All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

New Dumps Planned for Breakaway Villages

(Nucla — Twin Cities Pilot – November 15, 2015)

An innovative yet controversial landfill, built to accommodate old, useless politicians has been tentatively approved by parliaments in both Nucla and Naturita, in the disaffected region of Western Montrose County.

Leaders in the Twin Cities feel that this kind of clean air industry will someday promote the stable growth needed if plans to create a new county are to survive. Projections call for a minimum 200 “apartments” or plots to be constructed by next spring with the facility in full operation by fall of 2016.

“This is purist recycling at its best,” said Chad Rammerbean, who has fathered the concept (as well as many of the children in the area). “We are bogged down with tired old politicos with their heads firmly planted in the 20th Century. If we can only attract a few big names to start with we feel the rest will follow,” he explained.

The resting place, originally called the (late) Bob Corey-LP Landfill, will be renamed The Millard Fillmore Center, so as to avoid hurt feelings. Misconceptions regarding health issues have created problems in an area that once welcomed nuclear waste services and reveled in the glow of uranium leftovers.

“We don’t feel comfortable with all those politicians hanging around,” said one resident. “Many of us are against the name of the place since it fails to recognize worthless electoral parasites from right here in the West End. If we’re going to build this thing let’s at least keep the name local,” he stressed.

The old politicians will be stores above ground so as to minimize affects on watersheds and water storage. While many local businesses have supported the effort with contributions and sweat equity the region’s most visible enterprise, Union Carbide (the hero of Bhopal) declined to contribute so much as a penny.

“We have already given these elected officials more than enough money during their respective tenures,” said a spokesperson for Union Carbide.

“Most of them were quite cooperative in keeping our environmental operations under wraps. “We see no point in paying them now that they have lost their clout.”

The dump will accept political waste from as far away as New York and Florida. As the capacity increases here politicians from foreign countries may be considered. The only stipulation is that the “client” is still breathing.

“We’re not a morgue,” said Rammerbean.

Meanwhile over in Naturita a satellite industry has quickly emerged, one that would house obsolete words and phrases, discarded elevator music, unread books, top hats, spats, black % white TVs and period sneakers. Already principles claim to have contracts with words such as huzzah, Dodman, dog-leech, thou, atole brose, afoot and cucking-stool.

This literary and popular culture landfill is called Widow Bench Estates, after a little–used term referring to the share of a husband’s estate inherited by his surviving wife. – Melvin O’Toole

Colona Getting Taller

Wildcat Creek — Ouray County Nibbles — Nov 14, 2015

The little town of Colona is growing taller according to a recent health physical published in the popular Armenian Health and Rock Climber. Although exact figures were unavailable expert sources confirmed the increase.

“We hadn’t seen Colona for six months and my how she’s sprouted up, marveled Edna Singe, a painful busybody living out Buckhorn way. “She’s lost a lot of baby fat and is easily a head teller than her Aunt Sapinero and even her tubby Uncle Cahone.”

Already basketball scouts have been dropping in hoping to recruit the gangly Colona for sports programs.

“Our grocery bill has certainly gone up,” said an unconfirmed source in the county’s third largest urban center.

With a taller Colona in the picture there comes an increase in altitude, the need for more personal space and a far-better view of the San Juans. Some added expenses and fiscal considerations are simply not applicable anymore because the town is becoming unmanageable.

“We’re not just talking vertical here,” said a member of the town’s prestigious shadow government. “Colona’s feet and ass end are getting bigger too,” he gasped. “Do you know how much it costs to buy sox for a growing, albeit small, town? Trousers are a nightmare.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

For more on this powder keg story see

COLONA TOLL ROAD EXPENSIVE AFRONT TO LOG HILL, TELLURIDE

Horseshoe to take town to Disneyland

(Wildcat Creek — Fantasyland Courier — November 13, 2015)

In an attempt to gain local favor and secure tax considerations the San Juan Horseshoe will take the entire town of Colona, Colorado to Disneyland for the holidays. Residents of the town will be flown to Southern California and stay at the Anaheim Hillshire Gardens. Spending money will be provided as well.

“Everyone is packed and ready,” said a civic source. “All the paperwork is done and the reservations confirmed. We’re just waiting for the plane to land in the Hotchkiss pasture.”

When asked why the paper would go to such great lengths to take an entire town on vacation a spokesperson said, “It’s cheaper than taking Ridgway.”
A source close to the publisher aid she hoped the excursion would come off.

“We tried this with Chicago last year and it was a mess.”

Snowy Steeple in Ouray

Here comes winter and the holidays on its tail. Time to store your nuts and grow a heavy coat. Life is downright wonderful here in the Rockies. (11/12/15)

An Expensive and Immoral Charade

with Big Hat Earl MacAdoo
(Warshington Wringer  —  November 11, 2015)

Democracy Lite

A circus atmosphere permeates the hallways here as Democrats and Republicans hit the campaign trail instead of staying in Washington and undressing the nation’s pressing dilemmas. It’s the same old suits stroking their fortunes, belting out distracting and irrelevant rhetoric while many American families are living a much different life.

Is that how it’s always been and how it always will be? Lets get a handle on these outrageous social expenditures like welfare and social security. Just a little fudging here and a little robbery there and we could afford to build three new bombers a month.

Now I’m not saying the proposed Aisle Wall, to be built between the Democrats and Republicans sometime in March, is a bad idea. I’m just wondering what the price tag might demand. We need a wall along the Mexican border and between Alaska and Russia and along the Mason-Dixon Line too! Nebraska wants to build one to keep out Colorado pot. Utah has the blueprint for a Tsunami-proof lake affect wall like the one the Little Dutch Boy plugged. Monsatan Corporation wants to build a wall around its agricultural killing fields. I want a wall to keep my goat herder neighbors out of my pumpkin patch.

When you begin to build your own wall be sure not to leave a crawl space at the bottom. Vermin can transform themselves like rats into soft, flat creatures and easily outflank your ramparts and breastworks. Mine has a dandy little coin-operated gate that allows my wealthier friends access while restricting the Great Unwashed.

Moses Horowitz de facto leader

Former SS Cook Subject to Cross-Examination

A alleged SS cookbook author and feared camp cook will testify before the House Trays and Beans Committee tomorrow over allegations that wrote propaganda for the Third Reich in the 1940s.

Horowitz, or Howard, (a marginalized stage name) has operated with so many aliases that no one knows his given name or if he ever had one. He is expected to be charged with compliance with, conspiracy in , and accessory to violent silliness while employed at the now defunct Curly Prison. The defendant  allegedly hit prisoners in the face with wrenches, pinched their noses with pliers and hit them with pipes and baseball bats at the privately run for profit calaboose over in Maryland.

In addition, the cook (who was going by the name Moe at press time), a man named Larry and the shuffling prison warden and namesake, Curly repeatedly engaged in punitive behavior including poking convicts in the eyes, violent slapping, pulling (boxing) ears and smashing their toes with hammers.

The House Committee has viewed virtually every Three Stooges film as part of the extensive fact-fining mission aimed at determining guilt in this sad affair.

Readers may recall that the earlier Stooges movies often served as inspiration and fodder for the Federal Reserve System, established back in 1913 but reaching its apex during the Great Depression.

Congress Cast Out

Chattering of Perfect Teeth Observed

The entire United States Congress, was sent away early this morning after it was determined that they were not doing anything to help the nation. The former lawmakers will be replaced by a small duck.

The current conflict came to a head Saturday when it was discovered hat none of the Senators and Representatives could pass proposed background checks for the purchase of a gun.

According to questionable sources the politicos will no longer receive retirement pensions, paychecks, health care or limo rides. Each will receive five acres, a mule and a cheap suit.

As the sun began to set on the Capitol Dome an estimated 525 former big shots could be seen scurrying across the Anacostia River, a lobbyist under each arm.

Deer Fence Mastermind Injured

(Ridgway, CO — Miller Mesa Free Flow — November 9, 2015)

The recognized inventor and developer of deer fence was injured this evening the result of a collision with a bull elk on Highway 550, three miles north of the Owl Creek Road.

Amal LeFlemme’s late model pickup was then simultaneously hit by falling rock and struck by lighting at the exact time of impact from the wreck. He is resting at St. Roscoe’s Hospital as we speak.

LeFlemme, whose favorite slogan is “Be ready for anything!” told The Horseshoe that although he had not been prepared for the elk, the rocks or the lightning his “deer fence held up remarkably well under the worst of situations.”