Guilt Allotment Reaches Crested Butte

(Elk Mountain Report – March 25, 2015)
Crested butte’s semi-monthly allocation of prime grade guilt arrived here this afternoon, two days behind schedule, but much to the relief of needy citizens. Many say they were just days from depletion of September’s historic airdrop, part of which was hauled away upon impact by local black bear.
The cargo, hauled in from the Confront Range was poured out all over the town’s major intersections and lapped up under the close scrutiny of all sorts of morality brokers.
Reporter Melvin Toole, of the now defunct Baldwin Beekeeper saw it this way:
“There they were, the guiltless, the flirtatious, the wickedly happy assembled sans buckets at the onus froth to receive their due. Have I detected a smile, a frown, any emotion at all?
“The rickety carts, now freed of their unholy loads, stood motionless at the end of the pavement,” he continued, “their drivers arrogantly spitting and rolling cigarettes while doling out careful quotas of heavy blame and overripe culpability from large plastic garbage cans.”
A spokesperson for the Jokerville Guilt Guild confirmed reports that although funding was still frozen, the government would pick up the tab for this month’s shipment.
“The cost of transporting mass quantities of guilt from the urban centers to so many Hootervilles has risen sharply since the inception of the program in 1985,” explained Emily Marmotbreath of Irwin, Executive Director of Rocks and Pieces of Kindling, the parent non-profit of the guild.
“The demand has remained much the same with some citizens ignoring the program altogether, probably because of pride or ignorance,” she added. “According to many of our eloquent institutions humans cannot live without a minimal application of guilt. The guild simply seeks to maintain a level compatible with churches, schools, gov’ment and social standing within the community.
Supporters of the program go to great lengths to credit the guilt drops for the dramatic rise in casual celibacy and a decrease in narcotics use during the week. A final measure, to be hashed out by the Colorado House, will then be nailed on neighborhood doors from Cortez to Burlington by Friday.
“A society at peace with itself can not flourish,” said Syd Fahrt, a leading proponent. “It is the ultimate powder keg. Guilt holds the inside track in the much-desired “redeeming value” category. Until we come up with an effective substitute guilt is what we have and what we will employ.”
Fahrt then went on to blame President Obama and all people of color for what he called “a failure to adopt sufficient guilt trips in their daily lives.
“Just look at those Blacks and Latinos out there having fun while the white folks sit at home guilty about not mowing the lawn or putting money into the collection plate. It is quite pathetic,” he mused.
Critics point to the rampant abuses that have raised more than one eyebrow in the Senate. Even though most agree that society would fall apart without guilt they contend that the present programs are expensive, ineffective, discriminatory and dull. Slow-moving guilt wagons on the highway and their often surly and abusive drivers on Colorado’s high passes.
“We support aerial spraying and/or the introduction of safe levels directly into the food and water supply,” added Marmotbreath, who is also the Executive Director of Airplanes and Syringes in Western Colorado.
The aerial method, dubbed crop duster zero by jokesters over at the Council of Christians and Jews has come under heavy bombardment by Libertarians and ecological lobbies who fear the spraying will adversely affect voter behavior and quite possibly kill off the local magpie population creating an overabundance of bad guilt. Up until now guilt-free voters slept through Election Day and magpies cleaned the highways exhibiting no outward signs of guilt, overtaking even vultures and slugs in that ranking.
Residents of Gunnison County and holders of a condo key are entitled to 350 grams of guilt per day until May 15 when unused piles of guilt will be swept up and ignited. The ash is then sent to the former Soviet Union where it might do some good in a more primitive form.
The next scheduled stop for the guilt procession is Gothic where in November partisans blocked the road and sniped at the guilt peddlers, wounding three. This time around the guilt carts will be escorted by idle Colorado State snowplows. Air support will be provided by the Saudi Air Force Marching Band. – Kashmir Horseshoe