Decline of National Attention Span Told

(Fond Memories News Service – Ridgway, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
The attention span of the average American dipped again this year prompting the office of the surgeon general to issue new warnings on the nation’s dwindling brain trust.
The new concentration phase is less than two minutes, down from 8.3 minutes in 1969 and 13.1 minutes in 1954.
Television, cell phones, computers, calculators, exotic hairstyles, tattoos, video games, noise pollution, stress and micro-waved burritos have been earmarked as the major culprits causing the disappointing statistics.
“People have become the destination rather than the source of vital data in 2014,” said M.L. Philopio, a disbarred attorney turned metaphysical sausage maker. “It’s a lot like shooting ducks in your own living room.”
Economists on both sides of the sea have complained of this phenomenon for decades, blaming a recessive attention chromosome for a serious drop in worker production and quality. Management suffers from the same malady often resulting in mass confusion in the workplace.
“Most workers are distracted by a change in lighting, a new employee, a minor change in routine, even a spilled cup of coffee in the break room,” said Philopio. “At the top of the heap we see middle managers unable to complete tasks and top executives lacking leadership initiatives.”
In quick response to the country’s needs, Senate Democrats think they have voted to delegate funds to correct the burgeoning problem but forgot to designate the recipient of the cash. The continual decline is denied, along with climate change and evolution and by House Republicans, who don’t remember what they ate for breakfast much less their last campaign promises. Both groups have long exhibited the behavior of someone left too long in July’s hot car.
As to the future of the dilemma scientists told a…Wow, look at the size of those fluffy clouds in the bluer than blue sky…I wonder if birds can really fly through them without getting turned around? When I get off work I’m heading to the driving range but I forgot to pick up my laundry at the dry cleaner…The Horseshoe that the road to recovery will be full of chuckholes…and tomorrow I’m having donuts with my coffee. Man, are those leaves changing quickly. Hey, I have a five-dollar bill in my pants pocket. Look at that beautiful woman. I wonder if the Broncos will win on Sunday… -Walter Papermoney

Filed Under: Hard News


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