Most Yeti Are Peaceful Herbivores

Summer campers received some good news today as a long-awaited study has concluded the most Yeti (also spelled Yetti) are not a threat.

The Himalayan Bigfoot that roam the Rockies from Canada to Mexico can however be provoked, and present a formidable adversary in the forest.

Campers advised to leave the canned fruit and fresh vegetables at home and barbecue steaks and fish on their grills. There have been only a few recorded incidents of contact this summer mostly in the San Juans. All of them have occurred due to humans leaving Yeti yummies and Bigfoot bites unattended when they turn in for the night.

Our large midnight intruders are not thieves by nature and would prefer to ask before helping themselves to a skillet of caramel carrots, curing kale or a plate of unfinished salad. Usually campers are already dozing when the munchies hit and courageous Sasquatch enter a tent site.

Most Bigfoot are content to chew on sagebrush and down copious amounts of skunk cabbage while grazing on high meadow grasses. They love baseball and quiet, well-behaved children while disdaining dogs, small four-wheelers and fireworks.

The appearance of teeming marmot herds often herald the arrival of Yetti to an isolated camp or even a cabin. It is not clear whether the large rodents are driven by the larger Yetti or if the marmots are trying to get out of the way of what they perceive as potential trouble. Outdoorsmen know this. Tourists should take heed.

“Don’t hassle the Yetti or stare in the direction of the beast since this kind of behavior is regarded as aggressive by the mythical creatures,” said one park ranger. “Big Foot is not a name they appreciate. Would you? In addition these creatures do not trust humans. Do you?”

The mindless tourist economy has all but spelled the end to the Yetti, whom, like the bear and the lion are running out of elbow room.

“People worry and moan about reintroducing predators to Colorado and yet leave the gates open during tourist season,” warned one unreliable source. “Frankly I’d rather have a moose or wolf in my front yard than one of those monster RV units.”

– Uncle Pahgre