All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Will a Woman Grace the $20 Note?
(Funny Money Land – Fort Knocks & Notions – November 8, 2015)
A final decision as to who will replace Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill were whittled down to three this afternoon as committee upon committee made some difficult choices considering the number of nominations for the honor.
As the ink cleared Susan B. Anthony was nowhere to be seen. Instead a crack team of historians and bankers has named Grace Kelly, Harriet Tubman and Sacajawea as the finalists to replace Jackson, a murderer and extortionist without equal in the early days of the Piedmont frontier.
“It is high time we feature a woman on our currency,” said Norma Jingles, a currency expert at Dollars For Doughnuts, a shadow hedge fund administrator for the Ohio Valley.
“The late Robin Williams said it best,” continued Jingles. “He pulled out a one-dollar-bill and told the audience the face on it belonged to Barbara Bush, when in fact it was George Washington. How stodgy.”
In addition to the aforementioned three, top contenders had included Eleanor Roosevelt, Marilyn Monroe, Clara Barton, Katharine Hepburn, Pearl S. Buck, Emily Dickinson, Rosy the Riveter, Billy Holiday, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Kate Smith, Mother Jones, Jessica Rabbit, Janis Joplin, Dolly Parton, Georgia O’Keeffe and Cher.
Discussion continues tomorrow on who might replace two other undeserving bozos, Ulysses S. Grant and Andrew Hamilton on their respective bills. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Franklin are grandfathered in and believed to be safe from the feminization of legal tender at this time.
A final verdict is expected Monday.
Massive Oil Spill Threatens ISIS Positions in Iraq
Special from The Mosul Desert Star – November 7, 2015
ISIS tactics have taken on a more defensive posture due to a rare land oil spill in Iraq. It is said to be one of the largest petroleum accidents in the short history of human flirtation with fossil fuels. Early estimates confirm that the crude and bitumen database could see amounts exceeding 200 million gallons.
Dribbles and leaks of liquid petroleum hydrocarbons turned into full out gushing and colossal discharge this morning near Ramadi, a town vital to ISIS in its expansionary blueprint. The raggedy ISIS force, unaccustomed to fighting in oil up to its knees, began to disintegrate in the face of Kurdish advances. Retreating to higher ground, the militants were surrounded and disoriented, leaving many vulnerable to air assaults and concentrated artillery barrages that lasted all day.
Many, firing weapons into the sky and shouting trite slogans, cut off their own heads as a protest against the presence of Shiite militias in the region. It was quite a sight to see. They just staggered around in circles like chickens, and then dropped into the sand like dead ducks.
ISIS had repeatedly pledged to destroy all refineries operating here and in Syria.
“I guess they missed one or two,” said a UN Special Forces officer attached to the Kurdish ranks. “Those Sunni geologists just never were all that attentive.”
Frontline ISIS soldiers, advancing through sand storms, were stopped dead by an ever-increasing oil slick that formed in just hours.
Whether the spill is linked to oil gluts and lower prices per barrel was not disclosed. Leaders in Europe fear that Saudi Arabia and other major oil producing countries may have dumped the petroleum so as to create an artificial shortage and thus higher prices.
“What better place to dump any unwanted commodity,” said one Turkish geologist. No collisions, no groundings, no structural damage out there, just demonic fires and multi-color explosions. Wow.”
Called a terra spill in educated circles, the river of oil may succeed in destroying ISIS, although Mideast experts agree that, with the continuation of Western policies in the region, it will be just a matter of time before another militant group emerges.
“You just don’t drop in on a culture, colonize it for its resources, smash its culture, redraw political and religious maps and buddy up with its enemies without repercussions,” said the UN spokesperson.
– Mohammad Mosaddeq
HUNGRY BEAR HOROSCOPE
Everybody’s on the prowl this fall attempting to get their roots and berries in a row for autumn. We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what coming to you. Directions: For personal projection simply embrace verbiage under appropriate birth sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.
Ground retractions printed at $9.99 per pound. (November 6, 2015)
VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
Personal finances should not be made a crutch this month. Instead, a simple walking stick with a sharp end should do nicely. Wealthy people don’t worry about pocket change or holes in their pocket. Occupy your mind with frequent flyer miles. Too much time in the cereal aisle can result in a false sense of reality by breakfast time. Talk is cheap while advice has never closed ranks in a buyer’s market. Focus on what you are good at. Use a microscope. Tonight: Romance at twenty paces.
LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
Wyoming is not a state of mind. Two-a-days did not take. Grab a bucket or audition for the part of tackling dummy. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Ends will never meet but Scorpio linebackers can be quite compatible with the special team. Pay attention in the huddle. Don’t be overly defensive. Despite tedious preparation, over-running the play will still make one look bad from the stands. Shoulder pads work best if you have the head to go with them. Take cheerleaders at face value. An offensive line is never in good taste. Tonight: An etiquette sandwich.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Put tendencies toward outright panic behind you. An emotional ride will not be kind to the gas mileage and can be destructive to the interior as well. Check air pressure and go on. There is no sense being king of the hill if al the action is going on at sea level. An attractive airport security official may pat you down before evening falls. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Pluto, your ruling planet is at odds with Mercury, the planet of mind. Maybe you should invest in a meteor-proof vest. Tonight: Scapegoat cheese on the grill.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Although you may be overflowing with confidence be careful not to spill any on the wrappings of chronic insecurity. An inflated ego alone will not defeat Godzilla. You have to study the films. Deliver the goods and don’t stand around waiting for further compensation. While the injured feelings of others is not your concern it is not necessary to twist the knife either. Cutting corners does not work when it comes to concrete or jello. Fragile roots could leave you out on a limb down the road. Tonight: Life in a nutshell.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)
Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. It would appear from your solar chart that you have little to flaunt. Be careful of too much bass and mustache hairs in the pudding. Big things are in your future unless you diet now. Pulling your own strings can be quite a workout on its own. Free weights aren’t free. Exercise videos often lack a viable plot. A hunch that you are the target will be right on target through the 19th. Lady Luck is still the champion arm wrestler. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers arrive things may turn ugly. Tonight: Creamed corn falls on deaf ears.
AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Focus on the inconsequential. Bank on inner knowledge and expect current interest rates in return. People are comfortable ignoring you. Use this arrangement to your advantage. Sometimes invisible is better than invincible. Store all good intentions in a cool, dry place. Recycle opinions. This could be a pivotal year for you but not if you spend it spinning out of control. Life is a meaningless jumble of events but return tickets are not for sale. Flanking movements at the time clock will do little to insure job security. Tonight: Caviar with cheap champagne.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Hold your breath while out of the water. The lure of fame may tip the scale. Everyone breaks waves sometimes. There is no future in being part of the chowder. Don’t trust worms, grasshoppers or Indian scouts with brass buttons. Choose poisons carefully and discreetly. Mind over matter is of no use when you’ve already taken the bait. Burn out is rare in frigid waters. Bottom feeders should never focus on high and dry affairs of the heart when dinner’s on the table. Keep a civil tongue in your head despite anatomical differences. Tonight: Take a refresher course in humility.
ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Cattle prods could leave you suspicious of co-workers. Selling your soul in the market place does not guarantee residuals. Garbage truck crews rarely get rich on commissions. Change expression occasionally. Silly games are their own reward. Insulate yourself from errors in judgment. The reason that you have been misled is that you are stupid. Big hearts and small brains just don’t mix well. Try gin. Twisted souls can’t walk a straight line. Refer to contents listed on side panel. Tonight: Sign language by the light of the moon.
TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)
Romance in and of itself is not the ultimate stumbling block. It’s your social budget that separates you from the herd. Flock off. It’s better to hang out with nice people with money than poor folks with a bad attitude. Act surreptitiously when under fire. Dictionaries make fine helmets. When you begin to believe in yourself Tinkerbell cannot far away. Choose friends and snow tires carefully. A bad penny is easier to discard than a wooden nickel. Your jingle precedes you in fiscal circles. Tonight: Brood in the dark.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Embrace fringe relationships. That person in the mirror may not be your best friend. Keep emotions at an arm’s length and the point of retreat in the rear view. Use your energy in canning technology. Play the roll of a martyr only if you get your own dressing room. The Sun is still searching for a dynamic sector of your chart. Send up a flare. Shuffle the demands of peers and soon they will disintegrate. Dismissal from jury duty is no excuse for violence. Give someone your divided attention and all three of you will come out ahead. Tonight: Follow your own lead.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Tendencies toward the reclusive benefit neighborhood interaction. Soften arrivals with clear dates of departure. Keep your options open an your mouth closed. Tolerance is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent ideas are less than brilliant. When all else fails order a pizza. Life may be a roller-coaster and here you are without a proper windshield. Mental capacities are on the Imperial unit while romance is measured in Centigrade. Loitering near the garbage truck could put you in bad company.
LEO (July 24 – August 23)
King or queen of the jungle is only a title. The real power lies within the realm of prime minister. A fish on a park bench is better than a flash in the pan. Drive-in movies are worth little at high noon. Celebrate an anniversary when you damn well feel like it. Diamonds are not in the shape of your heart. Catch and release will keep unwanted overtures on the chopping block. Passion will seek its own level even if it’s a lubricant of dreams. Your eyes may be bigger than your stomach. Tie up loose cannons. Why change oil if the engine still functions? Tonight: Limes make a persuasive case.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)
Feds Threaten Meat Supply in Pot Beef
(Leadville, CO High Country Smoke Rings November 5, 2015)
Controlled personalities at the federal level have threatened to cut off Colorado’s meat sources if that state doesn’t tow the line on U.S. marijuana laws. Colorado, along with Oregon and Washington has decriminalized the use of pot in small amounts for recreational use.
“The feds don’t like to be outflanked,” said a pro-pot source here. They like to dictate to us, to be in charge. Our lickety-split, wham bam amendment to the state constitution nailed them to a tree.”
Instead of embracing progressive stands on social issues, neighboring states have petitioned the federal government for help enforcing archaic pot laws in their states. The frustrated response has been nothing more than a series of ultimatums but now it looks like some probing action is in the wings.
“They may be serious about his meat thing,” said the source, “but Colorado is self-sufficient. We have the water, the timber, the sun, the wildlife, the lifestyle and yes, plenty of meat. We also tolerate others, even vegetarians! Out neighboring states are just jealous.”
Applications for hunting licenses have jumped 46% since the federal meat threat was made public. Sales of firearms and gear have been off the charts indicating that a massive in-state hunting population will take to the woods in October.
If Colorado decides to heal and follow the precepts of the central government the meat wagons will once again cross the prairie. If not it could be grilled cheese and tomato soup for the winter.
“It’s the old classic state’s rights question here,” said the pro-marijuana spokesman. “We went to war on this issue once and may have to do so again. Either way I’ve been taking a lot of target practice.”
How this recent bullying might affect the pot status in Washington and Oregon was not undressed. Several other states are expected to include propositions and amendments on the question of recreational marijuana use on their November ballots. Many already have medical marijuana programs in force.
Tentative legislation is impending in six other states that have been impressed with Colorado’s experimental successes.
– Gabby Haze
Coalition Bombing Up In Air
The holy Good Guy Coalition dropped 6023 bombs on ISIS positions in Iraq and Syria today achieving 2 confirmed kills. Is it bad aim that is the culprit here? How many times has the West taken out top leaders? How many top leaders are there anyway? Why does ISIS appeal to so many younger people all over the globe? Many are not even Muslims. Somebody ain’t tellin’ the truth here. With the level of munitions employed, every ISIS madmen should have been killed 23 times. Somebody making money?
Lobbying Reviewable in 2016
The corrupt culture of lobbying our elected officials will be subject to instant replay next year. All deals made on and off the Congressional floor will be “looked at” by unidentified persons up the Atlantic Coast in New York. Antagonists, protagonists and persons of interest will have two opportunities during Congressman’s term to throw a red flag onto the floor of the House or Senate in dispute of a particular call or arrangement. If a pay-off or favor is deemed illegal it can be reversed after the replay and the offending parties are incarcerated with the death penalty pending.
Mice Active in Wake of El Nino
Got mice? A lot of people report that they have had an increase in the long-tailed visitors this fall. Rodents, looking for a place to nest, follow their instincts in apprehension of cold weather coming fast. Sales of mousetraps, poisons and sealants have been off the charts as the pests invade the domiciles of the righteous and the sinner alike. Tips from local exterminator include not opening your doors, not eating in the house and getting a hungry cat.
Western Colorado Report — November 4, 2015
Bear Launch Website
(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)
(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.
It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.
The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.
“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”
Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”
Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.
“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel
