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This is the San Juan Horseshoe
This is the San Juan HorseshoeAffordable reading for Western Colorado
and the rest of the planet since 1977.
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Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our high altitude stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in political emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.
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Featuring in-depth, introspective news stories written by people who weren’t there either.
This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Luang Prabang wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a naughty Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!
As with all endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. Thank you for letting us drink expensive whiskey and sleep late in the golden years.
Failed stand-up comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.
Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).
No hen or stag parties will be tolerated on week nights (Strictly enforced)
Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com
SNOWPACK HOROSCOPE
(General Kashmir Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of the reader’s very cosmic worth. Once again we are marginally remorseful if anyone is offended, emasculated, dethroned, warped or otherwise uprooted by these candid evaluations from the heart.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
What is green and slimy, grows in ditches and rhymes with your birth sign? Control your ego before someone else controls it. Your family will appreciate a long overdue trip to the East Coast especially since they are in Nevada. You will never live down the fact that you voted for Walter Mondale in 1984…and twice in 1985.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Your inability to burn bridges is closely related to your stunted comprehension of the phenomenon called fire. Try rubbing two sticks together. Attempts at coming out of the closet may suffer a severe setback since you cannot locate the door. An occasionally closed mind is better than continually opened wallet. From all apparent star charts this is a good time to change your oil. Tonight: It’s not a mortal sin unless you enjoy it.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Your thirst for knowledge and information places you at the library in the morning and the bar in the afternoon. What you do in the evening is your own business. Talking out of both sides of your mouth can cause tooth decay. Steer clear of risky ventures such as getting up out of bed. Watch for ankle bites when walking all over subordinates on the job. If socializing isn’t your cup of tea, try gin instead.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It may be quite difficult to distinguish between your public life and your private life since both are void of content. You are as sturdy as an oak, as flowing as a willow, as graceful as a palm and as resilient as a cottonwood. Keep an eye out for impetuous, well-watered dogs. Taurus types find it difficult to express their love with words since most have grown mute in the political climate. Try flash cards or a megaphone.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Subordinates exhibit a strong desire to cut your heart out through the mid-afternoon. Exposing yourself to danger is not illegal unless your trench coat is particularly suggestive. Embrace all creeds and religions equally as the world can always use a good cloistered kosher television evangelist in the event of a holy war. If you insist on planting onions don’t expect to harvest roses. You may feel intense emotional pressure as the Sun, Mercury and Venus align with Belize and leave you up north.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Strive to be realistic when you assess situations. Don’t worry, there is little or no chance that you will outsmart yourself. Significant achievements are possible today but insignificant ones are far more likely. Mindless struggles could jeopardize that space between your ears. Obtain inner peace by exercising chronic stupidity. If persons with whom you are involved today have a different philosophy than yours, shoot them in the knee.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your very own mid-life crisis began at 14 and could extend into the Golden Years. Purchase a hot bicycle and a fire engine red RV. Your sense of humor is quite keen today when one considers the fact that you rarely get it. Stock up on Meow Mix as the end is in sight. Spend more time in the jungle and less at the zoo. In order to function as a leader it is imperative that you find someone dumb enough to follow.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Strive for consistency. Start off each day with 50 little sit-ups and end it with a large pepperoni pizza. Overindulgence is sure to create more of you than meets the wide-angle lens. Follow this simple rule: If you can still get through the door, go ahead and eat some more. What rhymes wiith fat and has a long tail? You may be buoyed by the waters of life or drowned in its adjacent cesspools. Leave your mental cobwebs in place. At least they fill the void.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
It is good advice to look before you leap even though the clock is ticking. Staring at another’s mate could result in clouded vision by the time the ball is over. Keep your complexion clear and your dance card booked. Your eyes are the storm window to your soul. While waiting for the proverbial drum roll you may be inclined to blow your own horn. Get your lip into it.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Solving career problems are likely to result in an excess of tedious recreational time to fill. Avoid respectability and it will avoid you. Don’t horse around while bringing in the sheep. If you plan to win the lottery you’ve got to plunk down a dollar or two for the little tickets. If at first you don’t succeed try transcendental rationalization. It’s tough to see the rainbow at the end of the storm with your head in the sand.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
You may achieve a higher level of popularity than others in your peer group since the lab is fresh out of rats. Place your fate in your own hands today by learning to think on your feet. The fact that the common house fly can survive the winter should serve as a classic motivation to creatures such as you. If you intend to lose your temper why not do so for good. Common sense in the wrong hands can be frightening at best.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Before swinging into action today be sure to check your position on the rope. Performing without a net could result in temporary euphoria followed by an emotional letdown. Your quixotic fervor could get you in dutch with influential windmills. A positive life style begins not with the handle bars but with the rhythm of the pedals. The difference between a career as a rock and roll star and one as a government clerk could be your toothpaste. Always keep one eye fixed on the ceiling and the other nailed to the floor.
-Kashmir Horseshoe, Astrological Cavalry
“Read it while you drive!”
—Apologies—
Editor’s note: We will survive the three-pronged embarrassment suffered by our poorly inoculated editorial staff forcibly escorted out of the Fortune 500 Fish Fry held at the Elves Club last Friday.
Colona County Line
…and in turn, she taught me to roll my tongue while I fabricated power points of the sensuous English letter W…as the dusk settled and a sultry evening awaited the unprocessed….Oh hell. Caught again. Moonlighting is better than sunstroke.
The bottom line itself gets a little blurry this time of the year with the colors subsiding and the glad-handing politicians burrowing in for another term. They care about you. Just ask them. In fact there’s been quite a bit of bare tree bullshit flowing of late…Is life mindlessly repeating itself? I swear I saw the same Bronco game last November that I watched Sunday afternoon and the last cutting of hay looks a lot like the first. It’s melancholy enough in the fall and then somebody blows out the candles at 6:00 instead of 8:30.
Despite these distractions we will persevere, since the other choice is stagnation, that is certainly more appropriate for January. Sure, we’ve all sought help through mainstream support groups but The Power Of Now will not run a chain saw or charge my cell phone. A new haircut and the loss of 20 pounds will not keep that boogieman blind date from hiding in the closet or under the bed at night. As much as we hate to drag reality into this formula: slapping a white pearly toothpaste smile on one’s mug will not create instant happiness. However, turning off your TV will increase your IQ substantially.
Earlier this month Ridgway held its first ever Grit Days, which, according to chamber members from Southern California, was quite a success even though the promised return of phony hero John Wayne didn’t quite materialize. Many residents of Colona made the long drive into Ridgway to take part in the festivities, and to meet John Wayne again, despite the fact that the World Series of Towing was held the same weekend over on Cahone. We hope the organizers of official Grit Days Cowboy Costume event will hold the celebration every year. Just remember that Stetsons don’t do well in moth balls.
According to the web page at the Utah based Friends of Arachnids, Colorado is still the spider capital of North America narrowly edging out Sonora, Mexico in the eighth leg of the competition. According to the study some 562,992-spider sightings were recorded in Colorado while Sonora reported seeing only about 400,000 spiders. One proud Billy Creek entomologist said it best: “We may not have fleas, or poisonous snakes or chiggers or vampire bats, but we damn sure have spiders.”
It just isn’t easy living out this far, in Colona. If I’ve heard that once, I’ve heard it 100 times…but out far from what? Ridgway is only 15 miles while Montrose is but 10. These two communities offer anything a person could ever need or imagine needing. In fact these days these two pretender small towns offer a little too much for some of us. Colona is perfect unless one seriously needs to order a pizza, get a haircut, spend the night in jail, pick up The New York Times or buy stamps. There is no local gov’ment but there is a well-stocked liquor store.
Hello. I’d like to order a mushroom and anchovy pizza delivered to Colona. No way, Bozo.
All over the county things have returned to the new normal after another overdone tourist season, with less stress on the sewage treatment facilities and fewer car alarms going off in the middle of the night.
CARRY ME BACK TO OL’ COLONA
(sung to the tune of “Moonlight on the Monongahela”)
Despite wind-driven, soil samples of Utah (dust to dust) coating my living room and a handful of broken-hearted Chileans who still believe I am the first-cousin (on my mother’s side) of Ambrosio O’Higgins (the Great Liberator), life crawls on. Here in Colona the wind is blowing and the traffic on 550 is burgeoning for our own little hillbilly rush hour.
While sipping the best coffee in the world in the plaza I tell my Colombian friends about Colona and the San Juans, the Elks and Grand Mesa but they still think I live in My Own Private Miami since television accounts for their knowledge of our culture.
THEY WOULDN’T LISTEN
Two years ago in this very column an alarm was sounded as to the increase in traffic over Grog Hill Mesa through Colona and on to Montrose from Telluride. I suggested a toll road, the sensible, obvious, most direct solution to the problem. Nobody paid any attention and now look what we have – a constant parade of non-waver traffic that interrupts the cosmic flow and frightens the livestock!
We need your support on this very sensitive matter. Tolls would only be levied on people residing outside Ouray County who think Colona is some latter day Hooterville. Nobody said it was going to be easy. I for one am Voting a solid “Maybe” on Amendment 101.
At least our boycott of Chinese-made goods survived the apathy of winter. Please join us in not buying products made in China. Due to our stance Colona has already been dropped from the roster of potential UNESCO World Heritage Centers but we don’t give a damn. While you’re at it, why not boycott clothing made in Third World sweat shops and the mega-outlets where it is sold in the United States. Why any thinking person would walk around with the logo of some corporation on his or her overpriced garment remains a mystery.
And for the marginally concerned: Here in Colona the chronic shortage of smaller size hats that has plagued the marketplace all summer is no longer critical. Sales were diminished even though there were plenty of buyers rolling through town. The demand for the tiny hat sizes, this time in blaze orange, jumped skyward again come hunting season, and merchants here promise that they won’t be left with their pants down next year.
Oh, and by the by the World Series of Towing was won by Rahshan Larry Kleenex of No Name, Colorado with a perfect score of 112. Kleenex actually hauled 13 cars and 4 pickups to Cortez without the aid of anti-depressants. See you in the mirror.
Here are some mighty thoughts and local headlines:
Not much news here, but we’ll make every effort to frighten you anyway.
GOP leader says: The Democrats’ Controversial NO TV in February Ban – experiment in productivity by state – is really a clandestine move in a sinister plot to take your guns.
Planet Earth is the ultimate example of bipolar behavior – There is no sense to it but it is damn well systematic. Spinning. More spinning on the axis of inconsistency. The concept of “aggravated gravity” summoned from deep beneath Earth’s inner core. Watch out! Your money won’t save you from this one.
Readers write: How does one manage “getting all katywompus” on demand?
When will the nation undresses the embarrassing lack of public toilets in US – with ascending ages and virus precautions…”You can tell a lot about a culture by the way it treats its bladders,” according to one incumbent latrine commissioner:
“Of all the ham-handed, butter-fingered, tight fisted, limp- wrist, thumb-nosing platitudes…buried deep in the dark, hidden vaults of fuel-saving carburetors and cures for cancer this lack of priority takes the urinal cake. Have we no respect for local flora? 
New Study indicates: Cookies and milk not good before bed- Fat, phlegm, digestion, sugar, premature silliness all add up to poor sleep. You were lied to again like with Dr Pepper, Velveta cheese Jimmy Dean sausage and World War I. Remember: An alternative cookies and milk ensemble can be made from recycled cardboard and hearts of sagebrush. Nutritionists say it represents the daily allowance of roughage and is so much easier to digest.
FLASH! County urban planners have found no connection whatsoever in the diminished police presence and the recent closure of a stalwart Colona donut enterprise in Ouray County’s Third Economic Zone.
The United States Department of Transportation has no plans to bring back the railroad despite all the diplomatic wind and talk of revamping the domestic infrastructure.
In Sports Excess: The Fighting Capons have again castigated the hapless Colona hurling squad. Often downtrodden due to the lack of corporate sponsorship in the backwater of the county the team has now come under the scrutiny of three coaches who fall short of calling foul…or even fowl. Harshly criticizing The Fighting Capons, winners of the Pre-Minstrel League, were sports figures from Billy Jean McQueen to Harv Stoneberry who pledged never again to play out “overtly dramatic and tedious henhouse matches” with the Capons.
Gateway Man Accused of Selling Submarine Secrets to Red Chinese He’s been under a lot of financial pressure since the news surfaced that his formerly lauded great grandfather who lost his entire command as well as a chest of medals and his flumed canteen during a skirmish with French irregulars near Djibouti in 1940, had terminated his extortionate trust fund as of March 2025. Later this entire episode will be translated during to a series of painful ankle bites allegedly received from a person of interest on the dance floor while the band played “A Horse is a Horse”.
And what’s this? A note (sans perfume) slipped under my door just now “Land the plane Mel…Land the damn plane.” I’ll just file it with the mounds of fan mail we received each week. Now where did I leave my morning panatella?
Indications are that 5th Columnist Yoke animals longingly await the coming of space creatures “Things couldn’t be much worse” many conclude. Conspiracy theories abound within embracing pastoral superstitions. You drive by and watch them eating grass all day. Sure they are. You think they spend the whole day bent over like that just eating? They are decoding messages from outer space, stupid.
Classic Recipe for Grilled Capybara Misplaced but speaking of consumption … It’s either cow or car. Future choices will include the rejection of basic staples of our lives. Does this mean fossil fuel or red meat?
*****
On my hope of heaven, you can rest assured that the above copy has been throroughly researched, qualified and distilled at least four times right in front of the cocktail onions and crushed ice.
From a cross-section of the above stories: One might even think that…but au contraire, the world is still here outside my flowered veranda this morning. Aren’t those are the same mule deer that visited yesterday. What do they really want? How far are they willing to go to possess it?
Bonus question:
Peewits: They are a subfamily of medium-sized wading birds which also includes the plovers and dotterels. The Vanellinae are collectively called lapwings but also contain the ancient red-kneed dotterel. A lapwing can be thought of as a larger plover.
Enjoy disjointed rambling? Be sure to peruse Beyond Ignorance a new book by Melvin Bedwetter-Toole who examines a stimulating world opening up to those who nurture and embrace personal ignorance. Sequel to Beyond Stupid and Beyond Intergalactic Racism…In bookstores this month!
And before we retire to rum’s romper room: A Special Welcome is extended to rash brigands, gelded corsairs, entitled drugstore privateers and their fleeced entourages, bit-in-mouth, intent on the spoils of a no quarter black flag cruise.
Acknowledgments : None at this time.
Metamorphic stew
NOW OPEN: Manana Invitation Only Cafe & Tanning deck. Sushi bar. Putting green. Cribs. Be seen this holiday season. Reservations. Downtown next to Clear View Rendering.
100 gin drinkers needed for psychological testing regarding lime diseases. Dr. Hemplemanner. Box Y, Horseshoe.
Who and where is former Vice President Danny Quayle?
Fishwasher needed for evening shift. Minimum waves. Must show ability to stay under water for at least an hour. No tadpoles. Flipper’s Steak House, Saguache.
Need: Person handy with math to double-check our computers. Approximately two hours per week. Good pay. Who’s On First National Bank, Wimpton Branch.
For sale: Quality wet suit left in dryer too long. Should fit small child or could be used as cool beach lampshade or to punish overly amorous surfers. Buy at significantly reduced price. You won’t be sorry and if you are we don’t care.
For sale: Historic Folsom House in Rico. Would make great brothel. Catastrophe Realty across from Rico Pawn.
Will subdivide free standing 1955 Chevrolet with deck and full basement. Driven only to church and to bingo. Some rust but runs good. Lots of doors and windows. Exposed beams, breakfast nookie, four-seven separate entrances, no overnight pets. Guest room in back. AM-FM Radio, wooded lot. Needs new roof and tires. Like new but old. Catastrophe Motors across from Mattie’s, Manana Mall.
WARNING TO SURFERS: If I see any of you slimy bastards on my property after dark I’ll blast you all to the hereafter. Mr. Green Jeans, Pitkin
The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club will hold a beard growing contest on August 1, 2027. Anyone wishing to participate should show up at the Leaning Rock at 8 am sharp.
If you’re from Oklahoma or Texas and you WERE NOT in Crested Butte or Ouray, Colorado on July Fourth dial 9. Free prizes. Some assorted cash rewards. Stock in start ups. Cannabis gift bags.
Quality guano by the pound or pickup load. Call Batman. Outlets in Gotham City, East Hampton, Telluride, West Palm Beach. Guaranteed fresh.
Hee Haw remake for Ratflix now bankrolled. Looking for actors and stunt personnel. Also searching for 100 pairs of denim overalls at 1965 prices.
Almost new two-ton dumpster. Only driven to church and grocery once a week. Could be transformed into all-terrain combat vehicle or would make a nice planter. Will consider trade for ant farm or female mannequins. Sidney, Ft. Sapinero Junction, CO.
Red: If you want your eggs sunnyside up you have to specify sunnyside up or you’ll get wilting pancakes and a good morning kick in the pants -Irma.
«MDBO»Lost: Keys to new BMW at Affordable Housing Seminar. Forward to Coyote Brother, Chase Manhattan Bank Building, Suite A, NYC.
STOP EATING HOT DOGS IN JUST TEN DAYS! SEND $40 for free brochure. Jimmy Bakker (Consortium) Convict #88296, Great Southern Reformatory, Whited Sepulcher, TN.
Attention: Orphans, homeless children and assorted street rabble. You can come out now. The wicked witch is gone! Earth Summit Security, Rio de Janeiro.
Nice cabin with washer and dryer at the bottom of Blue Mesa Reservoir. Privacy, wildlife, great fishing. Owner will finance by the gallon. See Gwen at Vulcan Realty. Wear your diving gear for an extra 10% off.
Gain College Credit for exhibiting bad judgement, following poorly conceived approaches and dwelling on senseless whims. University of Downtown Delta…In stride with you for the future!
Did you get sunburned at the Telluride Bluegrass Festival back in June? Sue the town! Contact Telluride Bluegrass Festival in Boulder, Attention: Legal Department. We are lawyers and can help you with a settlement. Notice: Persons taking legal action due to rain at last year’s event should show proof of deep breathing techniques and a current breaststroke certificate.
Mule(s) needed for moonlighting at Old Maid Mine. Confederate scale. Paid vacation. See Shrimp Masterson in Ouray.
Breakfast trailer. $1200 firm. Includes sunnyside toaster porch, juicer and instant coffee maker. New gravel. Possible trade for light lunch or tasteful buffet. Marlo, Gunnison.
Morning sickness got you down? Don’t get up. A message from the AMA and the Insurance Industry.
Will trade heated ice chest for toilet seat helmet. Blind Box 4, Crawford.
Make perfume from crushed sagebrush? Too good to be true? If we can grow orange trees in Grand Junction we can damn well squeeze a couple of bottles of cheap perfume out of a field of sagebrush. Pinon nut stews, coffee ground facials, miraculous marshmallow dolls, button-down philosophies, homespun tails, phobias exposed. Warren of Wexley, Ridgway and Pea Green.
Auto restorations by Phillip Morris. We can turn your Cadillac into a Ford pickup or your family station wagon into a Alpha Romeo. Don’t believe me? Stop by our Nuclear Meltdown Facility at the Wimpton Power Plant or call us in the JELLO PAGES.
Learn to make delicious jerky out of poorly thought out approaches and harebrained schemes. Box 45, Horseshoe.
ADOPT A HIGHWAY. For just pennies a day you can feed an orphan highway! “We” send you pictures of your highway and progress reports. Hey, it’s easier than getting a pet. AND up to ten percent of the money (automatically taken out of your checking account each day) will go toward improving your chosen highway. The remainder will go to administrative costs. Contact Charlie Chuckhole, Colorado Department of Highways, Ramah, CO 80832.
Sell real estate by the hour, week or month. Call any broker.
Volunteers needed now for jury duty, recycling, poll sitting, pancake flipping, fireworks administration and dog catching. Unemployment Lounge.
Are you an angry old fart that is forced to work at a local miniature golf course and deal with children? Counseling is available and so is a vengeful two- by-four.
Classic uptight piano with nervous bench. $400. Buy it today and we’ll throw in schizophrenic lamp, neurotic tapestries, hyperactive ceiling fan and compulsive couches. Emotionally Disturbed Furniture Warehouse in Hesperus Spires.
Elderly couple needed to fill parental roll until children are out of college. Box 54, Cimarron.
Experienced executioner needed for weekend shift at Texas Penitentiary. Send resume and hood size to our Waco Ventures. EOE.
FOR LEASE. 1929 Henway for hay season. 900-888-9084. No phone calls please as I work nights and my sister is asleep in the other room.
Wanted: Man to farm vacant lots in downtown Ridgway. Must be able to distinguish between male and female plants and understand complexities involved in watering and fertilization. Will split crop in fall. Hemp Growers Cooperative #677, Hemp Hall in Ridgway.
Try California Skunk Musk. Finally a bear repellent that really works! Available all over Utah, New Mexico, Wyoming, Kansas, Nebraska and Oklahoma.
Will gladly trade land in Wyoming for ash tray from 1939 Packard. Damon Runyun at the Reporter’s Shelter. West Colfax, Denver.
No more baloney! Organic carnivore historian, Dr West Southeast will share adages from his newest flyer: “Cold Cuts and the Cold War”. Meatballs encouraged to attend. Bring a covered fish.
Benzedrine Apartments. Locals only.
LOOKING FOR ANTIQUES? I have two complete with an oversize RV. They came for a visit in June and now they won’t leave. Free to good home or I will pay relocation expenses. Marcia, Hamburger Helper Vista, Ridgway.
Getting married? It’s never too early to plan your divorce. Morstern, Hamill and Glick Attorneys. We’re on daytime television!
FIND OUT WHY THERE IS A SHORTAGE OF TRUCK DRIVERS AND AN ABUNDANCE OF LAWYERS. CALL KWGN IN DENVER.
Leftover words and phrases from stories –
up for adoption this month:
plutocratic debris
fait accompli
journalistic hyperbole
calamitous
piece-de-resistance
Where were you the day the alien
space ships arrived in Grand Junction?
School Lunch Menu
Winter Session, 2025
Monday:
Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed
Jerusalem Artichoke Soup
Lobster Cocktail with Pesto
Veal with Blackberry Sauce
Onion Risotto
Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets
Taylor Fladgate (15 year)
Tuesday
Tapas Plate
Roasted Kumamoto Oysters
Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge
Peruvian Potatoes Puree
Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple
Bannanac Cheesecake
Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)
Wednesday
Beetroot salad
Young leeks
Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry
Braised parsnips
Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice
Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours
Martel Cordon Bleu
Thursday
Escargot Pot de Crème
Carpaccio of Cauliflower
Langoustine Ravioli
Skate Cheeks Tempura
Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds
Clotted Cream Éclairs
Flaming Brandy Punch
Friday
Ahi Tuna Nicosian Salad
Pomme Frites with Truffle
Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton
Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise
Tomato Fondue
Chocolate Sorbet
Remy Martin XO
Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo
MILD WEST QUIZ
1. How many Western Slopers does it take to dehorn a heifer?
a.) One to hold the cow and three to turn the horns.
b.) Three. Two to hold the heifer and four to do the math
c.) None. A heifer sheds her horns every Fourth of July.
2. Why are Colorado towns so far apart?
a.) To keep the sheep out of the corn.
b.) To prevent impulse fist fights between entire communities on Friday nights.
c.) Compared to what?
3. What do you suppose the Colorado Rockies will do with the millions they made this year?
a.) Rebuild Greeley.
b.) Buy washed up pitchers.
c.) Fill chuckholes on Blake Street.
d.) Maintain the status quo
4.) Why does Colorado lie between the 40th Parallel and 36th Parallel?
a.) It’s a a lot better than standing at attention between the 12th Parallel and the 89th Parallel.
b.) Because that’s where the ski areas are located
c.) So as to prevent an invasion of the Wyoming by New Mexican militias.
5.) If a sign in Ridgway reads: “Montrose – 26 miles” and a sign in Montrose says “Ridgway – 28 miles” where are the missing two miles?
a.) At the bottom of Ridgway Reservoir wearing a pair of cement overshoes.
b.) Blame it on the Bossa Nova.
c.) Due to the oblique, semi-contiguous angle of the Colona Bulge it actually is two miles longer going south.
6.) Why didn’t the Ute Indians have house plants before the white man?
a.) They were notorious over-waterers.
b.) Macrame hadn’t been invented yet.
c.) There are no windows in tipis
7.) How many assault rifles are there on the Western Slope?
a.) Counting Sylvestor Stallone movies?
b.) Just take the number of prairie dogs and multiply by 3.
c.) What’s it to you! Are you with the ATF?
8.) Why did the long-running San Juan Horseshoe newspaper insist on publishing all year long when it is common knowledge that people don’t start as many fires in the winter?
a.) They are great fish wrappers.
b.) They are great in the litter box.
c.) They kill flies and mosquitos on contact.
9.) Who besides you has bothered to read this far along?
a.) People who live in glass outhouses.
b.) The police.
c.) The advertisers.
d.) None of the above.
10.) What was the last South Townsend Avenue boot shop to be operated by a Ute Indian?
a.) Chief Jack’s Boots and Waders.
b.) The Spot.
c.) Mighty Moe’s Montrose Moccasin Mecca.
11.) What does the term “dogie” mean to you personally?
a.) What? More heifer jokes?
b.) A person who can’t handle a butter knife without bloodshed.
c.) You mean that one “in the window”.
12.) What is a telemark?
a.) A fashionable mole popular in the Roaring Twenties.
b.) Someone who’s sucked in by a phone solicitation.
c.) A three-winged nut used in the construction of deer fence.
13.) Complete the following: “If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t ____.”
a.) A cowboy.
b.) A-gonna need the hat.
c.) shit.
14.) Who was Dutch Charlie?
a.) The bastard of Flemish Charley’s third wife, Thelma Victoria.
b.) Inventor of the cast iron biscuit.
c.) A sultry cross-dressing flag girl on the Blue Creek Canyon project.
15.) Why are there so many real estate offices in Colorado?
a.) Because everybody can’t cook.
b.) Because everybody can’t bartend.
c.) Send for a free brochure.
16.) How did all the hot springs get hot?
a.) Geothermal intercourse.
b.) What’s the damn difference?
c.) Only your hairdresser knows for sure.
-Srs. Bauxite and Balderstern
ANSWERS TO QUIZ
1.-b, 2-b, 3-c, 4-a, 5-a, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-b, 10-b, 11-c, 12-b, 13-b, 14-c, 15-b, 16-c, 17-a, 18-b, 19-c, 20-c, 21-b. Give yourself 5 points for each correct answer and 4 points for every incorrect answer. Add your number of points and divide by 32 anyway.
Bonus overtures
*Is it better to say a Uruguayan or an Uruguayan?
*Can one bring his guns into heaven?
Grammar Lesson #611
Colonel Sanders May Have Harbored Slaves prior to Vicksburg
a.) Might have b.) could have had c.) would have had (Choose one)
Voting booth truth:
Why did you vote the way you voted?
a. Grandpa voted this way
b. “I’m against socialism in all forms. My Social Security check arrives today. Let’s go to town.”
c “If I vote for Democrats we’ll all be living in Red China
d. “The Republicans better represent liars like me.”
Surprise Essay Question: What is journalistic hyperbole?
Which reference is more creditable?
a. according to undisclosed sources close to the investigation
b. according to persons familiar with these undertakings
c. according to multiple reports
d. along the lines of an already decoded manuscript
A bamboozler is
a a cinch to hold and carry lengths of bamboo
b a Southeast Asian cocktail
c a shyster
d someone who harvests bamboo on a juniper plantation
Are you really an American? Then how many of these questions can you answer correctly.
1. To what does Tagalog refer
2. What do Cuba, Hawaii, The Philippines, California and Puerto Rico have in common?
3. What is the “best country in the world”?
In what language was the New Testament written?
a. American b. French c. Arabic d. Greek e. Italian
What is a Fandango?
What is the difference between Impetuousness and perfidious?
True or False?
The King James Bible was the most popular read of the Scots-Irish on the mountain frontier of the United States not because it was the most interesting or entertaining but because it was usually the only book they had in their homes.
Very few strip mall churches existed in Bethlehem at the time of King Herod.
Define:
dowager
peacock envy
schadenfreude
- compiled by Estelle Marmotbreath
A REAL BARN BURNER
Once upon a time, in 1890s Colona, a farmer’s barn caught fire and burned down. It was total loss and, although the farmer managed to get his livestock to safety he lost a good deal of hay and assorted implements to the blaze.
The next day an entourage of neighbors and friends was on the site, tools and lumber in hand, set on rebuilding the barn.
“He’d do it for us,” was what they were saying. “It’s the right thing to do.”
In a matter of hours the new barn was framed out and everyone sat down for a delicious barbecue cooked by the farmer and his wife. They paid for all the food with money they had saved from selling two hogs in the fall. The next day all the people returned and completed the barn. Then they stood back and admired their work. The barn looked even better than the old one. They went home to their families feeling good about themselves and their community.
Then in 2020 another barn caught fire and burned down. It too was a total loss and although the farmer managed to get his livestock out safely he lost everything else.
The next day his neighbors gathered at the site of the fire saying, “I hope he had insurance” and “The insurance will cover it.” Some of them suggested that he had not ample coverage and called him a fool. “There’s nothing we can do…If he didn’t have enough sense to buy insurance it’s his own fault.”
Later that day after fighting with an insurance company the farmer realized that nobody was planning to help him out. In addition he was informed that although his insurance would cover the blaze, his rates would then skyrocket. Still nobody stopped by to offer any help. The insurance would cover it.
Remember the barbecue that the farmer and his wife presented back in 1890? Well, forget it in 2020. They wouldn’t have the money anyway. It was spent on insurance premiums.
For days following the fire, residents drove by the site shaking their heads wondering if the barn would be rebuilt and just what had gone wrong with their society. It seems that people had lost respect for each other. The kids were on a collision course with the future and people just didn’t seem to be as happy as they were a few years ago.
Local Man Claims to Have Viewed “Great Attractor”
Local Man Claims to Have Viewed “Great Attractor”(Crested Butte) An amateur astronomer claims to have seen what scientists are calling the “Great Attractor” in the winter skies above Snodgrass Mountain. Earl MacAdoo was out walking his grossly overweight Peloponnesian Setter on Friday night when all of a sudden he felt what he called a vigorous gravitational pull, coupled with an offensive aroma, emanating from the north. Upon closer examination he “noticed a huge region of cosmic matter hovering in the sky as if awaiting the right victim in a celestial mugging.”
MacAdoo fell back. His dog began barking at the sky and a cold chill invaded his bones. He quickly retreated to his pickup and headed back to town where he informed the authorities of his precarious experience.
Stories of UFOs, and reports of the abnormal are as common as coal in these parts as any longtime resident will tell you. The village police, although feigning interest in his strange story were too busy chasing dogs and cruising snowboarder bars to respond. They promised to patrol the area the next night. MacAdoo went to the bar and shared his story with the town’s swilling element that passed the word along the next day on the street.
“The Great Attractor is real,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster of Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory at Gothic. “Whether MacAdoo saw the thing or not is important. We scientists have been closely watching the critter for some time. We have even spotted a massive galaxy cluster that appears to be at the Great Attractor’s core. It looks a lot like frantic skiers trying to force their way onto a Mountain Express bus at 4:30.”
One retired television meteorologist from Moline doesn’t agree.
“I’ve met that MacAdoo person downtown and I think most of us realize he’s nothing more than a common drunk in a ten-gallon hat. That boy didn’t see any galaxy cluster or even an alien craft,” he sneered. “I have conferred with one of the investigating officers and we have reason to believe that what MacAdoo saw was nothing more than a Sunshine Garbage Truck in full descent.”
After assigning a top reporter to the story The Horseshoe has determined that Sunshine Garbage does in fact maintain a regular night shift in the vicinity of Snodgrass Mountain. This disclosure has set off shock waves all the way to Gunnison as concerned residents, already suspicious of ski area expansion plans there are asking “Who is driving the truck?”
MacAdoo was contacted early Wednesday morning assuring all in earshot that he saw what he saw and that he can “damn sure tell the difference” between a galaxy cluster and a garbage truck.
– Small Mouth Bess
“We have given you a republic, if you can keep it.” – Benjamin Franklin
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