A Shot of Holiday Schnapps…

Santa Pledges to Modify Guilt Trips in 2015
(Montrose North Pole – Dec 27, 2014)
In closing up shop for yet another Yuletide, the jolly old elf reflected on Christmases gone by and those yet to come. Overwhelmed with emotion he bid a tearful goodbye to several retiring reindeer and elves and promised to make Christmas 2015 the best ever!
“One category that needs help is the persistent guilt related to the naughty or nice restrictions that have been firmly in place since the turn of the last century.
“These Victorian principles of trust and honor have no place in out modern world of baggy boxers, aging baby boomers, boneland security and video game massacres,” said Santa. “If we are going to keep pace with this whirlwind world we must adjust our parameters and see that our traditions continue to reflect a meaningful experience for all. Within this framework we must never revert or retreat from our stated goal – which is happy children all over the world!”
In closing Santa reiterated his views adding that he will simply leave the guilt trips up to the churches, television and government, three failing institutions that create fear within the population.
“These entities are performing quite crisply and do not need any help from our sector at this time,” he said. “Negative is contagious. Most people are guilty enough and afraid of a bundle of superficial bugaboos. Anyone laying guilt trips on my elves or reindeer will be cut off from the gifts parade in 2015.” – Tommy Middlefinger

Senate to House Homeless over Holidays

(Washington – December 2014) The United States Senate chambers, empty due to another Congressional Recess over the holidays, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with you and your country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope.”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us.”
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US

Fowl-Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
(Post Christmas Uproar! Holiday Schnapps! Ridgway, Colorado – December 27 2014)

Mangy elves, bored and idled by the passing of Christmas, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.