100 years ago today

Cyrus McDormatt, a hemp farmer from somewhere in Dixie invented the reefer which encouraged men to lie under trees all day while machines did all the work. Despite the fact that his product beat the hell out of cotton and wool he was arrested for illegal cultivation of a dangerous narcotic and sent up to the abolitionist north for horizontal indoctrination. When he returned he travelled the circuit and preached to the slaves about the evils of banjo music and that funny little weed that grows along the river.

 100 years from today

New evidence was reported that Adam and Eve and Tarzan and Jane are in fact the same loving couple. The Cheetah Scrolls, dug up some 35 years ago, clearly reference the Garden of Eden, someone named Cain, someone named Boy and someone named Apple. The terms are intertwined and always end up in the same cosmic destination before spinning off into the universe. Although reluctant to release a full disclosure many major world religions have leaked information to the press and hinted at outside intervention in both tree swinging skills and the poisonous snake department. The common denominator here is a sneaky mahout named Lucifer who sells apples on the corner.

 Melvin O’Toole is the only known National League player to have hit a regulation home run while occupying second base. This rare feat was accomplished on September 6, 1919. Six keystone sluggers have done it in the American League.