Handicapped Spaces in sorghum and maize in July

(Montrose) The estimated 300 rarely used handicapped parking spaces within the city of Montrose will be put to high yield agricultural use come spring, according to whomever thinks they are in charge here.

The spaces, designated over the past two years as open range since they are seldom occupied, have already been requisitioned and, like vacant lots, condemned due to public safety issues or labeled as property adjacent to larger municipal regions that is deemed necessary for expansion.

The targeted spots, spread all over the city, have been charted and plotted so as to insure uniformity in fertilizing and watering. Although sorghum can be a little testy when grown through asphalt, maize (corn) will grow in just about any conditions just as long as it gets enough sun and is protected from pests.

Due to federal auto-response overkill there are at least 500 handicapped parking spaces in the county, some located where no one has ever been, at least in a car. Some may even be suspended from space. As in most federal responses, the reality of the matter takes a back seat to bureaucracy.

Take the drunk driving laws for example.

A little known clause in the table of motor vehicle guidelines stipulates that drivers parked in handicapped spaces are immune to prosecution for impaired driving. (Check it out in the small print if you don’t believe us)

It is hard to say how many federal administrators draw a paycheck by monitoring and adjusting the number of handicapped spaces. It’s similar to counting trees or rocks than then going home for the day. At a time when the feds keep ranting about budget cuts this overpopulation and underemployment of restricted parking spots is ridiculous, according to officials here.

“We talk about multiple use and bounteous, exuberant, broad-minded agricultural concepts,”said a county commissar who continues to live in the 18th century. “It is high time to embrace farming techniques that produce results,” he said, hastily adding that he never used the word liberal in his compacted appraisal of the move.

“We want to make regulations too, like real cities do,” said a city councilperson who lives in the 19th Century. “People are then forced to obey our silly new laws and it makes us feel powerful and important.

“These underemployed spaces make our government look incompetent. They are a left-handed insult to the handicapped and cannot be considered green space since they are covered in asphalt,” he said. “This is liberal government at its finest hour.”

According to a survey conducted the nearby Bland Valley, which is blessed with even more of these unused parking spaces than Montrose, some 88% of the population admits that it often resents the handicapped when faced with lines of unoccupied handicapped spaces and no standard or regular spots in which to leave their car.

“The planting and sale of these commodities should soften the opinion of critics,” say the local leaders. Society can never have enough sorghum.” – H. L. Menoken