High Fives Prompt Finger Injuries Says Rockies’ Trainer

(Denver — Blake Street Bombers — Sept 6, 2015)

The practice of slapping hands in recognition of stellar achievements on the baseball diamond poses dangers to players who, as professional athletes, should know better says Doc “Rocky” Bleacher, team trainer for the Colorado Rockies.
“In addition to injuring the palm of the hand due to the impact of an enthusiastic slap, the players risk injuries to fingers, shoulders, elbows, wrists and the all-important thumb,” says Bleacher, a standout in his own right in the rambling centerfield of orthopedics and hamstrings.
In recent years players have taken to high-fiving when a fellow player succeeds. The practice replaces the classic, though often-misconstrued slap on the butt. It occurs repeatedly during the average game and especially in the receiving line that forms after a victory. Although most players are careful and express joy in smaller increments, the odd hand collision or accidental bending of a finger looms heavily, considering training methods, burgeoning salaries and the lengthy season.
“These people are professionals and should know better than risking life and limb on a silly gesture,” quacked Bleacher. “Can’t they just shake hands or wave passionately from afar?”
Of the 34 Rockies on injured reserve this year several have suffered from hand ailments such as ligament damage, strains or errant pitches. While more prevalent problems associated with running and throwing dominate the training room it is often isometrics that keep players on the bench. The majority of Major League trainers agree that eyes, toes, and yes fingers, are as much a part of the keystone struggle as arms, legs and heads.
“What chaps my sit-downer is that these incidental injuries can be prevented with the application of a little logic. Hockey players wear enormous gloves on the ice. Tennis players exchange a simple handshake after a match. Football players wear helmets and a monster mouthpiece. Bowlers are careful no to drop the ball on their feet,” said Bleacher. “Even bass fishermen wear sunscreen.”
The Rockies front office played down the warnings saying that the team has had little to high-five about this year.
“We will monitor the behavior of our players and continue to trade off rising stars for washed up pitching,” said one of the Greeley meat people. “The fans will still buy tickets. After all one can’t watch the Broncos in the summer.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Desperately seeking a Venison-English dictionary by hunting season. Wear orange and flash your headlights at any Colorado DOW officer. Will trade for firewood permit.