Bear Launch Website

(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)

(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.

It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.

The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.

“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”

Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”

Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.

“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel