All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Tres Farcheezies Lesionado
(Montrose, Colorado – 20 de noviembre 2015)
Tres de los cuatro Farcheezies Flying resultaron levemente heridos cuando un extremo de la cuerda floja cayó en el Cañón Negro del Gunnison durante una actuación aquí. El Farcheezies, un acto de cuerda floja croata con linaje directo a los Habsburgo, se cruza el cañón en dicha cuerda floja cuando se produjo el incidente. Guano Farcheezie, su hermano Armando y su hermana Helena todo raspaduras y moretones sufrieron y fueron atendidos y dados en el Memorial Clinic de San Roscoe.
Al parecer, el accidente fue provocado por las acciones de un guardabosques del Servicio Forestal de exceso de celo que se dieron cuenta de que los altos gimnastas no habían pagado los honorarios de campamento en el parque desde mayo 2.
Después de varios intentos de localizar a los artistas de alto alambre ella simplemente comenzó el desmantelamiento de sus excavaciones.
Desafortunadamente el desmantelamiento incluyó la cuerda floja que estaba atado a una mesa de picnic concreto. El guardabosque sufrió lesiones menores como varios pollos, dormideros en la esperanza en el pecho de la Sra Farcheezie, la atacó mientras se excita el campamento. El guardabosques, cuyo nombre no fue dado, será premiado por su dedicación a su país con un trabajo de escritorio en Salt Lake City.
Los sobrevivientes afortunados dijo a periodistas que se sintieron aliviados de que la historia se rompió por primera vez en el San Juan de herradura, ya que, al igual que los sábados por la mañana los dibujos animados, es raro que alguien alguna vez se mató en una de las páginas de ese papel.
“Si esto hubiera ocurrido en uno de los otros papeles que podríamos haber sido asesinados y / o nuestros nombres mal escritos,” cantó Armando Farcheezie.
El grupo viajará al Valle de Bland el martes para llevar a cabo en un local de noticias transmitido allí.
-Ripple Van El Winkle
Three Farcheezies Injured
(Montrose, Colorado – November 20, 2015)
Three of the four Flying Farcheezies were slightly injured when one end of their tight rope fell into the Black Canyon of Gunnison during a performance here. The Farcheezies, a Croatian high wire act with direct lineage to the Hapsburgs, were crossing the canyon on the said tight rope when the incident occurred. Guano Farcheezie, his brother Armando and sister Helena all suffered scrapes and bruises and were treated and released at St. Roscoe’s Memorial Clinic.
The mishap was reportedly provoked by the actions of an over-zealous Forest Service ranger who noticed that the high gymnasts had not paid camping fees in the park since May 2, 2010. After several attempts to locate the high wire artists she simply began dismantling their digs. Unfortunately the dismantling included the tight rope that was tied to a concrete picnic table.
The attentive ranger sustained minor injury as several chickens, roosting in Ms. Farcheezie’s hope chest, attacked her as she excited the encampment. The ranger, whose name was not given, will be awarded for her dedication to her country with a desk job in Salt Lake City.
The fortunate survivors told reporters that they were relieved that the story first broke in the San Juan Horseshoe since, like Saturday morning cartoons, it is rare that anyone is ever killed on one of that paper’s pages.
“If this were to have happened in one of the other papers we could have all been killed and/or our names misspelled,” crowed Armando Farcheezie.
The group will travel to the Bland Valley on Tuesday to perform on a local news broadcast there.
-Ripple Van Winkle
Ralphie to start at fullback against Utah
(Boulder, CO Flatiron-No Starch News November 19, 2015)
The University of Colorado will feature a new face in the backfield when it dons its spikes to play a powerful University of Utah in Salt Lake Saturday.
The new guy, standing in behind the quarterback when the teams collide will be none other than Ralphie, the rough-and-tumble team mascot.
In actuality a bison, Ralphie has masqueraded as a buffalo for many seasons here. His familiar charge out onto the field before home games is a thrill to see, especially up close.
Utah 7 – 2 has knocked off Michigan, and trounced Oregon, while losing to Southern Cal and Arizona in Pac-12 competition in 2015. The Thanksgiving weekend bout promises to be a good one with Utah favored over an improved Colorado squad, that lost two close ones to UCLA and USC respectively.
Ralphie has never played organized football but he appears to have digested the complicated offensive playbook. First down – Hand the ball off to Ralphie who runs straight ahead. Second down – Run the option and give the ball to Ralphie who runs straight ahead. Third down – Run a reversal with Ralphie running the ball. Fourth down: Fake the field goal and give the ball to Ralphie who runs straight ahead. Pay dirt!
“Our biggest concern is that he doesn’t run over his own linemen,” said CU coach, Mike MacIntyre.
In addition to the running back role Ralphie will see expanded snaps at the nose guard position where he has learned the defensive signals in just a few days. Ralphie rush. Ralphie sack. Ralphie blitz.
“He won’t be worked into pass plays due to infamously bad hands, continued MacIntyre, “but he could be employed as a diversion along the line of scrimmage. He’s developed into an excellent blocking back.”
Team seamstresses needed three XXL jerseys sewed together and pants made from a protective stadium field cover at Folsom Field, to outfit the new player. Fans hope a dapper, well-dressed Ralphie will wear down opponents, then dazzle them with unprecedented speed and uncanny instinct as he gallops into the line and stampedes his way to the end zone. – Rocky Flats
Feds Bust Forest Animals on Pot Charges
(Gunnison National Forest Colorado Fur Review Nov 18, 2015)
In a major sting that has reportedly been in the works since July, hundreds of park rangers have detained and arrested an assortment of forest creatures that live here.
Early this morning campers and hunters were shocked to see cute quivering little bunnies and sassy squirrels in chains as they awaited transport to jail. Even marmots were apprehended according the eyewitnesses on the ground.
“This kind of trauma will stay with these innocents for many years to come,” said Dr. Evillio Tinkleholland who has been working with at-risk forest and plains mammals for 30 years. “It’s one thing to tag and harass these four-legged residents but this has crossed the line.”
Law enforcement sources had no comment on the proceedings this morning.
The bust, which many say is the result of federal frustration over legalized weed in Colorado. The state voted to legalize recreational use of marijuana and allow its monitored sale back in 2013 much to the chagrin of power brokers of Washington.
The feds still call the shots in “our” national forests, even though these lands are technically public recreation areas along with a litany of multiple use designations. Persons smoking cannabis within the confines of these vast land masses within the legal and established borders of Colorado are subject to arrest for breaking federal law.
Further invasions of “suspected national forest criminals” are slated for December with bighorns, moose and rocky mountain goats in the crosshairs of the investigative clampdown. Mountain lions and elk, along with the timber wolves we don’t have here will begin after Valentine’s Day. Bear, who are trying to sleep through all of this racket, will be accosted when they wake up in March or April.
So much for personal freedoms. So much for state’s rights. So much for pettiness. Where are the animal protection agencies on this one?
The arrested are expected to post bail and return to the forest where all their stuff is stored but they must wear radio ankle bracelets until a trial date, set for late 2019.
The action was lauded by states such as pot-scared Nebraska and Kansas who have little in the way of national forests, and the American Medical Association, which in collusion with the major pharmaceutical companies encourages the distribution of legal narcotics to human sheep.
– Melvin O’Toole
BIG, BAD WOLF TO ADDRESS CONGRESS
(Washington DC Piggly Wiggly Flyer November 17, 2015)
One of our culture’s most relentless fear mongers will speak before the House and Senate tomorrow on the subject of preparedness. The Wolf, recognized for his dubious pursuit of a meal, is trying to present a kinder face in light of a possible Presidential bid in 2016.
The speech is expected to center on terrorism and the role of elected leaders in thwarting future incidents. The Congress, according to critics, is a body most likely to sit on its thumbs in the event of an attack. This is because they have not been educated, says the Wolf.
Saying that the Congress was not technically pig-headed, but rather self-absorbed in doing for themselves and their cronies.
“If you spent the whole day lining your pockets by evening you’d be too tired to do much else, like conducting the business of the American people who elected you,” jabbed the Wolf.
“Preparedness is everything. Never mind comprehending the failed policies that created the conflict. This is war!”
The Wolf is expected to avoid the controversial subject of houses made from straw, sticks and bricks for fear of upsetting the recovering construction industry.
Meanwhile, outside the Capitol crowds of angry Little Pigs gather to protest the Wolf’s presence in a free society.
(Editor’s note: And now I’d like to use the word salubrious. In all my years behind the pen I don’t believe I have ever employed such a lubricant description and important-sounding term before. Salubrious means pleasant or healthy as in: “It became clear to Arnold that his theories of firewood architecture were less than salubrious when the entire stack crashed down onto his punkin haid. – From Green Wood and Bad Breath – The Undeniable Smokescreen).
“What is life? It is a flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time. It is the shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself at sunset.” – Crowfeet, Blackfoot Tribe in Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher.
Bear Turned Away at Prominent Spa
(Ouray, Colorado–Bruin Beat–November 16, 2015)
The Wiesbaden Spa is in hot water today after turning away a mother Black Bear and two cubs that had traveled an estimated ten miles on foot to soak in the luxurious hot springs and break into the trash dumpsters. Many animal rights people as well as local authorities are still steaming over the incident.
According to front desk personnel the bears arrived at around dusk to the delight of patrons thrilled to see these monsters up close. After bee lining it to the trash dumpsters (They’d visited before) they wandered to a side door and pushed it open.
“They were nice enough. But they didn’t have any money. They didn’t have towels. They didn’t even have swimming apparel,” said Dianne Workman, of the spa. “However they weren’t smokers, so I figured I’d let them use the outdoor pool for an hour. Then, as I shoed a cub away from the granola bars, the mother got testy, and I decided to throw them out.”
Not real happy. Mother bear (pictured above) and two cubs (across the street up in an apple tree at time of photo) were booted out of the Wiesbaden lobby Sunday after attempting to schmooze their way into the vapor cave and pool.
That proved to be a bigger feat than one might think. The cubs started wailing and the mother moved toward the vapor cave, intent on having her way. Then, as if on cue, the three retired to the dumpster which they began rocking back and forth with synchronized alacrity. Workman, not one to create further chaos, called the police who apprehended the animals without a net.
“We hate to be restrictive where guests are concerned,” said Linda Mentor, owner of the Wiesbaden, “but if we let one bear family in we’d have to let them all in.” – Melvin O’Toole
