All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Roscoe wins dog contest
(Gunnison — Old Dogs New Tricks — December 14, 2015)
A charming Golden Retriever/Lab mix has won First Prize in the Grand Championship Dog Challenge for 2015. Edging out some 2000 other entries, Roscoe came out ahead in the performance bracket and in overall points. What is particularly interesting about the competition is that it was concocted, streamlined and managed strictly by dogs.
People have no clue as to the ramifications and minutiae of Dog Challenge but the five-day trials and finals drew some 5000 human onlookers. The impact on the local economy was noticeable especially in a shoulder season between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holidays.
“Despite the fact that most dogs don’t have shoulders as such they were reportedly happy to “keep the town in kibble”,” said a local veterinarian who demanded anonymity. “We call them “man’s best friend” but the relationship is severely one-sided. We know so little about why they do things, how they see us, and even their basic thought processes.”
The source went on to say that we understand canine priorities all right but we don’t comprehend what might be sophisticated motivations for certain acts such as cleaning out the litter box, sniffing posteriors and drinking from the toilet.
“Dogs run this competition from start to finish,” said the vet. We don’t know any more than that. The upshots, the essentials, the consequences escape us like a whirling ball of busy border collie fur or the lazy drool of a red-eyed St. Bernard. Some of the finer points as to what constitutes a winning performance here shall linger in the domain of dogs, and they aren’t talking,” she smiled.
-Dag Katz
Doing lunch with the best company
Today I had tea in Uruguay
With a big orange cat,
and it turned into more
under a green acacia tree.
Matching whiskers I turned to the Tom and said:
Maybe there are enough mice for you
(at least for now)
But never enough for me!
Then we sat and watched birds land
and take off like windy weeds
from a crooked fence.
They test the currents and buzz the ocean,
still in their winged pajamas,
even though it was well past noon.
Erotic Rock Art Show Slated for January
(Montrose, CO — Hands of Stone Gazette — January 5, 2016)
Jack up your dormant January libido at the first ever Uncompahgre Erotic Rock Art Show to be held at the Dalton Trumbo Park here from January 22 – 31. Over 4000 specimens of naughty rocks and bawdy rock formations in all shapes and sizes will be part of the display.
Joining these lascivious pebbles and stone monstrosities will be a rare conglomeration of minerals and gases, studied intensely by geologists, and thought somehow related to the evolution of the earth.
Rock has been defined as the solid material forming part of the surface of our planet. It is usually exposed or found underlying the soil or the oceans. It is used for everything from patios to fireplaces. People employ rock as weight, filler and projectiles.
All of the boulders at the show are from the Rockies while some of the more evasive minerals have been collected from all over the world. Just what constitutes an erotic rock will be the work of a select jury of earth scientists, experts on earth’s physical structure and substance.
“Sure, anyone can identify the phallic and the sensual rocks and stones,” said one organizer of the event. “What takes the real skill, the academic separation is to see eroticism in a flat rock or a chunk that has fallen from its mother mountain. We are fortunate that we have plenty of resources right here in the Rockies. You won’t see a display of this magnitude in a place like Kansas.”
Concrete, dirt, petrified wood, compacted ash or asphalt will be considered according to the source.
“We’re looking for creative erotic art,” continued the organizer. “What looks lewd or salacious to one person may not appear that way to another. These pieces of the earth come in all shapes and sizes just like people. Preferences and carnal qualifications are often intangible even though these specimens represent down to earth stability and the foundation for all that follows.”
The show is free but an occasional booth or two may be off limits to minors.
– Rocky Flats
Still No Irish in Hell Says Cromwell
(Dublin, Ireland — Blue Eyes in the Caribbean — January 5, 2016)
The late Oliver Cromwell, a man who, in the 1600s, attempted to save the Irish peasantry from Papist domination by killing them, has confirmed that there are as yet no Irishmen in hell. The British Isle population down there, says the former Puritan despot, is made up entirely of English patricians from the middle to late 17th Century.
“It appears that we made such a successful go of things in Ireland back in 1649 that our pal Lucifer is still running short of bunk beds,” he said.
Cromwell “the Cruel” made sport of tormenting the inhabitants of Ireland, killing thousands that opposed him and sending many more Irish children into slavery in the British Caribbean colonies, before dying of communist syphilitic warts in 1658.
His roommate in hell, the former Pope Adrian (Hadrian IV) aka Nicholas Breakspeare, has the distinction of being the only Englishman to become Pontiff. Breakspeare is credited with naming Henry II of England as sovereign ruler of Ireland in 1155 and opening the door to British exploitation that lasted through 1922.
It was not clear where deceased Irishmen, who may not have made it to Fiddler’s Green (Paradise) reside these days. But they are not in hell with the Puritans according to Cromwell. The Irish, after suffering 800 years as England’s first colony appear to have greed themselves and taken flight.
“Not all of the Puritans are down here yet either,” he stressed. “Many are still among the living practicing a modern form of intolerance and control with the same old twisted warnings of evil and salvation. They feed off fear and maintain their power base with the freedoms they steal from others…even in the United States,” he smiled.
– Eamon O’Murgatroid
Mel’s Liver and Onion Wagon Schedule
Advertisement: January 3, 2016
Drive Through or Eat In…13 Mañana Locations to Choose From
Next to Disappointment Valley Optimists Club
Liver and Onion Wagon Agenda – Summer 2016
Winner: Friendly Service 1956-7
Monday and Tuesday: Gunnison County
Wednesday: Hinsdale and San Juan Counties
(Tariff subject to weight limitations on Cinnamon Pass)
Thursday: Montrose “Bacon Day”
Friday: Ouray County
Saturday: Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution Dinner
Sunday: After church – Call for specific salvation.
A backup liver and onion cart will spend most mornings at the Colona Shadow Government complex unless licensing fees increase.
Cowboy Added to Endangered List
(Denver — Drugstore Melodies — January 2, 2016)
The American cowboy (eqestrianus bovinarius) is now officially endangered, having been added to the roster of species in danger of extinction according to qualified technicians familiar with this kind of thing.
A recent census has provided alarming statistics regarding what can only be called a radical demise of the cowboy population and culture west of the Mississippi. Only in Montana and Alberta have the cowpunchers shown modest gains in these aforementioned categories.
Wyoming remains stable.
Persons who walk around dressed up like cowboys (drugstorians costumarians) were not considered in the final tallies unless they overlap or are cleaned up for the weekend.
In keeping with this bleak distinction it is now illegal to hunt or trap cowboys or interfere in any way with the normal migration and survival of the endangered breed.
Persons wishing to aid in he recovery of what was once a dominant species in the West can buy beers for the downtrodden. Offering to wash a pickup or two is seen as a strong gesture of recognition too.
Also joining the infamous list this year is the rare Split-Lip Passion Monkey, a genus not documented in the Rockies since 1900.
“Although nobody has seen one of these shy carnivorous primates since the Ute left town we know they are out there,” said one biologist. “Scat and tracks not attributed to any other creature indicate they exist. Cave drawings tell the tale.”
– Uncle Pahgre
