NERD ELK — THE SHAME OF THE ROCKIES

(From Racks To Riches Report — October 22, 2015)

(Ridgway) At first it was only the few. Pocket protectors, tape on their spectacles, higher math taking up a majority of their social life. Who are they, these geek mammals that roam the forest in search of food left behind by healthier animals?

They are the milksops of the deer family, the eggheads of the rut…The nerd elk. Browbeaten by the other animals in the herd these mutant beasts go about their business, calculator at hand trying, like any other sexually motivated critter, to get a date for Saturday night. Often they fall short and spend another weekend under a tree or with the other nerd colleagues.

Biologists here feel the nerd elk are a product of too much contact with humans.

“It starts with the tagging, then the salt licks and the winter feeding programs,” said Small Mouth Bess, who has been observing fringe elements of the Rockies, even sociopathic animals for 30 years. “With the coming of the hippies in the late Sixties most herd animals began to feel comfortable in the company of humans. They all had the same basic scent, dressed pretty much in the same style, listened to the same music.”

The nerd element within the herd began to rear its head by 1970 with a segment discarding the ancient macho image for one of intellectual pursuit.

“It’s not to say that the elk population couldn’t use a few Einsteins,” said Bess. “It’s more a matter of survival and the traits and instincts that a mammal brought to this world. A bull elk in the scope of a high powered rifle will not survive on the basis of determining the square root of the problem. Nor will he make it home for dinner by coming up with the correct hypotenuse for the triangle of fire.”

Cow elk can be nerds too. In fact for the past ten years the population of nerd cow elk is way up again related to social movements in the human population. Many cow are sick of the traditional rolls within the herd and seek careers or even public office.

“The other day I saw a red neck looking cow riding on top of a road grader,” laughed Bess. Some call it antler envy but I contend that having a female on the job helps moral immensely.”

Sadly, as one might expect the nerd elk are the first to go in what we humans call the harvest. When confronted with armed humans in orange these double dome elk cannot fall back on the wily traits of the forest animals. They are far too busy attempting to figure out a chemistry formula or the distance from one point to another in light years.

Bam! Bam! Bam! Dead and in the freezer, notebooks, clipboard, maybe even hush puppy loafers and nerd sox languishing in the mud and snow. Another victim of the balance. Survival of the fittest takes on new meaning within these pathetic ranks.