JANUARY KIOSK

Colona, Colorado – January 10, 2015
A selection of announcements deemed necessary for the daily health and well being of our reader composed by pompous red-nosed bureaucrats in our editorial kennels.

LEAP YEAR VACCINATION DEADLINE
February 5 is the final deadline to get your Leap Year Vaccination. According to the Colorado Bored of Health this shot may protect Colorado residents from moral bankruptcy, killer bees, telephone solicitors, sexual innuendo, overcooked fish platters, insurance fraud, the scurvy, omnipotence and malpractice suits. The locations of this intrinsic medical procedure are secret and can only be discovered by purchasing at least one magazine subscription (see page 28) between now and the end of January. Complimentary services often associated with this preventative inoculation include weekend laundry service and access to cheap long distance rates. For more information go hang out at the corner of Main and Townsend in Montrose. One of our representatives will be with you momentarily.

CAR ALARM BAN STARTS THURSDAY
A strict car alarm ban will be enforced as of Thursday according to a spokesman for the Crested Butte and Jack’s Cabin Police League. No exceptions will be made. If you have a car alarm and live in this jurisdiction it is suggested that you rewire your vehicle or trade it in for one without the annoying accessory. Persons apprehended after noise ordinance abuses will be jailed without coffee and/or beaten about the head and shoulders while undergoing extensive exposure to hip-hop tunes from the North Fork Valley.

UN Weapons Inspection Teams Landing in Washington
United Nations weapons inspection teams are currently landing in Washington DC to begin surveillance of suspected arsenals here. Despite the presence of Iraqis on the investigative team US officials have promised to cooperate with the probe. The United States is said to possess assault technology of mass destruction and may be capable of building offensive chemical weapons. Citizens are advised to avoid the area until next week. If you have weapons of this nature in your dominion please turn yourself over to the United Nations prior to Ground Hog Day.

Gang Appreciation Day Canceled
The first annual Gang Appreciation Day, scheduled for Saturday at Larimer Square in Denver has been canceled. Authorities had hoped to lure violent gang members into the architectural canyons of the Mile High City then conduct sweeping arrests on charges of illegal assembly. Unfortunately the gang members, often three to four steps ahead of the cops, got wind of the operation and fled to Cheyenne for the weekend. No make-up date has been slated.

A Penny Saved…
The United States Postal Service has repeated a warning to persons intent on sticking copper pennies behind 32-cent stamps in an attempt to qualify for new first-class rates. In a direct statement the postmasters say: Anyone observed engaging in such senseless behavior will be ignored until further notice. It is not clear why the post office has expressed concern over this matter or why anyone would go to all the trouble to foul up mail service. Terrorism is feared.
– Uncle Pahgre