All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Feds Approve Air Utility
(Denver — Brown Cloud Jogger Review — January 29 , 2016)
The Federal Utility Commission Kakistocracy* has tentatively agreed to allow unnamed interests to begin monitoring oxygen use in three mountain states in order to more clearly determine its fair market value. The preliminary assessment, classified as Top Secret by the government, is to be based on pounds of air pressure per cubic ratio of atmosphere to lung output.
The small, repeated measurements are to be called “breaths” or might actually be identified as gasps, pants, gulps or kilowatts by the same Federal Utility Commission Kakistocracy.
Executive appointees of the new agency, former Congressmen turned lobbyists insist that it is high time that oxygen consumers shared the cost of the air that they breathe. The say that breathing is a privilege, and not one guaranteed by the Constitution.
“That bothersome old faded antique of Deist thinking only talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” quipped Terry Tocksicke, former drill instructor at Three Mile Island and head of the Obama Administration’s task force on air quality and regulation.
After downing a lavish lunch of live Lucerne lobster in aerated, mulched hydrocarbon sauce, the commission was treated to a troupe of exotic monkey trapeze artists dressed in tiny hats and iron lungs, compliments of Confront Range Oxygen, a corporation bidding on the right to charge residents and visitors for air in Colorado.
“The less oxygen the more per unit measure,” said Tocksicke. “We’re looking at other mountain states too where the elevation is higher. That’s where the real profits will fall. Look, one of the monkeys has fallen under the weight of the heavy breathing apparatus! Look!”
The Public Utilities Commission, a sister agency, not to be confused with the existing kakistocracy, maintains the final say in the quantum mechanics of breathing and system flatulence encompassing radiation levels, momentum and electric charge. A milestone decision is expected when it returns from a fact-finding mission on Slumgullion Pass this weekend.
The novice flatlanders left Ouray last week in hopes of arriving at the gold fields of Creede before the snows are too deep for travel. Authorities here say they have lost contact with the small party.
“Frankly I’m concerned,” whined Tocksicke. “The planning was inadequate and the leader of the expedition was shiftless…a beady-eyed man named Thacker or Placker something…”
Gov’ment officials say they have no choice but to charge for air.
“Between the wars, the election campaigns, the Congressional benefits, interest on loans, the tax breaks for oil companies, the mindless expenditures on police, military aid to right-wing dictatorships, the mismanagement of resources, and the growing number of people on public assistance we’re broke,” said a Congressman from his charcoal black limousine.
The commissions and other desperate camp followers say they expect great public outcry at first but feel that the situation will calm down as soon as people turn their televisions on and drift into hot dog space.
“The small fee will not be noticeable at first and completely voluntary. Later, when the program is fully implemented the fee will become mandatory with generous consideration extended for preliminary cooperation in the form of retroactive clauses and debt brackets.
The United States currently imports some 45% of its oxygen from the Hindu Kush and the Peruvian Andes. A dramatic increase in domestic production of oxygen is on the drawing board as part of an expanded energy policy.
“We’ll get back to you when we know more,” said Tocksicke.
– Helen Waite
*For those too busy to use a dictionary a kakisocracy is government by the least qualified or most unprincipled citizens. (From Greek word kakisnos (worst + CRACY)
Doddering Terrorists Hold Hostages at Taco Bell
(Montrose, CO — Special from The Taco Times – January 28, 2016)
As the sun came up this morning, two convicted recreational terrorists, known only to authorities as Myrtle and Jerry, are still holding a throng of hostages at the local Taco Bell. The captives, including two exotic dancers from Mack and a busload of seminary students from Espanola, are reportedly chained to the salad bar in this pseudo-Mexican food outlet.
Myrtle and Jerry
One of the prisoners managed to escape through an unattended grease drain while Jerry was out changing the oil on his RV. He told a story of a brutal captivity but said that everyone was still in good spirits despite being subjection to countless mundane home movie (of Quartzite, Arizona) and Myrtle’s bad cooking.
The amateur filmmakers, dubbed monkey wrenchers by the local paper due to Myrtle’s long association with the Sierra Club, have released a list of demands and have threatened to bore each one of the hostages with monotonous vacation and RV stories until they get some action. Along with typical hostage solicitations the two have insisted on fifty million dollars in small bills and a flight to Havana.
Other demands are as follows: 1.) The United States must terminate all covert military operations in South America. 2.) The incarceration of the notorious Bloody Bush Gang for crimes against humanity. 3.) The reinstitution of Dean Martin (dead or alive) on NBC’s prime time. 4.) Bronze statures of Myrtle and Jerry must be forged and displayed at the entrance to the Ridgway State Park, no later than 2017.
“We have no problem with the money, the flight or the imprisonment,” said one deputy on the scene, “but we’re getting a lot of static from county commissioners on the statue business.”
In a statement released just moments ago Myrtle warned authorities that Jerry was prepared to “play hardball” and that her “tough-fisted accomplice would not be placated.”
She then asked that police send “some real food”, voicing her concern over a regular diet of chemicals offered by Taco Bell. The hostages, who were apparently eating at the outlet at the time of the seizure, were unmoved by her concerns.
“Myrtle has always had an eye on good health,” said Jerry, who police say is Jerry Mahone, a retired bean farmer from Dove Creek who won his 150-foot RV in a sudden death bingo match sponsored by the Slick Rock Pork Producers in 2009.
Leaders here admit that this information is of little use in breaking the standoff but that the data would be stored anyway because they enjoyed this kind of thing.
Plans to shut off power to the Taco Bell were shelved when it became clear that the two had been major stockholders in Manana Electric, a local power coop. In addition Myrtle had mined the parking lot and all access points in and out of the crime scene. To make matters worse Jerry reportedly had a backup generator stashed under his unit’s microwave stand and “was not afraid to use it.”
The deadlock goes on with the stubborn terrorists refusing to budge despite threats from Taco Bell International to send an elite TACO team into the fray. Corporate accountants say the “restaurant” is losing $50,000 per day due to the crisis. Meanwhile the city of Montrose is rerouting hungry motorists to the many real Mexican restaurants that grace the municipality.
– Melvin Toolski
Elephant Beaches Self Off Carolina Coast
(Myrtle Beach, SC — The Irrelevant Elephant — January 27, 2016)
A lone elephant, draped in full Republican regalia, has given himself up to the waves of the Alantic. The 12-foot, 15,000-pound mammal (Proboscidea) was found by joggers early this morning and pronounced dead by the Horry County coroner. It is not known if this is solitary act or if further surrenders will follow.
What makes the beaching even more bizarre is that the deceased animal is one of the few rare Caucasian Bull mastodons surviving on the planet. Most elephants are either African or Asian.
The unhappy victim
“We’ve seen whales beach themselves but never really quite understand why,” said Dr. Sylvia Aardvarke, a Pawley Island veterinarian. “Now we have elephants in the sand. Elephants like to hang near water but are not particularly known as nautical beasts.”
Meanwhile the Coast Guard has been searching for answers, and/or more distressed elephants. Power brokers in control fear that further political suicides might pry a dazed and frightened electorate out of their foxholes.
“They might began to think for themselves,” said a Wall Streetwalker with a smirk.
The Muslim Marxist press reports that no donkeys have been observed within ten miles of the tragedy.
“Our highly educated guess is that the animal became depressed and embarrassed over what has happened within his party. Despite what we may think, few elephants are accustomed to observing circus clowns,” said the doctor. “Most retain wild ways and are not prepared for the full scale big top that has emerged of late. While political scientists call it premature campaigning, many in and out of the GOP are appalled at the crude behavior of people claiming to represent them.”
Unlike the proud and honorable elephant no politician has come forward to mourned the loss.
Rockies Give Castro a Look
(Blake Street Tropical — January 26, 2016)
The further adventures of the Colorado Rockies pitching staff will now include former Cuban hurler and President Fidel Castro. The national League team plans to work out the aged pitcher during the Spring Training.
Thought washed up by even his most loyal fans on the island of Cuba, Castro has made resurgence of late, competing with some of the best players in Cuba while turning in impressive stats. In his younger years Castro made a historic choice between law school and baseball then settled for dictator.
Now retired, he wants to play ball again. With the new diplomacy blossoming between the US and Cuba he should not face immigration issues or find himself hounded by the ugly shadows of defection.
“If his legs hold out I think he’s got a few innings left,” said a Rockies scout. “We’re not expecting him to steal a lot of bases or cover centerfield, just to throw strikes.”
An imposing figure on the mound for decades on his island nation, Castro has years of effective intimidation under his belt. Whether he will wear a regulation team uniform or his more familiar fatigues will be up to league officials who are monitoring the event with great interest.
Castro is expected to workout for the Rockies in February at an unnamed facility at an undisclosed date. Large crowds are expected. Tryouts for the Colorado Rockies relief staff will then begin in March. Normal protocol will be observed: Woman and children first.
Several other teams, including the Dodgers and Royals have opened a dialogue with Castro and his agent Gabriel Marquez of Colombia. Marquez, a famous novelist, hopes to settle his client and land a scouting position in the Barranquilla before Carnival.
If Castro makes the cut he will skip the Minors due to his advanced age.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Crested Butte Abuse Center Shut
(Crested Butte, CO — From Tales of Paradise Lost — January 25, 2015)
The Gothic Substance Abuse Clinic at Totem Pole Park has been closed until further notice according to on-premise physicians here. The facility, opened in 1984, had hoped to attract wealthy drug and alcohol abusers to the town to beef up the off-season economy. The concept failed.
Instead a slew of needy addicts show up between December and March and again in July and August.
“We are far too busy with the unbalanced tourist and the whacky transient to deal with the demand during peak times,” said Melanie Mercury, a psychiatric nurse specializing in substance abuse who, according to co-workers, makes “a knockdown martini when the spirit moves her.”
Mercury holds down 14 other part-time jobs when the tourists are here and says that besides that most addicts are poor tippers.
The Board of Directors at GSACTPP plan a media blitz of major markets in an attempt to educate the populace as to the best times to visit the town. No one was available for further comment since they were all in meetings with themselves.
“We have had complete recoveries in just a few short months,” beamed Mercury.
Other patients don’t do so well despite behavior modification and time spent in stark, spartan cells that they call home. Opportunity for simulated life experience as well as on-the-job training exists on every corner.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
Global Flatulence Threat Undressed
Delta, CO — Colorado Bovine Extension Report — January 24, 2016
Flatulent cattle are among the earth’s largest contributor to the greenhouse gas quagmire, releasing millions of elastic tons of methane each year.
But Stefan D. Johnson, hyper-physics professor at Colorado Polygamy, thinks he may have found a way to stem the 200 to 400 mega-liters a day that flows from the digestive system of the average field bovine. By comparison a carnivorous person gives off about a liter per day, contributing more to the discomfort of those nearby than to global warming trends.
The world’s cattle, via the gastrointestinal frenzy created by digestive microbes, produced as much as 50 million metric tons of methane each year. Other major producers include sheep, goats, camels, llamas, deer, elk, caribou, oxen, yaks, water buffalo and marmots*.
The methane rises and is converted to carbon dioxide, which acts to prevent solar heat from reflecting back to space, trapping it in the earth’s atmosphere.
Johnson believes that the microbes’ methane production might be slowed by as much as 25% by the addition of antibiotic feed additives that act against certain types of negative bacteria, thereby lessening the impact by up to 37%, without distracting the animals from their business at hand.
In related developments, researchers at the prestigious University of Downtown Delta, confirm that they have taken delivery of a massive shipment of industrial corks for use in shadow agricultural experiments in Roubideau Canyon. Most agree that the installation of the apparatus could significantly reduce leaks, at least within the domestic population.
“The spongy plugs conform to the shape of the focus target, if you catch my drift,” said Johnson who is reportedly developing a machine to do perform more tedious, close-up stages of the operation.
The University of Downtown Delta has received a grant of an estimated $550,000, to insure that all cows understand these procedures and how a little inconvenience now could save a lot of trouble down the road. Rare explosions, noted in an expanded study in Switzerland, will be dealt with quickly and humanely. Counselors are on out in the pasture already ready to reassure any beasts that want to talk.
*Gassy marmots often produce enough methane gas to keep other rodents from squatting in their holes or predators from nosing around for long.
– Maribelle Dipthongue
