All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
How the Grinch Stole My Eagle
That Bogey man
That Bogey man
I do not like
that Bogey man.
Do you like doglegs
and sand?
I do not like them
Bogey man.
I do not like dog legs
and sand.
Would you like a shank
or slice?
Hit a tree
and pay the price?
I would not like a shank
or slice.
Hitting trees is not so nice.
I would not like them here or there
I would not like them anywhere
I would do not want a Mulligan
I would not need one, Bogey man.
Would you like them
in the rough
Would you like them
like a duff?
I do not like time in the rough
I do not like that kind of stuff
I want the ball to hit the green
I do not like the 3-putt scene
Would you putt it
with a wedge
Would you drive it
through a hedge?
I would not putt it with a wedge
I would not drive it through a hedge
I do not like the fairway span
I do not like you Bogey Man.
Would you, could your
short game lie
Would you leave a shot
pin high?
I would not hook
a short game lie
I would not leave a shot
pin high
I do not like your golfer scam
I do not like you Bogey Man
Would you like a bogey score?
Could you drive then just say “Fore!”
Would you land a back swing
chip
Would you like your chicken stick?
I do not want a back swing chip
I do not need a chicken stick.
Would you play out in the rain?
Could you drive without disdain?
I will not play out in the rain
Bogey Man you’re such a pain.
I do not like this Bogey score
I got a par on number four
A birdie would be so much fun
or better yet a hole in one.
– Kevin Haley
Personas que pasan el 12 % del día cargando dispositivos
(Torres de Omaha) Los seres humanos, obsesionados con los teléfonos celulares, las computadoras portátiles y las tabletas, están invirtiendo grandes porciones de su día en mantener las cosas cargadas. La robo-tarea ha aumentado dramáticamente con la adición de tecnología ampliada según los grupos de vigilancia.
Hay más de 550 compañías de telefonía celular solo aquí en Nebraska. Eso es treinta veces el número de ovejas y cuarenta veces mayor que el número de antílopes, la región menos que estimulante.
Además del tiempo promedio que dedican a la carga, pasan otros 4 minutos pensando en dónde cargar y otros 2,5 minutos pensando en lo que harán mientras se cargan sus dispositivos.
-Judy Sockett
Pregúntale al doctor Ed
Estimado Doctor Ed:
Estoy solo pero odio a la gente. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?
brígida
Estimada Bridget:
Consigue una planta.
Doctor Ed
DOW puts foot down on illicit chocolate moose farms
(Poughkeepsie Gulch) “They’re f—ing endangered. Doesn’t anyone care?” asked stern lexicons in the powerful canine sphere.
Apparently someone does. The Colorado Division of Wildlife today forcibly shut down over 45 chocolate mousse ranches and banned the practice until a formal inquest can be arranged for early in 2024.
Culinary stalwarts such as Soupcon, Palisades and Stone House have quickly complied, dropping the controversial and perishable delicacies from their chalkboards, leaving a few black marketeers peddling the wares in alleys and backstreets despite an increased presence of nutrition police and dietitians.
The mousse has been replaced with flan or complimentary dulce de leche in most cutting edge eateries.
Some months ago the story broke in the San Juan Horseshoe. The paper, recently in hot water with several other state agencies, called for the end of of what it called wildlife desserts.
“Those surreptitious scribes are just trying to avert negative attention,” said one mickey mousse chef, “by reporting on such digestive developments, and now we have the humane society on our arses,” she said.
The Horseshoe, now primarily a website, has been fined for overwatering press releases, attributing summary quotes to herd animals, systematizing the bullying of advertisers, and legitimizing trite, ignorant puns.
-Fred Zeppelin
“Lest we forget: Benito started as a journalist.” – Luigi Atonini
Shanghai Snubs Colona in Sister City Row
(Log Hill) The much-publicized Colona Sister City squabble has turned “nasty” according to sources up to their knees in the East Sea. Apparently the city of Shanghai wants out of the arrangement.
According to watchdogs there the Asian city will no longer honor the sister city status, seeking more glitzy partners. Already insiders point out warm overtures to Manila and Darwin. Last week a Shanghai delegation reportedly visited well-heeled Geneva and went dancing in Zona Rosa in Djibouti.
Meanwhile Colona, jilted for a more lucrative relationship, awaits promises of flowers and candy or “at least a phone call to say goodbye”.
Anyone wishing to adopt Colona as a sister city is encouraged to step up to the plate before irreparable psychological damage ensues leaving the town demoralized, shattered or at best simply unlucky in love once more.
-Fred Zeppelin
Hospital admits botched nose job
Schnozz Work Blown
(Mao Clinic) Physicians here have come clean on mysterious circumstances surrounding a host of cosmetic surgeries performed over the past month.
Rare admission of incompetence within the often taciturn medical community, seen as gods by the great unwashed.
It appears that several recent surgeries were poorly conducted and others have not ended well leaving patients in trauma and confusion. Several have reported facial ticks, headaches, nightmares and disorientation while more chronic cases project ugly artificial skin graphs and discarded or misplaced body parts.
One man says he was left with multiple noses where his ears should be.
“One fell into my soup the first night I was eating ,” he explained in tears.
Other patients echo similar complaints.
Through an abysmal apology the hospital hoped to save grace with the insurance companies who in turn attempted to save grace with Big Pharm. All of this while keeping things as light as possible, adding a tinge of humor.
“Many of our clients need mental evaluation before and after their procedure,” said the oft quoted Warren Heade, one of a rare breed of neurological-protologist at Mao.
“Hey, we all take in on the chin sometimes,” said a another department head.
– Martin Lockheed Esq.
in a related piece :
“Butt Lifts Often Backfire,” says defrocked surgeon.
Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts
(Flop Alley) Grocery cart abuse at the hands of street people has reached epidemic proportions here this winter, leaving authority figures perplexed as to what, if any, action can be taken to alleviate the problem. Despite strict warnings and heightened security in parking lots an average of 8 to 10 food buggies disappear each day in an assortment of cities across this country.
The carts are used for the transport and storage of all kinds of personal belongings, aluminum cans, blankets, tools, urban survival gear, rescued kittens and, yes, food items. To many of the wandering, desperate homeless people the carts are their world, their security and often even their identity. Stolen or simply borrowed indefinitely, they represent a sense of mobility to the disenfranchised but a breakdown of social order to the rest of us.
“These carts are not provided to be used in this way,” said a spokesperson for one of the nation’s giant food cartels. They are for the temporary convenience of our paying customers. They are private property and are not intended for any other use. Deployment of these carts for joy rides will not be tolerated!”
The spokesperson went on to say that he knew of one vagrant who had amassed over 35 grocery carts and had hidden them in an abandoned basement.
“She had about three she used for cruising and the others were apparently for parts. Two were nicely customized and one reflected primitive experiments with wind generated power.”
A gov’ment source was quick to echo the alarm.
“One can well mark the status of a society by how it takes care of its grocery carts,” stressed an agent from the Department of Final Affairs. “These rolling devices are provided through the kindness of the supermarket bosses. When one is stolen we all pay. Sadly, these barbaric people often misuse the carts, ruthlessly trashing the steering mechanisms beyond repair. Then they abandon the provender chariots in so many back alleys in so many bad neighborhoods.”
The homeless themselves admit that they substitute a wrecked cart with a new one whenever they pass by an unlighted parking lot of an inattentive grocery employee. Officials warn that if the present crisis is not resolved consumers may see rental fees and identity checks required for the use of the grocery carts.
Human rights groups say the homeless should not be held accountable in that the calorie carriage thefts are only a tragic symptom of a much larger disease…that of corporate greed, inadequate mental health services and an heavy-handed distribution of wealth. They add that if consumers would be more responsible, by using wheelbarrows or sleds to haul their loot, or balancing their groceries in a straw basket atop their heads, the problem would diminish overnight.
“I am so tired of listening to this liberal drivel,” said the Final Affairs source. “The Committee for Accidental Impartiality has undressed this issue countless times and found the homeless to be guilty of criminal trespass, pandering, conspiracy to deface, smuggling, sabotage, espionage, urban revolution, creating a nuisance, theft, and trafficking in stolen merchandise. Back in the good old days they punished cattle rustlers with the hangman’s noose. I think it’s high time we got tough on these law breakers too.”
Stopping short of connecting the homeless to international terrorism he said, “Just see how you or your sweet little grandmother feels when you get stuck with one of these lame, funky contraptions in a crowded produce aisle.”
One homeless man told us that although he was ashamed of staling carts it gave him something to do since he couldn’t find a job.
“It’s the thrill of the chase,’ he smiled. “It’s a challenge. I will be happy to repay the food brokers for their losses just as soon as I wake up rich,” he smiled, “or at least get a paycheck.”
− Kashmir Horseshoe
