All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Kissing Booth to Benefit Local Pound
(Eunoch County Observer — Special Mañana Edition — February 10, 2015 ) Proceeds from the popular kissing booth at the Eunuch County Fair will be donated to the local canine detention center according to Muriel Etchabarron, a large woman who wanted to get her name in this story
In its fifth year, the booth has raised at least $100 for various local charities.
Standing next to a sign that proclaims: Pucker Up! But keep your paws in your pockets”, Etchabarron says the booth, and the kissing business in general has had its ups and downs over the 38 years that she’s been at it. She recalls smoochers galore some nights, but one night when they went eight hours straight without taking in a dime.
“That was terribly embarrassing especially with the destroyer docked so close by and all those frisky sailors about. We may not be Vogue covers,” she smiled, “but we know how to plant one.
“That was the first year we gave our profits to the dog people over in Wimpton, the actual county seat and service hub for the entire Discomfort Valley,” she said.
Recently released paperwork suggests that every kiss feeds three dogs or six puppies. Two kisses can feed a cat for a week. Caretakers require more sustenance but experts say they can be provender satisfied for about six wet kisses. The booth is open ten hours per day except Sundays. The rest of he equation is dependent on the cost of kibble and on the number of pets cooling their heels at the facility.
One local jokester suggested that the kissing booth cast switch with the residents of the shelter with the animals taking on the role of kisser.
“The way I see it,” said Zelmo Pawns of Molar Pastures, “what we have now is a clear case of the tail wagging the dog. A change of personnel at the point of contact might shake things up. Besides,” he rambled. Who can resist the allure of a warm puppy?” – Dag Katz
Flying Farcheezies to Enter Budget Battle
(Mañana — Real High Times — February 10, 2015) Hungarian high wire artists, Sal and Zelmar Farcheezie will represent “undisclosed principals from the pirate sector” in the ongoing, overheated budget-balancing act now playing the nation’s capital.
According to a story in Circus World Magazine the two longtime tightrope legends have little to no experience in high finance but have spent many hours swinging and balancing themselves on high wires while employed in the Big Top.
Sal cannot keep his checkbook straight while Zelmar must use a calculator to count his fingers and toes. However, decades of expertise up high appears to outweigh inefficiencies in the arena of numbers, graphs and economic jump-starts, promoted jerkwater politicians to convince their constituencies they have the lid on tightly.
“We’ll do our best,” said Zelmar, “but what this gov’ment needs is a magician or a juggler. The current pack of coyotes running things now has practiced cookie jar politics for too long a time. Most of them would faint if they were more than three feet off the ground.”
In any case, the Farcheezies will begin their new posts Monday morning at the Department of Nickels and Dimes. Working alongside them will be the Rubber Man and Bouncy the Clown, strong advocates for the termination of all government, as we know it.
A cloudy master plan dictates the elimination of hedge funds, insider trading, credit cards and lobbyists currently squatting in Washington. Phase two, a more pleasant endeavor calls for a new National Park to be established on the banks of the Potomac. – Melvin O’Toole
Drug Abusers Are Focus of Workshop
(Special to San Juan Horseshoe – Ridgway, CO – February 10, 2015)
Researchers here are recounting tales of drug abuse, which rival reminiscence of Reefer Madness as they explore the ever-darkening picture of drug, abuse in Western Colorado. Horrid accounts of amphetamines, cocaine and heroin locked in dungeon closets, deprived of food, water and sensations for weeks, even months, are beginning to emerge as sociologists and business executives mingle to study this newest perversion among the affluent here in the Land of the Free.
The sponsor of the half-day seminar is The Greater Niwot (Colorado) Institute of technology (GNIT). Director of Perverted Studies, Goldfarb Hooked, told the handful of attendees packed into the Sardine Can Resort that abuse is rampant not only here in the Rockies but virtually everywhere in the nation.
Borrowing liberally from the account of a wealthy Dallas minister, Rev. Orem Hooker Synge, author of the popular “Miles and Miles of Cocaine”, Hooked described how drugs are systematically abused in the Lone Star State.
“People here are far from being contented with abusing drugs through neglect and inattention,” said Hooked, paraphrasing Hooker. “Texans prefer to take a more active role in their ill treatment of controlled substances:
— At a swank party in the Houston suburbs guests hooted and howled when a medical student ground powdered cocaine into a Persian rug with his Bally shoes.
— A group of Del Rio teenagers tied a marijuana cigarette to the bed and thrashed it with their ostrich-hide belts for hours.
— Deep in the Black Forest of Colorado perverted souls have been observed slowly turning the hypodermic syringe on containers of drugs, slowly and tortuously injecting them with salt water.
— In Gunnison, black amphetamine capsules were forced to shiver, naked, outside in freezing conditions while inside revelers consumed hot mincemeat pie topped with whipped cream and drank steaming flagons (and maybe even cauldrons) of spiced cider.
– Fulton Ballew
GOP Blocks Cigars for Chevys Deal
(Little Havana-Miami El Mundo – Santiago de Cuba Jan 20, 2015)
Denying the existence of illegal Cuban cigars in their desks, bars and cloakrooms, Republicans in the House have threatened to filibuster if the controversial Cigars for Chevys bill reaches their chambers.
The bill calls for a diplomatic exchange of Havana Cigars (illegal in the United States since about 1960) for the more than 200,000 1957 Chevrolets now on the road in Cuba.
The cigars were allegedly smuggled into the U.S. on a regular basis by Congressmen and other wealthy Americans until restrictions were eased this year. The problem is that there are more Cuban Cigars in the U.S. than in Cuba.
Due to an economic embargo imposed by Washington, newer U. S. cars have not been seen on Cuban streets since the late Fifties. Self-educated engineers have rebuilt the vintage Chevys and other cars now cruising the island roads. All are poor people who crafted combinations and recycled parts with a similar regularity.
The fact that U.S. politicians and businessmen have been shipping Havanas to China since Nixon’s historic visit in ___ has tweaked the math.
“We handed them out to the Chinese. Even though they could legally purchase the cigars they always enjoyed a good smoke,” said one Representative who demanded anonymity. “It’s always prudent keep an eye on interest accrued in light of imbalances in the trade deficit,” he smiled. “The cigars were just notions and most of them stale already. It was like giving some kid a balloon with a hold in it.”
“We have evidence somewhere that links the White House to a sinister plot to further manipulate the immigration crisis,” he purred. “He’s gonna let all those other Cuban Muslims come in and pay them to be here!”
– Pinto Mary
Economist Predicts Steady Growth for Western Slope
(Western State Bursar’s Office – Gunnison – January 2o, 2015)
A noted local Bland Valley economist had good news for Western Colorado today saying that healthy growth is here to stay. He assured cynics, packed into the St. Roscoe’s Holiday Bazaar, that major logistical control groups such as children, puppies, lawns and hair will achieve unprecedented growth while fringe segments such as trees, fiscal committees, marijuana gardens, personal opinions, magpie flocks, income taxes, suburbs without cities and grocery prices will maintain a solid, stable rise through 2015.
The San Juan and Elk Mountains, formed some 175 million years ago, will see little monetary expansion or geological development. Voter behavior, the U. S. Congress, credit card responsibility, reading and language skills, television and general brotherly tolerance will remain stagnant according to revenue clairvoyant Diane F. Dollars, of the Rare Coin Institute in Fruita.
While the projections were well received, most in the audience had hoped for clearer, more concise indications of their fiscal futures. Macro or micro, the entire picture is not foolproof nor does it claim to represent all walks of life.
“People who get up every day to go to work and people who sleep all day can expect the same quality of life,” said the protected source. “Persons who have inherited wealth and those who make minimum wage will see little difference while life will offer much the same to bankers, journalists and other petty thieves.”
Dr. Enselmo Sturgeon, Director of Urine Analysis at the University of Downtown Delta and a respected voice on such matters as blanket investments and pillow talk, says the forecasts are invalid since they do not break down the behavior of producers and the lethargic within society as a hole.
“Sure growth is much like the food chain,” he gestured. “Some eat and some go hungry. Survival itself is a victory be it in the jungle or up in the mountains. What remains essential is the human desire to succeed.”
Joining Sturgeon in this confederacy of optimism are incumbent politicos who, unlike potential challengers and out-of-luck party candidates, point to positive trends real or imagined, in their appraisal.
“We realize that this adventure in economics is only a summation of statistics, peppered with silly measures such as consumer confidence and low interests rates,” said Dollars. “We don’t suggest buying another yacht or maxing your credit cards. It’s a sensitive issue to say the least and many of us are not all that comfortable talking about money with strangers.”
– Aaron Greenspam
