Massive Oil Spill Threatens ISIS Positions in Iraq

Special from The Mosul Desert Star – November 7, 2015

ISIS tactics have taken on a more defensive posture due to a rare land oil spill in Iraq. It is said to be one of the largest petroleum accidents in the short history of human flirtation with fossil fuels. Early estimates confirm that the crude and bitumen database could see amounts exceeding 200 million gallons.

Dribbles and leaks of liquid petroleum hydrocarbons turned into full out gushing and colossal discharge this morning near Ramadi, a town vital to ISIS in its expansionary blueprint. The raggedy ISIS force, unaccustomed to fighting in oil up to its knees, began to disintegrate in the face of Kurdish advances. Retreating to higher ground, the militants were surrounded and disoriented, leaving many vulnerable to air assaults and concentrated artillery barrages that lasted all day.

Many, firing weapons into the sky and shouting trite slogans, cut off their own heads as a protest against the presence of Shiite militias in the region. It was quite a sight to see. They just staggered around in circles like chickens, and then dropped into the sand like dead ducks.

ISIS had repeatedly pledged to destroy all refineries operating here and in Syria.
“I guess they missed one or two,” said a UN Special Forces officer attached to the Kurdish ranks. “Those Sunni geologists just never were all that attentive.”

Frontline ISIS soldiers, advancing through sand storms, were stopped dead by an ever-increasing oil slick that formed in just hours.

Whether the spill is linked to oil gluts and lower prices per barrel was not disclosed. Leaders in Europe fear that Saudi Arabia and other major oil producing countries may have dumped the petroleum so as to create an artificial shortage and thus higher prices.

“What better place to dump any unwanted commodity,” said one Turkish geologist. No collisions, no groundings, no structural damage out there, just demonic fires and multi-color explosions. Wow.”

Called a terra spill in educated circles, the river of oil may succeed in destroying ISIS, although Mideast experts agree that, with the continuation of Western policies in the region, it will be just a matter of time before another militant group emerges.

“You just don’t drop in on a culture, colonize it for its resources, smash its culture, redraw political and religious maps and buddy up with its enemies without repercussions,” said the UN spokesperson.
– Mohammad Mosaddeq