Wal-Mart Ordered to Pay 45.7 Billion in Reparations

(Bentville, AR) Wal-Mart was today instructed to pay more than $45 billion in preliminary damages to American small towns. Saying that the nation’s largest retailer has “stolen the innocence of personal commerce and created a hostile environment for trade” the court denied what amounted to the third appeal on the issue.
The prescribed payments will begin this week with funds strictly earmarked for architectural renovation, commercial reeducation, green space and small business loans.
“This monster has eaten away at the very fiber that is America,” said Judge Timothy Brennan of the United States Court of Serious Jurisprudence, “and has engaged in unfair competition such as misrepresentation, price fixing and the application of brainwashing techniques not seen since the Korean War.”

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Brennan went on to say that the destruction of small town America must stop and these reparations are just the beginning. He said that the Wal-Mart experience encourages people to be robotic and stupid, which are not two traits consistent with even a fringe democracy.
“Mindless consumerism leads to expanded greed and to desperation which leads to false needs and ultimately more control,” said the judge in his final decision. “The people are sheep and must be protected by a benevolent shepherd not fleeced by heartless men and women who seek to dictate business practices in this culture.”
Bosses at Wal-Mart did not return our phone calls Friday but chatter on the local level suggests that Wal-Mart will be “talking to our friends in Washington” according to one store manager. “This Brennan character will be discredited, disbarred and destroyed before the week is out. And we don’t need government approval since we are the government.”
Officials here denied reports that Brennan would be assassinated, an approach popular with other totalitarian regimes.
A clerk of court, speaking on behalf of Brennan, who is said to be in hiding at the time of this report, said the fines may seem exorbitant but that the destruction is unparalleled in modern history.
“We will never be able to bring back a more gentle, soothing exchange between buyer and seller,” she said. Companies like Wal-Mart have destroyed those days along with a big chunk of Americana. It will never return and the people who support this kind of shabby mercantilism share the blame.”
Brennan, in his closing statement, reiterated these comments saying that shopping at Wal-Mart was unpatriotic.
“What is particularly disheartening is to see that many Americans watch their culture disappearing and they don’t even care. They are too busy consuming junk.”
Meanwhile another faceless Wall Street giant, Citibank, has shrugged off a $7 billion fine imposed by the Justice Department for the sale of high-risk, defective mortgage investments during the sub-prime housing boom.
“We have plenty of money to pay off these paltry damages,” said one unidentified spokesman for Citibank, “and a lot more in off-shore accounts that they’ll never get their hands on.”
Meanwhile Wal-Mart officials denied published reports that it will begin charging customers parking fees during the holiday consumer feeding frenzy in December. – Kashmir Horseshoe