Zombie infrastructure in deplorable condition once again

(Denver) Authorities posing as consultants to the state’s growing zombie population confirmed today that scanty infrastructure ceded to that robotic sect was clearly in ruins.

Despite sparkling new amenities, exhumed last November, little is still functioning. What’s most unsettling is that the zombies, or undead corporeal revenants as they are defined, don’t appear to give a tinker’s damn. Advocates, themselves a shrinking group, agree that the half dead have always been less than attentive and often destructive when it comes to maintenance and application of basic necessities.

“They are motivated by one thing and one thing only,” said Paula Parvenu, a sociologist who ran out of other crusades in 2010. “Whatever that may be, they cannot be expected to act as legitimate and responsible beings.”

Others insist the zombies have had it too good.*

“They get everything and pay for nothing,” according to a former zombie litigator, “while others work for their fare. People here have had quite enough of this pampering. I myself can barely stand the sight of them.”

“Give a zombie a fish and he’ll stare at it,” added one self-proclaimed friend of the zombies from Adams County. “Give a zombie a fishing pole and he will stare at it,” he stressed.

A spokesperson for the living dead had no comment when asked to elaborate on undercurrents within the mythical group. She simply wandered off, muttering banal chiches, and following a likeminded procession of hellish proportions.

This is not a seasonal problem.– The government gave them new roads and bridges, new zombie outfits, zombie furniture, even tickets to Rockies-Dodgers games but it’s as if they are asleep, stupid, distracted or just don’t care.”

“They have another agenda,” said Parvenu, “and often keep to the woods, swimming streams wandering in large threatening packs. So why do we keep laying our morals on the poor beggars? I say leave them along, but keep a pitchfork handy just in case.”

While more and more people are acquiescing and jumping onto the zombie bandwagon a handful of the creepy sleepwalkers say they have been misunderstood for centuries. They say the majority of their number are responsible and lead normal lives within an oppressive society. They contend that sabotage by humans rather than laxness on the part of zombies is to blame for the destruction and loss of face.

“I’m a zombie and I vote,” quacked one.

If you are a zombie, or think you might be,  talk to your contemporaries. Be aware that many Coloradoans are tired of bailing you out. The chips are down and pitchfork sales are up.

*In addition to basic roads and bridges as well as reliable transportation and free energy, all of their zombie accessories, zombie toiletries and counseling services have been provided for them. State Democrats favor continuing this welfare while Republicans favor shooting them or deporting them to other Blue States.

– Suzie Compost

Filed Under: Soft News


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