All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Best Breakfast in Medellin, Colombia – Feb 8, 2016
Breakfast at Restaurante Brisas de la 70 in Bario Estadio, Medellin, is a cacophony of gourmet scrambled egss, perfect beans and rice, chilled guava juice, the ever-present arepa with cheese and the best picante in Colombia.* Excellent service compliments of (left to right) Daniel Stiven Gomez Gomez, Marcela Gomez Bolivar and Lina Gomez Bolivar. Toole of the Andes Photo Service
Zoo Escapees Doing Nicely on Plateau
(Montrose, CO — Four-Legged Mambo — February 5, 2016)
Large mammals forcibly vacating previous habitation at a local zoo seem to be thriving in the wilderness of the Uncompahgre Plateau. Although sightings are rare three African elephants, two zebras, a giraffe, a lion and a troupe of Japanese Snow Monkeys have carved out an existence and are socializing quite well in shared accommodations.
“One would expect the lion to eat the zebras and the elephants to be easily recovered due to their enormous size,” offered Gwynne Parsnippe, an animal behaviorist from the local butane society. “That isn’t happening. They all seem to get along. Maybe it’s their shared trauma of zoo life. Maybe it’s the fresh air. Maybe it’s the bounty of food there for the taking.”
According to Mark Ibrahim of the National Zoological Park in Washington DC, “Nothing odd is going on here. Animals, like humans, seek camaraderie and acceptance. They have been found to be quite versatile, practical, instinctual and clever when necessary. The wilds are their home whether it’s black forest, high mountains, flowing valleys or even semi-desert.”
What boggles even the self-appointed local experts is the instant success of the plateau venture. In addition to cooperation the refugees have created a village atmosphere employing the ideals of democratic socialism.
“They have created a functional government up there which is more than we’ve done down here,” said Parsnippe. “There are no rich and no poor. Everyone eats and has common defense against predators. It’s a mammal paradise.”
Reminiscent of the runaway slave societies that peppered the remote jungles of Brasil from the 17th to the 19th centuries, the plateau redoubt, renamed Soledad in honor of prison activists from days gone by, has yet to be discovered by gangs of marauders hired by the county to “bring down these rebels.”
The snow monkeys, or Macaques, appear to be running the show probably because they have adapted so well to their new digs. A very similar eco-system exists in the northern mountains of Japan. They have even discovered remote hot springs pools unknown before to man or beast.
“These snow monkeys are no slouches when it comes to civics, social norms or making up a pot of healthy stew from grub worms, pine moss, small rodents and aspen bark,” said Parsnippe.
The chronic increase in zoo breaks over the past 3 years has bioscientists as well as social ethologists gravely concerned.
“Animals were once thought to be happy in their cages and reconstructed biospheres,” frowned Parsnippe. “Now we’re not so sure. Maybe it’s time to reinvent zoos.”
Animal rights groups say overcrowding, bad food, pending violence and parole inconsistencies have lead to this disgraceful status. They focused on plea-bargaining and unbalanced moralities that favor certain species over others.
Up in Soledad everyone is equal and nobody lives in cages. Already propagation and procreation are double what they were in captivity. Three little ones have joined the settlement, one elephant calf, one lion cub and a beautiful new infant snow monkey who weighed in at almost ten pounds this morning.
“The birth rates are astounding,” shouted Parsnippe, “but one must consider that there’s not much else to do on the Uncompahgre Plateau in December.
– Warren of Wexley
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Property Values Linked to Pizza Delivery Options
(Suburbs Without Cities Report – Montrose, CO – Feb 4, 2016
The Bored of Realtors in this swank, yet congested burgh have concluded that the most potent variable determining property appraisal is the existence of pizza delivery in the vicinity. The fluctuating prices of new homes strongly parallel pizza delivery radius (PDR) and stark realizations as to real value and equity follow suit.
“People in the loop who count on prompt, efficient and uninterrupted delivery of hot pizza right to their door stand to turn a much more substantial profit when it comes time to sell their property,” said Evelyn Clothe-Diaspora, of Stinking Desert Homes.
“We have always known the market was soft in these parts with either a crisp or thin crust, depending on how you slice it.”
Anonymous sources within the profession had little more to say since most were busy at local maternity wards. Readers may recall a 1996 ruling that allows idle realtors to earn a few dollars delivering babies. Lawyers, legal drug cartels and insurance companies (many owned by flush doctors) forced physicians out of the baby business the year before.
Properties with proximity to fast food dives will continue to fall do to aroma pollution, rising crime and the presence of calculated diabetics in the neighborhood.
– Merv Ditchwater
Plan to Widen Canyon Gets Senate Nod
(Montrose, CO — February 3, 2016)
A long-awaited decision on whether or not to widen the Black Canyon of the Gunnison was tabled today in Congress as all of the members fell asleep.
These right-after-a-big-lunch sessions never amount to a hill of beans, say unreliable sources that added that there was far more snoring than discussion on the issue.
The monumental construction, which was slated to begin in May, represents the federal government’s response to the transformation of the Black Canyon into a National Park by the federal government. It eyeballs the expansion of the dusty, rock-strewn old canyon into a 21st Century, four-lane chasm capable of handling run-off like that experienced millenniums ago. A series of foot bridges culminating at the apex will allow unheard of access to the surrounding wilderness as well as the state-of-the-art steel suspension natural land bridge, modeled after the one at Mexican Hat, Utah.
This harnessing of rock and water will connect Montrose to the rich peach fields of the North Fork Valley and beyond.
“The construction will give the over 4.8 billion federal employees something to do as they prepare for retirement,” said Earl DeHaviland, “and keep them the hell out of my office.”
Environmental groups, vehemently opposed to the project will be rounded up on the first day of summer and hurled from the heights into the raging Gunnison River far below. A peaceful, quiet dedication ceremony will follow.
When asked by a young reporter if the work was really necessary, DeHaviland appeared to take offense.
“Since when does necessity dictate action?” he blasted. “Since when does logic play the leading role? We’re just happy to have all this federal money flowing in our direction for a change. Now either stand aside or gab a shovel.”
– McKenzie Butte
Neanderthal Disclosure Explains Voter Behavior
(Stone Age Follies — February 2, 2016)
Anthropologists are suggesting that primitive interaction between humans and their hominid cousins sheds light on today’s illogical voting behavior. This longterm contact between early humans and Neanderthals, which included breeding but not much sharing of information, could explain the growing politico-economic phenomenon, where the electorate votes against its own best interests.
The brain drain that undoubtedly occurred during the Pleistocene Era, when a higher species of primate got frisky (conjugalis fortunatis) with a lower form of Homo Erectus, is evident everywhere today, not just in the voting booth. Poor people voting for corporate bought politicians because that politician says he is for guns or against abortion is absurd, especially when the candidate is only too happy to send jobs over seas and cut social programs.
“All a candidate has to do today is announce that he is a pious Christian and he’s got a fistful of votes from one coalition or another,” said one anthropologist who has received death threats for these disclosures. “God help the man who embraces atheism or even agnosticism, even though many of the lower rung are not familiar with the second term. Yes, the key to success is a mad charade where politicians, often the most immoral people on the planet, make a show of attending church and then call it a photo op.”
Whether primitive troglodytes cavorted with Nanjing Man, Solo Man, Wushan Man or even the shy Tautavel Man would have to be determined by
regular access and individual promiscuity quotients.
Paleontologists agree that limited knowledge of dating patterns and social norms of cave personnel severely impede their scope. They are quick to affirm that their role is not to judge the morality of these ancients, who lived Spartan went Spartan wasn’t cool.
– Marcella Pesterman
King Finbar in America
(Somewhere off the Coast of Nova Scotia, February, 1121)
(From The Ancient Cattle Raids of Finn McCool — Feb 1, 2016)
continued from last month
that when he actually landed on that North American beach in 993 AD the playful, tattooed Red men had already made off with six barrels of whiskey, more than a third of the unsettled cargo and certainly one of the main motivations for the voyage. Finbar quickly posted his most trusted lieutenant to guard the emergency rations and not one drop was dwindled further.
“Let them have a share,” Finbar had exclaimed in the sand. We can just make more tonight!”
The landing party was comprised of Dublin’s Brian the Fair, McDougall The Ugly from Ballyshannon, and Warren of Wexley, a self-described dandy from Galway. Joining these stalwarts were numerous squires, servants and several curious Druids that had promised not to interfere in official business.
Hacking its way through monster eucalyptus trees and dwarf maples the party stumbled around in circles before coming to rest at a clearing 200 feet above the beach.
“Tomorrow I shall claim this isle in the name of Brian Boru of Tara,” bellowed Finbar, frightening a group of nearby Indians while obsessively mapping the entire landscape on the back of his hand. Then, early the next morning the band set out to civilize the environs.
First the still must be erected and the fermentation process began. They would need corn, rye and barley. After an incursion or two into local villages it became clear that the Indians had storehouses of the stuff that they used to feed their pet marmots. They happily traded a sufficient supply for a boat ride and a few pictures of Queen Elizabeth.
Just then, a subtle brush with reality brought them back to their senses. Two of the Red man had retuned just in time for last call. With them they brought tobacco and all of the aforementioned ingredients necessary to distill Irish whiskey. They gave Finbar gourds filled with cider to hold the White folks over until their batch was pronounced potent and potable. Finbar thanked the chief, a fine-feathered brave of about 23.
The chief immediately agreed to provide a tour guide for Finbar and his crew if they would only share their joy juice. What commenced might have been the first chronicled multi-ethnic cocktail hour in the Western Hemisphere.
Once the silly natives found out Finbar was a bona fide king they wanted to carry him through the jungle in a diamond-studded litter. But since they didn’t have one they hauled him around in an out-of-commission canoe. Often times the thirsty entourage covered more than 400 yards per day before falling exhausted, corks a –popping, into their buckskin hammocks and canopy yurts.
Once the party got roaring, the Irish were keen to learn the skills of a woodsman. The only problem occurred when the bosun’s mate was dragged off and eaten by a large bear while he was collecting firewood. That was it, other than a case of scurvy that was treated by repeated ingestion of green whiskey by accompanying Jesuits on their way overland to what is now Paraguay.
At the end of the weekend everyone bode farewell to their elbow bending buckaroos and went their separate ways, all except a skeleton contingent of the bravest who would remain behind to establish a colony.
Three years later explorers traveling under the protection of Fitzgerald the Imp, landed at the site of the first still and found no sign of so much as a bartender. Conjecture was that the colony had run short of hickory, which made the best copper kettle process. One blind eyewitness said they moved south following the caribou herds all the way to the outskirts of Savannah. Little more is known of their aborted attempt to create a Celtic Empire in what is now The Maritimes.
– Melvin O”Toole
