FOX Purges Anchors

(Denver, CO – January 10, 2015)
Apparently even queueing has its limits. Today executives at FOX News announced the network would be cutting news staff following the comments of one female newscaster who blamed the metric system for the crash of Air Asia Flight QZ8501 from Indonesia to Singapore.
“We’re just trimming the fat,” said Minnie Mentira. “Viewers should not be alarmed.”
Potentially embarrassing circumstances appear to have come to a head following a newsperson’s observation that the air traffic controllers and pilots were using the metric system to measure fuel, plot routes and communicate with the ground when they should have been using the Imperial System (customary units) like the one used by modern countries like America.
Suggesting that President Obama used the metric system (and quite possibly devil worship) to get elected, FOX urged its loyal viewing audience to reject the procedural scheme on those grounds alone.
The implication was painfully clear. To paraphrase: Metrics are unreliable, at least over the Java Sea. This would not have happened if other countries and cultures would follow the American lead.
“This woman’s mastery science not to mention world geography is frightening,” said one former CBS official. “But at least she is aware that another system of measurements exists and she didn’t confuse Indonesia with India or Indiana. It’s unbelievable that someone could make a comment like this on live news.”
Heads will begin to roll appropriately following Ground Hog’s Day.
Pulling in the reins, say executives, will not be easy. Television personalities, particularly at risk are those who have traveled out of the United States (not counting Canada, Branson and Cancun), those who speak a foreign language, those who occasionally skip breakfast meats, those not wearing a Ronald Reagan tie clip or broach and those who don’t own an RV.
The purge is likely to effect current newsroom employees, many who can document live births. On the chopping block are newscasters who have studied beyond high school, read for enjoyment, have skipped the mandatory pretty hair, wandering eye and accentuated hand movement seminar, and those who are suspected of using the metric system in private.
“While many of these described attributes and behaviors may appeal to liberals we will not have any of it,” summarized Mentira. “Producing a cartoon news program is no walk in the park and we must be vigilant.”
– Gabby Haze