All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Antifa Cells Under Reflecting Pool

Seeking global solidarity, a radical wing of Antifacista is allegedly acquiring an unsettling number of war elephants to use to attack Orange Donald before the midterm elections in November. ICE Agents searching for the elephants, that reportedly  number 4000, say that countless Antifa fighters are hiding them under the waters of Washington’s Reflecting Pool . Political analysts continue to determine how this is connected to the poorly received Chung King and LaChoy jokes spewed by Chump during his recent summit with Xi Jinping In Beijing

The anti-facists, honored by trump as the first homegrown American terrorist group in 250 years. Earlier trump has designated sativa as a terrorist organization only to discover it is a strain of cannabis (aka cannabis sativa).

“We’re digging like madmen,” said one excavationist. “We’ll find them and when we do there’ll be hell to pay.”

Administration sources, detecting yet another opportunity to misguide the American people, told reporters today that the massive $13 million remodel of the Reflecting Pool was being conducted simply to improve the ambience of the place.

And if that’s not enough to ruin their morning coffee, many of the union ballroom builders on the East Wing are registered as Antifa operatives, even though there is no visible infrastructure or indication of a central power base.

When we finish the excavation we’ll know more,” said a sweating White House architect.

“An alarming number of subversive workers on the legacy White House Ballroom are currently sabotaging the basement of Congressional chambers,” gasped the source. “One aging double-agent sous chef allegedly voted for Adlai Stevenson in 1956 while the pastry chef’s ghost uncle served with the Abraham Lincoln Brigade in Spain. (1936-1939) . These commies hate America. We’re watching them closely. We hope to neutralize them.”

It is clear that Antifa is after Trump. One kidnapping was thwarted by FBI, foiled because no one wanted to baby sit the Orange Whale. Antifa scuttlebutt? Maybe not.

“I never really ever saw one of these Antifas but I am sure they are everywhere,” said a trump supporter.

“This is a sophisticated cell hates America”. These bloodthirsty mega-terrorists are hell bent on fighting the same fascism that the Allies fought in 1942-45. Doesn’t anyone connect the dots? It’s all quite laughable,” said a spokesman for the Democrats.

In other stumblings, Elon Musk admitted that showcase Nazi, Stephen Miller was an AI foul up from the beginning – The empty net affect did not mix well with bone spurs, bibles or bullies. Our little experiment has gone way wrong, and like AI (and Covid) is very difficult to harness once it gets loose in the lab.

-Small Mouth Bess

Wow. The things you miss while you’re out on a bender – editor

Ropas Sucias (Leftovers)

MATH 611:

How many kids that go hungry in these US would it take to build trump’s arch? How many of the Trump minions would fit into his bomb-proof bunker. How many times did Trump’s father say I love you to Donald?

Terrorists call terrorists terrorists

Pointing the finger has never been more popular in world circles as was painfully clear today.

Congratulations Antifa: Anti-Fascist group recently awarded domestic terror designation by the American shadow gov’ment.

Tips to be worldly # 611: Never eat borscht in Russian when the dictators’ last name ends in an n.

New video games doing well . “Ballistic Dart” game sales up 45% with “Hit Vladimir’s Houses”and “Hit Bibi’s Bathroom” holding on as bullseyes, shredding all previous records for political action videos.

Is trump, the reincarnation of Paraguayan leader Francisco Solano López? Solano’s diary (illegally confiscated from library) was diwcovered  by Kurdish carpenters in an unfinished White House bunker next to the only book in the place, Mein Kamph. He won’t need a GPS to find the gates of hell.

Apology: Gray whales not gay whales are visiting San Francisco Bay in great numbers this spring.

Looks like former U.S. Attorney General, Pam Bondo wasn’t really the glue that held the trump card together. When she uttered “You should apologize to President Trump – was she speaking rhetorically? Did she actually say “What was not to like, under the bus”?

Win three rounds in the ring with White House

Deputy Chief of staff Steven Miller

Just answer a few simple questions

on our  Enough is Enough Survey

1. Correctly guess the most likely source of Tom Homan’s next bribe. Location? Amount?

2. Where do former ICE agents go for fun?

3. Who is the next Administration official to be fired by the Orange Donald?

4. Why do the majority of MAGA lovers not know the definition of dystopia?

Boner Question: Who will pay for the bad blood created by Donald Trump? Will other countries ever forgive us?

Correction: We wrote that a Texas university will no longer teach Plano when it was supposed to read Texas university will no longer teach Plato. Sorry for the oversight.

– compiled by Susie Compost

Wild Horses Get Life on the Range

(Maybell) Herds of wild horses roaming the open spaces here have been given a reprieve and stay of execution due to budgetary limits imposed by the Bureau of Land Management. The agency, which often destroys wild horses to control the flourishing herds and protect domestic stock, cannot afford to kill the beasts due to operational cutbacks and severe layoffs amid the shadow war against domestic adversaries and a plethora of sovereign countries.

     “We have instead rescinded the sentences imposed to a life sentence on the open range,” boasted an advisory board within the Department of the Interior.

     No new roundup of the wild horses is slated until at least October.

     Although no one actually expects the animals to comply with the judgment, the horses will be confined to an area of not more than 4000 square miles extending from northwest Colorado to southern Wyoming and eastern Utah. All previous transgressions on the part of the herds will be forgiven based on good behavior and compliance with the newly imposed code of ethics.

     A one-toed, hoofed spokesman within the herd did not return our phone calls Thursday.

– Earl MacAdoo

Rockies’ Blackball decision looming just as season begins

(Denver) In a mock ballot the Colorado’s Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche and Rapids have voted to blackball the Colorado Rockies. The four other professional franchises in the state tipped their poker hands early showcasing strong feelings in regard to the Rockies’ future here.

The Broncos, Avalanche and Nuggets have shown very positive credentials with the football and hockey teams finishing at the top of their respective leagues while the Nuggets are seen as serious contenders for the NBA crown. The Rapids too, a newer football/soccer club, seem to have followed a reasonable flow toward future success.

The Rockies are hereby on probation beginning at spring training. Tentative action may take place following the 2026 season.

“Out of the Platte and into the Frying Pan” said one Rockies’ executive, who has yet to trade away potential stars currently on the roster.

For more on this please turn to Coloradans save millions on Rockies tickets and attire —Money spent on more important pursuits like food and gasoline.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Ancient ones never bothered with building permit in Montezuma County

The Anasazi, or Ancient Ones, as the Pueblos call them, never secured the proper documents before completing Mesa Verde. The county has been trying to set the record straight for over 30 years with little luck and a lot of frustration.

“We’ve been looking for someone to hand the bill to, but they all seem to have moved on,” said County Manager Melvin Toolski, who also seems to have disappeared in last year.

According to reliable and preferred sources:

Mesa Verde, which is now a National Park, was occupied by the Ancestoral Puebloans from approximately 550 CE to 1300 CE, who transitioned from mesa-top pit houses to sophisticated,, 600+ cliff dwellings. These indigenous farmers and builders thrived for centuries, leaving behind, 1000+ sites, including Cliff Palace, before migrating south to New Mexico and Arizona due to severe, 1200s, drought and social pressures. 

The swift departure and subsequent relocation has left the gov’ment holding the bag as it were with back taxes alone estimated to be over 15 million dollars in today’s currency.

“We have all but written this debt off falling sort of labelling these ancients as deadbeats,” said Toolski. “They are probably at some tropical beach in Mexico spending our money on tequila and menudo.”

Another spokesman for the county said the matter had been put on the back burner since it is well past the statute of limitations.

“Conservatively speaking we are probably 720 years too late for legal action, even if we could find a responsible party to target,” she explained.

Anasazi a Navajo name that is interpreted as ancient enemy, is now considered disrespectful by the 26 tribes who descended from these ancient peoples. This includes the Hopi, the Acoma, the peoples of Taos Pueblo, and all who live along the Little Colorado and Rio Grande rivers. These descendants of the people who lived in Mesa Verde for 700 years want the original inhabitants of Mesa Verde, Colorado, be known as the Ancestoral Puebloans.

How Things Happen: Walter Brown

“He said honey, “I pilfered, I trifled

I murdered, I lied and I stole”

And she said “Hush and eat your supper

before everything gets cold.”

— Mark Germino

 

 For the second time in his 29 years my son was after me to get a dog. Since

the first time worked out reasonably well, I wasn’t adamantly opposed to the

idea.

 My son and I agree that a dog should be of a certain size, girth, width,

height, stature and so forth.  When we think dog we think large.  For one

thing it is hard to call a small dog a grand name like Snow King, Thor,

Juneau or Maverick.

We next pondered what kind of large dog would be most appropriate. We

discussed several brand names  –  Newfoundland and Irish Wolfhound among

them.  My son agreed to track down a source for these dogs. He’d get back to

me.

When he did several weeks later he offered a curious plan.

“First of all dad, these dogs cost money”

“What dogs?”

“Newfoundlands and they drool.”

“How much ?”

“They drool a lot dad and . . “

“No, no, how much money?

$1200 – $1500 bucks”

“Jesus son, I’m not gonna pay $1500 bucks for a dog , drool or not.”

“No dad. I’m gonna buy the dog” he said without conviction or any

enthusiasm I could notice.

“You’re going to buy the dog huh. Where are you going to get it?”

“Seattle. I think I can buy the dog in Seattle”

“You’re going to Seattle to buy the dog?” My son lives in Denver.

“No, I’ll order the dog over the internet. “I thought about this for a

couple of seconds.

“How are you going to get the dog down here.” I live in Northern New

Mexico.

“I’ll send you the dog.”

I think we both knew that the plan was dubious at best but even the

strangest endeavors sometimes assume a momentum of their own. Look at the

candidacy of George W. Bush for president.

As I thought this whole thing over I knew what I had to do. I immediately

gave notice at work to create yet more time to think this over; to prepare

myself mentally and spiritually; to be on hand when the mailman delivered

the dog and so on.  I also came up with a name for the dog. Walter. The dog

would be called Walter.

My son called back a couple of weeks later with the news that he had

discussed with his fiancee the plan to buy a $1500 dog in Seattle over the

internet and send it to me .

“What did she say son?”

“She said it was the dumbest thing she had ever heard of.”

We were both relieved.

This would probably have been the end of the whole matter had I not come up

with a name for the dog.

Walter.

  Some people believe that as a concept or idea becomes real in your mind it

becomes real in actuality. Kind of like what you believe is what you’re

gonna get. Nobody knows exactly how this works because the mechanism is

invisible to most of us. It may have to do with the “unified field”. It may

have to do with the “collective unconscious”. It may revolve from  some

mysterious “underlying intelligence”. We don’t understand it precisely

because it is silent to our normal senses but that in no ways means it

doesn’t exist.

Some people see it as no more than the complete circle of giving and

receiving.  Some people call it flow, others call it belief or faith. Still

others tab it dumb luck.

The first time I actually saw Walter was about a week later. He was

recovering from internal injuries and surgery to repair a broken back leg.

He was in a cage at the Vet’s office looking kind of sad and dopey.  My ex

wife, who found him the day before outside of the Espanola library, an

apparent victim of an encounter with a car or truck, had taken him to the

vet then notified me.

As I looked at Walter I wondered of course if he would grow to be a

reasonably large dog, which he has to include an astoundingly large head. I

also wondered what kind of dog he might be.  Today, six  months later, I am

still wondering.

The vet told me that because Walter had four pins in his leg that it was

very important, oh boy did she stress this, that the dog not walk ,

certainly not run, around for two weeks.

I fashioned a cardboard box and pretty much carried Walter around with me.

From time to time removing him from the box and placing him outside

exhorting and encouraging him to do his duty or something like that. I’m not

sure how I put it.

It is not easy  to keep a  month old puppy in cardboard box for an extended

period of time. I think I did as well as the next guy except one occasion

when Walter was accompanying me in the truck on a trip to Espanola.

One of my accomplishment since I left Crested Butte is learning how to use

a drive up ATM machine and it was on the way to such a machine that I made

my first mistake. I pulled into MacDonalds and ordered a Sausage MucMuffin.

I placed the  breakfast sandwich on the dashboard and drove across the

street to the ATM machine where with confidence I inserted the plastic card

into the bowels of the machine. I punched in a four number code known only

to me and requested forty bucks. The machine indicated it was processing .

At this time I made my second mistake. I reasoned I could unwrap and take a

bite out of that Sausage MucMuffin while I waited for my cash. The instant

the sandwich was unwrapped and en route  to my mouth Walter, bum leg and

all, sprang like a cougar out of the box straight through me towards the

sandwich. Surprised and startled  I fended off the surprisingly strong and

determined dog in an effort to protect myself and the sandwich which was

mistake # 3.

  Walter tumbled back into his box which in turn tumbled  into the gearshift

and onto the floor of the truck  spewing out the dog in a crumbled and

awkward position and causing him to engage in a sustained, plaintive howl.

Oh Jesus, what have I done? As the machine churned out my cash,  I set

about rescuing the dog, spilling a cup of dangerous McDonald coffee in the

process, not directly on the dog thank god, but  contributing in general to

the ongoing mayhem and disorder.

  I untangled the dog the best I could. I repeatedly expressed sincere

regret . I held him. I cajoled and calmed him. I lamented my stupidity and

then after the third absolution of “‘I’ll make up to you Walter I really

will” I reached out to complete my transaction with the ATM machine only the

money wasn’t there any longer. Did it fly out of the tray?  Did it . . .

I subsequently learned that after a prescribed period of time ATM machines

will swallow back your money.  The machine of course deducts the money it

just snatched away from you from your account.  It’s your fault. You didn’t

“grab it fast.” I tossed the now battle torn sandwich in the trash and drove

away.

Walter has cost me in other ways. When I engaged a plumber at the modest

rate of 80 bucks an hour Walter stealthily removed a key part, then a key

tool from the operation which cost me at least another forty bucks in time

relocating. Then there is his curious habit of  snatching my razor and

chewing it , blade included, beyond recognition. Did I mention that he

throws up any food that costs less than $1 a can?

Still the dog is a blessing, a proud and goofy compliment and companion.

Most guys really like their dogs and I’m no exception. Perhaps it’s the

unconditional love, for sure it’s the humor, and  maybe, just maybe, it

sometimes has something to do with the process of  how a thing happens in

the first place.

— Lee H. Ervin