NHL Weighs in on Global Warming

(Denver, CO — Blue Line News — January 10, 2015)
The National Hockey League will institute protective measures aimed at safeguarding its sport in the face of climate change. In what is seen as an attempt to insulate itself from future warming trends, the league has levied fines and slapped restrictions on teams not adhering to strict new regulations.
It all starts with water, frozen and intricately merged with the parameters of a rink to form a smooth skating surface. This ice forms the catalyst on which everything else depends. Without it ice, ice hockey would be field hockey.
Besides bringing attention to climate change the NHL is encouraging all fans to dress appropriately and take mass transit to the games.
“What we don’t need is excess body heat in the stands,” said an NHL source. “Heavy coats and scarves can create dangerous ratios when combined with the increased temperatures already in play. People don’t believe it but just a degree can result in treacherous ice quality. We’ll be checking if you know what I mean. Even a simple hand warmer can be detrimental in this fragile relationship between hot air and ice.”
The hot air, created by sports analysts and broadcasters has been blamed for the loss of 16 inches of ice at league venues in 2014 alone.
“We are considering the banishment of all sportscasters until levels of generated methane gas it can be determined,” said the source. “Fans take the ice for granted. If we hope to save our beloved ice hockey we must protect and preserve the major components, and I’m talking about the pucks.”
– Donald Cherry