HUNGRY BEAR HOROSCOPE

Everybody’s on the prowl this fall attempting to get their roots and berries in a row for autumn. We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what coming to you. Directions: For personal projection simply embrace verbiage under appropriate birth sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.

Ground retractions printed at $9.99 per pound.  (November 6, 2015)

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
Personal finances should not be made a crutch this month. Instead, a simple walking stick with a sharp end should do nicely. Wealthy people don’t worry about pocket change or holes in their pocket. Occupy your mind with frequent flyer miles. Too much time in the cereal aisle can result in a false sense of reality by breakfast time. Talk is cheap while advice has never closed ranks in a buyer’s market. Focus on what you are good at. Use a microscope. Tonight: Romance at twenty paces.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
Wyoming is not a state of mind. Two-a-days did not take. Grab a bucket or audition for the part of tackling dummy. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Ends will never meet but Scorpio linebackers can be quite compatible with the special team. Pay attention in the huddle. Don’t be overly defensive. Despite tedious preparation, over-running the play will still make one look bad from the stands. Shoulder pads work best if you have the head to go with them. Take cheerleaders at face value. An offensive line is never in good taste. Tonight: An etiquette sandwich.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Put tendencies toward outright panic behind you. An emotional ride will not be kind to the gas mileage and can be destructive to the interior as well. Check air pressure and go on. There is no sense being king of the hill if al the action is going on at sea level. An attractive airport security official may pat you down before evening falls. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Pluto, your ruling planet is at odds with Mercury, the planet of mind. Maybe you should invest in a meteor-proof vest. Tonight: Scapegoat cheese on the grill.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Although you may be overflowing with confidence be careful not to spill any on the wrappings of chronic insecurity. An inflated ego alone will not defeat Godzilla. You have to study the films. Deliver the goods and don’t stand around waiting for further compensation. While the injured feelings of others is not your concern it is not necessary to twist the knife either. Cutting corners does not work when it comes to concrete or jello. Fragile roots could leave you out on a limb down the road. Tonight: Life in a nutshell.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)
Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. It would appear from your solar chart that you have little to flaunt. Be careful of too much bass and mustache hairs in the pudding. Big things are in your future unless you diet now. Pulling your own strings can be quite a workout on its own. Free weights aren’t free. Exercise videos often lack a viable plot. A hunch that you are the target will be right on target through the 19th. Lady Luck is still the champion arm wrestler. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers arrive things may turn ugly. Tonight: Creamed corn falls on deaf ears.

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Focus on the inconsequential. Bank on inner knowledge and expect current interest rates in return. People are comfortable ignoring you. Use this arrangement to your advantage. Sometimes invisible is better than invincible. Store all good intentions in a cool, dry place. Recycle opinions. This could be a pivotal year for you but not if you spend it spinning out of control. Life is a meaningless jumble of events but return tickets are not for sale. Flanking movements at the time clock will do little to insure job security. Tonight: Caviar with cheap champagne.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Hold your breath while out of the water. The lure of fame may tip the scale. Everyone breaks waves sometimes. There is no future in being part of the chowder. Don’t trust worms, grasshoppers or Indian scouts with brass buttons. Choose poisons carefully and discreetly. Mind over matter is of no use when you’ve already taken the bait. Burn out is rare in frigid waters. Bottom feeders should never focus on high and dry affairs of the heart when dinner’s on the table. Keep a civil tongue in your head despite anatomical differences. Tonight: Take a refresher course in humility.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Cattle prods could leave you suspicious of co-workers. Selling your soul in the market place does not guarantee residuals. Garbage truck crews rarely get rich on commissions. Change expression occasionally. Silly games are their own reward. Insulate yourself from errors in judgment. The reason that you have been misled is that you are stupid. Big hearts and small brains just don’t mix well. Try gin. Twisted souls can’t walk a straight line. Refer to contents listed on side panel. Tonight: Sign language by the light of the moon.

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)
Romance in and of itself is not the ultimate stumbling block. It’s your social budget that separates you from the herd. Flock off. It’s better to hang out with nice people with money than poor folks with a bad attitude. Act surreptitiously when under fire. Dictionaries make fine helmets. When you begin to believe in yourself Tinkerbell cannot far away. Choose friends and snow tires carefully. A bad penny is easier to discard than a wooden nickel. Your jingle precedes you in fiscal circles. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Embrace fringe relationships. That person in the mirror may not be your best friend. Keep emotions at an arm’s length and the point of retreat in the rear view. Use your energy in canning technology. Play the roll of a martyr only if you get your own dressing room. The Sun is still searching for a dynamic sector of your chart. Send up a flare. Shuffle the demands of peers and soon they will disintegrate. Dismissal from jury duty is no excuse for violence. Give someone your divided attention and all three of you will come out ahead. Tonight: Follow your own lead.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Tendencies toward the reclusive benefit neighborhood interaction. Soften arrivals with clear dates of departure. Keep your options open an your mouth closed. Tolerance is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent ideas are less than brilliant. When all else fails order a pizza. Life may be a roller-coaster and here you are without a proper windshield. Mental capacities are on the Imperial unit while romance is measured in Centigrade. Loitering near the garbage truck could put you in bad company.

LEO (July 24 – August 23)
King or queen of the jungle is only a title. The real power lies within the realm of prime minister. A fish on a park bench is better than a flash in the pan. Drive-in movies are worth little at high noon. Celebrate an anniversary when you damn well feel like it. Diamonds are not in the shape of your heart. Catch and release will keep unwanted overtures on the chopping block. Passion will seek its own level even if it’s a lubricant of dreams. Your eyes may be bigger than your stomach. Tie up loose cannons. Why change oil if the engine still functions? Tonight: Limes make a persuasive case.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)