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and the rest of the planet since 1977.

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Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in political emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.

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Featuring in-depth, introspective news stories written by people who weren’t there either.

This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Luang Prabang wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a naughty Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!

As with all endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly.

Failed comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.

Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).

No hen or stag parties will be tolerated on week nights (Strictly enforced)

Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com

“Read it while you drive!”

—Apologies—

Editor’s note: We will survive the three-pronged embarrassment suffered by our poorly inoculated editorial staff forcibly escorted out of the Fortune 500 Fish Fry held at the Elves Club last Friday.

Editor’s Coroner 

All right then it’s settled. One more healthy nip of Oh Be Joyful here and we’re off to the plaza to write this column.

I’ve been living at  7,000 feet in a beautiful village in the Andes: I penciled myself out of the office until 2028. That should give Congress as chance to come to its senses, hurling season to begin and my peach trees time to mature.

Here in Colombia we get a lot of rain but it’s very green and mangos are cheap. It’s just one of those things…the march toward general insanity moves on.

And as the old Russian saying goes:

“Yes, the Czar will still eat his pork chops.”  

My neighbor down the road is a mess this morning. Her cat got pregnant on Valentine’s Day and her dog attacked an innocent grandma on the road in front of her house. I’m not saying my neighbor is stupid but she’s the kind who would get married just because wedding gowns were on sale.

Front Line Love: My last three girlfriends were artists and while that’s fine the next time I think I’ll look for a plumber, an electrician or maybe a welder.

Villa Arepa is still at Level 45 or 6 nobody knows what it means but…local man, Conor Sturgeon appears to have written himself into his own screen play and all that remains are his notes, his navy Annapolis t-shirt and his tan, tight-woven chinos. As many of you might have already guessed, Mr Sturgeon still refuses to wear underwear, even to funerals.

The scene in town was tense as roads gathered after a monkey truck crashed into a chiva blocking roads in and out of town for hours. Coffee (the best in the world) was swilled by all.

And in lifting the drawbridge of eternal annoyances: Do old farts secretly like it when their pants fall down in public? 

The answer lies in the lyrics of this old World War I tune: 

When Was young I couldn’t keep my pants on. 

Now that I’m old I can’t keep them up.

For the first one you just add charm,

the second one only suspenders

Here are the mighty local headlines: Not much news here but we’ll make every effort to frighten you

GOP leader says: Biden’s NO TV in July – experiment in productivity by state – really first move in a a plot to take your guns

Planet is perfect example of bipolar behavior – No sense to it but systematic. Spinning. The concept of “aggravated gravity” summoned from deep beneath Earth’s inner core.

Ref: How does one manage “getting all katywompus” on demand?

Undresses the embarrassing lack of public toilets in US – with ascending ages and virus precautions…You can tell a lot about a culture by the way it treats its bladders. According to one incumbent latrine commissioner:

“Of all the ham-handed, butter-fingered, tight fisted, limp- wrist, thumb-nosing platitudes…buried deep in the dark, hidden vaults of fuel-saving carburetors and cures for cancer this lack of priority takes the urinal cake. Have we no respect for local flora?

New Study indicates: Cookies and milk not good before bed- Fat, phlegm, digestion, sugar, premature silliness all add up to poor sleep. You were lied to again like with Dr Pepper, Velveta cheese and Jimmy Dean sausage. Remember: Alternative cookies and milk can be made from recycled cardboard and hearts of sagebrush.

FLASH! County urban planners have found no connection whatsoever in the diminished police presence and the closure of a colona donut enterprise in Ouray County’s Third Economic Zone.

US has no plans to bring back the railroad despite all the diplomatic wind and talk of revamping the domestic infrastructure here…

The Fighting Capons Castigated Colona hurling squad, often downtrodden due to the lack of corporate sponsorship in the backwater of the county has now come under the scrutiny of three coaches who fall short of calling foul…or even fowl. Harshly criticizing The Fighting Capons, winners of the Pre-Minstrel League, were sports figures from Billy Jean McQueen to Harv Stoneberry who pledged never to play out “overtly dramatic and tedious henhouse matches” with the Capons.

Gateway Man Accused of Selling Submarine Secrets to Red ChineseHe’s been under a lot of financial pressure since the news surfaced that his formerly lauded great grandfather who lost his entire command as well as his favorite canteen  during a skirmish with French irregulars near Djibouti in 1940, had terminated his trust fund as of January 2022.

Later this entire episode  translated in to a series of painful ankle bites allegedly received from a person of interest on the dance floor while the band played “Carry Me Back to Old Hominy”

And what’s this? A note (sans perfume) slipped under my door just now “Land the  plane Mel…Land the damn plane.” I’ll just file it with the mounds of fan mail we received each week.

Indications are that 5th Columnist Yoke animals longingly await the coming of space creatures “Things couldn’t be much worse” they conclude. Conspiracy theories abound embracing pastoral superstitions. You drive by and watch them eating grass all day. Sure they are. You think they spend the whole day eating? Think again.

Recipe  Grilled Capybara misplaced but speaking of consumption … Cow or Car? Future choices will include the rejection of basic staples of our lives. Does this mean Fossil fuel or red meat? 

On my hope of heaven, you can rest assured that it’s all true.

From a cross-section of the above stories: One might even think that…but au contraire

Bonus question:

Peewits: They are a subfamily of medium-sized wading birds which also includes the plovers and dotterels. The Vanellinae are collectively called lapwings but also contain the ancient red-kneed dotterel. A lapwing can be thought of as a larger plover.

Enjoy disjointed rambling? Be sure to peruse Beyond Ignorance a new book by Melvin Bedwetter Toole examines a stimulating world opening up to those who embrace ignorance. Sequel to Beyond Stupid and Beyond Intergalactic Racism

 And before we retire to the rum romper room: A Special Welcome rash brigands, gelded corsairs, entitled drugstore privateers and their fleeced entourages, bit-in-mouth, intent on the spoils of a black flag cruise.

Acknowledgments : none

Direct discontent, carping, nitpicking and legal dissertation to  Calvin, Locke, Edwards and Cromwell Attorneys at Law

And like Mr. Ramesh, owner an Irish pub in Union Hall in West Cork said when asked why he chose to live in West Cork, Ireland. “It beats the shit out of Bombay.”

– Compiled from The Art of Getting a Shine in Antioquia. Used by permission.

Leftover words and phrases from stories – up for adoption this month:

plutocratic debris

fait accompli

journalistic hyperbole

calamitous

piece de resistance

NOW THIS…

*Celebs you’d like to self-isolate with tonight!

in Ostentatious Social Distancing

*Where were you the day the alien

space ships arrived in Grand Junction?

in Red Planet Blue Planet

*”Those crazy, whacked out

haircuts of the Politburo”

PLUS

Olathe teen reads Ulysses backwards during social lockdown

VERMONT JUDGE RULES STARBUCKS NOT IN LEAGUE WITH SATAN

Familiarity flocks embrace corporate ideals with soporific regularity

100 Chateaubriand recipes for your blender

Satire acknowledged as measuring stick of reality in our society

Pandemic Sensitivity Update: Many people look better in masks

You can expect more stimulating hints and evocations ubiquitously darting and floating

like heaven’s first falling snowflakes into an unattended gas station men’s room

Looking for news, letters, sports, photos and local ads? Click on Featured Peeks or any of the six prompts under the masthead.

Do you miss the newspaper version of this effort? Click on print archives and peruse an assortment of old issues in their entirety. GO TO PRINT ARCHIVES ON OUR HOME PAGE.

School Lunch Menu

January,  2022

Monday:

Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed

Jerusalem Artichoke Soup

Lobster Cocktail with Pesto

Veal with Blackberry Sauce

Onion Risotto

Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets

Taylor Fladgate (15 year)

Tuesday

Tapas Plate

Roasted Kumamoto Oysters

Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge

Peruvian Potatoes Puree

Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple

Bannanac Cheesecake

Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)

Wednesday

Beetroot salad

Young leeks

Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry

Braised parsnips

Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice

Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours

Martel Cordon Bleu

Thursday

Escargot Pot de Crème

Carpaccio of Cauliflower

Langoustine Ravioli

Skate Cheeks Tempura

Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds

Clotted Cream Éclairs

Flaming Brandy Punch

Friday

Ahi Tuna Nicosian Salad

Pomme Frites with Truffle

Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton

Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise

Tomato Fondue

Chocolate Sorbet

Remy Martin XO

Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo

COREXSHUNS

with Fire Tower Declan 
Executive Corrections Editor

 ”The San Juan Horseshoe apologizes for the misquote from the “Woman from Miami flying from Tampa to Jacksonville.”
After our research team knocked on the Miami woman’s door repeatedly to confirm her statement, we were greeted by two ferrets “Bob“ and “Bobby”, and a Large Russian wolf hound named Roberto that “gives her energy”.
Through our discussion, we came to the resolution that it was not in fact a layover, but merely a hangover.
To be specific, the woman said, “oh, I’m sorry, it was a long night in South Beach and I must’ve missed a day or two.”
As it turns out, the trip from Tampa to Jacksonville won’t happen until her family reunion in April.
*The San Juan Horseshoe reserves rights to hold all airlines accountable for failure in future articles

An instance of editorial brilliance failed to take place last month when articles respectively dealing with aboriginal birth control and public school choice were not juxtaposed, but were rather run in entirely different sections.  This sort of thing will continue to occur.

Readers polls conducted in the last 3 offerings have been discarded due to a statistical quirk.  It turns out that not only do our readers not constitute a valid sample of the general population, but sub-groups among our readers, particularly those subgroups that answered the polls were found to be non-representative of even themselves.  Statisticians brought in from Paonia were in fact unable to parse any of the samples, nor to transit the least squares even when errors were propagated in quadrature.  Suffice to say that our readers deviate from the norm in a remarkable fashion.

Linoleum stains described in the September episode of Slagman P.I. were actually part of the pattern.  And contrary to another description in that episode, there is shag carpeting that is still being used fashionably on Glencoe St. in Denver.  The secret is to never let modern carpet cleaners with their ghastly steam contraptions near it.  Just let the cats gently knead it with their little claws.  Cat hair has never been proven to cause allergies.

We regret to inform our readers that there is no way to correct for shoddy journalism and lack of literary merit.  We will continue to point out the minor errors of identification and information etc., but in the final analysis, correction is in vain.

Colloquialisms sprinkled throughout the body of last months issue were the result of cost overruns by contractors engaged to plan the acquisition of copy.  While it is widely known that our editor will accept any set of words assembled in such a fashion as to appear to have been “written”, our consultants were not so constrained.  In the future, all outlays in connection with accumulation of content will be reviewed by our standards committee.  That act alone should overwhelm those critical among those commentators who waste their time analyzing these offerings.

Cab fare tables shown in our January issue do not include separate charges for stops at bars along the way.  If your intent is truly to get home from the bar it is doubtful that such stops are productive or even recommended.  All fares terminating or passing through Ridgway include admission charges for the cowboy/girl hall of fame.  Whether you stop there or not, its always good to know that last night’s cowperson was at least paid for.

Clock adjustments for daylight savings time included in our December procrastinator’s guide to time management, need only be made once, and then only for the state in which you reside.  Do not attempt to determine what time it is in other time zones with or without the benefit of such adjustments.  Keep in mind that even if you fail to make any adjustment at all, your clock will be correct again within 6 or so months.  When setting your watch for a trip to Mexico, keep in mind that; 1) Quintana Roo is mainly in the Central time zone, even though it has the “feel” of being on the east coast, and 2) Times and hours don’t have the same significance in Mexico as they do in, say, Norwood.

Callers who will no doubt notice that these last four corrections all begin with a “C” should not use our toll free line to point this out.  If you’re calling on a cell phone, let us know so that we can leave you on hold.  Remember that your call is important to us and may be recorded to insure quality control as well as for our amusement.  First time callers should use our “west of the Rockies line”, especially when we’re not on the air, which incidentally, is all of the time.

MILD WEST QUIZ

1. How many Western Slopers does it take to dehorn a heifer? 

a.) One to hold the cow and three to turn the horns.

b.) Three. Two to hold the heifer and four to do the math

c.) None. A heifer sheds her horns every Fourth of July.

2. Why are Colorado towns so far apart?

a.) To keep the sheep out of the corn.

b.) To prevent impulse fist fights between entire communities on Friday nights.

c.) Compared to what?

3. What do you suppose the Colorado Rockies will do with the millions they made this year?

a.) Rebuild Greeley.

b.) Buy washed up pitchers.

c.) Fill chuckholes on Blake Street.

4.) Why does Colorado lie between the 40th Parallel and 36th Parallel?

a.) It’s a a lot better than standing at attention between the 12th Parallel and the 89th Parallel.

b.) Because that’s where the ski areas are located

c.) So as to prevent an invasion of the Wyoming by New Mexican militias.

5.) If a sign in Ridgway reads: “Montrose – 26 miles” and a sign in Montrose says “Ridgway – 28 miles” where are the missing two miles?

a.) At the bottom of Ridgway Reservoir wearing a pair of cement overshoes.

b.) Blame it on the Bossa Nova.

c.) Due to the oblique, semi-contiguous angle of the Colona Bulge it actually is two miles longer going south.

6.) Why didn’t the Ute Indians have house plants before the white man?

a.) They were notorious over-waterers.

b.) Macrame hadn’t been invented yet.

c.) There are no windows in tipis 

7.) How many assault rifles are there on the Western Slope?

a.) Counting Sylvestor Stallone movies?

b.) None. Don’t you know they’re illegal?

c.) What’s it to you! Are you with the ATF?

 8.) Why did the San Juan Horseshoe newspaper insist on publishing all year long when it is common knowledge that people don’t start as many fires in the winter?

a.) They are great fish wrappers.

b.) They are great in the litter box.

c.) They kill flies and mosquitos on contact.

9.) Who besides you has bothered to read this far along? 

a.) People who live in glass outhouses.

b.) The police.

c.) The advertisers.

d.) None of the above.

10.) What was the last South Townsend Avenue boot shop to be operated by a Ute Indian?

a.) Chief Jack’s Boots and Waders.

b.) The Spot.

c.) Mighty Moe’s Montrose Moccasin Mecca.

11.) What does the term “dogie” mean to you personally?

a.) What? More heifer jokes?

b.) A person who can’t handle a butter knife without bloodshed.

c.) You mean that one “in the window”.

12.) What is a telemark?

a.) A fashionable mole popular in the Roaring Twenties.

b.) Someone who’s sucked in by a phone solicitation.

c.) A three-winged nut used in the construction of deer fence.

13.) Complete the following: “If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t ____.”

a.) A cowboy

b.) A-gonna need the hat.

c.) Rooster Cogburn

14.) Who was Dutch Charlie?

a.) The bastard of Flemish Charley’s third wife, Victoria.

b.) Inventor of the cast iron biscuit.

c.) A sultry cross-dressing flag girl on the Blue Creek Canyon project.

15.) Why are there so many real estate offices in Colorado?

a.) Because everybody can’t cook.

b.) Because everybody can’t bartend.

c.) Send for a free brochure.

16.) How did all the hot springs get hot?

a.) Geothermal intercourse.

b.) What’s the damn difference?

c.) Only your hairdresser knows for sure.

                      -Srs. Bauxite and Balderstern

ANSWERS TO QUIZ

1.-b, 2-b, 3-c, 4-a, 5-a, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-b, 10-b, 11-c, 12-b, 13-b, 14-c, 15-b, 16-c, 17-a, 18-b, 19-c, 20-c, 21-b. Give yourself 5 points for each correct answer and 4 points for every incorrect answer. Add your number of points and divide by 32 anyway.

Bonus overtures

*Is it better to say a Uruguayan or an Uruguayan?

*Can one bring his guns into heaven?

Grammar Lesson #611

Colonel Sanders May Have Harbored Slaves prior to Vicksburg  

a.) Might have  b.) could have had   c.) would have had  (Choose one)

Voting booth truth:

Why did you vote the way you voted?

a. Grandpa voted this way

b. “I’m against socialism in all forms. My Social Security check arrives today. Let’s go to town.”

c“If I vote for Dems the terrorists will get me” 

d. “The Republicans say they are on God’s side in all of this but they look like liars to me.”

What is journalistic hyperbole?

Which reference is more creditable?

a. according to undisclosed sources close to the investigation

b. according to persons familiar with these undertakings

c. according to multiple reports

d. along the lines of an already decoded manuscript

A bamboozler is

a a cinch to hold and carry lengths of bamboo

b a Southeast Asian cocktail

c a shyster

d someone who harvests bamboo

Are you really an American? Then how many of these questions can you answer correctly. 

1. Tagalog 

2. What do Cuba, Hawaii, Philippines and puerto Rico have in common?

3. What is the “best country in the world”?

In what language was the New Testament written?

a. English   b. French  c. Arabic  d. Greek  e. Italian

What is a Fandango?

What is the difference between Impetuousness and perfidious

True or False?

The King James Bible was the most popular read of the Scots-Irish on the mountain frontier of the United States not because it was the most interesting or entertaining but because it was usually the only book they had in their homes. 

Define:

 dowager 

peacock envy

schadenfreude

compiled by Estelle Marmotbreath

guy reading with cow

A REAL BARN BURNER

     Once upon a time, in 1890s Colona, a farmer’s barn caught fire and burned down. It was total loss and, although the farmer managed to get his livestock to safety he lost a good deal of hay and assorted implements to the blaze.

      The next day an entourage of neighbors and friends was on the site, tools and lumber in hand, set on rebuilding the barn.

     “He’d do it for us,” was what they were saying. “It’s the right thing to do.”

     In a matter of hours the new barn was framed out and everyone sat down for a delicious barbecue cooked by the farmer and his wife. They paid for all the food with money they had saved from selling two hogs in the fall. The next day all the people returned and completed the barn. Then they stood back and admired their work. The barn looked even better than the old one. They went home to their families feeling good about themselves and their community.

     Then in 2020 another barn caught fire and burned down. It too was a total loss and although the farmer managed to get his livestock out safely he lost everything else.

     The next day his neighbors gathered at the site of the fire saying, “I hope he had insurance” and “The insurance will cover it.” Some of them suggested that he had not ample coverage and called him a fool. “There’s nothing we can do…If he didn’t have enough sense to buy insurance it’s his own fault.”

     Later that day after fighting with an insurance company the farmer realized that nobody was planning to help him out. In addition he was informed that although his insurance would cover the blaze, his rates would then skyrocket. Still nobody stopped by to offer any help. The insurance would cover it.

     Remember the barbecue that the farmer and his wife presented back in 1890? Well, forget it in 2020. They wouldn’t have the money anyway. It was spent on insurance premiums. 

     For days following the fire, residents drove by the site shaking their heads wondering if the barn would be rebuilt and just what had gone wrong with their society. It seems that people had lost respect for each other. The kids were on a collision course with the future and people just didn’t seem to be as happy as they were a few years ago.

Local Man Claims to Have Viewed “Great Attractor”

(Crested Butte) An amateur astronomer claims to have seen what scientists are calling the “Great Attractor” in the winter skies above Snodgrass Mountain. Earl MacAdoo was out walking his grossly overweight Peloponnesian Setter on Friday night when all of a sudden he felt what he called a vigorous gravitational pull, coupled with an offensive aroma, emanating from the north. Upon closer examination he “noticed a huge region of cosmic matter hovering in the sky as if awaiting the right victim in a celestial mugging.”

     MacAdoo fell back. His dog began barking at the sky and a cold chill invaded his bones. He quickly retreated to his pickup and headed back to town where he informed the authorities of his precarious experience.

     Stories of UFOs, and reports of the abnormal are as common as coal in these parts as any longtime resident will tell you. The village police, although feigning interest in his strange story were too busy chasing dogs and cruising snowboarder bars to respond. They promised to patrol the area the next night. MacAdoo went to the bar and shared his story with the town’s swilling element that passed the word along the next day on the street.

     “The Great Attractor is real,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster of Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory at Gothic. “Whether MacAdoo saw the thing or not is important. We scientists have been closely watching the critter for some time. We have even spotted a massive galaxy cluster that appears to be at the Great Attractor’s core. It looks a lot like frantic skiers trying to force their way onto a Mountain Express bus at 4:30.”

     One retired television meteorologist from Moline doesn’t agree.

     “I’ve met that MacAdoo person downtown and I think most of us realize he’s nothing more than a common drunk in a ten-gallon hat. That boy didn’t see any galaxy cluster or even an alien craft,” he sneered. “I have conferred with one of the investigating officers and we have reason to believe that what MacAdoo saw was nothing more than a Sunshine Garbage Truck in full descent.”

     After assigning a top reporter to the story The Horseshoe has determined that Sunshine Garbage does in fact maintain a regular night shift in the vicinity of Snodgrass Mountain. This disclosure has set off shock waves all the way to Gunnison as concerned residents, already suspicious of ski area expansion plans there are asking “Who is driving the truck?”

     MacAdoo was contacted early Wednesday morning assuring all in earshot that he saw what he saw and that he can “damn sure tell the difference” between a galaxy cluster and a garbage truck.  

– Small Mouth Bess   

“We have given you a republic, if you can keep it.” – Benjamin Franklin

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foto D Austin

photo by Delinda Austin

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P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427

COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2021

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