All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Ropas Sucias (Leftovers)
MATH 611:
How many kids that go hungry in these US would it take to build trump’s arch? How many of the Trump minions would fit into his bomb-proof bunker. How many times did Trump’s father say I love you to Donald?
Terrorists call terrorists terrorists
Pointing the finger has never been more popular in world circles as was painfully clear today.
Congratulations Antifa: Anti-Fascist group recently awarded domestic terror designation by the American shadow gov’ment.
Tips to be worldly # 611: Never eat borscht in Russian when the dictators’ last name ends in an n.
New video games doing well . “Ballistic Dart” game sales up 45% with “Hit Vladimir’s Houses”and “Hit Bibi’s Bathroom” holding on as bullseyes, shredding all previous records for political action videos.
Is trump, the reincarnation of Paraguayan leader Francisco Solano López? Solano’s diary (illegally confiscated from library) was diwcovered by Kurdish carpenters in an unfinished White House bunker next to the only book in the place, Mein Kamph. He won’t need a GPS to find the gates of hell.
Apology: Gray whales not gay whales are visiting San Francisco Bay in great numbers this spring.
Looks like former U.S. Attorney General, Pam Bondo wasn’t really the glue that held the trump card together. When she uttered “You should apologize to President Trump – was she speaking rhetorically? Did she actually say “What was not to like, under the bus”?
Win three rounds in the ring with White House
Deputy Chief of staff Steven Miller
Just answer a few simple questions
on our Enough is Enough Survey
1. Correctly guess the most likely source of Tom Homan’s next bribe. Location? Amount?
2. Where do former ICE agents go for fun?
3. Who is the next Administration official to be fired by the Orange Donald?
4. Why do the majority of MAGA lovers not know the definition of dystopia?
Boner Question: Who will pay for the bad blood created by Donald Trump? Will other countries ever forgive us?
Correction: We wrote that a Texas university will no longer teach Plano when it was supposed to read Texas university will no longer teach Plato. Sorry for the oversight.
– compiled by Susie Compost
Wild Horses Get Life on the Range
(Maybell) Herds of wild horses roaming the open spaces here have been given a reprieve and stay of execution due to budgetary limits imposed by the Bureau of Land Management. The agency, which often destroys wild horses to control the flourishing herds and protect domestic stock, cannot afford to kill the beasts due to operational cutbacks and severe layoffs amid the shadow war against domestic adversaries and a plethora of sovereign countries.
“We have instead rescinded the sentences imposed to a life sentence on the open range,” boasted an advisory board within the Department of the Interior.
No new roundup of the wild horses is slated until at least October.
Although no one actually expects the animals to comply with the judgment, the horses will be confined to an area of not more than 4000 square miles extending from northwest Colorado to southern Wyoming and eastern Utah. All previous transgressions on the part of the herds will be forgiven based on good behavior and compliance with the newly imposed code of ethics.
A one-toed, hoofed spokesman within the herd did not return our phone calls Thursday.
– Earl MacAdoo
Rockies’ Blackball decision looming just as season begins
(Denver) In a mock ballot the Colorado’s Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche and Rapids have voted to blackball the Colorado Rockies. The four other professional franchises in the state tipped their poker hands early showcasing strong feelings in regard to the Rockies’ future here.
The Broncos, Avalanche and Nuggets have shown very positive credentials with the football and hockey teams finishing at the top of their respective leagues while the Nuggets are seen as serious contenders for the NBA crown. The Rapids too, a newer football/soccer club, seem to have followed a reasonable flow toward future success.
The Rockies are hereby on probation beginning at spring training. Tentative action may take place following the 2026 season.
“Out of the Platte and into the Frying Pan” said one Rockies’ executive, who has yet to trade away potential stars currently on the roster.
For more on this please turn to Coloradans save millions on Rockies tickets and attire —Money spent on more important pursuits like food and gasoline.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Ancient ones never bothered with building permit in Montezuma County
The Anasazi, or Ancient Ones, as the Pueblos call them, never secured the proper documents before completing Mesa Verde. The county has been trying to set the record straight for over 30 years with little luck and a lot of frustration.
“We’ve been looking for someone to hand the bill to, but they all seem to have moved on,” said County Manager Melvin Toolski, who also seems to have disappeared in last year.
According to reliable and preferred sources:
Mesa Verde, which is now a National Park, was occupied by the Ancestoral Puebloans from approximately 550 CE to 1300 CE, who transitioned from mesa-top pit houses to sophisticated,, 600+ cliff dwellings. These indigenous farmers and builders thrived for centuries, leaving behind, 1000+ sites, including Cliff Palace, before migrating south to New Mexico and Arizona due to severe, 1200s, drought and social pressures.
The swift departure and subsequent relocation has left the gov’ment holding the bag as it were with back taxes alone estimated to be over 15 million dollars in today’s currency.
“We have all but written this debt off falling sort of labelling these ancients as deadbeats,” said Toolski. “They are probably at some tropical beach in Mexico spending our money on tequila and menudo.”
Another spokesman for the county said the matter had been put on the back burner since it is well past the statute of limitations.
“Conservatively speaking we are probably 720 years too late for legal action, even if we could find a responsible party to target,” she explained.
Anasazi a Navajo name that is interpreted as ancient enemy, is now considered disrespectful by the 26 tribes who descended from these ancient peoples. This includes the Hopi, the Acoma, the peoples of Taos Pueblo, and all who live along the Little Colorado and Rio Grande rivers. These descendants of the people who lived in Mesa Verde for 700 years want the original inhabitants of Mesa Verde, Colorado, be known as the Ancestoral Puebloans.
How Things Happen: Walter Brown
“He said honey, “I pilfered, I trifled
I murdered, I lied and I stole”
And she said “Hush and eat your supper
before everything gets cold.”
— Mark Germino
For the second time in his 29 years my son was after me to get a dog. Since
the first time worked out reasonably well, I wasn’t adamantly opposed to the
idea.
My son and I agree that a dog should be of a certain size, girth, width,
height, stature and so forth. When we think dog we think large. For one
thing it is hard to call a small dog a grand name like Snow King, Thor,
Juneau or Maverick.
We next pondered what kind of large dog would be most appropriate. We
discussed several brand names – Newfoundland and Irish Wolfhound among
them. My son agreed to track down a source for these dogs. He’d get back to
me.
When he did several weeks later he offered a curious plan.
“First of all dad, these dogs cost money”
“What dogs?”
“Newfoundlands and they drool.”
“How much ?”
“They drool a lot dad and . . “
“No, no, how much money?
$1200 – $1500 bucks”
“Jesus son, I’m not gonna pay $1500 bucks for a dog , drool or not.”
“No dad. I’m gonna buy the dog” he said without conviction or any
enthusiasm I could notice.
“You’re going to buy the dog huh. Where are you going to get it?”
“Seattle. I think I can buy the dog in Seattle”
“You’re going to Seattle to buy the dog?” My son lives in Denver.
“No, I’ll order the dog over the internet. “I thought about this for a
couple of seconds.
“How are you going to get the dog down here.” I live in Northern New
Mexico.
“I’ll send you the dog.”
I think we both knew that the plan was dubious at best but even the
strangest endeavors sometimes assume a momentum of their own. Look at the
candidacy of George W. Bush for president.
As I thought this whole thing over I knew what I had to do. I immediately
gave notice at work to create yet more time to think this over; to prepare
myself mentally and spiritually; to be on hand when the mailman delivered
the dog and so on. I also came up with a name for the dog. Walter. The dog
would be called Walter.
My son called back a couple of weeks later with the news that he had
discussed with his fiancee the plan to buy a $1500 dog in Seattle over the
internet and send it to me .
“What did she say son?”
“She said it was the dumbest thing she had ever heard of.”
We were both relieved.
This would probably have been the end of the whole matter had I not come up
with a name for the dog.
Walter.
Some people believe that as a concept or idea becomes real in your mind it
becomes real in actuality. Kind of like what you believe is what you’re
gonna get. Nobody knows exactly how this works because the mechanism is
invisible to most of us. It may have to do with the “unified field”. It may
have to do with the “collective unconscious”. It may revolve from some
mysterious “underlying intelligence”. We don’t understand it precisely
because it is silent to our normal senses but that in no ways means it
doesn’t exist.
Some people see it as no more than the complete circle of giving and
receiving. Some people call it flow, others call it belief or faith. Still
others tab it dumb luck.
The first time I actually saw Walter was about a week later. He was
recovering from internal injuries and surgery to repair a broken back leg.
He was in a cage at the Vet’s office looking kind of sad and dopey. My ex
wife, who found him the day before outside of the Espanola library, an
apparent victim of an encounter with a car or truck, had taken him to the
vet then notified me.
As I looked at Walter I wondered of course if he would grow to be a
reasonably large dog, which he has to include an astoundingly large head. I
also wondered what kind of dog he might be. Today, six months later, I am
still wondering.
The vet told me that because Walter had four pins in his leg that it was
very important, oh boy did she stress this, that the dog not walk ,
certainly not run, around for two weeks.
I fashioned a cardboard box and pretty much carried Walter around with me.
From time to time removing him from the box and placing him outside
exhorting and encouraging him to do his duty or something like that. I’m not
sure how I put it.
It is not easy to keep a month old puppy in cardboard box for an extended
period of time. I think I did as well as the next guy except one occasion
when Walter was accompanying me in the truck on a trip to Espanola.
One of my accomplishment since I left Crested Butte is learning how to use
a drive up ATM machine and it was on the way to such a machine that I made
my first mistake. I pulled into MacDonalds and ordered a Sausage MucMuffin.
I placed the breakfast sandwich on the dashboard and drove across the
street to the ATM machine where with confidence I inserted the plastic card
into the bowels of the machine. I punched in a four number code known only
to me and requested forty bucks. The machine indicated it was processing .
At this time I made my second mistake. I reasoned I could unwrap and take a
bite out of that Sausage MucMuffin while I waited for my cash. The instant
the sandwich was unwrapped and en route to my mouth Walter, bum leg and
all, sprang like a cougar out of the box straight through me towards the
sandwich. Surprised and startled I fended off the surprisingly strong and
determined dog in an effort to protect myself and the sandwich which was
mistake # 3.
Walter tumbled back into his box which in turn tumbled into the gearshift
and onto the floor of the truck spewing out the dog in a crumbled and
awkward position and causing him to engage in a sustained, plaintive howl.
Oh Jesus, what have I done? As the machine churned out my cash, I set
about rescuing the dog, spilling a cup of dangerous McDonald coffee in the
process, not directly on the dog thank god, but contributing in general to
the ongoing mayhem and disorder.
I untangled the dog the best I could. I repeatedly expressed sincere
regret . I held him. I cajoled and calmed him. I lamented my stupidity and
then after the third absolution of “‘I’ll make up to you Walter I really
will” I reached out to complete my transaction with the ATM machine only the
money wasn’t there any longer. Did it fly out of the tray? Did it . . .
I subsequently learned that after a prescribed period of time ATM machines
will swallow back your money. The machine of course deducts the money it
just snatched away from you from your account. It’s your fault. You didn’t
“grab it fast.” I tossed the now battle torn sandwich in the trash and drove
away.
Walter has cost me in other ways. When I engaged a plumber at the modest
rate of 80 bucks an hour Walter stealthily removed a key part, then a key
tool from the operation which cost me at least another forty bucks in time
relocating. Then there is his curious habit of snatching my razor and
chewing it , blade included, beyond recognition. Did I mention that he
throws up any food that costs less than $1 a can?
Still the dog is a blessing, a proud and goofy compliment and companion.
Most guys really like their dogs and I’m no exception. Perhaps it’s the
unconditional love, for sure it’s the humor, and maybe, just maybe, it
sometimes has something to do with the process of how a thing happens in
the first place.
— Lee H. Ervin
White Nationalists missed big chance to rename Winter Olympics
The 2026 Winter Olympics could have been called The Caucasian Olympics plus 2 (China and Japan) but white supremacist blew it.
Clearly Aryans dominate the event with Norse and Flemish overtones and including Southern European tribes such as the Spain, Portugal, France and the 2026 hosts.
1st Winter Olympics were held in Chamonix, France 1924. Before that there were no Winter Olympics since the entire concept originated in Greece and there is not enough snow to bobsled or ample ice to engage in the suspense of curling.
One might ask: Well then why didn’t Hitler, (or even Georgian Joe Stalin*) jump on the chance to promote the Caucasian culture?
Glad you asked: The next every-four-years scheduled Olympic Games would have been in 1928 while Adolf was cooling his heels in the calaboose. In 1932 he was engaged in street fighting, minority baiting and more beer hall entanglements. By the time of the winter games in 1936 rolled around Herr Hitler was far to engrossed in Lebensraum, Non-Aggression Mustache Pacts and plans to invade his neighbors to get his lip whiskers around a little snow and ice over in the Alps.
*Stalin, who according to Secret Police hatchet man Levrently Beria, was a shitty skier, was busy with purges and famines during those years which left him little time to pursue athletic venues.
“Democrats today are the party of the environmental lunatics, the transgender lunatics, the ones that think that we should be giving everything to foreign countries and not doing anything for our nation,”
– Senator Bernie Moreno, Republican of Ohio
