All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Elmer Fudd Fathered My Child!
By Muffy Hollandaise – San Juan Horseshoe – December 27, 2014
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One Saturday morning I was nursing a hangover that might have measured 160 on the Richter scale when all of a sudden he was in my living room. The Bugs Bunny Show had always seemed real to life for me but this was magnified 1000 times! He looked quite a bit taller than on TV and I was impressed with the way he carried himself. After a Bloody Mary or two we were friends.
But as it is with all men — he was out for one thing and one thing only! Yes, it’s true I was born at night but not last night. Star or not I stopped him short. At least I think I did – and disappointed with my lack of passionate response he disappeared back through my television screen.
Nine months later another Elmer Fudd look-alike appeared on the scene after a costly hospital bill. Paternal suits are one thing but no one believes me. Surely Elmer Sr. (I named the baby after his father) has the money to help me out.
Avoid these pitfalls by reading sanjuanhorseshoe.com and find out what you can do to protect yourself from undesirable acquaintances, annoying pen pals, jerkwater solicitations and unwanted advances from cartoon characters out on the make. When our readers are molested in any way we are quick to send a team of mad, burly advisors to the perpetrator’s front door for a chat.
It’s all included in the package. Control the senseless verbiage that enters your brain and you’ll be chanting, “If I could read, I’d read the San Juan Horseshoe” too. If Muffy had been paying attention she’d be out roller-skating in the desert instead of staying home breast-feeding a needy cartoon.
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Quality of Rum to Improve
(Latino News Briefs – Montrose, Colorado – December 27, 2014)
Baby steps to normalization may allow outcast, quality
Cuban rums to grace American palates, grab share of market
(Havana) A warm-up or meltdown in United States–Cuba relations may signify overdue diplomacy to some but more likely recall a kaleidoscope of petty Cold War events, center stage since Fidel Castro was rebuffed by Dwight Eisenhower during a post-revolution trip to Washington in April of 1959.
An end to a 50-year economic embargo and the reestablishing of embassies is just a start to what experts say threatens to redefine Cuba and crush what has become a self-sufficient, yet fragile culture. Big changes are in store, some good, some not.
One of the big ones is the presumed availability of exotic Cuban rum, acknowledged as the best in the world. It is a development that would most certainly cause the quality of rum to improve here in the U.S.
Following an Obama Administration announcement that the two countries will seek a normalization of relations a bevy of Presidential pretenders and self-serving politicians let out a howl. It was the same howl that we heard after the overhaul of the Immigration Policy, or following the implementation of Obamacare, or the bail out of General Motors, or the murders in Bengazi, or the choice of a White house dog, or the fashion and manners of the President’s daughters, or the First Lady’s attempts to promote healthy diets in schools, or elusive birth certificates, posh vacations or the employment of executive privilege…or Jimmy Carter’s return of the Panama Canal to Panama in 1977 for that matter.
Now happier howls are resounding over the likelihood of access to Cuban rums previously banned in the United States. It could easily be argued that this previously illegal sugar-cane concoction might soften the response from even the dead-in-the-wool Cold Warrior.
“Every quality anejo rum has its genesis in Cuba,” said a Miami purveyor of exotic cordials and elixirs, “and has since 1539 when a royal order of Spain formalized rum production. “All of the Nicaraguan rums first originated in Cuba while most rums from other Central American countries draw recipes from that island nation. Although it is often more difficult to corroborate, most fine rums found in Colombia and Ecuador trace their origins to Cuba too. Many of the wealthy Cuban exiles would prefer to lose the tag “Cuban rum” due to a class distinct distaste for the current government on the island but the first drops derive from Cuban heart and soil.”
Mass-produced rums may now go the way of the dinosaur like Communist vodka and a slew of sage-based frontier sweet wines that all but disappeared from American shelves of following the French Revolution.
Critics of the recent diplomacy say a warming of relations vindicates what they call an immoral government in Cuba. Isn’t this like the vindication of China, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey, and Wall Street for humanitarian offenses in the light of trade entitlements.
“The practice of ignoring the fox in the henhouse while stealing pies cooling in the window must terminate if we are ever going to get along on this increasingly crowded planet,” offered Jane Jane, of the Baseball for Rum Coalition, which endorses the importation of Cuban rum to the United States and the establishment of a National League baseball franchise in Havana. “Most politicians here are far more interested in personal fortunes rather than solutions,” she stressed.
Another angle suggests that the Cubans do not want us. Already the government there has taken steps to protect Cubans from destructive mass marketing and Yankee strip malls. Meanwhile America’s corporate bullies drool with the prospects of new markets open so near our borders.
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Che lines up a putt in Havana in 1962
“Ours is a fragile culture honed in the shadow of the embargo, the necessity of manufactured car parts and prevalent food shortages, drenched in tropical sunshine and the whiff of a smooth cigar,” said Wanton Perez, a spokesman for the Coconut Alliance in Santiago de Cuba. “We must take inspired steps to protect the Cuban people from the menace of mindless strip malls and death food consumerism.”
In a show of sincerity Cuba will donate a mature King Palm tree to the White House lawn while President Obama is sending his old Toyota sedan to Cuba.
“Most Cubans are not familiar with these newer, computerized, fuel-injected engines, but given a few weeks they will figure it all out,” said Perez. “Let’s face it, the lines on one of these boxy models just don’t stand up to a ’57 Chevy or a ’58 Buick.
Regarding the King Palm gift Perez expressed hope that the tree would survive cold Washington winters.
“I guess nobody thought of that,” she smiled. “But what’s most important is to take things one day at a time and with moderation. The Cuban people want goods and services for so long denied them. This silly squabble must end. America must move on into the 21st Century. Saludos! God help our integrity when cruse ships call. “ – Kashmir Horseshoe
Reporter Missing After Rum Commercial
(Port-of-Spain, Trinidad—December 12. 2014) Arbitrary tourist and heralded scribe, Mel Toole, is still listed as missing after a three-day filming of a local rum advertisement. The filming, which began Thursday, featured several Americans, including Toole, swilling large quantities of the local hooch under the tropical sun.
“After about thirty takes we noticed the talent was getting a bit weary,” said director Avery “Rock” Parvenu, who claims to have once worked with Oliver Stone. “Then Toole simply vanished.”
The missing subject, 119, still carries a legitimate Colorado driver’s license. It is feared that he may have rented a car and attempted to drive back home. Police are combing all Caribbean ports along the way.
“If he’s on his way home, he’s probably easy enough to detect since he always drives on the wrong side of the road,” said sister Belle Toole, who left her job at a Thornton slaughterhouse to rush to her brother’s relief.
“I don’t know how many times I’ve pleaded with him to stay in his trailer,” she whined.
Toole is a retired circus performer who, among other accomplishments, once ate thirty live chickens in less than an hour and later almost jumped the Black Canyon in a mini van.
Velcro Foods Hit Market
Special to the Ouray Pigeon — December 12, 2014
Move over GMOs. An enterprising food brokerage in Malfunction has successfully produced edible Velcro that will be employed to improve a multitude of products already available to consumers.
Mesa Foods, a division of Carnivore Guru America, has reportedly perfected a long existing biodegradable substance that, when sprayed on burritos, omelets and burgers will help them sty together during the often tedious process that runs full circle from hand to mouth. The yet unnamed and secret material, akin to stickem and other organic adhesives has been tested on mice, monkeys and right-wing Republicans since last March.
“The results were conclusive,” said Efram Pennywhistle a recognized foodophile. “The animals had no trouble keeping their entrees together.”
Appearing at a supermarket opening in Mack Pennywhistle told an attentive audience that the future holds many surprises in mass marketing and bothersome packaging, which will feature lower-grade Velcro as well as artificial flavors, color and aroma.
“The big boys could give a rat’s ass about the comfort and health of the average shopper,” laughed Pennywhistle. “All this showmanship is there to satisfy legalities and protect them from blowback when they kill someone. All the warnings in the world will not bring back common sense. All the safety regulations will not make people safer.”
Mesa intends to delve into the mysterious world of food sculpture embracing troublesome creations such as crepes and onion soup. After initial tests these and other often-troublesome menu leaders will become staples in the American diet thanks to the application of enlightened chemical therapy.
“These foods will do more than stick to your ribs,” said Pennywhistle. “They will help the body grow new ribs.” – Arthur Choke
“Trace” Defined by State Ski Concern
(Monarch Pass— December 12, 2014) The ski industry today has made further commitments to end abuses in daily snow reports by defining the term “trace”. In a bitter internal investigation, both the Brotherhood of Snow Makers and the Utah Defamation League have agreed to set standards for further use of this and other long employed lexicons.
“According to the present jargon, “trace” has been determined to be measurable accumulation over .016588 of an inch,” said Amanda Bumpe, a former French calendar model, turned telemarker after the Bosnian conflict. “That benchmark is easily determined by multiplying the current acceptable blood alcohol level for motorists by the number of skier days in a week. That figure,” she continued, “is then subject to at least eight percent tax and freeze dried according to rigid USDA requirements.”
A ski industry spokesman welcomed the determination, saying that it will help offset the cost of purchasing white gold from the Russian Black Market, which has a reputation for short cords. A major agreement is pending which would send a growing surplus of Colorado realtors to the former Soviet Union in return for snow futures.
“Anyone ignoring our criterion when estimating snowfall is nothing short of a damned liar,” said Bumpe.
