Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts

(Washington — Wishing for a Piggly Wiggly — January 13, 2015)

The nation’s burgeoning homeless here will be held responsible for damages done to corporate grocery carts according to an investigative wing of the Department of Justice. The federal fairness bureau then reminded all Americans that the wire and wheel push wagons are the privacy of the giant food cartels that feed the populace.

“Those carts are not yours, people,” said Evenkeel Canasta, of the Department of Final Affairs, a sub-contractor of the Committee of Accidental Impartiality. “They are provided only through the kindness of the supermarket barons. When one goes missing or is destroyed we all pay!”

Canasta went on to describe how the ruthless street poor misuse the grocery carts which are often stored unlocked, outside and accessible. Her voice, dropping off in manufactured despair, quavered when she spoke of homeless thugs trashing the steerage mechanism and then abandoning the provender carriages under bridges, in meth alleys and bad neighborhoods all over the city.

“We may all see the day when there are no workable grocery carts anywhere in the country. Then what will the productive segment of society do?

Already top grocers are considering loyalty carts and earned award use of push/pull devices for collecting groceries and hauling purchases to their cars. They say the expense of the operation would be staggering and that grocery prices would have to go up to pay for the privilege.

“Grocery carts are not an entitlement,” quacked Canasta, an outspoken critic of Social Security and Medicare but firm supporter of tax breaks for the petroleum industry. “Far too many Americans think they deserve free grocery carts and they favor helping the homeless with a handful of gimme and a mouthful of much obliged.”

An urban advocate for the homeless called Canasta’s comments cruel and callous, adding that government officials should learn how to keep their mouths shut on social issues that do not directly concern them.

“Does Ms. Canasta suggest that the homeless rent storage units to keep their belongings safe? Maybe they could form a cardboard owners association. If a homeless person wrecks a grocery cart and an oil tanker dumps oil all over a beach who are we going to prosecute?” she asked.

Canasta, undeterred by mounting criticism of the Department of Final Affairs as well as the Committee of Accidental Impartiality, continued to bash street people saying that even when they steal a cart they don’t take care of it.

“They abuse the cart then trade it in on a new one when nobody’s watching. Victual consumers and poorly motivated grocery personnel should be more careful, more attentive when employing this technology or we might forfeit conveniences like value cards and plastic bags at checkout,” she said.

“The only reason these great unwashed don’t steal the parking lots is that they are nailed down and difficult to store,” she roared. “I do not like the homeless.”
Canasta discounted the claims of human rights’ groups that the misuse of grocery carts are only a symptom of a far greater problem of desperation caused in part by corporate greed and the unfair distribution of opportunity in this country.

“I am so tired of listening to high-strung liberals whining,” said Canasta. “If you can’t cut it here in my America you should be deported.”

– Heather Hoffbrau