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Bake sale to fund snow removal

(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion Hall in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.

Low Riders prohibidos por Engineer

Low Riders prohibidos por Engineer

(Ouray) Las personas que operan vehículos de pasajeros bajos, amortiguadores hidráulicos, woodies de la era espacial, vehículos recreativos y Humvees rotos han sido prohibidos en Engineer Pass debido a consideraciones de espacio libre. El paso, conocido por los profundos barrancos y los montículos de pizarra, es un desafío para los vehículos todo terreno.

Según el Servicio Forestal y el Departamento de Transporte, los vehículos de la calle no tienen por qué atravesar curvas cerradas y manipular pendientes pronunciadas que se encuentran en Engineer. Ambos dicen que se pueden emplear matemáticas simples para determinar la tasa de éxito en la negociación del pase.

Además de los peligros de la altura, muchos de estos vehículos prohibidos simplemente no tienen el par para llegar a la cima.

Los funcionarios del condado de Hinsdale aún tienen que decidir qué, si se debe tomar alguna medida, en su lado del paso. Muchos sienten que si los conductores del interior del país llegan a la cima, no deberían tener restricciones en el descenso. Recuerdan a todos los conductores que revisen sus frenos antes de comenzar cuesta abajo. 

-Dolores Alegria

Hermits to host mixer

(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 29 and 30 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two-day affair.

Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.

“Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”

Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.

“There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus, a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”

Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.

“We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.

Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene. 

We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?”

“The human sense of compassion was throttled in countless court-martials, turning everything back to right, so very American right: My Lai is now a tourist destination. There are promo posters in the hotels VISIT MAI LAI. Hearts and minds cast the soul. Herbicides and defoliants. Have the ancestors deserted us for the spirit world? Are they the ghosts in our dreams?

– GI Joe, in Sons of the Morning Star.

People will live on hot air balloons says seer

(Pitkin, CO) The Quartz Creek man credited with the invention of the composting bicycle helmet and a slew of alarming, yet spot on predictions, says a majority of people will be residing in helium balloons by the next decade.

Dr. Dutch Salamina, a recovering lecturer at Cal Polygamy, says his forecasts have fallen on deaf ears. His prediction, validated perhaps by dead- on, often unsettling prophecies, has been the butt of jokes on late night TV and virtually ignored by engineering and aeronautical experts.

Lest we forget Salamina envisaged the passive acceptance of organic calculation, the robotic embrace of nanotechnology, the stark descent to Second Dark Ages and the arrival of space aliens and their annoying dogs to Colorado and Utah.

According to the doctor life in a hot air balloon can be an effective redoubt against viruses, TV news, air pollution, idiot neighbors, political parties and the Internet. Cell phone use and fast food access will depend on local service and stench ordinances in force in the firmament.

He did not elaborate further.   

“A veces la ruta no exista.”    Alejandro Murphy

Liberals Plan Coupe te Grasso

Liberals Plan Coupe te Grasso

A devious plot to steal Christmas has been thwarted according to Homeland Security personnel who say they have 30 known liberals in custody this morning. The seizure was slated for Christmas Day when all the righteous folk are opening presents. “We choked this one off right at the larnyx,” said one immigration official: Liberals, like those featured above, have allegedly been planning a fashionable Coupes te Monserrat since last year. The insidious scam was to abduct Christmas and replace it with a pagan, secular, communist Winter Solstice. Insiders say the great unwashed would never have embraced the modification that sought to replace plastic Christmas lights with stars and constellations. Business and civic leaders supported what they call arbitrary despotism since the ancient observation of the solstice has no ledger sheet.

Wilds Win Yacht in Horseshoe Raffle

Wilds Win Yacht in Horseshoe Raffle

Felicidades to Gary and Debbie Wild, the winners of a new boat as part of the gala Day-Old Fish Raffle held at San Carlos, Sonora. Bankrolled (except for drinks) by the San Juan Horseshoe, all proceeds go to underprivileged bait cutters everywhere. The winners, formerly of Ouray, were forced to disguise the craft in Christmas lights to get it across the border.