All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Bushes Expecting Third Child in June
Special from the Dallas Divide Rumor Mill – January 10, 2015
A proud and happy George W. Bush confirmed suspicions that his wife of many years, Laura, would be giving birth in early summer. The former Chief Executive, known for his tough talk and prompted speeches, would not expound on the details of the conception saying only it was “a big surprise”.
Daughters Jenna Bush Hager and Barbara Pierce Bush had no comment on the announcement.
World leaders from around the globe sent warm congratulations to the Bushes who would not say if the child would live with them in relative isolation in Dallas.
“It would be cruel to ask a child to live in seclusion and exile,” said one Texas Democrat who cannot stand the prospective parents.
According to a spokesperson for the Bush family if the baby is a boy it will be named “George” and if it’s a girl it will be named “George”.
– Rocky Flats
Executioners Union Needs to “Get on the Ball” Says Warden
(Downtown Cahone, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
A West End penal spokesman says there is no excuse for foul-ups with performing final death row penalties. Efram Pennywhistle, Executive Detector at Pretty Spring Flowers Prison Complex, lambasted state correction authorities for “blowing executions” due to what he called incompetence and inattentiveness at the focus point.
Pennywhistle pointed to three botched actions where a condemned convict suffered a lengthy demise when a malfunction occurred at the operational level.
“The sentenced inmate should be spared these indignities at the point of departure from this earth,” said Pennywhistle. “Nobody needs shoddy workmanship at the point of no return,” he gasped.
Pennywhistle acknowledged that one of the recent failures was due to technology and drugs but insisted that the other two were caused by human ineptitude. He fully supports the trend toward private prisons where the concept of profit and loss would dictate performance and quality of life.
“We spend more money on prisons than schools in this country and should expect a better performance, especially in this scenario,” he said.
Another source suggested that the practice of tipping one’s executioner should be reintroduced, thus rewarding a fast, clean job with a small fiscal gesture.
Putin Legalizes Pot, Saves Ruble
(From Soviet High Life – January 10, 2015)
Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the decriminalization of marijuana in the former Soviet Union. The action, a surprise to even his closest advisors, is already having major economic impact on the tumbling ruble.
“He has saved the ruble,” said one Red Square vender.
Taxes collected from the sale and cultivation of hemp and cannabis are expected snatch Russia from a catastrophic recession linked to military adventurism in Ukraine and subsequent sanctions imposed by the West.
“We are creating a hedge against illegal sanctions,” said one Putin spokesman. “This is strictly economic and we do not endorse the smoking of anything but factory stacks and cooking fires within these shifting borders.
The drastic policy change comes as the ruble is under fire and poised to collapse on world markets. Already taxes collected have relieved pressure on government debt and loans due to China. Forecasters suggest that if the current trends continue the country could be “out of the woods” by early 2018.
“We have seen little bearing on vodka sales which make up some 35% of the Russian GNP,” said the Putin aide. “Right now all of the cannabis must be imported from Afghanistan, Turkey, Pakistan and Iran but soon we will have our own greenhouses.”
Plans to buy pot from Finland, Holland and Colorado, in the United States, are on hold until it is determined if international law would be breeched by these arrangements. NATO, recently deemed the biggest military threat to Russia, has not said whether it will intercept pot shipments or honor the wishes of the Russian government.
“Putin has once again shown himself capable of making tough, controversial decisions involving the people of Russia,” said the source. “Now we are free to take on the crisis of pharmaceutical abuse and the irresponsibility of many physicians in glibly prescribing medications in return for kickbacks from the drug companies.
In other action, sure to cause uproar on the Potomac, Putin supports the democratic action of Washington DC voters who approved legal marijuana in the nation’s capital back in November. Despite a majority the Congress nullified the legal vote, keeping the substance illegal and creating more and more criminals to file as fodder through the justice system.
The Ukraine as well as upstarts Oklahoma, Nebraska has filed a lawsuit and threatened further economic sanctions in the form of withholding grain from Russia.
“Mr. Putin has performed a coup here,” according to the Moscow papers, “one that will not be washed away by tiny minds, running dog capitalists and throwback moralists.”
It is unclear whether Black Sea Red or the its more potent cousin Moscow Zonked, will do well against the imports or if Putin will slap tariffs on foreign weed now legally imported onto the steppes and into the Urals from South Asia.
Cheney denied auto loan in 1969
(Montrose – December 27, 2014) Former Vice President and war criminal, Dick Cheney, was turned down for an automobile loan by a Montrose bank in 1969. According to unreliable sources, Cheney applied for the loan while a student at the University of Wisconsin and working a summer job on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
A copy of the original document stamped “unapproved” surfaced last month while the Who’s on First National Bank was relocating from the historic downtown to the strip mall ambience of South Townsend Avenue. The reasons listed for the rejection included Cheney’s spotty employment record and his association with criminals such as Richard Nixon and Spiro T. Agnew, who would later be indicted for a series of crimes against the American people.
Cheney was then forced to take a bus back to Madison. While on that stunning journey, he met Karl Rove and, despite being denied for an auto loan before, loans were never an issue again.
“Think of what may have gone down had we loaned Dick the money,” said a now retired loan officer who demanded animosity. “Why he might have settled down in Montrose and gone into local politics.”
– Uncle Pahgre
A Shot of Holiday Schnapps…
Santa Pledges to Modify Guilt Trips in 2015
(Montrose North Pole – Dec 27, 2014)
In closing up shop for yet another Yuletide, the jolly old elf reflected on Christmases gone by and those yet to come. Overwhelmed with emotion he bid a tearful goodbye to several retiring reindeer and elves and promised to make Christmas 2015 the best ever!
“One category that needs help is the persistent guilt related to the naughty or nice restrictions that have been firmly in place since the turn of the last century.
“These Victorian principles of trust and honor have no place in out modern world of baggy boxers, aging baby boomers, boneland security and video game massacres,” said Santa. “If we are going to keep pace with this whirlwind world we must adjust our parameters and see that our traditions continue to reflect a meaningful experience for all. Within this framework we must never revert or retreat from our stated goal – which is happy children all over the world!”
In closing Santa reiterated his views adding that he will simply leave the guilt trips up to the churches, television and government, three failing institutions that create fear within the population.
“These entities are performing quite crisply and do not need any help from our sector at this time,” he said. “Negative is contagious. Most people are guilty enough and afraid of a bundle of superficial bugaboos. Anyone laying guilt trips on my elves or reindeer will be cut off from the gifts parade in 2015.” – Tommy Middlefinger
Senate to House Homeless over Holidays
(Washington – December 2014) The United States Senate chambers, empty due to another Congressional Recess over the holidays, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with you and your country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope.”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us.”
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US
Fowl-Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
(Post Christmas Uproar! Holiday Schnapps! Ridgway, Colorado – December 27 2014)
Mangy elves, bored and idled by the passing of Christmas, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.
