All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
La clonación de Batman Big Mistake dice Boy Wonder
(Montaña Roja – 23 de enero, 2016)
Planea clonar superhéroe, Batman (sin apellido dado) sería un error de grandes proporciones, según su compañero de toda la vida para combatir el crimen. Vestida con medias provocativas y un antifaz negro de buen gusto, Robin, quien corrió con Batman durante décadas, dice su jefe jubilado es un megalómano.
Citando episodios de abuso de poder y la interferencia con las autoridades, dice Robin Batman alberga venganzas contra varios adversarios, específicamente un hombre llamado The Joker y un ex aliado, nombrado el Avispón Verde. Según informes, el Joker está viviendo en una comunidad de jubilados en Arizona mientras que el Avispón Verde es ocupado trabajando en sus memorias en un lugar secreto en Miller Mesa.
“Estos dos ciudadanos ahora modelo se han quejado de hostigamiento y amenazas directas de Batman. Clonación él sólo haría asuntos doble de malo”, explicó Robin tirando de su capa.
El sinvergüenza casa cueva, que no debe confundirse con el ayudante personal, un enfermero de un oficial del ejército británico, se ha comprometido a la operación de clonación, a cambio de una amnistía general. Batman se ha conectado a la acción vigilante violenta que se remonta a los años cincuenta. Caso tras caso de evidencia documentada une el superhéroe con más de la cabeza de obstrucción de la justicia.
“Él tomó el asunto en sus propias manos”, dijo Robin. “A menudo se dispensa el castigo sobre el terreno con poca consideración por los derechos de los criminales … Zap … Bam … Zow … Whack! Lo sé. Yo estaba allí.”
Robin, que es actualmente vicepresidente de una empresa de auto-ayuda Rango Confrontar que fabrica supositorios MSG, admitió que vive con el temor de represalias por parte de su ex pareja.
“El hombre está fuera de control, propensos a las alucinaciones y como hiper como un colibrí,” continuó el Chico Maravilla. “Uno pensaría que iba a hacer algo constructivo en sus años de oro … como jugar al golf o al bingo, pero él es demasiado arrogante.”
Ofrece a unirse tanto el Montrose y los departamentos de policía Gunnison fueron rechazadas por el guerrero con alas en los terrenos de los conflictos uniformes y transporte.
Un grupo cívico local, formada a reconsiderar los pros y los contras de la clonación propuesta se reunirá el martes para considerar la pregunta: ¿Realmente necesitamos dos Batmans? La sesión está abierta al público. Traiga un pez cubierto.
– Susie Compost
Innovative Insurance Firm Offers New Products
(Montrose, CO — Usury Bulletin — January 22, 2016)
Since its inception in the 19th Century, the benevolent insurance industry has been busy convincing us to purchase life insurance, health insurance, automobile insurance, fire insurance, business insurance, home insurance, renter’s insurance and several that we cannot remember but probably could buy.
But now a Montrose insurance group, the generically named Consolidated Consolidators, is offering a more expanded field in paranoid packages that are, in the words of a recent brochure “in tune with the 21st Century.”
Here is a partial list hat offers overlapping and secure coverage.
SNOW INSURANCE – If a party is in the recreation racket and depends on the weather for his livelihood he’d be a fool to pass on this one. A popular policy pays for 3 months vacation in Caribbean in the event of a winter drought.
SOCIAL INSURANCE – Having trouble with the dating wilderness? This policy pays out a small dividend if you’re stuck at home on Saturday night. Getting a little too social. Consolidated has a social “health” plan for everyone.
NUCLEAR INSURANCE – In the event of a direct hit this company claims it will rebuild your home and cover losses to cars, real estate and livestock. After the radiation subsides it will all come back like new. A rider policy embraces the theory of a winnable nuclear conflict. Space travel optional.
INSURANCE INSURANCE – Buy this super baby and gain protection from the lack of any insurance imaginable. Perfect for the disoriented individual who prefers to write one check instead of many. This is the insurance for persons who love to buy coverage and is overburdened with a plethora of intangible assets.
ETERNAL SALVATION INSURANCE – Pay now – pray later. This judgmental, holier-than-thou policy includes transfers and tips. Meals not included. Rates based on double occupancy. Why be good when you can buy eternal peace of mind? Void where prohibited by superstition.
FAST FOOD INSURANCE – If you choke on a McBone Consolidated will Mcbury you and see to it that the kids get a McMonthly trust if you have the funds. Supplemental coverage for Burger Thing, Taco Hell and the lesser grease gods.
VEGETABLE GARDEN INSURANCE – If one forgets to water or falls victim to grasshoppers, this policy extends a seasonal credit at farmer’s markets and small groceries to cover the loss of perishables. Summer only. Seed extra.
HANGOVER INSURANCE – Pays up to 80% of any cure, doctor visit or hair of the dog. Physical examination may be required prior to activation. No regular smokers will be accepted. Perfect for the amateur abuser. Sleep well.
– Gabby Haze
IRS Founders’ Body Unclaimed at Sea
(Popeye Haven –January 21, 2016)
The carcass of the recognized architect of the American Taxing System (The Internal Revenue Service) remains at the bottom of the Andaman Sea this morning according to Thai pirates operating in the region.
The victim, not yet named by authorities fearing media blowback and possible hacking by malcontents, had reportedly been afloat since back on March 17 when it was tossed into a leaky rowboat and sent adrift from the foggy port Marseilles aimed at the land-locked desert of Ogden, Utah.
The pirates did not approach the tiny craft due to local superstitions but after a down-wind assessment determined the pathetic cargo.
IRS agents say they have no jurisdiction in Asia and must wait until the craft enters the waters of the Great Salt Lake before recovering their associate and towing his boat to safe harbor.
“He’ll make it all right but only after some hectic moments in the unforgiving waters of Nevada,” said one unreliable source here.
Commercial vessels, often pressed into service as rescue ships, have given wide berth to traditional sierra shipping lanes due to the fetid aroma of the distressed craft that could be smelled as far away as Boise this morning.
Out reader may recall that on March 16 an unidentified human was found dead in a rat-infested, unheated flat with an unencumbered, peripheral view of the murky Mediterranean. Along with the stiff were cans of unopened fish head soup, some rancid seaweed and soy-based, fortified gluten wafers and a bottle of half-consumed Baron Phillip de Rothschild Mouton-Cadet 1926. The flat’s television set was also on.
The San Juan Horseshoe is proud to have presented this exclusive story (ignored by frightened corporate media) and quite pleased to have milked so many inches of news copy from such a silly distraction.
– Small Mouth Bess
Cloning Batman Big Mistake says Boy Wonder
(Red Mountain Pass — Aviation Today — January 20, 2016)
Plans to clone super hero, Batman (no last name given) would be a mistake of grand proportions according to his longtime crime-fighting partner. Dressed in provocative tights and a tasteful black mask, Robin, who ran with Batman for decades, says his retired boss is a megalomaniac.
Citing episodes of power abuse and interference with the authorities, Robin says Batman harbors vendettas against several adversaries, specifically a man called The Joker and a former ally, named the Green Hornet. The Joker is reportedly living in a retirement community in Arizona while the Green Hornet is busy working on his memoirs at a secret location on Miller Mesa.
“Both of these now model citizens have complained of harassment and outright threats from Batman. Cloning him would only make matters twice as bad,” explained Robin tugging at his cape.
The cave dwelling bounder, not to be confused with batman, an orderly of a British army officer, has agreed to the cloning operation in return for a general amnesty. Batman has been connected to violent vigilante action dating back to the Fifties. Case after case of documented evidence links the super hero with over-the-head obstruction of justice.
“He took matters into his own hands,” said Robin. “He often dispensed punishment on the spot with little consideration for the rights of the criminal element…Zap…Bam…Zow…Whack! I know. I was there.”
Robin, who is currently vice president of a Confront Range self-help company that manufactures MSG suppositories, admitted that he lives in fear of reprisals by his former partner.
“The man is out of control, prone to hallucinations and as hyper as a hummingbird,” continued the Boy Wonder. “You’d think he’d do something constructive in his golden years…like take up golf or bingo, but he’s too arrogant.”
Offers to join both the Montrose and Gunnison police departments were rejected by the Winged Warrior on the grounds of uniform and transportation conflicts.
A local civic group, formed to reconsider the pros and cons of the proposed cloning will meet Tuesday to consider the question: Do we really need two Batmans? The session is open to the public. Bring a covered fish.
– Susie Compost
Written Language May Have Existed As Early As 1955
(Santa Barbara, CA — January 19, 2016)
Brittle tablets discovered in the backseat of a Mercury Montclair convertible here have forced scientists to rethink current theories regarding the origin of a written language in the Western Hemisphere.
The “ancient” tablets , generously endowed with duck-tail hieroglyphics and emblazoned with a stark Big Chief Mark of the Ages were signed, perhaps by a tribal chieftain or medicine man say anthropologists.
“The halting signatures all match and after through examination the littles form the name Little Richard,”said Dr. Norman Normal of Cal Amari’s quasi-astute Department of Small Talk and Meaningless Rants. “We do not know any more at this time.
One of the more interesting pictographs etched onto the dashboard of the Mercury depicts the tumultuous relationship between a supposed king, named Ward and his queen named June. The two are up and down in love but both could, it seems, write a compound sentence and were familiar with diphthongs and primitive innuendo.
“The most startling drawing exposes the two with several male off-spring monkeying with a hood latch of some kind of transportation device. Ward is instructing. He is smiling. He has fixed the problem like always,” cried Normal. “What else could this mean?”
Scientists are at odds as to any further literal translation of this Little Richard’s grim forecast for the auto industry although many feel it is a warning that a corpulent and wasteful society would rise and fall “before the generic automobile would reign…this time for 400 years.”
“What else could it mean?” echoed Normal.
The remaining six tablets turn away from mechanics altogether, preoccupied with Tutti-Frutti, believed to be the Lesser Goddess of the Automatic Choke and Patron of Worthless Glove Compartment Manuals.
– Gabby Haze
EEUU Fuera de bombas
(Cheyenne Mountain Refried Noticias 28 de enero 2016)
En un comunicado de prensa sorprendente y un tanto embarazosa, la gov’ment Estados Unidos anunció hoy que está fuera de bombas. Aunque nadie en la compra ha asumido la responsabilidad por el agotamiento de dicho armamento, la supervisión inexcusable ha sido clasificado como nivel uno Violación de la seguridad (Código de color oficial no disponible) y se verá seriamente investigado por los burócratas de pie alrededor con sus manos en sus bolsillos.
Fuentes de NORAD dicen que la metedura de pata no estaba vinculado a la actividad terrorista.
“Las cabezas rodarán,” tartamudeó un funcionario que lleva un sombrero azul brillante designar una posición superior en la cadena de mando.
En la actualidad, la escasez se ha acumulado a errores del operador que es un buen presagio desfavorable a las otras jerarquías participan en la fabricación, el almacenamiento y la entrega de los inventarios arsenal de todo el mundo.
“Es evidente que alguien ha dejado de comunicarse o para llenar un formulario de pedido simple”, dijo el sombrero azul.
Otro jefe, éste con el sombrero verde, culpó a la gente en los sombreros rojos abajo en la producción y los sombreros amarillos en el envío. El sombrero azul no le hizo gracia por este fallecimiento dinero y se preguntó en voz alta que otra cosa no estaba prestando suficiente atención a las cuestiones de las armas de destrucción masiva.
“No estamos jugando a las canicas aquí”, bromeó el sombrero azul. “Alguien está en agua caliente y vamos a llegar al fondo de la falla grave en el sistema de seguridad”, dijo. “Tenemos que saber hasta qué punto estos errores de cálculo se extienden y que no está dando seguimiento a los procedimientos.”
Funcionarios NORAD admitieron que la gov’emt ha estado cayendo bombas “a un ritmo frenético” en los grupos radicales en Irak y Siria, y que las reservas corren el riesgo de agotamiento. Las estimaciones sugieren que una bomba ha caído por cada 3 luchadores ISIS sobre el terreno con resultados poco brillantes.
“Este un desglose de seguridad más grave que toda la piratería y la mensajería sin ser detectado entre los grupos terroristas desde el comienzo de la guerra civil de Siria”, dijo la fuente. “Hemos tenido algunas personas fuera de vacaciones, pero esto es ridículo.”
– Susie Compost
