Putin Legalizes Pot, Saves Ruble

(From Soviet High Life – January 10, 2015)
Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the decriminalization of marijuana in the former Soviet Union. The action, a surprise to even his closest advisors, is already having major economic impact on the tumbling ruble.
“He has saved the ruble,” said one Red Square vender.
Taxes collected from the sale and cultivation of hemp and cannabis are expected snatch Russia from a catastrophic recession linked to military adventurism in Ukraine and subsequent sanctions imposed by the West.
“We are creating a hedge against illegal sanctions,” said one Putin spokesman. “This is strictly economic and we do not endorse the smoking of anything but factory stacks and cooking fires within these shifting borders.
The drastic policy change comes as the ruble is under fire and poised to collapse on world markets. Already taxes collected have relieved pressure on government debt and loans due to China. Forecasters suggest that if the current trends continue the country could be “out of the woods” by early 2018.
“We have seen little bearing on vodka sales which make up some 35% of the Russian GNP,” said the Putin aide. “Right now all of the cannabis must be imported from Afghanistan, Turkey, Pakistan and Iran but soon we will have our own greenhouses.”
Plans to buy pot from Finland, Holland and Colorado, in the United States, are on hold until it is determined if international law would be breeched by these arrangements. NATO, recently deemed the biggest military threat to Russia, has not said whether it will intercept pot shipments or honor the wishes of the Russian government.
“Putin has once again shown himself capable of making tough, controversial decisions involving the people of Russia,” said the source. “Now we are free to take on the crisis of pharmaceutical abuse and the irresponsibility of many physicians in glibly prescribing medications in return for kickbacks from the drug companies.
In other action, sure to cause uproar on the Potomac, Putin supports the democratic action of Washington DC voters who approved legal marijuana in the nation’s capital back in November. Despite a majority the Congress nullified the legal vote, keeping the substance illegal and creating more and more criminals to file as fodder through the justice system.
The Ukraine as well as upstarts Oklahoma, Nebraska has filed a lawsuit and threatened further economic sanctions in the form of withholding grain from Russia.
“Mr. Putin has performed a coup here,” according to the Moscow papers, “one that will not be washed away by tiny minds, running dog capitalists and throwback moralists.”
It is unclear whether Black Sea Red or the its more potent cousin Moscow Zonked, will do well against the imports or if Putin will slap tariffs on foreign weed now legally imported onto the steppes and into the Urals from South Asia.