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US Map Shows Polarization and More

US Map Shows Polarization and More

Darkened states within the land of the free clearly indicate domaines where people enjoy being tickeled with an albatross feather. In the lightly colored states the practice is illegal and punishable by fines and imprisonment. Both major political parties say they offer freedom while increasingly restricting the population. The experiment is not going well. The experiment is out of control.  (Poverty is a Crime Photo Service)

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet. 

– Sergio Jingles

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: 

Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall. Don’t miss it!

 

       

Remember snow?

Remember snow?

A much anticipated cold front is moving into Region Zen tonight bringing more seasonal temperatures after a series of baking heat waves in our high country. Snow can’t be far off. (Declan Haley Photo Talent Ltd.)

Regional Update

Rastas, Mormons still long way from agreement

(Blanding UT) Meetings between Rastafarians and Mormons have yielded little or nothing toward the settlement of stark, gaping differences as of this morning. The summit, sponsored by ecumenical relief organizations, was arranged so as to create a climate of understanding within the diverse groups. A mid-week concert featuring Glays Knight (Yes, of The Pips) and Washington DC’s all-white reggae band Soja is certain to further cloud stereotypes .  Unreliable sources here say the two religions are still miles apart with final sessions scheduled over the weekend. 

Fool-Injected Engines Ready This Week

(Ridgway) Local man, Melvin Toole has reportedly invented an automobile that never runs out of gas. “It’s fool-injected,” said Toole. “Fool-injected. With a capital F and that stands for fool and that rhymes with Toole.” The car will run forever on one tank of gas according to the inventor who adds that he is not concerned as to the countless death threats received from major oil companies. The car, available this week in red, metallic teal and off-white, promises to revolutionize the industry. “Fool-injection will be seen as a major breakthrough by everyone, especially with the price of gasoline,” he said,

Website Drops Info-Nympho Chat

(Manana) Citing perverse sexual innuendo at every turn, skantily clad editors at the sanjuanhorseshoe.com have discontinued the popular Info-Nympho column, effective today. Saying that the offering is not appropriate for a it’s marginally attentive readership, the paper will no longer feature it on its editorial page.

Penned by an unidentified writer, Info-Nympho followed an often tedious question and answer format that always skirted the subject and went directly to recounting the author’s sexual depravations, real or imagined. One example saw a reader write in asking about paint thinner only to be treated to a sordid account of the author’s visit to a swinger’s nightclub in Colona. Another went like this:

Dear Info Nympho: My family and I are confused about daylight savings time. Does one turn the clock up or back? Little Hand

Dear Little Hand. It’s simple: Spring forward, fall back. It’s a lot like my first time doing it on the beach. We looked up and there was nobody around so we figured we were alone. His hot breath gripped me and before I knew it clothes were everywhere. His welcome advances commenced and before I knew it we were in deep embrace. If only a crowd had not gathered we might still be there today.      Info Nympho.

The column will be replaced by a bass fishing pictorial.

Anesthesiologists Anonymous Dissolves

(Montrose) Anesthesiologists Anonymous today disbanded after 30 years attempting to rehabilitate at risk medical personnel. In the final meeting former members unanimously pledged to do all they could for their brotherhood and while taking ten steps toward remaining total strangers. A pot luck dinner has been scheduled at an undisclosed spot. Parties interested in attending the finale are encouraged to bring a covered fish. 

Independent Grocer to offer Double Days in October

(Ouray) Fewd’s Super Center Market and Super Fewd’s in Silverton will again feature Double Days on weekends in October offering the entire inventory (except the meat department) at twice the price as usual. It’s a madhouse but it’s fun,” said proprietor Fannie Fewd. “We’ll have a real faisdodo going on come Saturday night.” The popular promotion will run through Halloween and be repeated as often as necessary throughout the winter, according to a spokesman for the family-run market. 

Monday Only Commerce Bill passes in Hinsdale County

(Lake City) Calling it “an end to puritan culture once and for all”, town and county officials today threw full support behind a proposed ordinance banning work in any form six days a week. Residents and visitors alike would face stiff penalties for commerce any day but Monday.

     “It’s just a matter of complacency,” said one elected leader who then quoted a pointed Garifuna saying common to Caribbean Nicaragua: “Monday- work day, Tuesday – choose day, Wednesday – lose day, Thursday – muse day, Friday pay day, Saturday feast day, Sunday rest day.”

     The motion is expected to pass easily at next Monday’s meeting.

Sage aftershave draws lusty ghost

(Crested Butte) A confirmed bachelor here says that ever since he began applying a local sage aftershave lotion he has found true romance. According to Tommy Middlefinger, a longtime house wrecker, he is visited every night in his boudoir by a sensual, yet rambunctious ghost set on extended love making. And he’s not complaining.

“The ratio of men to women here has always created a problem for the men and a paradise for the women,” he choked. “I just started using the aftershave to get rid of the gout. She (the ghostess) may be a little transparent but I assure you she’s still a fox even after 115 years in the grave.”

112-year old Cuban maestro denied entry into US

(Norwood) An elderly Cuban musician has been barred entry into the United States due to national security considerations it was reported today. The popular marimba great who has appeared on the popular Buena Vista Social Club CDs was turned away in Miami after showing his passport and playing the prescribed games attributed to Homeland Security Agency and the INS.

He was slated to play at Red’s Gravy Heaven on Grand Avenue October 20.

“I’ll just wait them out, said centenarian-plus Alfredo “The Marimba Machete” Garcia. “Sooner or later this quagmire too shall pass and maybe the U.S. will elect someone who likes Cuban music.”

People with whiny voices less likely to succeed says study

(Gunnison) A combined study conducted by Western State College University and Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Laboratory has determined that people with whiny voices are doomed to failure. The findings strongly suggest that although some whiners may do well in their early attempts they will, in the end, wind up in the gutter.

“Who wants some whiny know-it-all running around with success pinned to his coat,” asked one coordinator of a survey started last March. “We’ve talked to almost everyone in Gunnison County, including Marble and Vulcan, and nobody wants to see them do well.”

The study clearly states that fellow humans often dictate who is successful and that whiners rarely get the nod of the noggin in the social arena.

– compiled in part by Olivia Tinkleholland

KARMA MAN IN TOWN AGAIN

(Crested Butte) The much maligned Karma Man will once again be coming around and going around in these mountains for the summer. Despite attempts by some residents to convince him to circulate a wider radius, he will be in local faces through September. Civic and religious leaders have struggled to determine the source of his incredible powers but have failed, leading the scientific community to project that his activities are in sync with the cosmic flow.

“He was here last summer and people immediately started reaping what they had sowed,” said one local sage. “It’s a really beautiful sight to behold unless of course you are one of the people who have been taking extended draws against the bank of morality.

“This Karma Man character doesn’t have to do much,” he continued. “We do it all to ourselves. He is just the avenue of delivery, the medium of exchange on the stock market of destiny.”

Although nothing is etched in stone, the Karma guy’s tentative schedule is as follows:

Crested Butte: July 10 -20; Gunnison: July 21 -Aug 9; Montrose: Aug 10 – 22 Ridgway: Aug 23 – Aug 30) Ouray: August 23-August 30; Norwood: September 1-6; Telluride: September 7-21.

 Any inmates of the smaller towns in the region should report to the closest burg as defined above. 

“Kiss my aura, Dora.”  – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)

Growing Number of Elvis Impersonators Flood Kremlin

(Moscow) What amounted to a few hundred Elvis impersonators in Red Square yesterday has quickly morphed to thousands, distracting potato head supporters of the war in Ukraine and leaving Vladimir Putin’s masterplan exposed to yet another setback.

Yes, Muscovites awoke this morning to more than a stumblebum war and a crippled economy. Looking out onto Red Square many expressed alarm as the place was jam- packed with people dressed as the late American singer icon, Elvis Presley.

Where all of the Elvises came from is anyone’s guess especially in a country that grows more closed by the day. Although police arrested over 2000 Elvises this morning alone by the afternoon their numbers had snowballed, surging beyond police barricades augmented by pleasant summer weather.   

“Some jumped from planes, others arrived by bus from unidentified border crossings,” 

according to a segment on the popular TV show Czarist Living. “Most wore sequin and had that sneer, you know the one, with the hips swaying and the crooning. Who wouldn’t take notice? 

At present no Elvis has leveled sanctions on any oligarchs.

EU officials expressed hope that the absurd nature of this development might overflow into ongoing negotiations marred by the flow of emigrants from the pariah nation to nearby countries and the resilience of many to continue the embrace of a classic peasantry

“Our jails are filled with Elvises,” maintains one Putin loyalist. “There is no room for the drunks!”

-Fred Zeppelin