RSSAll Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Chiva ride from Jardin to Rio Sucio, Antioquia, Colombia

Chiva ride from Jardin to Rio Sucio, Antioquia, Colombia

Three hour trip takes the traveler into the high country of the Andes. It is spectacular and is the only road south from the town of Jardin.

Zombie infrastructure in deplorable condition once again

(Denver) Authorities posing as consultants to the state’s growing zombie population confirmed today that scanty infrastructure ceded to that robotic sect was clearly in ruins.

Despite sparkling new amenities, exhumed last November, little is still functioning. What’s most unsettling is that the zombies, or undead corporeal revenants as they are defined, don’t appear to give a tinker’s damn. Advocates, themselves a shrinking group, agree that the half dead have always been less than attentive and often destructive when it comes to maintenance and application of basic necessities.

“They are motivated by one thing and one thing only,” said Paula Parvenu, a sociologist who ran out of other crusades in 2010. “Whatever that may be, they cannot be expected to act as legitimate and responsible beings.”

Others insist the zombies have had it too good.*

“They get everything and pay for nothing,” according to a former zombie litigator, “while others work for their fare. People here have had quite enough of this pampering. I myself can barely stand the sight of them.”

“Give a zombie a fish and he’ll stare at it,” added one self-proclaimed friend of the zombies from Adams County. “Give a zombie a fishing pole and he will stare at it,” he stressed.

A spokesperson for the living dead had no comment when asked to elaborate on undercurrents within the mythical group. She simply wandered off, muttering banal chiches, and following a likeminded procession of hellish proportions.

This is not a seasonal problem.– The government gave them new roads and bridges, new zombie outfits, zombie furniture, even tickets to Rockies-Dodgers games but it’s as if they are asleep, stupid, distracted or just don’t care.”

“They have another agenda,” said Parvenu, “and often keep to the woods, swimming streams wandering in large threatening packs. So why do we keep laying our morals on the poor beggars? I say leave them along, but keep a pitchfork handy just in case.”

While more and more people are acquiescing and jumping onto the zombie bandwagon a handful of the creepy sleepwalkers say they have been misunderstood for centuries. They say the majority of their number are responsible and lead normal lives within an oppressive society. They contend that sabotage by humans rather than laxness on the part of zombies is to blame for the destruction and loss of face.

“I’m a zombie and I vote,” quacked one.

If you are a zombie, or think you might be,  talk to your contemporaries. Be aware that many Coloradoans are tired of bailing you out. The chips are down and pitchfork sales are up.

*In addition to basic roads and bridges as well as reliable transportation and free energy, all of their zombie accessories, zombie toiletries and counseling services have been provided for them. State Democrats favor continuing this welfare while Republicans favor shooting them or deporting them to other Blue States.

– Suzie Compost

Culinary college resents feeder designation

(Crested Butte) Lawrence of Oregano Culinary Academy has filed a domestic libel suit claiming misrepresentation and reckless endangerment on the part of POX News and a bevy of subsidiaries. 

The academy, named for a popular restaurant located here in the early 70s, says the use of the term feeder is inappropriate and damaging to “a business image that has been evolving off the grid for over a decade.

“These talking Freds have referred to our school as a feeder institution for too long,” said head chef Susanne “Sous” Fry, recognized as the innovator of vertical food architecture, among a throng of other accolades.

“These hacks eat out of can. They wouldn’t last a lunch shift in the real world,” added Fry. “They’d burn the biscuits. They’d foul the flambe. They’d misspell the roux.”

She went on to question just exactly how or what her restaurant was feeding in that the college has been ranked in the top three foodie domains since its inception.

“Our students have already arrived, unlike the phonies at POX,” she said.

Attorneys for the academy expressed hope that the matter would be settled out of a quart rather than further bog down the ongoing county legal process.

“It’s a hot potato here, a real pressure cooker, especially at the height of ski season,” said Adolf Cromwell, of Parlin’s Cromwell, Calvin and Quisling group, currently representing the academy. 

“We are not looking for a pound of flesh, said Crowell. ”We seek a simple retraction and legal fees. We see no sense in egging anyone on.”

Kashmir Horseshoe

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Caves and Bunkers office to pick up the needed forms.

“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Bedwetter Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope.   

“This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

In addition to a small handling fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January. The cost of the class is $125.

“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled someone familiar with these kinds of things, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”

“Again with the Hunter Biden laptop! Give it a rest! You don’t hear anyone obsessing over the former president’s son’s laptop. And Eric’s got a good one — it’s made by Fisher-Price, and it can tell you what sound a cow makes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

Skates banned from Winter Olympics

(Flagstaff) Competition skates, ones with razor sharp edges for traction and durability, have been banned from future Winter Olympics competition, it was announced today. The potential weapons will be confiscated on-site and at border crossings all over the civilized world.

“If any skater attempts to smuggle skates into the state he/she will be prosecuted under one of our new terrorist acts,” said what appeared to be a rattled bureaucrat from down the hall. “We don’t feel the need to banish items like skis, due to size, or hockey sticks. It’s the skates that we’re concerned about.”

Just last night federal agents arrested three Eastern European skaters who looked suspicious.

“They seemed a bit too nervous when we frisked them and sent carry-ons back through the X-ray machine over and over again,” said one agent. “Then when we asked them to provide further proof of identity they really acted guilty.”

None of the three arrested could speak English but then again, neither could most of the security personnel on the scene.

It is hoped that the skaters will be released before the snow melts.

In a related piece air units attached to the War on Drugs accidentally attacked ground troops operating within the War on Terrorism. Fortunately War on Poverty bombers missed their targets and there were no reported injuries.

COLORADO SKI AREAS EYE AFGHANISTAN

(Kabul) It has mountains and lots of snow. It has an employment pool in place that is used to working for nothing. It offers better housing options than Telluride or Crested Butte. It’s close to European ski population and to evolving markets in Asia. It’s Afghanistan.

Already several ski interests have invested an initial sum of money for an marketing survey and ad campaign under the hype umbrella of “Afghanistan…Where you’ve always wanted to ski!”

According to executives at Vail the terrain, although bleak, cries out for development. Treeless slopes are prime for lifts and runs while now idle militants could be pressed into service as members of the ski patrol. 

“Talk about extreme,” said Melvin Toole, of Crested Butte. “Many of us never thought the sport would go over in Utah but good snow proved us wrong. We might not even have to make snow.”

Toole pointed to the existence of one airport in Kabul and the possibility of transforming air bases into mini airports specifically designed to handle large groups.

“Sure, we’ll pump millions into lifts and maintenance but think of the profits from condo sales,” cried Toole. “We’ve already started excavation near Mazur-i-Sharif in the north and down south at Kyber Pass. Several ski resorts in the Hindu Kush could be easily served from Kabul.”

Toole told reporters that already many merchants have expressed interest in getting in on the ground floor.

“You never know how much highgrade heroin can end up in your pie can after a shift,” winked one government source.

“Remember what a dump Steamboat Springs used to be before the ski area opened?” he chided. “Remember Aspen in the age of coal?”

Colorado Ski Country hopes to gain the blessing of leading mullahs in Afghanistan by offering them complimentary season passes and one-on-one instruction. 

“This country is perfect for skiing,” added Toole. “Turbans are warm, burkas cut the wind on the face and those cute little papooshes make great telemark boots.” 

-Tommy Middlefinger

Socialist candidate irons own shorts

(Crested Butte) When one is talking authentic grass roots lifestyles, it may be important. It may scream out that this candidate is the real thing in 21st Century politics. He claims to live and die for the workingman, to be the sentinel perched in the little person’s corner. Supporters say he’s a pit bull when it comes to defending the rights of forgotten groups and the disenfranchised.

     Now they say he irons his own underwear.

     After months of campaigning, the 5th District candidate for burgermeister Mario Hercules has come clean with reporters, telling them that he would never hire a fellow human to wash his clothes or clean his house, even if he were to be elected President.

     “I even have trouble letting other people drive me around on the bus or packing up my groceries,” he said.

     A vocal proponent of equal rights for all, Hercules supports a fledgling measure that would require all future candidates for town offices prove five-year residency before registering for any election.

     “We must stop this rampant student council/town council perception of town government,” he snapped. “What do new residents know of the issues facing us in northern Gunnison County?”

     Supporters admit that the shorts ironing rap is an attention getting albeit cheap campaign slogan but add that it’s true.

     “Can most members of the hard-pressed middle class afford to have their lawns mowed or their cars washed?

     “Mario has never taken advantage of the less fortunate, enslaving them in domestic duties,” said one starry-eyed party worker. “Why he even walks his own dog.”

      The worker was quick to remind voters that Hercules is focused on creating a more functional job market where everyone can thrive in a positive environment.

     “Critics that accuse him of anti-growth should chew on proposals calling for the nation’s first skier dome, the Bo Bowl and Casino and the completion of an expansion bridge to Irwin,” continued the campaign worker. “These are real jobs that pay real wages and don’t footnote reality by taking in laundry.”

     Hercules supports travel related industries such as food and lodging services, firewood sales and ski mountain personnel chores. Preaching a kinder socialism, one that is compatible with capitalism, he stands firmly in favor of government-subsidized lift tickets.

     “People are happier when they are skiing,” he smiled. “What better way to amalgamate a functional proletariat than by offering them healthy, affordable, green recreation so close to home? Let the bourgeois tourists pay full price!”

     Hercules is currently offering free rides on Elk Avenue (in his 1956 Chrysler New Yorker that he calls his “proletariat chariot”). He favors tax credits for people who ride bikes (rather than cars) around town and has promised to redistribute land to struggling marijuana farmers in the Snodgrass district.

     Local media have him leading the field by as much as 45% of the projected vote.

– Melvin Toole