New Dumps Planned for Breakaway Villages

(Nucla — Twin Cities Pilot – November 15, 2015)

An innovative yet controversial landfill, built to accommodate old, useless politicians has been tentatively approved by parliaments in both Nucla and Naturita, in the disaffected region of Western Montrose County.

Leaders in the Twin Cities feel that this kind of clean air industry will someday promote the stable growth needed if plans to create a new county are to survive. Projections call for a minimum 200 “apartments” or plots to be constructed by next spring with the facility in full operation by fall of 2016.

“This is purist recycling at its best,” said Chad Rammerbean, who has fathered the concept (as well as many of the children in the area). “We are bogged down with tired old politicos with their heads firmly planted in the 20th Century. If we can only attract a few big names to start with we feel the rest will follow,” he explained.

The resting place, originally called the (late) Bob Corey-LP Landfill, will be renamed The Millard Fillmore Center, so as to avoid hurt feelings. Misconceptions regarding health issues have created problems in an area that once welcomed nuclear waste services and reveled in the glow of uranium leftovers.

“We don’t feel comfortable with all those politicians hanging around,” said one resident. “Many of us are against the name of the place since it fails to recognize worthless electoral parasites from right here in the West End. If we’re going to build this thing let’s at least keep the name local,” he stressed.

The old politicians will be stores above ground so as to minimize affects on watersheds and water storage. While many local businesses have supported the effort with contributions and sweat equity the region’s most visible enterprise, Union Carbide (the hero of Bhopal) declined to contribute so much as a penny.

“We have already given these elected officials more than enough money during their respective tenures,” said a spokesperson for Union Carbide.

“Most of them were quite cooperative in keeping our environmental operations under wraps. “We see no point in paying them now that they have lost their clout.”

The dump will accept political waste from as far away as New York and Florida. As the capacity increases here politicians from foreign countries may be considered. The only stipulation is that the “client” is still breathing.

“We’re not a morgue,” said Rammerbean.

Meanwhile over in Naturita a satellite industry has quickly emerged, one that would house obsolete words and phrases, discarded elevator music, unread books, top hats, spats, black % white TVs and period sneakers. Already principles claim to have contracts with words such as huzzah, Dodman, dog-leech, thou, atole brose, afoot and cucking-stool.

This literary and popular culture landfill is called Widow Bench Estates, after a little–used term referring to the share of a husband’s estate inherited by his surviving wife. – Melvin O’Toole