All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway Lake City Ouray parody"
FOX Purges Anchors
(Denver, CO – January 10, 2015)
Apparently even queueing has its limits. Today executives at FOX News announced the network would be cutting news staff following the comments of one female newscaster who blamed the metric system for the crash of Air Asia Flight QZ8501 from Indonesia to Singapore.
“We’re just trimming the fat,” said Minnie Mentira. “Viewers should not be alarmed.”
Potentially embarrassing circumstances appear to have come to a head following a newsperson’s observation that the air traffic controllers and pilots were using the metric system to measure fuel, plot routes and communicate with the ground when they should have been using the Imperial System (customary units) like the one used by modern countries like America.
Suggesting that President Obama used the metric system (and quite possibly devil worship) to get elected, FOX urged its loyal viewing audience to reject the procedural scheme on those grounds alone.
The implication was painfully clear. To paraphrase: Metrics are unreliable, at least over the Java Sea. This would not have happened if other countries and cultures would follow the American lead.
“This woman’s mastery science not to mention world geography is frightening,” said one former CBS official. “But at least she is aware that another system of measurements exists and she didn’t confuse Indonesia with India or Indiana. It’s unbelievable that someone could make a comment like this on live news.”
Heads will begin to roll appropriately following Ground Hog’s Day.
Pulling in the reins, say executives, will not be easy. Television personalities, particularly at risk are those who have traveled out of the United States (not counting Canada, Branson and Cancun), those who speak a foreign language, those who occasionally skip breakfast meats, those not wearing a Ronald Reagan tie clip or broach and those who don’t own an RV.
The purge is likely to effect current newsroom employees, many who can document live births. On the chopping block are newscasters who have studied beyond high school, read for enjoyment, have skipped the mandatory pretty hair, wandering eye and accentuated hand movement seminar, and those who are suspected of using the metric system in private.
“While many of these described attributes and behaviors may appeal to liberals we will not have any of it,” summarized Mentira. “Producing a cartoon news program is no walk in the park and we must be vigilant.”
– Gabby Haze
Bushes Expecting Third Child in June
Special from the Dallas Divide Rumor Mill – January 10, 2015
A proud and happy George W. Bush confirmed suspicions that his wife of many years, Laura, would be giving birth in early summer. The former Chief Executive, known for his tough talk and prompted speeches, would not expound on the details of the conception saying only it was “a big surprise”.
Daughters Jenna Bush Hager and Barbara Pierce Bush had no comment on the announcement.
World leaders from around the globe sent warm congratulations to the Bushes who would not say if the child would live with them in relative isolation in Dallas.
“It would be cruel to ask a child to live in seclusion and exile,” said one Texas Democrat who cannot stand the prospective parents.
According to a spokesperson for the Bush family if the baby is a boy it will be named “George” and if it’s a girl it will be named “George”.
– Rocky Flats
NHL Weighs in on Global Warming
(Denver, CO — Blue Line News — January 10, 2015)
The National Hockey League will institute protective measures aimed at safeguarding its sport in the face of climate change. In what is seen as an attempt to insulate itself from future warming trends, the league has levied fines and slapped restrictions on teams not adhering to strict new regulations.
It all starts with water, frozen and intricately merged with the parameters of a rink to form a smooth skating surface. This ice forms the catalyst on which everything else depends. Without it ice, ice hockey would be field hockey.
Besides bringing attention to climate change the NHL is encouraging all fans to dress appropriately and take mass transit to the games.
“What we don’t need is excess body heat in the stands,” said an NHL source. “Heavy coats and scarves can create dangerous ratios when combined with the increased temperatures already in play. People don’t believe it but just a degree can result in treacherous ice quality. We’ll be checking if you know what I mean. Even a simple hand warmer can be detrimental in this fragile relationship between hot air and ice.”
The hot air, created by sports analysts and broadcasters has been blamed for the loss of 16 inches of ice at league venues in 2014 alone.
“We are considering the banishment of all sportscasters until levels of generated methane gas it can be determined,” said the source. “Fans take the ice for granted. If we hope to save our beloved ice hockey we must protect and preserve the major components, and I’m talking about the pucks.”
– Donald Cherry
JANUARY KIOSK
Colona, Colorado – January 10, 2015
A selection of announcements deemed necessary for the daily health and well being of our reader composed by pompous red-nosed bureaucrats in our editorial kennels.
LEAP YEAR VACCINATION DEADLINE
February 5 is the final deadline to get your Leap Year Vaccination. According to the Colorado Bored of Health this shot may protect Colorado residents from moral bankruptcy, killer bees, telephone solicitors, sexual innuendo, overcooked fish platters, insurance fraud, the scurvy, omnipotence and malpractice suits. The locations of this intrinsic medical procedure are secret and can only be discovered by purchasing at least one magazine subscription (see page 28) between now and the end of January. Complimentary services often associated with this preventative inoculation include weekend laundry service and access to cheap long distance rates. For more information go hang out at the corner of Main and Townsend in Montrose. One of our representatives will be with you momentarily.
CAR ALARM BAN STARTS THURSDAY
A strict car alarm ban will be enforced as of Thursday according to a spokesman for the Crested Butte and Jack’s Cabin Police League. No exceptions will be made. If you have a car alarm and live in this jurisdiction it is suggested that you rewire your vehicle or trade it in for one without the annoying accessory. Persons apprehended after noise ordinance abuses will be jailed without coffee and/or beaten about the head and shoulders while undergoing extensive exposure to hip-hop tunes from the North Fork Valley.
UN Weapons Inspection Teams Landing in Washington
United Nations weapons inspection teams are currently landing in Washington DC to begin surveillance of suspected arsenals here. Despite the presence of Iraqis on the investigative team US officials have promised to cooperate with the probe. The United States is said to possess assault technology of mass destruction and may be capable of building offensive chemical weapons. Citizens are advised to avoid the area until next week. If you have weapons of this nature in your dominion please turn yourself over to the United Nations prior to Ground Hog Day.
Gang Appreciation Day Canceled
The first annual Gang Appreciation Day, scheduled for Saturday at Larimer Square in Denver has been canceled. Authorities had hoped to lure violent gang members into the architectural canyons of the Mile High City then conduct sweeping arrests on charges of illegal assembly. Unfortunately the gang members, often three to four steps ahead of the cops, got wind of the operation and fled to Cheyenne for the weekend. No make-up date has been slated.
A Penny Saved…
The United States Postal Service has repeated a warning to persons intent on sticking copper pennies behind 32-cent stamps in an attempt to qualify for new first-class rates. In a direct statement the postmasters say: Anyone observed engaging in such senseless behavior will be ignored until further notice. It is not clear why the post office has expressed concern over this matter or why anyone would go to all the trouble to foul up mail service. Terrorism is feared.
– Uncle Pahgre
Executioners Union Needs to “Get on the Ball” Says Warden
(Downtown Cahone, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
A West End penal spokesman says there is no excuse for foul-ups with performing final death row penalties. Efram Pennywhistle, Executive Detector at Pretty Spring Flowers Prison Complex, lambasted state correction authorities for “blowing executions” due to what he called incompetence and inattentiveness at the focus point.
Pennywhistle pointed to three botched actions where a condemned convict suffered a lengthy demise when a malfunction occurred at the operational level.
“The sentenced inmate should be spared these indignities at the point of departure from this earth,” said Pennywhistle. “Nobody needs shoddy workmanship at the point of no return,” he gasped.
Pennywhistle acknowledged that one of the recent failures was due to technology and drugs but insisted that the other two were caused by human ineptitude. He fully supports the trend toward private prisons where the concept of profit and loss would dictate performance and quality of life.
“We spend more money on prisons than schools in this country and should expect a better performance, especially in this scenario,” he said.
Another source suggested that the practice of tipping one’s executioner should be reintroduced, thus rewarding a fast, clean job with a small fiscal gesture.
Putin Legalizes Pot, Saves Ruble
(From Soviet High Life – January 10, 2015)
Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the decriminalization of marijuana in the former Soviet Union. The action, a surprise to even his closest advisors, is already having major economic impact on the tumbling ruble.
“He has saved the ruble,” said one Red Square vender.
Taxes collected from the sale and cultivation of hemp and cannabis are expected snatch Russia from a catastrophic recession linked to military adventurism in Ukraine and subsequent sanctions imposed by the West.
“We are creating a hedge against illegal sanctions,” said one Putin spokesman. “This is strictly economic and we do not endorse the smoking of anything but factory stacks and cooking fires within these shifting borders.
The drastic policy change comes as the ruble is under fire and poised to collapse on world markets. Already taxes collected have relieved pressure on government debt and loans due to China. Forecasters suggest that if the current trends continue the country could be “out of the woods” by early 2018.
“We have seen little bearing on vodka sales which make up some 35% of the Russian GNP,” said the Putin aide. “Right now all of the cannabis must be imported from Afghanistan, Turkey, Pakistan and Iran but soon we will have our own greenhouses.”
Plans to buy pot from Finland, Holland and Colorado, in the United States, are on hold until it is determined if international law would be breeched by these arrangements. NATO, recently deemed the biggest military threat to Russia, has not said whether it will intercept pot shipments or honor the wishes of the Russian government.
“Putin has once again shown himself capable of making tough, controversial decisions involving the people of Russia,” said the source. “Now we are free to take on the crisis of pharmaceutical abuse and the irresponsibility of many physicians in glibly prescribing medications in return for kickbacks from the drug companies.
In other action, sure to cause uproar on the Potomac, Putin supports the democratic action of Washington DC voters who approved legal marijuana in the nation’s capital back in November. Despite a majority the Congress nullified the legal vote, keeping the substance illegal and creating more and more criminals to file as fodder through the justice system.
The Ukraine as well as upstarts Oklahoma, Nebraska has filed a lawsuit and threatened further economic sanctions in the form of withholding grain from Russia.
“Mr. Putin has performed a coup here,” according to the Moscow papers, “one that will not be washed away by tiny minds, running dog capitalists and throwback moralists.”
It is unclear whether Black Sea Red or the its more potent cousin Moscow Zonked, will do well against the imports or if Putin will slap tariffs on foreign weed now legally imported onto the steppes and into the Urals from South Asia.
