Giant Ejected from Montrose Men’s Room

Local Events As We Imagine Them
(SoMo DFZ* – Feb 25, 2015)) A bullying giant was forcibly evicted from a public lavatory early this morning after police received countless complaints from bar patrons. According to eyewitnesses the inebriated giant became abusive when cut off and asked to leave the premises.
It took more than a dozen police officers and several militiamen about three hours to eject the intimidating titan who had cleverly wrapped his gargantuan body around a string of urinals and stalls. Finally after “great perseverance” rescuers managed to pry the monster free, squeeze him through the front door and strap him securely atop a waiting cruiser.
The overstuffed culprit (measured at 6 feet, 10 inches and weighing well over 300 pounds) is currently housed in a suite of cells at the local slammer charged with disturbing the peace, felonious mischief, stealing toilet paper and wasting water. Ironically he had become a tourist attraction when sober but police warned that “he has arms and should be considered dangerous”. They urged residents to lock their doors, order a pizza and watch police shows on television.
The San Juan Horseshoe chose not to report the story until later in the afternoon contending that the news might frighten tourists away from the town. After further investigation it became clear that the giant had once been employed as a proofreader/bouncer at the paper but was fired because he was too big to fit behind the copy desk. – Gabby Haze

*South Montrose Duty Free Zone