All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Gunnison County Plans Volcanic Eruptions
(Crested Butte) County planners announced today that they would present a series of volcanic flare-ups this spring to help bolster tourism, which often decreases after ski season. The disturbances are tentatively set from May 15 and 16 during evening hours only.
Still seeking the cooperation of the USFS and the BLM, the planners tagged the Castle Valley Ridge and Wirtz Mountain as prime objectives adding that calderas near Taylor Park and the stone face Pappy Peak whose rough-edged demeanor is accentuated by lava fields and cauldrons resembling red bears in small circular eyeglasses.
Geologists are convinced that they can motivate the desired reaction by a simple geophysical insemination involving ancient Polynesia rites and applied chanting.
“We could probably make good use a few virgins too if you know any,” smiled Cap Yankovitch who, with several other WSCU graduates, built most of the local volcanoes back in the early 70s. “We’re chumming for ash and molten liquid to go with it. We’re waving red before the bull.”
The preliminary explosion of gas and lava is expected at about 11:30 pm on the 15th near Castle Mountain. Then at about midnight Wirtz should go off. Then all hell will break loose all along our little Avenue of Volcanoes, as they call a similar geometric field in Ecuador.
“By dawn we should have a steaming mess, said Yankovitch, “and money in the bank.”
Already leading Gunnison County tour guides have steamed into action confirming a strong market for volcano watching. The main tours, which include transportation by jeep, protective clothing, lunch and a free cocktail hour, are all but sold out.
When petitioned as to how these scientists would shut off the volcanoes after the show no one responded.
“We haven’t mapped that out as yet,” said Yankovitch. “I guess we’ll plug that hole when we come to it.”
Rumors circulating several taverns on Elk Avenue suggest that the volcano boys have purchased several large, industrial corks, which will be used to cap the eruptions at dawn each day of the performances.
“The timing here is optimum,” said another explosives expert. “We don’t want to just tickle these volcanoes. We want to make them mad enough to go off. Besides, we have the Arts Festival, the Wildflower Festival, Fourth of July, pro bicycling, free concerts, Vinotok and the KBUT Fish Fries already. Finding a free weekend when the volcanoes are at their prime is no easy street.”
Several promoters of the event have suggested that the lava flow may ease some of the tailings problems that continue to haunt the valley.
That’s bull shit,” said Yankovitch. – Melvin Toolini
Jardin Plaza Song
The elders convene
on the plaza today
Mornings to the east
Afternoons to the west
remembering the yesterdays
on the plaza
remembering when youth confused them
remembering the joys denied.
These precious wonders of life
on the plaza.
Giant Ejected from Montrose Men’s Room
Local Events As We Imagine Them
(SoMo DFZ* – Feb 25, 2015)) A bullying giant was forcibly evicted from a public lavatory early this morning after police received countless complaints from bar patrons. According to eyewitnesses the inebriated giant became abusive when cut off and asked to leave the premises.
It took more than a dozen police officers and several militiamen about three hours to eject the intimidating titan who had cleverly wrapped his gargantuan body around a string of urinals and stalls. Finally after “great perseverance” rescuers managed to pry the monster free, squeeze him through the front door and strap him securely atop a waiting cruiser.
The overstuffed culprit (measured at 6 feet, 10 inches and weighing well over 300 pounds) is currently housed in a suite of cells at the local slammer charged with disturbing the peace, felonious mischief, stealing toilet paper and wasting water. Ironically he had become a tourist attraction when sober but police warned that “he has arms and should be considered dangerous”. They urged residents to lock their doors, order a pizza and watch police shows on television.
The San Juan Horseshoe chose not to report the story until later in the afternoon contending that the news might frighten tourists away from the town. After further investigation it became clear that the giant had once been employed as a proofreader/bouncer at the paper but was fired because he was too big to fit behind the copy desk. – Gabby Haze
*South Montrose Duty Free Zone
City Imports Exotic Pigeons
(Montrose — Feb 25, 2015) The present junta and the secretary for Economic Development don’t agree on much but they agree that Montrose needs more pigeons. Already these entities have purchased a skeleton crop of the birds from St Louis, Cincinnati and Philadelphia that will be used to breed a healthy flock of rare Jacobin Fancy Pigeons.
Further purchases must be approved by the city council and at press time all are aboard on this venture.
“We had planned to acquire only the most exotic pigeons such as the Blue Crowned Pigeon, the African Olive Pigeon and the Black Banded Dove but our budget fell short,” said Junior T. Reich, a spokesman for the city. “Imagine birds of this genre wandering our streets. What a tourist draw. They don’t even have anything like this in Grand Junction!”
The birds are expected to arrive by air on Friday and be released at the Pavilion. Residents are urged to come out and observe this wondrous sight.
“This should give us a little more clout with Denver,” said Reich. “Everyone knows only important, big cities have pigeons in them.”
Although the Pigeon Decision has been whisked past the voters, most elected officials are in favor of the move. Conflicts of interest have emerged since one commissioner sells umbrellas, a councilperson maintains a peanut vending cart and another creates outdoor sculptures.
“So what if these people benefit from the pigeon population?” asked Reich. “That’s how government and commerce can be mutually supportive. The presence of these birds will create jobs in the cleanup sector too.”
The city plans to use funds earmarked for new access roads to relieve the bottlenecks due to the burgeoning population. Proponents say that progress
is just around the corner and the pigeons will help herald in a solid, economic future for residents and visitors alike.
“Do pigeons attract malls or do malls attract pigeons?” laughed Reich. “Who knows? The little critters are clean enough and do not carry serious diseases that we know of. They have been lambasted for too long as windshield bombers and statue decorators.”
Many people here see the birds as a source of food even though the city has promised to “come down hard” on pigeon poachers. Classified as bird clade Colombidae, the species includes over 300 types of pigeon and dove and firms up the food chain for such predators are peregrine falcons, eagles and a variety of hawks that fly these skies.
Overall reaction here is stunted with one camp asking why the extinct dodo was not included and the other asking why the city does not do more to beef up the diminished pheasant flocks and elusive wild turkeys to freely roam the back streets and alleys of what was once a heavenly small town. – Jim Crow
Volar Farcheezies para entrar Presupuesto Batalla
(Manana) artistas de alto alambre húngaros, Sal y Zelmar Farcheezie representará “directores no reveladas del sector pirata” en el recalentado acto en curso, el presupuesto de equilibrio ahora juegan la capital del país.
Según un artículo en el Circo Revista Mundial las dos leyendas cuerda floja desde hace mucho tiempo tienen poca o ninguna experiencia en las altas finanzas, pero han pasado muchas horas balanceándose y balanceándose sobre cables de alta mientras están empleados en la Gran Carpa.
Sal no puede mantener su recta chequera mientras Zelmar debe usar una calculadora para contar los dedos de manos y pies. Sin embargo, décadas de experiencia en lo alto parece pesar más que las ineficiencias en el ámbito de los números, gráficos y saltar-aperturas económicas, promovido políticos jerkwater convencer a sus electores tienen la tapa con fuerza.
“Haremos nuestro mejor esfuerzo”, dijo Zelmar, “pero lo que este gov’ment necesita es un mago o un malabarista. El paquete actual de coyotes que ejecutan las cosas ahora ha practicado la política del tarro de galletas por un tiempo demasiado largo. La mayoría de ellos se desmayaría si fueran más de tres pies de la tierra “.
En cualquier caso, el Farcheezies comenzará sus nuevos puestos lunes por la mañana en el Departamento de cinco y diez centavos. Trabajando junto a ellos será el Hombre de Goma y animoso el Payaso, firmes defensores de la terminación de todo gobierno, tal como la conocemos.
Un plan maestro nublado dicta la eliminación de los fondos de cobertura, uso de información privilegiada, tarjetas de crédito y grupos de presión que actualmente ocupan en Washington. La segunda fase, una tarea más agradable exige un nuevo parque nacional que se establecerá en las orillas del Potomac. – Melvin O’Toole
