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This is the San Juan Horseshoe

Affordable reading for Western Colorado since 1977.

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Please remove shoes before entering Lifestyles and Soft News. Stories accessible 24-7 simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks, Fractured Opinion and Hard News directly under the masthead

 Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our high altitude stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in political emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.

Featuring in-depth, introspective news stories written by people who weren’t there either.This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Luang Prabang wanting to borrow a cup of rice. In May a woman in Bilbao sent us a naughty Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!

As with all endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. Thank you for letting us drink expensive whiskey and sleep late in the golden years.

Failed stand-up comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.

Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).

No hen or stag parties will be tolerated on week nights (Strictly enforced)

Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com

World News

Australians object to marsupial label

(Sydney) Australians here on the Tasman Sea are sick of what they are calling offensive, even racist slurs centering around the use of the word marsupial. The entire nation’s sensibilities have over the years been bruised by constant misuse of the term which refers to mammals exhibiting external abdominal pouches. Included on this roster are kangaroos, wombats and bandicoots, all of which are found only on the Australian continent.

     “People here are far more likely to have beer bellies than pouches,” said a spokesman for the Fair Dinkum government here. “In over twenty years of searching we have yet to find any people that could be classified as marsupial and we resent the implications forwarded by the foreign press.”

Polyester Crop Rots in Sun

(Kuala Lumpoor) Continued sweat shop strife and street fights between the Muslim majority and Chinese residents here have severely interrupted the annual polyester harvest. As of noon Tuesday tons of ripe polyester remains strewn about the fields, rotting in the tropical sun. Major markets like the United States and Europe have expressed concern that the yield will be a poor one and that they might have to rely on such antiquated fibers as cotton and wool to fuel the fashion industry.

     Garment workers currently demanding and end to slave wages and religious factions here in the capital have turned militant and in many cases have prevented agricultural workers from getting to the fields at all. If the valuable resource does not reach the market place soon it will be worthless. Already manufacturers are projecting chronic shortages for the fall. Many have considered pulling out of Southeast Asia due to what they call “disloyal elements who seek better working conditions”.

Anarchists Demand Own Homeland

(Godthaab, Greenland) A contingent of international anarchists has petitioned Denmark for a chunk of Greenland. The large island, a fourth the size of the US, currently enjoys the status as a county of tiny Denmark. The anarchists, who generally don’t approach such matters through normal diplomatic channels, have asked for 100,000 square miles along the mountainous Atlantic Coast where the population density is one of the lowest in the world.

Official sources in Copenhagen contend that while the area in question is not considered essential to Danish interests they are concerned that the radical policies of the anarchists might infect Canada and Iceland, where virtually nothing earth shaking has occurred in over 200 years.

     Most politicians here feel that an anarchist homeland has no place above the Arctic Circle and that the presence of more people could have adverse effects on polar bear harpoon fishing there. In addition, with extreme global warming, plans to cultivate bananas and citrus fruits around Scoresby Sound might be in direct conflict with the resettlement.

US Tracking Hummus Leader

(Gaza Strip) Radical Islamic cleric Mohammed ala-Chickpea has apparently abandoned his longtime stronghold near Khan Yunis and is on the run according to teams of counter-espionage agents who have been hunting for him since December. Although it’s not clear whether he is actually a Hummus leader or simply another attempt to divert agents from the real power in the region is still not clear.

     US agents, who deny being in Palestine, say they simply want to have lunch with Chickpea before turning him over to the Israelis for questioning. The cleric reportedly commands the attention of some 100,000 followers in Gaza alone. He is acknowledged as a gifted chef whose cooking show ran an unprecedented three seasons on Arab networks throughout the world. He counted many Israelis in his viewing audience before suicide bombings, bulldozers and assassinations grabbed the headlines and canceled his cooking program early last year.

“We have given you a republic, if you can keep it.” – Benjamin Franklin

 

“Read it while you drive!”

Primavera Astrograph

The following starlit appraisal appears in a bilingual state due to daydreams and serious distractions incurred during a recent sojourn to Costa Rica. We hope that our reader will be familiar enough with the cosmic flow herein to achieve high fidelity in his/her response to heat sensitive accusations, blighted wanderlust and brainstorming in the steaming jungle. Amazingly, there are entire towns and villages in this part of the world that are not obsessed with Y2K and many that believe Ronald Reagan (the father of political instability in nearby Nicaragua) to be a Saturday morning cartoon character. Please do not attempt to call us for further advice on our cell phone since, like many of our neighbors in Central America that device exists only for status and cannot be considered a serious method of stellar communication.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Pretend it’s your birthday today. Take the day off work and be lazy. Who knows you may get some nice gifts and someone with less to do than you might bake you a nice cake. Tomorrow: Pretend it’s Christmas. Others clearly want to get along without you or at least not be down-wind. Plant your garden in neat rows, then sit back and wait for a late frosty to strangle the life from volunteer crops. What the ice don’t get the deer will enjoy. Linear thinking is a far cry from the french fried fog associated with your recent logic. Tonight: Cuba Libras on the verandah.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Armonia en el amor y en la vida social. Opportunidades de matrimonio. Buen momento para disfrutar de las artes y de la musica. Trabaja bien en equipo pero probablemente le desagrade la rutina. Sensible e imaginativo, con frecuencia se inclina por lo creativo. Puede tener talento para escribir y desempenarse admirablemente en lo teatral. Esta noche: Tendra su oportunidad.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Dig into work but watch out for buried power lines. Others are much more serious about your money than you are. Intuition works well when dealing with canned goods. Take your imagination for a long walk. Employ foul langauge to make a point with supereriors. Who is that person looking back from the mirror? A nose job should be considered high priority, at least then some part of your anatomy might be gainfully employed. Get up off that couch and go back to bed. Tonight: Plot against your betters.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Salir por la noche con su pareja o un amigo le hara bien. Tendra meyor confianza en si mismo y mas coraje. Avance hacia el logro de sus ambiciones. Disfrute de actividades fisicas tales como desportes o baile. Moento para darse algunos gustos. Por la noche gozaria con placeres simples. Esat noche: Pescado en su cama.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Nerves of steel cannot always overcome personal magnetism. Hold of on responses until stimuli have landed. Smiling could be regarded as a weakness by competitors or a day off for the tooth fairy. Take a deep breath and hold it. A charming Capricorn will cast you in a sci-fi flick. Your need for human contact may attract pickpockets. Cook all feedback well before consuming. Romance should be medium rare while solitude is often better steamed over rice. Tonight: Door number three.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Jump at the chance to visit Mars. Avoid placing trust in your inner voice since it doesn’t pay the bills. Listen instead to telephone solicitors. The flatlands beckon. Change hair color to match a friends’ sofa. Think before breaking wind. Document second honeymoons. Stay with short sentences or maybe just for a night with relatives until you get a job. Celebrate lawn growth. Placing a loved one up on a pedestal just might increase your elbow room downstairs. It’s hard to stay centered in a world full of rectangles, but it’s better than getting caught in a corner.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Una promesa que le hubiernan hecho no se cumplira. Pero ya sabe cuando una puerta se cierra se abre una ventana. No descuide a su familia y sus obligatciones laborales por divertirse. Aunque desearia escaparse debe enfrentar la realidad. Descanse bien esta noche. No es propio de usted sonar despierto. Las fantasias podrian desilusionarle si se aferra demasiado a ellas. Esta noche: Este alerta.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 -December 21)

Facial ticks become contagious by dawn. Spend afternoons naked. Never kiss the first mate and confront only people who are already on the run. Crowding the trough will only make matters worse. If you insist on chewing the cud while I’m talking to you at least have the common decency to do so with your mouth closed. Serbian policemen do not find your jokes amusing. Life is a drum solo. Your authority figure could benefit from a strict diet. A bully may make fun of your kilts on Thursday…She’s just jealous of your calves. Tonight: Rat on a neighbor.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your galactic condition demands medical attention. How do you expect to merge with the cosmos when you’ve run out of gas? There is no name tag on precocious. Identify adverbs before they identify you. Break from tradition…Deposit your welfare check. Detour the impulse to compromise. Take the straight ahead approach in a round and about way. Life builds character…The government builds prisons. Mumble: It’s far more difficult to be taken literally that way. Juris Prudence is not a topless dancer. Tonight: Marvel and hanging plants.

AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 18)

Account for waking hours. Embrace a healthy fiscal philosophy by leaving cash, checks and credit cards at home. Invest in rare meat tins. Avoid respectability through the end of the month. Your future is in your hands but only if you learn to think on your feet. Chances of outsmarting yourself have been exhausted. Common sense is totally out of the question. Planting onions next to roses could make for a tedious harvest. Quality time in the jungle could free you up from chores at the zoo. Tonight: Gin is your cup of tea.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Famine and chain saws just don’t mix. We all need someone we can careen on. The handicapped never asked for all those parking places. Don’t blame them. Blame the feds. Sorry, the catbird seat is taken. Try the peanut gallery. No freeloaders on the gangplank. Fresh horses all around! The gap between your ears will only function with a little practice. Throw it a few scraps and see how it responds. Hyenas understand extended family and creative uses for leftovers. Burn those bridges but watch the hydrocarbons. Tonight: Pole vaulting with a vengeance.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Sagittarius will be bored with your inner secrets. Laughter marks the day’s end. Unfortunately you are the butt of the joke. Be open to processed creativity. Recognize limitations even if they are in disguise. Shake up the status quo…and while you’re at it shake up a pitcher of martinis. Much you believe isn’t confirmed. Much you hear has yet to be said. Never run with scissors but apparently it’s OK with a bayonet. Focus on concrete. It’s far easier to make a chicken coop than a financial coup. Tonight: Flirt with exotic fish.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, palmist, seer, wannabe swami

—Apologies—

We will survive the three-pronged embarrassment suffered by our poorly inoculated editorial staff forcibly escorted out of the Fortune 500 Fish Fry held at the Elves Club last Friday.

*****

Solar Appearance Frightens Hill Tribes

(Puncheon Head) The presence of a “great ball of fire in the sky” this morning has sent local hill tribes scurrying for cover. After three weeks of solid moisture Morningstar Walkingstick, of the Ghete-Bennie Group, said his people had become so accustomed to rainfall that the brightness caught them off-guard.

     “We were concerned that an entire generation might not experience life in the sun,” said Walkingstick, who readers may remember from the popular Coppertone Tanning Oil commercials in the Sixties.

     The medicine man, a powerful chief in the often cannibalistic Ghete-Bennies, explained that most of the adult members had simply accepted the necessity of carrying an umbrella to work and the donning of boots made from ground corn and discarded snow tires.

     “Although the additional wardrobe clashed with our ceremonial getups we seem to have managed well,” he smiled. This is supposed to be high desert but with all this rain we have wash boards on the racetrack and frogs in our wigwams.”

     Meanwhile in other weather-related stories: Melvin O’Toole, executive town manager pro tem of nearby Wimpton has been handed his walking papers due to a daytime fireworks display held over the weekend. The show, generally reserved for after dark, featured almost two hours of fireworks which angered townsfolk in this jerkwater villa (once the summer estate of Giuseppe Garibaldi), perched high above the rocky shores of Peach Valley.

     Toole, who had insisted that the fireworks show (which cost taxpayers almost five thousand dollars) would be intrinsically the same day or night, felt that parking problems and wild animal attacks could be alleviated by a little innovation. Always one to land on his feet, Toole has already accepted a position promoting flu shots for the American Medical Association. – Dinty Moore

On my hope of heaven, you can rest assured that the above copy has been throroughly researched, qualified and distilled at least four times right in front of the olives, cocktail onions, those silly little umbrellas and crushed ice.

From a popular cross-section one might even think that…but au contraire, the world is still here outside my flowered veranda this morning. Everything is just as I left it when I ran out of vermouth last night. Aren’t those are the same mule deer that visited yesterday. Why do they stare at me through my windows? What do they really want? How far are they willing to go to get it?

Where were you the day the alien space ships

first arrived in Grand Junction?

One Too Many Cowboy Poets

A cowboy poet in dungless

pointy-toes had little to say

 but he talked like a real

cowpuncher might talk.

With a twang and a drooped mustache,

every roundup under a big ol’ Stetson,

the drugstore smell of alfalfa

from a Ralph Lauren catalogue

his monogrammed chaps

bull riding in his dreams.

Just  listen as my clever rhymes surrender,

stampede like wild buffalo

unaware that they are bison.

Clinky spurs from Mars

and Saturn’s moony saddles,

in a milky way locale or such,

too far from the workday corral

to be a serious contender.

And the cows think it’s all so very funny

often forgetting

that they are the leather

that holds it all together.

                –  Gabby Haze

“Take a letter to Hitler.” – Joseph Stalin as said to his Commissar for Foreign Affairs, Vyacheslav Molotov, at the onset of Operation Barbarossa, June 22, 1941 when, despite a non-aggression pact, over a million German soldiers invaded the Soviet Union.

School Lunch Menu

Winter Session,  2026

Monday:

Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed

Jerusalem Artichoke Soup

Lobster Cocktail with Pesto

Veal with Blackberry Sauce

Onion Risotto

Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets

Taylor Fladgate (15 year)

Tuesday

Tapas Plate

Roasted Kumamoto Oysters

Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge

Peruvian Potatoes Puree

Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple

Bannanac Cheesecake

Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)

Wednesday

Beetroot salad

Young leeks

Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry

Braised parsnips

Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice

Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours

Martel Cordon Bleu

Thursday

Escargot Pot de Crème

Carpaccio of Cauliflower

Langoustine Ravioli

Skate Cheeks Tempura

Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds

Clotted Cream Éclairs

Flaming Brandy Punch

Friday

Ahi Tuna Nicosian Salad

Pomme Frites with Truffle

Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton

Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise

Tomato Fondue

Chocolate Sorbet

Remy Martin XO

Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo

MILD WEST QUIZ

1. How many Western Slopers does it take to dehorn a heifer? 

a.) One to hold the cow and three to turn the horns.

b.) Three. Two to hold the heifer and four to do the math

c.) None. A heifer sheds her horns every Fourth of July.

2. Why are Colorado towns so far apart?

a.) To keep the sheep out of the corn.

b.) To prevent impulse fist fights between entire communities on Friday nights.

c.) Compared to what?

3. What do you suppose the Colorado Rockies will do with the millions they made this year?

a.) Rebuild Greeley.

b.) Buy washed up pitchers.

c.) Fill chuckholes on Blake Street.

d.) Maintain the status quo

4.) Why does Colorado lie between the 40th Parallel and 36th Parallel?

a.) It’s a a lot better than standing at attention between the 12th Parallel and the 89th Parallel.

b.) Because that’s where the ski areas are located

c.) So as to prevent an invasion of the Wyoming by New Mexican militias.

5.) If a sign in Ridgway reads: “Montrose – 26 miles” and a sign in Montrose says “Ridgway – 28 miles” where are the missing two miles?

a.) At the bottom of Ridgway Reservoir wearing a pair of cement overshoes.

b.) Blame it on the Bossa Nova.

c.) Due to the oblique, semi-contiguous angle of the Colona Bulge it actually is two miles longer going south.

6.) Why didn’t the Ute Nation have house plants before the white man?

a.) They were notorious over-waterers.

b.) Macrame hadn’t been invented yet.

c.) There are no windows in tipis 

7.) How many assault rifles are there on the Western Slope?

a.) Counting Sylvestor Stallone movies?

b.) Just take the number of prairie dogs and multiply by 3.

c.) What’s it to you! Are you with the ATF?

 8.) Why did the long-running San Juan Horseshoe newspaper insist on publishing all year long when it is common knowledge that people don’t start as many fires in the winter?

a.) They are great fish wrappers.

b.) They are great in the litter box.

c.) They kill flies and mosquitos on contact.

9.) Who besides you has bothered to read this far along? 

a.) People who live in glass outhouses.

b.) The police.

c.) The advertisers.

d.) None of the above.

10.) What was the last South Townsend Avenue boot shop to be operated by a Southern Ute?

a.) Chief Jack’s Boots and Waders.

b.) The Spot.

c.) Mighty Moe’s Montrose Moccasin Mecca.

11.) What does the term “dogie” mean to you personally?

a.) What? More heifer jokes?

b.) A person who can’t handle a butter knife without bloodshed.

c.) You mean that one “in the window”.

12.) What is a telemark?

a.) A fashionable mole popular in the Roaring Twenties.

b.) Someone who’s sucked in by a phone solicitation.

c.) A three-winged nut used in the construction of deer fence.

13.) Complete the following: “If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t ____.”

a.) A cowboy.

b.) A-gonna need the hat.

c.) shit.

14.) Who was Dutch Charlie?

a.) The bastard son of Flemish Charley’s third wife, Thelma Victoria.

b.) Inventor of the cast iron biscuit.

c.) A sultry cross-dressing flag girl on the Blue Creek Canyon project.

15.) Why are there so many real estate offices in Colorado?

a.) Because everybody can’t cook.

b.) Because everybody can’t bartend.

c.) Send for a free brochure.

16.) How did all the hot springs get hot?

a.) Geothermal intercourse.

b.) What’s the damn difference?

c.) Only your hairdresser knows for sure.

-Srs. Bauxite and Balderstern

ANSWERS TO QUIZ

1.-b, 2-b, 3-c, 4-a, 5-a, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-b, 10-b, 11-c, 12-b, 13-b, 14-c, 15-b, 16-c, 17-a, 18-b, 19-c, 20-c, 21-b. Give yourself 5 points for each correct answer and 4 points for every incorrect answer. Add your number of points and divide by 32 anyway.

Bonus overtures

*Is it better to say a Uruguayan or an Uruguayan?

*Can one bring his guns into heaven?

Grammar Lesson #611

Colonel Sanders May Have Harbored Slaves prior to Vicksburg  

a.) Might have  b.) could have had   c.) would have had  (Choose one)

Voting booth truth:

Why did you vote the way you voted?

a. Grandpa voted this way

b. “I’m against socialism in all forms. My Social Security check arrives today. Let’s go to town.”

c “If I vote for Democrats we’ll all be living in Red China  

d. “The Republicans better represent wealthy liars like me.”

Surprise Essay Question: What is journalistic hyperbole?

Which reference is more creditable?

a. according to undisclosed sources close to the investigation

b. according to persons familiar with these undertakings

c. according to multiple reports

d. along the lines of an already decoded manuscript

A bamboozler is

a a cinch to hold and carry lengths of bamboo

b a Southeast Asian cocktail

c a shyster

d someone who harvests bamboo on a juniper plantation

Are you really an American? Then how many of these questions can you answer correctly. 

1. To what does Tagalog refer

2. What do Cuba, Hawaii, The Philippines, California and Puerto Rico have in common?

3. What is the “best country in the world”?

In what language was the New Testament written?

a. American   b. French  c. Arabic  d. Greek  e. Italian

What is a Fandango?

What is the difference between Impetuousness and perfidious?

True or False?

The King James Bible was the most popular read of the Scots-Irish on the mountain frontier of the United States not because it was the most interesting or entertaining but because it was usually the only book they had in their homes. 

Very few strip mall churches existed in Bethlehem at the time of King Herod.

Bonus Knowledge Test #611: Define dowager, peacock envy, schadenfreude

Colona County Line

The line itself gets a little blurry around here this time of the year with the colors changed back to winter mode and the politicians staying red or blue. In fact there’s been quite a bit of repetition of late…I swear I saw that same Bronco game last September that I watched Sunday afternoon and the third cutting of hay looks a lot like the first. It all seems melancholy enough in the fall and then somebody turns out the lights at 6:30 instead of 9:30. Who takes responsibility for that? Nobody.

Despite these distractions we will persevere, since the other choice is stagnation, that is more appropriate for January. Sure, we’ve all sought help through mainstream support groups but The Power Of Now will not run a chain saw or charge my cell phone. And losing 50 pounds before Christma will not keep the Yuletide boogieman from hiding in that dark closet or under the bed at night. As much as we hate to drag reality into this formula: slapping a white pearly toothpaste smile on one’s mug will not create instant happiness. However, turning off your TV will increase your IQ substantially.

Earlier this month Ridgway held its first ever Grit Days, which, according to chamber members from Southern California, was quite a success even though the promised return of John Wayne didn’t quite materialize. Many residents of Colona made the dangerous drive (Highway 550) into Ridgway to take part in the festivities, and to meet John Wayne again, despite the fact that the World Series of Towing was held the same weekend over on Telluride. We hope the organizers of Grit Days will hold the event each year in September. Maybe John will make back someday. Maybe they could get Gabby Hayes to stand in until that time.

According to the web page at the Utah based Friends of Arachnids, Colorado is still the spider capital of North America narrowly edging out Salento, Colombia in the eighth leg of the competition. According to the study some 562,992-spider sightings were recorded in Colorado while Salento reported seeing only about 300,000 spiders. One proud Billy Creek entomologist said it best: “We may not have fleas, or poisonous snakes or chiggers or vampire bats, but we damn sure have spiders and moose.”

It just isn’t easy living out this far, in Colona. If I’ve heard that once, I’ve heard it 100 times…but out far from what? Ridgway is only 15 miles while Montrose is but 10. These two communities offer anything a person could ever be told he needed or imagine needing. In fact these days these two pretender small towns offer a little too much for some of us. Colona is perfect unless one seriously needs to order a pizza, get a haircut, spend the night in jail, pick up The New York Times or mail a letter.

Hello. I’d like to order a pizza delivered to Colona. No way, Bozo.

All over the county things have returned to normal after another lucrative tourist season, with less stress on the sewage treatment facilities and fewer car alarms going off in the middle of the night. Here in Colona the chronic shortage of smaller size hats that has plagued the marketplace all summer is no longer critical due to the termination of summer season. The demand for the tiny hat sizes, this time in blaze orange, is expected to go up again come hunting season, and merchants here promise that they will be ready.

Oh, and by the by the World Series of Towing was won by Rahshan Larry Kleenex of No Name, Colorado with a perfect score of 112. Kleenex actually hauled 13 cars and 4 pickups to Cortez without the aid of anti-depressants. See you iin the funny papers

  Trotsky Resurfaces In Miami

Leon Trotsky, former Commie bigwig believed dead since the 1930s, has been identified at a Miami Laundromat where he gave a fiery speech on the evils of capitalism and static cling while his boxer shorts were drying. Local authorities, tipped off to his presence by a Ukrainian dryer mechanic, arrived late on the scene missing the wild-eyed revolutionary who had been searching for “a shrimp boat to Managua” earlier that same morning.

“We suspect some kind of commie money laundering operation is in the works,” puffed a detective. “All of the evidence is not in but let’s just say Mr. Trotsky was “washing” more than his shorts.”

Meanwhile in Managua, President Daniel Ortega has condemned the Trump Administration for what he calls “provocative intrusions into the perimeter of a sovereign nation”. Ortega says the United States has employed mononuclear drone snowplows in the mountainous areas near Estelí where the last reported dusting was back in 1915.

In a curt response, a State Department spokesperson denied any knowledge of drones saying that if any mononuclear devices were sent to Nicaragua it was due to a foul up within the purchasing department over at the CIA.

“We don’t talk and the CIA doesn’t share much information with the FBI or the Administration,” she continued. “The House doesn’t send sensitive information to the Senate and the Pentagon keeps tight wraps on classified documents in its vault. The NSA is concerned as to possible leaks in the IRS and refuses to return phone calls. The CIA does not trust the competency of the FBI and the CIA is afraid that the FBI will micro-manage data and thus expose long nurtured international contacts. That’s how we maintain strict control.”

None of the agencies cared to comment on how and why Trotsky was in Miami, if it fact in was even Trotsky at all.

– Small Mouth Bess

     

ROCKY SOUP

The San Juan Horseshoe will close from November 2 through May 30 so that our staff can devote our full time to feeding the birds that have just arrived back here from South and Central America. We regret any inconvenience to our reader. See you in October!

Hippie Hay by the bag or the bale. You pick it and save $$$$$. Wavy Salsa the Groove, Placerville.

Horizontal Tango lessons over the weekend. Improve your social life while you dance your cares away. Montevideo Grange Hall.

Will the bureaucrats who have attempted to sabotage Main in Motion please turn themselves in for re-educational procedures. Bring only your personal belongings and toothbrush. Nightly classes available through Memorial Day. Blind Box 45, Horseshoe.

Tile and Castor Fashionable Hatters. Furs, Misses’ Bonnets, Gentlemen’s hair pieces. Three or more Elk Avenue locations to serve you. Open 24 hours. Extended hours on weekends. Bring in your towing receipt for a 10% discount on any purchase.

Will the cute snowmaker I met at the bottom of Teocali Lift in March please contact Gwen in Dallas before I get married again. Sorry about what I said regarding irresponsible lifestyles. I’d really like to make it up to you if you get my snow drift. You have my number and I’ve got yours. Love…

Your local Pumpkinville Store features fresh goods from the east. Gewgaws for girls. Tomfooleries for boys. Fancies for women. Substantials for men. Main Street. Tzaddi Sharpeye, proprietor.

Need: Creative mechanic to change the oil on my cows at least every 3,000 miles. Free pasture. Vegetarian preferred. Cowboy Earl MacAdoo, Tomichi Creek.

Ms. Bonnetlove, Milliner-at-Large. Fashions for the big hearted and other considerations. Parisian style, American taste. Exquisite contour isn’t our middle name but it should be. Walk west from the center of town. Look for our new location in some indiscrete condo at the new Snodgrass Subdivision.

Watch World Handball Highlights every night and on Tuesdays. Dial KBUT 90.3 on your FM dial.

S & M enthusiast seeks takeover of S & L, ASAP. I can’t wait forever. Call me PDQ.

The Gunnison County Dump 1996 Film Series proudly presents Fatal Compaction through the month of December. Serious film aficionados are requested to bring along a bag of trash and something to go with it. Cash bar.

Homestead 40 and 80 acre plots in the Iraqi. That’s right! It appears to be insect free! Deals like this won’t be around for long. Catastrophe Realty of Colona. Look for the giant camel or ask your lip operator.

Mildly psychotic mountain man/hermit seeks well rounded lady to act as sultry soul mate for summer, possibly fall, at 10,500 feet. When it finally thaws you can go or stay at your own discretion. Former advertising executive. I enjoy picnics with no one there, strolls in the middle of the street at midnight, cheap wine, boating accidents, small grass fires. Send resume and bank statement to Buddy Dharma in Ophir.

Protect yourself from freezing car seats next winter with Red’s Thigh Protector. $19.95 in your grocer’s freezer. Maximum strength for maximum comfort. You can count on Red even if he can’t count to ten. Slightly higher above the 104th latitude.

COLONIAL POWERS, totalitarian investors, benevolent dictators, international terrorists, broken-down monarchs, soldiers of fortune: Put your experience to work for you with a Sovereign Equity Loan from Gunga Din Savings and Loan. Clients include Gregori Rasputtin, Oliver Cromwell, Dick Cheney, Leonid Brezhnev, Spiro Agnew, Augusto Pinochet, Pol Pot and many others. Not affiliated with the Bit-Coin White House. We guarantee 4%. You guarantee the rest!

Gabby Hayes Month in Ridgway has been rescheduled since we lost Gabby. If anyone finds him please return to Stinking Carcass Ranch for a small reward. He’s a little fella with a beard and no teeth. No locals will be substituted.

Need: Competent first baseman for local water and sewer softball team. Must be comfortable scooping up short hops and should be willing to contribute at the plate. No tropical engineers.

Disclaimer: Ward’s Curious Elixir has never claimed and will never claim to cure boozer’s proboscis, general impotence, sagebrush fever, puppy breath, the gout, scurvy, stupidity or weekend flatulence. Ask for Ward’s Elixir: The one that celebrities prefer!

Are strangers using your toothbrush? Dial 9 and hold it.

Write off your beer gut! Claim your bag lunch as a dependent! Wash cars for extra cash! Pay bills with penny candy! Use government bathrooms without a pass! Tax shelters of all kinds! Keep the Big Bad Wolf in Canada where he belongs! Three Little Pigs Accounting and Historic Restoration. Please foreign customers: Specify straw, sticks or bricks with your initial order. Turn left at the Wimpton Vomitorium Annex and look up.

Needed: Talented thespian willing to play Granny and/or Mr. Drysdale in the summer production of “The Beverly Hillbillies Take Newark”. Contact the Crested Butte Mountain Theater. We will be announcing the audition results for Ellie May/Jethro in October.

Examine Premier Lookout’s remedy for vain disturbers of the peace, night rings and wholly incorrigible pranksters. Prompt – Penetrating – Physical. No more sleepless episodes for the faithful. Send $10 in Canadian silver to Melvin Toole at the Bismarck Surf and Racquet Club.

Willing to trade steam-powered axle revolver and carrying case for Madonna’s underwear. Eagersmith Rupert, Cedaredge.

Old, wet, molding copies of the Rocky Mountain News featuring such headlines as “Broncos Win Super Bowl”, “EPA Comes Down on Trumpies” and “DIA Up and Running” just $400 per pound while supplies last. Gus the Scavenger, Olathe Hen Houses Inc.. February Special: Trout Lips: 2 for $3.

Suffering from acute claustrophobia? Don’t miss the Ouray to Telluride Mine Tour. Every Saturday morning after the cartoons are over. Buses leaving Silverton and Lake City every half hour. Standing room only. Wanda Wanna, Heavy Mental Health Department, Idarado Station.

Photographers seek to get in touch with darker sides. Have massive enlarger, wish to locate appropriate space for quality darkroom in return for photo services/co-op. Marginal nudity. We are professional photographers. Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.

Bright energetic hostess needed for capon sessions. Must have own car and cutlery. Ima Hostess, Ltd., Mañana, CO.

Professional Bunjy Jumping above Norwood Hill. Every other Thursday at dusk for just $55 per jump. Just show up with flimsy umbrella and in sneakers. We’ll do the rest.

Now available on cassette and compact disc! “Voices From the Cattle Truck”, the documented chronicle of bovine exploitation in America as told by the cows themselves. Cassette $12.99, CD $17.99. Box ZZZ, Montrose, CO 81402.

Do you have the ability to rhyme one syllable words and yet say absolutely nothing? You can make millions as a rock/reggae lyricist! Send $99 for our free booklet today. Cash OK. Send to Rock & Roll Fantasy, 237 Elmwood Drive, Centerville, Ohio 45459.

New from the people who brought you the Hawaiian Shirt Body Suit and the Backless Turtleneck! End the fear of an open fly in public! Avoid the pitfalls of roaming hands and insincere motives with the Digital Beep Unisex Zipper Alarm. For sale everywhere compliments of Infield Fly Inc., clothing and accessories for the mass neurosis. Batteries slightly extra.

According to the current Colorado state map the town of Chivington is listed while the town of Sand Creek is not. Are they the same town? Anyone with information on this should write Massacres and Things, Ghost Dance Lodge, Marvel, CO 81329.

LOST: Large ape at the Lion’s Circus in Montrose. Please return him as he is an aspiring politician. He has arms and often considered himself dangerous when he was younger.

Erase bad credit easily. Call Mr. Tavalachi at 800-BAD-RISK. We will return your call after dark. No charge for initial consultation.

Mona: We met at a Guns and Roses Concert in 1983. Yeah, I’m the overweight guy that knocked you to the pavement when the ticket window finally opened. Boy, I’d sure like to see you again – Matthew, Wimpton Ant Farms.

Are you a Haitian boat person with reasonably good credit? You could qualify for a HUD loan. Call us today and we’ll explain your options as a recent arrival to the land of horns and plenty. Caribbean Mountain Real Estate. Springfield’s finest. We’re in the Jello Pages.

Will trade tickets to Barbara Streisand/Iron Maiden Concert for small caliber handgun. Blind Box 444, Horseshoe.

101-year-old virgin seeks cute, spunky, financially secure lifelong companion. Box 4, Horseshoe.

The broken English version of “Crawfish May Not Hold the Secret to Eternal Life But They Damn Sure Gonna Keep My Belly Together Through the Bayou Tonight” and other poems by Boudreaux Boudreaux Grand Chenier now available at the Blindman Bookstore in Gunnison.

ED’S LIVER AND ONION WAGON is back from Arizona and will be serving the region at the following locales throughout the summer: Mondays: Ouray; Tuesdays: Crested Butte; Wednesdays: Closed; Thursdays: Norwood; Fridays: Gunnison; Saturdays: Montrose; Sundays: Rico. Sorry but we are no longer shipping to Saguache, Placerville or Creede until the Free Trade Agreement is signed. Persons interested in transporting goods over county lines are responsible for their own permits and/or licensing whenever pulled over by authorities.

How do the Rockies spell relief? Wrong. Bullpen chaplain needed for women’s expansion baseball team. Send particulars to the Denver Omelets.

Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the summer season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.

Found: Pair of full figure panty-hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.

Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (6/30/26).

Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.

HEREFORD-POODLE MIX PUPS. Should be excellent cow dogs. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon.

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Results of Survey

We asked our readers which story from the most recent posts was most meaningful in terms of sociological impact and overall benefit to the community. When the results poured in many aspects of our efforts were still quite unclear. Nonetheless 51% of the respondents said the story about Bart the Magic Cow Learns to Drive was most socially redeeming while another 22% said they enjoyed the piece entitled Broncos Offer to Pay For New Stadium, Saving Taxpayers Millions. Rounding out the action we saw that 8% liked the Manana city council potato salad recipe best and 3% thought the story on JD Vance in the National Guard was tops. Of no surprise to our veteran editorial staff, a vocal, though, significant percentage of our readers (16%) felt that the press release on common foot disorders had the most impact and was easily the most educational. We list this statistic last because, in truth, we didn’t write it. Thanks to all who responded.

(Editor’s note: The Boyhood of Donald Trump story did not finish well due in part to a fact check unveiling countless lies and factual manipulations that even satire cannot mask.)

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COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2026

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