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CANADA OFFERS TO SHARE THANKSGIVING

(Badger, MN) In a gesture to the Biden Administration, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has offered to lend its neighbors to the south Canadian Thanksgiving in 2022. 

That holiday, which is celebrated on October 11 up north, is pretty close to the American version especially if one substitutes poutine for nachos, hockey for football or a Caesar for a Bloody Mary. 

“The country got screwed out of the only holiday that is real anymore, the only one that isn’t hyped out of its red holiday suspenders,” said a statement from Ottawa. “We simply want to give them some options for the coming year.”

Both countries expressed hope that the virus would no longer be an issue by next fall and that the US could again make use of its own longstanding day of thanks.

Many here expressed gratitude saying that they did feel robbed of a joyous Thanksgiving last year. Some insist that establishing a surrogate date lends stability in a world of black and white surprises on both sides of the border. Others think the matter is completely absurd.

Traditional feasting, watching football, tending the fire and dreaming about the coming holidays are not the heart of the celebration. It is the warmth of family that we crave. This year many people have been absent with gatherings cancelled due to virus concerns.

Some ignore precautions and continue to fight over drumsticks and mask wearing while others rely on vaccines and the government to save us. 

It was not clear if Washington would offer The Commonwealth any of its holidays on loan in 2021. Non-franchise “festival dates” such as Colombus Day, sold to Italy in 2019, and April Fool’s Day, scuttled by lies and mistruths, are no longer on the butcher block. Religious observations were not part of the conversation at the time of this writing.

– Fred Zeppelin

WYOMING ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT

(Casper) The Commonwealth of Wyoming will retire from public service effective June of 2022 it was disclosed today. Wyoming, known as the Equality State to close friends, became associated with  United States in 1890. During that extended tenure Wyoming functioned in a host of capacities generally associated with mining, logging and ranching.

Instrumental in the establishment of several national parks and monuments the state saw the nation’s first woman governor, Nellie Taylor Ross (1925); the discovery of petroleum in the Wind River Range and the origins of Cheyenne Frontier Days, the nation’s longest running rodeo.

Although it will relinquish its’ commonwealth status, Wyoming will remain on the state payroll as a consultant and will appear as a dignitary at state affairs on a limited basis. The rest of the time the state will spend fishing, hunting and catching up on favorite movies from its longtime summer home in Eureka, Montana.

An honorarium is slated for next spring at Gillette, the state’s official cultural hub, where a gold watch and chain will be presented by an adoring public. Later in the year an official portrait, composed by a group of bad western artists from Cody, will be unveiled.

No replacement has been named as of press time and applications for the position are still being accepted. Requirements include wind, diverse topography, water and U.S. citizenship.

– Small Mouth Bess

Toole Defects to Bruins

(Ridgway) Astrodynamic editor Manfred “Waterworks” O’Toole, has fled the coop, apparently preferring the company of bears to that of his fellow humans. According to a note left on his computer earlier in the week the noted scribe had “had enough” and was going to the woods “in search of some answers”.

According to a longtime co-worker O’Toole always had a thing for bears.

“He used to feed them and liked to photograph them when they weren’t looking,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, a blind proofreader employed by the San Juan Tattoo and Tofu, a publication that included  O’Toole on its payroll roster. “Some of us thought it was odd that he lived on berries and apples and liked to bury his meat, sometimes for up to a month, before consumption.”

An accomplished caver, “O’Toole claims to have explored over 400 caves in Western Colorado and New Mexico. He had begun growing out his coat in 2015 seemingly protesting the use of rubber bullets and tagging of bruins. In 2017, when more and more bears were being destroyed for their garbage raiding incursions into local towns O’Toole became a virtual recluse, rarely venturing forth from his den, located between Elk Meadows and Lake Otonawanda on Miller Mesa.

“He clearly saw the bears as the good guys and the encroaching humans as the aggressors,” said Marmotbreath. “Some people may brand him a traitor to his species but most of us around here just think he’s loco.”

According to former reporters at the paper O’Toole has experienced short-term memory loss since 1965, often not recalling simple daily routines and unable to find his car or typewriter. Sometimes he even went out into the wilderness looking for bear when even a simpleton would know that they were in town eating garbage.

“One time he wrote a scourging piece accusing the DOW of murdering all of the bears only to realize that they were safely hibernating in their caves,” said a former reporter, turned beekeeper. “We were continually coming up short here at our operation and thought maybe O’Toole was swiping raw honey for his friends in the forest. Why else would he have developed such an intense interest in what we were doing? He was hanging around all the time, asking questions and taking notes.”

Although O’Toole has done nothing illegal he has been quickly ostracized from certain segments of society such as the hoity-toity Polar Bear Lodge and the Disappointment Valley Optimists Club, an organization that he founded in 1952.

“He doesn’t seem to give a damn about anything human,” said an old friend and naturalist Suzie Compost, who is contemplating spending next summer living with Japanese Snow Monkeys (Macaques) in the Kitami Mountains.

O’Toole, who put on some 100 pounds since August, will not be harmed by authorities unless he becomes a nuisance. 

Meanwhile local wildlife experts say that calculations “were a bit premature” regarding claims that well publicized bear diversion projects had been a rousing success so far this winter. 

“We didn’t account for the fact that the bear were engaged in serious hibernation and therefore were not coming to town like in the fall,” said several biologists.

– Fred Zeppelin 

Turkeys Off Radar

(El Lay) The nation’s turkey population appear to have retreated underground, joining remnants of elk and several hundred defiant Snickers candy bars. These two groups remain in hiding even though the dangerous fall seasons have concluded.

Hunting season and Halloween, while popular with people is often stressful and detrimental for herd and chocolate victims. Thanksgiving, one dimensional and aimed right smack at foolish birds with a few hams thrown in, is clearly genocide according to poultry rights groups here.

Meanwhile Tom Avenue is empty and generally off the grid and the vibrant turkey lounges on Giblet Alley are now dark and quiet.

Local liberals, guilty over the treatment of all three groups have attempted to coax the candy bars and elk from their redoubts but with limited success. 

On a high note, Hibernation ’21 has been heralded a “breakthrough success” by the local chamber of commerce and several church groups that often pass the hat at dusk.

-Fred Zeppelin

Uncompahgre To Run South in November

(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 1990.

The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until 2022.

“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but what do the people do in the winter?”

The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.

“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”

– Uncle Pahgre 

MANY YEARS AGO

Martian Amoebas Could Shift Vote Says Prof

(Aspen-Wilsonall Center) A political science professor at Adams State College told some men in the bar yesterday that if the Martian amoebas could have voted, Bob Dole would have been elected in 1996. The existence of the amoebas, recently discovered in someone’s dirty laundry chute, suggests that there was life on Mars at one time and that the Rockies would win the World Series in 2032.

“It’s that last part, you know…the impossible part…that stacks up well for antediluvian candidate, Mr. Dole,” said Dr. Orem Silt, a man of tenure and tenacity. “Imagine a million or so tiny amoebas elbowing their way into the ballot booth in a given November. Hell, that group could even sway an election in Mexico or El Salvador! Just look at the Evangelicals.”

Planet Gunnison Night Club Ready To Go

(Ohio City) It whispers sensuality all the way from its lace-trimmed windows to its bawdy, swinging door. It’s Gunnison’s newest night spot and it’s located in Ohio City! The 24-hour restaurant/lounge opened this morning to rave reviews from the local papers and revelers alike.

Although details are sketchy, The Horseshoe has learned that the club is located just off Quartz Creek along Forest Service Road 771. More specific directions are available thoughtlessly nailed to trees just north of the Gold Link Mine. Party animals are reminded that if they turn off at Comanche Gulch they haven’t come far enough and if they turn at the Mill Lake Trail they are violating over 320 Inferior Department rules regarding wilderness access and a slew of controversial highway beautification efforts

Just moments ago the proprietors confirmed rumors that they would be giving away warm beer through Christmas and that all sandwiches served in the establishment would include bread and an indigenous garnish.

Pancake Boy Quits School

(Ute Hall) The ever-popular Pancake Boy of Western State has reportedly decided to quit school in his senior year to take a position at the local Wal-Mart store. The Boy, who played out his eligibility at the former J.C. Penney’s, will receive a personalized smock and a small signing bonus, according to his student advisor, who was not identified.

Saying that they hated to lose the Pancake Boy and his tuition, one administrator wished him luck in the future.

“Without part of a silver dollar college education the Pancake Boy could have become just another waffling bum on the street,” offered Aunt Gemela, Director of Hot Skillets at WSC, “emerged in the pettiness of his own batter. I’d say more but somebody’s got to bring home the bacon around here, if you get my drift,” she chided. “This whole situation is getting very sticky as it is.”

The pancake boy was did not return our calls on Friday morning allegedly due to his chronic inability to use a smart phone.

SHORT TAKES…

A local woman, Belle Tool, has managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism in just two weeks. She will begin editing a local paper on Tuesday.

Much respected Canon City Chef, Bart Grease, formerly a trustee of the Colorado State Penal System, is resting quietly at the Alamo Clinic after getting his hair caught in a meat grinder yesterday at Taco Heaven, a noted campus hangout. Grease promised to wear a hair net in the future when operating heavy machinery.

Accumulative point averages are not politically correct and the system of grading will be abandoned immediately according to the Dean of the Hard To Find Auto Parts Department.

Most WSC students will be on television in September due to new secret observation apparatus already installed in most dormitories. The devices are frighteningly accurate and almost impossible to detect with the naked eye.

In closing the 2022 Mountaineer Dream Date Contest has been canceled since everyone is asleep.

– Peter Principal

Freshman Class “Not Pretty”

(Gunnison) The incoming class of 2024 is not the most attractive in recent memory according to sources in the Applied Cosmetics Department at Western State.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call the class ugly,” said one instructor who asked not to be identified, “but facially impaired is right on the money, you know with all that stuff about politically correct and all.”

The instructor went on to say that not all the kids were homely or plain-looking.

“There were a few diamonds in the rough and they know who they are,” she said. “Besides, the class, as a whole, is a hell of a lot smarter than the sophomores.”

The Western State Admissions and Subtractions has publicly apologized to the community and the rest of the student body for the state of affairs within the freshman class. One minor bureaucrat there suggested his department require current photographs of potential students with applications in the future.

 “We think that the crisis has passed,” said one campus security officer as I’ve explained the logistics to my troops and they’re aware of the situation.”

Western State Security Forces are known for their aggressive philosophies on the subject of peace and quiet. Already ammunition rations have been cut back. Meanwhile clocks remain stopped all over campus.

– Gabby Haze

Goldischlocks and the Three Bears

Continued from the Honey Abyss 

so that she was sitting directly across from Morgenstern, the largest of the bears, and Goldischlock’s most likely ally.

 “Just because my family owns thirteen homes doesn’t mean we’re insensitive to the homeless,” cried Goldischlocks feigning damaged feelings. “Besides, I just happened by your cute little cottage by mistake while I was out looking for a place to build another strip mall.”

“I don’t believe you, little girl,” chimed in Theodora, a bear with insight beyond her tender years. “I think all you people are the same.”

“Yeah,” said Babill, the baby bear. Let’s eat the bitch!”

“Hold on, Babill,” said Morgenstern. “Let’s not get carried away. The little girl must have earned the right to own all these wonderful houses, no?”

“Actually I managed to inherit most of my wealth although I did work as a camp counselor once when I was in high school,” said Goldischlocks.

 “See!” screamed Babill. “She’s just another charlatan plus she’s broken my favorite chair, eaten up all my dinner and messed up my bed.”

“I’m tired of your whining, you proletariat bruin,” sassed Goldischlocks. “Haven’t you ever heard of the divine right theory? It’s all tough skunk cabbage, sugar. You should have had the common sense to be born rich like I was or at least marry a million. It beats working and philosophizing about how things might have been.”

“That’s just about enough, you little twit,” said Theodora. “I think you had better be going before we change our minds and eat you for supper.”

“Don’t threaten me you foul smelling sow,” shot Goldischlocks. “I could have you and your whole entourage thrown out in the street tomorrow with just one phone call. If you don’t believe…”

And just later…

“Pass me a leg, will you, Morgenstern,” said Theodora.

“And I’d like another piece of white meat,” said Babill.

“There you are, baby bear. Enjoy,” said Morgenstern.

THE END