All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Insulating Yourself from Mr. Winter

Ridgway (Colorado) Extension Release – December 27, 2014

The ancient Sumerians said it best: “It’s never to late to insulate!” Even though we are fully engaged surviving the winter of 2014 there are several more winter weeks ahead in 2015. In addition, the right insulation should help keep your home cooler in the summer, so, without further delay Let’s Get Insulated. Let’s insulate against mean old Mr. Winter.
The first thing to do is to determine which insulation is right for your structure and your lifestyle. There is batt insulation that comes in sections, blanker insulation that comes in rolls and lose-fill insulation that can be blown into ceilings, floors and walls.
Correctly choosing your insulation will help down the road with soundproofing efforts and can be an asset when placing electrical boxes and wires. Refractory materials are used to insulate against higher temperatures in such installations as incinerators and industrial furnaces. They may see temperatures up to 3200 degrees F, which is the temperature on a cloudy day in hell and is considered “damned hot” even to the macho, battle-hardened jacuzzi enthusiast. This is far too hot for the malt and hops routine or the three-minute egg.
Some people enjoy running around inside their homes while naked. While this is not a practice that we will be dissecting for moral purposes, it should be clear that these people would require more insulation than a family that wears coats to breakfast (at least around the windows and doors). Hot drinks and a few minutes at the firewood chopping block can be deterrents to the creeping chill getting the best of you. Take the cat for a walk! A brisk jog or fashion-conscious power walking gets the blood flowing.
Hibernation, while not the healthiest of endeavors, can be an effective way to say “So long Mr. Winter! Stay in the house under a blanket, wear layers of clothing, trap air between inner and outer surfaces or buying storm windows works for most of the recluses around here.
Why do you think all those Arabs war loose-fitting robes out in the desert where it summer temps reach 125 degrees? They aren’t stupid. How many air conditioners does one observe strapped to the hump of a camel or hanging out of the doorway of a Bedouin tent? It’s the same concept employed whether one seeks to keep out hot or cold.
The rule of thumb for the Rockies is that outdoor weather may not be compatible with indoor comfort. If it’s cold in October or November close the damn sliding glass door, or at least make some lame attempt to cover it with a blanket or something. In summer one can reopen the door and achieve relative comfort depending on bugs and noise.
Just try to remember the Five Easy Steps to heat micromanagement: 1.) Cover 2.) Seal 3.) Stockpile 4.) Plan 5.) Clean. Be careful to apply each of these concepts in order so as not to frighten the livestock or even blow up the house.
Here is a further breakdown.
First: Thou shalt cover thy holes and drafts. Before applying insulation see to it that gaping holes and other problem flow regions are undressed. This is where the insulation goes. Drafts can be treacherous because one does not readily see them. Holes are a complete loss. Sometimes it might be easier to live outside under the insulation but please stay with us on this.
Second: One must seal. Using official insulation tape to thoroughly seal all cracks and openings around doors and windows. Skirting is essential around the bottoms of older trailers since cold penetrates through the floor. Many household items can be crammed into leaky spots on a temporary, stop-gap basis until you can get around to a serious remodel come spring. Dog hair, grass clippings, newspaper, old clothing all do the trick and while these items do not keep a domicile toasty they might keep the residents from getting wind burn or frostbite.
Third: Stockpile for a rainy day. Coal and wood are the priority here if you heat with wood. Wimps that use natural gas, electric or propane as primary heat sources should skip to part four. Yes, burning those silly pellets works but avoid car parts, children’s toys and cooking utensils since they have a higher combustion rate and not many BTUs. Fumes given off by these items (if they do light) can’t be good for respiration. Plus they are difficult to split. Just to be on the safe side Never Throw Anything Away! Everything that has been acquired is potential fuel or insulation.
Fourth: A logical plan is the key. Don’t jump into insulation technology half-cocked. Draw up a blueprint. Ask the guys and gals don at the bar. Have another beer. There’s plenty of time to complete the task at hand.
Fifth: Cleanliness is everything! Vacuum and wash all firewood before bringing it into the house. Sweep the chimney for safety and function. Clear out all heat vents. Check propane flow. Wash your hands after asbestos exposure and watch your language in front of the neighbor dogs. Hose down last year’s visquine and reuse it next year.
If you have further questions call your local extension agent. He or she will be all too happy to send you a wad of gov’ment brochures that complicate the procedure and address you as if you were a moron. These will serve well as kindling on a cold morning or make a fine balanced addition to accenting your spring dump load. – Uncle Pahgre

Cure for hangover not found

(Bangor) The long sought after cure for the all too common hangover has once again eluded medical workers here at Down East Sanitarium. The mood is somber with many once hopeful staff members having given up.
“Our research is desperate and intense,” said one nurse, sipping on a wine cooler.
Most doctors are quick to agree that the once royal treatment, coded for centuries as “the hair of the dog”, will simply have to do until the antidote can be perfected. Methodology under consideration by the New England Journal of Medicine involves large quantities of baking soda being injected into the victim and energy drink enemas, which are still under extreme scrutiny at this time.
Other “recipes” of note include iced prune packs, oregano tea, skunk cabbage seeds and purges with swamp water. Despite the tasty temptation Tabasco sauce popsicles and diluted Liquid Plumber offer no relief and may cause other complications.
Many physicians claim that hearty exercise could relieve the symptoms of dehydration and lack of deep sleep. Others, however, prescribe an afternoon on the couch with low light and no loud noises.
The United Nations currently spends about $54 million on hangover research quarterly, with that number expected to double by 2018.
“One thing is for certain,” quipped a pudgy doctor as he sipped a cold beer, “whoever discovers the key will become a very rich person. I just hope it’s me. Now, if you don’t mind, I must get back to my testing.”
– Flora Pandora

“Many a man has fallen in love with a woman in light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by.” – Maurice Chevalier

BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE

Are you as tired as we are of lame fruitcake scenarios? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:

1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems
2. Spongy, edible lifts for shoes
3. Decorative moss fireplace grout
4. Trail tofu for herd animals
5. Backup house trailer skirting
6. Windshield scraper/breakfast bars
7. Candied stick deodorant
8. Sure-grip roofing supplement for safe snow removal
9. Tear-away political platforms
10. Astroturf
11. A backup center for the Denver Nuggets
12. Dog house insulation
13. Congressional dart boards
14. Leak-proof chinking material
15. Canvasses for bad western artists
16. Jigsaw puzzles
17. Patching for the ozone
18. Square frisbees
19. U.S. Constitution grips
20. Succulent decoupage
-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath (Leftover Fritcake in her own right)

Pleasure Boats banned from treatment plant

(Ouray) The City of Ouray announced that recreational craft larger than 40 feet in length would be restricted from cruising the Lake Ouray Water Treatment Plant north of town. Citing past recklessness and a slew of safety violations as the cause for the prohibition, the town has no plan to submerge new slips until spring.
Saying that the plant was never meant for pleasure boats or recreation, a municipal source suggested that the prevalence of seasonal aromas as well as the close proximity to Ridgway Reservoir factored in on the final decision. Our source then invited reporters up to the poop deck to get a better look at the logistics that remain a sensitive point with both sides in this long awaited confrontation.
Splinter groups loosely aligned with Pitchfork Party militias have threatened “to sabotage water projects in the county until someone stops to smell the roses.” – Manuel Flushe

Cheney denied auto loan in 1969

(Montrose – December 27, 2014) Former Vice President and war criminal, Dick Cheney, was turned down for an automobile loan by a Montrose bank in 1969. According to unreliable sources, Cheney applied for the loan while a student at the University of Wisconsin and working a summer job on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
A copy of the original document stamped “unapproved” surfaced last month while the Who’s on First National Bank was relocating from the historic downtown to the strip mall ambience of South Townsend Avenue. The reasons listed for the rejection included Cheney’s spotty employment record and his association with criminals such as Richard Nixon and Spiro T. Agnew, who would later be indicted for a series of crimes against the American people.
Cheney was then forced to take a bus back to Madison. While on that stunning journey, he met Karl Rove and, despite being denied for an auto loan before,  loans were never an issue again.
“Think of what may have gone down had we loaned Dick the money,” said a now retired loan officer who demanded animosity. “Why he might have settled down in Montrose and gone into local politics.”
– Uncle Pahgre

A Shot of Holiday Schnapps…

Santa Pledges to Modify Guilt Trips in 2015
(Montrose North Pole – Dec 27, 2014)
In closing up shop for yet another Yuletide, the jolly old elf reflected on Christmases gone by and those yet to come. Overwhelmed with emotion he bid a tearful goodbye to several retiring reindeer and elves and promised to make Christmas 2015 the best ever!
“One category that needs help is the persistent guilt related to the naughty or nice restrictions that have been firmly in place since the turn of the last century.
“These Victorian principles of trust and honor have no place in out modern world of baggy boxers, aging baby boomers, boneland security and video game massacres,” said Santa. “If we are going to keep pace with this whirlwind world we must adjust our parameters and see that our traditions continue to reflect a meaningful experience for all. Within this framework we must never revert or retreat from our stated goal – which is happy children all over the world!”
In closing Santa reiterated his views adding that he will simply leave the guilt trips up to the churches, television and government, three failing institutions that create fear within the population.
“These entities are performing quite crisply and do not need any help from our sector at this time,” he said. “Negative is contagious. Most people are guilty enough and afraid of a bundle of superficial bugaboos. Anyone laying guilt trips on my elves or reindeer will be cut off from the gifts parade in 2015.” – Tommy Middlefinger

Senate to House Homeless over Holidays

(Washington – December 2014) The United States Senate chambers, empty due to another Congressional Recess over the holidays, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with you and your country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope.”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us.”
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US

Fowl-Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
(Post Christmas Uproar! Holiday Schnapps! Ridgway, Colorado – December 27 2014)

Mangy elves, bored and idled by the passing of Christmas, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.