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Tourists Warned of Blood-Thirsty Wildlife

Tourists Warned of Blood-Thirsty Wildlife

(Crested Butte) While the bright lights sparkle in the snow of another day in another paradise, tourists are warned that just outside the resort perimeter hungry creatures lurk. One only has to venture forth, more than an inch but less than a mile, from this fortified perimeter to realize that wild animals, not humans, control the night.

Yes, while a false sense of security permeates the daylight hours, at dusk predators jockey for position on the food chain. Hungry cats, groggy bear and an occasional moose wait in ambush for the hapless straggler, the meandering drunkard, the inattentive cross-country skier returning from a day’s jaunt.

“It may look calm, collected,” said one local police deputy, “but it’s a wilderness out there. Even though there are a lot of us we can’t be everywhere at once, especially in the back country. They don’t put it in the tourist brochures, but we cannot guarantee the safety of our visitors anywhere outside the town limits after dark.”

Area of major concern through May

At mid-winter authorities say they control Gothic Road, most of the Bench and about three miles up Kebler. In addition tourists are relatively safe from town to Riverbend and Peanut Lake but beyond those markers it’s risky. Wolves, Bengal tigers, woolly mammoths and even an elusive Sasquatch are on the prowl after dark, looking for dinner, or perhaps just a good time at a tourist’s expense.

“Again, we suggest that visitors limit their outdoor experience to the slopes and stay within the gridlock when the sun goes down,” said the deputy, who worked at a Dallas zoom before joining the local police farce.

Local developers, many of whom are working around the clock to expand the sanctuaries of Homo Sapiens, contend that man is making strides in his attempts to take back the wilderness but that it all takes time.

“We are constantly confronted with the element that believes that wild carnivores have a place in the action,” said Alfredo Bastante, a spokesman for the fledgling Crested Butte-Aspen Tunnel Coalition. “Once we begin drilling under Pearl Pass we’ll give wild animals a run for their money.”

The tunnel, not yet approved by officials from Gunnison and Pitkin Counties, would allow speedy travel from the two ski towns and give Crested Butte the much desired access to I-70 while opening up trade routes for Aspen as well as the Crystal River Valley.

– Pepper Salte

Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council

(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring the pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible pet owner population here.

 The escrow fund is then designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.

“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are secure in the event of his demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”

The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sautéed funds from the 2017 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu.

“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. Anymore it seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”

In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.

“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.

– Dag Katz


Year-round snow banks get council OK

(Crested Butte) Lawmakers here have approved a plan that would maintain Elk Avenue snow banks all year long. Arguing that the architectural undertaking was both natural and beneficial to tourism, the body’s right wing shoved the measure past the left, who wanted to spend the money on green tea, dynamite and photos of Bob Marley.

Working against the clock snow techs jump-started the program with both feet on Monday. First, they surgically sculptured the existing banks so as to seal all faults. Then they hauled in tons of snow and ice from local depositories up Washington Gulch. Now they must hope the weather stays cold.

“When things do start to melt we have to bring in the refrigeration equipment, which we hope will not appear intrusive on the main thoroughfare,” said Molly B. Denim, owner and operator of Born Again Towing, the general contractor on the project. “When they see the waterfalls in the summer and the light show in the fall they’ll stop complaining. The water’s all recycled and the snow is dry-cleaned once a week. What’s not to like?”

Voters mobbing the coffee lines downtown seemed unaffected Tuesday morning with most saying that the snow banks were probably good for the town. Others asked what the plan would cost to implement and how snow could withstand the summer heat. Still others condemned the entire incident as a frightening waste of funds in light of the 20 or so people in town who still cannot afford cell phones.

Meanwhile, the left wing of the council says it has gained full council support for a referendum on the proposed pedestrian mall for the area in question. Since cars and snow banks have always been at odds, the measure is expected to pass swiftly. 

“We want to be known as the ski town with year-round snow,” said Denim. “Everybody loves snow banks…so long as they don’t have to live with them.”

In related news the town’s 1000 hsp/mg henway snow cleaning reactor is up and running again after a series of freeze-ups rendering it useless during the most recent cold spell. Operators say they aren’t behind their work in that the snow is just starting to get dirty anyway.

“The months of March and April require constant cleaning if we hope to keep things spic and spam,” said Denim.

– Alfalfa Romero


Ed note: The much-praised traveling cell phone program was abruptly cancelled in March of 2019. Residents are still perplexed as to controversial state and county decisions. “It’s like living in Russia.,” said one snow monkey.

(Crested Butte) The traveling Townie Cell Phone, available to anyone who needs to make a call while in town, has covered a lot of miles up and down Elk Avenue since the program started in September. The service, relying entirely on the honor code and a small cell phone, has been called a success by residents and tourists alike.

Fortunately it’s all quite simple. The designated cell phone plan, like the townie bike concept of years gone by, requires a strict adherence to logistics, fair consideration of the needs of others and credit card. Potential users can pick up the cell phone at any one of four locations on Elk. It is perfectly legit to bring the phone anywhere in town to make calls just so long as it is returned to one of the Hot Spots, which change weekly for security purposes.

Phone calls and costs are then recorded on the caller’s Federal Identification Card and transferred overnight to an appropriate credit plan.

“It beats having to carry a cell phone around,” said Melvin Toole, who uses the service at least 20 times per day. “My cost is kept down and the convenience is unparalleled.”

Long distance calls will be surcharged 15% during slow times and 20% during peak season. A proposition is in the wings wherein a further 1% sales tax might someday pay these costs but for now it falls to the individual consumer.

“This is nothing less than a sociological Quantum Leap,” continued Toole. “Any community that does not get on the bandwagon is missing the boat.” 

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Ski Patrol Called Up

(Crested Butte) The Crested Butte Mountain Ski Patrol has been called up for active military duty in Ukraine. The entire contingent, along with medical and information staffs, will ship out on Thursday.

The blitzkrieg departure was orchestrated by local Republican supporters of the former Trump  Administration, who, as things work out, will be staying home, and a federal government that does not favor long, drawn-out good-byes. The news was received last night by shocked patrol members and their families who had no idea the group was at risk.

According to a ski area spokesman the call up is a result of small print in the annual ski patrol contract linking that team to the local Natural Guard. Medical training and physical conditioning inherent to the position has made the ski patrol and obvious choice for action.  

“Technically they are reservists and since we don’t have a draft we must turn to these kinds of paramilitary entities to fight our battles,” said Supreme Commander General Worthington Bulbous, of the Curecanti Sector, who will also be staying home. “With those brave men and women over seas we will continue to fight the war against the bad guys from here.”

The ski patrol will be replaced by members of the Homeland Security Agency, even though many of these newly hired feds cannot ski. At press time a plan has emerged which would employ temporary guard towers, barb wire and punitive measures at the base to keep the peace on the slopes. 

The next time I sign something I’ll read the small print,” said one ski patrol member. “I wouldn’t mind being shipped off to the Caribbean or to some other exotic spot,” she said, “but the Ukraine in the winter? I don’t think so.”

A citizen’s action group has filed suit to delay the departure until someone in Washington comes to his senses.

In a related piece Congress is considering legislation that would put non-registered voters in the 18-26 age at the top of a list of potential draft picks, if forced induction makes a comeback. The legislators feel that if someone in that age bracket does not care about the issues or bother to vote, they are less likely to put up much resistance to induction.

Other paramilitary groups such as Bozar and the Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte Town Councils are currently being considered for inclusion in the plan.

“Some of these kids prowling Elk Avenue would make fine soldiers,” said Bulbous, especially the snowboarders.”

– Rocky Flats

Zombie Outreach Reaches Goal of $100,000

(Bland Valley) The semi-annual fundraiser for Zombie Outreach has surpassed its goal and will continue to intervene in zombie-related incidents in Northwest Colorado.

Money raised each year help defray the cost of counseling and reassignment surgeries aimed at bringing the zombie back from wherever they went. It also helps pay rent and utilities for unemployed and disabled zombies.

Organizers of the philanthropic event want to thank everyone who participated. We can all sleep more soundly knowing that many zombies aren’t walking the streets anymore.

“We should be using Lotto profits to fight the Cover-19. If the virus continues to expand there will be plenty of empty parks and bike paths.”

– Marco Pollo