All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
NRA TAPS BOOP
Rifle, CO Cartoons For Peace Nov 2, 2015
The National Rifle Association has recruited 1930s cartoon bombshell Betty Boop as its spokesman for 2016. Boop is best remembered for her curious “OOP Boop EE Doop” and her rosy-cheeked way with male cartoon characters on the set and in private life.
The NRA, like most massive corporations, no longer represents individual gun owners but rather its own self-interest. Yet it affirms that Boop was drafted due to her positive attitude and because she might appeal to older Americans. Most people in this country under 40 have never heard of Betty.
“We’re talking to several other unnamed prospects to reach out to the younger set,” said Wrenille Banger. “We want to be in the trenches will full pack and ammo come election season.”
Insiders suggest that leading candidates are Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam and several well-armed Barbies. Noe of these are dangerous says the NRA and will be instructed only to shoot over the heads of adversaries.
As Americans become more distracted and less aware of the real issues, corporations continue to aim at the lowest common denominator in an attempt to take over the reigns of government. In the case of the Boop icon it is a clear case of distraction.
“Watch my hand, not my mouth,” laughs Dr. Elsappe Flashing of Cal Amari Institute, where Betty was first unveiled. She’s a good one and will do fine surrounded by coyotes. There is nothing to worry about.”
Although the final details are still on the table Boop and her entourage will relocate to Los Angeles before the end of the year. She will be one of six featured speakers at the John Wayne-Ronald Reagan War Film Festival in January.
Readers may recall that neither Wayne nor Reagan served in combat rolls, yet impersonate real warriors in some destructive, clean-sheet masquerade that is fed to the public as real war. Boop, as it turns out is their peer, having seen the Great Depression and World War II from the safety of stage and screen.
The NRA is playing down the development until after hunting season. Sources at Boop Camp did not return our hone calls Thursday.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Closed for Harvest
Safe in my garden an ancient flower grows. The positive medical attributes of cannabis have been denied for decades so these guys can take your money. DRUGS! (October 31, 2015)
Woman Rescues Moose From Pool
(Miller Mesa — Ridgway Follies — October 30, 2015)
Olivia Tinkleholland was just out for a quick swim in the backyard when she claims she heard cries for help. A storm was brewing and a large Bull Moose was having trouble treading water in her tiny swimming pool.
“He was struggling then he completely disappeared from view. I knew I had to act,” said the reluctant hero.
Despite raging torrents and record waves she dove in and swam to the rescue. Repeatedly diving below the surface and wrapping her exquisite body around the drowning animals’ torso she finally managed to pull the 900-pound to dry land.
Olivia Tinkleholland Consoles New Moose Friend on Dry Land Once More
Adrenaline pumping, she dragged the waterlogged beast out of harm’s way.
“I held his head back out of the water and latched on with my arms around his neck,” she said. Once we were out of the pool he seemed to relax, to trust me,” she sighed. “It’s a good thing I kept up with my moose to moose resuscitation techniques.”
Tinkleholland exhibited her well-documented “wicked kick” in order to bring the animals back to its senses. Exhausted she still maintained the prudence and clear presence of mind to skillfully scan the water for other creatures in peril. Seeing that all was well she returned to the moose and comforted him until authorities arrived.
“It’s funny that the woods are full of hunters looking for a moose and I found a new friend in my own backyard,” she smirked.
A sheriff’s deputy told The Horseshoe that while moose sightings of this kind are rare they do happen and everyone must be on the alert.
“No one should be surprised at what the run-off might bring, even this time of the year.
Meanwhile happy ending henchmen down in town are suggesting that Tinkleholland is a seriously out of touch with reality and that the moose did not need rescuing.
– Uncle Pahgre
Hunting Camp Magic!
- (Uncompahgre Plateau) Here in fading light we experience a rare glimpse into the mystique of the fall ritual. Hunting camp falls silent at exactly the moment when all the deer and elk are hung and all the beer is gone. Moments after this shot life returned to normal as thirsty hunters tore down camp and packed up for a trip to the freezer and later the culinary galaxies of elk steak and venison stew. Persons remaining in the woods are reminded that helicopter beer drops will continue only until November 15. Participating liquor stores are Gunnison Liquors and Ouray Liquors as well as The Liquor Store and Bottle Barn in Montrose. Ask them about the Horseshoe Discount. (October 29, 2015)
