today. Coloradans for Family Values, Oliver Cromwell Building, Evergreen, CO.

Drug Lord Appliances from $50! These nearly new washers, dryers, microwaves and more. Were confiscated from suspected drug lords in Florida and Texas. Some rust and avocado. Also seized refrigerators, freezers, swarthy futons, anarchistic toasters, revolutionary ranges and subversive air conditioners. January Special: Cartel Dishwasher: $45. See at Zero Tolerance Appliances. We’re winning the War on Drugs. You’ll see.

Bad Cowboy Poets always in demand at the Fern Chuckwagon. Call Slim.

HEREFORD-POODLE MIX PUPS. Should be excellent cow dogs. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon.

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Results of Survey

We asked our readers which story from the most recent posts was most meaningful in terms of sociological impact and overall benefit to the community. When the results poured in many aspects of our efforts were still quite unclear. Nonetheless 51% of the respondents said the story about Bart the Magic Cow Learns to Drive was most socially redeeming while another 22% said they enjoyed the piece entitled Broncos Offer to Pay For New Stadium, Saving Taxpayers Millions. Rounding out the action we saw that 8% liked the Manana city council potato salad recipe best and 3% thought the story on JD Vance in the National Guard was tops. Of no surprise to our veteran editorial staff a vocal, though, significant percentage of our readers (16%) felt that the press release on common foot disorders had the most impact and was easily the most educational. We list this statistic last because, in truth, we didn’t write it. Thanks to all who responded.

(Editor’s note: The Boyhood of Donald Trump story did not finish well due in part to a fact check unveiling countless lies and factual manipulations that even satire cannot mask.)