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LEVITATIONAL PARKING PLANNED AT MT. CRESTED BUTTE

LEVITATIONAL PARKING PLANNED AT MT. CRESTED BUTTE

(Gothic) Organically crisp officials at the Crested Butte ski area may have found the solution to chronic parking problems here by way of India. Snow Guru International, a firm of freelance swamis from the nice part of Calcutta, claims the capability of successfully suspending automotive vehicles in thin air! The mystics will go to work next Thanksgiving weekend and continue to ply their gravitational trade until the ski area closes in April.

“We figure we have extended our top occupancy ceiling to about 500,000 cars per day considering predetermined air space and a desire to let the sun shine in,” said a marketing source who asked that she not be included in this story by name. “We don’t know how this applies to skier days or if it will work on heavy powder days.”

Parked car at Mount Crested Butte in early April. Proponents grudgingly admit there will be issues to iron out before next ski season

The source then went on to admit that she had no clue what skier days might be but was quite familiar with powder days.

Across the Elk Mountains, principals in Aspen have been conducting underground tests with levitation and suspension since September. They would not talk to our reporter despite a lot of whining. In Steamboat Springs excess vehicles and skier baggage will be stored on the James Brown Soul Center of the Universe Bridge and skiers will be hauled into town via open-air tuna boats.

Imagine skiing down Jokerville or Twister at Crested Butte and looking up at your car hanging high above the resort silhouetted against the winter sky! What a rush!

“Look mom! It’s our Explorer!”

Parking fees will fluctuate depending on the size and weight of the vehicle with out-of-state skiers getting a sizable break when they purchase a package. Old Volkswagens and beat up pickups (local vehicles) will not qualify for the uplifting since the area is concerned with its image and “does not seek to clutter the horizon with a bunch of decaying jalopies”.

In addition to the parking arrangements the Snow Guru International hopes to provide a top-drawer coat and hat check, bonded baby-sitting, a convenient lost and found and a pretentious cocktail lounge for people waiting for their vehicles to return to earth. 

To date there have been only a few accidents involving reentry and “not that many” people have been injured by falling cars to date. One such disaster was narrowly averted as a 3/4-ton GMC pickup was inadvertently dropped through the roof of what once was the Alpenhof Cabana, coming to a complete rest in a somewhat unoccupied men’s room.

The service is restricted to vehicles operated by persons with a valid ski pass. No AARP discount will be extended and motorists driving RVs are asked to leave the same in Almont.

“We’re really excited about this concept, said the secretive marketer. “Now a lot of the tourists will have something else to look at besides themselves parading around in their ski fashions all day. Heck, some might even get motivated and take a few runs or at least a lift ride or two.”

The Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Councils have tentatively approved the plan while BOZO is firmly against, and has always been firmly against, deterring from the laws of nature. Insiders suggest that if CBMR executives will only paint themselves a sweet and sour  Victorian purple everything will be alright over at BOZO.

Despite early support by other government agencies, consumers are privately urged to take Alpine Express or town bus up to the mountain until further tests are concluded.

-Barb Wire

Bake sale to preserve our traditions

(Montrose) A gala bake sale to save our traditions is slated for May 28 at Lion’s Park. Attending the gathering will be Martha Stewart, James Brown, Hugo Chavez, Miss Snow Princess 2005, Governor Bill Owens, and Senor Pepino, the Sage of Carnival. It is not clear whether the new Pope will make it in time as he has a flat tire on his throne. A replica of the Montrose Wal-Mart will be set ablaze along with several captured developers from Telluride. The sale runs from 8 am to 4 pm. A slide show follows. Look for us on the web at  www.goatropersneedlovetoo.com 

Anchor found at bottom of Irwin

(Crested Butte) A long forgotten television news anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted a national ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of interested onlookers from as far away as Lake City.

A phony smile plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.

Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Head, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since 1999. Although he did not survive the incident, his hair was still perfectly in place at the time of the recovery.

Head disappeared moments before 2022 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening. 

Link: And like Maurice Hearne so eloquently explains in Night Boat to Tangiers it was “as though he was laid out for the deadhouse.” (mortuary)

CB, Gunnison and Almont among best towns in county

(Gunnison) Crested Butte, Gunnison and Almont were among the top places to live in Gunnison County, a survey by the Reluctant Economist Review has found. The Boulder-based fiscal watchdog ranked 15 locales in terms of personal risk, infrastructure and the availability of goods and services.

The worse places were Pittsburgh, Baldwin and Jack’s Cabin where many aspects of daily life present challenges such as staying warm in winter and providing food. Since none of the above have detectable infrastructure, they took a beating in the scoring.

These locales are charming but they don’t cut it over the 365-day cycle,” said the RER. “There are no stores, no police and no real government in place to help these people. If a resident gets his car stuck in a snowdrift in December he might have to wait until April to dig it out.” 

Sapinero, Powderhorn and Pitkin fell in the middle range due to the presence of skeletal services and distance from main population centers.

Icy roads, the presence of deer and elk on the highways and location in remote regions worked against these towns causing them to finish poorly in the survey according to the review.

The county’s three main population centers scored well partially because, even though they are in the United States in name, they are off the grid and are not considered targets for terror and are virtually unpolluted. In addition to ranking high in the Gunnison County survey, they matched up well with other rural towns across the country despite climate-related issues, high prices and an economy based on tourism, cows and real estate.

No location manages to present ideal living conditions but these three are close, especially if one factors in daily stress, traffic and the outdoor lifestyle. The review fell short of equating the dog population with happiness and the air quality with general life expectancy.

“There is no place better to live than anywhere in Gunnison County in the summer,” said the review, “although technically, that may only last for 6 days.”

– Fred Zeppelin

     

Tourists Warned of Blood-Thirsty Wildlife

Tourists Warned of Blood-Thirsty Wildlife

(Crested Butte) While the bright lights sparkle in the snow of another day in another paradise, tourists are warned that just outside the resort perimeter hungry creatures lurk. One only has to venture forth, more than an inch but less than a mile, from this fortified perimeter to realize that wild animals, not humans, control the night.

Yes, while a false sense of security permeates the daylight hours, at dusk predators jockey for position on the food chain. Hungry cats, groggy bear and an occasional moose wait in ambush for the hapless straggler, the meandering drunkard, the inattentive cross-country skier returning from a day’s jaunt.

“It may look calm, collected,” said one local police deputy, “but it’s a wilderness out there. Even though there are a lot of us we can’t be everywhere at once, especially in the back country. They don’t put it in the tourist brochures, but we cannot guarantee the safety of our visitors anywhere outside the town limits after dark.”

Area of major concern through May

At mid-winter authorities say they control Gothic Road, most of the Bench and about three miles up Kebler. In addition tourists are relatively safe from town to Riverbend and Peanut Lake but beyond those markers it’s risky. Wolves, Bengal tigers, woolly mammoths and even an elusive Sasquatch are on the prowl after dark, looking for dinner, or perhaps just a good time at a tourist’s expense.

“Again, we suggest that visitors limit their outdoor experience to the slopes and stay within the gridlock when the sun goes down,” said the deputy, who worked at a Dallas zoom before joining the local police farce.

Local developers, many of whom are working around the clock to expand the sanctuaries of Homo Sapiens, contend that man is making strides in his attempts to take back the wilderness but that it all takes time.

“We are constantly confronted with the element that believes that wild carnivores have a place in the action,” said Alfredo Bastante, a spokesman for the fledgling Crested Butte-Aspen Tunnel Coalition. “Once we begin drilling under Pearl Pass we’ll give wild animals a run for their money.”

The tunnel, not yet approved by officials from Gunnison and Pitkin Counties, would allow speedy travel from the two ski towns and give Crested Butte the much desired access to I-70 while opening up trade routes for Aspen as well as the Crystal River Valley.

– Pepper Salte

Cowboys and Cows: A Frightening Co-Dependency

Cowboys and Cows: A Frightening Co-Dependency

with Dr. Carl Menudo BFD, LBJ, ASAP, LSMFT

The last cowpuncher I that visited my couch told me about his dreams where all the cows had disappeared. This poor bastard, who had worked as a wrangler all of his life often woke up in a cold sweat with the shakes. It was only after he peeked out of the bunkhouse window at the massive herd of Herefords outside, that he stopped moaning. Tough way to go. I prescribed a handful of barbiturates.

More and more we are finding that as society sidesteps nurturing personal relationships, these kinds of fear-fed dependencies are on the upswing. Little old ladies love their cats because they are the only ones around. Where are their worthless off-spring? They were always around for a hand-out before. Now they can’t get off work for a visit or their car broke down. Excuses. The list goes on. Little boys have pet snakes, little girls like fuzzy rabbits. Old men like their cigars. Sick.

Getting back to the cowpuncher’s problems we find that he is also neurotically attached to his hat. It’s the same hat he’s worn since 1963. First, does he know why the bandanna is a necessary part of the outfit on the range? Although we stop short of suggesting a business suit, we feel he would come a long way to drop the costume and wear a pair of bibs to work, or god-help-us, maybe a pair of shorts on a hot day. (Co-workers might be forced to don sunglasses to protect their eyes from the brightness of cowpuncher legs, unaccustomed to even the hint of sunlight ). 

cowboy with a cow

The cows won’t notice and he might gain a certain sense of independence. It’s a damn good thing his boots wear out after a while or we’d have this fashion dependency to deal with as well.

Secondly, we prescribe a break from his regular diet of boiled potatoes and overcooked beef. Sure the plains Indians had a close relationship with the buffalo but they didn’t eat them. The buffalo never wore feathers either. Instead the Native Americans preferred rabbit, horse and fish dishes, especially bivalve mollusks like cockles and muscles. On the weekends they ate cod followed by a fine cigar. On holy days and times of sacrifice the existed only on fish strips and catfish made in Dutch ovens, stolen from the Indian Agency. But I’m getting away from our subject area…

Let’s not pretend to blame this whole mess on the cowboys. 

Shall we wander out into the pasture and see what’s going down with the herd. Not too motivated for sure. They just stand around waiting for a cowperson to feed them or drive them somewhere. Branding is traumatic but they get over it. The burning off of horns and castration can’t be much fun but they survive. Freezing temperatures, high winds, the deaths of friends and relatives…they remain vigilant. 

Why the cows can’t go out on their own and why the cowboy has become so attached to the herd, the way of life, is OK for a while but both must plan for the day when separation anxiety reaches its zenith. What if the cowboy has to buy a steak at the grocery and the cows are watching? What if the cows tried to fend for themselves without cowhide? Maybe everyone would benefit.

But today we watch helplessly as many of both species blend into one co-dependent unit unable to distinguish between working together and the chains of obsessive reliance.