Breathing Computer Sends Office Workers Scurrying

(Montrose) A thought-to-be peaceful desktop computer chased office workers from their desks Monday when it began breathing loudly. The abrasive inhales and exhales were noticed almost immediately by persons accustomed to a cooperative, supportive Power Macintosh at the central office of Catastrophe Realty on South Townsend Avenue.

According to a police report, corroborated by eye-witnesses prior to their retreat the monitor began its respiratory intrusions at about 10 am following a staff meeting regarding equipment updates and new technology. Within moments the zip drive, scanner and laser printer had closed ranks and joined in the melee driving frightened workers into the street.

“It was not normal breathing either,” said one broker at Catastrophe. “It was a diabolical, loathsome sound that most of us associate with hungover cooks at Denny’s. I’m a little hesitant to say this, but…I could swear I heard the thing say, Get out in between rancid breaths. We did.”

When police arrived they found desks turned over and pictures pulled from walls. The temperature in the office had dropped to 12 degrees F. despite Ninety degree readings outside. No computers appeared to be breathing but one allegedly threatened officers and was subsequently shot seventy-three times before crashing.     

“We don’t know what put such a scare in these people,” said one officer. It’s not like a little computer is gonna megabyte you or something…”

Principles at Catastrophe would not discuss the matter. Concerns about negative publicity at the beginning of the busy summer season were expressed and support personnel have been summoned. Rumors that Catastrophe had solicited the expertise of weekend exorcist, Philip Pharisee were still being denied at press time.

When contacted at his Temple For Me on Spring Creek Mesa, Pharisee, a failed sugar beet farmer, would not comment on any whispered exchange, however he did say the incident bore the signature of the Beast or possibly socialist hackers set on undermining the laws of private property and the eternal flow of meaningless paperwork that keeps our system in place.

– Small Mouth Bess

“Every time I go through customs and security at the airport I feel just a little safer.”

– Melvin O’Toole, May 31, 2018