Executioners Union Needs to “Get on the Ball” Says Warden

(Downtown Cahone, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
A West End penal spokesman says there is no excuse for foul-ups with performing final death row penalties. Efram Pennywhistle, Executive Detector at Pretty Spring Flowers Prison Complex, lambasted state correction authorities for “blowing executions” due to what he called incompetence and inattentiveness at the focus point.
Pennywhistle pointed to three botched actions where a condemned convict suffered a lengthy demise when a malfunction occurred at the operational level.
“The sentenced inmate should be spared these indignities at the point of departure from this earth,” said Pennywhistle. “Nobody needs shoddy workmanship at the point of no return,” he gasped.
Pennywhistle acknowledged that one of the recent failures was due to technology and drugs but insisted that the other two were caused by human ineptitude. He fully supports the trend toward private prisons where the concept of profit and loss would dictate performance and quality of life.
“We spend more money on prisons than schools in this country and should expect a better performance, especially in this scenario,” he said.
Another source suggested that the practice of tipping one’s executioner should be reintroduced, thus rewarding a fast, clean job with a small fiscal gesture.